Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #655 Grandparents Gone Wild

Transcript

#655 Grandparents Gone Wild · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
0:07
Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers Now. They've
0:10
Speaker 2: done it, they don't need to do it anymore. But
0:12
Speaker 2: there is so much love in that room for your
0:14
Speaker 2: children creating that beautiful village.
0:17
Speaker 1: And I think that if we can.
0:18
Speaker 2: Take that perspective, that we can pretty much just about
0:22
Speaker 2: deal with any of it.
0:24
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
0:27
Speaker 1: and Dad. I love, I love I love when we
0:30
Speaker 1: get questions like the one we're going to answer on
0:31
Speaker 1: today's podcast, Kylie, because I've actually got an opinion about
0:34
Speaker 1: it and I'm excited for it. So I'm going to
0:37
Speaker 1: dive straight in. Let's not beat around the bush. It's
0:39
Speaker 1: getting close to Christmas. People are in a hurry. They
0:41
Speaker 1: just want stuff done. This is the Happy Families podcast,
0:43
Speaker 1: the podcast for the time poor parent who just wants
0:45
Speaker 1: answers now. So here is the question that we've received
0:48
Speaker 1: from an anonymous poster through podcasts at Happy Families dot
0:52
Speaker 1: com dot au. This person says, struggling with balancing family
0:57
Speaker 1: values and routines with visiting grandparents who have different ideas.
1:00
Speaker 1: I mean, this is such a perfect Christmas question. Isn't
1:02
Speaker 1: it like everyone knows that we're going to catch up
1:05
Speaker 1: with grandparents and the grandparents aregain Maybe.
1:06
Speaker 2: It's not the grandparents, Maybe it's auntists and uncles.
1:08
Speaker 1: It could be any family member, the big brother or
1:11
Speaker 1: a big sister, or the step It doesn't matter. Somebody's
1:13
Speaker 1: going to come in and say, yeah, don't really care
1:15
Speaker 1: what your rules are. We're going to do it my
1:16
Speaker 1: way for Christmas, or for the weekend, or for the
1:19
Speaker 1: catch up. So here's the specific detail in this question.
1:22
Speaker 1: We want our daughter to have a great time, especially
1:25
Speaker 1: as my parents don't live locally and so their time
1:28
Speaker 1: together is limited. But when they swoop in for weeks
1:32
Speaker 1: and throw the world into chaos, it becomes a problem.
1:35
Speaker 1: They organize stuff to do without consideration for what else
1:38
Speaker 1: is going on, and throw money at the situation. So
1:41
Speaker 1: of course they'll turn a seven year old's head. And
1:43
Speaker 1: while the jokes about grandparents being able to hog kids
1:45
Speaker 1: up on sugar and send them back might be funny,
1:48
Speaker 1: reality is somewhat different, as where the one having to
1:51
Speaker 1: deal with the naked kid who was out of routine.
1:53
Speaker 1: For example, on Saturday they had a grand day out.
1:56
Speaker 1: We were fine letting bedtime slide, but they didn't give
1:58
Speaker 1: her lunch or dinner. Let us scoff popcorn and ice cream,
2:02
Speaker 1: not even so much as macas we want their limited
2:04
Speaker 1: memories to be great, and even my limited time with
2:07
Speaker 1: aging parents to be as positive as possible. But the
2:10
Speaker 1: lack of respect is becoming an issue, and expecting my
2:13
Speaker 1: wife to suck it up and stay quiet while her
2:15
Speaker 1: world is turned on its head isn't fair either. My
2:18
Speaker 1: wife's mum, who lives locally and is an integral part
2:21
Speaker 1: of our daughter's life, is totally on the same page.
2:23
Speaker 1: She does the fun stuff and ben's a rule or two,
2:25
Speaker 1: but always within the same culture and values we try
2:28
Speaker 1: to foster. So here's a dad who's he's really just
2:31
Speaker 1: saying the no, no, my parents. My parents have come
2:34
Speaker 1: in and they just keep on turning our kids world
2:36
Speaker 1: upside down and inside.
2:38
Speaker 2: So it's not kids world upside but it's actually he's actually.
2:41
Speaker 1: With dad's world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know all about this. Well,
2:45
Speaker 1: we have. We have literally lived this for the last
2:49
Speaker 1: I'm just counting like twenty twenty three years, twenty four years,
2:53
Speaker 1: and so for our anonymous messenger, we we understand completely.
