Latest / Healing Her Story with Riva Jean-Paul / Is My Friend Toxic or Am I Overreacting? | Friendship Fall Outs & Healing | A Heart to Heart With Amora Randall (Part I)

Transcript

Is My Friend Toxic or Am I Overreacting? | Friendship Fall Outs & Healing | A Heart to Heart With Amora Randall (Part I) · Healing Her Story with Riva Jean-Paul

• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Hello everyone.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to today's episode of the Healing Her Story podcast.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: I am, as always, just beaming with joy and with excitement and a little bit with anticipation for our conversation today.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: Today I have a very special guest, a former guest who has been on the show before.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: And this is not just any guest, if I'm being perfectly honest.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: This is my best friend, my dearest sister, and someone who has taught me so much about friendship, about relationships.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: She's truly one of the most authentic and real people that I have in my life right now.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I even have some, yeah, tears welling up behind my eyes as I say those words.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I brought her on today to have this conversation about female relationships because I have learned so much through our friendship.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: And both her and I have gone through similar experiences with female friendships.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I forget what year, I think it was maybe 2024, I think, when we kind of came into a deeper level of our friendship and we uh reconnected over a shared experience um around female relationships.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so today we are going to be exploring just the real unspoken pain and challenges that can come with female relationships.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: So I hope that you're ready for today's conversation.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm joined in this conversation by Amora.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: Amora is an ancestral resonance sound healer with over five years of experience guiding transformative sound journeys.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Through her beautifully woven sessions, she invites listeners to dive into clarity, realignment, and deeper connection with their higher guidance, as well as with the high vibrational ancestors who walk with us for our greatest good.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: Known as the goddess of light and sound, Amora's mission is to raise the vibration of the earth and support a shift in human consciousness.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: Her work is both cosmic and grounded.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: While she channels healing frequencies for adults in sacred spaces, she also brings sound and mindfulness practices to children in the Bay Area through after-school programs.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: Her focus on marginalized communities reflects her deep commitment to creating access to healing and empowerment for all.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: Whether she is holding ceremony, creative immersive soundscapes, or teaching the next generation to connect with their inner calm, Amora embodies the power of resonance to transform, uplift, and restore.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Amora, welcome back to the show.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: Hey.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_04: I forgot to put my earpiece in the middle.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, go ahead and put them in.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: Well, again, welcome back, Amora.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: So excited for today's conversation.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I know in your last episode we were more focused on how to be the parent you never had.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: And in that episode, you shared your story, um, really focused on your childhood experiences.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: And today, while I'm sure the childhood experiences are definitely coming to play in this conversation, I'm curious if you could tell us about your female friendship story today and um spirit of our theme for our conversation.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_04: So my friend, my uh female friendship story.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_04: I would say that about 40% um has been like loving supportive friendships, um, and about 60% have been opposite.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_04: And um I mean it's like continue to grow and to extend.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_04: Um I start to see that uh because I used to be this person that was uh just open arms and I wanted to be friendly with everyone, you know?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_04: And so because of the experiences that I've had uh throughout my life with these female friendships, um has taught me that less is more.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, that's something that we talk about a lot and um yeah, on the show and both in your and I conversations off of the show as well.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: And um yeah, it's it's a bit um disheartening to hear that over half of the female relationships that you have had have not been loving, supportive relationships.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I know that you're not alone in that.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: I see a lot of my clients um come to me most recently, um, yeah, sharing their challenges with female friendships and ruptures.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I know for me too, I I've had a very um, yeah, kind of, I want to say up and down, but I don't even think up and down is the best word to describe it because yeah, a lot of my, I mean, it's when I think back to my early friendships, like when I was a little girl, I definitely had female friendships where I felt connected and I felt safe to be who I was and to express myself.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I was bullied quite a bit as a little girl, um, but it was never from other girls, I will say.