Transcript

Ashley · Recovery Chronicles

0:00
Ooh, hello, and welcome to Recovery Chronicles. My name is Shannon Hubert.
0:22
I'm an addiction counselor at Heartview and you're listening to Recovery Chronicles podcast on
0:29
Radio Access one O two point five. This podcast focuses on people in recovery
0:35
from alcohol and other drugs, people who have made positive changes in their lives
0:42
as a result of being in recovery and walking the journey. We hear stories
0:49
of relationships with families, improving better employment opportunities, and finding support from others
0:58
in recovery. On today's program, we'll be talking with Ashley. Ashley is
1:03
a person in recovery and she was willing to share her journey to inspire others
1:11
entering into long term recovery. Ashley, I am so excited that you're here
1:17
on the program today. Can you tell me how you were able to kiss
1:22
the bass goodbye and move forward? I would say it was when I checked
1:27
into Heartview. It was a choice I made one day and just didn't just
1:34
never look back. So did something happened like you were like, Yeah,
1:45
I don't want to do this anymore. I struggled for the last year and
1:49
a half where I just didn't have my kids, and I couldn't be alone
1:53
with my kids. And no matter how hard I tried to get over this
1:57
home, I just I couldn't get over it. And I just tried.
2:00
I got a job, but then I wouldn't run into things like I didn't
2:04
have transportation to get to my job, so then I missed work and it
2:07
just didn't have less hours. And I tried for a year and a half.
2:09
And I also came from a very abusive relationship. And then I also
2:15
had a friend who died of drug usage because his body couldn't take it no
2:22
more. And so we were struggling with that. And then one day I
2:25
woke up and I found out not only one but two of my friends committed
2:30
suicide. And that same day as the same day that I called Heartview.
2:35
I'm so sorry, thank you. Those losses are incredibly hard, yeap.
2:43
When you found out that you tragically lost two friends, you called heartview.
2:53
Was there a waiting list? I'm not entirely sure. They said that they
2:58
would call me back, and I waited for a phone call the next day
3:00
and I didn't get one. So I called them on the third day and
3:02
they said to come in the next day. Oh good. And they said
3:06
if I didn't have a ride, that I could call and they would come
3:08
get me. And that last second I was like, well, I don't
3:12
have a ride, maybe I just won't go. And I contemplated it,
3:14
and I said no, I'm gonna call, and I called and a tech
3:17
came and picked me up. Do you think that if they wouldn't have offered
3:23
you that ride, that it would have been like, don't have a ride,
3:27
don't have many other options. I'm not trying to be negative. I'm
3:30
just saying that's how we talk ourselves out of it. Yep. I probably
3:35
would have. So somebody comes and picks you up. I'm going to backup.
3:42
Did you use during that time, like after you lost your friends?
3:47
Yep? Cause that's painful. Yep. I was still using. Yeah,
3:52
so you used up until you got into treatment. Yep. Okay, so
3:57
you weren't sure if you really wanted to go, right, And I was
4:00
really nervous. What were you nervous about? I think it's important for life
4:05
listeners to hear that. I'm not sure. Maybe it was just being away
4:10
from everybody. Maybe it was a change. It was a change that I
4:14
haven't been through or experienced before, so it was just something totally new.
4:18
And I've never been the most I've ever been locked up in anywhere. It's
4:21
probably two days in Joie when that was it. So it was something that
4:26
I was gonna be different. So this was like your first treatment yep,
4:32
my first treatment? Really? Yeah, well I'm interested in this, So
4:45
how did you know what to call? Like? That's the process? I
4:49
had previously had two really good friends who I've used with and have gone through
4:55
things with, and they both went to treatment. I'm not sure if we'll
5:00
actually yeah, they both went to the same place, but they were my
5:03
big two biggest supporters and pushed me and encouraged me, and they were still
5:08
there when I went to treatment, and I still talk to them every day.
5:13
Yep. So you learn from people that you used to use with,
5:19
they're like, this is whatever their motivating factors were right, and they encouraged
5:27
you. Yep. I just have to say I love that because so many
5:32
times there's that stigma, right, bad people yep, and we're not.
5:41
We just do bad things. So are you see? Yep? So the
5:46
three of you? Is that correct? There's three of us? But I
5:49
mean now there's a lot more of us. M h. Yeah, so
5:54
you guys have just rallied around each other and said, I need help,
5:59
I need this, I need that, I'm having a bad day. Yep.
6:04
So you talked about not being around your kids. Can you share with
6:12
us what that's like. It was about two summers ago. I think it
6:19
was because I didn't have a cell phone and couldn't check in with my caseworker,
6:21
and they just told me I wasn't allowed to see her talk to my
6:25
kids, which was totally. That was really really hard, not only for
6:28
me but for them. But eventually it got to the point where I could
6:31
see my kids, but I just couldn't have them unsupervised, and so that
6:35
became the usual, it seems like. But it just it was harder when
6:42
I was using because I'd tell my kids I was gonna come by, and
6:44
I wouldn't come buy or they wouldn't see or hear even hear from me for
6:48
like a month because I just didn't want to face my family or them,
6:54
and so basically I had distanced myself from them, so and that wasn't fair.
