Latest / The Habit Lab / Episode 92: Risk a little awkwardness...To Speak Life!

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Episode 92: Risk a little awkwardness...To Speak Life! · The Habit Lab

• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: We all have areas in our life we might feel stuck or overwhelmed.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: So join me, Jenna Zint, habit coach, teacher, and follower of Jesus, as we go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: This is the Habit Lab Podcast.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, welcome to Habit Lab.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Jenna Marie Z.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, oh, oh.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: I meant to do the laser sound, but I think that sounded more like a seal.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I am wondering why my career as a sound effect person never took off.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Still a mystery.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Habit Lab.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um, this episode is about an oldie but goody.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: One of my habits.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: So, fun fact, this one originated in high school.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it was probably the two-year stint of my life that I was faithful with journaling before I got into, I kind of bullet journal my emotions and some of my processes with the Lord.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Nowadays, since habit, my since I have my morning routine dialed, I've started it again.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: But for two decades, no, that's not right.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: That doesn't math.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: For at least a decade I didn't journal and I was actually uncertain about my salvation.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Just kidding.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: But it did feel like every single, gosh, I don't know, every single piece of advice was geared towards quiet time and journaling.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, what about those of us whose minds run faster than the pen ever could, you know?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but thus the Lord has shown me the magic of bullet journal journaling and then journaling for a purpose, which would be processing my emotions, feels more worth the effort or like impactful.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: So I do, I do do that now.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: But back in the day, this is the two-year stint in high school where I was journaling and I got this revelation.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: I remember um journaling about some nice things.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: I was thinking about different people at my school.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: I don't remember why.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I can actually remember my journal as I'm picturing it.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, oh yeah, I remember that was almost like a binder, trapper keeper situation.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: Any other children of the 80s say yes and amen.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: They remember those.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, anyways, and I was writing down these nice things about this friend, and I felt like the Lord was like, you should tell them.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I literally was like, No.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: Dear Holy Spirit, I know you are the wisdom of all the ages, but you clearly have not gone to high school.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because if I were to go up to a person and initiate a conversation just to tell them kind things, that would be extremely awkward, and I would be an oddball and maybe potentially socially blacklisted.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it does not work like that.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I giggle at how I still used to argue low-key, respectfully argue with the Holy Spirit when I was younger, apparently.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: I've grown a little bit, but not a ton.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: Anyways, and then I just remember the Holy Spirit posing the question to me of like, isn't it worth so what you're saying is you don't say those things because it is uncomfortable and they would be like it's not culturally the norm.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you could take enough amount of time to like build up a normal conversation, drop it in the middle, and then build up afterwards, so it's not just like a dry-by encouragement, like, okay, but then my resistance would have been to him, like, but I don't have the time all the time.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: So then he was like, if you don't have the time to make it not awkward, but you're thinking these nice things, your resistance to doing it is because you don't want them to think you're weird or have a little bit of uncomfortableness, whether it's a look or they actually say you're weird, or even they just give you that awkward smile where you're like, Yeah, yeah, I know that was that was that was a lot.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I was like, Yeah, exactly.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Great, you do understand how this works.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, Do you see the flaw there?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if you think about your words producing life, or there's like a scripture in Thessalonians, like encourage one another, I think it's like build each other up, it's pretty simple.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: But if that's the mandate that I've given you, and you know what the power of your words are, but you're withholding, almost like partnering with me to quote unquote encourage each other or build someone up, whether or not they're a believer, because of how you might be perceived.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, mm-hmm.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, okay, okay.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: So at this, at this point in my life, I don't know about y'all, but I had a season of zealousness for the Lord where I was like, I would be celibate for you, Lord, or I, you know, if you wanted me to be a martyr, I was really considering if I could give him a full honest yes about martyrhood yet.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, So you would you're cons you're thinking that you would be able to be martyred for me, but you're not willing to be perceived as a slightly awkward to go say something kind about someone.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, oh, I didn't, I didn't think of that as a realm of the gospel.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: But when you look at it as like encouraging um either identity, literally just a compliment about their outfit, like that actually could fit into this category.