Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 477. I'm dating a man 17 years older, how do I get my family to accept? + I'm terrified to lose my best friend to a relationship - Head Noise

Transcript

477. I'm dating a man 17 years older, how do I get my family to accept? + I'm terrified to lose my best friend to a relationship - Head Noise · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the head Noise episode
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: of Today. So this is an email head noise, you
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: guys know the fucking drill. You guys send me in
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: an email. I read out your email and we break
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: down what's going on in your head. Okay, we are
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: dressing the head noise in your head.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: I have a nice array of different topics that we're
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: going to cover today.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: I've got three.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: I've got one about age gut relationships. I've got one
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: about a close friendship where there's that fear that one
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: of them gets into a relationship.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: What's going to happen to the friendship. I've also got one.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: About prioritizing you know, big career moves over other things that.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: Are more you know, timeline sensitive.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: So I think this is something that really can resonate
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: with so many of us. I literally I was like,
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: actually resonate with you know a bunch of things on
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: this episode. So I'm very excited to actually read them
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: and break it down with you guys. So, without further ado,
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: let's get straight into the first question. Hi Alexis, I'm
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: a huge fan of your podcast. Found it because of
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: the rebrand and glow up miniseries.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: I love it when people find me on the miniseries,
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: and since then I've listened to your podcast religiously. I
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: have a problem that i'd like your opinion on ad advice.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: I'm in my mid twenties and I started dating a
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: couple of months ago, a man seventeen years older than me.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: He is amazing, treats me incredibly well, and he's not
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: some wido whose previous exes.
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: Are all younger.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: I really think we can build a good thing together,
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: but I'm very anxious about telling my family. They will
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: for sure not take it well and will be upset
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: with me and with the situation. I understand their concern
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: for sure, but I do want them to eventually accept
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: him and give him a chance. How do I tell
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: them and how do I prepare myself for their reaction?
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: Thank you?
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: PS would love an episode about age gap relationships, how
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: to navigate them, etc. Very uncommon, these big age gaps,
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: and it can feel lonely. Okay, firstly, awesome for writing in.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: I was in an age gap relationship. It was a
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: sixteen year age gap relationship, so quite similar to.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: Yours, and at the time I was twenty.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: Eight when I was in that relationship, twenty twenty eight,
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: twenty nine, turn twenty nine when I was in that relationship.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: And Okay, so you are in your mid twenties seventeen
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: years older.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: That's a big age gap. So I think it's fair
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: that you would.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: Imagine that your family is going to have a problem
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: with it, because they likely are going to have a
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: problem with that. And yes, he might be an exception
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: to the rule, but I think if that was anyone
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: in my family, and like, I don't like to be judgmental,
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: which is based on what I know and based on statistics,
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: and unfortunately, you know, you do judge people, You judge
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: the book by the cover, based on what you know,
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: are based on the history of other people than yourself.
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: It is normal.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: I also would be judgmental. I would maybe because it's
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: based on my history. But normally in an age gap
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: relationship there's there's a power dynamic issue. But having said that,
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: many times that is not the case. Okay, there are
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: many exceptions to the rule. You did mention that he's
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: not someone who all his exes are younger, so it's
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: not like he's got this, you know, an ie for
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: younger women and won't get anyone older. That's actually a
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: very good thing, and I think it's important that you
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: did know that that actually does say it explains a
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: bit about this person, this man. But I think you
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: want to look at how your family perceives this the
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: way you would like. You've got to be as unbiased
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: as possible and imagine that your little sister or one
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: of your best friends was in this situation.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: You're going to be concerned.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: It's kind of nice that they are concerned because they care,
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: and I know you haven't told them yet, but this
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: is likely going to be their reaction. I felt the
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: same way too, although my case was different because he
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: actually was a narcissist so and all his exes were
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: younger and he cheated anyway, the whole drama, so my
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: is different in the scenario that he actually was a pig.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: And I'm not saying that your partner is. But you
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: said it's been a couple of months, so you yourself.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: It's the early days. And I'm not saying, oh my god,
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: you wait, he's going to fuck you over, not at all,
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: but it is early days.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: So when you speak to your family, they're going to say, oh,
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: You've only known you for a few months. You've only this,
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: You've only known You have to prep yourself for what
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: your family is going to say and know that it
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: comes from a position of one hundred percent caring from
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: you and from hearing other stories. Separate to the fact
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: that it might be like put aside, Okay, we know
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: that he's not a creep. We know that he's not
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: doing it because he only goes for, you know, younger women,
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: because he's had old women in the past.
