Latest / The Wild Woman Within: Recover from Burnout & Achieve True Work-Life Balance Through Feminine Energy / 64| 3 Reasons You Keep Second-Guessing Yourself & How to Rebuild Self-Trust

Transcript

64| 3 Reasons You Keep Second-Guessing Yourself & How to Rebuild Self-Trust · The Wild Woman Within: Recover from Burnout & Achieve True Work-Life Balance Through Feminine Energy

• 0:03
  Speaker: Hello! Welcome to the FitZen Project.
• 0:08
  Speaker: I'm your host, Rachel Fitzpatrick, and I'm so excited to be here on a solo episode today.
• 0:17
  Speaker: So first I want to thank you for tuning in.
• 0:22
  Speaker: I really, really appreciate it.
• 0:24
  Speaker: And honestly, you tuning in and you just being here is perfectly fine and enough.
• 0:30
  Speaker: It's enough, okay?
• 0:32
  Speaker: But if you want to contribute to the show in any way, I would love if you would go down to the show notes and write a review and rate the show so that it can grow and so that it can make more of a meaningful impact and that satisfies my mission across the world.
• 0:53
  Speaker: So just one small request, take it or leave it.
• 0:57
  Speaker: Otherwise, stay tuned because today I've got a doozy.
• 1:02
  Speaker: Okay.
• 1:03
  Speaker: I've got a doozy of a lesson, a life lesson that I actually just kind of put together that I've also been learning.
• 1:10
  Speaker: And it's like it's a forever lesson and a forever thing to learn because it's something that I have to constantly remind myself of.
• 1:20
  Speaker: Okay.
• 1:21
  Speaker: So it's really weird because um, well, I'll just get right into it.
• 1:28
  Speaker: Somewhere along the way in my life, I started believing that everyone else was more qualified to live my life than I was.
• 1:41
  Speaker: I don't know if you've ever felt that before or ever had an experience as such, where your um decisions moving forward were other people's decisions.
• 1:54
  Speaker: You would put your opinion in and what may feel good or not.
• 2:00
  Speaker: But ultimately, if someone else had a decision, it was the decision you would choose or go with.
• 2:08
  Speaker: So that's kind of uh what I realized I had been doing, you guys.
• 2:14
  Speaker: Um, my friends, like they had opinions, uh, my family had opinions.
• 2:22
  Speaker: I've had leadership and coaches with opinions, the internet.
• 2:27
  Speaker: I mean, geez, chat GPT, I've now named Clara.
• 2:32
  Speaker: She's got opinions, but truthfully, slowly without realizing it in my life, somewhere along the way, like I said, I stopped trusting the only person who had to wake up and live with my decisions, and that person is me, right?
• 2:56
  Speaker: That's me.
• 2:58
  Speaker: And I didn't trust myself to make great decisions.
• 3:02
  Speaker: I um outsourced a lot of my decisions and my relationships and dating and gave away my power for that.
• 3:12
  Speaker: And ultimately it ended up in failure and heartbreak.
• 3:18
  Speaker: Um you know, moving even I've um outsourced my decisions and moving to different apartments, uh buying house, like places that I didn't want to own the decision because if I didn't own the decision, then I could blame someone else, perhaps.
• 3:44
  Speaker: Right?
• 3:45
  Speaker: And it's that's what it ultimately ended up being like.
• 3:49
  Speaker: And I could be a forever victim to my circumstance, which also was ultimately what it ended up being like, right?
• 3:58
  Speaker: But the real goal isn't you knowing what I did, the real goal is let's dive into why do we outsource our power.
• 4:09
  Speaker: And a lot of that, like I said, is that um wanting someone else to carry the responsibility.
• 4:18
  Speaker: Like that's a big one for me.
• 4:21
  Speaker: Or the fear of being wrong is also a big one, uh desire for certainty, you know, like being right.
• 4:34
  Speaker: And a lot of this is ego play, okay?
• 4:39
  Speaker: And a lot of it is um just what is comfortable, what is uncomfortable.
• 4:48
  Speaker: So let's take this back even further.
• 4:52
  Speaker: Uh, you know, you're a child, you don't get to make a lot of big decisions on where you get to go on vacation or what you get to do or how much money is spent and blah, blah, blah.
