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Helping your Child Survive Middle School Drama · Talking FACS

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  Welcome to Talking FACS, what you need to know about family,
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  food, finance, and fitness.
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  This nationally recognized, award-winning podcast is hosted by the University
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  of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals, families,
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  and communities to improve quality of life.
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  Any parent of preteens or those who have survived the preteen years will tell
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  you that the middle school years can be fraught with drama.
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  You are listening to Talking FACS and we are here to share research-based
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  information that you can use to strengthen your family, your community, and our state.
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  I am your host, Mindy McCulley, Extension Specialist for Instructional Support
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  with Family and Consumer Sciences Extension.
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  My guest today is Dr. Kerri Ashurst, our Senior Extension Specialist for Family
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  and Relationship Development.
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  And I don't know about you, Kerri but I remember my teenage years as being
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  years filled with drama.
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  And the daily reality for our youth probably can be pretty overwhelming.
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  Yes. So as we think about this sudden drama that they are experiencing,
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  what are the ripple effects that we're seeing that the drama is impacting other areas of their life?
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  You know, it's just like anything I think with our lives where when we have
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  something bad happen in one aspect of our lives, It can certainly pour over
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  into all the rest of our day, our week, anything.
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  And, you know, those ripple effects can be huge. And every day can certainly
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  bring new challenges for our youth.
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  They're trying to figure out how to do everything, do it all through their teenage years, you know.
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  And it's funny what you said, because I'm a parent of a teenager right now myself,
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  and I sometimes feel overwhelmed with her struggles.
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  I want so badly to help, and I'm a fixer by nature, but I want to try to solve
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  sometimes and make things less hard and less overwhelming for her,
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  because sometimes it just feels like it's so much.
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  But I also know that I need to help her to solve her own problems and her drama along the way.
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  Well, and we do want to help, but we also have to let them figure it out for
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  themselves. So how do you help your child navigate that teen drama?
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  And are there strategies that parents can adopt to make this time more peaceful for everybody?
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  I'll tell you what, I think my answer to that can change daily sometimes.
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  Since I love it right now.
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  But, you know, I think depending on how close you are to the drama, right?
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  There are several really critical ways, though, that I think we can help the
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  most as adults and parents in our teenagers' lives.
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  The single most important one of all is just actively listening.
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  You know, we can consider ourselves very lucky people if there's a teenager
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  who we know, be it our own child or someone else's child, who trusts us enough,
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  to share details about their personal lives with us, especially during those teenage years.
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  And so when a teenager opens up about their feelings and shares anything difficult
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  they're going through, as I said before, I know I'm kind of a fixer myself and
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  a lot of people are like me. We feel like we need to offer solutions or maybe
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  even wisdom from our own past.
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  And that's not necessarily a bad thing at all, but sometimes just simply listening.
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  With total patience and empathy and acknowledging how they feel and very little
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  else can sometimes really make the difference. Telling them we're sorry that
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  we're going through this difficult thing and validating that with affirming
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  words and not condemning.
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  You know, not ever saying, oh, that's not a big deal or, you know,
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  something like that, that we try not to interject our own opinions or suggestions.
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  We just simply are listening actively and engaged with them.
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  And that can be so difficult because we also have a thousand different things
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  that are pulling our attention.
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  And so giving them that undivided attention can be tricky.
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  But when we're fully present with them, that really validates their emotions.
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  It validates their experience. And it gives them the opportunity to recognize
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  that what they're going through is important. It's important to them.
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  And it's a sure, you know, it's definitely a great way to nurture that relationship,
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  whether it's with your own teenager or with, you know, one that lives next door
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  or your grandchild or whatever that teenager might be.
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  So what are other ideas that parents can consider when their teenager is dealing
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  with drama? Oh, we can just sit in the bus with them.
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  You know, I don't even know how else to word it. We can just sit in it with them.
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  And you know we might have some really strong feelings and boy I know I have
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  sometimes about some things that my daughter has shared with me we might feel some big emotions,
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  shocked by something they're sharing with us or even offended angry or hurt,
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  by something that's going on with them or involving someone else and we may
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  even find some of it a little bit silly or ridiculous you know.
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  We have life experience, and we know that something that they are going through
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  is probably pretty minor in the larger scheme of life as you get older.
