Latest / A Heart That Beats for Home / 30. Strategies for Flourishing in a Teen-Filled Home with Annique Dean

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30. Strategies for Flourishing in a Teen-Filled Home with Annique Dean · A Heart That Beats for Home

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hello friends, welcome back to another week here at A Heart that Beats for Home, excited to have you with us as we're moving towards the end of summer into our August month of parenting here and talking now about our older kids.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: We've had June and July to really focus on the younger ages and now in August, focusing on that 12 to 18 stage, which is the coaching years, and then 18 and beyond, which is the friendship years.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: And I have the best guest today for this stage my dear friend Anique Dean is with us.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: And Anique has five children, friends, five children in the teen and young adult stage.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: So she is going to give us a little intro on her family, but I could not think of a better person to have so many at once.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: I can't wait to talk to her about raising five high schoolers at the same time Also get a little peek, maybe down memory lane, of what it used to look like with five, five and under, because that's a whole different ball game.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: But, anique, I am just so excited to have you here with us and would love for you just to give us a little intro about you, your family, who you are, and then we're just going to have some fun conversation.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: Well, awesome, I'm super excited to be here and honored to be asked to be a guest.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: So I am a mom First and foremost.
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: My husband and I live in Saskatoon, saskatchewan, canada, which is always a mouthful.
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: And, yeah, we have five kids ranging from ages 20 through 13.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: Four boys, one girl, one set of twins, and so we had five kids.
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: Our oldest was six when we had our fifth baby.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: I always tease people because, like, five kids, like how did you?
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: Well, how did that happen?
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: Did you plan that?
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: And I'm like, listen, it gets cold and dark where I live.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: There's not a lot to do in the winter.
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: I said, boom, surprise, fifth, one kind of slipped through because we had four and we had the twins and I always thought I'd have four kids and then we got an extra cherry on top and he is like the best.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: So I am a former school teacher.
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: I taught grade seven for a number of years, moved into partnering with a really great brand in business and I've been doing that for the last 16 and a half, which has allowed me a lot of time to be a mom and a wife, which were my biggest priorities.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: And most recently I've moved into going back to school.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: I have some time now that we're transitioning, with a little more independence in the kids, and I'm currently in the middle of a certification to be a parent coach, and I'm really excited about that.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: That's going to be in a nutshell, tell us about a parent coach?
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: What does that look like?
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: You know, I think we just have so many people right now.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: Just, we're going through a lot of change in the world.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: There's a lot of shifts.
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: The last five years has come with it a lot of change, and so there's a lot of people feeling worry and are they doing this right and just needing some support, guidance and, I think, some compassionate ears.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: And so that's where the parenting coach side comes in and we work with people moms, dads, couples to just give them support through any stage of parenting, even into those young adult years, because we think you know, 18, they're done school, they're grown up, but we're really seeing a hard transition for those in those 18 to 23, 24, 25, they're still kids.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: So supporting them in all those roles and it is crazy, you know, you think done at 18 years.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: It's just a different level of things that you're helping them handle.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: You're still walking through.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: I feel like the older our kids get, just the transition of maybe the physically exerting in the beginning becomes very much emotional exertion in the end as you have these older kids.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: So I love that you're doing that.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: That was a treat for me to read that.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: I didn't know that that was something you were pursuing.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: You will be absolutely amazing at that.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: So let's back up a little bit and let's go to the early years for a second before we jump into this current stage.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: When you look back on you know because again on the podcast we have parents listening from all stages, from not even having children yet, all the way through empty nesters when you look back on those early years when you had those five kids in six years, like what comes back to you?
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: What do you really remember about that time?
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: Honestly, it was just really getting through day to day and that's what I had to focus on, because at the same time, I was also building a business from home my husband is a CPA building a business from home.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: My husband is a CPA, so he's an accountant.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: He was busy working and to keep track of, especially as we started, because I had some in school but I still had babies and toddlers.
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: I had four under four twice and so it was.
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: It was literally just getting through the day to day and trying to have fun with it, and something I did and I still do I feel like it's such a great affirmation that I would repeat to myself is like everything that needs to get done today will get done.
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: Everything that needs to get done today will get done, because I think, as young parents, we need to give ourselves some credit and compassion and grace for how busy and how much we are needed and you are, we're over-touched, we're over-stimulated.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: Sleep is a huge thing.
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: So I know for me, I knew I was a better mom if I got proper sleep and if my kids got proper sleep, I could get proper sleep.
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: So that was probably one of my biggest priorities when they were young was having kids on.
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: I'm very I was a middle-years teacher.
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: I'm all about routines and scheduling and a flexible schedule.
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: We had to be flexible because there was days where I had babies sleeping and I had to pick up someone from school and you know, you have that juggle and I realized that the quicker I was able to think creatively and outside of the box, I could figure out anything.
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: There was no problem I couldn't figure out.
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: I just had to take some time to think about it Instead of getting overwhelmed.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: I worked very quickly at getting myself talk in order.
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: I was raised by two teachers and my dad ended up becoming a counselor.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: So I was.
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: I always tease people.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: I'm like I was therapized my entire child, young adult life.
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: But it brought with me a lot of skills because I learned the power of how I spoke to myself and by doing that myself you end up inadvertently teaching that to your children and your family.
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: And so I guess preparing myself for the expectations of each day, having a plan and then also being open to support.
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of times we can be very prideful and we want to do everything ourself and I very quickly, especially once we had the twins.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: I remember thinking I had the first two boys and they were two and a half years apart.
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: And then, when we had the twins, our second son was only 22 months old.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: So we had a four-year-old, a 22-month-old, two newborn twins.
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: We had no local family we had.
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: I mean, we obviously have friends, but my mom and dad you know both were still working.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: They lived about an hour and a half away.