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: It was often from boys.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and now I'm kind of having a flashback of something that did happen when I was around 10.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and it was by a female, and she was so mean.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: She was one of my friend's uh big sisters, and the things that she did to us were just wow.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like I couldn't believe someone would do that to nine and 10-year-old girls, some of the things she was doing.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: And that's when I think the female relationships for me started to kind of change a little bit.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I would say that all through like middle school, I was pretty closely connected to female friends that I felt like supported me.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: And we mostly got into trouble, if I'm being honest.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: But we we had a good time getting into trouble.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: And um yeah, right when I got to to high school is where it started to get uh very catty.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I can think of one friend in particular who was supposed to be like my best friend, and she completely betrayed me.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I had would go on to have several more experiences like that um throughout high school, after high school, um, and then in recent years too.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: So I think I would have to agree with you.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: Unfortunately, I laugh, but um it is the reality, I think, that a lot of my female friendships haven't been um, yeah, they haven't been so great, haven't been so loving and supportive.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, unfortunately.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_04: Unfortunately, but you wouldn't, but or or should I say fortunately, right?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_04: Because if we would not have experienced those things, then we would not have learned the lessons, you know.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_04: They're they're all lessons, you know, and as long as you choose to learn from them, rather than to keep repeating the the story, right?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_04: You know, there's there's a lot of growth that can occur if you choose.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's it's both hand, right?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's it's disheartening, it's sad, um, it's frustrating on some levels, and um that contrast can be so clarifying, and it can really show us what we do and and don't want.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I've really leaned into that in the past year, too.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm wondering when when was like your most like your earliest meaningful female relationship?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_04: I would say I think I was in about second or third grade.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_04: Um, I was living in Sacramento, and I had a friend named Diana, and my sisters and I, we called her little white Diana.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_04: We didn't know that that was racist back then, right?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_04: But she was my dog, okay?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_04: Like, for real.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_04: Like we would go to her house and she had like a big yard and her parents were cool, you know, with no like weird stuff going on.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, and we were just kids, like she didn't look at me like different, you know, because of my skin color or you know, just like mean to me or anything, but she was my she was my girl, and I I wish I find her kidding, like, hey girl, how you doing?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_04: But you know, yeah, yeah, she's my my earliest childhood memory.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, beautiful.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: Shout out to Diana for that early childhood memory.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think we have to celebrate those moments too, right?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think my earliest um meaningful female relationship, I was pretty young.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: I was maybe, I think we were we were very close from like I would say, like my brother was born when I was around six, so probably around like five, all the way up until I think I moved to Puerto Rico, which was about uh about nine years old.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and her name's is Christina, and um she went by Christy, and she was one of my um dad's friends' daughters.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: My dad was in the Navy, and so in the Navy, there is generally a pretty tight-knit community, and um, it was one of his friends from from the military, uh, from the Navy.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so, yeah, I think there was that bond between our parents, which allowed us to kind of like have that bond between us.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: And there's one memory that just came through.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: One time we were at uh my house, this is when I was living in Southern California, and we we both had to go to the bathroom, like go pee like at the same time, and we came up with this idea to like go pee at the same time on the toilet.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, I feel like we probably made a mess, but it's just like that's how close we were.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's like we're like, oh, we'll just we'll just pee at the same time.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_04: Why it was like I saw that image before you said it.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's a bit embarrassing, but it's so real, and that's I feel like just like you know, one of the beauties of childhood is like things like that.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: They're just so innocent, right?
