Latest / Relationship Talk Thursday / Being Capable Vs Being Hyper Independent

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Being Capable Vs Being Hyper Independent · Relationship Talk Thursday

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  Speaker 1: It is Relationship Talk Thursday. I'm Sonya Blakey.
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  Speaker 2: So glad she's back. She's been with Inspiration 1390 for decades.
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  Speaker 1: Literally, I'm not lying. I'm not making it up. You know,
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  Speaker 1: I miss you all. And let me tell you something.
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  Speaker 1: One of the main places that people, when they see
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  Speaker 1: me on the street, they remember me from 1390. No
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  Speaker 1: matter where I go, they remember me from 1390. So
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  Speaker 1: this is dear and near to me. This is where
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  Speaker 1: the impact happens.
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  Speaker 2: Happens okay and so love excited about your brand new
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  Speaker 2: book train up a child i like what you put
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  Speaker 2: in the back of the book you said the most
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  Speaker 2: important relationship in your life is not the one you
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  Speaker 2: not the not the one you are in it is
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  Speaker 2: the one you grew up watching and the one that
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  Speaker 2: you experienced as a child So is this pretty much
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  Speaker 2: the premise of this book?
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  Speaker 1: It really is. It's not a book on parenting. It's
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  Speaker 1: a book on parenting yourself, the inner child that came
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  Speaker 1: to the conclusions because this book is all about not
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  Speaker 1: just the experiences that you had, but how you define
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  Speaker 1: the experiences that you had and the coping skills that
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  Speaker 1: you took away in order to manage what you thought
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  Speaker 1: you were experiencing. And so that's all important. And so
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  Speaker 1: we want to tackle it. You know, another scripture that's
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  Speaker 1: really important in this series is when I was a child,
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  Speaker 1: I thought as a child, I spoke as a child,
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  Speaker 1: I reasoned as a child. And when I became a man,
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  Speaker 1: I put away childish things. And a lot of times
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  Speaker 1: what we don't realize is as long as that inner
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  Speaker 1: child is running your adult relationships, it's going to be
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  Speaker 1: childish and immature and toxic because that child is running
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  Speaker 1: off of limited perspective off of trauma off of of
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  Speaker 1: of fear all of those things and none of that
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  Speaker 1: should be uh the foundation or the guiding of your relationships.
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  Speaker 2: All right love mcpherson and this particular show we want
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  Speaker 2: to explore hyper independence and the difference between being capable
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  Speaker 2: of standing alone and believing you have no safe choice
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  Speaker 2: but to do everything yourself hyper independence.
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  Speaker 1: You know, one of the things I go in the
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  Speaker 1: book in each chapter, I talk about different adults that
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  Speaker 1: may have formed from a specific experiences as a child.
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  Speaker 1: And a lot of times what hyper independence comes from
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  Speaker 1: is that you came to the conclusion that even though
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  Speaker 1: you called for help, nobody was coming. And you had
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  Speaker 1: to learn how to adjust knowing nobody's coming. And then
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  Speaker 1: you become an adult and somebody wants to come for you.
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  Speaker 1: Somebody wants to show up for you. But you still
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  Speaker 1: the inner child is still saying nobody's coming. So what
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  Speaker 1: do you do? No matter what you're in, you don't ask.
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  Speaker 1: You simply try to do it yourself. Now you show
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  Speaker 1: up for your friends. You are the strong one. Everybody
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  Speaker 1: knows you're the strong one. emotionally, you're not going to
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  Speaker 1: show up. You know why? Because that inner child never
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  Speaker 1: saw emotionally somebody come and show up for them. They
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  Speaker 1: were never trained how to show up emotionally. They were
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  Speaker 1: only trained on how to maybe fix something or, you know,
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  Speaker 1: you put out of your house or something. Let's go
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  Speaker 1: talk about this. Let's get this. Let's get... They are that,
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  Speaker 1: you know, they'll show up for that. But this is
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  Speaker 1: what you have to realize. Are you, you have to
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  Speaker 1: ask yourself, am I hyper independent because I am just in,
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  Speaker 1: this is my personality or this is my strategy, my
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  Speaker 1: survival skill that I have mastered. And when you do that,
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  Speaker 1: it affects all different types of your relationships. First of all,
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  Speaker 1: it affects your relationship with yourself because you don't believe
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  Speaker 1: that you're worth somebody stepping in for you. somebody fighting for,
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  Speaker 1: somebody showing up for. And because of that, you do
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  Speaker 1: it yourself. That's the innermost feelings that you're experiencing that
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  Speaker 1: you're having with yourself. The second thing is it affects
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  Speaker 1: you and your spouse because your spouse needs to feel significant.
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  Speaker 1: And if you get somebody and a spouse who really
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  Speaker 1: was that person who would step in for his family
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  Speaker 1: and then you erase their significance, that will be they
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  Speaker 1: will feel like, well, what am I here for? I'm
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  Speaker 1: not saying you have to be a damsel in distress,
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  Speaker 1: but I am saying that you don't have to play
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  Speaker 1: Adam and Eve. OK, let's let's let's let's spread spread
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  Speaker 1: it out. Let's let's let's stick with the Eve. Or
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  Speaker 1: even if you're an Adam who does not ask for help,
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  Speaker 1: even when you're suffering and your wife is your helpmeet,
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  Speaker 1: then that's a problem as well. Because a lot of
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  Speaker 1: times we think it's just hyper-independence is only women, but
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  Speaker 1: it can show up as a man as well. And
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  Speaker 1: so we need to say, oh, are you going to
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  Speaker 1: put your wife on the bench? Because the helpmeet is
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  Speaker 1: not the person that you is so kind, you is
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  Speaker 1: so wonderful, you is so... That's not what a helpmeet is.
