Latest / Internal Insights / Why Do I Need Other People to Tell Me I Did Okay?
Transcript
- Ted Thao: Hey, I'm Ted Thao This is Internal Insights. I'm a licensed professional counselor, which means I spend most of my weeks listening closely to people work through the hardest parts of being alive. This podcast is where I take what I'm hearing without any names or identifying details and open it up into a conversation for anyone willing to think a little harder about themselves and the world around them. Think about the last time someone told you you did a good job, and notice how long that good feeling actually lasted. For a lot of us, it fades a lot faster than we'd like to admit. That good feeling and how quickly we go looking for the next one points to something we all carry round, which is the need to feel like we're okay. There are really two places we look for that feeling. One is outside of us. Like a compliment from a coworker, a quick text back from a friend, or someone we love saying I'm proud of you. That's external validation. The other one comes from inside. When you can look at something you did and tell yourself that was good, or I handled that the best I could. Even if nobody else noticed, that's internal validation. A lot of us learned early to lean hard on the first one. When you're a kid, the grown-ups around you are basically your mirror. And you figure out whether you're doing well by watching their faces. That isn't a flaw. That's how people learn. So it makes a lot of sense that some of that habit follows us into adulthood. Where it gets hard. Is when the outside approval becomes the only source. I picture it as a house with windows and lamps. Windows let the sunlight in, and on a bright day your whole house feels warm and alive. Which is what it feels like when people recognize you. The sun doesn't always cooperate though. There are cloudy stretches and long nights. And hold seasons when people around you are busy or distracted or just can't see what you're carrying. And if your house only has windows, it gets dark in there pretty fast. Lamps are the lights you can turn on yourself. They're not as dramatic as sunshine. But they're they are there at two o'clock in the morning when no one else is awake. Here's the part I really want you to hear. Neither one is a bad guy. Some folks swing the other way and decide they shouldn't need anyone. And wanting encouragement is weak. So you try to run entirely on lamps. And that can get lonely and honestly a little dim. We're wired for connection. And hearing someone say, You did a great job, is supposed to feel good. What we're after is a house with both, where the sunlight is welcome when it comes and you're not left sitting in the dark when it doesn't. Which brings up something people bring to me pretty often. Is it bad that I need other people to tell me that I did okay? And the honest answer is no, it isn't bad. And I gently set the word bad aside altogether. Wanting reassurance from people you care about is a part of being close to them. Where it can start to hurt. Is when their words are the only thing that lets you believe it. If you finish something big and feel like you failed until someone texts you, nice job. And then that really fades by dinner, and that doubt creeps back in, it's usually a sign that your lamps could use a little more attention. So instead of trying to stop needing people. I'd invite you to add one small step. The next time you do something that matters to you, pause before you go looking for someone's reaction and ask yourself what do you think about it? What went well? And what did it take for you to do that? You're not replacing someone's opinion. You're making sure yours gets a vote too. Over time, those small moments. Build something steadily inside you. So when the kind words do come, they land on solid ground, instead of trying to fill an empty space. Maybe this week you catch one of these moments when you're reaching for someone's approval and you offer yourself a little first something as simple as I saw that and it counted. Then as the sunlight comes in too, you get to enjoy both. That's where I'll leave it for today. You don't have to agree with everything I said, but I'd invite you to sit with it a little longer before you move on to whatever is next. I'm Ted Thao this has been Internal Insights. And if you want to learn more about my work, you can find me at internal insights therapy dot com. Take care, and I'll talk to you next time.