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: My husband's folks were in another province and so I remembered before people would you know, oh, can we help, can we do this, can we do that?
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: And I, oh, I, oh, no, it's okay, we're good, we're good.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: But I said to my husband when we had twins I'm like people offer, we're not even going to say no, thanks, we're going to say yes, please, thank you, whatever you know, and the support we got, and people want to help, and so if you have someone who says to you I'll take the kids for the afternoon, you go, you go get a massage or you go to the hairdresser or go have a nap, take those opportunities, because I think that's what helps us be the best parent we can be is when we are able to take care of ourself, and that's really hard for women to do is that self-care component.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: That's a big part of my parent coaching program too.
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: It's teaching women, especially women, that it's okay to take care of yourself, and when you do that, you're going to be much more capable of being patient, of being calm, of making good choices as a mom and your word.
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: Those are some of the things I when I look back at those years.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: It was crazy, though there were times I'm like I don't know how I got through the day, but we did and you made it and you survived, and it probably is a little bit of a blur, isn't it interesting?
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: How, what you're talking about how so often and I know I fall into this category for sure how you can feel guilty or like it's making you think that I'm not a good enough mom or I'm failing somehow if I accept help.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: I can't think of really any other area in life outside of the home where, if you have people that work with you on a project at work or you have committees at school boards and things, it's all about bringing people alongside you.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: But there is something in the DNA of a lot of us moms that feel like taking that help is admitting weakness and just how we have to overcome that.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: I think that is huge and something that we can all learn.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: So thank you for sharing that and for us to be okay to take it before we're in an emergency situation.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: For you, right, it was maybe the twins that was like okay, now we have no choice, but just as moms like just encouraging all of us to take a minute and say what is it about my own pride?
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: Maybe that resists help and lets me get myself so worn thin.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: Well, and I think right from the get-go and I just heard this last week or so right from the moment we become a mother, right, we're expected we've just given birth or we have had a C-section and we're expected to be up three hours later taking care of that baby.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: And I didn't have C-sections.
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: So with C-sections always was like, oh my gosh, they just had massive surgery.
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: But I'm like I just delivered, it's natural.
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: And then someone had a baby with a midwife and the midwife held up the placenta and showed the mom and said you have a open wound in your body the size of this.
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: If you have that on your leg or on your bath, what would people say to you?
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: They would be like, oh my goodness, you need to get into bed, you need to rest.
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: Your husband and your mom would take care of you.
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: But when we give birth, we're expected to just like motor on and I think, if we can understand that, it's okay to take care of us.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: And in the guilt the mother guilt that we feel and that never goes away, unfortunately is huge and having someone bring you a meal, having someone take your older kids for an afternoon, like makes such a huge difference when you in those years when you have babies and we for that reason we would it was always the two-year-old, whoever was two we ended up putting in daycare, and I that was when I was pregnant with the twins my doctor was like you have to be off of work because you're at and I think it was 28 weeks because you are.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: I wasn't on bed rest, but I was kind of on house arrest.
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: I needed to just rest and she was.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: You need to sleep for two and a half three hours every afternoon because you're growing babies.
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: Well, I had an 18 month old at the time who was a baby himself still, and I hadn't had the twins yet, so he definitely was my baby.
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: And then I had a four year old and she's like you're going to have to put the boys in daycare, you're going to be off of work teaching.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: You need to be home by yourself, resting and eating, sleeping, and you know what?
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: That was probably the best gift, because I listened to my doctor, of course, and but as we went forward, even after we have the twins at home, that two-year-old is the one that seems to two and three-year-old right, that mid-toddler.
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: They're into everything and they're fat and they're curious and they have.
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: They have no limits and they're kind of like a teenager in terms of their inhibitions, right where they're impulsive like a toddler, and teenagers, I feel like, are very similar in a lot of ways.
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: And so that having the toddler and it was it once a week, and my husband would take whoever it was to daycare, as I and I remember that just almost a sense of relief and it was only one leaving.
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: I still had three or four that I was, you know, taking care of at home, but it's like removing just the one for the day.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: It was incredible how that just gave me a little bit more energy and a little, and it felt like I had, I could get so much more done.
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: And so those little things, do them for yourself, cause I promise you you're, you're going to end up being a better mom, a better version of you, a better friend, a better wife.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: You're gonna be happier, you're going to be more settled when you do those little things ensure that by getting that help.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: I love that, Okay, so now let's jump ahead to this teenage stage.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: So obviously it's been a trickling in to the point that now they're all really with the 13 year old at the, at the lower end, up to 20, you're now officially.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: I remember when our son turned 13 and I was like I will never again parent little kids like it's teenagers and above for me.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: So now, having all five of them, a couple of things.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: First of all, I have to know about cause you have four boys and one girl, right?
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: I need to know about your grocery bill.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: I think we have to talk about food and what just goes on in a house.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: I know you're focusing on protein, You've got athletes, you've got all this stuff happening, so we have to talk about that.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: And then, just like, what does a day look like having five teenagers and young adults in your home?
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: And I know that you're also.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: We'll talk about this, maybe as a side question, but I know you're getting ready to send your first even though it's not your first born your first out of the home.
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: So first let's just talk about the food bill and the day to day, the food bill.
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: Okay, well, I remember when we had the kids when they were little, and people would say, didn't you think about how much it was going to cost when you had five kids?
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: And I'm like, not once.
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: That never, ever crossed my mind.
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: Because when they're little, clothes don't cost a lot.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: They have diapers for a short time there's.
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: You know, they don't eat a lot, even as little kids.
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: But yes, I have actually all five play football.
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: My daughter decided to play flag this spring so I had five football players.