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like it just like it just made sense to us.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like instead of arguing who's gonna go, let's just both go at the same time.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, I love that, I love that, and you know, I feel like at the end of the day, like that's what women want.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_04: Like, we want to have those close, tight-knit relationship, best friends, you know.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_04: Um and just people who love you and see you and honor you in in all of your mess, you know.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_04: Absolutely, that's all we want.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, we as humans are biological creatures, we need other humans for our own health and well-being.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel like women, well, it's not necessarily something that I feel, it's something that has been proven by research is that female um women and females need these strong social connections more so than than men.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so, yeah, it's really, really important, as you were saying, to have relationships where we feel seen, where we feel heard, where we feel understood and and fully accepted for who we are.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I feel like that's like one of like the greatest parts of like community and sisterhood, you know.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_04: Um because they and I this this is something that I've been saying for years, but it's like you know, your your sisters, um they help you to see yourself when you can't, you know, and help you to remember who you are when you don't remember when you're so deep down in your darkness, you know.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: You're great at that.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_04: You really are you know, all I want is right, and all I want is just that in exchange, and like, and you literally give that to me, and like I forever thank you for that because you know it has not been the easiest journey, but when you can grow through things together and reach higher heights together, yes, girl, yes, curious, yes, absolutely.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_03: We have come a long way.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: We have, yeah.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna talk more about that.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, before we do, I'm I'm curious.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, did you have any role models for female friendships as a little one?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, I did not have any role models.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, my mom did not have a lot of friends, um which seemed odd to me, and like even now, like my mom doesn't have any friends.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_04: Um I mean, she has had friends like throughout her life, you know.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_04: Um but I find that you know that is the case because there's a lot of healing that needs to be done, you know.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_04: Um and I mean, you know, kind of this singer back, and you know, it just it just is what it is, you know.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_04: That's her story, right?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_04: And we're talking about healing her story, so this is my story.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_04: Um but yeah, so I didn't have any examples.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_04: Um it was literally me just like learning as I went.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_04: I just I just learned as I went and um I learned a lot of lessons, a lot of hard lessons, and yet I'm thankful for those lessons because it made me who I am today.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_04: And um, yeah, yeah.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: I find that so interesting because I didn't have any role models for female friendships either.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: I do feel like my mom had friends and she had very few friends, and even now as an adult, same thing.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: My mom has very few friends, and um yeah, I think I think she I think a part of her thinks she likes it that way.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to project my um beliefs of you know how I think she should be living her life.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: I do find it interesting though that um neither one of us really saw healthy female relationships being modeled.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and something I think um, yeah, listeners to consider for those who do have little ones or who are considering having little ones, or who maybe like you and I work with little ones, like how can we create those um examples of what a healthy female friendship is?
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because especially when we're at that age, we learn through uh mostly through observation.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um, there is a degree of learning that is done obviously through through teaching um and you know, speaking to, and um, so much of it is learned through through what is being watched because the nervous system is just absorbing every little thing.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_01: And so if we're not actually getting a chance to see what healthy female friendships look like, then it seems like it would be challenging to create them as you get older.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_04: You know, um what I did want to add in is that um although I did not have any examples or any role mat role models of uh female relationships, what I do remember is um we would go to my aunt's house or our house or something, some family member's house, and we would uh there would be some party, you know, the adults they're talking, but they were always like catty, gossiping.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_04: So that is what I did learn.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, okay.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for sharing that because I feel like unfortunately, that is a lot of what happens in female relationships, and yeah, we can start to talk a little bit more about kind of how we got to where we are in our female friendship because uh I know we weren't always here, and um yeah, I'm curious.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like I would be really curious to hear your um side of the story as as to far as how we met.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_04: So how we met, um I was just getting into like throwing events, right?
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_04: Um what was like it was in the in the beginning stages of it, and I was collaborating um with two women, and uh I went into sunlight of the spirit, and I was like, Oh yeah, I'm posting this thing, you know, I think sound healing, one of the girls.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_04: She's like, Do you know Riva?
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, Who's Riva?
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_04: She's like, Oh my goodness, you need to know Reba.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_04: Like, she does the same thing as you do, like you like your energy is like very similar, you should totally meet her.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_04: And so I don't know, like if I reached out to you or something just to say, like, hey, you know, I heard about you, you know, hosting this event or whatever, or I don't even think that I told you I was hosting an event, but you came to the event, and I was like, Oh, that's so cool, she came.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_04: And then from there was uh, I think you asked me to like come and collaborate with you on um on an event that you were hosting, and we collaborated a couple times, and then we just started to like like develop our relationship, and um and then I started to do I think maybe like about a year later or something, yeah.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_04: It was about a year later, and that's when I started to do uh the Ascension Sound journey.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_04: And you were deep in your breath work, and I was like, oh my goodness, like I have this vision, and like how my mind works, like when it comes to events.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_04: Uh like spirit shows me um what I'm supposed to do, who I was supposed to do it with, how I'm supposed to do it, where I'm supposed to, all the who went where why how, right?
