Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S5 Ep17: Superman with a MetroCard 🤣

Transcript

S5 Ep17: Superman with a MetroCard 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: New York City, man, good to be here.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Take with my Comedy Central special.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Good to be home.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: See, these are the type of moments that make me say this is the best job in the world.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: I got the best job of the world, okay?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what you do for work, but my job is better than yours.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: I get an introduction, a round of applause, and music played every time I show up for work.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: You don't get that at your job.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: You work at the DMV?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody gives a damn when you show up for work.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: There's no DJ in the back, ladies and gentlemen.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Window number seven, registration renewal.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: Give it up for Keisha.
• 1:19
  unknown: Hey!
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, what's up, everybody?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: Open over here, open over here.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: You don't get that at your job.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Plus, there's a strong possibility, there's a strong possibility I'ma get some after the show.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I only say it now because there's a lot of girls in the room.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: So you guys can talk amongst yourselves.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: Figure out who the candidate is.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Saves me a lot of time at the end of the show.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: See, you can't say that it's your job.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: You can't walk in your job.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, uh ladies, um, it's a lot of y'all in here, and uh somebody gonna give me some, so y'all figure it out.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll be at my cubicle.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: Let me know.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: But sometimes, sometimes I don't get to perform in front of a mixed crowd.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: See, I travel over the country, I go over the all over the world.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I'm in an audience where I'm one of one.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: You ever been to Cedar Rapids, Iowa?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: Not a lot of pigment in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: White.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: W-H-I-I-I-I T-E.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: Iowa is so white, I think that's where they make white people at.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: All the white people in here, look on the bottom of your foot.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: It says made in Iowa.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: Went to a strip club while I was there.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: Got worse.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, some states shouldn't even have strip clubs.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Iowa, top of that list.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: No black people.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: It was cold.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in a dark ass strip club, bunch of pale ass white girls dancing around.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I was in a haunted house.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: Now we're printing on stage one.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Give it up for pale girls.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: She says, come out the wall.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's the best, best, best job in the world.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: I got up for this show too.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: I got a haircut, got me an outfit.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: I was gonna work out everything.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, don't have that kind of time for results.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: I was gonna eat healthy too.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I was gonna give myself a week of eating healthy, but then I said, nah, forget it.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Too much work.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Too expensive to eat healthy.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody have health nut in here?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Too expensive to eat healthy.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: You ever go to Whole Foods?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: You ever go to Whole Foods?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: A carrot is like seven dollars.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: McDonald's got double cheeseburgers for a dollar.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: No, my kids don't eat fruit because fruits don't have any mascots.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's why kids don't eat fruit.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: Fruits don't have any mascots.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like every sugary cereal has like a bear or a rabbit that's like, kids eat it, kids eat it, eat it, eat it.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: You're a little kid, you like, I gotta get that cereal.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: There's no mascot for grapes.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: No mascot for apples.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: You know why?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Because the grape and the mas the grape and the apple, they the mascots for underwear.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I say I'm just gonna eat what I want to eat and drink alcohol and have a good time.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: You ever meet somebody, you ever meet somebody that don't drink, and you look at them like it's something wrong with them?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: You actually look at them like it's something wrong with them.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: You standing there drunk as hell, you don't drink?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell's wrong with you?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: So, so what you just go to sleep at night and wake up in the same spot?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: Not me, I wake up every morning.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Where the hell am I?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Who is this chick?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: I love alcohol, man.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: Some people call alcohol a drug, too.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: Some people say that.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Alcohol's a drug.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: Not me, I call it a vitamin.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Because whatever your deficiency is, alcohol will treat it.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: You got a problem?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Problem solved.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, alcohol.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: You go in a club, you can't dance, have a couple of drinks.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Problem solved.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: Alcohol make you think you're in an RB group.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: First shot of tequila.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Boom.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, alcohol.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: You see a girl across the room, she don't look that good.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: Have a couple of drinks.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Boom, she is gorgeous.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'ma marry her.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: The alcohol man pops up all the time.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: I know how to spot the alcohol man.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm telling you.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Remember, remember Kanye at the VMAs?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: He on the Red of Club with Bala Hennessy.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: You get back to his seat and the award goes to Taylor Swift, take an alcohol man.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know that's messed up, right?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, alcohol.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, alcohol.