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: So football players, two hockey players, they're all athletes, they're all busy.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: And I'm telling you the amount of food we go through and there's not just one supper.
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: They we call it supper here.
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: Dinner they have they've two, so there's one.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: It like depends because school's done and then everyone's kind of running to different places.
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: So there's always something when they get home, generally for them to eat the evening meal.
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: But then they get home at 8, 30, like.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: Last night it was 10 o'clock and I was like, what's that sound?
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: Oven is on, there's cheese being grated, they're making a nacho platter.
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: I was like it's, it's 10, 30, it's like what is happening.
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: So, yes, I probably need to do a big grocery shop every four days.
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: So I go usually to Costco once a week and I go to the regular grocery store once a week and we are the things.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: We run through great kevlar really fast.
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: That's a one.
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: We eat a ton of egg and, yes, meat, meat and bread.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: They just consume whatever I get.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: It seems like it's by the day after I go grocery shopping I feel like I could go again.
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: So yeah, the food is, the food is crazy.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: What is a day in the life with just these five kids?
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: So you probably have a good chunk of time now when you're home, because they're all in school, correct?
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so you have this chunk of time that you're home now and how that looks different for you, maybe for the first time, and then just the busyness of the coming and going of these kids at this age.
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so fun.
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of people are.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: We're spun a story about teenagers and I think a lot of young parents are really nervous about the teen years and teens are looked at at this really awful stage and honestly, I feel like the toddler years were harder and I try to say that toddler parent to give them because they're like people would always say to me oh you think this is hard to wait till they're teenagers.
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: I remember thinking that, helping me in this moment.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: But the teen years have been so fun and, yeah, bigger problems, bigger issues.
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: But the other thing with it is I think we can get to.
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: This is a bit of a sidebar, but I think it's the expectation we made.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: But I had a friend ask me once it's like your teens are so good, like how do you have so much?
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: And she used the word control, how do you have so much control over them?
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: And I said to her you know what I said?
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: I don't have control.
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: They're bigger than me.
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: I am the littlest person officially in my house right now, or right now, forever now.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: They passed me.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: My daughter is bigger than me and I said I don't have control.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: I said I have influence.
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: Because in those formative years of babies and toddlers and you know, in children you set the tone, you set up that value system in them, you set up all of those things that when you can have control, because you are physically bigger, I can pick up, you know, a child and put them in their car seat and do them up when we need to go.
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: But I can't do that now.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: I can't, you know, I can't force anyone to leave the house or enter the house.
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: They're bigger than me and so it's having influence.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: So that's why I think teen years have been fun.
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: It's not all sunshine and roses by any means, but it but it is so much fun.
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: And so, yeah, a day in the life is I get up first, before everyone, so I can have a coffee and some time to myself to journal and read for a bit, and then the house starts to wake up.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: My oldest gets up all on his own.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: He is now 20.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: We had five teenagers for nine days.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: So my youngest turned 13 and my oldest was 19.
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: So their birthdays are closed.
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: So my oldest turned 29 days after my youngest turned 13.
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: So he's on his own.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: He's a university student.
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: He's working full time.
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: Now it's his summer break, so he's up.
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: He's up, he's gone to work, he pretty, you know, he's kind of just in and out of the house, he eats food and visits with us, basically, and then the rest of the kids are high school and my youngest is in his last year of elementary school.
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: So it's yeah, it's, everyone has their time.
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: They want to get up.
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: So I start kind of poking kids up out of bed and they all and I just they just get ready and they feed themselves and I get myself ready.
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: It's crazy how different it was from years ago, because those transition times in the day are so.
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: They're still stressful now at times, but the morning is so much easier than it used to be.
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: So when I had my first son, I remember looking at my mom he was a few weeks old, or maybe he was a couple months old and thinking I said to her am I never gonna get to watch a full-length movie?
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: Like I'm just either feeding this baby or change I'm?
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: I'm always interrupted, they always need me.
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: I thought it was going to be like that for 18 years.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: And then, as you get going every age and stage, you say goodbye to one stage, but you get to enter a new one and there's more independence and there's more autonomy and who they are and you get to see this actual person you know, and there's five of them, so they're all so different.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: And then the they're off to school and I usually head to the gym and then I have time to work and the house is quiet.
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: I get to have it clean.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: There's always 75 pairs of shoes in the entryway that's one of my pet peeves and there's usually like socks and cups and spoons like randomly all over the house.
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: That's a big part of my house.
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: And then lunchtime just depends on the day.
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: Some come home, some don't.
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: And then after school is when it's like I have to be ready for like 3.30 because it's like there needs to be food, there needs to be a plan.
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: Who is getting rides where, who needs rides, who can drive themselves, who has carpool, who else am I having to carpool?
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: And we get through all of their practices, activities, and then we kind of reconvene.
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: Generally Some nights we're all home for dinner, some nights we're not.
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: We eat dinner with whoever is home at kind of 6 pm and then we all kind of reconvene.
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: It seems like in the kitchen like nine-ish.
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: Everyone just kind of starts to trickle home and they're getting back or I'm picking kids up and and that you have some really fun organic moment with those teenagers.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: And I also love I found it with the teens is the drives places.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: I don't know if you see that with your kids, but when we're in the car driving, that's when you can have some of the best conversations.
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: You can also have some really uncomfortable conversations.
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: Even for us it can be uncomfortable.
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: There's a lot of things to talk about with teenagers that we know they're being exposed to and we want to support them in making good choices because we're not always with them, we're not always there and we have to trust that.
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: We have instilled a kind of let them go and you have to know they're going to make mistakes.
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: You just have to hope and trust that they're not going to be any real huge mistakes, you know.
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: And so in the car yeah, we were no one has to make eye contact.