2:58
Speaker 1: So the first thing that I want to jump in with.
3:00
Speaker 1: I know you've got a lot to say, but I
3:02
Speaker 1: just want to jump in and highlight there's a reason
3:04
Speaker 1: that it's different for the mother in law who's just
3:07
Speaker 1: around the corner and who is an integral part of
3:09
Speaker 1: the kids' lives, and the parents who are swooping in
3:13
Speaker 1: for a week or two at a time then disappearing.
3:15
Speaker 1: When you're part of someone's life, you don't feel like
3:18
Speaker 1: you have to go and do all the crazy stuff,
3:19
Speaker 1: do all the fun stuff.
3:20
Speaker 2: You don't have to squeeze it all in. You feel
3:23
Speaker 2: like you have missed out on so much, so you
3:26
Speaker 2: want to jam pack what little time you have to
3:29
Speaker 2: make it count.
3:30
Speaker 1: I can't wait time a grandparent turn. I'm going to
3:33
Speaker 1: turn our kids' lives upside down. It's going to be
3:35
Speaker 1: so much fun. But I digress. I digress. It's not
3:37
Speaker 1: about me right now. So I want to have a
3:40
Speaker 1: whole lot of sympathy and even empathy. I think that
3:43
Speaker 1: we do have empathy for this family, but I wanted
3:45
Speaker 1: to really emphasize that when you're there all the time,
3:49
Speaker 1: you get how the family operates, You get what the
3:51
Speaker 1: values are, you get what the needs are. And you
3:54
Speaker 1: don't have to squeeze it all in, which means that
3:56
Speaker 1: things don't get turned on their head.
3:58
Speaker 2: I also think, though not in every case, but I
4:01
Speaker 2: think that mothers and daughters have a different relationship.
4:06
Speaker 1: I would agree with that because when I look at
4:08
Speaker 1: when I look at how frustrated I get with my
4:10
Speaker 1: mom and how patient you are with your mom, like
4:13
Speaker 1: there's a for me, it feels like a difference. But
4:16
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's just because of who my
4:18
Speaker 1: mom is and who your mom is and who we are.
4:20
Speaker 2: Well, I'm still I'm quite a reserved person in the
4:23
Speaker 2: conversations that I feel comfortable having with people, especially when
4:26
Speaker 2: it's when I recognize that there's a level of emotion
4:30
Speaker 2: involved in it. But there are conversations that I am
4:33
Speaker 2: obviously much more comfortable having with my mom and dad
4:37
Speaker 2: because they're my mum and dad, as opposed to trying
4:40
Speaker 2: to have them with your parents.
4:41
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, yes, about the same thing. So I'm really
4:44
Speaker 1: glad you raised that because when I wasn't quite sure
4:46
Speaker 1: where you were going with that. But I kind of
4:47
Speaker 1: feel like, if there's disruption in a family, it shouldn't
4:51
Speaker 1: be up to the son or daughter in law to
4:52
Speaker 1: raise it with the in laws. So if my parents
4:55
Speaker 1: are causing disruption, it's not really your job to talk
4:57
Speaker 1: to my parents about that. You need to talk to me,
5:00
Speaker 1: and we've got to be aligned, and then I should
5:02
Speaker 1: be going and talking to my parents. It's never a
5:05
Speaker 1: good look, never a good feel when the daughter in
5:08
Speaker 1: law goes to the parents in law and says, hey,
5:10
Speaker 1: you kind of messing up our lives. Here much better
5:13
Speaker 1: when the son or the daughter go to their respective
5:17
Speaker 1: parents and say, here's what we're struggling with and we're aligned.
5:21
Speaker 1: This isn't me dobbing or getting mad at you on
5:24
Speaker 1: behalf of my wife. We're aligned. That's a really handy
5:28
Speaker 1: piece of advice. And I think that this son could
5:29
Speaker 1: do well to take this to his parents himself, but
5:35
Speaker 1: I don't think he should. And this is the bit
5:36
Speaker 1: where I want to get a little bit forth right
5:39
Speaker 1: around it. We're talking about grandparents who don't get to
5:42
Speaker 1: see their grandkids a whole lot, and it's true that
5:45
Speaker 1: they do sort of swoop in and turn the world
5:47
Speaker 1: on its head for a day or a weekend, or
5:49
Speaker 1: even a week or even maybe a month. If they're
5:51
Speaker 1: traveling from a long way away.
