Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #106 Reducing Disrespectful Talk

Transcript

#106 Reducing Disrespectful Talk · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's The Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coilson, the
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  Speaker 1: podcast for the time Poor Parent who just Wants Answers
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  Speaker 1: Now Where Luke and Susie, a husband and wife radio
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  Speaker 1: team and the parents of three young boys. And today
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  Speaker 1: we're looking at a question from Michelle who's asking how
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  Speaker 1: to reduce disrespectful talk amongst your kids?
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  Speaker 2: Doctor Justin Coilson. Maybe we're noticing it or being irritated
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  Speaker 2: by it a little bit more because we're more in
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  Speaker 2: each other's space.
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  Speaker 3: I should turn my microphone on. I'm back.
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  Speaker 2: Ah.
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  Speaker 3: This is what happens when I'm in charge of the
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  Speaker 3: controls instead of the professionals.
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  Speaker 2: I love it. It was a button pushing problem that
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  Speaker 2: wasn't mine a few times.
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  Speaker 1: Let me just say what Michelle's question actually is here,
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  Speaker 1: Justin she said, how do you reduce slash stamp out
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  Speaker 1: disrespectful talk amongst your kids? That is speaking nasty, rudely
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  Speaker 1: to each other? What are your thoughts on this one?
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  Speaker 3: Yet, this is one of those things that has nothing
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  Speaker 3: to do with coronavirus, And isn't it nice to know
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  Speaker 3: that life is kind of still normal ish in most times?
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  Speaker 3: If anything, though, it's being exacerbated, the reality is we're
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  Speaker 3: in this pressure cooker where our children are not getting
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  Speaker 3: the release that they would normally get from family. They're
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  Speaker 3: around one another constantly, and I'm hearing from a lot
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  Speaker 3: of parents who are saying the kids are just being
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  Speaker 3: so nasty to each other. The kids just they're on
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  Speaker 3: each other's back. Part of this is boredom. They need
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  Speaker 3: some variety in their relationships, and so I would actually,
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  Speaker 3: before we even talk about how to deal with the challenge,
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  Speaker 3: I just look at the structure of your day and
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  Speaker 3: work out. Are they getting enough physical activity, and they're
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  Speaker 3: having connections with other friends or with cousins or relatives
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  Speaker 3: via phone, you know, those regular consistent touch points throughout
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  Speaker 3: the day, as frequent as possible, even if it's not
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  Speaker 3: face to face. Use technology and make sure that they're
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  Speaker 3: getting a bit of a break in their relationships from us.
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  Speaker 3: Are they having some downtime, Are they doing their real
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  Speaker 3: are they getting their own space. That's just sort of
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  Speaker 3: a preamble for where we need to go. But as
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  Speaker 3: for the frustrations, I mean, you've got three boys, are
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  Speaker 3: they niggling?
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  Speaker 1: Are they look for the most part, they're pretty good.
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  Speaker 1: But yes, there's been some they have got a bit
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  Speaker 1: physical with each other.
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  Speaker 2: In fewter it's got a little bit more the longer
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  Speaker 2: they've been in each other's space without as much to do.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think that because this is not going
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  Speaker 3: to go away in a hurry, one of two things
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  Speaker 3: are going to happen. Number One, they're going to actually
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  Speaker 3: learn to love each other. And some people just snorted
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  Speaker 3: their coffee when I said that. Or they're going to
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  Speaker 3: they're going to actually just get on each other's nerves
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  Speaker 3: more and more. And in many families, the conversations that
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  Speaker 3: I'm hearing are probably more centered around that kind of
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  Speaker 3: an issue. That's that's why people are contacting me. Obviously,
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  Speaker 3: the people whose kids are getting on great aren't reaching
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  Speaker 3: out because everything's going fine. But I mean, this is
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  Speaker 3: a glimmer of hope. This isn't to judge anybody. There
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  Speaker 3: are plenty of families who are saying, yeah, we're actually
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  Speaker 3: we're getting this together. The kids are actually starting to
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  Speaker 3: like each other, they're playing games, they're doing puzzles. Thank
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  Speaker 3: you Scott Morrison for the puzzle suggestion. And there's all
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  Speaker 3: of these really really nice things that are happening in
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  Speaker 3: a lot of families. So if your family is not
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  Speaker 3: holding it together, it's okay. The way you respond from
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  Speaker 3: here will have some impact on how the family can
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  Speaker 3: work things out moving forward. So I'll give you a
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  Speaker 3: couple ideas that I think can be really helpful in
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  Speaker 3: this regard. The first thing that I would suggest is
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  Speaker 3: that we do exactly the opposite of what we want
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  Speaker 3: to do. So the typical response from a parent when
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  Speaker 3: we hear this kind of disrespectful behavior that directed towards
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  Speaker 3: us or directed towards siblings, is that we say, hey,
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  Speaker 3: you cut that out, stop it, calm down. I demand
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  Speaker 3: that you show more respect. You know, we say these
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  Speaker 3: kinds that maybe I demand, but we say these kinds
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  Speaker 3: of things where we kind of exert overt power. Straight away,
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  Speaker 3: we step and just try to quell or quash the problem.