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_04: And I was shown that there was supposed to be breath work with the sound healing, which is something that I never personally experienced, other than collaborating with you, right?
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_04: And it was just like, oh my goodness, like it was literally like the icing on the cake, and like just thinking back, like compared to how we first started leading up to the last event that we hosted for the fall equinox, and the feedback was I'm still getting feedback.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, I'm just I I forever thankful to be able to walk through this journey with you because of course you know, like we can do a lot by ourselves, we can shine bright and all the time, but it's like when when you come together in community, and I'm talking about people who are available to see you and to see themselves, that's the key right there, yeah, if you can see yourself because I feel like that's where a lot of these female relationships go wrong is because someone is not available to see themselves.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: Right, and then what happens projection, yes, yes, yes, which we will yes explore.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: We're working our way there.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that story was so nice to hear your side of the story, and uh I don't know that there's much else I would share.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_01: I think that sounds pretty accurate to me.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like I would tell it in a very similar way.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I honestly can't remember how I found out about the event.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, but I was very much in a space of like wanting to connect and collaborate.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I had just started hosting women's circles and you know, exploring sound healing and and things of that nature.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_01: And uh yeah, I do remember being very drawn to the event.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, that is what I do remember.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I do remember the woman who was working at Sunlight of the Spirit, her name's Chrissy, and she was on my Huluhoop troop that I ran for many years.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_01: So shout out to Chrissy.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: She's listening.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you all.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you all.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I haven't talked to her in quite some time.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think, you know, we life takes us all in our own different directions.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: And um yeah, yeah, well, wonderful.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for for sharing that story.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's nice to just remember and reconnect with um kind of how we started.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm curious if there was like a moment where um there was like where you knew that like we were more than just like people who just collaborated together, that there was like a deeper friendship, sisterhood there.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_04: Hmm.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_04: I would say the way that I felt with you, you know, the way that I felt with you is felt I felt very safe.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_04: I felt very safe.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_04: I felt seen.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_04: I felt like my gifts and my light was valued.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_04: And I I really love that you allowed me the space to take up space, even um in the events that you were hosting, you know?
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_04: Um, because sometimes it could be like, hey, I'm queen, you don't shine brighter than me, right?
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_04: But that's not what your energy was in like, and I I I really, really appreciated that.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_04: Um I will say that as we actually, you know what, we're gonna get into that part of the story.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_04: So I'm gonna leave that right there.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_04: Okay.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_04: I felt seen, safe, supported, and appreciated all the things.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_04: Wonderful.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm I'm happy that you felt that.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I feel like I've definitely been growing into, you know, being a good friend.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, not to say that I was ever like a bad friend.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_01: I think that for me, I can, I think just like anyone, I we can get wrapped up in our own world and our own experience.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_01: And we don't always see how our actions are affecting other people.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: And so I've always been um on a journey of just maybe not always, but um more recent years, been on a journey of just being mindful, um, being aware.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_01: And um, yeah, I'm just glad that you felt that in our friendship.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_01: And it was clearly something that I felt too, because here's here's where we can start to transition a little bit, because inevitably in any relationship, there's always going to be conflict.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: And conflict is okay.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like there's nothing wrong with having conflict.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I used to, and not to say that I'm like I've mastered conflict resolution by any means.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm always still learning.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and you know, I used to think that I kind of avoided conflict sometimes.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: And in more recent years, I've come to understand, and especially through our friendship, that it's not about the conflict, it's about how the conflict is handled and how we come back into connection after the conflict.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I know that our first conflict, what I what I think was our first conflict.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: So tell me if I'm um incorrect.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but it was it was around a collaboration.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_01: I was hosting a retreat, and um, you know, let's just say that retreat was for any of the previous, oh my goodness, it was a bit of a shit show, I'll be honest.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think any of the guests realized everything that we were dealing with behind the scenes, they did know a little bit, um, but there was a lot happening just to give a little bit of context.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um I had hired a chef to come and cater that weekend, and this person um did not show up um after I had paid them, um, didn't really give me any sort of communication.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so, needless to say, as the person who's going to be cooking the meals for three days for a group of, you know, 10 to 12 women, um, it definitely threw uh a kink in our plans.