Latest / The Salty Pastor / Toxicity or Growth? [Ep. 136]

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Toxicity or Growth? [Ep. 136] · The Salty Pastor

• [00:00:00] The conflict can become toxic or it can help you grow. You get to choose, choose good skills to resolve conflicts. And what you'll always see in the end is growth. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Salty Pastor Podcast, a podcast dedicated to teaching you how to critically think for yourself. The world wants to tell you how to think and tell you to basically turn your brain off and just do what we say. But we here at the Salty Pastor Podcast are here to guide you in discovering how to think for yourself so that you may grow, deepen your understanding and your beliefs, because when you are making the choice, when you are figuring out why you believe something on your own. You then internalize it in and invent it as your own, and you have a confidence that is unlike anything else in the world. So we are here to be your guides. We can't do the work for you, but we'll be your along your side. As you go through this journey called [00:01:00] life. And my name is Jesse Maher. I'll be your host. And we can't do the Salty Pastor Podcast without the salty Pastor himself, Dr. Douglas Peake. And that would be me greetings everyone. So glad that you're here today, we are helping you understand the strength of your convictions. And that's what this. Kind of podcast is all about. So on Tuesday we discussed the biblical teachings on placing value on our relationships and how to make every effort in being unified in them. Right. And so today we need to discuss why it's so important to be unified in your most important relationships. Well, the biblical, so those that we discussed, you know, in studying Ephesians chapter four, which is, uh, right in the middle. Kind of right at the halfway point of the letter that Paul wrote to the Ephesians. And basically he laid out that we need to make every effort to preserve the bond of [00:02:00] unity. In this applies to all of the relationships that he talks about after he writes this. So we need to make every effort to preserve the bond of unity in our spiritual community. Uh, with Jesus, with ourselves and with our family, with our marriages, if you're married, uh, and every thing about all of these life relationships, we need to place high value on them. Now, I think this teaching is very important for today because you live in a post-modern society. So basically the cultural values of the society in which you live today. Are based upon philosophical postmodernism. And what's interesting about postmodernism. If you'd really like to dig into it, you can go back and listen to What in the Sam Hill modernism. Yeah. And I think that's episode 1 0 4. All the ones. The Sam Hill episodes are 1 0 2, 1 0 4, 1 0 [00:03:00] 6, 1 0 8. Okay. So it's all the even numbers in that first hundred. Okay, so ma like 1 0 4, 1 to six, listen to the one called what in the Sam Hill is postmodernism and postmodernism is basically moral relativism and there is no truth. There's no objective truth. And so you can make up whatever morals are good for you basically. Right. Well, the interesting thing of this is that the outcome of moral relativism is always. Destructive to every relationship you have. This is what's so interesting. Postmodernism says there are no absolutes. However, postmodernism absolutely has the same outcome in our relationships. And that's destruction. Um, so I find that fascinating. And the reason why is because moral relativism erases the container [00:04:00] in which all relationships develop and thrive. See, in order for you as a human being, to have a relationship with another human being. Now that relationship can take different forms. You can have a familial relationships, you can have friend ships, you can have coworker relationships, uh, teammate relationships, uh, romantic, intimate relationships, parent- child, grandparent, grandchild relationships, but what's fascinating is all of those relationships have to occur within a container. You see, and what postmodernism does is it, he erases the container. Container consists of commonalities, like a common language, you know, uh, common values, common virtues. And what postmodernism does is denies that any of those things exist. Therefore, [00:05:00] what it ends up doing is that it destroys the context of all relationships that, uh, is needed for them to develop and thrive. And if you doubt me on this, this is the premise, the underlying unspoken point of every zombie movie or zombie story you have ever heard. How so? Well, what it does is the whole premise of the zombie genre is what are human beings like when all societal constraints are removes, are all gone. When the rules are all gone. Yeah. All the rules. And so what happens is the enemies in every zombie story, you know, the walking dead fear, the walking dead zombie land. I mean, it just goes, yeah, all of those types of things. And that is, is that the, the antagonist, the evil person, the bad guy. In the movie is not the zombies. It's the [00:06:00] person that doesn't adhere to a common morality. The protagonist wrestles with struggles with, and always discovers their humanity. Well, what is the humanity that they discover? Well, they have rules. You see, and you see this in every store. I