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: You obviously have a good thing going. Tick tick tick
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: tick tick.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: Separate to that, your family is also going to think
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: what difficulties or complications could this pose in your life?
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: Does he have a family already, other children? I don't
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: think he does, because you didn't mention it. If you
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: do want kids, what does that look like? Because a
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: seventeen year age gap is a big deal when you're
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: having kids.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: You can work through it. It's doable, but it is
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: a big age gap.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: How do you view major things within your life and
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: your perspectives from seventeen years apart? They are going you
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: I had many clashes with that. My sister's in a
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: relationship with someone, look like it's been eleven years or
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: something and they've got a ten year age gap, and
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: you never notice it. You never notice the ten years
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: or nine and a half years or whatever it is.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: So there's times that relationships you never notice and others
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: that you do. But these are all things that your
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: family is going to want to ask and question. And
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: I genuinely think that it's coming from obviously a place
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: of love and concern, and as hard as it is,
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: it's something to be grateful for because you've got people
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: out there caring for you, and you've just got to
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: expect it and embrace it. You've got to go in
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: saying listen before you speak, let me say my piece.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: I know I have a very strong feeling as to
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: how you're going to react, because I know that if
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: I was looking at a friend or a younger sibling,
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: I would have these reservations as well.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: But you need to I've just got to tell you
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: straight up, and I want to tell you earlier rather
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: than later. But I am in a relationship with this amazing,
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: amazing guy, but he is seventeen years older.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: Okay, let them process it. I remember when I told
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: my family, they were so lovely about it. But I
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: knew they did in love it.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: They were like, what would that look like in the.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: Future, And he's got kids and they're like teenagers and
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: how so they were asking me questions. They weren't angry,
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: but I could tell that there was concern. They're for sure, right,
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: so you have to expect a barrage of questions. You
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: have to expect them to be concerned as they should, okay,
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: because they're just caring for you. Now you said, I
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: want them to eventually accept them and give him a chance.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: The quick that you can tell them, the sooner they
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: will come around and give him that chance. I also
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: think that it is important that obviously your partner has
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: to be comfortable.
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: With this, but get them to meet him relatively soon.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: Don't make it an awkward thing of like, oh, I
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: don't want you to meet like you need to rip
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: the band aid off. And I'm not saying you have
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: like it's been two months you have to meet my family. No,
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: but have some sort of timeline where you think maybe
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: at the four month mark or the three month mark.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: Everyone's different with when you want people to meet your family.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: But I think in this scenario.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: Sooner rather than later, because once you tell them about
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: this relationship. You don't then want them festering and festering.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Who's this guy and what's he like? And it's almost
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: like you tell them and you say, so, I'd love
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: for you to meet him, you know, within the next
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: month or within a couple of weeks, would you guys?
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: You know, they will be open to it, and they
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: will want to meet him. Trust me. Even if they're like,
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: oh no, will work.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: Trust me, they want to know who this fucking person is. Okay,
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: So the sooner they meet him, the sooner they're going
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: to be able to start giving him a chance because.
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: They put an actual human.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: To the you know, the image of the person that
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: you've described. It's very easy to judge someone when you're
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: just rattling off the age, this is how long we've
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: been together, the bang, bang. It's very easy to form
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: this image in your head of what this person could
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: be like, and if they have an ulterior motive. The
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: moment you put a human interaction in there, it starts
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: to soften. They're hard opinions.
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: Okay, so sooner other than later.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: And you say, how do I tell them and how
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: do I prepare myself in the reaction. So you've got
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: to tell them as soon as possible, and don't leave
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: anything off the table.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: If there are children, if there.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: Is kids, if if you say it all in one go,
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: if you make it look like you're hiding, it means
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: there is something to hide. Okay, it's going to be
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: hard for you, it's going to be hard for them.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: There is no easy way. There is no easy way,
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: but sooner other than later. If there's anything else you
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: need to add, that's a detail that's actually important, you
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: mention it, Okay, something relevant to the relationship. Is he divorced,
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: you know, has he gone through multiple marriages only one
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: or none? If he's never been married.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: Why is that?