5:53
Speaker 2: And you're saying all of this from a very educated position.
5:58
Speaker 2: We have literally lived this, and we have lived through
6:01
Speaker 2: every possible emotion in relation to this.
6:05
Speaker 1: Yeah, and we've had every argument with both sets of
6:08
Speaker 1: parents over the last twenty something years about it. So
6:11
Speaker 1: I don't want to sound a glib when I say
6:13
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, because we've actually been there, and if
6:15
Speaker 1: I could go back and do it all over again
6:17
Speaker 1: from the start, the advice that I would give young
6:20
Speaker 1: twenty something year old Justin is just be cool. Let
6:23
Speaker 1: them go for it. Your kids are going to survive.
6:27
Speaker 1: Just enjoy the peace and quiet, Enjoy the serenity while
6:29
Speaker 1: the kids are out, and then lay down and cuddle
6:31
Speaker 1: your kiddo as they go to bed at night, knowing
6:33
Speaker 1: that they've had a great day with the grandparents well.
6:35
Speaker 2: And recognize that tomorrow we're probably actually just going to
6:38
Speaker 2: need to have a really nice, quiet day at home. Yes, yeah,
6:42
Speaker 2: I think.
6:42
Speaker 1: Or next week, if it's going to go all weekend.
6:45
Speaker 2: I would say exactly the same thing. I look at
6:47
Speaker 2: the challenges and the frustration that I went through as
6:51
Speaker 2: a young mom watching mostly your mom, I knew you
6:55
Speaker 2: were going to say that that was coming, but my
6:57
Speaker 2: mum was involved in there as well, and watching the
7:01
Speaker 2: chaos that ensued as a result of time spent with
7:03
Speaker 2: either of them.
7:04
Speaker 1: And the friction. I know I cut you off, but
7:06
Speaker 1: it wasn't just the chaos, it was the friction. It
7:08
Speaker 1: was the bad vibes, the ill feeling, the ill will.
7:13
Speaker 1: I remember one night coming in after your parents had
7:15
Speaker 1: so kindly given up their night, looked after our kids
7:17
Speaker 1: so you and I could go on a date. Got
7:19
Speaker 1: back at like nine p fifteen, and our little ones,
7:21
Speaker 1: they were under the age of five, were still watching TV.
7:24
Speaker 1: Or maybe it was like eight thirty or something like that,
7:26
Speaker 1: but it was an hour past their bedtime. And I
7:28
Speaker 1: was so rude. I was so rude as I walked
7:31
Speaker 1: in and said, why are the kids still watching TV?
7:33
Speaker 1: They should have been and better an hour ago. And
7:36
Speaker 1: I stared your parents down, and then I switched off
7:38
Speaker 1: the TV mid program and dragged the kids into the
7:41
Speaker 1: room and I was like, you need to go to
7:42
Speaker 1: bed right now. And there was just that friction that
7:45
Speaker 1: it created. I mean, I don't know how your parents
7:48
Speaker 1: held their tongue and were so humble about it. They
7:51
Speaker 1: just quietly said good night to you. And left while
7:54
Speaker 1: I fumed as I tried to put the kids down
7:56
Speaker 1: the friction. It's just not worth it.
7:59
Speaker 2: Think about those experiences, and in spite of the challenge,
8:04
Speaker 2: I look at so many of my friends who don't
8:08
Speaker 2: even have the luxury of having grandparents swoop in and
8:12
Speaker 2: turn their lives out.
8:13
Speaker 1: Well, sometimes don't even have them in the first place.
8:16
Speaker 2: And I know which one I choose every single time.
8:19
Speaker 2: And in spite of all of that, if you talk
8:22
Speaker 2: to any one of our children, they could name a
8:24
Speaker 2: hundred reasons why their grandparents are just the bee's knees
8:28
Speaker 2: in their world. And all of the beautiful memories that
8:31
Speaker 2: they had, Yes they ate ice cream for breakfast, Yes they.
8:35
Speaker 1: Didn't have they didn't have one or dinner, and they
8:37
Speaker 1: came home starving and emaciated because of that. Head is
8:40
Speaker 1: possible they stared.