mean, basically every zombie movie always basically ends with the monster was never the zombies. It was the other, it was humanity, you know, which is a very bleak outlook. But I mean, it's usually, yes, usually it starts off with, oh my gosh we are in a zombie apocalypse. But by the end of it's not them fighting the zombies. That's them fighting other human, who is, been bucking the rules, killing people for no reason, just taking what they want, whatever. And those are the ones that you end up having the big, final battle with. So, yeah. And, and the underlying story to the struggle, the drama in it is always, how do we rebuild society? And the struggle is always, we have to [00:07:00] have a commonality. A common morality. So it's, it's hilarious to me that the most postmodern people out there, which are Hollywood writers, uh, always write with a contradiction of their own philosophy every single time. And so, and the issue is this, how can you be friends with the person who has no moral consistency? How do you be friends with a person who says, I, one moment I'll be loyal to you and take care of you. The next moment, I'll cut your arm off and steal your stuff. Right. You know, there's zero trust. There's zero compatibility. There's zero alignment of values and goals. There's zero. Everything. You can't be friends with that. They become an enemy, right? Uh, how can you be friends or how can you be married to a person who thinks like a postmodern person? You can't. The person says, well, this is who I am, because this is who I think I am. And I'm creating a [00:08:00] narrative that reinforces the illusion I have created about myself. And you're like, dude, I'm, you know, I'm married to you. Whether you're a guy married to a gal, or a gal married to a guy. I say, who you think you are, is not who you really are. And that incongruence is driving me crazy today. It's really fascinating. Is that what women really talk about who are dating a lot is that they call it, you know, uh, I dated a raging narcissist. I re I date, you know, it's all about narcissism. Narcissism. Narcissism is the big, hot thing right now for young single women that are discussing and trying to find men. And what they don't realize is that men aren't really narcissists. They're misdiagnosed. The, the men are post-modern, it's a postmodernism. The outcome is always the same, which is narcissism. Because the only truth that matters is whose truth? Your own, your own. So postmodernism always results in the same outcome. And what happens is [00:09:00] parenting is eradicated. Eradicated, and postmodern. And what's happening today, is that the reason why you need to make every effort to preserve the bond of unity in your life is because you live in a postmodern society. The second reason is because the government policies that are enacted, actually oppose healthy relationships. Now, some people believe and teach that it is a intentional conspiracy of the government to do this. Uh, some people believe that it was started with good intentions and it's gone off the rails. It doesn't really matter. You know, uh, whether it's intentional or unintentional, if it's based on a post-modern philosophical construct. And because of that, it always has the same outcome, no matter what you think, what you say, it always ends up in the same place. And that is like LGBTs a war on poverty. This war on poverty started in the [00:10:00] sixties. And what it basically did is it enacted all of these social programs from the government that has destroyed the family, particularly among the working class poor. And minorities, Hispanics and blacks. Uh, basically what it did is through welfare and food stamps and all of these things did, is it incentivized having children in order to get more money while disincentivizing marrying, and creating intact families. So whether it was intentional or not, it's irrelevant because the impact of this has been amazing prior to the war on poverty. Uh, the rate of children in the black community, born to single parents was under 20%. So it was a little bit higher than the working class poor, but the working class poor was like 14, 15%. And [00:11:00] then black families is like probably 18, 19%. So it was pretty close. There was a lot of parody there. Well, today over 70% of black children are born in single home families. So what is this a direct result of? Are we seeing those stats in other families? Like, are we seeing that in, you know, poor white families or in working class and poor it's upwards of 50% as well. It's pretty universal that these it's, you know, we see this stuff happen in this particular, um, group, but it's basically that, that demographic as a whole, as far as your social economic status, right. And the number one outcome of single parent families is poverty. Hmm. And secret compare, they struggle with poverty more than any one else. And what's fascinating is that the war on poverty has done what? It's incentivized the construct, the [00:12:00] container, right, of poverty. So, uh, so what's happened is regardless of the intent, that is the factual outcome that we see 60 years later. Okay. Uh, and so the only time that that changed and we saw those demographics start to change is in the late nineties when, during the Clinton administration, uh, when they actually passed the, the most advanced welfare reform, that