6:59
So then like when I do come or when I would come around,
7:01
they would cry when I would leave because they didn't know when I was going
7:04
to come back or if I was going to come back of. Now that
7:08
I've been in treatment, I've consistently been seeing my kids almost every day.
7:13
I get them unsupervised and get to take them to church, and so they
7:16
love that. And now they just don't have to second guess if they're gonna
7:20
see me as much. Yep. So with the substance use, there was
7:28
empty promises yep. And that really impacted them right And at the time I
7:35
didn't think and realize how much it did until after I got sober. Can
7:41
you talk about that some more? Like we think that we are the only
7:47
ones that were hurting. Yeah. Within this this whole journey, I realized
7:54
that the most person I heard the most is probably my oldest. My younger
7:59
two, they're still pretty young, but my oldest she's been through a lot
8:03
and she's seen it all and she's I know, deep down she's angry with
8:09
me, but she won't say it. But that's just stuff that we have
8:11
to work through. And she's my biggest person that I have to make amends
8:16
with and so that she knows that I'm sorry for what I've put her through
8:22
and the I do notice the things that I have done wrong. So so
8:28
when you talk about like the things that you have done wrong and you know
8:33
where she has like trust issues, would that be fair anything that you can
8:41
share that you haven't been there and and you and you feel like you've heard
8:48
her right. She feels like I'm not gonna be there for her with certain
8:56
things, like for some reason, and I mean, I've never missed a
9:01
birthday, but they think that I've missed a birthday. But like she wants
9:03
a cell phone and I won't give it to her, and so like I
9:07
said, I was gonna get her when I could get paid, and I
9:09
didn't do that. And so she's like, see, I just knew you
9:11
weren't going to do it. But there's other things leading up to those kind
9:15
of things. But she's, yeah, it's the come it's me coming around.
9:22
And then it's things like me hiding things that she realizes and she knows.
9:26
So for example, with this abusive relationship that I went through, I
9:33
had gotten eat in the face and had a really really bad black GUYE and
9:35
I didn't show up for Thanksgiving and my sister came by and she saw,
9:41
and my mother demanded me to go to the house the next day, although
9:45
she was going to send the police over. So I went over there and
9:48
so like I was faced to show up the way I looked, with my
9:52
whole with this whole side of my face swollen and huge black guy. And
9:56
I had to walk in and face my kids, my nieces and nephews in
10:00
my mom and that was hard. And my oldest and she's like, I
10:03
know what happened, even though you don't want to say it. So she
10:07
felt like I was always keeping secrets from her, But I wasn't trying to
10:13
keep secrets, but I just felt like she didn't need to know. But
10:15
she knows deep down that I had got hurt, that you got her,
10:20
and not just physically. There was a lot of other part that she saw,
10:26
yep, that you probably didn't recognize. We talk about family roles,
10:33
and it sounds like she was the little the little adult, the caretaker,
10:39
the hero that she was the one. Yeah I know what happened. Yeah,
10:46
yeah, like she's the goldie mom. Yeah, how old is she?
10:50
She's ten, she'll be eleven next month, so yeah, she's she's
10:52
had to grow up really quick. Yeah, what is of your plans with
11:01
her as you continue developing that relationship and let her be a little girl again
11:09
that's gonna be hard for her. And what are some of the things that
11:13
you would like to do with her, like vacations or shopping or those are
11:22
all things that I think I need to relearn and about how she about the
11:28
more things that she likes because I haven't been around so much. So it's
11:31
like I have to relearn my kids and things that they do and more interest.
11:37
And I mean there's there's a part of her where she is a very
11:43
very big animal lover and she will she can and tell you anything about in
11:48
any kind of animal and like she wants to be she wants to work at
11:52
the zoo when she gets older. And so she's very smart, and I
11:56
mean that's something that she could She probably teaches me more than I teach her
12:01
about that, sure, so it's something that we could take interest in.
12:07
Always taken her to the aquarium when she was little down in Denver, Okay,
12:11
and so she's got to experience that and she thinks that's just completely amazing.
12:16
She's been to the zoo in mine, not and I think somewhere else
12:22
the reptile gardens. What was that reptile garden? Okay, yeah, in
12:26
South Dakota, yep. Yeah, yeah, So she's been there twice and
12:28
so she likes experience things like that, and I think that would be something
12:33
interesting to get to take her to learn more about an experience that she's interesting.
12:41
That's really cool because sometimes it's hard for for all moms out there,
12:50
like, oh, jes you like snakes, I don't know. Oh yes.
12:54
And it's funny because when we were when I was in Harpview and impatient,
12:58
there's lady books everywhere all over the tree and like no more, Like
13:03
we started cracking jokes about like did they dump a bucket of lady books in
13:07
there? And if all our lady goes no, they're just there, and
13:11
so like some of them didn't even have spots on them, really yep.