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: Well, get your ass up there and tell everybody Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: You right, Alcohol! Yo, yo, yo, yo, Taylor, I'm really happy for you.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna let you finish.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: But Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Alcohol man.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: Get you in trouble every time.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Get you in trouble every time.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: I tried to give myself a week of not drinking.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: I tried to give myself a week of not drinking.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Didn't make it.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: I got drunk last night.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Try not to drink for a week, because I threw up on a plane on the way out here.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: I was in LA.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: My boys were like, before you go back home, we're gonna take you out to the party.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: Went to the club, drank a big ass bottle of tequila.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like, not to that one, to that one.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Had to get on a plane two hours later.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: I was on that plane messed up.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody that's ever been drunk and threw up, it's the same process for everybody in here.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody in here, same process.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: You sit in there, you start sweating.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Start breathing heavy.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Alcohol man come back, start talking to you.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: Whoop.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: I know you're not gonna throw up on this plane, okay?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: You a grown ass man.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: Watch out.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: Soon as the plane landed, I was like this.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know what's funny?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: Once you finish throwing up, you feel great.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yes! Soon as you finish.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: Soon as you finish, we're like, let's go with horny at, let's go.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: But you know what mess you up after that?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: You know what messes you up after that?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: The dry heaves.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: For the next 10 minutes, you're doing this, nothing coming out.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm walking the baggage claim.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody that saw me, like, you okay?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm fine.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm good.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry about me, I'm fine.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: See, everybody's laughing because everybody's been there.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's different for girls, though.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's different for girls.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: Group of girls go out, one girl gets sick, every girl plays a part.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: One girl gets sick, every girl plays a part.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Soon as he starts getting sick, they rush her straight to the bathroom.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: One girl stands in front of the bathroom, you can't come in here, she's throwing up, you can't come in here.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: You can't come in here, she's throwing up.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: Another girl in the stall with her holding her hair back.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: Let it out, let it out.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: Let it out.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm here, I'm here.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: Bring the car around, Kiki.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: Bring the car around.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: She comes walking out the bathroom cold and shaking.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: They put a jacket over her, walk out like it's James Brown at the end of the concert.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: Fellas, no such unity whatsoever.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: You go out with your best friend.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: You start throwing up, they're not taking you to no bathroom.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna throw up right there on the sidewalk.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: And they're gonna stand over you laughing because now you are a spectacle.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: Ha ha ha ha.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's my boy.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: He can't drink, it's his birthday.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I don't know.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: And here's the tip for all the weed smokers in the room.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: If you're gonna smoke, if you're gonna smoke, always smoke with your fat friends.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yes?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: The fatter the better.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because your fat friends are taking the munchies to a whole nother level.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: Your fat friends are like, damn potato chips.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna go bake a cake.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, fat Tommy, yes.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: Fat Tommy to the rescue, yes.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: Some fat dude in your kitchen, like he high, so he's eating all the cake at the same time.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: Stop eating the cake, fat Tommy! Start out with a cake and up with a muffin messing around with you.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: You see, you always gotta give that joke a few seconds so the high people could catch up.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: You hear the late laughs?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's the high people.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: They don't hear the joke as quickly as everybody else.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like you guys hear it as soon as I say it.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: The high people hear it a little bit slower.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: They hear the joke in slow motion.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: To the high people in the room, the joke sound like this.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: For Trump heard the creek like this.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: Me personally, I think marijuana should be legal if you ask me.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: Marijuana should be legal.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: They should legalize it.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: I have the answer too.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: They should legalize marijuana and then tax it.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's the answer right there.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: Legalize it, then tax it.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: Then take the tax money and put it to good use.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: Fix up the schools, healthcare, drug prevention.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: Make a nickelbag five dollars and sixty-five cents.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: That'd be funny just to see people high looking for loose change.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: You're already paying taxes on stuff you don't want to pay taxes on.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: You might as well pay taxes on something you want to pay taxes on for once, right?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: You get paid on Friday, you'll look at your check.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: They took money out your check to pay taxes you don't want to pay.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: If they was taking money off of weed, you wouldn't mind.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: You'd be like, you might want to take a little more.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: I smoke a lot.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's true.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: Your tax dollars, did you know your tax dollars pay cops' salaries?
