Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1012 - A Mum's Break

Transcript

#1012 - A Mum's Break · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
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  Speaker 2: wants answers.
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  Speaker 1: Now, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. We're so glad
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  Speaker 1: to have you joining us today. Every Friday on the podcast,
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  Speaker 1: we review the week that was, the highs and lows,
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  Speaker 1: the peaks, the troughs, the things that went well and
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  Speaker 1: the things that didn't. We call it I'll do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 1: The whole object is that we want to improve in
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  Speaker 1: our parenting. We want to be more intentional, we want
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  Speaker 1: to be more conscious parents. And Kylie today a podcast
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  Speaker 1: with a difference. You're not in the studio with me.
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  Speaker 2: We've never actually done this, I don't think.
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  Speaker 1: No, I don't think we ever have.
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  Speaker 2: But I'm not hauled up in a tiny little hotel
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  Speaker 2: room at the moment spending a little bit of time
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  Speaker 2: away with a friend.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, girls time, no kids, no husband, just you, Beck
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  Speaker 1: and a whole lot of fun. Really, I mean, you
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  Speaker 1: must be living the life.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I'm doing lots and lots of walking, so I'm
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  Speaker 2: really feeling it.
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  Speaker 1: So here's the context. Every year, so often, Kylie, for
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  Speaker 1: our entire marriage, we've always been so committed to being
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  Speaker 1: close to one another, and we would never I remember
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  Speaker 1: years and years and years ago, some friends were going
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  Speaker 1: on individual holidays, that is, they were going on trips
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  Speaker 1: without taking their husband or their wife, and we were like,
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  Speaker 1: who would do that? How could you do that? And
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  Speaker 1: suddenly here we are, and how's it going? You know?
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  Speaker 2: I think the real challenge is that when you become
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  Speaker 2: a parent, all of a sudden, you have all this responsibility,
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  Speaker 2: and the idea, the romantic notion that his husband and
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  Speaker 2: wife you'll get to go and explore the world and
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  Speaker 2: enjoy time together without the children is probably a little
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  Speaker 2: bit unrealistic for most families.
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  Speaker 1: So what you're saying is you having a ball? Is
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  Speaker 1: that what you're saying?
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  Speaker 2: I am having a ball.
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  Speaker 1: I miss you all, but I am having well. So
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  Speaker 1: I've been thinking about it all well. I mean, I've
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  Speaker 1: been missing you like crazy all week, but I've been
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  Speaker 1: thinking about it all week. And with the cost of
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  Speaker 1: living crisis, people struggling so much, this is also a
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  Speaker 1: really affordable way for you to be able to have
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  Speaker 1: an experience because the cost of taking the family away
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  Speaker 1: it's exorbitant and it's just too much pressure. But you
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  Speaker 1: needed a break and this was something where if you're
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  Speaker 1: just paying for one person to disappear for a few days,
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  Speaker 1: it's so much more affordable than trying to pack up
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  Speaker 1: the whole family, go through all the rigmarole or the
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  Speaker 1: hassle or the drama and make that happen unless you
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  Speaker 1: want to go camping, which we're always happy to do that,
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  Speaker 1: but this was just for you, and well, I guess
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  Speaker 1: that makes it much more achievable when it is just
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  Speaker 1: one person that you're paying for. So what's it been
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  Speaker 1: like to be a mum of six kids with no
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  Speaker 1: one to look after, no one to confer with, no
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  Speaker 1: one to check in with other than your good mate
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  Speaker 1: back while you guys gallop out and hang out and
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  Speaker 1: do your thing.
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  Speaker 2: So this is something new for both Beck and I.
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  Speaker 2: Neither of us have actually done a really solid trip
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  Speaker 2: away or by ourselves, And if I'm being completely honest,
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  Speaker 2: I actually tagged along with Beck. This was actually her trip,
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  Speaker 2: and what I've loved about it is the opportunity that
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  Speaker 2: we've had to kind of, I guess, strengthen our friendship.
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  Speaker 2: We're both really busy mums. We spend lots of time
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  Speaker 2: in our own families, consumed by everything that that entails,
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  Speaker 2: and so for each of us to be able to
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  Speaker 2: just take a little bit of time out for us
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  Speaker 2: and to be able to spend time together obviously strengthens
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  Speaker 2: any relationship when you do that. And I think as women,
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  Speaker 2: we need to band together, we need to stick together,
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  Speaker 2: we need to actually encourage each other and push boundaries together.