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so there was a lot of um scrambling and a lot of people having to kind of like step up and and fill roles like me and the woman who I was coasting with, who I also no longer speak to, um, we had to wind up cooking breakfast and go to the store.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so everyone's kind of like, okay, shit, okay, well, people are here.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_01: Let's come together, let's let's do the best we can with what we have.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_01: And um, without getting into all of the details, I think what led to our conflict was a miscommunication or rather a lack of communication, which is something that I take full responsibility for as I was just sort of newly stepping into that leadership role.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and now I'm like an over-communicator, as you probably know now.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_01: Communicated.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's helpful.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's helpful.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_01: Communication is everything, and I always harp that in my my um my romantic relationship, my marriage.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_01: And so I don't know why I was never prioritizing that in my my friend groups as well.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so this lack of communication uh left led to um kind of a misunderstanding or just a lack of clarity, and I had had some expectations around you um doing something at a certain time, and uh you did not do that, and um I felt some type of way about it, and so that was kind of our first conflict, and I remember going getting through the weekend, and the weekend was fine, and it was after the weekend where um I spoke to you and I let you know how I felt.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_01: And the fact that I let you know how I felt already says that I felt safe enough to be honest with you about what I was feeling.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_04: I felt that in my whole body would be too.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_04: Me too.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and the what what I found so just um, I don't know what the word I'm looking for, beautiful, meaningful, I think would be the better word.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um, is that when I told you how I felt, you met me with accountability, you met me with understanding, um, you didn't get defensive, you didn't put your walls up, you kept those walls down, and we were able to have um a conversation about what had happened.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I do think that um, and here's where I'll kind of turn it over to you.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe um I didn't really think about like how that made you feel.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so I think after that conversation, it did create a shift in our relationship and we did kind of separate for a little bit because yeah, I I made you not that I made you feel, but the the whole experience, the whole situation, um, you know, it brought up some stuff for both of us.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, it most definitely did.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to talk about what it brought up for you?
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_04: So I want to tell the story.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_04: So you know, I'm like, oh my god, I'm going to medicine, bringing this treaty and so much fun, everything.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_04: And I was dating this guy at the time.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_04: And I gave him very specific instructions.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_04: And you know, while you're on retreat, it's you know, you have to be available, right?
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_04: There's no side conversations on your phone, like you're present, right?
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_04: Because you're being paid to be there, correct?
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_04: Um, or these people have paid for for your time, your attention, uh, your medicine, right?
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_04: And so I was I gave him very specific instructions.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_04: He did not follow the instructions.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_04: And so as I was there on retreat, um Spirit told me that he was cheating on me.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: I remember that.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_04: And it was devastating because I would have never thought.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_04: And I I didn't have the intention to show up in that way, you know, because I didn't I didn't know, you know?
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_04: Um but it was just it was so like catastrophic for me, you know?
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, and it's like, and I'm supposed to be here and like show up as the sound healer and all this stuff, right?
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_04: And it was it was challenging for me to do, and so um I did see myself and uh where I was lacking and how I did not show up because I had to show up for myself, yeah.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_04: And there was a time like when you came in to check on me, hey, how are you doing, you know?
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_04: And then in my mind, you know, after we had the whole conversation and everything, I was like, Oh, well, if that was me, I would have did this, but it's like but she's not you, you know, and it's like you know, like you did come and check up on me, um, you did clearly communicate, and so I appreciate that.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_04: Did it make me feel some kind of way, hell?
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, it did, yes it did, yeah, and I just I appreciate the spite you know having the situation happen because of course, you know, like in this space you have literally everything planned out, and so if something doesn't come, if if something doesn't go as planned, then you need a plan B.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, right?
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_04: And so it's like it's a it's a lot like doing retreat.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_04: It's a lot, it's a lot, yeah.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_04: So I just appreciate that you did come and talk to me and tell me how you felt.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_04: And although it did create the divide in the relationship, um, there was a time even after that we were like in the same, we're not necessarily collaboration, but kind of like in the same face that yoga moves us in the park.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_04: And I just remember doing my sound healing and like and I can feel your energy, and I was like, I miss her so much.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_04: And like, and I could feel your energy, like you were giving me that energy as well.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_04: But I didn't say anything, you know.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_04: I just I just let it be what it was, you know.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_04: Um, and then eventually we came back together.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_04: I don't even how did that how did that even how did we even come back together?