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: You can be driving and looking at the road ahead and they can as well, and that's where I've had lots of really great conversations with my kid and it's time with them.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: I love so much of what you just said in all of that.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: First of all, I could not agree with you more about this picture that has been painted around teenagers of just wait, it's going to be awful.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: I think it might be my favorite stage and I just I love so much of what starts to happen Having a 14 year old boy, just the sweet conversations and again you're still the parent.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: But there is this element of like you are a human who understands, who actually has some life experience, who can actually contribute value to the decision-making and the conversations and challenge me in a respectful and healthy way, and I feel like it calls me to be a better version of myself raising teenagers and they always say there's no age group on the planet that has a higher BS meter than teenagers, and so it really calls you to a level of having to be accountable to what you're asking them to do, to how you show up, to modeling behavior.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: Again, right, when we have more control in the earlier stages, we can do things like, say, because I'm the parent, and we could still, I guess, say that as as our kids are older, but it's exactly what you said.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: I love, love, love that you said I don't have control.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: I have influence, and influence comes by living that that stuff out with them.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: I think that is that is so good.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: And I also love something that I hear through everything that you're saying is kind of the heartbeat of the home is in the kitchen, and I just love that.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: I can relate to that so much too, and so even just thinking of all the young moms and dads that are listening and just rhythms that you can build into your days, we find ourselves, I think, so much as moms, naturally in the kitchen, right Kind of sun up to sun down it's where our kids tend to find us and just looking for ways to encourage your kids to pull up the bar stool and sit, or to chop this with me or help me cook this thing, or can I bake you some, some cookies, so that when you come home you're naturally wanting to come and sit at the kitchen instead of go up to your room to decompress.
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: And then I love that that late night and I think too, you talked about how in your early kid ages, you really prioritize sleep.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: So I have found in my life that now it is this total 180 of my kids are tucking me into bed and having to figure out.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: I was talking to another friend that was like when you get to this stage you have to basically pray for the energy to show up in those 10 to 1 am hours.
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: When you're done, I mean we're getting older, we're doing all of the perimenopause, menopause stuff, our bodies are like crashed, but yet we're having to show up in this new hours of the day because that's when our kids come to life.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: Have you really seen that a lot of good stuff happens in those late hours?
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: oh my gosh, I we have a king-size bed and I feel like we have kids in it more now than we did.
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: We didn't co-sleep.
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: I'm like that's why we had five kids in six years.
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: But I'm like now the teenagers, it's like, yeah, and they have, like they want to talk about everything.
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: And I'm like faces are washed, my husband and I are tucked in and we're like are you actually, are you serious, are you kidding?
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: But it's like also, you know, you just put a smile on it, you kind of giggle because they are so funny and I don't know what comes out of them at that time and I don't know if there's a hormone shift in teens at 10 pm.
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: But yeah, they're silly and stories come out and you learn a lot of great things that maybe they wouldn't share with you at other times.
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: But yeah, my sleep.
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: I always say to them I'm like you're disturbing my sleep, what?
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: Because it's like, and they're cooking again and then they're in the kitchen and I'm like, oh, my goodness, you guys need to go to bed and we're just coming up to summer holidays.
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: That will be more of a challenge when we don't have school in the morning.
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: They're pretty good at getting to bed on their school nights.
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: But I'm with you.
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: It's like you kind of take it when you can a bit right.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we had a therapist on back in June and she said it's like an elevator door.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: When your teens want to talk to you, the elevator door opens and you know how close, how fast that elevator door can close sometimes.
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: And if you don't step into that conversation at that moment when the elevator door opens, you have no idea when that door is going to open again.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: And so just being able to to be okay, to say yes, I am going to lean into this in this stage.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: So how are you, with five kids, all now dealing with bigger stuff?
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: Now, it's not just like I can't find my shoes, it's I have to choose where to go to college.
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: I have a relationship issue.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: I'm having this anxiety or my own stuff going on.
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: How do you as a mom, manage to tend to the needs of all five of your children and what does that look like day to day?
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: Are you really parenting kind of as a whole, or do you have some strategies where you're able to get with each of your kids, to check in with them?
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: You know, I think, first of all, they're all.
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: They're all different and they all have been right from very little.
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think the biggest indicator for me on that was when I had twins and they were right.
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: They were.
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: I'm like immediately you could tell a difference in their need and how they, how they asked for their need to be met.
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: They were, they were different.
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: And so as they've grown yeah, I think, just fine time and again I go back to my parents.
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: My parents have obviously a ton of influence on me and and in my parenting and my mom's, like you're only as happy as your least happiest child, right.
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: And so sometimes it comes, it's like you just feel like everything's good and then something else pops up.
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: When there's five of them, there's always something with someone and so, yeah, I take it again day by day, and who, whose need need me at that time most.
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: There's seasons for it all and for each one of them, different stages and phases, and thankfully I'm not parenting on my own.
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: I've got a really amazing husband and we are together 100% parenting these kids, and so we both have different strengths and we they both have different things that the kids will come to us for.
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I feel like it's day to day and it's kind of taking it in stride and just being aware and trying to be very in tune with your children and to know them each and who's needing you at different times.
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: Now, the other side of having five kids and there's only the two of us, they also have each other and I think that is a really, really special component about having a really big family.
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: I grew up with a brother and I always thought that was like so lame.
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: I knew at four years old I wanted to be a mom and I wanted a really big family and I wanted to be a ballerina.
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: The ballerina thing didn't come through but I yeah.
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: So we've got this huge family and they really neat to see and they all, they all offer different things to each other and they have got some really strong connections and it's neat to see who connects with who and there's a lot of bedtime like again, phones are getting handed in and I have one son that always my we have three on the same floor is asking them.
