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Transcript

Does Daycare Damage Your Child? · Motherhood Uncut

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: You, my friend, can love your kids with everything you have and still miss the woman you were before them.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: You catch yourself in the mirror on a random Tuesday, and for a second, you just don't quite recognize the woman looking back.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you love your kids.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: That was never the question, but somewhere between the feelings, the drop-offs, and the mental list that never ever ends, the woman you used to be got harder and harder to find.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: The one who had opinions about things that had nothing to do with nap schedules.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: The one who felt like herself.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Most women don't even realize this, but you miss her and then you feel guilty for missing her.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because what kind of a mother grieves her old life when she has these beautiful kids right in front of her.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: I have been here too, and by the end of this video, I think you'll see that you didn't actually lose yourself.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: And finding your way back doesn't mean leaving any of it behind.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: So stay with me here.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: I've spent 20 years working with moms, and this is one of the most common things I hear.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Usually said almost like a confession, right?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't recognize myself anymore.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: I said it too.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: When my first daughter was born, I looked completely fine on the outside.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And inside, I was a spinning, overwhelmed mess who couldn't remember the last time she felt like herself.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: For example, I loved being with people before I became a mom.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And that whole first year after having my daughter, I felt so consumed by self-judgment that I kind of crawled into a hole.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: I missed my old social self so much.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if you felt this, you are in very, very good company.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Let me show you what's actually happening here though, because it isn't what you think.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Let's start with the guilt, because this is one of the things keeping you stuck.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Missing who you were feels like a betrayal.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you were really grateful, if you were a really good mom, you wouldn't want anything for yourself.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: But that missing isn't in gratitude, it's grief.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And grief only shows up for things you loved.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: You're not mourning your children.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're mourning a version of you that you liked.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: A woman who had a completely different life.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: That was all hers.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Of course you miss her.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: That missing is love pointed at yourself.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: And you've been taught most of your life to ignore it.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Here's how she disappeared.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: When your baby arrived, you did what devoted, capable women do.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: You poured everything into them.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: And the part of you that made you you, the work you loved, the friends who knew, the old you, the Saturday morning thing you did just because it lit you up, the plans that were only yours, those all got moved to the bottom of the list.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Not gone.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Just set aside for later when things calm down, when they're a little older, when I have more time.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: But of course, motherhood doesn't hand you a moment where everything calms down.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: So later keeps not coming.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: A year goes by and then two, and the woman you kept meaning to get back to gets farther and farther and farther away.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: And you are never actually given a choice between being a good mother and being yourself.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: That choice is a lie, okay?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids don't need a mother who vanished into them.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: They need to watch a woman they love be fully alive.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: When your child sees you lit up by something that has nothing to do with them, you're showing them what a whole life looks like.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're teaching them that a person is allowed to matter to herself.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the good news.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can find your way back to her right inside this life, in the cracks of an ordinary week.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: The usual advice is to go book a spa day and take some me time, right?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: But that can miss the point entirely.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, a massage is lovely, but it's not the same as remembering who you are.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: This is much smaller and more realistic than that.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: It starts with letting yourself want something again, feeling the pull towards the thing you used to love.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of shutting it down with there's no time, actually getting curious about it.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's reconnecting with her the way you'd reconnect with a friend you lost touch with.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need a whole weekend away.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: You need 10 minutes, maybe just a few times a week, doing something that is yours.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: The book you keep restarting, the walk without the stroller, the work that has nothing to do with anyone's nap, the old friend you keep meaning to call.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Small and consistent beats big and someday, every single time.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: And you'll notice something the first time you try it.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: It feels really uncomfortable, almost wrong to take that time.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: This discomfort is just how it feels to give yourself something after years of putting yourself last.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel it and do it anyway.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the fastest way back is to ask yourself just a few honest questions.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: What did I used to love that I haven't touched in a year?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: What did I believe about myself before I was anyone's mother?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: When was the last time I felt like me?
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: And what was I actually doing?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need the answers today.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Just asking starts to wake her up because she was never actually gone.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: She's underneath the exhaustion and the mental load, waiting for a little room.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And every time you give her some, a real conversation for 10 minutes of something that's just for you, one honest want you didn't talk yourself out of, she comes back a little more.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: You get to be both.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: The mother who loves them like crazy, and the woman who's still in there.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: You are always allowed to be both.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: So if this is landing, the next thing worth understanding is why this pull between who you are and who you're becoming hits capable driven women so hard.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I made a video on the two brains that every mother is working with.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And it's the foundation under everything I just talked about.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: So go watch that one next.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: The next time you catch yourself in the mirror and she feels so far away, remember you didn't lose her.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: You just haven't given her much room lately.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Start with 10 minutes.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: She will meet you right there.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you in the next video.