13:13
So I had to go to her and ask her, and she gave this
13:16
big old turtle about how or how or why they don't have spots on them?
13:22
Why don't they I don't even remember, okay, but I had to
13:26
record it on my phone. But yeah, that is interesting, and she
13:30
knew that actually, and she knew it just like that. Yep. When
13:35
we talk about getting to know our children, what is it Ashley that you
13:43
need to not need that you get to learn about you in that process.
13:56
It's getting to be that's a tough one. It's real learning how to be
14:03
a mom again, and that just takes time and the small steps to getting
14:09
there. So some of that would be starting with therapy. To start family
14:16
therapy with my girls and that I'll be doing at the end of the month.
14:20
And you have three girls, yep, by three girls, Wow,
14:26
you are blest and you'll probably be prob. Yeah, yep, because it's
14:31
fun to dress girls up. Oh yeah, my little one, she definitely
14:35
is in that category. Oh that's funny. So I like that. You
14:41
know, are they so they're willing to go to therapy? And yeah they
14:46
are. I don't think that they know about the family therapy yet so much,
14:50
but they do their own therapy. Oh good, go ahead. Yep.
14:56
So just to back up for a second, So when we talk about
14:58
like a parents, mom's dads, you know, whoever's raising children to be
15:07
like open minded to figure out why are children like the things that they do?
15:16
Like animals? So are you willing to I'm just like, we get
15:24
to explore. So and you already said you're willing to do that. Are
15:31
you willing to kind of investigate where she got this interest in animals? Do
15:35
you like animals? Like? I mean, I like animals, But I
15:41
don't know where she gets it from. She's always been like that since she's
15:43
been a little kid, as far as as far as back as her handling
15:50
a remote. She's that's what she's watching is the Animal Planet and stuff on
15:56
YouTube to find out more about animals. But yeah, I have no idea
16:00
where she gets it from that that specific interest. So like things that have
16:06
happened to her is like when she's gone to the zoo, she's always got
16:08
this one animal that will follow her up up and down the gate and like
16:14
if she stops and look at it, stop and look at her back,
16:15
and she'll it'll continue to do it back and forth. So every time she's
16:19
ever gone to the zoo, I I'll ask her and she's like, oh,
16:22
yeah, it was this one this time. Wow, that's a that's
16:27
like a GIF. Yep, She's definitely have she definitely has a gift there.
16:33
Do you ever feel and I'm asking these questions because I you know,
16:38
in early recovery, we have to relearn everything we learn how to be a
16:42
mom, relearn how to really accept our children where they're at, even if
16:49
they're really upset with us or they don't want to come back into the home,
16:55
or can you talk about some of those thoughts. And it's having to
17:02
have the patience and the understanding and the openness about it, knowing what I
17:07
put her through and you know, me accepting the things that I've have done
17:11
to her, and so me having to accept where she's at in her life.
17:15
And it's about having patients. And so who do your children live with?
17:23
They live with my mom? Okay, So is is that a difficult
17:30
task to like repairing the relationship with your mom. I haven't probably gotten as
17:41
far as that yet. But I think I feel like my mom probably has
17:45
more knowledge than I think she does when it comes to me being in recovery,
17:48
because sometimes I'll mention something to her and she's like, oh, yeah,
17:52
I read about this on the internet and this is you know, this
17:55
is the information about it. So like, sh I think she knows more
17:57
than I think I do. So she's totally supporting you. Yep. So
18:06
like most moms, she's just happy. You're happy, yep, And you
18:10
don't need to say I'm sorry, I'm sorry. She's just like, keep
18:15
doing what you're doing. She has said that, but I don't think I've
18:18
gotten to that part of making amends with her yet. So because I'm not
18:23
that far in my step work yet, sure, sure, well, And
18:27
then when you get done with that step work, you got to go back
18:30
and redo it, because we can messing up, but we're blessed that we
18:36
get to do that. I just want to remind everybody that you're listening to
18:40
Radio Access one o two point five and on today's program we have Ashley and
18:47
she is telling her story of recovery, taking risks and sharing the things that
18:53
she lost right now, specifically children, can you are you comfortable telling us,
19:03
like what happened that your mom ended up with the I had lost my
19:11
apartment and I moved in with my sister and there was just a big conflict.
19:17
So I took off with my kids and was at Motel six living with
19:22
my kids and we're working there so I could pay for my room cause I
19:25
didn't have a job, and my current boyfriend at the time had gotten upset
19:32
with me and knew my kids's dad, and so he went to him and
19:37
tried to tell him that I was selling myself for blues, and so he
19:41
called CPS, and then CPS showed up at the hotel. And then by
19:45
that time, their other grandparents had asked if they could stay with them to
19:49
go do swimming lessons, and I said that was fine, and then so
19:53
they left and then it was like a few days later where I got a
19:56
call that I wasn't allowed to see her talk to my kids. Can you
20:02
explain to the listeners what what a blue is? Fe? No? Kay?