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  Speaker 2: And we've kind of we've come together as two very
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  Speaker 2: different and individual people with different strengths and abilities. And
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  Speaker 2: what's been really awesome is where one of us lacks,
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  Speaker 2: the other one seems to be on a percopters lack,
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  Speaker 2: And so the opportunity we've had to just remember and
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  Speaker 2: tap back into that childhood notion of having fun and
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  Speaker 2: being spontaneous and not having to worry about what anyone
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  Speaker 2: else needs from us, To literally be able to just
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  Speaker 2: take a few moments of time to do something just
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  Speaker 2: for us has been really restorative.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I reckon that there's pretty much everyone who's listening
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  Speaker 1: is probably going wouldn't mind a week away, wouldn't mind
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  Speaker 1: just disappearing with a girlfriend and doing what you're doing
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  Speaker 1: sounds so great? Is there a take home message in
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  Speaker 1: relation to what you're doing and how this is going.
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  Speaker 2: So There's probably three things that stand out to me
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  Speaker 2: as I think about the experience. In preparation to leaving,
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  Speaker 2: I was really anxious, but not because I was anxious
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  Speaker 2: about being away for me. I was actually anxious about
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  Speaker 2: how Emily specifically would respond to me being away and
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  Speaker 2: feeling I guess the pressure of knowing that I was
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  Speaker 2: leaving you behind with the kids while you're working and
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  Speaker 2: having to deal with them as well, and just all
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  Speaker 2: of the dynamics of family life on top of running
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  Speaker 2: a business and doing your side of family life, and
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  Speaker 2: that really really weighed heavily on me. And I think
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  Speaker 2: so many times as I talk to other mums, the
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  Speaker 2: acknowledgment that they couldn't possibly do it because they just
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  Speaker 2: they don't want to add that pressure to their partners
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  Speaker 2: or spousers, or they're too worried because nobody could do
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  Speaker 2: life like they do it and take care of their
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  Speaker 2: families the way they take care of them. And the
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  Speaker 2: reality is, how have you done?
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  Speaker 1: I'm interested, I really appreciate you asking.
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  Speaker 2: Have you survived?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've survived. It's fine. If I was
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  Speaker 1: to summarize how I'm doing, I would say, I'm so
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  Speaker 1: happy for you I'm so happy for you. That's not
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  Speaker 1: supposed to come across the sounding spiteful, vindictive, or otherwise
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  Speaker 1: envious in any way at all. I really, truly you're
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  Speaker 1: not envious at all. I truly am happy for you.
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  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, do I wish that we were together? Yes?
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  Speaker 1: Can I please come with you on your next girls
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  Speaker 1: get away?
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  Speaker 2: Like?
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  Speaker 1: Pretty please? I really would like that a lot, Oh
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  Speaker 1: my goodness, so extremely extremely jealous, really really envious, wishing,
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  Speaker 1: oh gosh, wishing that I was there with you, but
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  Speaker 1: really grateful for the opportunity as well. So I've had
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  Speaker 1: to take Emily, our ten year old, with me. It's
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  Speaker 1: been bring your kids to work day for me every
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  Speaker 1: day while I'm trying to run presentations around the country
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  Speaker 1: and do my thing. It has been challenging. On top
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  Speaker 1: of that, I'm trying to work full time, and as
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  Speaker 1: you know, my full time work, my days normally start
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  Speaker 1: somewhere between seven thirty and eight in the office, and
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  Speaker 1: because I'm giving presentations and I'm traveling and things, quite
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  Speaker 1: often I don't get back until nine or ten, and
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  Speaker 1: often it's in a hotel room. So I'm trying to
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  Speaker 1: navigate two teenagers, look after Emily, the ten year old,
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  Speaker 1: deal with the meals and the washing and the ironing.
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  Speaker 1: And I know that any mum right now is pulling
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  Speaker 1: other violins and saying, oh, let's just play you a song,
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  Speaker 1: let's just help you get through this. But it is hard.
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  Speaker 1: It is hard, and my heart goes out to any
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  Speaker 1: single parent. I mean, we talk about this often on
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  Speaker 1: the podcast, the difference that it makes by having that
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  Speaker 1: additional parent, having an additional caregiver, It makes the world
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  Speaker 1: of difference. It's been really hard. Miss you like crazy,
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  Speaker 1: and I can't wait for you to get home. Basically,
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  Speaker 1: do you know what, in spite of that, we're doing fine.
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  Speaker 1: Meals have been cooked on top of the washing. House
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  Speaker 1: is tidy. Kids have been great. It's one of those
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  Speaker 1: things where you can do it. Of course you can
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  Speaker 1: do it.
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  Speaker 2: It's just it sounds like I should probably stay away
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  Speaker 2: for another one.
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  Speaker 1: It's just nicer to not have to do it on
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  Speaker 1: your own. Don't even think about it like a couple,
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  Speaker 1: and you'd say that, so I think a couple of
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  Speaker 1: take home messages for me, though I had Emily with me,
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  Speaker 1: and we've been able to visit science centers, we've been
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  Speaker 1: able to go to museums because I just can't. I
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  Speaker 1: can't have a ten year old with me in a
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  Speaker 1: hotel room and get the same volume, well, get any
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  Speaker 1: work done. I literally my work has had to be paused.