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_01: I I don't know.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, first of all, thank you for for sharing.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um, yeah, kind of how that made you feel.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_01: I have some tears coming up right now because like I'm hearing this and like I like I wish I would have been more compassionate with you about like where you were in that moment.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_01: I was so just kind of like tunnel visioned on like the retreat and like the success of the retreat and um giving myself so much grace in that.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know that like um I'm not saying it I reacted in a wrong way, but just being able to hear and see myself and how I played a role in that situation.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, yeah, I wish I would have brought in like even just a touch more compassion and and understanding and um yeah, kind of work with you a little bit more in that weekend.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and that's okay.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I didn't have capacity for that.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_01: I was in like full fight or flight to try to make this weekend happen.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_04: Because you also had the situation with a girl who was like who's all the kitchen cooking?
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_04: It was like there was there was so much growth that happened from that situation.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_04: I will say that there was a girl there, and I'm not gonna say her name, but I was like, and her energy was just kind of like was off, and I was like, I'm gonna say something to her, and I said, uh I'm not about to give my energy away with this girl.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_04: There you go.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not gonna do that, but I'm saying the old version of me, that shadow version of me was like, you can catch the hand.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, but I'm like, but it's like what is that gonna accomplish?
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_04: That you just you just gave her all your energy, you know.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_04: But it's just it's it's interesting being around women.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_04: It's like we crave that divine feminine connection, and yet there's people and spaces and places who portray to be this divine feminine and um be this safe space and this person of love and light and healing, and yet their shadow is here, you know, and once again they're not available to see themselves, they're not available to see themselves, it's the projection, and so that's why you know I was getting that energy from the girl, you know, and then I started to see it over time like, oh yeah, it is not me, it's not me, and um, but I do send her love and healing.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_04: I I sincerely send every woman that I have ever had a connection with, and if I've ever had a connection with a woman and I called you my sister or my friend, and I think that I loved you, I meant that shit, like deeply meant it, despite me being separated from people still have love for them, despite yeah, you're you're great at that choosing that radical love.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um also learning that from you too.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_04: So I'd be like, I'd be like, I'll be like, look, and if y'all, I'm Pisces, and if you know anything about Pisces, it's like we are full of love.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_04: So it's like, yeah, like I mean, there that's a sign that's like when you mess around, you find out kind of situation.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_04: Because I could be this love, you know, this deep space holder, and I love you deeply.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_04: But once you show me who you are the first time, I'm going to believe you.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_04: And if you don't believe a person, they show you who they are the first time, you're putting yourself in the bag.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_04: And so there's going to be a situation that happens, and you're gonna be like, Oh my goodness, I wish I would have listened.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_04: So it's like you can have all of this love with me one day, and then the next minute you show me yourself, and I pull my energy away, and it's it's devastating.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's devastating because we got a lot of love to give our whole life, yeah, and also it's it's important to um to be discerning, you know, about who who gets that love.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, absolutely.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_01: Well, um, yeah, I I know you had kind of shared you couldn't remember how we came back into connection, and I don't know that I can remember either, but I think what I what I feel like is what happened is that you know, in this separation, you had gone through your experience and I had gone through my experience.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um we'll talk a little bit more about that.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_01: And we it's funny we didn't, it's not like it's not like we trauma bonded.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's not like you hit me up and we're like this happened, and I hit you up and I was like, This happened.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's like we just somehow, like unconsciously, like I don't know if we just started texting or voice noting or like what it was, but you had moved out to Vallejo and you invited me to go to the botanical gardens one day.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_01: You did, yeah.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_01: So I drove out to Vallejo, we went to the botanical gardens, we like some witchy shit.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_01: I think we like put put some spell jars, like and we went to we went back to your place and um we did a sound, uh you you did a sound healing, and um, yeah, we just did that meditation together, and like in that moment, like I was just moved to tears because like I I could see you for who you were so clearly in that moment, and I think I opened my eyes and I was crying, and I told you I was like, I see you, and um, yeah, I feel like that's where we really we were able to come back into that place of of love.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, thank you.