20:08
Yeah, cause I used to say I have the blues. Well I
20:11
can't say that anymore. Betanla is blue. How did you feel when that
20:21
happened? Did your addiction just escalate like crazy? Yeah? It was really
20:27
hard. It had to hurt it, did it. I'd say the first
20:33
time I went to my mom's house and I finally got to talk to my
20:37
kids, it was like two weeks I think later on, and I just
20:41
I lost it. My mom's from after I got off the phone. Yup.
20:48
And that's one thing that I you know, I just really wanna emphasize
20:51
this just because we're out there drinking and drug and does not mean that we
20:56
mean to be bad parents. It's m you know, being predisposed to this
21:02
disease and our increase intolerance, and we're doing things that we never thought we
21:07
would do. You never thought you would lose your kids. No, even
21:15
staying at mortealitis, you didn't think something's wrong here. Well, I knew
21:18
something was wrong. It was the fact of me being a single parent that
21:23
it didn't Again, it didn't matter how hard I was trying. But then
21:27
again it was I was still using. And it's come about when I got
21:33
was fifty days sober. Is when I realized that what I had tried to
21:37
do for three hundred and sixty five days using, it only took me a
21:42
matter of fifty days to complete being sober. So I realized that's how much
21:48
it impacted my life. Can you share with us what it was like you
21:55
grew up in Denver. Can you tell us what your home life was like?
22:00
My home life was really hectic. My family is the his and hers
22:06
and ours kids, the Brady Yeah mkay, and so like. For longest
22:11
time, it was just me and my brother, my youngest brother, my
22:14
youngest sister. And then when I was about fourteen, my step dad had
22:18
his kids, uh had to come down and live with us because their mom
22:22
had passed. Oh, and so then I had an older brother and a
22:26
sister another one who was younger with the same name. And then it was
22:32
just a whole lot of chaos, chaotic, and but other than that,
22:37
we ch They tried to give us the best life that we could and we
22:41
went to school and it was a normal life. So not a lot of
22:45
use. No, my mom and my stepdad do not use at all.
22:49
No, I get it from my real dad and like so like my real
22:55
dad has always used in his life. And then I have other brother from
23:00
my real dad and they've also used. And so that's just where that comes
23:04
from. So you were blessed with that, Yeah, piece of hereditary And
23:11
can I ask for your real dad's dat he's in Seattle, Okay? Do
23:17
you have contact with him or Nope? I have only been in contact with
23:21
him maybe three four times out of my entire life. Wow, do you
23:26
ever feel like that's a piece of your life? That's Missy. I used
23:33
to when I was probably my daughter's age, but as I've gotten older,
23:37
I in the times that I have spent with him and seen him, I
23:41
don't think that's an issue. Okay in your stepdad, h he's been a
23:47
pretty good dad to you. Yeah. He's been in my life since I
23:49
was three, So he's the one I consider my dad. That's cool,
23:53
yeah, because not everybody can say that, right. And I probably when
23:59
I was like, like I said, when I was my daughter's age,
24:00
I used to be like, I wanna find my dad and that's not my
24:03
dad. And and I feel really guilty about that as I had grown up.
24:07
And that's something that my oldest daughter has that problem in faces these days
24:11
too. So do you see your step dad often? Are they still married?
24:19
Yep? Okay, so you do see'em yep, And he too
24:23
is just like, oh, I'm just happy for yep. That is so
24:27
cool. Unconditional lot mm hm. When did your substance use start? Like,
24:38
when's the first time you used? Do you remember? Uh? The
24:44
first time I ever used is when I was married to my ex husband.
24:53
Wow. Yeah, I gave her a look, she gave me a look.
25:00
So how old were you? I was probably about twenty one twenty two
25:04
okay, And what did what did you use? Alcohol. No, it
25:08
was meth that was your first drug. Well, no, weed was when
25:12
I was like seventeen, okay, So I smoked yep, math and got
25:22
me what that was like? Weed. I've smoked on and off since I
25:26
was seventeen, okay. So I would be my sisters that have considered me
25:32
the biggest pie head when I was eighteen, and now I probably now that's
25:37
not even the case. But then I moved up here and I was sober
25:41
then, and then my sisters were out running around and that's when I started
25:47
smoking meat again. And then so the first time I ever tried meth is
25:52
because my husband's brother was at my house and he was making it, and
26:00
that was the first time I ever tried it. So he made the math
26:06
and boom here it was like freshly made. Yeah, it was sarcasm.
26:11
How did you use that? Smoked it from a light bulb from a light
26:15
bulb, And then what happened to you? I started using a little bit
26:26
more, and then my sister started using, and then it was just I'm
26:32
not sure, I cannot remember what happened after that. I think I stopped
26:37
using for a little while. And then my friend Brian had just got out
26:41
of prison, and he that's when I had gotten my first shot is from
26:48
him. He gave me my first shot. And for the longest time,
26:52
he's always probably til the day he died. He always told me that was
26:56
his biggest regret ever, was doing that. And you said, hey,
27:02
I was the one that was a willing participant, but right his guilt on.
