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The Vicious Cycle of Trauma Bonded Relationships · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
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  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
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  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
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  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
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  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend here with me.
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  SPEAKER_01: And today we're going to be talking about trauma bonding.
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  SPEAKER_01: So when we think about bonds, the first thing that generally comes to mind is maybe bonding with somebody in a safe, warm, cozy feeling that you get from that connection with the other person.
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  SPEAKER_01: But trauma bonding is not that at all.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: When we're talking about trauma bonds, a person ends up feeling attached to someone who is actually harming them.
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  SPEAKER_01: And in these trauma bonds, the victim often feels a strong sense of loyalty to the person who is actually abusing them.
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  SPEAKER_01: They mistake the abuser's behavior for love.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I know those are really heavy words to use, right?
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  SPEAKER_01: Victim, abuser, but it's important that we start naming these things for what they are.
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  SPEAKER_01: The more we shy away from naming them, we're actually, in essence, uh shaming.
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  SPEAKER_01: We're shaming ourselves because shame is all about hiding and keeping things in the dark.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so we, if we can actually give ourselves permission to start naming things boldly, we can start working through them.
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  SPEAKER_01: And the same thing goes for this topic of trauma bonds.
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  SPEAKER_01: So when we think about this, we in order to understand it, I want you to see if you can imagine being in a relationship with somebody who's incredibly charming and caring at times, but then all of a sudden they become emotionally manipulative, hurtful, or maybe verbally or emotionally abusive.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so even though after being cruel, the other person will return to acting friendly and affectionate.
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  SPEAKER_01: So it's almost like this whiplash effect that's happening.
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  SPEAKER_01: You know, where you're in this relationship, everything seems okay, then all of a sudden you're being manipulated or hurt, and then we're back to this loving loop.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: And this loving loop is what we refer to as, and that loop is what we refer to as that trauma bond, right?
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  SPEAKER_01: We're going around and around.
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  SPEAKER_01: So in these trauma bonds, in these relationships, and these toxic relationships, the victims become emotionally dependent on the abuser, and they usually start defending and rationalizing the behavior.
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  SPEAKER_01: Because what happens is at certain intermittent times, there's this hope for possibility of a happier, better relationship.
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  SPEAKER_01: Because when you're in that midst of the loving, charmful part, you start to think, well, maybe something's changed.
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  SPEAKER_01: Maybe, maybe actually something is okay.
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  SPEAKER_01: But then you're once again you're right back in it.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so these trauma bonds are are formed in these relationships by this toxic cycle, this intermittent affection.
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  SPEAKER_01: And this trauma bond cycle uh is really when we the victim starts craving that attention.
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  SPEAKER_01: Even though it's negative, there's this there's this connection that happens between this cycle, you know, and really what's happening in the trauma bond is there is a dopamine hit that's happening.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: And and truth be told, as human beings, we want connection.
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  SPEAKER_01: We want to belong, we want acceptance.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so underneath all of this is this desire to be loved and cared for.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so even though that this is coming in the form of a toxic cyclic, cyclical bond, it still becomes the narrative, it still becomes uh, you know, kind of conditioned, conditioned behavior.
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  SPEAKER_01: So, how do we break free when we're recognizing that we're in this situation?
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  SPEAKER_01: Well, the first thing is to acknowledge that you're in this trauma bond cycle.
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  SPEAKER_01: The first step from breaking free is awareness, right?
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  SPEAKER_01: We gotta become aware, we've got to acknowledge that this thing is happening and in a very unshaming way.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: If you're stuck in that shaming perspective of like putting yourself down and telling yourself that there's something wrong with you for being in this cycle, that's step number one is you gotta go through the unshaming.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: Another really important thing is to seek support from people like a therapist or a coach or a support group because when you're in this cycle, it is very detrimental to your emotional and mental health.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's really important to establish and enforce personal boundaries, really getting clear on what is okay and what is not okay, and knowing full well that when you start setting those boundaries, it's gonna be scary and it's gonna be uncomfortable because you haven't set the boundaries before, so it's gonna be uncomfortable for you.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: And the person on the receiving end of the boundaries is gonna feel uh uncomfortable as well because you haven't had the boundaries before.
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  SPEAKER_01: Developing a sense of self-awareness and self-care practices is essential when you're going through this situation.
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  SPEAKER_01: Self-awareness allows you to understand the influence that this manipulation is having on you.
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  SPEAKER_01: The self-awareness gives you the ability to understand your feelings, your triggers, your patterns.
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  SPEAKER_01: It gives you the ability to understand what are the belief systems that are taking that are in play, what's the operating procedure there?
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: And being able to take care of yourself, self-care practices, learning that it's not selfish to take care of yourself, doing things like hobbies, exercise, doing things that bring you joy, mindfulness, social interactions that are supportive are really important.
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  SPEAKER_01: Gradually reducing your contact with the person who's abusing you in this situation is really also another step towards breaking this trauma bond.
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  SPEAKER_01: Your coach can absolutely guide you through this process.
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  SPEAKER_01: Again, not always easy, but this is really important to be able to start reclaiming who you are outside of the pattern that has been established.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: And then, of course, starting to challenge those unhealthy thought patterns, right?
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  SPEAKER_01: Un starting to challenge what's been conditioned and rebuilding your self-esteem and your independence, rebuilding your belief in self, rebuilding your ability to self-trust, because self-trust is such it takes a hit when you're in those trauma bonds because the self-doubt starts to take over.
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  SPEAKER_01: And it's important to recognize that after you're detaching from this bond, you're going to feel sadness.
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  SPEAKER_01: There's going to be a sense of grief.
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  SPEAKER_01: There might even be some resentment and some anger.
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  SPEAKER_01: You might even feel a little bit of relief.
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  SPEAKER_01: And it's just to know that there's going to be a gamut of emotions that come with it.
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  SPEAKER_01: And having that support system as you go through those emotions is going to be important, as well as you being able to recognize the emotions and not run away from them.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: Remembering that emotions are information.
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  SPEAKER_01: They bring you information of something that you need or a value that you have.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so it's going towards those emotions instead of running away from them.
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  SPEAKER_01: It's important to recognize that the process of breaking out of a trauma bond or the toxic cycle is not going to be a one and done.
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  SPEAKER_01: It's not an easy one, two, three, and I'm done.
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  SPEAKER_01: Most often it takes time, but more than that, it takes self-compassion.
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  SPEAKER_01: It's really leaning into kindness over judgment because it's so easy to get caught up in judging yourself for being in the cycle.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: And instead, it's about kindness.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: How have I grown?
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  SPEAKER_01: What have I learned?
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  SPEAKER_01: What can I take from this?
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  SPEAKER_01: What would you tell your best friend or a family member that you love in this situation?
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  SPEAKER_01: Offer that to yourself at the same time.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: If you'd like to talk about this or anything else that you feel that coaching might be able to help you with in terms of moving you forward professionally or personally, please feel free to book a time anytime to speak with me at coachwithcomedy.com.
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  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
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  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
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  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
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  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.