8:41
Speaker 2: At the TV for way too long and didn't go
8:42
Speaker 2: to bed until way too late. But I think when
8:47
Speaker 2: we are able to take a step back and recognize
8:51
Speaker 2: that here are two people who have literally done their
8:55
Speaker 2: child wearing, it could really like completely just leave babysitting
9:02
Speaker 2: duties up to everybody else because they've done it. They
9:04
Speaker 2: don't need to do it anymore. But there is so
9:07
Speaker 2: much love in that room for your children, creating that
9:10
Speaker 2: beautiful village of support and connection that they desperately need
9:14
Speaker 2: and want. And I think that if we can take
9:17
Speaker 2: that perspective, that we can pretty much just about deal
9:21
Speaker 2: with any of it.
9:25
Speaker 1: So the weekend just gone, we had my family's extended
9:29
Speaker 1: family Christmas across the weekend, so we went to the
9:32
Speaker 1: Gold Coasts. We all had a motel, hotel room, whatever
9:36
Speaker 1: it was, for a couple of nights in the same building,
9:40
Speaker 1: so that we all got to spend time together. And
9:42
Speaker 1: we've tried for more than twenty years now to calm
9:45
Speaker 1: my mum down when it comes to Christmas and gifts
9:49
Speaker 1: and sugar. Sugar. I mean, my mum is an accredited
9:52
Speaker 1: practicing dietitian, but she has no concept of our very
9:57
Speaker 1: best efforts to reduce the amount of sugar and take
9:59
Speaker 1: that our kids get.
10:00
Speaker 2: And literally all of your siblings are all actually.
10:04
Speaker 1: Very We're probably the least healthy.
10:06
Speaker 2: No, no, nutritionally conscious.
10:08
Speaker 1: That's what I mean. Like we're we're quite conscious of it.
10:11
Speaker 1: But compared to my siblings, holy smokes, we're pretty lax.
10:14
Speaker 1: Compared to them, they're much more full on than we are, that's.
10:17
Speaker 2: Right, And so to go through a weekend where literally
10:22
Speaker 2: every corner.
10:23
Speaker 1: It's custard for breakfast, and when we caught the kids
10:26
Speaker 1: eating whiz Fizz for breakfast, for goodness sakes, we would
10:29
Speaker 1: never do that. But even now, even my very very
10:33
Speaker 1: health conscious brother and his wife, they kind of just
10:36
Speaker 1: shrugged their shoulders and they're like, you know what, this weekend,
10:39
Speaker 1: then Nan is going to do what Nan does. And
10:42
Speaker 1: we can either fight it and have a horrible time,
10:44
Speaker 1: or we can just shrug our shoulders and be like,
10:46
Speaker 1: it's one weekend every three months, six months, twelve months,
10:51
Speaker 1: it's one weekend.
10:52
Speaker 2: Well, since COVID, it's probably once every three years. To
10:55
Speaker 2: be honest, we have this is the first time we've
10:57
Speaker 2: been together for such a long time.
10:59
Speaker 1: And as a lot of you're and my ability, and
11:01
Speaker 1: my brother's ability, and my other sisters their ability to
11:05
Speaker 1: just shrug their shoulders and say, you know what, my
11:07
Speaker 1: mum's name is Karen. Don't hold it against her. But
11:10
Speaker 1: it's just Karen being Karen. It's just who she is,
11:12
Speaker 1: it's just what she does. We actually had a really
11:15
Speaker 1: nice weekend because we didn't get frustrated at the late nights,
11:19
Speaker 1: the excessive sugar, the over the top gift giving that's
11:21
Speaker 1: completely unnecessary and feels burdensome and wasteful and challenging. Instead,
11:26
Speaker 1: we just said, we love her, she loves the kids.
11:29
Speaker 1: We're going to make it awesome, and we went with it.
11:32
Speaker 1: And I know that this kind of feels I hope
11:34
Speaker 1: it doesn't feel horrible to our anonymous emailer who who
11:38
Speaker 1: said I need help here. But that's the approach that
11:42
Speaker 1: we both seem pretty aligned on. That is much better
11:46
Speaker 1: to have the grandparents in their lives than not. And
11:48
Speaker 1: if there's a short period where all the rules do
11:50
Speaker 1: kind of go out the window, it's okay because Grandma
11:52
Speaker 1: will go home and it'll want to take a day
11:55
Speaker 1: or two and everything we back to normal.