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: Think about questions that they're going to ask you, and
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: you know, kind of put yourself in their shoes, and
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: then you give them the option to say when they
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: want to meet him, and of course you've spoken to him,
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: pryor say listen, I'm going to and I'm sure that
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: he knows. I'm going to prep my family and tell
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: them about this age gap. Will you be willing to
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: meet them within the next couple of weeks. Okay, it's
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: got to be something that you have to rip the
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: bandaid of because if you prolong and it becomes this
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: long thing, everyone's going to be anxious. Everyone's going to
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: be awkward, and the day that you all meet is
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: just going to be You'll be sweating through your eyeballs.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: I can tell you not worth the stress. But really
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: really good question. And you know, if he is as
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: you say he is, and everything's great and peachy and
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: nice and he's not some psychopath who only goes for
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: younger women, then genuinely good luck with a relationship in
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: your family will come around. And I do think that's
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: a good idea to do an age gut relationship episode.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: Maybe I'll put a call out for people to send
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: in their questions specifically around age gut relationships and we
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: can do a deeper dive. Okay, next question, Hi, Alexis,
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: thanks for being such a legend in the self help community,
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: and congrats on your two little nuggets.
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: They are a little they are my little nuggets.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: I wanted to ask you a question about career changes
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: in your early thirties. I have a ten year kee
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: marketing career, which has been really great. I've learned so
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: much and met many incredible people. However, I realized despite
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: the fancy corporate job and six figure salary, I wasn't
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: happy and fulfilled as such, I'm pursuing my dream of
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: becoming a psychologist and will be studying my masters this year.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: So far, I've managed to juggle work and study, but
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: masters is very demanding, fucking right, so it's time to
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: shift to part time work and really make the break.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: I'm excited and thrilled, but obviously also shitting myself. The
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: financial pressure of living in Sydney and a part time
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: whage is scary. Oh honestly it fucking would be. Sydney's
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: fucked with the cost of living. I'm sure many other
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: cities are, but Sydney is definitely one of them. I
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: also live alone, which I know is a privilege, but
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: I have never been more content in my life than
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: I am right now compared to living in share houses,
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: slash at home slash with ex partners. I'm working on
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: the practical things I could do for extra passive income,
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: such as pet sitting, but I think what is weighing
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: me down is facing the real of the sacrifice required
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: to really make a career change and chase your dreams
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: as an independent.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: Adult in the world.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: The people around me are getting married, having babies, climbing
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: the corporate ladder, while I am a single girl who
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: values this career change above anything else. Right now, I
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: do want to meet someone and have kids, et cetera.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: But I also have so much to accomplish before I
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: can even visualize that part of my life. How do
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: I balance living my authentic life with the fear of
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: falling behind in manifacets of life? Any thoughts much appreciated.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: I feel like you're just doing the right thing. I
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: feel like you know what is a priority, and that
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: is your career right now. I think you are minn
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: aareing about this quote unquote timeline is actually going to
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: get you nowhere, because whether you're festering about it and
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: thinking about it or not, your actions are going to
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: stay the same. You have made the decision that you're
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: doing part time work. You're doing all this stuff around,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: you know, in other things to make up money so
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: you can maintain living independently and do your masters.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: So these seem like your two priorities.
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: Do the master's degree, complete it so you can be
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: psychologist and maintain living independently.