they ever had, but that was quickly dismantled, you know, in the next, yeah. Yeah. They just dismantled it and took it apart. That tends to be with the schedule of things, we build something and we immediately tear it down four years later. Yes. That's kind of the thing. So, you know, that. That of course, when you do that, that transforms parenting, right? Because half of the adults today have no good models on what [00:13:00] it's like to be a good parent. So if you grew up in a single parent home, you've never seen your, your mom and your dad. You know, getting along and parenting you, in balance and in health. Right? Right. Uh, uh, research today, most social research today says that in America, the biggest divide that you really have when you strip away all the politics is not about left or right. And it's not about. Uh, minority non-minority. It has nothing to do with that. The really basic underlying thing that nobody wants to talk about the, the press, the mainstream media, or any press never talks about it, because it doesn't fit their postmodern narrative. Is that the biggest difference in America and Western societies on how you do is whether you're married or not. And whether you stay married or not. That's the biggest thing. There are two Americas and then the two Americas are those who are married and staying married, and those who are unmarried and having to do it all on their own. [00:14:00] The rates of a lower educational outcomes go up dramatically. The rates of depression and anxiety of children raised in that environment goes up exponentially, uh, issues of health physiologically go up exponentially, uh, the rates of poverty, and go up exponentially. It does it over and over again. So the government policies, whether, regardless of why they were instituted, oppose healthy relationships across the board. So you, if you want to be a healthy person and if you really want to have, um, good outcomes in your life, value your relationship. Because guess what? Philosophically our society doesn't support it. The government policies out there don't support it. So you really have to fight against it, you know? Well, and you're not saying, you know, if for a single mom that's listening to this podcast, you're not saying, oh, you're going to fail as a parent. You're just going to say, you're saying it's harder. And you want to build relationships to help counteract that instead of, [00:15:00] you know, This idea that only doing it on your own is the best way ever to do it. Right? Cause that's what you're basically saying is the government's saying you should, they're incentivize. Yeah, single parent one. And there's parents out there that, you know, due to whatever, you know, whether they're widowed or, you know, it was a, a bad relationship. They're not having two parents involved, but what you're saying is that the philosophy and government are saying, well, this is the best way to do it, or they're incentivizing it that way rather than you being in that position. There's a difference. I don't want any of our single parents listening. Well, Pastor Doug doesn't believe in us, and it's, that's the complete opposite right? Well, exactly. I mean, what I'm trying to do is try to get you to look at the reality of what you're facing your life is not going like you want it to go. You have daily struggles and you're you think to yourself while the world is stacked against me. And I cannot get out of this because I'm confused. My life is filled with chaos. I don't know what to do. And what I'm trying to [00:16:00] show you. You're not the reason why you're confused is because the world has lied and incentivized you towards this chaos. The postmodernism is taught you to think in a way that creates chaos in your own life. And so what you have to do is you have to recognize .This and then, and that is basically turning on the light and the darkness, you see. And that's what the gospel does. You're turning the light on in the darkness. Oh, my goodness. I never saw this before. I never realize it. So, and what you have to realize is that your, you know, the thing is, is that very few people want you to turn the light on. Um, and they're trying to do even more to stop that. They, they don't want healthy families and they don't want parents involved with their families. And like for instance, there, uh, I just read an article. There's a progressive stating that parents, it was in the Washington post, and this guy wrote, uh, parents should have [00:17:00] no say in the education of their children. And he went on to say that homeschooling should be banned because it violates the rights of children. So they don't want you to be involved. This is your public education system is adopting these ideologies. Ana Kasparian of the young Turks, which they have their own television network, or platform. It's massive. She's the president of this called the young Turks and her latest debate. She said, my position is that all private schools and all homeschools should be banned. So what's happening here is we see that there's these movements out there that have an incentive not to see you succeed relationally in your own family. We got to talk about the sexual revolution. You know, uh, the sexual revolution created an entirely new set of sexual values. All right. And first women, particularly [00:18:00] feminists, they believed that