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  Speaker 1: That is like that scripture is like when a lawyer,
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  Speaker 1: if you want legal help, you find a lawyer. If
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  Speaker 1: you want medical help, you find a doctor. If you
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  Speaker 1: won't help me, you find a wife. Okay. And so
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  Speaker 1: that is the amount of ability. But if you sideline her,
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  Speaker 1: if you sideline the people that are there for you,
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  Speaker 1: that's hyper independence and it's taking on. And guess what?
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  Speaker 1: It's going to show up also. in your relationship with God. Oh,
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  Speaker 1: that thought. Because he, okay.
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  Speaker 2: Love McPherson is with me on Relationship Talk Thursday.
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  Speaker 1: He has a brand new book that everybody needs to get.
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  Speaker 2: It's called Train Up a Child, Cutting to the Core
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  Speaker 2: to Heal Your Inner Child.
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  Speaker 1: Today we're talking about hyper independence.
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  Speaker 2: Is that somebody that just wants to control everything or
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  Speaker 2: have a say so in everything? Is that the type
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  Speaker 2: of person we're talking about today?
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  Speaker 1: Do you know what, when you say, is that somebody
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  Speaker 1: who wants to control everything? It almost sounds like that's
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  Speaker 1: kind of a negative thing. Sometimes people are trying to
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  Speaker 1: control because things were so out of control. So all
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  Speaker 1: of they're trying to do is create stability. They're trying
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  Speaker 1: to make sure out of control meant maybe somebody fighting.
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  Speaker 1: And punching somebody or somebody losing their house and you
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  Speaker 1: come home from school and all the stuff is on
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  Speaker 1: the sidewalk. So control does not always just encounter. I'm
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  Speaker 1: just this controlling person. Sometimes it's fear trying to manage.
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  Speaker 1: It's not managing correctly. But it can be fear trying
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  Speaker 1: to manage. So what I'm saying to you is with
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  Speaker 1: the hyper independence, yes, you are trying to control your stability.
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  Speaker 1: You are trying to control your future. And you know
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  Speaker 1: what you do? You don't trust somebody else to it.
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  Speaker 1: You don't trust that somebody else will guide you correctly. Why?
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  Speaker 1: Because you've never seen that. Even with God. Do you
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  Speaker 1: even believe that God will guide your life correctly? Will
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  Speaker 1: you submit to what he needs from you? Or are
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  Speaker 1: you so hyper-independent Christian until even though he is a
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  Speaker 1: present help in the time of need, you not even
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  Speaker 1: asking him? I have literally heard women say that, I
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  Speaker 1: heard one of them say, they said, you know, you
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  Speaker 1: can ask God for what you need. And she said,
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  Speaker 1: because nobody ever taught me that they would show up,
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  Speaker 1: I just decided I wasn't going to need.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. How can that push your spouse away, like when
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  Speaker 2: you have that type of mentality? You know what I'm saying?
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  Speaker 2: That happens in relationships. I can do it.
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  Speaker 1: I can handle it.
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  Speaker 2: So does that eventually push either spouse away?
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  Speaker 1: Absolutely, because you don't trust me. You don't trust me.
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  Speaker 1: And when you don't trust me, that's a connection thing.
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  Speaker 1: Connection is not just emotional. Connection is actually physical because
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  Speaker 1: what you do is you co-regulate. Just like when several
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  Speaker 1: women are in a room or in a household and
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  Speaker 1: their menstrual cycles co-regulate, they start happening at the same time.
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  Speaker 1: When the Bible talks about us becoming one, it is
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  Speaker 1: a co-regulation event physically. And so what happens is you
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  Speaker 1: refuse to align yourself physically. As one, why? Because you
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  Speaker 1: don't trust your partner. You don't trust them to help you.
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  Speaker 1: You don't trust them to be there for you. So
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  Speaker 1: what is a covenant if it's not that we are
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  Speaker 1: here together, we are in this together, we are going
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  Speaker 1: to manage it together, but when the finances are down,
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  Speaker 1: tight or when there's a struggle at the school with
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  Speaker 1: our children, if there is something that I need, that sickness,
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  Speaker 1: you refuse to help me. And I'm sitting here helpless,
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  Speaker 1: wanting to help you, wanting to show love to you,
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  Speaker 1: but you won't allow me. There's so much to talk
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  Speaker 1: about in this book. We ran out of time today, though.
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  Speaker 2: But Love McPherson will be back next Thursday, every Thursday.
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  Speaker 1: In the month of October.
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  Speaker 2: Love McPherson is with me talking about her brand new book,
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: Train Up a Child. Cutting to the Core to Heal
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  Speaker 2: Your Inner Child. Love McPherson, how can people get this book?
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  Speaker 2: You can go to my website. You go to shoplovemcpherson.com.
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  Speaker 2: That's shoplovemcpherson.com.
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  Speaker 1: All right, make sure you follow Inspiration 1390.
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: We're making this whole show, all the shows, into a podcast,
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  Speaker 2: so make sure you're following Inspiration 1390 so you can
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  Speaker 2: tap into all this goodness from relationship expert Love McPherson.
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  Speaker 1: Oh.