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  Speaker 3: What usually happens in that instant is that the child,
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  Speaker 3: regardless of whether they're doing something that's a little bit
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  Speaker 3: cheeky and inappropriate, or whether they feel like what they're
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  Speaker 3: doing is, you know, they're trying to defend themselves against
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  Speaker 3: their big or little brother or sister. What happens is
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  Speaker 3: we number one, we start solving problems which doesn't really
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  Speaker 3: teach them anything except that the big person can come
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  Speaker 3: in and stomple over everyone. But number two, it often
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  Speaker 3: dismisses the feelings that they've got in their heart. And
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  Speaker 3: so I find that there's a more useful approach, and
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  Speaker 3: that is that we step into the room and we say,
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  Speaker 3: you guys really seem to be struggling just now, or
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  Speaker 3: it looks like getting on with each other on day
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  Speaker 3: forty three of our shutdown is becoming a really big struggle,
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  Speaker 3: a bit of a challenge. In other words, we name
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  Speaker 3: it to tame it if we can, if it's mentionable,
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  Speaker 3: it's manageable. These are phrases that I use a lot
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  Speaker 3: of time. We get curious, not fury, We understand, not
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  Speaker 3: reprimand by highlighting, well, this seems like it's a really
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  Speaker 3: challenging situation right now, or you guys seem to be
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  Speaker 3: really struggling, or it's really hard to be nice all
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  Speaker 3: the time when you're stuck with each other and nobody else,
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  Speaker 3: what we're actually doing is identifying that, yeah, you're feeling challenged,
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  Speaker 3: so therefore you're behaving in a challenging way. And I
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  Speaker 3: get the challenge that you're experiencing. It's a much softer,
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  Speaker 3: gentler way to approach our children's difficult times. Now. What
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  Speaker 3: happens then is the kids say, oh, she won't do this,
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  Speaker 3: or he made me do that, or whatever it is,
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  Speaker 3: and we say, wow, it sounds like it's just all
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  Speaker 3: getting a little bit too much. How can I help?
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  Speaker 3: So we don't try to you know, we don't play
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  Speaker 3: that he said, she said game. We don't get into
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  Speaker 3: the blame and victim and you know, all that sort
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  Speaker 3: of stuff. We just say, you look like having a
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  Speaker 3: hard time, how can I help? And if they say
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  Speaker 3: something like you need to send them to their room
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  Speaker 3: for the next fourteen days, you can say, I thought
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  Speaker 3: you just wish that'd be awesome. I sometimes I wish
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  Speaker 3: I could send myself to my room for that one
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  Speaker 3: as well. But we draw our children closer to us.
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  Speaker 3: Our objective here is to step in, focus on their
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  Speaker 3: feelings and ask how we can help. As we do that,
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  Speaker 3: our children will be drawn to us because they can
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  Speaker 3: sense our sincerity and our desire to guide them through it.
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  Speaker 3: And by the way, when I don't know, you say, well,
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  Speaker 3: let's take a big breath and let's go for a
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  Speaker 3: walk in the backyard. Let's have a break for a
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  Speaker 3: little while. We need to have lots and lots of
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  Speaker 3: breaks at the moment, So let's go for a walk
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  Speaker 3: and let's just hold hands and distract ourselves for a
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  Speaker 3: few minutes. And when we come back inside, we'll have
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  Speaker 3: a quick bite tweet and see if we can work
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  Speaker 3: out a way that we can all play nicely.
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  Speaker 2: Nice sometimes, says adults. We need to work out how
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  Speaker 2: we can play nicely too. This has been the incredibly
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  Speaker 2: helpful for each and every one of us. Doctor Justin Colson,
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  Speaker 2: thank you so much for taking some time with us.
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  Speaker 3: Really great chat. Thanks Luke, Thanks Suzzie.
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  Speaker 2: If you've enjoyed the podcast, we'd love for you to
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  Speaker 2: get onto iTunes and leave a rating and review like.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: This one that came from set at MJD, who said
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  Speaker 1: excellent advice for a young day. I only came across
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  Speaker 1: the podcast last week, but haven't stopped listening since it's
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  Speaker 1: helped validate a number of ideas and beliefs of mine
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  Speaker 1: and challenged me on others.
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  Speaker 2: So leave a rating a review. But if you'd like
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  Speaker 2: Justin to speak at your school or organization organization, all
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  Speaker 2: you need to do is visit, happy family,