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: Okay, so that's going to cut out time for social things.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: It's going to cut out a lot of opportunities in
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: other areas as far as meeting people, dating, whatever. Because
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: you are working and you're also trying to save money.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: It seems like you don't want to go into a
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: share hoouse situation or move back home. It seems like
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: the area that you're living in is where you want
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: to live in. So I think if I were you,
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: I would just knuckle down during this master's degree and
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: make it happen. Because you chose to go part time
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: with work and not part time on the masters, so
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: you are, which I think is fabulous. I mean no
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: judgment either way, but I think that's great because it
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: means you're like, I want to fast track this thing.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: I want to I want this career change now.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: So I think that.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: There shouldn't ever be a balance of living your authentic
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: life versus something else. That's not something to balance. Your
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: authentic life is who you are, okay, and if you
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: are already living out who you are, even if there's
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: financial pressures, but if you can make it work, if
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: you can make ends meet, that is, you'd live in
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: your authentic self. If you meet someone along the way,
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: you meet someone along the way, and you cross that
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: bridge when.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: You come to it.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: But this fear of falling behind, What are you falling
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: behind from a life that you actually wouldn't be fulfilled
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: right now? You literally said, I can't even visualize that
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: part of my life. So what are you falling behind
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: on a life that, if you were in it right now,
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: you would be wishing you had focused on your career.
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: You'd be thinking, oh, maybe I did.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: This too soon in oh forty forty forty forty for
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: the rest of your life. So I think you need
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: to gently slap yourself and say, I'm doing everything I
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: want to be doing.
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: My future self would.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: Look back at me right now and be so proud
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: of me that I made the call, that I've taken
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: that pay card, that I'm doing what I know long
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: term is going to be so fulfilling and it's going
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: to make me so happy.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: There is nothing to question.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: I think you just need to give yourself a reality
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: check knowing that you're doing all the right things, because
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: that other part of your life will become a reality
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: when you are ready for it. You don't even you
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: kind of visualize that part of your lif so I
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: don't think you're emotionally ready for it because you are
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: so engrossed in this career thing, which is beautiful. I
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: love that, and I think if more people felt that way,
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: they wouldn't feel so like.
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: A lot of the timeline.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: The timeline, the timeline, because whether you stress about it
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: or not, it's going to happen when it happens. Okay,
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: you might meet someone tomorrow and think I can't pass
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: this person up. It's too good an opportunity, love them
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: so much, they are my person whatever, and it is
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: what it is, and then you have to juggle even more.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: But I don't think you need to be going out
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: to meet someone because there is a timeline because that
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: I don't think that's going to make you feel any
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: better about your situation. I think what's going to make
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: you feel happy is doing what you're doing right now.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: You just need to cut the head noise and commit
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: to one option, and it's the option that you're already
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: in right now. You've already made the hard decisions, You're
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: in it now.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: That's all you need to do.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: So you should be very impressed with yourself that you
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: did that and you're where you are right now, So applaud, applaud,
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: gentle slap, gentle slap, and a backhand and then pat
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: yourself on the back. Okay, next one, since.
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: Title the beginning of the end.
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: Love these titles watching my best friend start dating, and
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: I'm not ready to lose them in brackets. So then
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: they wrote, because I know you love a dramatic title,
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: I love the dramatic title.
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: I just love it.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: Hi, girl, I genuinely love your podcast. It's been such
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: a lifesaver. So my best friend and I are extremely close.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: We used to live together in a sharehouse, and we've
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: traveled a lot together.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: We just did a euro trip. We were in the
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: same degree.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: We're both super ambitious, and our dynamic feels really fulfilling.
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: We text pretty much every day.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: We do late night drives for food yapps, and study
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: for ungodly hours together at the library. He is honestly
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: my favorite person, and I feel really content with the
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: relationship we have. I'm a woman and here's a guy
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: who's ninety percent gay, quote unquote. I'm genuinely happy for
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: him and I want him to have a loving relationship.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: But I can't ignore this fee that for that to happen,
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: we won't be each other's number one anymore, like the
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: first person you call with good news, the.
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: Person you prioritize above everyone else. And I think that's
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: what I'm grieving before it's even happened.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: On my side, I'm twenty three and I've been single
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: my whole life with nothing close to a relationship. He's
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: had three partners, male and female. I feel like I
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: should be dating, but when life is good, I feel
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: genuinely fulfilled by my friendships and my careers, so I'm
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: not desperate for a relationship, even though I crave physical
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: emotional intimacy. What I am struggling with is this limbo.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: If I date, I'm scared that the friendship I love
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: will eventually become second priority, and I think it's mentally
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: blocking me from seeking out relationships. If he dates, I
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: get jealous, even though it's not fair, because it means
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: that our dynamic must change and I become a bad
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: friend and also feel really downslash depressed in myself.