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know that?
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: Your tax dollars pay cops' salaries.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: For black people, that should be optional.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: We should have to check a box on our W-2 form.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: Would you like to pay a cop?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: Hell no, get my money.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: That's why black people run from the cops.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: You on the clock, I might as well get my money's worth.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: Freeze, kiss my ass, chase me.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'll pay your salary.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: I want to see my money at work.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: Your tax dollars pay firemen's salaries, too, you know that.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: Then they have the nerve to say stuff like, only call us when it's an emergency.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: But only take my money when you put out a fire.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: Don't call us for anything stupid like a cat in a tree.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: I will call your ass to get an orange out of the tree.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: I pay your salary.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: 911, get over here.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: See that orange?
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: I need that.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: As long as you're paying taxes, that means everybody in this room, as long as you're paying taxes, you all have the right to walk into a fire station and slide down the pole just for the hell of it.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's your right as a taxpayer.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: Just walk in there.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, can we help you?
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm cool.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: My boys, my boys, they smoke weed all the time.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: They come to my house like because they have girlfriends and wives and won't let them smoke at home at home.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_01: So they come to my house.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: My house is the designated weed smoking house.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: So they always come home and get into these deep philosophical weed debates.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like they think they think it's deep.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because they high.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: Other than they sit in there smoking, like, I gotta go one, I gotta go.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Check this out.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: Check this out.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you could be Batman or Superman, which one would you be?
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's deep.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'ma go with Superman, man.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, nah, you know what?
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: I think I'm gonna go with Batman on that one.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'ma go with Batman.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: You know why?
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: Because when Batman's not the Batman, he's billionaire Bruce Wayne.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: And when Superman's not Superman, he's regular ass Clark Kent.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: When Batman not Batman, he damn near Puff Daddy.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_01: And everywhere he goes, he's introduced as such.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: Have you met billionaire Bruce Wayne?
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: Even if you don't catch his, well, I didn't catch your last name.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: Did you hear the first part?
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_01: I thought about it.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: I gave it some thought.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: I gave it a lot of thought.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I realized?
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: Superman could only be a white guy.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: It could only be a white guy.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: Only be a white guy.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because what black dude is gonna keep superpowers a secret at work?
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_01: What happened?
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: What happened?
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: He in a break room with his boys.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yo, check this out, check this out.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: I know it don't look like it right now.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm telling you, I'm Superman.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: Black girls already think their boyfriends are superheroes.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: Black girls already think their boyfriends are superheroes.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: You ever see how fearless a black girl is when her boyfriend is around?
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: What you think you're bad?
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're six, ten, three hundred pounds.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: Get them, baby.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: Babe, let's just run together, okay?
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's why Superman never fought a black villain.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: Superman never fought a black villain, never catch him.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_01: Never catch him.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_01: All his superpowers, we got the same stuff.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: Faster than a speeding bullet.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_01: Let somebody start shooting him right now.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_01: I bet you I'll get out first.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: Never fought no black villain?
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_01: What's his weakness?
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_01: What's Superman's weakness?
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_01: Can't see through lead.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: Come to the hood.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: All that lead-based paint in the project, you never find nobody.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: All the little kids eating the paint chips, they walking around invisible.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: Superman have a hard day in the ghetto, that's all I'm saying.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_01: We all superheroes.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_01: We all faster than speed and bullets.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: We all able to leap.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: We just haven't mastered flying yet.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: We just haven't mastered flying yet.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: That's why whenever you drive through the ghetto, you always see sneakers caught up in the telephone wise.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: Some brother dangling, somebody like, who told him he could do that?
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: Take him an alcohol man.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: Whoop, I don't know who told him he could do that.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, I have a good night of Tony Rock.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for coming out, y'all.