these new sexual values were going to liberate women. Right? This is the really big thing. However, what we've seen is the opposite is true. Uh, you look at the Me Too movement, is a perfect example. The Me Too movement primarily exists within the most progressive and liberal communities in the world today, Hollywood. Right? Uh, this is where women are predominantly sexually harassed and they're objectified and non-valued. So you, you see the proof of this in the dating scene, you know, you look at the horror stories that women, uh, go through when they're trying to date someone. You know that, and, but, but what's, what's interesting is that very few people ever sit back and ask the question, why is it this way? Right. Why is most people are like, well, why can't I find a good [00:19:00] guy? Right. Well, that's a great question, but the real question isn't why can't you find a good guy? Why is our society like this? And that's because our society has incentives for you to not have healthy, qualitative, long- lasting relationships, not only with another human being in marriage, but also a long lasting romance throughout life. Our society has an invested, incentivize interest to see your family not succeed. Especially if, if I don't want parents to have any involvement or say in the education of their children, why would I want successful family units? Um, why would I want that? You know, you see this going over and over again, even here in Idaho, in Idaho, we have a labor shortage like everybody else. Okay. And so there's this COVID money that [00:20:00] comes out. And so our governor, Governor Little, and I'm going to be really salty here, and that is this his proposal to help what's going on is to spend more money on daycare. So his proposal is we're in this mess. And what we want you to do is want you to go back to work. And so we're going to separate you from your kids. That's what we're going to do. And my thing is like, okay, you're trying to solve a downstream issue. But the bottom line bro, is that you have no idea how come we're in this mess. You see, we're not in this mess because of COVID. When you look back over the last 300 years. Prior to the formation of the American society. There has been pandemics, there has been problems and issues in our society that are a million times worse than COVID is right now. You look at the Spanish flu. Earliest 20th [00:21:00] century and what it did, uh, going through our communities, you look at the great depression. You look at world war one. You look at the civil war, look at the civil war, the most expensive war in the terms of life loss, more p, American's lives were lost in the civil war than any of the other wars we fought in. World War I and World War II, including. So it's fascinating to see what it wasn't that these bad things happen. Bad things are always happening. How come we were able to recover and how come and become thriving and prosperous again. That's because we were not a postmodern deconstructionist society with the sexual revolution, sexualizing, every relationship out of there. Right. That's why. It's that the upstream values have been completely decimated because of postmodernism. And so now what you see happening is the only answer to survive COVID is to [00:22:00] become more authoritarian in our approach. Now, some people are more authoritarian, one way, some people. Authoritarian the other way. But the bottom line is, is that we got in this mess because our familial relationships are undermined. Our marriages have been undermined. And that's because there's been policies and philosophies that have re uh, reproduced this fruit in our world today. And so what's happening is COVID comes in and all it does is it shows you it's like turning on the light. It shows you what is actually been happening. So, I mean, basically what you've you've been saying is our society, our philosophy, the culture has basically created disposable relationships. People don't want to keep, put the work in to actually maintain or cultivate a real, deep, personal relationship. And that has led to further spiraling, um, issues. Well, that's a little [00:23:00] depressing. Very depressing. So are there options on how to fix it pastor? There are. There you go. Well, in the first century, you have to realize in the first century, when the New Testament was written, things were 10 times worse than this. Okay. And 10 times worse than this, uh, in the Roman empire, you know, 50% of the population of Rome was enslaved. Okay. And this, this was a form of chattel slavery, but it had nothing to do with ethnicity. You know? I mean, the majority of the people that were enslaved were the same ethnicity as the other, as the people who, Romans who enslaved them. Right. Okay. And you have to realize that. Sexuality and the sexual morals were 10 times worse than they are today. And so, I mean, we could just go down the list of how th how things were, but the New Testament was written. And it said these trues and it completely transformed society. Over the course of 300 years, completely transformed it. And the reason why is because reality and truth always [00:24:00] end up being aligned. The principles in the New Testament are not just true because God said them to be true, through inspiration. They're true because they reflect reality. They have real world impact. When you start thinking