• 5:02
  Speaker: Your parents take care of that for you for the most part, right?
• 5:05
  Speaker: Like they choose where you live, they choose which schools you're gonna go to.
• 5:10
  Speaker: They are the steward of all decisions that are basically your foundation.
• 5:16
  Speaker: And you get used to that, and you get used to asking permission, I don't know, to even get up from the dinner table, right?
• 5:25
  Speaker: Or asking permission to go outside and play with a mirror reminder, yes, you can put your shoes on, though, right?
• 5:35
  Speaker: Like those things.
• 5:37
  Speaker: And then I guess somewhere along the way, we continue to adopt that persona of I've got to make sure I'm making the right decision, ask, talk it through, see what they say, see what's going on, and stuff like that.
• 5:58
  Speaker: And then you forget that eventually you get to evolve into an adult.
• 6:03
  Speaker: You get to evolve into a full-blown human.
• 6:06
  Speaker: And it doesn't matter if you're the youngest in your family, like I was, you ultimately have to take responsibility for your life.
• 6:19
  Speaker: And the shit that went on with it as a child, too, that wasn't so dreamy and rainbows and butterflies, right?
• 6:26
  Speaker: Like we all have traumas, we all walk a different path.
• 6:31
  Speaker: And those things, too, you carry the burden and that responsibility, but it's yours ultimately to heal from it, to deal with it.
• 6:41
  Speaker: But that's a different podcast, okay?
• 6:43
  Speaker: We're bringing it back into the outsourcing your life, your decisions.
• 6:51
  Speaker: Okay.
• 6:53
  Speaker: So the why people do this is three main points for for right now.
• 7:00
  Speaker: Like the fear of being wrong, uh, the desire for certainty, and wanting someone else to carry the responsibility, right?
• 7:09
  Speaker: And then here's the problem is that like you get what you pay for, in other words, free advice, okay?
• 7:21
  Speaker: But also like most people advise from their perceptions and their own limitations, and that's not their fault, and but it can be your problem really quickly when you accept it and you make that agreement that that that's the advice you're gonna live by because your limitations aren't the same as somebody else's.
• 7:48
  Speaker: If you live in a if you live in a world of possibility, and your best friend has never left their hometown, and you let your best friend make all of your decisions, where do you think your decisions are they gonna satisfy you and wanting this whole world of possibility, or are they gonna feel like there's a little bit of fear there, or there's a reason to stay and and a little bit of confinement there, you know?
• 8:25
  Speaker: Or let's look at another reason why um there's a problem with advice, it reflects other people's experiences, not necessarily your destiny.
• 8:41
  Speaker: So, like people that give advice, they're giving advice based off of their own experiences.
• 8:47
  Speaker: For example, if someone were to come to me and be like, hmm, what what would advice be?
• 8:56
  Speaker: Oh, staying in a shitty relationship.
• 8:59
  Speaker: Okay.
• 9:00
  Speaker: If someone comes to me and they're like, oh man, I can't am smothered.
• 9:06
  Speaker: He doesn't do anything, he uh I have to pay all the bills, I clean the whole house, he doesn't take care of anything, uh, or he's mean to me and blah, blah, blah.
• 9:16
  Speaker: Obviously, the advice is to leave, right?
• 9:19
  Speaker: And and that's what I hear.
• 9:21
  Speaker: And that's my experience from my own terrible relationships that I've had.
• 9:26
  Speaker: Cheated on, whatever.
• 9:27
  Speaker: It doesn't matter.
• 9:29
  Speaker: But on the other hand, I'm not gonna sit there and ask, well, does he do this?
• 9:34
  Speaker: Is this your um true perception?
• 9:38
  Speaker: Or is this a feeling at the moment?
• 9:41
  Speaker: I'm not gonna say, well, but he took the kids to school on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
• 9:48
  Speaker: What's wrong with you picking up your two days a week?
• 9:51
  Speaker: Or I'm not gonna say, didn't he just bring in $100,000 last year?
• 9:56
  Speaker: That's not my experience.
• 9:58
  Speaker: Okay.
• 9:59
  Speaker: Just point blank.
• 10:01
  Speaker: So my advice isn't gonna be based off of that person's devil's advocate.
• 10:09
  Speaker: My advice is gonna be based off of my own experience where I've had and fallen into terrible relationships, and therefore, if someone is coming to me complaining about their relationship, then in my opinion, I'm like, this is how you get out.