27:10
So you're shooting up, matthem Viata mean I only did it a few
27:14
times that first time. Okay, The next time I ever shot up is
27:18
after I left my kids's dad and so I just left him. I l
27:25
lost everything because he threw all of our stuff outside in the rain. So
27:29
I started over with three kids with nothing but a bin of our stuff.
27:33
And from there I was able to get into apartment and I started over and
27:37
I just just rebuilding my life and it was just stressful and and that's when
27:41
I picked it up again and s started shooting up. Did you do you
27:47
ever feel like m Do you ever feel like you started using again just because
27:57
did you ever feel like, oh, this is all I know? Sometimes
28:03
sometimes it was just easy. I felt like it was easier and it just
28:06
kept me going, even on the days where I just didn't want to want
28:10
to. Yeah, what w What got you guys from Denver to North Dakota.
28:18
So my parents decided to move up to North Dakota because my sisters were
28:22
getting in a lot of trouble in Denver. They were skipping school to the
28:26
point where they were getting kicked out and so, plus there was the recession
28:30
that was gonna happen, and they came up. So they came up here,
28:34
and I chose to actually stay behind. I chose not to move up
28:38
here when they did, and so I stayed behind, and I was living
28:41
with a friend. I was still working, but then I started messing around
28:45
with weed more and we ended up losing the place that we were at,
28:49
and it was just becoming another struggle, and I figured I'd call them because
28:55
they still had to come down there and get some of their stuff. So
28:56
I was like, I called them. I said, I want to come
28:59
back with you before anything gets to the point where I end up on the
29:02
street down there. H And so my stepdad came down and get some stuff
29:07
and he picked me up and I came back. That was nice, yep.
29:12
And it's easy to get put on the streets and the cities like when
29:22
we look at the resources that we have in Bizmarck, can you talk about
29:25
some of that, like the things that you were able to hold on to
29:32
in your recovery. So I would say that that biggest part would be the
29:38
soup kitchen. Even when I didn't have any money, didn't have any food,
29:45
and was it have no rough time, And even to the point where
29:48
I ended up not having a permanent place to stay and bouncing from friends,
29:52
there was always just a quick walk down the streets of the soup kitchen.
29:56
And so even now to this day, I will say I lived off that
30:00
kitchen. If it wasn't for them, I probably wouldn't have eaten that day.
30:03
And as that goes as well as a lot of people that I know
30:07
still today. But now, even after we get done a group, there's
30:11
a group of us who like to go down there and eat and just enjoy
30:15
lunch together. And it's yep, do you guys laugh and enjoy being together?
30:22
And yep. I always think that's so cool, is you know,
30:26
just like, oh my gosh, we're getting a meal, we're sober,
30:32
yep, and we're enjoying each other, right, And it's got to the
30:36
point where some of us want to sit down and figure out our schedule where
30:40
we could be of service back and give you more about that. What does
30:42
that mean volunteering? So everybody who works there is a volunteer of their own
30:51
getting paid. Nope, And so this is something you would like to do.
30:57
I would like to do it, and sold couple other people. Yeah,
31:04
that's awesome. And I like how you say, if it wasn't for
31:08
the soup kitchen, I probably wouldn't have eaten that day. And with food,
31:17
it's I'm just weird about food, you know, because you know,
31:22
I just look at people who are hungry, and you know, my heart
31:25
just breaks, right, And so the soup kitchen is an amazing place,
31:32
and I think there's always people willing to volunteer there. Right. So you
31:42
get married to somebody here in Bismarck. I don't want his name, I
31:47
just right, Yeah, we're not gonna go there. So you get married.
31:52
Do you have a big wedding or no? We got married at the
31:56
courthouse, Okay, yep, just something small. I had a few friends
32:00
there, and that's his dad was there and my parents were there, and
32:04
that's man of the dreams. I should have just waited and waited because it
32:09
turned out later on it's he had really bad schizophrenia and he's just he's gotten
32:15
really worse throughout the years, and so he's Yeah, I mean, I'm
32:22
not so sorry for me, but I'm more sorry for my daughter because she's
32:25
the one who has to go through it now. But she's coming to the
32:31
age where I've taken her to go see him, and so like she understands,
32:37
and she doesn't really know what it's called, but she just understands that
32:39
he's sick. The way we like to put it, does he live like
32:44
in a special home or no, he lives on the streets here on the
32:47
streets. That's so sad that, you know, people with severe mental health
32:55
are just getting missed. And there comes the time, Ashley, when you
33:02
can't pick that up because you have your own self to pick up, right.
