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S2E49 - When Siblings Clash: Rebuilding Connection Through Presence and Patience · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  I am answering a question from Jenn in Connecticut.
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  And this question is about her two teenage boys
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  that are struggling in their relationship with each other
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  and the navigation of that dynamic in the family.
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  So Jenn,
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  thank you so much for the email,
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  for reaching out.
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  So I'm gonna read parts of her email and then we'll dive in together.
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  We were recommended to participate in family therapy,
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  but the boys refused.
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  They are 17 and 14.
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  Both are in individual therapy and liking it.
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  I'm reaching out as our boys continue to have a conflictual relationship
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  and seem incapable or unwilling to tolerate each other.
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  We are unable to spend time as a family
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  for years,
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  but it seems to be getting worse.
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  Any attempts my husband or I make to connect as a family
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  are met with refusal or them arguing.
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  And they've been resistant to CCPT,
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  so I'm feeling a little discouraged and heartbroken.
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  All right,
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  Jenn,
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  thank you so much.
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  So this is a really interesting scenario.
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  I think often.
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  There's
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  what we call a slow fade.
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  And what I mean is
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  there are all kinds of micro experiences
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  that add up
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  and those individual experiences
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  are really kind of trivial and insignificant and benign along the way
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  but over the course of years
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  they accrue.
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  And now all of a sudden the present moment
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  is clouded by
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  thousands of micro experiences
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  that
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  took place already
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  that are now influencing what's going on in the moment and
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  that sounds like what has likely taken place with your boys
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  for a variety of reasons they've had
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  disagreements,
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  difference in personality.
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  Conflict,
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  some kind of struggle,
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  one felt
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  misunderstood,
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  one felt disrespected,
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  one felt laughed at,
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  judged,
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  criticized,
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  whatever the scenario is.
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  Or they breathed on each other,
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  you know,
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  I mean it can be really insignificant things sometimes,
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  but
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  you end up with boys that
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  just don't feel like they
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  enjoy each other's company,
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  and this is consistent in all relationships.
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  This is not just sibling relationships.
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  And I know that
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  you actually have
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  interesting scenario because there are neurodivergent issues as well.
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  So there's a lot of factors here.
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  Here's what I think will be an encouragement to you and probably to many of you that
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  feel like you're maybe you are currently in a
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  relationship or you see within the family dynamics,
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  there are relationships that are similar to this.
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  The fact that they're both in individual therapy,
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  that's
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  the most helpful start
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  for the remedy,
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  and here's what I mean.
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  The
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  identified client,
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  so anyone in a family that is in therapy,
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  they become the change agent for the whole family.
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  So even if only one person in the family is in therapy.
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  The fact that they are changing,
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  it will naturally change the family as well.
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  This is statistically proven and known.
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  They are both in individual therapy,
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  which means they're both changing.
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  They're both becoming better versions of themselves.
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  They are both working on
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  whatever they need to work on.
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  So by nature of them being in therapy,
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  they will both
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  create change
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  in the family,
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  in the sibling relationship,
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  in the entire dynamic at home,
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  and it's often slow,
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  and it's often only seen in hindsight.
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  But there will be shifts.
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  So that bodes really well,
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  Jenn,
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  that
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  we know the identified client becomes the change agent in the family.
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  Keep
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  them both in therapy,
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  moral of that story.
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  Second of all,
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  it sounds as though
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  they
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  really just
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  don't have any way to connect right now.
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  You can't force connection.
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  So what sounds to me like it might be a healthy fit.
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  I
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  You
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  spend 30 minutes
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  with one son,
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  your husband spends 30 minutes with the other son.
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  This becomes a planned activity
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  and then
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  later in the week you switch.
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  And so if it's the 17 year old on Monday with you,
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  then it'll be the 14 year old on Thursday with you.
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  And it becomes a scenario
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  where both boys look forward to one on one time with
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  each of their parents.
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  There's no agenda.
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  They get to decide what you do.
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  You're there just to unconditionally accept them,
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  to let them decide what happens
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  if they want to.
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  Show you something,
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  teach you something,
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  play something,
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  talk,
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  make something,
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  go for a walk,
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  go fishing,
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  throw a football,
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  whatever it is
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  they get to decide what to do.
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  There's no expectation there's no agenda if they choose to
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  do nothing other than have you sit next to them.
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  If they don't talk to you,
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  if they don't look at you,
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  if they act as if you're not even there,
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  you're just gonna be present for 30 minutes.
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  Here's what you're instilling in them.
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  You are unconditionally loved and accepted.
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  No matter what.
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  I don't have agenda.
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  I'm not waiting for you to talk.
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  I'm not waiting for you to engage.
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  I'm not waiting for you to meet my needs.
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  I'm not waiting for you to make me happy.
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  I'm just going to be here with you because I unconditionally love and accept you.
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  And if you're consistent
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  over time.
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  They will start to realize
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  who they are.
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  They'll start to realize who they want to be.
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  They will start to self-actualize.
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  This is the child-centered way.
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  So as each boy gets time with each parent.
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  They will naturally become better versions of themselves.
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  They will naturally feel more loved and accepted at home.
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  That will naturally trickle into their relationship with each other.
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  It will not happen overnight.
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  It will not be a quick light switch kind of flip.
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  But as they continue in therapy and as they continue to receive
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  time with no agenda,
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  unconditional acceptance,
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  they learn.
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  I
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  like who I am.
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  I know who I am.
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  I trust who I am.
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  I accept who I am.
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  Those are powerful statements and as self-esteem increases,
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  look,
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  we know just noticing a child is a powerful builder of self-esteem.
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  That's one of the rules of thumb from
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  the parent training.
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  So
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  we know just noticing a child build self-esteem.
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  I think both of your boys really do not have a sense of who they are.
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  Based on what you're describing,
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  I think they have very low self-concept.
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  As they start to understand more who they are and they like themselves more
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  and their self-esteem increases and their self-confidence increases,
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  they will naturally
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  be OK
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  with each other
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  in a new context.
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  It will change the dynamic.
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  When you have two people that don't like themselves,
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  they're certainly not going to like each other.
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  So they will naturally evolve
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  into more confident beings.
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  And when you like yourself and when you accept yourself.
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  You're much more tolerant,
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  you're much more gracious,
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  you're much more patient,
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  you're much more understanding,
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  all kinds of things change for you.
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  So Jenn,
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  I hope that that's helpful.
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  I,
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  I know that a lot of parents
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  struggle with relationship dynamics and relational conflicts.
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  So thank you so much for the email.
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  I appreciate you reaching out.
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  If you have a question,
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  if you'd like to say hello,
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  if you wanna run something by me about your kids or your family,
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  please reach out,
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  brenna@thekidcounselor.com
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  brenna@thekidcounselor.com
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  I'd love to hear from you.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.