• 10:25
  Speaker: And I know the steps 100% of how you get out.
• 10:28
  Speaker: Like, even if you're pregnant and you're six months pregnant, you're doing it alone, girl.
• 10:32
  Speaker: I got you, I can tell you how to get out.
• 10:34
  Speaker: Because I've done that.
• 10:35
  Speaker: That's my experience.
• 10:37
  Speaker: But that might not be what's best for the person coming to me.
• 10:43
  Speaker: And that might not be their destiny, and that's their tower that they need to have, their moment.
• 10:52
  Speaker: And that's where this whole thing comes in of like advice in general reflects the person's experiences, not the the receiver's destiny.
• 11:07
  Speaker: So that's why like that outsourcing piece can be very triggering or terrible, right?
• 11:14
  Speaker: And their ceiling, like I said, like their ceiling becomes your ceiling.
• 11:21
  Speaker: And that's not always fair or necessary, or how someone should lead their life.
• 11:33
  Speaker: Let me tell you an example, what happened with me, and this is where this whole thing is coming from, okay?
• 11:38
  Speaker: So, as you know, I just got married and I'm a wife now.
• 11:43
  Speaker: Holy shit.
• 11:44
  Speaker: Can't even believe I say that out loud.
• 11:46
  Speaker: Ha! Since I was just telling you about my destructive relationships.
• 11:52
  Speaker: But anyway, I'm a wife now, and I have a husband, and it's lovely, it's great, it works very well.
• 12:04
  Speaker: But like I just had also said, I've had some really terrible relationships.
• 12:09
  Speaker: One right after another, after another, after another, okay.
• 12:14
  Speaker: And I'm not talking about just a like one or two.
• 12:20
  Speaker: I'm like, I've not really had a great experience like ever in a relationship.
• 12:26
  Speaker: And that is a lot to do with my first relationship that I ever had, and then moving from that and how that affected all of my relationship decisions after that.
• 12:43
  Speaker: And it also had a lot to do with letting my friends and my family decide who is good enough for me versus me decide who was good enough for me.
• 12:58
  Speaker: And I was very much in the business of letting other people run my business.
• 13:03
  Speaker: And I would talk and gossip about my own relationship with my friends.
• 13:07
  Speaker: And I would tell them, like, why it's bad.
• 13:10
  Speaker: I can't stand them, blah, blah, blah.
• 13:12
  Speaker: And some of them would say, be done.
• 13:15
  Speaker: I'm so done hearing you complain about it.
• 13:18
  Speaker: And some of them would give me the devil's advocate.
• 13:21
  Speaker: And then I would have to go back after being done in my mind and in my body and wanting to be done.
• 13:27
  Speaker: And then I'd go back and I'd accept more shit because I'm like, I'm not right.
• 13:32
  Speaker: You know, I'm I'm making the wrong decision, I'm looking at it wrong.
• 13:37
  Speaker: I should have done this, and I got empathized, so now I need to go back and accept more bullshit.
• 13:45
  Speaker: And I did.
• 13:46
  Speaker: And then that led me into more terrible relations, you know, and then all of a sudden, it's a year or so in the relationship, and I'm at a loss, and a year is gone in my best life, and I'm ending it, you know, and getting out just to start all over with something else.
• 14:12
  Speaker: And at this point, like I said, y'all, I was patterned.
• 14:16
  Speaker: At this point, I was patterned to accept terribleness because that's how my nervous system showed up.
• 14:24
  Speaker: And I was, and that was what I knew the most.
• 14:28
  Speaker: So I would take that on and take it on and take it on until I couldn't anymore.
• 14:34
  Speaker: And then every time they got worse and worse and worse every single time.
• 14:39
  Speaker: And I thought that my picker was broken for real.
• 14:45
  Speaker: I was just like, oh my gosh, I can't date, I can't do any of this anymore.
• 14:50
  Speaker: And to the point that even my friends were like, let me pick your next boyfriend.
• 14:56
  Speaker: And they were like, you next time you decide you like somebody, you need to introduce him to your friends first, and then we'll let you know if he can stay or not.
• 15:05
  Speaker: I've had my family say that.
