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Divorce Mistakes You Can't Afford To Make - Part 1 · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: I had planned for this episode to be 17 divorce mistakes you can't afford to make, and I think that's going to take us way over time.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to split it into two.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: So here goes the divorce mistakes that you cannot afford to make.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And the first one is allowing your emotions to rule, making decisions based purely on your emotions, making life important life decisions from an emotional perspective, from guilt, from anger, letting your emotions drive things and letting your emotions take over.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's highly likely that you are in an emotional activated state.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And you need the support and the guidance and most of all the capacity to make really smart decisions here that are going to support you long term.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: And the family law system, the court doesn't care how hurt or angry you are.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a massive mistake to be driven purely by emotion and make decisions purely from emotion, from an emotional standpoint, I should say.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be able to make smart decisions that will support you, your kids if you have them, and your future, your long-term future.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to put your emotions aside and make decisions objectively.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So whatever that takes for you, dialing down your emotions, getting the right support so that you can not make the mistake of making a purely emotional decision.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: It needs to be practical, it needs to be objective, it needs to support your long-term future.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: The second mistake you can't afford to make in your divorce is about your kids.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's about impacting your kids more than is necessary.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, your children will be impacted, there is no way around that.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: They will be impacted and affected by your divorce.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: But you can make the mistake, even inadvertently, of making that impact more than it needs to be, more than it has to be.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: For example, using your kids to exact revenge on your ex, even as I said, inadvertently.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: You might not even realize that you're doing it, but sometimes holding on really tightly to the control over kids and child caring arrangements is actually you wanting to punish your ex or get revenge.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Also using your kids as messages between you and your ex or asking them to report back on what's happening in your ex's household, fighting for inadvertent commas, your kids, when really it is about control and punishment rather than what is really in the best interest of your children.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, of course, I am not speaking here to situations where there is abuse, coercive control, domestic violence.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: The best thing any parent can do for their kids during divorce is to respect and treat their other parent accordingly, but that has to be a two-way thing.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Keeping your kids out of as much of the conflict as you can is best for them, but what's best for them is two parents who are equally committed to their well-being.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: So this one is a little bit nuanced.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: But you can, even if your ex is not playing playing fair, you can minimize the impact you have on your kids by being really mindful and keeping their well-being uh front and center.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: The third mistake you can, the third big mistake you can't afford to make in divorce is wanting your day in court, wanting revenge, wanting justice.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, you might be really hurt and pissed off with your ex.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: You want to hear that judge bear down on them and say how bad he or she was.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: You want your day in court, but here's the thing: the judge may not necessarily see the situation your way.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: It generally, I think it's 30 something months in Australia at the moment.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: It takes a really long time and it's really expensive to get your family law matter into court.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um and as I said, the judge may not necessarily see things your way, and really the law doesn't care about who did what, who said what, who is right, who is wrong from an emotional, moral, ethical standpoint.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: They care about the law.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's just better to know in your head, in your heart, that you've done the right thing, you were right, to find a way to settle your property matter, to settle your child caring arrangements without court, without revenge, without needing justice, and move on.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: The next mistake you can't afford to make when you're navigating, negotiating your divorce is jumping to the end.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: This one can be particularly costly, and I'm talking financially costly here.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Jumping to the end, agreeing, settling, agreeing to a settlement, a property settlement, arrangements to just get out of the conflict, to to finish it, to have it done, to have it over with.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: So many, and I'm gonna say, I think it's gendered, so many women, not only women, but I think predominantly, say, I just want to get it over with, I just don't want to have to deal with him anymore.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I want it over, I want it over now, and they jump to the end, they agree to something just to have it finished.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Don't do this.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you have crossed all the T's and dotted all the I's and looked at your options.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: This will take support.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Do take some time to process that your relationship's just ended, get the support you need, and this may mean counseling or therapy, and not just your best friend and a bottle of wine on the couch.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Get some coaching, know, get some advice to know what your rights are, what you're entitled to, what you and then process what you think about it, then think about it some more because you're only going to get one shot at this property settlement, you're only gonna get one go at it, and if you change your mind, then may it may be too late.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: If you jump to the end and you sign, settle just to get it over with, just to get out of the conflict and out of the overwhelm, there's no going back.