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  But for a teenager, it might be their first time to feel this or go through it.
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  And so, for example, you know, it might be the first time they've ever experienced
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  a breakup of a relationship, or it might be their first time to get an F on
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  a test or not make a sports team that they really, really, really wanted to be a part of.
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  And so we just have to remember that it's not about us.
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  It's about the teenager that's going through it at the time and what they are
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  experiencing and feeling. And we're just trying to be in the moment with them.
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  It's really hard to take the eye out of it, right? It is.
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  But these are great suggestions. And so when their world is spiraling out of
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  control, we really need to be the rock.
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  And we need to be that anchor that they can count on and they know that we are
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  gonna be steady and reliable.
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  And if we interrupt them with what we're thinking about or how we dealt with
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  it or how we, what we experienced, then it really kind of minimizes their experience and we can't do that.
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  We really have to give them the opportunity to get it out, be in their moment.
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  It's not, like you said, it's not our moment.
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  Well, and I don't know if you're like me, Mindy. Oftentimes when somebody is
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  sharing an experience, I want to jump right in with, oh, yes,
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  I've had a similar experience or, oh, I don't know how you feel.
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  And it's not me trying to take over the conversation or interrupting.
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  It's me trying to empathize. But I can see sometimes how people would say,
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  oh, well, this was about me and you just made it about you.
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  You know, so I try to remember that sometimes, especially with my teenager and
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  other teenagers that I work with that,
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  I, you know, sometimes just need to sit there and even when silences are a little
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  bit uncomfortable, just be present with them and try to be a listener more so than a talker.
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  And then I just want to offer help and be there for the teen.
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  But give them control, ultimately. Let them still have the reins.
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  You know, this is their drama to resolve.
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  And unless the person is at risk for harm or life is in danger,
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  one of our biggest goals, I think, as a caring adult in their lives is to help
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  to teach problem-solving skills.
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  Because that's how they can eventually manage life on their own as adults.
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  And so, you know, we want to give them wings, right? And we can help them to develop,
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  coping mechanisms, even when we want to jump in there, maybe with a solution,
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  when we can help them to work toward that themselves, then we can help them
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  with whatever life is going to throw at them in the future in healthy ways.
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  So, Kerri, do you have some tips for us as we sit there with a cup of hot chocolate
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  with them? What else can we do?
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  Well, one of the things that I like to try to practice with a lot of the youth
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  I work with is just simply asking the question, how can I help you through this?
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  Instead of just making an assumption myself of what I might be able to say,
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  do I say, how can I help you?
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  And I ask them what they need.
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  And then this one is, I think, the very hardest one of all for me,
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  Mindy, is if a teen's not ready to talk any further about something, that's okay.
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  No, even when we want to push a little bit because we know it might be best
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  for them in the long run, they might just not be ready.
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  And we can simply tell them, hey, we're available and ready to listen whenever
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  you are ready and let them know that we're there.
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  And then finally, just helping to offer to think through solutions.
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  Let's talk through some different solutions you might have for this problem
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  and see what the choices are available for resolution and then help them to
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  ultimately think through possibilities and take control of their decision and
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  arrive at the best resolution themselves.
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  Kerri, I thank you for sharing these ideas because I really do think that helping
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  our children navigate drama
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  is probably one of the single most important skills that we can give them because
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  drama comes in all forms and it doesn't stop when teenage years end.
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  It continues. And so we just have to learn to navigate that and keep our head above the water. Right.
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  So as we learn to navigate these periods in life when it just gets a little bit messy,
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  we are not only helping them learn how to handle,
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  these really dramatic moments, but we're also helping them just really learn
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  how to handle difficult times that will come their way throughout their lives. So true.
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  I think that this is a wonderful, wonderful conversation that we've had,
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  and I appreciate you for taking the time to share with us.
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  Thank you. If you are just tuning in, you're listening to Talking FACS,
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  and we're available wherever you listen to your favorite podcast.
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  Thank you for listening to Talking FACS We deliver programs focusing on nutrition,
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  health, resource management, family development, and civic engagement.
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  leave a like and a comment on Facebook at UKFCSEXT.
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  Visit us online at fcs.uky.edu to learn more about the University of Kentucky
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