• 15:07
  Speaker: Next time you like somebody, you need to bring him home as quick as possible, and then we'll let you know if he's good or not.
• 15:14
  Speaker: You know, and I know that they're saying that shit, like out of like protection and wanting the best for me, and I get that.
• 15:22
  Speaker: And then I even had one friend go as far to say, uh, Fitz, I don't know who you could be with.
• 15:29
  Speaker: I have no idea.
• 15:31
  Speaker: I don't see it.
• 15:32
  Speaker: I'm like, damn, that hurts.
• 15:35
  Speaker: I really can't like be in a relationship.
• 15:39
  Speaker: But it wasn't that my picker was the problem, but also I'm gonna say this strong statement, not to hurt anyone's feelings, but in all reality, if I wouldn't choose my friends as romantic partners, I don't know why I was allowing them to be relationship experts in my life.
• 16:07
  Speaker: You know what I mean?
• 16:09
  Speaker: If I wouldn't choose my family as my romantic partners, why was I going to allow them to be relationship experts in my life?
• 16:20
  Speaker: Like how silly is that?
• 16:23
  Speaker: Right?
• 16:24
  Speaker: So I had to get real with my picker and myself.
• 16:31
  Speaker: And that's honestly when I started going to counseling.
• 16:34
  Speaker: And I needed some type of reflection and I needed some type of somebody that I didn't know me that I could open up to unbiased and truly just talk shit about my friends at the time, talk shit about my family at the time, talk shit about myself at the time.
• 16:57
  Speaker: I needed somebody who would just listen to me and then reflect to me, be my mirror on exactly what it was that I needed in that time.
• 17:07
  Speaker: And that's when I was reckoned with how patterned I was and how my nervous system showed up.
• 17:17
  Speaker: And that's when I started learning about nervous system work and shadow work and light energy and um really that's how I started learning how to trust myself.
• 17:31
  Speaker: I didn't know what a gut instinct was until then because I didn't sit with myself until then.
• 17:40
  Speaker: I didn't let myself, I didn't let my body catch up to my mind.
• 17:46
  Speaker: My mind is neurodivergent, I'm sure, because some all of us are on some way, shape, or form.
• 17:54
  Speaker: It goes so much faster than my body does.
• 17:59
  Speaker: And then by the time it catches up to my body, well, I'm in a sleep mode.
• 18:04
  Speaker: And I have to process it unconsciously to wake up and do it again.
• 18:09
  Speaker: But there was a point in that time frame where I learned how to sit still and be with me.
• 18:17
  Speaker: And not only did I stop outsourcing my relationships to my friends and my family, I started trusting myself and my decisions.
• 18:29
  Speaker: And I would make these little bitty decisions every single day, moving from that place of I can trust myself.
• 18:38
  Speaker: Right.
• 18:38
  Speaker: And it was that that little bitty shift of stuff.
• 18:45
  Speaker: And it added up over time to be evidence that for me and my subconscious to believe in myself again, to trust me again.
• 19:01
  Speaker: And I started dating, and I at this point I had had Theo, and I started dating, and then I would quickly end it, and I wouldn't really talk about it much with my friends or my family, and I would date and I would end it and then date and end it.
• 19:18
  Speaker: And then I got really good at realizing like I can say no, I can say I'm not don't want to date you anymore.
• 19:28
  Speaker: Get this though.
• 19:30
  Speaker: Okay, so I'm gonna sidetrack on this conversation on my own conversation, miss sidetrack on my own conversation.
• 19:36
  Speaker: So I was dating this dude, and we were dating, we went on like four dates, and I'm like, all right, I'm down.
• 19:43
  Speaker: I don't like you.
• 19:44
  Speaker: Like, you're this is not a forever thing, and I'm not wasting my time.
• 19:47
  Speaker: And he was just like, Well, tell me, can you just tell me why?
• 19:51
  Speaker: What is it about me?
• 19:53
  Speaker: What is going on with me?
• 19:54
  Speaker: What is it about me?
• 19:55
  Speaker: And I'm like, I just don't want you.
• 19:59
  Speaker: I just there's probably nothing wrong with you.
• 20:01
  Speaker: You're just not my kind of guy, you know, just not into it.
• 20:07
  Speaker: And then he kept coming back around, coming back around, coming back around.
• 20:10
  Speaker: I was like, here, all right.