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: The fifth mistake you can't afford to make, and there's 5A and 5B here, there's two parts to this, is not knowing your numbers.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: The first part of that is not you not knowing the numbers, and you just accepting the numbers you're offered or presented given by your ex on face value, just going with what you're told rather than you doing your own research.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not one for automatically not trusting your partner just because you're getting divorced, and when I separated from Mike, he had more financial, not control, but he he's a finance guy, so he had run the finance and I had trusted him throughout our relationship, throughout our marriage.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: I actually continued to trust him, but I did also get advice, I did get independent advice about the financial situation because I wanted to make sure I had crossed the T's and dotted the I's for myself.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I it wasn't that I didn't trust him, it was that neither of us had done this before, neither of us had separated, divorced, and split our assets.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to be really clear about what those numbers were and how they looked for our unique circumstances.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to know your numbers yourself, not just believe what you're shown or you're told.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Don't just go with the numbers that your ex gives you, do your own research and get a full understanding of your financial picture, your financial situation as a couple, as a family.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: All of the financial information of the relationship, what you own, what you owe, where it is, what's coming in, what's going out, where it's going, where it's landing.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Know your numbers.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And the second part, 5B, of knowing your numbers is work out what it's going to cost you to live each week.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Know those numbers too.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're going to be on your own with the kids, so work out how much it's going to cost you before you accept or sign child support or spousal support offer from your ex.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Most of us, most of us underestimate what we spend each week, and we can therefore sell ourselves short in a settlement by taking the first offer that is made to us and signing the first deal.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: But if you know your numbers, you can say, actually, it what it costs to run my life and the lives of the children is X, and so I need Y.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is how it needs to look to best support our children.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Also, factor in the cost or the opportunity cost, really, I should say, of being primary carer if this is going to be your situation.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: What this costs you in terms of your capacity to work.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Are you going to put your kids in full-time childcare, go back to full-time work?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Are you going to sacrifice a little bit of career time, energy in order to be present for them?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: How's that going to look for you?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: And what do you need to fund that?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, some of that is going to be superannuation.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: So don't sell yourself short, know your numbers, know what it's going to cost you to live your life.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you don't currently know everything about your income, your expenses, your cost of living both now and projected for the future, you are going to be on the back foot.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: And potentially your soon-to-be ex may have an advantage over you in terms of negotiating.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really important that you know as much as possible about your current expenses, your current financial situation, and that you as accurately as you can calculate your expected future expenses, what it's going to cost you to live and raise these children.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's going to be impacted by inflation, of course, and the fact that generally kids get more expensive as they get older and they get bigger.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the cost of feeding and clothing a family of three small children versus the cost of feeding three ravenous teenagers, keeping up with their clothes and their shoes as they grow is really, really different.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: So know the numbers and know or be able to project how that will change as your family grows and factor that into your discussion and negotiation so it doesn't cost you.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: And just before we deep dive into the second part of this podcast episode, I want to remind you that there's always the opportunity to have a conversation with me to book a free intro call if this episode is bringing up things for you and you feel like you're ready to take the next step towards working one-on-one with me.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes to book your free intro call and to discuss coaching options, and I would love to be able to support you.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: The next mistake that cost is costly to make in divorce is not being clear on what your values are, what is important to you.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: This can be really, really costly.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you know what's really important to you, you don't get so stuck on the little things because getting stuck in a negotiation, in a property settlement, even child caring arrangement can cost you time, energy, effort, but also money.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, do you really care that much about the lounge suite or the dinner service?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you willing to let go of that?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, don't sweat the insignificant things like furniture.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: They are, those things are replaceable.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can get what you need and buy the rest later, then do it.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: You'll burn up more than the cost of the couch in legal fees negotiating who's going to get it.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: So be smart, know what's important to you, and let the other stuff go.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on what is important by knowing what you value.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, it could be, as I said, around child caring arrangements too.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: So time with the kids.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Is it worth fighting for you?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Is it worth fighting over who gets birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Is that really important to you?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: Know what's really important to you before you step into the fight.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Check in with your values.