Latest / Trauma Free Relationship / How To Create 'Real' Transformation In Your Relationship

Transcript

How To Create 'Real' Transformation In Your Relationship · Trauma Free Relationship

0:04
Welcome back to Trauma Free Relationship.
0:07
If you're not familiar with me, my name is Tom Phillip and I've
0:10
been helping couples for decades break the painful patterns that
0:15
keep them stuck so that they can communicate better, repair more
0:19
quickly, and stay connected longer.
0:22
Now, in this episode, we're going to talk about something
0:25
that that I've certainly seen over the arc of my career in
0:30
helping couples, and that is that a lot of couples come in
0:34
and they will engage in coaching or therapy what it whatever it
0:40
is they want. Their goals are to to seek out
0:45
of our time together. And often times what will happen
0:49
is when things will get a little bit better, then they decide
0:52
that's good enough. And So what I want to talk about
0:56
today is what we call 1st order versus 2nd order change.
1:02
First order change is change that that can improve the
1:06
relationship. But sometimes it's surface
1:09
change, it's arguing less or it's focus on focusing on
1:12
certain behaviors. Whereas second order change is
1:17
really more transformational change in the relationship, it's
1:23
change that actually sustains real transformation for the long
1:28
term in the relationship. So you know, most couples seek
1:32
what I call surface changes. Today we're going to dig in and
1:36
we're going to talk about the difference between the two and
1:38
find out what is it that creates real transformation in your
1:43
relationship. All right, let's dig in.
1:46
So as I mentioned, 1st order change, it's, it's just a
1:50
psychological term. It's, it's nothing fancy.
1:52
Basically what that means is that it tends to be primarily
1:55
more surface change. And, and while that is important
1:59
and can be important in the life of the relationship or in the
2:02
life of the person, it doesn't necessarily create lasting
2:07
change. So let me give you some
2:08
examples. Most couples that come to see me
2:12
and want to work with me say overwhelmingly, we need to work
2:16
on our communication. We need better communication.
2:20
And, and they're right. They're not wrong about that.
2:22
Communication has broken down. But if I give them say
2:26
communication tools or techniques or say hey, start
2:29
using I statements instead of you statements.
2:33
The reason that doesn't always work in the real world as a as a
2:37
long term solution, it can be short term but not long term is
2:41
because when you get triggered by each other, the I statements
2:45
go out the window. And So what really is happening
2:49
is underneath the surface, the system is still the same, even
2:53
though we're changing what feels like more surface level stuff.
2:57
Yes, we do need to restore communication and connection,
3:01
but what's happening is we're not really getting at the root
3:04
of the problem, which is often what feels more like second
3:09
order change as opposed to 1st order change.
3:12
So promising not to yell, trying to take deep breaths, those are
3:18
all important behavioral changes.
3:21
But if we just stop there, often what happens then is the couple
3:26
won't get stuck in making surface changes, but not
3:31
necessarily more systemic changes.
3:33
This is why I and and many other people as well focus so much on
3:39
the cycle. Because the cycle often times is
3:42
the first step to being able to create more real
3:46
transformational change in the relationship. 2nd order change.
3:51
So the cycle comes along, the couple tries to communicate
3:55
something, it escalates. They get frustrated, they take a
3:59
break, they calm down. They might come back together
4:03
and repair, but most often they don't.
4:06
And So what ends up happening is they go back to their normal way
4:10
of being, what we call homeostasis, back to their norm.
4:15
So they've they, they don't need a break anymore.
4:17
They've warm back up, they're speaking to each other, they've
4:20
they've kind of shoved it under the carpet, so to speak.
4:24
And now they're just back into their everyday to day life until
4:27
it happens again. And so whatever promises were
4:31
made, well, I'm, I'm sorry I got upset or I won't yell.
4:34
Or if you could just say it like this next time.
4:37
Those things ultimately don't work and they don't work because
4:41
we're not getting below the surface at creating real change
4:45
in the relationship. And that is being able to
4:48
identify our cycle, being able to interrupt it in real time,
4:55
being able to regulate our emotions.
4:58
These are what we call 2nd order changes.
5:02
And 2nd order changes means we're getting at sort of the
5:05
fundamentals that are driving those cycles.