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: But sometimes I think we can simplify things to be like, no, that's I would say the gospel.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm willing to look awkward for the gospel or stand up for my beliefs on social media, but then you won't take the time in real time in person to say something that's encouraging.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, okay, I see the gap in my gospel.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: I think you guys know that phrase enough.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: When the Lord points out my how my actions, my behaviors betray my theology.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, okay, I see your point there.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: So, anyways, it started me on this kick of it was super simple, but if I think something nice, I say it.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: And it's it was that simple.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: But part of it was I had to do it pretty quickly, not because Holy Spirit was telling me to do it quickly, but I realized the longer I thought about it, the higher stakes it met, and the more awkward I felt, the more likely I was to talk myself out.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: So it was like the quicker, it was like ripping a band-aid off.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: And then the next thing I had to do, so it's quick delivery, was a big part of my success.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: Or not success, um, how about part of the habit?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: And then the second one was it actually doesn't matter if in the moment it lands where they they feel kind or they feel warm or they give me anything back.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's when it actually is not actually just a gift of sewing life or you know, sewing identity.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's a reciprocation of a conversation.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: And that's when it's some level of my self-consciousness versus like honestly, I'm doing this being Christ-focused versus Jenna focused.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: This isn't about how they perceive me or if they think highly of me or they think I'm weird.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I actually definitely was nicknamed the cuckoo head or oh, cracker.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: I can't remember.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: There's some level of, I got the nickname of just being kind of a little wonky and eccentric and energetic, which I'm sure you can hear in my adult self.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but this awareness of like, I'm okay if that's for warmth.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not actually trying to be weird.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not trying to be extra, but if they perceive me on that scale, but I sneak in some encouragement that that sits in their heart and eventually grows, whether I see it or not.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: It reminds me of literally like the gospel how it's just your job to say something.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what if we actually have accidentally sat on compliments, kind words, things we've noticed because we haven't noticed that that is us cooperating with the gospel and play like speaking words of life, and we think of it as being awkward, but actually like, oh, that's part of the price.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's okay.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: So then the cool thing is I just went on this mission for a couple years.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: If I think something, say something.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: I don't, it's not about me.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually not about me.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about flattery, it's not about an exchange.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: I just want to like commit to not letting self-consciousness hinder my mouth, or like self-consciousness hinder the flow of love, or self-consciousness hinder something even as basic as a compliment that the Holy Spirit might use later.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: And the cool part is because I've been doing this, like, this is just so in me now, after a couple decades, because I was probably like 16, that I have gotten so many epic testimonies.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: When I say epic testimonies, not like, and then it changed my life and I became an artist because you told me in fifth grade I did a really stellar zebra painting in art class.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Not like that, but this awareness of what I noticed is the it was crazy.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: I wish I can remember a certain time, but I made myself notice when people would circle back.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: So maybe I'd give a compliment, it'd be awkward.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: In high school, people don't, you know, like hide it as much.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: They'd be like, thanks.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: Or I'd tell, like, hey, your shoes are so fun and like bright colored.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: You must really be a creative, and I love that you're embracing your creativity.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like that would be the level.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: I start with a compliment and try one or two levels of tying it into who they are or who I see them to be not crazy.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Most of the time, I'd say, frankly, 95% of the time, I never said God.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: It was just taking it a little layer or two deeper into like a character word.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, with if it started with a basic compliment about, you know, what they're wearing or what I saw them do, or what, you know, whatever.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I would say most of the time, maybe like even 50%, people did not like, they were like, yes, thank you, or that means so much.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: Most of the time, especially in my teenage years, people are just like, okay, weirdo.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: Or like, sure.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, there was not a positive feeling.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: It actually cost me something.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: It was a bit of awkwardness.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: It cost me face, it cost me um thinking that I was much and I was extra.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: But then the cool part would be, I, as I never have an untangled, like various response for whether it was worth it or if it was working, because it's not, we're not guaranteed, like when we're called to sow seeds of love, it's not this instant ROI, you know?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like things can simmer and we're not guaranteed to see the harvest.