and implementing these upstream, guess what happens downstream? Things change and they change for the better. And people are like, I don't know what's going on upstream, but I certainly like this downstream effect. Yeah. So, I mean, we've only got about five or so minutes left. Can you give us some specifics as how these truths aligned with reality and how the New Testament transformed the, uh, significantly worst times of the, times that it was written in? Well, let's take Paul's admonition. He said make every effort to preserve the bond of unity. So the more you work on, invest in, think about your upstream core values when it comes to relationship. Then the more effective your downstream changes become. Sometimes what we do is we go, well, you know, I'm [00:25:00] trying to date and I'm trying to find someone to fall in love with, and it's not really working here. So I'm going to try a different dating app, or I'm going to try a different church or I'm gonna try a different town, you know? And the thing about it is, is that what you don't realize is that you're that downstream change isn't going to produce the results you want. And the reason why is because you're not focusing on working on investing in your upstream core value, that makes you ready to love another person in the best way possible. Um, so, so that's really important is that the more you focus on what you really want, who you really are, what really makes a great marriage last, is going to influence your downstream choices. Uh, take the importance of family. Uh, the more you work on and invest on the relational aspects of your family. So, uh, helping you, like, I got to [00:26:00] bond more with my kids, and I need to, uh, bond more with my grant, the grandparents or whatever. It may be the case when that, when you have value that guess what happens is downstream. You have a much more powerful. Cha, uh, impact from the changes you make in your marriage. Do you value your relationship? Uh, to the point where you're saying, look, I need to make sure that my marriage is strong. And the first five years of your marriage establishes a lot of patterns. So set up some really good patterns right up front. Uh, that's really important. This is why the local church, in my opinion is so critical. We've spent the last 50 years of people adopting the notion that I can be a Christian without the local church. No you can't. The reason why we're in this mess. And the reason why we don't have a greater influence on where our culture is going is because somewhere, somehow, somebody started this heretical [00:27:00] notion that I can be a Christian and not be a part of the church. Sorry, Bible doesn't teach that. It's not true. You believe a false hood. You're part of the problem. Sorry for being so Salty, but that's the truth. The bottom line is, is that the local church is so critically important. Not only for you, because it focuses on the upstream core values of relationships, you see, but that, what it also does is that it is critical for society to work. Why do you think that the press, why do you think progressivism has worked so hard through our public education system to undermine the church? Why do you think it's doing this? Because they cannot implement their vision of what they want, the utopia they think they can create unless they eliminate the influence of the church first. Because the church, when it's healthy and strong and focuses on the Bible. Focuses on upstream core values. And if you're thinking in those terms, [00:28:00] you can't be deceived. If you're thinking in those terms, you can't be manipulated. If we're thinking in those terms, you you're like, yeah, your vision of reality is ridiculous. You know, uh, people are all not perfect and society is the problem. How can you even say that? Because the society is just made up of what? People, right. So that is illogical in and of itself. Um, second one. You know, so just don't make every effort, but take time to value your relationships and what I say value. I don't mean, oh, I need to place more value on my relationships. What I mean is that you need to actually value your relationships. That means all relationships are not the same value. Okay. That's the whole point of attributing value. Our society as a post-modernist, deconstructionist society is trained as to think that, that order, is oppressive. Responsibility and commitments are oppressive. However, the opposite of [00:29:00] order is chaos and that chaos in your life is destroying you. For instance, let me, if, are you tired of your lack of peace? Uh, I ask people, are you exhausted with living day to day without purpose or meaning? Do you feel lost that describes so many people in our society? Well, that's because your life is filled with chaos, not order. The first step to finding peace or bringing order to your life is to value your relationships. And that means you prioritize what is most important, rank them that way. This is the most important relationship. This is the second most important relationship at the top of the list should be Jesus. But Jesus is number one. Guess what Jesus said? If you seek me first, the kingdom of God and his righteousness, everything else falls into place. If you don't, it's a mess. You know, CS Lewis said that way is that you, if you try to love the world and love Jesus, you lose both. If you