5:08
And when we start to really create those fundamental
5:11
changes, now we've got the makings of more long sustained
5:17
transformation in the relationship.
5:19
So the the the 2nd order change is where we begin to change the
5:24
relational system itself. We begin to understand, notice,
5:30
name and normalize. That's a technique I teach a lot
5:34
of my couples. Notice, name and normalize your
5:37
pattern. Because when you can do that,
5:40
the chances of you being able to stop it early and catch it
5:44
before it escalates, Now you're starting to really change the
5:48
system. So we're not focusing on one
5:51
behavior or just the words, hey, if you could just say it this
5:55
way or that's not how you said it, we begin to change the
5:59
entire emotional pattern. And this is much more
6:03
fundamental. So 2nd order changes address the
6:08
following. These are not an exhaustive
6:10
list, but but this is pretty close.
6:13
I think it addresses the attachment wounds that have
6:17
occurred in the relationship and or it begins to address past
6:22
trauma, the wounds that were brought into the relationship.
6:26
And this is really important because often times the cycles
6:31
are are being driven by Dis as dysregulation, one or both
6:36
partners get triggered, they become escalated, they feel not
6:39
heard, not understood. But what's really happening in
6:42
those moments is they've been wounded by something and and
6:46
it's touched their partner has triggered sort of an unmet
6:50
attachment need or a wound that has occurred.
6:53
And again, this could be a past wound, something we brought into
6:57
our relationships, or it could be a wound that we've sustained
7:01
in the relationship. And so attachment wounds are,
7:06
are addressing. Those are what we call 2nd order
7:09
change, nervous system dysregulation.
7:12
You've, if you've been on this channel or podcast at all, you
7:16
know, I talk a lot about regulation.
7:18
We regulate before we communicate.
7:21
That's a, that's a mantra in our relationship cycle reset
7:25
program. We regulate before we
7:27
communicate because if we're not regulated, we're not going to
7:31
communicate well. And, and I'm not just speaking
7:34
to you, I'm speaking to myself when I say that as well.
7:37
I think about an episode last night between my my wife and I,
7:41
I got frustrated. I became a little bit
7:44
dysregulated for sure. And guess what?
7:47
It broke down communication and, and a few hours later when I was
7:52
more calm, I'm like, well, that was pretty stupid, Tom, you know
7:56
better than that. You didn't follow your own
7:58
rules. You didn't walk your own walk.
8:00
And when I get upset like that, guess what?
8:02
My wife's not going to be able to hear one.
8:04
What I'm really trying to communicate.
8:06
She's going to hear that I'm angry and upset with her.
8:10
And two, I'm not even really communicating very clearly.
8:13
I was, I was reacting out of anger, but what, what I was
8:17
really trying to address never really got communicated.
8:21
So I got in my own way in that instance as well.
8:25
And so like I said, a lot of this stuff that I talked about,
8:28
man, I put myself right there in that category as well because
8:31
we're all human. We're all on the same journey.
8:34
We're all trying to get a little bit better and, and develop and
8:38
grow a little bit more each and every day.
8:41
So I don't exclude myself from any of the things that I talk
8:44
about on here. And so the example last night,
8:48
Ryan, is I needed to regulate first and then try to
8:51
communicate because I wasn't clear in myself what I was
8:56
really trying to communicate. I was reacting out of defensive
8:59
anger and that that created a cycle and, and she was not able
9:05
to hear what I was really upset about or my real concern.
9:09
All she heard is that I'm angry at her and I'm blaming her.
9:12
And so the whole thing broke down for a couple of hours until
9:16
we were able to come back together and talk about it.
9:18
So nervous system regulation, boy, if I had been able to in
9:22
that moment, take a deep breath, calm myself down, maybe not
9:27
respond right away or tell her I need a few minutes, whatever
9:30
that might have been, then I might have been able to
9:32
communicate and we might have been able to have a much better
9:37
conversation and dialogue about what was really going on.
9:41
Emotional safety is another one. When we feel emotionally safe to
9:45
our partner, when we feel like we can open up and talk, that's
9:49
another second order change. That's getting it at some of the
9:52
cycle, and that's getting at the system itself.