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: We're just called to plant the compliment or the kind words, the really basic, not overthinking this and making it a thus saith the Lord, or not waiting.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, like, yes, if you feel Holy Spirit really clearly, for sure go that.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: But I think people leave all this middle ground of just compliments and kind words and identity things, like observations, like kind observations on the table, because we don't realize that they could be planning life and like the Lord could use them for seeds, you know.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: So, anyways, what I would say though is people kept circling back.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it was a month later, maybe it was a week later, maybe it was like six months later, and they'd be like, Hey, when you gave me that compliment about my purse and you told me why you thought it was cool and you know, like what that meant about me or whatever it was, maybe just why it was cool.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, they were like, I know I didn't say anything at the moment, but like that meant so much to me because I wasn't sure if it was cool and I was feeling a little self-conscious.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: And when you said that, that like solidified it for me.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I know I didn't say anything to you, but like I kept replaying your words, and I would hear that time and time again.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: And it was the whole, and then finally the Holy Spirit was like, see, this is not about you.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: Do not be so short-sighted that you are waiting for how it lands with them to decide whether or not you're gonna give compliments, like give them freely and wholeheartedly.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: So I would encourage you listeners, if you think something, say something.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: And it's cool because this actually full circle moment, Aaron and I had our 17th anniversary this past weekend.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: And one of the reasons, one of the fun stories about how we got together was I would I would do this so much.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um, Aaron, he was like, I was like 23, so it's probably like five years me doing this.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: He said, You're really good at this.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like, this is a strong skill set.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: You speak life all the time and give people compliments, and you see people and you notice them.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, I want to get, I you know, I don't do that well.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: I feel self-conscious, or all the reasons that most people would be like, This is why I don't do it as liberally.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: And um, anyway, so I encouraged him to, and so then he went home and was like, I'm gonna try it.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: And he wrote four pages in his journal.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: He actually got his journal out, his OG journal.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um, Aaron was a journaler because his mind thinks at a normal pace.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: And he got he still has his journal, so he got it out and he's he was reading through the four pages of kind words that he thought about me because he was trying to practice this habit that he saw me doing.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: If you think it, say it.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: If you think something kind, say something kind.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: And um, anyways, so he takes me out to lunch or breakfast and he was like, I want to um read you all the things I wrote about you as I'm trying to practice that habit you modeled.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: And um he reads me the four pages in his journal.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, wow, and he's gonna transition to this is why I want to be your girlfriend, because it was like, you know, four pages of like kind words, and he ends with, and this is why I can't wait to be our friend, or I'm so excited about our friendship, and I was like, you know, like emergency break, excuse me, friendship?
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: Because that person you just read four pages about sounds awesome, and I would have been sure that you wanted to date her, but no, just kidding.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: These are all my thoughts.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: But really, what I said at the moment was, Is this is there a chance for more than friendship?
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, anyways, so it's cool because this habit is actually one of the instigating points of our connection and what caused us to date.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: So it felt appropriate to bring it up.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: But that being said, my challenge for you, whether you're at the grocery store, whether you're at the gas station, whether someone parks next to you in the parking lot, whether you if you think, if a kind thought, if a compliment, like their smile, if you saw them go the extra mile to put the cart back in the grocery, you know, like in the target parking lot, say it.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: Say it, say it, say it.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm pounding the desk.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: I, you would be shocked if all of us Christians didn't even prophesy.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: But if we actually just said every nice kind thing to the people that we saw around us, I think there would be this crazy shift in man, in the atmosphere in the US, wherever you're listening, it's shocking the ROI on this.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: And one of the way reasons I wanted to do this podcast now is because um I it's just so a habit that like I'll circle back after I interact with a person at my kiddo's school and they were kind, or I thought I saw them um like say something nice to a kid in the hall as I was walking by, and you know, they didn't know me or see me, but I was like, wow, what intentionality! I will circle back and be like, hey, to the aid.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I I saw you do that and I saw you care for his heart really well, and like that is such beautiful intentionality.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for carrying on the kids of the school this well.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: What it is to me is I feel like we should be so rooted in identity and purpose and big picture vision and core values that when we notice someone, whether or not they're in the kingdom yet, when we call out those core values, woo! I feel the Holy Spirit, I'm having my preach moment, it will accentuate and like um what's the word?