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_04: Oh my goodness, I remember that.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_04: I totally remember that.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_04: Like the day of the botanical garden was just like so magical, and it's like, look, if I take you to my happy place, that means that you are my girl, period.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_04: And I've only taken like two people there.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_04: You and what's my girl's name?
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_04: She lived in Kuwait.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_04: Uh wow.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_04: Oh my goodness.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_04: Top Lizzie.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_02: Lizzie, hey Lizzie, Lizzie, hey Lizzie.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_02: I met her amount.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_04: She has had a retreat.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_04: She came back with me.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_04: We went to, we went, we went to um, we went to um to the botanical garden.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_04: Um, it was just so the beach, it was just so beautiful.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_04: But yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_04: I remember us reconnecting that way, and then we just stayed in connection, you know, and you're right, like it wasn't that we trauma bonded over our very similar, it was just it was so wild that the similar that the situations were so similar, yes, and I was like, what is happening here?
• 41:03
  SPEAKER_04: And excuse me, Clearing.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_04: Um, but it was just it was really beautiful to be able to have that support, you know, and to actually like have someone who enter and overstands what I had experienced, and it was like we held space for each other.
• 41:23
  SPEAKER_04: It wasn't going deep down and it was her fault, and this was what she did, and that it wasn't even that.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_04: It was us having conversations and being able to see ourselves and to see them, and being able to extend that grace to them, and despite what happened, not being like, Oh, we'll bump y'all, whatever, but like coming from this place of like I truly wish healing for them and and still do, and still do.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I don't I don't know if I was there right away.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm just trying to heal myself.
• 41:59
  SPEAKER_00: I guess we can talk about these situations now, yeah.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, yeah, I know that like yeah, it was really wild, like you said, how similar the situations were, and I think neither one of us were talking about it for a while, and then like I think you know, maybe you opened up a little bit, and then I opened up, and then we're like, wait a minute.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_04: Right, like this day was the same thing.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, because it was because that girl, I was like, I said I knew it was something about her.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I said I did not like her energy, yeah, and I just I could not connect with her, yeah.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_04: And I was like, I said, and I love everybody, so I know it's not me.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_04: And it was like, oh, okay, like that's like her own thing, you know.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_04: Um, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, and I thought it was like, oh, go ahead.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I was just gonna say that um, you know, specifically with this, um, I guess I'll kind of give some more context to the situation, but um, essentially I was working with um two other women.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_01: Uh we were I I was hosting retreats and I brought them in to collaborate on the retreats that I was hosting.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_01: Let's get that clear.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_01: And um, yeah, we had formed this, what I thought was a really special bond.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, we had this nice trio going and we're making plans to like do retreats internationally and out of Northern California, and things were flowing and feeling really good.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_01: And there was talk about um me potentially renting space at one of them.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, one of them has an office, and so uh there was talk about me moving into the office and seeing my clients there, and you know, we're working together, and mind you, one of the women was also someone who, you know, supported me with body work and also helped uh source uh my psilocybin.
• 43:57
  SPEAKER_01: And so they played a big role in my life um at that point.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um and yeah, I I I had thought we were very close.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I felt very close to these women.
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_01: And as time went on, um, well, first of all, there was always little signs.
• 44:17
  SPEAKER_01: And there were many times where you know we would have a conversation and I would leave the conversation feeling confused, not feeling seen, not feeling understood.
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we would be in conversation, I would say something, and the response that I would get back like wasn't like the right response.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_01: Not that there's a right and a wrong, but like you're like, wait, what?
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's not really what I said.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't think you're understanding me.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_01: So that happened a lot.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I just ignored it.
• 44:50
  SPEAKER_01: I thought, oh, maybe it's just social awkwardness and tendencies, and like you, I'm a I'm a very, I used to be a very open person that just, you know, gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and just allowed anyone into my space.
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_01: And then as things began to sort of culminate as we began to um, first of all, get more successful as the retreat started to pick up, um, you know, more money started being made, um, more people started coming in.