9:56
When we go from an insecure system to a more secure system,
10:00
when we go from feeling insecure and walking on egg shells with
10:04
our partner to feeling more safe and secure in the relationship.
10:09
We can trust that if we communicate something, even
10:11
though it's not perfect, our partners going to try to hear
10:15
us. They're going to try to
10:15
understand us, They're going to try to make it safe for us to be
10:20
able to open up and communicate. That's one of those fundamental
10:24
second order changes. Another one is our reactive
10:27
roles, right? If we can stop and we can
10:30
respond with care and curiosity as opposed to immediate second
10:39
secondary emotions like anger is the secondary emotion.
10:43
Oh, I don't like what you're saying.
10:45
So I'm going to immediately interrupt to respond with with
10:47
anger. And so if we can really be able
10:51
to control ourselves and sit with the uncomfortable feelings
10:55
that may be coming up, stay in that window of tolerance that I
10:59
talk about a lot, then that's a second order change.
11:02
Because all of a sudden now we're doing what we're
11:05
regulating better, we're creating more safety in the
11:08
relationship. We're probably not activating
11:12
our partners attachment wounds as much.
11:15
And so the whole system begins to change.
11:18
Those unconscious fears definitely is another one to
11:21
target in 2nd order change. When we begin to communicate
11:25
more of our fears, when our partner can assure us and and
11:30
comfort us in those moments, that's a second order change.
11:34
And then finally, as I've mentioned already in passing,
11:39
when we begin to change the cycle itself, when we go from a
11:43
pursue, withdraw an insecure cycle to a sort of being able to
11:48
meet each other in the moment, sit with each other's emotions
11:52
long enough to understand them and respond with care and
11:56
curiosity and hear and summarize and all those things that make
12:00
for better communication, then we begin to change the cycle
12:04
itself. And that is a second order
12:06
change because we fundamentally now begin to create real
12:10
transformation in the relationship.
12:14
And so that's just some of the differences between a first
12:17
order and a second order change. First order change is, well, if
12:22
you'd have just said it like this or first order change is,
12:27
well, I'm going to get really angry and I'm going to say
12:31
hurtful things, but you know, I don't mean those.
12:34
So if you could just stop saying hurtful things in the moment,
12:37
well, how about getting regulated in the moment?
12:40
So those hurtful things don't come out of our mouth.
12:43
So those types of things can be first order changes versus 2nd
12:48
order. Now a lot of this, you know, it
12:51
is, is comes from a sort of a systems perspective.
12:56
So you've heard me talk a lot about the cycle in the
12:59
relationship and how so often the cycle is, is one of the
13:03
primary problems. And it is because part of what
13:07
happens is couples often don't learn how to break their cycle
13:14
to get to those underlining issues in order to create real
13:19
transformation. So I'm going to circle back to
13:22
what I opened up with a lot of couples that I work with and
13:26
have for the last 1520 years, they start to feel better when
13:30
when the cycle gets a little bit better and they're not arguing
13:34
much and they're doing a little bit better at repairs and
13:37
they're regulating themselves a little bit better.
13:38
All important, don't get me wrong.
13:41
But then they say, hey, I think we're good and and then they're
13:45
gone. And what happens oftentimes is
13:48
they come back around because they really never got to those
13:52
second order changes that really fundamentally transform the
13:57
relationship by restructuring the cycle.
14:00
Yes, it got better. They learned how to de escalate
14:04
their cycle a little bit. They learned how to maybe catch
14:07
it earlier more often, but they didn't get to any of the
14:11
attachment wounds. They didn't get into any of the
14:14
different attachment patterns that show up.
14:17
The pursue, withdraw. Or I'm more avoidant in my
14:21
attachment style. Now I know how to regulate
14:24
myself better and stay engaged longer.
14:27
Or I'm more anxious in my attachment style.
14:30
Now I know how to self soothe better so I don't overwhelm my
14:34
partner. Those are second order changes.
14:37
And so a lot of times I think couples, they don't want to
14:41
argue, they don't want to fight, and they get exhausted by it.
14:44
And man, I get that nobody gets into a relationship to to feel
14:49
unheard, to feel misunderstood, to argue with their partner, to
14:53
constantly have to defend themselves.