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: The older boys are in the basement and my one son when hands his phone and it's always handed in late because they hand in their phones at night and as he's going he always ends up stopping in his sister's room and then they have this bedtime conversation and it's just like you know, they're all taking care of each other too, which is pretty special.
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: It's pretty special.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that almost makes me emotional, okay, so let's, let's jump, because you brought it up.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: I think it's every single parent and something that I think in every one of the 12 interviews over the summer I could bring up, because it's great to hear from so many different parents at so many different stages.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: You mentioned the turning their phones in at night.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: What in this crazy, crazy world that we're living in and I was just saying to somebody else, like I think we are the first, the first generation of parents that raised our teens entirely on devices, probably 10 years ago, is when that kind of became a theme and not knowing at the time when we had the initial androids or whatever that, what that would evolve into, that it would be this thing that we're so attached to.
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: So I feel, like our generation, we have to give ourselves some grace because we were figuring it out how to manage ourselves, how to manage your kids.
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: What are things that you guys have kind of established in your home as your technology rules, or do you feel like it's really evolving as you?
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: go.
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: You know, I, none of our kids really got phones before grade eight.
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: I mean our youngest just before grade eight.
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: I mean our youngest just got a phone a few months ago.
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: He had like an old phone in the last year or so but not with a number and everything, and I put off getting data until which is hard to do but also they make it tricky to like not get data.
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: I'm like I don't want them to have data so kind of once they turn.
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: 16 is when I, my older boys were 18 till they got data and I just got.
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: Our twins are 16.
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: They got data just this last few months because I was like, as they start driving and to have we live in a bigger city to have maps, so I was like, okay, but I think the longer you can put off from having a phone, the longer you can put off social media.
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: The longer you can put off off having a phone with data, the better.
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: Everyone's phone gets handed in in the evening and I also don't want them to be on them immediately when they get up Because if the first thing they have that hit of dopamine is immediately from their phone, they're going to be craving it all day and I see different children affected in my household out of five, affected differently by social media and wanting their phone more.
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: Certain ones want it more than others.
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: My oldest is 20.
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: He has his own phone.
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: My second oldest is about to graduate from grade 12 in two weeks and will have his own.
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: It's almost like you slowly release them, having that choice and that control over it, because we have trouble as adults.
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: I've started charging my phone, not on my bedside table, but charging it in my bathroom with the alarm so that I have to get up out of bed to get my phone.
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: I've also, when I go to the gym, my phone goes in the locker.
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: I watch and then when I'm at the gym, there's so many young people and their head, their tip, then they're on their phone the whole time and it's just.
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: There's a mental health epidemic, there is anxiety issues and I believe so much of it we can put on smartphones and on social media and I feel like it really I feel very strongly about this.
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: It's we're seeing kids given them younger and younger and younger.
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: I didn't let anyone take their phone with them to school in elementary school ever, Because I'm like what do you need it for If something happens, the school will phone me or you can call me from the school if you need to, if you're going to go to Billy's or get to Billy's house and then phone me from Billy's house right, the high school kids do.
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: But I've had times where I'm like you're really having trouble.
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: You're having trouble regulating the use of your phone.
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: It's affecting your schoolwork.
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: If I have teachers message me, I was like so you know what?
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: For the mornings now you're not going to take your phone to school because it's a problem in biology class and they're mad and they're not happy.
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: But I think here's the other key thing with teens is my job is to love them fiercely and keep them safe.
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: It is not to be their best friend and make them happy all the time.
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: And I see so many parents looking at their teens and wanting to be BFFs with him.
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: When I see people post that my BFF, I think, oh, the pressure you're putting on your child.
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: That's not their job.
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: Our job is to be even though I am 48 years old and my mom is in her seventies and she is next to my husband the closest her and my dad are the closest human beings adult.
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: It's not a friend.
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: It's a different than a friendship.
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: It's very deep but it's a little different and so it's a lot closer to that friendship than it would have been when I was a teenager, but it's still different.
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: I think that's really key with teens.
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: We separate that and we're not worried about them liking us because and that's the same with our toddlers and our kids and that's where it starts and that's where the control flash influence of teenagers starts is if you know every time like if your toddler doesn't want their seatbelt on up, you don't say, well, okay, then we're not going to do up your seatbelt.
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: That's not keeping them safe and they're not always going to be happy with the things and the restrictions we give them.
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: But that's part of our job and that's on me to process being worried about them not liking me, not then saying giving into it and just giving them everything they want, Because they don't have the same impulse control that someone with a fully developed brain does, and that's part of being a teen.
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's developmentally studied, we know this, and so that's part of our job is to help them with that.
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: And they're not always going to be happy with us and that's hard, that's really hard.
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure.
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: I know for me with my kids, when me and my husband have had to lay down laws or there have been things that we've said that did not go over well, you know, didn't fit within the realm of what that child wanted or what they thought was best, but having to be able to say we love you, we need you, to trust us.
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: You know, these are those coaching years, when the book that we're using for this series that 12 to 18, it is coaching and I have had my kids that have coaches that they really love and admire and they trust, even when they don't like the decision.
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: I think about my daughter who's in college and has a coach who the level of trust that she has with that coach because there's been investment in relationship, there has been boundaries, there's been guardrails, there's set up expectations that there is a level of trust that says, even though I don't maybe understand or agree with the decision you're making, I trust you enough to go along and be a hundred percent bought in.
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: And I think when we can offer that security in these stages because in the early stages we created the discipline, we had the guardrails, we set up clear parameters, we were clear and concise in how we spoke and we chose to encourage and edify over demeaning and speaking evil and death and hatred over which it's so easy to fall into.
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: That when you're overwhelmed, my prayer and I think any person that's raising kids at this age would say I want that's what I want out of these coaching years.