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: I don't want to be possessive. I'm deeply supportive and
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: I want.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: The best for him, but I don't know how to
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: mentally handle the idea of my favorite person not being
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: my favorite person anymore, and vice versa. I know this
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: is a part of growing up, but I don't know
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: how to process it or how to let the relationship
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: evolve without feeling threatened or heartbroken.
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: I briefly spoke about it with him and he said.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: He really and he really just said that it's okay
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: that relationships change, that's normal. We will still be friends,
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: which didn't provide any mental relief. How do I deal
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: with this change healthily because it's really affecting me. Thanks
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: for your help, Okay, I would This is one of
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: those like I mean, I always do want to ask
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: more questions, but this one in particular, because I would
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: be interested to know in how many other close relationships
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: you have And do you feel like this is almost
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: like a dependency, an emotional dependent relationship. Is there a
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: bit of codependency going on here in the sense that
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: you are expecting this friend to serve us all of
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: your emotional needs.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: Maybe one of the reasons why you don't really crave.
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: Going out there and having a relationship for yourself is
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: because you feel like you're getting all your relationship needs
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: emotionally serviced by your best friend.
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: Okay, your best friend.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: Obviously adores you, but it seems like they're not as
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: intensely feeling.
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: That way towards you. They still see you as.
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: A best friend, but they don't have this like dependency,
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: emotional dependency because the dated three people. They say, it's
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: okay that relationships change.
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: That's normal.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to give you an example, my own
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: personal example. You guys know, well, I don't know how
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: long you've been listening to my podcast for, but my
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: best friend Lives, She's been on the podcast many times.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: And if you followed me, if you're like one of
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: the podcast beans that followed me from like when the
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: podcast started, or even prior when you followed me on
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: Instagram prior to that, Live has been like a constant
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: in my life for such a long time, okay, And
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: we are very very very close, always have been. And
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: I think the credit to Live and to me is
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: that we have allowed for each other's lives to continue
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: to evolve and adapt and evolve and adapt through many
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: many seasons, and we evolve and adapt with them. We
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: don't think, but if you change, we will change. Because
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: our friendship has seen many changes. We used to live
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: I mean very lucky for us. We always happened to
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: continuously move to similar suburbs near each other, so we're
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: very lucky for that. But you know, when we were
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: both single twenty nineteen, twenty twenty single era, right, we
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: were at each other's house all the time when it
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: was lockdown in Sydney and we had those lockdown laws
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: and you could nominate one person. We were each other's
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: nominated person that if we were in each other's homes,
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: it would find because we were that person, right, Like,
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: it was just we would go for walks every morning
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: with her dog Leicester. We would do like lockdown pretty
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: much was just live and meet living. We never even
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: lived together, but like living in each other's pockets. Okay,
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: then of course you know things lifted. Another thing that
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: I want to say is how big is your social
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: circle outside of this friend? Are you expecting all your
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: needs to be met by one friend? Or do you
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: have a whole circle of friends or even a small
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: circle friends but other friends that where you get other
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: needs met. Because I think it's important to understand what
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: are my emotional needs and am I expecting them all
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: to be met by this one person?
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: Okay?
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: Because the other thing I want to say is if
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: you switch to a relationship and you fall in love,
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: I also don't think that you should expect your romantic
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: partner to service all of your emotional needs. I think
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: that's why my friendship with Live has done so well
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: during the single times, during the relationship times, and when
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: both of us now have children, we are still very close.
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: Now do we see each other as often? No, we don't.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: Luckily, we live very close together, so we are seeing
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: each other minimum once a week, sometimes more.
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: But it's not like we used to see each other
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: almost every day.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: That's not the case, and you know we you have
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: to allow for that into friendship. The beauty of it
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: was that both of us when we entered our romantic relationships,
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: we had our needs met from a romantic relationship standpoint,
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: but it never replaced this bestie. Yes, Tyrone one of
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: my best friends in the scheme of closeness and friendship,
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: but he didn't replace what Live gave to me as
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: a best friend. Emotionally, that was never replaced. That never
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: gets taken away if it's healthy. But if you say
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: to one person, you are responsible for making me feel secure,
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: making me feel like I'm your number one making me
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: feel this. It is making me feel that project project, project,
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: project responsibility.