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: Fertilize more of those core values.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's like love perpetuates love, kindness perpetuates kindness.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I think the the habit is having to to circle back and be interruptible for those thoughts.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: I and even risk awkwardness.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually not about what they think about you.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: If you say you're willing to do anything for the Lord, like then you can very much so start with if you think something kind, say something kind.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: I I write emails to the to our principals telling them, like bragging on different teachers I've interacted with that I think do a stunning job.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: We write thank you, you know, like we write the thank you notes, but then also we say it.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember grabbing um last week, I grabbed one of the assistant principals to tell her how awesome, like what I was noticing in the assembly about how well the teacher her staff was doing.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, oh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna actually give them these kind words and thoughts to someone.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: I couldn't interrupt the teachers on the stage, but I was like, oh, I at least can cast vision.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sure she respects her staff and loves it.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: But me telling her the kind things I'm seeing and the like admirable qualities that are happening in front of us is changing her perspective too.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, or what was it the other day?
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: Wesley was got to go to a birthday party for a classmate at his school.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then afterwards, the the mom texted like a thank you for the present.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I had thought about how I had noticed a bunch of like sweet mom moments, and I had thought a few times about how good of a mom she was after the fact.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: So instead of saying anything, I just sent her, I think it was a 45-second voice memo telling her all the kind things I thought about the party and how they reflected her as a mom.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: And you guys, we don't know each other that well.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like I literally was like, okay, this is every time you do it, you are absolutely gonna risk some level of awkwardness or being perceived odd or forward or too much.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: But y'all, if nothing else, that's the lowest hanging fruit of the gospel.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: That like all of the apostles risked too much weird, countercultural.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: This is the lowest hanging fruit.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't, I'm not shaming y'all, but I'm saying that like I'm inviting you into like this is actually easy, but you have to be interruptible, you have to notice it, you have to make time, you have to risk some awkwardness, and remember it's not about you.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: So I am leaving you with this.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, actually, and that I forgot, I think I forgot to say that mom event messaged back and said, like, thank you, those words were so kind.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: It means a lot that you see my thoughtfulness with motherhood or something like that.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: But again, it's actually not about their response.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: I would bet that Wesley is next to me.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm almost done, Bob.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_01: I bet more than 50% of the time, no one ever says anything back.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about the reciprocation.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's like you're just called to sow identity and to highlight, emphasize, encourage kingdom values, whether the person's in the kingdom or not.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: We're emphasizing what we see to encourage more of it.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: So your very simple habit is I would like you at least.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna throw it out there twice a day.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: If you know if you think something kind, say it.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: Go interrupt the stranger.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: Tell them, hey, though, I like I admire your responsibility for returning the cart.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's literally that simple.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: People get thrown off.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, is this lady talking to me?
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: Why is she talking to me?
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: And then they catch on and maybe they smile later, maybe they never catch it.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: No problem.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually not about me.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not promised an ROI, but I am promised.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, Wesley's making ridiculous faces at me.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Bubba.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: My challenge for you is if you think something nice, be interruptible and say something nice.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: And then my next invitation is my summer course.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: If you've bought it or not, grab it.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: I've officially launched the$24 coaching package add-on.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: The dates are, I have that information.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'll link it in the show notes.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: First week of June is the kickoff call, mid-July is the mid-summer call to recalibrate.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_01: And then I have a um summer support, which is six 10-minute coaching calls for$89.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's normally$120.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: They're just quick 10-minute check-ins throughout the summer, so you don't feel like you're alone.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: So if the wheels are falling off, you don't have to put them back on solo.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_01: We could brainstorm together, edit, and pray for you, whatever that looks like.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: Usually the 10 minute calls get used in a lot of variety of ways, but that summer support package is on the website too.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, blessings, everybody.