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: I want my kids to have an established relationship of trust and safety and track record that, even when I don't agree and even if I throw a little bit of a temper tantrum.
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: I believe to my core and I'm sure there is a lot of research to back it up that that kind of structure actually is the thing that creates security for our kids, that they actually crave it, the same way that they say the best gift you can give to your kids is to have a strong marriage.
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: Right, yeah, they want you to have a strong marriage more than they want you to be their best friend.
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: They want you to set up parameters more than they want you to be.
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: It's always fun when the other person's mom is the cool mom, the party mom.
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: I don't think our kids really want us to be that.
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: I think they want us to, of course, have fun with them, but I think our kids find security in structure and tough love.
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: You mentioned your son going into his sister's room and all these precious things, and it's an interesting thing for me as well.
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you can relate almost a little bit as they start to become really good friends.
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: I can almost catch myself sometimes being almost a little bit jealous of these little friendships that are developing between them.
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: And now I'm on the outside and I have to kind of check myself and go, oh, shoot, but also, isn't that what I absolutely, absolutely want?
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: I want my kids to have a bond that when they don't live in my house, that they still get together and they still do things and they still have the private text message thread that maybe just the three of them communicate in, because ultimately we pray that they way outlive us.
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: But what is that relationship within those five kids look like?
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: Is there at this stage now?
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: Is it a lot of just it's kind of like a team atmosphere, we're all in this together, or is there still a lot of World War III, with that much hormone in your home with five kids?
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: That gave me goosebumps, talking about the bond that they have together, because I think, as a mom, you're right.
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: That's exactly what we want when they're grown up is to just, I want them to be best friends Not my best friend, I want them to be best friends World War III.
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: It's funny because now, of course, as they get older, like stories come out of things they did when like oh, when you and dad would go out and we were being babysat, and the stories that have come out and I'm like, oh my gosh, because I was like for really fun, a lot like, and I had a friend, her mom.
• 36:32
  Speaker 2: It was a good friend of my mom growing up and she had four or five kids as well and his mom said little kids are like puppies and when it's siblings, you kind of gotta just let them wrestle around and nip at each other.
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: And until there was major like where I had to step in, it's like let's kind of that's who they're supposed to learn how to have conflict resolution with is with their siblings right away.
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: Right, and there's sometimes there's age differences and stuff, but it's so neat to see the relationship.
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: So there's definitely certain kids and I find the ones that are closer in age are the ones that have more of the conflict.
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, my and COVID.
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: Actually, we were locked down pretty, pretty tight where I live for quite a while and my oldest was in grade 11 at the time and my youngest was in grade four, and my youngest would have kept it like that forever, because he spent weeks playing Lego with his oldest brother.
• 37:22
  Speaker 2: They realized how much in common and how similar they are, even though they're the furthest apart in age, and I feel like they're usually the two that will have the least amount of time together growing up.
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: Right, because that oldest kind of leaves and the youngest is still just starting high school.
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: So we've had some really great opportunity.
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: I try to find the silver lining in everything and, like that time, I feel like I just had to look at it as a gift.
• 37:42
  Speaker 2: It was sucked and was awful, but our kids got to bond and it was there.
• 37:48
  Speaker 2: I said there's families who have one sibling or they're an only child and they are stuck at home all by themselves.
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: You guys at least have each other.
• 37:55
  Speaker 2: We did board games, we did all kinds of activities and so, yeah, the fight too bad.
• 37:59
  Speaker 2: They're pretty good at, I think, keeping it away from me because they know that mom doesn't want to have any of that.
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: But there is definitely.
• 38:06
  Speaker 2: I've heard of the World War III's that have happened when I was not in the house.
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: But I think that's also a really natural part of growing up.
• 38:15
  Speaker 2: And my youngest said to me the other night we were talking he's like I think it's good to have an older brother.
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: When you're doing something, that's not very nice or it's kind of like a stupid choice that they're going to give you a little smack on the side of the head and tell you to smarten up, where your mom might not do that.
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: But he said when an older sibling does that, he said it also influences you to make better choices.
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: And it was me and this is like a 13 year old who has four older siblings right To say that it's interesting to see the dynamics.
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: I would agree.
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: We are at the place.
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: We're up at the lake for the summer and my oldest is home from college and we were just saying our middle daughter is not here with us for the first month, but then we'll be here for the second two months, and we were just having this conversation the other day that this is the first time ever in their lives that the oldest and the youngest have been together alone.
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: Because you do, you have these different situations where at first it's the oldest alone and then the second comes and it's those two alone and then the oldest leaves, so the second and the third are alone.
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: And just how it's cool when you get these and I know you're going to experience it too, sending your son off to university as gut wrenching and that's a whole nother conversation, as that was to let my child go and have it go against everything in my DNA when you're walking away from a child, leaving them at college, when everything in you wants to run to them, but then watching how some of the dynamics shifted and how it allowed the second to really take some leadership roles and to just how then the relationship of the second and the third kind of morphed into something really precious.
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: I really believe that the Lord has such a plan, and how all of the leaving the nest goes and as hard as some of the stages are, how beautiful it is to watch and just see the relationships that develop between different kids at different times is just really special.
• 40:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and the other thing that's come to mind.
• 40:06
  Speaker 2: So this is my second son leaving.
• 40:08
  Speaker 2: He'll be gone for only about three or four months.
• 40:10
  Speaker 2: He's not leaving to school, he's leaving for football and he'll be about five or six hours away and he's with family.
• 40:16
  Speaker 2: I'm really excited for him.
• 40:17
  Speaker 2: But I think what he doesn't realize is he's the one leaving.
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: But I'm like you do know that that affects other people too, because we were going to have a meeting with his coaches and drove out there and his sister wanted to come and he's like oh, why did you need to come?