33:10
But it's a I mean, at the same time, it's more sad
33:13
because he is a veteran and so like you still see that and it's just
33:16
makes it the whole thing worse. Yeah, hm, I'm sorry. So,
33:24
so he's really not in the picture, and are you So you guys
33:31
get divorced and you're out there using, and actually no, I wasn't using.
33:40
Then I quit using when I got pregnant with my oldest okay, And
33:45
so I actually was sober for probably good seven years, eight years. Wow
33:52
mm, that's that's amazing. What did you do? What are some things
33:54
that you did to stay sober for that long? I white not called it.
34:01
I was working a lot and I just hadn't picked up using, and
34:07
I was around different people back then, so I just surrounded myself with the
34:10
people I worked with and that was it. Mkay mm. And then boom,
34:17
all of this happens with Motel six. Oh well, no, Actually
34:23
before Motel six is when I was with my other ex, my younger two
34:29
their dad. Okay, I was sober up until he we had this townhouse
34:35
and he was talking about selling you know, T I s T told him,
34:38
I said, don't bring that in this house, because if you bring
34:40
it in, I'm I will I guarantee you I will use. And that's
34:45
exactly what happened. And then so I used for a little while and then
34:52
I think I told him I quit, and so, like I was basically
34:53
a closet user. It was just me and my dealer who knew and that
34:58
was it for a while, and then it just came out. That's when
35:01
I've left him. I just was like, I'm not going back one day
35:05
and I left, and so he threw all of our stuff outside and he
35:07
was like, I'm not a storage unit. And so that's when I took
35:12
my kids and I left, and that's when I started a whole new life
35:14
again. And then COVID hit and so then it was just me at home
35:19
and I was still using, and so yeah, it's just been back and
35:22
back and back and then I and then I got with my previous acts.
35:28
And he's the one who called my kids' dad and said I was selling myself
35:31
for blues for Ventnel. Was that true? No? Okay, no,
35:37
no, no, no no. So it was just he was. Ay,
35:40
he was angry at me because I had lied because I had two of
35:45
my friends in my room and I didn't tell him. So he got mad
35:49
at me because I lied, and that's why he did that. I a
35:54
kind of a bittersweet blessing in disguise whatever, because now you're, you know,
36:04
two years without your kids right just about yeah, just about now,
36:07
it's like I need to do something different, So let's talk about what you
36:15
know, what's what's going on, because you are just your rock in this
36:20
recovery. Well, when I went to Harview, I found out that you
36:25
could you had you could work at Heartview when you got out, not right
36:30
when you got out. But so I set myself a goal that I wanted
36:34
to go back and work for them. But I've also set different goals.
36:38
I've currently have gone to a sober living I've gotten my license back, I've
36:45
gotten a sober living house car for right now. And so so you have
36:51
a sober living house car yep. So they provide hu a car for me
36:55
to use. That's magic. Yeah. And then so if any of the
37:00
other girls need to ride, I can give them a ride to work or
37:04
wherever they need to go, and so they don't have to worry about transportation
37:07
as long as I'm available anyway. But I try to make myself available as
37:12
much as possible. So you're in sober living, Uh, tell me a
37:16
little bit about how sober living has helped you stay sober. It's helped me
37:23
because they've given me structure, and I also have my peers support in my
37:30
community connect and they've helped me. Like before, I had my license back.
37:35
They helped me with the bus pass so I could try to get transportation
37:37
for as much as I could. But it's also the girls that are in
37:40
the in the sober living house. Can you talk about the bus pass a
37:46
little bit? How how did that work for you? The bus The bus
37:53
system is not always reliable. Let's just say that. So there was a
37:59
day is where I could not get to work because it was not reliable.
38:04
Yeah, but that was frustrated, right, But I mean it did help
38:07
because I work all the way up north, so it would have been a
38:12
really long walk to even try to get there. So bus system wasn't really
38:19
good. What's what's the peer support? Peer support is where you they check
38:23
in on you every so often and if you need something, you can go
38:27
to them. They ask how you're doing, if they need if I need
38:30
help with anything, just things like that. So if you need or if
38:37
I am having triggers or I can just basically go to them for anything.
38:43
So if you need a pair of socks, or help with a job interview
38:45
or application or resume, or yep, getting the kids to where they need
38:52
to be, they'll help you or they'll give you like a ride to closet
38:58
seven oh one or anything like that. Seven oh one. Seven oh one
39:00
is a closing closet where you can get help with free clothes. Okay,
39:06
once a month, once a month, yep? Is that only open once
39:09
a month or no, they're don't quote me. They're open a couple of
39:15
days during the week, from like nine to twelve or something like that.
39:19
Okay, And so there's that little window of opportunity. So when you go
39:23
in there, there are a ton of people in there. There's quite a
39:28
few people in there, Okay, yeah, I would think that there would
39:30
be yep, here's my chance. Yeah. And when we talk about like
39:36
here's my chance, it's like that's something that we don't do for ourselves,
39:42
is get hygiene stuff, get decent clothes that don't have holes in them,
39:46
and so it's important. Yeah, it's just the process of starting over and
39:52
you know, not having money, it's it's hard to get those things.