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: Dumping, dumping, dumping, dumping.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: You're making this person feel very fucking heavy and very responsible,
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: and it's dangerous territory. Okay, because I know that you're
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: scared and you're fearful. But this also has to do
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: with a bit of a relationship with with yourself and
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: how much you feel you know, you know, how would
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: you feel if he just, you know, basically started flaking
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: out of your life altogether? Would you feel like you
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: have enough friendships where you feel like your your emotional
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: needs are being met. Okay, because if you'd say, oh
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: my god, I'd be fucked, I'd have absolutely no and
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: I'd be fun. Everyone would be sad if their best
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: friend flecked on them and disappeared and didn't want to
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: be a friend. So taking away the rational, absolute sadness
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: that you would feel if your best friend left, would
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: you feel like all your happiness is gone, all your
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: emotional connections are gone. Because if that's the case, then
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: I think you need to look at your current dynamic
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: with relationships in general. But you cannot put everything on
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: one person, whether that's your partner romantically or whether it's
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: your friend. And I think the reason you're having this
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: fear is because you are doing this because you are
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: putting all the expectations on having all your emotional needs
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: met by this friend. You also think that that's what
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: a romantic partner has to represent. You think, well, if
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: I had a romantic partner, then the responsibility shifts over
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: to them. So I think it's actually how you view
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: close relationships that's causing you to have these fears. You
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: also think that your best friends should be reflecting the
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: same thing. I think your best friend has much healthier
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: of you on relationships because he said it's okay, relationships
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: change and that's normal.
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: They do change, and it is normal and it.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: Doesn't have to be You don't have to be less
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: close just because Live and I don't see each other
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: as often. She's still the person that I like, bang
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: pick up the phone. Like when she found out that
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: she was pregnant. I was one of the first outside
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: of her family. It was the first person she told
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: straight away, same same as me outside of my family.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: Live was the first person who found out, Like, we
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: are still each other's person. We just don't see each
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: other as much, but has that minimized the closeness of
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: our relationship.
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: No, so you will still have you.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: If you do it properly, because if you become to
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: the issue is if you get clingy and jealous, that's
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: when you push people away. That's when people are like,
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: you're not my responsibility. I love you as a friend,
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: but you are not my responsibility. So don't dumb this
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: on me, and don't make me feel bad for dating.
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: This is what's going to happen if you project.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: Okay, but if you can say, listen, I'm going to
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: celebrate you going out on dates. I can't wait to
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: if this person ends up being your partner. I can't
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: wait to be their friend. I can't wait for us
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: all to hang out and then we still have our
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: one on one hangout.
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: I can't wait to have you know.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: I now have a great personal relationship with all my
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: friends partners. You know, one of my gay best friends,
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: I'm now really close with his husband now, Like, so
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: you create these close this closeness with their partner if
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: you navigate it properly. Okay, So yeah, I think you
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: have to really understand when he says it's okay that
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: relationships change. He's not saying we're just going to fade
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: away and you're going to be an acquaintance. He's saying
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: that we might not see each other every single day,
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: We're still going to be really close.
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: But I do have I will have a partner, and
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: you might as well. And my worry is.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: That when you get a romantic partner, you're the kind
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: of person that forgets that your friends exist because you
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: just replace, oh you servi.
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: Stoll my names. Now my partner's going to servive st
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: all my names. I don't need you guys anymore.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: There's many people like that who are such intense friends
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: there for absolutely everything.
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: So like they're the ones that initiate initiation.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: Then they get a partner and they're like, see you guys, thanks, cheers,
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: my partner will take it from here. So just make
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: sure that you're not doing that. How evenly spread are
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: you feeling emotionally having your needs met by other people?
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: So I think this is more some like a queue
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: or like a little alarm for you to start really
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: taking inventory of the kind of relationships that you have
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: with your friends and what your expectations are off your friends,
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: because your friend is not responsible for you emotionally, and
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: right now, I think you are feeling that this way.