• 40:31
  Speaker 2: Like why can't it just be us?
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: And I was like and this is the two that end up talking at nighttime together.
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: Always I said you do realize you leaving is about you.
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: You're going, you're leaving, it's exciting.
• 40:42
  Speaker 2: But I said you are leaving us and I said so for me as a mom, you're the first one leaving.
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: That's hard on me.
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: I'm excited for you, but I'm like, I'm sad and I'm nervous and it's just a change.
• 40:51
  Speaker 2: I said, but it is for your sister too.
• 40:54
  Speaker 2: You guys are really close.
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: And so I said you need to also have some perspective on that.
• 40:58
  Speaker 2: And it's like oh, and teens often aren't able to look outside of themselves.
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: They're still very me focused.
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: I mean, as they get older that shifts, but it is, and to give them that perspective is like oh like.
• 41:12
  Speaker 2: You have a big impact on a lot of people and they each do with each other in different ways.
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: It's really special.
• 41:17
  Speaker 2: I'm excited.
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: I'm actually more excited for him than I am sad.
• 41:20
  Speaker 2: I feel very safe about where he's going to, but I know he's going to thrive.
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: And it's a natural process and we need to be excited.
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: And it goes back to what you said about I don't want my kids to be my best friend.
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: I don't want any of my kids thoughts to be is mom okay now that I'm gone and have any of that pressure for them to go and flourish and for them to go and pursue all of their things?
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: Because they're thinking, well, if mom's my, if she's my best friend and she always says I'm her best friend, then she's got to be lonely.
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: I want this to be a stage that my kids see me thriving, that they see me trying new things, starting a podcast, taking pottery classes, falling more and more in love with their dad, so that they know mom and dad are okay and they want us to go.
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: But I have kind of named this stage excruciatingly beautiful.
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: It's an excruciatingly beautiful stage because there is so much letting go and so much of releasing control and trying not to stock the apps to make sure that they made it home and all the things, but also just this beautiful launching into all the things that we ultimately wanted since the day they were born.
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: So real quickly, to kind of wrap this up, talk to me just a little bit because, again, all of our listeners are at different stages, different situations.
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: We have single parents, we have married, we have marriages that are thriving.
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: We have marriages that are on the brink of not making it.
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: What would you say?
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: You've mentioned that your husband is an equal partner and that you guys really have raised these kids together, which is a gift.
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: I can say the same, and I know that that isn't the case for a lot, but what would you say in all of these stages are things when you have five kids it doesn't matter if you have one, but, man, you have five.
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: There is a lot going on.
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: What have you guys done to protect your marriage and to maintain that relationship in the midst of all of the craziness as you're raising these kids, so that when you get to the end of this in five, six years and there's not kids at home that you still are really excited to be doing this next stage of life, this next chapter, with your husband?
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: I love this question.
• 43:26
  Speaker 2: You know, very, very early on as a mom, my mom said to me she's like you, she goes, you need to make sure you have time together because you're so busy with your careers and with raising these kids and you're like crossing paths but ships in the night, she said, all of a sudden you can look at each other and that youngest one is 18 and you don't even know who each other are.
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: And I read in a book very early on, before I had had my oldest.
• 43:51
  Speaker 2: I talked about the biggest gift you can give your kids is to have a really strong marriage, and that hit me hard because I 100% agreed with that.
• 43:58
  Speaker 2: That is talk about security, and when we talk about our keeping our kids safe, part of that is that's what kids need is to feel secure, and so having that to fall back into that safe nest, to fall back into whether they're four or 22, right, is huge.
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: I remember the twins would have been about a year old.
• 44:18
  Speaker 2: I was, you know, really, really busy building my business.
• 44:23
  Speaker 2: My husband was working full time.
• 44:25
  Speaker 2: We hadn't had our youngest yet.
• 44:28
  Speaker 2: I had advice from a mentor, an older friend, to say you need to start doing a weekly date night and so I was like, okay, and the first date night we sat down, we went out for dinner and he said to me so how was Oklahoma?
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: And I had been to Oklahoma six weeks prior and it was such a clear like we need to be doing this and so we found I always tell people you need to find your Jenna and so Jenna was.
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: She was 14 when our oldest was one, so she was like a young teenager and she started babysitting.
• 45:01
  Speaker 2: As we added kids, she started babysitting.
• 45:03
  Speaker 2: So by the time when we had our youngest she was like in in university, becoming a teacher.
• 45:08
  Speaker 2: She was 20 years old.
• 45:09
  Speaker 2: Every Tuesday night at five o'clock she would show up and we would like run out the door.
• 45:15
  Speaker 2: We would go out for dinner, go to a movie, but it doesn't have to cost a lot and you can find.
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: You can do a swap with someone if you really need to, and do it twice a month, swap with another couple so that you know if cost is an issue.
• 45:26
  Speaker 2: But we went out and we would go to a movie and we would go for walks and we would go for drive and it was the hand down best thing we ever did, because he's my best friend and it gave us a chance to talk about everything from kids to our dreams, to what we wanted to be doing, you know goal.
• 45:48
  Speaker 2: And then, as the kids got older our oldest, he started babysitting like he would have been 10 and he had.
• 45:54
  Speaker 2: The youngest would have been like three, so no diapers, but my daughter would have taken care Like she was like.
• 45:59
  Speaker 2: I know Jackson is like babysitting, but can I be in charge?
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: And she's like three years younger, right, so it's like they ran the show together.
• 46:07
  Speaker 2: We would start with just we're just going to go to a local, like it's five minutes away, we're going to go for an hour.
• 46:12
  Speaker 2: And we started and that's where we also started giving them that independence of caring for each other too.
• 46:17
  Speaker 2: But we still utilize Jenna.