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, why is this really important to you and how can you shift or change things so that it's still aligned with your values, but there's a creative solution, a third alternative.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: Being really clear on what you value means that you don't spend time fighting over things that are not actually that important.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: The seventh divorce mistake you can't afford to make is expecting automatically your ex to be different.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know your partner, your ex-partner very, very well, and there are good reasons you're getting divorced, and some of those reasons are likely that you're not aligned in certain ways, or you or you don't agree with or value the same things, you don't show up in the same way, you probably don't like certain things about this other person.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've never liked them.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: But for example, if your ex has always been financially frugal, a little bit tight, don't expect him or her to suddenly be generous.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Or if they've never really been emotionally attached to the house, or perhaps they have, whatever it is, maybe calm communication has never been their thing, or dealing with conflict in cooperative, healthy ways, whatever it is.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Don't necessarily expect him or her to suddenly behave differently or in the same way that you would.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Expecting your ex to suddenly show up to communicate, to negotiate in a totally different way is unrealistic and it's going to cost you time, energy, heartache, and mental pain, mental load.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Expecting them to change just because you're getting divorced can be really costly in it in that it takes you longer to come around to the negotiations.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're not expecting a fight or you are expecting a fight.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: In some cases, you know, aggressive behavioral, stonewalling, dismissive behavior, control, bullying actually increases.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: So my tip here is expect what you've experienced throughout the relationship and prepare for that.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know your ex-partner very, very well.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Expect them to show up just as they always did and maybe even to escalate their usual normal patterns of behavior.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: The eighth divorce mistake you can't afford to make is expecting or accepting that 50-50 is fair.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: In life, and particularly in a separation, divorce, property settlement, 50-50 is not always fair.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now many couples think it's just a simple matter of splitting everything down the middle.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: 50-50, you get half, I get half.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: But this actually isn't how it works from a family law perspective.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't take into account the non-financial contributions such as raising children that have been made to the relationship by one person, nor does it factor in the ongoing cost if you are going to continue to be the prime carer, or it doesn't consider the future earning capacity of each partner.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: All of those things are factored in.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: So 50-50 is not necessarily fair.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: Don't automatically settle, don't automatically settle for or expect 50-50.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Don't expect that 50-50 is just the way it goes without getting some legal and financial advice.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it might cost you to invest in advice, but it could cost you a whole lot more to not have that clarity and to settle for 50-50 when in fact there is more that needs to be considered.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: Mistake number nine that you can't afford to make in your divorce, and I say this a lot, and I mean a lot, and it is one key reason why I do what I do.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: And the mistake you can't afford to make is thinking that your lawyer has all the answers and relying only on your lawyer.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: I touched on this on a recent podcast episode when I spoke in terms of outsourcing your power being a mistake that people often make in separation divorce.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: One of the biggest mistakes I say people make is to rely exclusively on a lawyer for all aspects of divorce.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, of course, you may need and probably will need the advice of a lawyer regardless of whether they're children involved, because they know the law and they'll guide you through any of the legal issues that need to be dealt with.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: They're great at legally drafting what you need to close your property settlement and divorce and can find and can advise you on the law.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: That is their area of specialty, that is their zone of genius.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: But lawyers are not specialists when it comes to financial advice, and nor are they your best option when it comes to emotional support, communication strategies, dealing with issues that arise when you're co-parenting, all the practical tips and strategies, or when it comes to rebuilding your life afterwards.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: Leaning on your lawyer for non-legal aspects of navigating divorce can cost you in legal fees, of course, but also in time and energy.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: So thinking your lawyer has all the answers, relying exclusively on a lawyer for everything while you navigate your divorce is a costly mistake to make.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Seek out the right supports, and yes, that's gonna be your girlfriends, your friends, your family members potentially.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be maybe a therapist.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I'm gonna say it's definitely going to be a coach, and it's also gonna be other advisors, financial advisors, accountants, financial planners, maybe it's mortgage brokers, but seek out the right supports and rely on the right person for the right part of what you need.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna leave it there in terms of the divorce mistakes you can't afford to make, and I'm gonna come back next week with the second part of this podcast episode.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've learned a little bit of something, and if there is somebody that you know who might need to hear some of this advice, please feel free to share the podcast episode with them.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: As always, there's a link in the show notes should you want to jump on a call with me and discuss how I can more deeply support you in a one-on-one capacity.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: But for now, thank you for being here.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: I so appreciate you and value your presence.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for having me in your ears.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.