• 20:12
  Speaker: Well, then I guess I will just I just fly, I don't like you.
• 20:15
  Speaker: That's it.
• 20:16
  Speaker: I just don't like you.
• 20:17
  Speaker: So like I had to get to the point where I was just like, I had to cut it on so many levels.
• 20:22
  Speaker: I had to cut it.
• 20:24
  Speaker: I just don't like you, dude.
• 20:25
  Speaker: I don't want to be around you.
• 20:27
  Speaker: Don't want to date you, and you're not the kind of guy I want to be around my son.
• 20:32
  Speaker: Why is this hard for you to hear?
• 20:35
  Speaker: And why are you asking me if it's hard for you to hear?
• 20:39
  Speaker: So, anyway, that's where that went.
• 20:43
  Speaker: And that was the story, but it the part of that, and why I tell that is because I've not really ever been like that mean.
• 20:53
  Speaker: And I'm always really kind of aware of hurting people's feelings.
• 20:58
  Speaker: I don't want to hurt people's feelings, I don't want to make anyone feel less than or smaller than or anything, you know, like the there's enough people in the world that do that already on the regular.
• 21:10
  Speaker: I do not want to be part of that group.
• 21:13
  Speaker: Okay, that is not what I want to do.
• 21:15
  Speaker: But at the same token, I'm going to protect me and mine.
• 21:23
  Speaker: And if I have to be so ruthless, then I have to be so ruthless.
• 21:33
  Speaker: And I didn't know that I could do that until that moment.
• 21:39
  Speaker: So that was kind of um eye-opening to me and uh in an awakening kind of way that I didn't really realize like I had that choice and that power to be so certain that that's something.
• 21:59
  Speaker: I didn't want.
• 22:01
  Speaker: So it was great because I had been practicing so much, right?
• 22:06
  Speaker: Like practicing, not outsourcing myself.
• 22:09
  Speaker: And that also meant to men and different stranger men or whatever on um that level too.
• 22:20
  Speaker: Like he could have continued to talk me off of my ledge of no no no.
• 22:28
  Speaker: I don't want to be with you by just continuing to be so persistent and showing up and blah blah blah.
• 22:34
  Speaker: But that practice that I had on learning how to trust myself and be with myself and sitting still like that cut it for me to where like I could begin to say and stand in my own power and my own authority of no, this is not for me.
• 22:57
  Speaker: I'm not doing it.
• 22:59
  Speaker: This is not for me.
• 23:00
  Speaker: So anyway, I was really proud of myself for that.
• 23:03
  Speaker: And not because I hurt somebody's feelings, but proud of myself for sticking to my guns on no, I'm not gonna be with you, and I don't have to ask anybody else if this is right for me or not.
• 23:16
  Speaker: Whereas my past self would had because I was patterned to do that.
• 23:20
  Speaker: Okay.
• 23:21
  Speaker: So with that, that's a type of self-leadership, right?
• 23:27
  Speaker: Like that's a type of self-leadership where it's not really certainty, it's trusting yourself enough, trusting yourself enough to make a decision and learn from it.
• 23:38
  Speaker: That's what it is.
• 23:40
  Speaker: That's the whole point to not outsource yourself.
• 23:45
  Speaker: It's to trust yourself enough to make a decision and then learn from it.
• 23:50
  Speaker: And that's the life, right?
• 23:53
  Speaker: And I'm not saying don't listen to people.
• 23:59
  Speaker: I'm not saying that at all.
• 24:00
  Speaker: Because it's not about not listening to people at all, actually.
• 24:10
  Speaker: It's stop making everyone else's voice louder than yours.
• 24:14
  Speaker: There you go.
• 24:15
  Speaker: That's what it is.
• 24:17
  Speaker: Stop making everyone else's voice louder than your own, right?
• 24:23
  Speaker: Because at the end of the day, you you are the CEO of your life, and everyone else is just a consultant.
• 24:33
  Speaker: Yes, you can confide in people.
• 24:36
  Speaker: You can talk about your life with people.
• 24:41
  Speaker: Absolutely.
• 24:42
  Speaker: People want to be part of your life all the time, and you be part of other people's lives, but the version of you that gets to exist out of all of it is the one that you trust the most.
• 24:57
  Speaker: And that's where it's at.