• 45:22
  SPEAKER_01: And um, there was this buildup to doing a retreat in Mexico.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I was under the impression that we would stick with the same model that we had had, where you know, I was the leader, because usually when there is a group, there is usually a leader because.
• 45:37
  SPEAKER_01: That is how things kind of work in an efficient way.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_01: And long story short, um, I was excluded from this retreat that they um they, the two other women without me behind my back, went and started planning this whole other retreat and completely cut me out of the equation and did it all behind my back.
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_01: And when I was invited to have a conversation about it, it wasn't a conversation like you or I are having now, where it's two equals, two people who love each other, who people two people who respect each other, um, having like an honest and real conversation about each other's needs and dreams and desires and wishes.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I was met with uh, you know, you this, you that, you this, you that, you this, you that, you that, you like it was all my fault.
• 46:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and there was a lot of projection happening.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I was being told um to slow down, to take better care of myself when I know damn well that I try my damnedest to slow down and take care of myself every single day.
• 46:48
  SPEAKER_04: Hold on, I have to say that one thing that I've always admired about you is how you take care of yourself.
• 46:53
  SPEAKER_01: So when you told me that, I was confused and like what it was a projection, and projection is when someone um they act like you are the problem when really the things that they are communicating to you are things about themselves.
• 47:14
  SPEAKER_01: So while this person is telling me in a very um antagonistic manner, um, you need to slow down, you need to take better care of yourself.
• 47:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um she was talking about herself.
• 47:29
  SPEAKER_01: She wasn't talking about me.
• 47:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, I felt very attacked.
• 47:37
  SPEAKER_01: I felt very caught off guard in the situation, and I told her that.
• 47:40
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I feel very caught off guard, and then she proceeded to gaslight me and told me not that what I was feeling was wrong.
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um yeah, things started to really unravel after that.
• 47:53
  SPEAKER_01: There were several more conversations that I tried to initiate to repair, like you and I had done.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_01: And this person was not able to repair.
• 48:03
  SPEAKER_01: This person continued to say that it was all my fault, um, that I used her, that I took advantage of her, that I was a terrible friend, that I treated her like shit.
• 48:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and just started to like bring up things from the past that like, you know, you said this.
• 48:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what?
• 48:18
  SPEAKER_01: I never said that.
• 48:19
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, no, yes, you did.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_01: So just basically gaslit me.
• 48:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so again, walked away feeling very confused, so confused.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I started doubting myself.
• 48:30
  SPEAKER_01: And that is what perpetrators do.
• 48:33
  SPEAKER_01: They gaslight you to make you think that you're not you're not remembering things correctly or that like you did something wrong.
• 48:40
  SPEAKER_01: That is part of the way that they tried to manipulate and gain power in the situation.
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I completely fell victim to it, not really understanding what was happening.
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_01: And it completely rattled um my nervous system, just completely rattled me.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember you and I talking um as all of this is happening.
• 49:00
  SPEAKER_01: And at that point, I had moved into her office space, and I was telling you, like, I gotta get the fuck out.
• 49:06
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta get the fuck out.
• 49:08
  SPEAKER_01: And for about a month, I finished seeing um a client who was on a program there.
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I knew as soon as I was done with that program that I had to leave.
• 49:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and it took a lot of courage um to muster up the strength to do that.
• 49:23
  SPEAKER_01: I initially wrote a letter and was just gonna drop off the letter with my keys and just call it that.
• 49:28
  SPEAKER_01: And then when I went to go drop off the letter, she was there unexpectedly, and so I had no choice but to um, yeah, to speak to her face.
• 49:35
  SPEAKER_01: And even in those final moments, I was still being gaslit and told that what I was feeling was wrong.
• 49:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Well, that's that.
• 49:48
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, love, I hope you're enjoying today's conversation.
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_01: We're going to pause the conversation here and continue with the rest of this conversation in part two of the episode.
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_01: So I invite you to return back in the next couple of weeks for our part two of this conversation.
• 50:09
  SPEAKER_01: And we look forward to continuing this discussion with you then.