39:57
But places like that and the step kids and you know, those are all
40:00
good starting points and the help that we not just iy what other people could
40:07
use, and that's out there for everybody to use. And you're talking about
40:15
the basics, you know, food clubbing, shelter and shoes. Yeah,
40:19
they can give you shoes too, and shoes yep, and shoes yeah.
40:24
Because it amazes me too, Like the lack of socks, isn't that just
40:32
crazy? Yeah, I mean people need socks. I mean that of course,
40:40
that's we're not gonna We're gonna spend money on drugs and at all rather
40:45
than buying socks. You know, everybody goes into treatment and they kind of
40:52
have a Aha moment, and sometimes people have like a bigger aha moment where
41:01
it's very spiritual and or there's just a series of events that happened. Can
41:08
you tell us what your experience was, cause you're really really internally motivated.
41:16
I'd have to say it was probably when I was impatient. I'd say the
41:22
first couple of days, I was really nervous that I was really quiet.
41:23
I didn't really say anything until somebody came up to me and said, hey,
41:27
look at it this way. It's think of it as more like summer
41:30
camp, summer camp, summer camp. So from that day on, I
41:36
start thinking that, And actually every time somebody else came in, I gave
41:40
them that same speech. And then I other people that I've said that to
41:45
you. When other people would come in, they would give them that speech
41:49
too, So it was just like a thing that has carried on from one
41:52
person to the next person. And so it was just all the people that
41:57
I went to to treatment with who become like my treatment family. Now.
42:04
So when you were really really shy and somebody noticed that and said, hey,
42:09
what's going on, and you're like, I'm nervous, you're like,
42:13
look at it as summer camp, and you're like, oh m hmm,
42:16
that's that's good. Why do you think you were so quiet initially? Because
42:25
back then that's just kind of who I was versus now, I'm pretty talkative.
42:31
I even when I was in treatment, I used to laugh all the
42:35
time, like to the point where I could not stop laughing. And so
42:38
I hadn't been like that in a very long time. So it was things
42:44
like that that I could see. And laughter is so healing, yep.
42:52
And when the so when the laughter comes and the tears come, we're not
42:58
masking that anymore. Those are raw feelings, yep. So what else is
43:04
going on? What what are the good things that are happening? And what
43:08
are you doing, Jeffer, I'm still staying sober. My biggest change is
43:15
that people, places and things. I've struggled hugely with the people, and
43:23
I've come to terms with that. That's just there's a big difference between us
43:29
and the people that I hang around now. So even some of my friends
43:34
who have gotten sober, we're still able to be friends because they are sober,
43:37
and so we still have that common inch, you know, that common
43:42
thing that keeps us connected almost. But some other things I'm doing is I
43:50
play at hertview oom and and I also tried to sign up to take a
43:59
peer support course in the in the winter time. So those are some of
44:05
my things that I've worked on and gotten to so far. There's your passion
44:09
again, Yep. What intrigues you about helping people with this disease. I
44:22
don't think it's just a disease in general. I've always been that person who
44:24
likes to help everybody and every everybody to tip the point where sometimes I help
44:31
everybody else, even at times when I needed to help myself, and always
44:36
put everybody else first before me. And so I never realized that could be
44:40
a career goal until I got to harb you. So when I got to
44:44
harb you, I was. With their help and the things that I've learned,
44:47
I've able to realize that that's a career goal I can make out of
44:51
my own life experiences. So tell me about how you were able to I
45:02
don't care who you are. Applying for a job is a risk, but
45:07
you took a huge risk. Yeah. I was actually really excited that I
45:13
didn't even think twice about doing it. That is awesome. So you took
45:21
that risk, you went through the process, and how do you feel about
45:27
that. I'm excited. I'm still nervos because I still haven't heard back yet,
45:30
but it's maybe by the time this errors, you'll know maybe that would
45:37
be that goddropper. Then yeah, you have the goddropper. The one thing
45:42
that I really want to stress, not just to you, Ashley, but
45:45
I'm going to sound a little preachy, but even to the listeners. You
45:50
know, people will say, well, he just got out of treatment,
45:53
why are you, you know, hiring him, and you know, of
45:58
course he's going to use to get this stigma. And I look at it
46:01
is we're all at risk. It doesn't matter how long you've been abstinent,
46:12
and so I'm so excited for you and I also believe that the more people
46:17
we tell we're in recovery, the better our chances are. It's being able
46:24
to pass along that what I've learned and you can learn too, and it
46:30
also helps us. It stays over to so the things that have happened to
46:37
you, like losing your children and your mother's taking care of them, and
46:42
that's not always I'm sure there's been conflict there, not so much not so
46:50
much good, but in a lot of cases it's it is. And so
46:57
you can go and help other people and talk about, hey, this is
47:00
what I did yep, and hope that that advice helps them and gives them
47:07
a little insight on things whether they're still trying to overcome or things that they're
47:15
just trying to go to the next level or see how bad it could be
47:22
to in in recovery. We really want to we want to help others.