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  Speaker 1: Only the absolute essentials have been done, and Emily has
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  Speaker 1: been the focus of my attention. And I've loved that.
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  Speaker 1: She said something weird to me the other day. And
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  Speaker 1: I'm not quite sure if she chose the right word,
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  Speaker 1: because she used the word scared. I don't think that
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  Speaker 1: I'm scared ten year old daughter. But she said to me, Daddy,
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  Speaker 1: being able to spend all this time with you, I'm
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  Speaker 1: not scared of you anymore. I love spending time with you.
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  Speaker 1: I'm not sure that she meant scared, at least I'm
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  Speaker 1: hoping she didn't, because I mean, who knows how this
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  Speaker 1: sounds too fresh years on the podcast. I don't know,
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  Speaker 1: but I think what she was really saying was when
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  Speaker 1: we get to spend time together, we get to be
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  Speaker 1: comfortable and play, and there's no apprehension around whether I
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  Speaker 1: will or won't have to say goodbye to you. We
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  Speaker 1: just get to be together. I think that with the
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  Speaker 1: fly in fly out life that I live for or
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  Speaker 1: for worse, it creates a level of stress and apprehension
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  Speaker 1: in our kids because they know that I'm home, but
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  Speaker 1: that I'm going again, And so the steadiness of having her,
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  Speaker 1: even though she's been traveling.
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  Speaker 2: The routine, the routine changes all the time, and so
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  Speaker 2: their desperate need for consistency and their routine is turned
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  Speaker 2: upside down every time you leave or every time you
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  Speaker 2: come home. Like there's just there's no continuity for her
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  Speaker 2: in her life, and so when she uses those words,
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  Speaker 2: it's acknowledgment that she doesn't actually understand what's going to
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  Speaker 2: happen next. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, there's no ability for her
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  Speaker 2: to kind of really tap in and understand what the
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  Speaker 2: next hour looks like, let alone the next day or
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  Speaker 2: the next week, because it's changing all the time.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and we're being pretty transparent here. I mean, you've
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  Speaker 1: gone away to have a getaway. I've been left with
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  Speaker 1: the kids and it's really really, really hard. But one
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  Speaker 1: of the things that people might miss with our family,
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  Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know, I don't know whether I'm
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  Speaker 1: saying this right or not, but I'm the parenting expert. Right,
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  Speaker 1: We're supposed to have a perfect, happy family. Blah, blah bla.
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  Speaker 1: But it's not like that at all. The work that
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  Speaker 1: I've chosen to do creates an enormous level of pressure
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  Speaker 1: on you, and it creates a huge level of instability
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  Speaker 1: for our family. The great iron is, I'm out there
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  Speaker 1: telling everyone how to have happy families, and quite often
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  Speaker 1: the work that I do undermines our ability to give
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  Speaker 1: our kids the very thing that I'm promoting in every
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  Speaker 1: other family. It's a horrible, horrible challenge and a tremendous
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  Speaker 1: paradox that I live with on a daily basis, and
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  Speaker 1: something that's a real struggle. So I guess to take
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  Speaker 1: home messages. It's good for girls to get away, it's
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  Speaker 1: good for mums to be able to have a bit
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  Speaker 1: of a break without the pressure of the kids. It's
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  Speaker 1: a lot cheaper as well than taking the whole family.
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  Speaker 1: And it's been really challenging, but also really good for
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  Speaker 1: me to be able to have a different level of
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  Speaker 1: concentration and time with our kids. And you know, we've
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  Speaker 1: had some great times museums, science centers, and we've gone
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  Speaker 1: and visited galleries and been outside and played tag as,
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  Speaker 1: We've run around in parks and just just had experiences together.
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  Speaker 1: Eaten in cafes. It's been it's been really really fun,
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  Speaker 1: really really hard. Glad you're not taking an extra week.
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  Speaker 1: Can't wait to see you on Sunday Night.
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  Speaker 2: Is there a new found appreciation for everything I do?
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  Speaker 1: I've never stopped appreciating everything that you do. Gee, I
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  Speaker 1: wish that I could get you to take the kids
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  Speaker 1: on a week away and go on work and give
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  Speaker 1: talks and have a new found appreciation for everything that
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  Speaker 1: I do, and that that would be good.
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  Speaker 2: Well, if I could earn the big bucks, Joan, what
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  Speaker 2: you do, I'd.
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  Speaker 1: Do that, if only, if only so missus Happy Families.
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  Speaker 1: Enjoy your last forty eight hours away from the family.
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  Speaker 1: I hope that it goes really nicely. Looking forward to
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  Speaker 1: having you back in the studio on the podcast on Monday.
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  Speaker 2: See Sunday Night.
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  Speaker 1: Love You. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: If you'd like more information about making your family happier,
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: we'd love for you to visit us at Happy Families
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: dot com dot a nastert