• 24:59
  Speaker: Trust yourself enough to know that you can make the best decisions for your life and practice on it, right?
• 25:10
  Speaker: Like just practice.
• 25:12
  Speaker: And it's really funny because like right now in my life, like 2026 life, is this newness, this amazing life that I feel like I have right now, it actually never came from a consensus of other people.
• 25:28
  Speaker: It didn't.
• 25:31
  Speaker: It came from me listening to myself.
• 25:34
  Speaker: It came from me having a lot of silent moments to feel what I feel.
• 25:39
  Speaker: Things that Josh and I have talked about, things that we've gone through, things that have gotten us to where we are today.
• 25:48
  Speaker: Like all of that stuff has been uh me.
• 25:53
  Speaker: And yeah, I moved away from my friends to be closer to my family, but at the same in the same breath, my family allowed me space to get to know Josh before I allowed more time for him to join my family during those early moments of our relationship.
• 26:20
  Speaker: And that I know I'm super lucky to have.
• 26:24
  Speaker: And that I had, and they gave me that space, and I am so thankful because with that I got to practice trusting me for my future, for my son's future.
• 26:40
  Speaker: And it came from listening to myself.
• 26:45
  Speaker: This podcast came from listening to myself, my yoga, my gym, my retreats, my marriage, the version of Rachel that exists today came from me listening to me.
• 26:56
  Speaker: And I own my responsibilities now.
• 26:58
  Speaker: I own my decisions, and I'm so grateful to get to learn from them in a in a way where I get to show up as like almost a third party to my life, like a a witness.
• 27:13
  Speaker: It's really cool.
• 27:16
  Speaker: So I want to invite you to do that for yourself.
• 27:19
  Speaker: I hope this resonates with you in these actions that you can take on learning how to start with self first and lead yourself first without outsourcing your power to your friends, to your family, to your partner even.
• 27:41
  Speaker: You know, even to that.
• 27:44
  Speaker: So if you want to learn more about this, I'm happy to open up with this more.
• 27:52
  Speaker: And you can always join my email list and schedule time with me one-on-one if you want to, and we can talk through what that looks like for you and your life, and I can guarantee I won't lead you through a decision where it's mine.
• 28:13
  Speaker: That would totally be yours, and I can lead you to get there.
• 28:18
  Speaker: So, anyway, thank you for listening today.
• 28:21
  Speaker: Thank you for being part of this podcast, this beautiful community.
• 28:25
  Speaker: And again, if you love it, share it, right?
• 28:29
  Speaker: Like, really, ultimately, this podcast exists as my way of giving back to the world, as my way of giving a piece of little bits of wisdom that I've gained, that I love learning about, that I love sharing, and that if it helps one person, literally just one, then I'm done.
• 28:56
  Speaker: My mission and my job.
• 28:58
  Speaker: And I'm super thankful, super grateful for the opportunity to get to stand on this platform and fill my heart out to you guys.
• 29:08
  Speaker: So thank you for keeping up or keeping up with the show, showing up every week.
• 29:14
  Speaker: And um, yeah, I'd love to see you in my community.
• 29:17
  Speaker: I'd love to see you on in my email list.
• 29:20
  Speaker: I would love to see you anywhere, you know, and also if you want to use any of these discounts that I have, uh Lotus and Luna is a really awesome fair trade um clothing store.
• 29:34
  Speaker: They also have beautiful jewelry, it's all online.
• 29:37
  Speaker: Lotus and Luna, it's in the show notes.
• 29:39
  Speaker: You get 20% off using code fits in.
• 29:42
  Speaker: RageCreate is one of my favorite deck creators out there.
• 29:47
  Speaker: Um, I love all of their stationary stuff.
• 29:50
  Speaker: You can also use code fitsin and get your own 20% off.
• 29:53
  Speaker: And uh also work with um amazing breath workers like Tab Fit DeBruit.
• 30:01
  Speaker: And if you want a life form yoga mat, which is the only math that I use, I would recommend using my code and getting some money back as well.
• 30:12
  Speaker: So all of these things help support me and the show in other ways and also get you some really cool goodies as well.
• 30:21
  Speaker: So, anyway, I want you to have the best day.
• 30:24
  Speaker: And I also want you to know that you are your most important project.
• 30:30
  Speaker: Oh my stay, friends.