47:31
And I think every person, well maybe not every but ninety nine percent of
47:40
people that are in recovery have the biggest hearts. So what would your big
47:49
goal be as far as like just helping others. Well, one of the
47:58
techs that do work out hart right now, that's something that we have come
48:02
we still get like a group of us together from my first group that I
48:08
went to treatment with, and we talk about things about recovery and what we
48:15
noticed that the struggles are just not just for me but from everybody else,
48:20
and everybody else gives their input and like, that's something we all notice that
48:23
is a big thing for people to relapse when they get out of recovery is
48:28
not having that support and transportation to get to meetings, to get to group.
48:32
And so we feel like that maybe there's something that we could do to
48:36
fill that hole to help people. Yay, I love that because transportation is
48:43
a barrier. I don't know what the answer is. Yeah, we don't
48:47
either, but that's something that we've we've talked about in just gathering numbers and
48:52
just going from there. What else do you guys do? We've had a
49:00
group who went bowling, so we've gone bowling, We go to the soup
49:05
kitchen, we meet at meetings, just a whole bunch of stuff. Yeah,
49:09
and how important are meetings do you? I am doing the ninety and
49:16
ninety so I go to a meeting every night and it's just become my usual
49:22
daily activity is what I do. So how do you feel when you leave
49:27
a meeting, I feel good. There's been times where I just feel like
49:30
I don't want to go, but then I go and I'm happy I did.
49:35
Oh. Absolutely, So would that be a suggestion that you would have
49:39
to people, is to find a support group of any kind? Yep.
49:47
So you're going to meetings, You're going to twelve step meetings, you're going
49:52
to church, yep, you're meeting your daughter's at church. Yep, you're
49:57
going bowling, yep, you're hanging out at the soup kitch yep. But
50:00
I also have a sponsor that I meet. I'm working my steps through that
50:04
too, And what's the sponsor? Any sponsor Like, she goes through my
50:10
tolspit the steps in the program. So somebody who has been like who's also
50:19
gone through the system or the system, who's gone through the process in the
50:22
book, and who's gone through the steps herself. That's so cool. So
50:30
you're doing all of the right thing. Yep. What would your biggest goal
50:37
be to change like the stigma what people think about this disease recovery, because
50:49
you're right, there's so many other things that come along with it. We
50:52
can put the cork in the bottle, but then we still have the same
50:55
problems. It's just a change of the new way of how you live.
51:05
And so if you if you're scared to take that step, just take that
51:08
step and just keep doing it. One day ahead of time. M yep,
51:13
one day at a time. What a corner is saying. Yep,
51:16
but it works yep, really and yep, and it works if you work
51:22
it too. Yeah. So I have a question, if you could spend
51:30
time with somebody who is deceased or still living, who would that person be
51:37
and why? And it can be anybody. I probably wouldn't pick just one
51:44
person, and I probably picked too, and that would be my friend Brian
51:49
who passed away a overdose, and then my friend Sonny who passed away from
51:54
drug usage. And I just want to spend that one day because they were
52:00
they wanted to see me, and not just me, but our other friends
52:02
sober and they that would be it. M hm. Is there anything specific
52:12
that you would say to them that I did it then I made it m
52:22
hm, that you did it, meaning that you yeah, into recovery.
52:27
Yeah, and you're happy fun Yep. When you first walked into recovery,
52:32
did you think I'm never gonna have any fun walked into treatment, I should
52:38
say not necessarily. I think it was probably more of the people that I
52:45
was around that I was gonna lose. But like I said at the beginning,
52:52
it's I still have a lot of my friends that were there throughout the
52:58
years that I've used with that are actually now in recovery. And for a
53:02
while, the last couple of months before we went, before we both went
53:06
into treatment, we talked about how we wanted to do it, we wanted
53:09
to get there, but we both just couldn't do it. And now to
53:13
this day, now we're sober. She's got more sober time than I do,
53:15
and so yeah, so the first time we've ever been sober together.
53:20
That is really really special. When I say special is people don't realize that
53:27
unique special connection. Talking about feelings, right, yep, anything else that
53:34
you would like to share with the listeners. Take a chance on recovery.
53:47
It'll be the best thing that'll ever change your life. Take that positive risk
53:52
and take a chance. Yep. Yeah, I agree with you. Yep.
53:59
So you were nervous, this wasn't this was kind of fun? Huh,
54:02
Yeah, I did. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was
54:05
going to be. I don't know why people think, but it is fun.
54:10
Would you be willing to close with the serenity prayer? Yep? Okay,
54:17
I know I got it right this Okay, God, grant me the
54:24
serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things
54:30
I can, and the wisdomness to know the difference. I should say it
54:36
again, Okay, I'm going to I'm going to take this. Okay.
54:43
Got me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
54:50
change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thank
54:55
you so much. I appreciate ooo a little b