• 46:19
  Speaker 2: We would have trips where Brent and I would go be gone for four days.
• 46:22
  Speaker 2: She's like almost like an older sister to them.
• 46:25
  Speaker 2: It makes me emotional because it was such a gift and a gift to my kids.
• 46:29
  Speaker 2: This is the other thing that I think it's really important for your kids to be safe staying with someone else other than a family member and a high school student.
• 46:37
  Speaker 2: They are usually fantastic.
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: They're going to play with the kids.
• 46:41
  Speaker 2: They're going to be involved with them and if you can find a great neighborhood high school student to give you some child care in the evening, it's huge for your kid to be taken care of by someone that is a youth and not a family member.
• 46:55
  Speaker 2: I think that.
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: I think that's also really important as, as you raise your kids too and that was the biggest one and then just communicating and going for walks, and he actually ended up being home, we have both worked from home for, I think, 11 years and people like, oh my gosh, I don't know how you do that.
• 47:17
  Speaker 2: I would like how do you?
• 47:20
  Speaker 2: What do you do all day?
• 47:21
  Speaker 2: I'm like, well, we don't sit and hold hands and drink coffee and stare into each other's eyes all day, like we're both busy.
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: But I said what I've realized as I said, I not only love him very deeply, but I really like him and we're really good friends and I think having that, having that base of a really solid friendship, don't be best friends with your kids, be best friends with your spouse.
• 47:40
  Speaker 1: Yes, yes, that is the takeaway for sure.
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: Invest there.
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: And if it's not in a place where you feel like you're friends at all, I encourage you to start taking the steps, because a lot of people will say, well, I'll start taking those steps when the kids don't need me.
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: I'm all about preventative, and if you notice a hole in that, go to counseling, seek help.
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: Do the date night and start to see just when you it's like anything, when there's gaps of time in anything that you're doing, when you know you love going to the gym, and then you miss a week and you're like I don't want to go back.
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: It's crazy how the emotion attached to anything in life can change when there's not a constant, regular investment in it, and the marriage has to be that.
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: And so, anique, before we sign off, is there like just one word of encouragement that you would give to a mama that's listening?
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: Maybe she is just at her wits end.
• 48:29
  Speaker 1: She feels a little bit lost and lonely and, in a pit of I don't even know who I am anymore.
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: What would you just say to, maybe, a younger mom or a mom that's in the throes of just hardship with some of these older kids, as just a little bit of encouragement, yeah.
• 48:47
  Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing is just to breathe.
• 48:49
  Speaker 2: To breathe and know that, like, take it one day at a time and take care of you.
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: If you're feeling like you're really, really struggling, I am telling you there are a million other moms having really, really great mom friends.
• 49:05
  Speaker 2: As I grew up and raised my kids and I grew up in motherhood, having that support system and that community around you is massive.
• 49:13
  Speaker 2: So lean into that and don't be afraid to take care of yourself.
• 49:17
  Speaker 2: There's nothing like having, you know, an afternoon where you get to go and just go for a pedicure and then go out for tea with a friend.
• 49:25
  Speaker 2: You come back so refreshed, and so I think it's making sure that you're also taking care of yourself and that this, too, shall pass.
• 49:34
  Speaker 2: We have those hard days in life and in motherhood, and we can only have the really, really high highs in life.
• 49:42
  Speaker 2: There's going to be really, really hard times.
• 49:44
  Speaker 2: That's life, that's part of life, that's part of parenting, that's part of marriage, and to know that you can handle.
• 49:50
  Speaker 2: There's nothing you can't handle.
• 49:51
  Speaker 2: My dad that was the best thing he ever taught me that you're going to have really hard things in life that you have to deal with, and it's usually when I was in the middle of something that I thought was catastrophic.
• 49:59
  Speaker 2: Now you look back and you're like, oh my gosh, it was such a small thing.
• 50:01
  Speaker 2: But when you're in the middle of it it's all relative and you need to tell yourself.
• 50:05
  Speaker 2: He would say to me he's like there is nothing that you can't handle.
• 50:09
  Speaker 2: And I think if we have that inner knowing that there's going to be hard things, we can do hard things and this too shall pass.
• 50:17
  Speaker 2: You can get through anything, not always easy.
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: And a bad day doesn't equal a bad life, right I?
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: Love that statement of especially, I think, in the throes of motherhood it just feels so all encompassing.
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: And that's where I think what you said about being okay to take that hour to go get tea with a friend, or you almost sometimes have to remove yourself from the role to be able to have new perspective.
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: I think when you're stuck in it and it's 24, seven and there's no, there's no breaks, there's no relief, you, you do.
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: It's easy to lose perspective.
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: And just getting away for an hour taking the walk, going to coffee with a friend, it does, it gives you a new perspective.
• 50:55
  Speaker 1: And so to all of you, mamas and dads we know that there's a lot of dads that listen and that have equal weight in this blessing and rollercoaster of raising a family.
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: It's not for the faint of heart, but it is by far the most rewarding thing that we do in our lives.
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: And so thank you, Anique, for being here.
• 51:13
  Speaker 1: Thanks for giving us a little glimpse.
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: I kind of want you guys to have like an HGTV TV series.
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: I feel like I would absolutely tune in.
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: I think it could be pretty epic.
• 51:21
  Speaker 1: I just appreciate you giving us this time and to all of you listening, if you are enjoying what you're hearing here on the podcast, we would love for you to go.
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: Leave us a review wherever you listen.
• 51:32
  Speaker 1: That is how we get into the algorithm, and other moms, other people who are passionate about cultivating strong families, find us.
• 51:39
  Speaker 1: So thanks for being here for another week.
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: Again, Anique, thank you so much for being with us Until next week.
• 51:45
  Speaker 1: Friends take care.