11:57
Speaker 2: And if we can just round this whole picture out.
12:00
Speaker 2: We drove out the driveway from the Gold Coast to
12:02
Speaker 2: come home, and I almost didn't make it home. I
12:05
Speaker 2: was feeling that physically drained and awful as a result
12:10
Speaker 2: of all of that was shoved into my boat. Well
12:16
Speaker 2: it actually wasn't I chose, but it was available to us.
12:20
Speaker 2: And that's the reality it was. It was like that
12:24
Speaker 2: and I felt physically ill, and I'm still actually not
12:27
Speaker 2: feeling one hundred percent after the garbage we ate for
12:31
Speaker 2: the weekend, but I'm still I can't tell you how
12:35
Speaker 2: full my heart is and how grateful I am for
12:38
Speaker 2: your mum and dad and for the way they just
12:41
Speaker 2: love our children. And I don't believe it's a disrespect
12:45
Speaker 2: of my values and my wishes. I don't feel like
12:49
Speaker 2: at any point she's going, well, stuff you. I'm the grandparent.
12:52
Speaker 1: I can do what I want. I'm going to rub
12:53
Speaker 1: it in your face because I can not that at all.
12:56
Speaker 2: It's this is just her way. It's just her and
13:00
Speaker 2: it's who she is, and I can't change her.
13:03
Speaker 1: And we've tried. We had, so has every one of
13:06
Speaker 1: my siblings and all of the inlads. Like we've all tried.
13:08
Speaker 1: My dad's been trying for forty something fifty something years
13:11
Speaker 1: to change my mum. Not gonna happen, But as we accept,
13:15
Speaker 1: we just have a better time. And it's taken a
13:18
Speaker 1: couple of days. But you know, Kylie, the other thing
13:21
Speaker 1: is when you sit down, and this is what I
13:23
Speaker 1: would want this dad who sent us this email to do.
13:25
Speaker 1: When you sit down with your kiddo, after Grandma goes
13:27
Speaker 1: home and you say, hey, what was the best thing
13:29
Speaker 1: about Grandma being here? And then you just listen as
13:32
Speaker 1: they say, I love doing this, and I loved it
13:34
Speaker 1: when she brought me that, I loved it when we
13:36
Speaker 1: got to do that thing and have this experience, and
13:38
Speaker 1: I love it when she laid down and tickled me.
13:40
Speaker 1: Like the list will be long, And at that point
13:42
Speaker 1: you kind of go, yeah, I'm sweating the small stuff.
13:45
Speaker 1: I'm worried about all the wrong things here. Those things
13:48
Speaker 1: do matter, and if it's going to be an everyday thing,
13:50
Speaker 1: it becomes an issue. But if it's if it's a
13:52
Speaker 1: day or a weekend, or a week or even a month,
13:55
Speaker 1: just take a breather and encourage the relationship. Relationship is everything.
14:01
Speaker 1: Relationships love, That's the heart of the whole thing. So
14:05
Speaker 1: that's our response to that question. I hope that it
14:07
Speaker 1: helps everyone to get through Christmas this year, like we
14:10
Speaker 1: had to last weekend. We got one more of those
14:12
Speaker 1: coming up with your family in a couple of weeks time,
14:15
Speaker 1: and we're going to take the same approach. We're just
14:17
Speaker 1: going to go with whatever happens, and once it's all done,
14:21
Speaker 1: we'll get back into life again. The Happy Families podcast
14:24
Speaker 1: is produced by Justin Rowlan from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce
14:26
Speaker 1: is our executive producer. If you have questions for US
14:29
Speaker 1: podcasts at happy families dot com dot you. That's podcasts
14:33
Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot you. A quick caveat
14:35
Speaker 1: on everything we've just talked about. We're operating on the
14:38
Speaker 1: assumption that relationships are safe and healthy. If they're not,
14:43
Speaker 1: obviously different rules would apply tomorrow on the podcast, Very
14:48
Speaker 1: very excited to tell you our old do better tomorrow.
14:51
Speaker 1: Kylie has got the best one ever about me and
14:54
Speaker 1: how awesome I was when one of our daughters had
14:57
Speaker 1: an experience that nobody ever wants their child to go
15:01
Speaker 1: through MHM