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: Your friend is completely in the right saying that relationships change,
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: but you're thinking that when he says relationships change, it's
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: all bad.
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: But it's not. It means you find a bit of balance.
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: You might not have us much time, you could still
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: be the number one person.
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: You could be the number one person that he calls
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: to tell things with for the rest of your life.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: I genuinely think that sometimes your best friends are your soulmates.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: You know, some of my friendships are just that, you know,
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: I get things from my friendships, from my girlfriends that
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: I don't get from Tyrone. And it's not that I've
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: got something lacking in my relationship. It actually makes me
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: happier in my life relationship because I don't expect everything
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: from tyrone, because you get that balance if you do
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: it properly. Because you can get the balance. You can
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: get certain things from your best friends, certain conversations or
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: style of conversations or banter from your best friends. Are
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: the things from your romantic partner? Are the things from
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: your family?
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: And then you're not thinking, well, you aren't making me
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: feel this way or ah, because one person can't do
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: it all for you.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: You need to spread it out and not expect you
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: to be the answer to everything in all my emotional whatever.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: That is how you're going to feel a lot happier.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: That is how you're going to feel genuinely happy for
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: your best friend when he finds a partner, and you're
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: actually going to want to be friends with his partner.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: Because if you keep going the way you're going, you're
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: going to push him away, and you're going to say
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: he abandoned me.
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: It's a self fulfilling prophecy. He wouldn't have abandoned you.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: You would have pushed him away because you would have
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: been jealous of his new partner. You would have made
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: some smart remarks or pulled to face or shown because
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: you can't hide it that you don't like the fact
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: and you're jealous that he's got a partner. So he
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: would have felt uncomfortable making you met his partner, and
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: then that's when the friendship would have changed. That's what's
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: going to happen if you don't pay close attention. So
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: you've got to think, how can I actually be so.
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: Happy about the new partner.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: Whenever it does happen that they come into the fold
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: and I get a new best friend as well. Okay,
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: because it's not me against them, it's we are growing
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: as a family.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: A friends are your family. And when they find their person,
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: what more could you want from them?
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: What more could you want? You want them to be
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: in love? You want that's a real friend. A real
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: friend is you know. I want you to find happiness,
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: and if I'm here celebrating it for you, I'm just
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: going to, you know, be a part of that.
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: I'm going to be, you know, the fun fucking third wheel.
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: And then when I find my partner, the four of
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: us can all hang out and it's going to be
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: fucking amazing. So you want to change your attitude so
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: it turns into that kind of attitude, and trust me,
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: you're going to feel so much lighthearted, better, happier.
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: You get more friends. It's just more, more, as more
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: and more as more.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: Okay, And what he is talking about that change, it's
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: that kind of change. It's like, yes, someone else comes
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: into the fold, Yes there might be more people, but
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: we can always be each other's number one person to
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: call when something dramatic goes down.
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: Okay, so it's not all bad.
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: You just have to come from a more open, loving
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: space instead of a hoarding I possess you, I own you.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: When you try and control situations outside of you, it's
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: because you are not in control of your emotions. If
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: you can control your emotions and feel you know, I
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: don't own these people, but I'm here to embrace the change,
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: then you can have a friendship that lasts until very
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: until you're fucking one hundred and ten years old.
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: Hopefully that helped, and it was a bit of tough love,
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: but I feel like I just don't want you to
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: sabotage this relationship unnecessarily. You need to release the reins
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: a bit and welcome new eras in the friendship. And
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: that's how the friendship lasts. Okay, don't make it a
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: self feeling prophecy when then you're standing there playing the victim,
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: being like I knew this would happened when you were
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: the one that eventually pushed him away because of this fear. Okay,
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: but great fucking question. Can I just say, and great title?
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: So thank you, awesome guys, love you so much, thank
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: you for writing in That is the head noise episode
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: for Today Friday is going to be the Voice note
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: Head noise episode.
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: That is all.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: As always, remember be kind to yourself, be kind to
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: your brain, don't text it from anyone, and especially don't
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: text it from yourself.
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: Dunk it