love Jesus, you get the world thrown in. Right. So it's an issue of [00:30:00] prioritizing. So, uh, that's really, really critical. Jesus is number one. If you're dating someone value the relationship in its right priority and value it enough to either move it forward or end it. Move it forward or end it. Being dating for six or seven years is probably not, unless you're really, really young. It's not wise, you know, either move it forward or end it. If you're married, value your relationship enough to say, uh, I am going to make this first five years. Let's say you've been married between zero to five years. I'm going to take the time to set the patterns because the patterns we have now, guess what. They are going to last us for a lifetime make, uh, especially the how to fight pattern. I always tell couples, you got to have a how to fight pattern. Because there will be fights. Right. Absolutely. 100%. There will be fights. It's how you fight. That makes all the difference. That's what makes all the difference. If you have children, [00:31:00] place your relationship with them above other relationships in your life. I knew a guy, uh, is a great story over the years, and, uh, he was married and he had three kids. And they were young in his, and he was working. He was working in a. Uh, kind of the, the, uh, industries and he was doing okay. And so his wife went, they had enough to raise the kids live in. So his wife, could, his wife went to college. Right. And she got a degree. And while she was there, she became a radical feminist and she graduated and she divorced him. Okay. And what happened is he decided that, uh, he was a very eligible type guy. And so a lot of women wanted him to date and stuff and he was like, yeah, well, I'm not going to date and I'm not going to get serious with any woman until my kids graduate from high school. I thought, man, that, that guy. He knows his stuff. So he was single for 10 years, maybe. Well, maybe even 12 [00:32:00] years, you just, I'm not going to get serious with anybody. You know, I'm going to have friends who are women, right. But I'm not going to like date you to marry you or anything until this happens. So, so it's, it's that notion place your children. Uh, if you don't, you're gonna create chaos in your life, especially if you're a single parent, that's gone through a divorce. Divorce is so hard, right? And so don't make it worse by creating more chaos, create more order. And you, you could only do that. This is what's really important. You can only do that. If Jesus is number one, if Jesus is not number one, you're going to struggle with that is so hard to do it all on your own. Um, when you attribute value to your relationships, you're bringing order out of the chaos. So, if you have a friend of an acquaintance who calls you and asks for a favor that interferes with you, coaching your kid's soccer game, it's easy to say no, there's no guilt. There's no regret. You're not susceptible to that [00:33:00] idea. Well, what was this person going to think about me if I say no, what are they going to say about me in the community? You don't care because that relationship is in its proper prioritized place. So, and that all brings it down to this. The last thing I would practically share with you is that you must learn conflict resolution skills. The number one thing that undermines all relationships is the inability to resolve conflicts in a productive way. And this is the result of post-modernist deconstructionist thinking, right? It's it puts the focus of any problem that you have on the other person. Instead of saying, how can we solve this in a way that pulls us together and creates a stronger partnership? You see, you only have two options. Everybody has conflicts in every relationship. There's always conflicts. You only have two opposites. The conflict can become toxic, or it can help you grow. You get to choose. Choose good skills to resolve conflicts. And what you'll always see in the end [00:34:00] is growth. Well, those are some amazing things for us to focus on over the course of this next week and probably for the rest of our lives, actually, so. A lot to say today. Yes. We really appreciate you sharing those thoughts and those action steps for us. Again, we encourage you guys to go and take these discussions and have them. Whether it's with a spouse, with a friend, whether it's, you know, even some of these could be how you interact with your children, but have discussions so that you can further understand, what you believe, why these either resonator don't resonate with you. And then you can make a choice based on those conversations. But just listening to this, one-on-one in a room, you know, and not doing anything with it, doesn't help you. You have to have some discussions and have to have some real debate about what you do and don't believe so. Thank you guys so much for joining us. Please tune in on Sunday, pastor Doug, we'll wrap this whole section of this series up, um, as he preaches and we'll kind of talk a little bit more about all the things we've already covered and then. Illuminate us with [00:35:00] some new things. They were about relationships. This entire series all six weeks is about, we can do things to write a story book ending. Lets do it. All right. Thank you guys so much. We'll see you here on Sunday and beautiful Boise, Idaho. Blessings.