14:55
It is exhausting to get stuck in those cycles.
15:00
But there's a big difference between communication techniques
15:04
and behavioral change. And hey, we're arguing less
15:08
versus we are connecting. And it's so much, so, so much a
15:12
deeper level now, deeper than I've ever connected with
15:16
somebody before because I'm working on my attachment wounds.
15:21
I'm regulating myself better. I'm working on my defensive
15:24
patterns so I don't show up the same.
15:27
I see the cycle and I know my role in it and my partner's
15:31
showing up in a ways for me. I've never felt somebody show up
15:35
free before. That is a fundamental, real
15:39
transformative type of change. And when that occurs, something
15:46
incredible happens, not only in the relationship, but within
15:50
each partner themselves. And so, you know, as I'm laying
15:55
out here, hopefully clearly enough that you can get the
15:58
idea, we are not separate individuals.
16:02
We are a system. And we get caught in these
16:05
feedback loops. And as the example I gave
16:08
earlier when I was frustrated with my wife last night, I can
16:14
guarantee you what she heard was the frustration and the anger
16:18
directed at her. She did not hear what I was
16:21
trying to say. She heard the blame and
16:23
criticism. She did not hear the content
16:26
enough to be able to sit with it and understand it.
16:29
And so much of that is my fault. It's on me because of the way I
16:34
communicated that that was part of our cycle playing out.
16:38
If I had learned how to regulate myself or if I'd done a better
16:41
job of it last night, then I could have expressed myself in a
16:45
way that would not have led to immediate defensiveness and
16:49
would not have blocked out what I wanted her to hear.
16:53
It would have been easier for her to hear it if it didn't come
16:55
across as blame and criticism because it was said in an angry
17:00
tone. And so when we were able to come
17:03
back together and, and I, I'm not saying I'm perfect at this
17:07
by any means. So don't, don't think that
17:09
somehow I've got this all figured out.
17:11
I, I, I fall short too, for sure.
17:15
But when I did calm down, I was able to come back and say, Hey,
17:19
I'm sorry. I know when I get frustrated
17:22
like that and I use an angry tone, you can't really hear what
17:25
I'm trying to say. And I'm not even clearly
17:28
communicating with myself in that moment as well.
17:31
Here, here's my concern and here's what was coming up for
17:35
me. And this is what I'm trying to
17:37
communicate to you. When I did that, then she was
17:41
able to hear much better the, the, the issue that I was trying
17:46
to bring up that I, hey, honey, I feel like you are, are telling
17:51
me two different things. And I don't know really, I'm not
17:54
clear what you want because I hear you saying one thing and
17:57
then I hear you saying another. And I gave her some examples of
18:00
that and I'm not clear. I need help on what it is you
18:04
really need from me and want from me.
18:07
When I was able to do that, it was a much more productive
18:10
conversation. And so, you know, I, I, I hope
18:15
as I'm illustrating this here that that being able to create
18:19
some 2nd order change, being able to reduce the cycle so that
18:24
we can get to the, the unmet attachment needs, we can heal
18:29
some of those wounds. That is where we really end up
18:33
creating true or real transformation in the
18:37
relationship. And so it's really important to
18:41
recognize, though, I want to add this, that that as long as
18:45
you're caught in your cycles, you can't get to these other
18:48
things. They're, they're too deep and
18:50
they're too vulnerable and, and they will not be exposed.
18:55
It's too dangerous for them to be exposed as long as we play
18:59
out our cycle, which is which is why I talk so much about the
19:03
cycle because in all the years I've been working with, I can't
19:07
get to those more fundamental needs from each partner.
19:11
I can't get them to show up in a different way and regulate
19:14
themselves and be more vulnerable and ask for their
19:17
needs to be met until we able we are able to really reduce that
19:24
cycle significantly. Learn how to not be so
19:27
immediately reactive to each other and how to get stuck in
19:31
that feedback loop. And so that is really important.
19:36
And, and so the, the end result is how do we create real
19:40
transformation? Well, I, I laid out some of the
19:43
things that are important in creating real transformation,
19:48
such as nervous system, right? Let's put this into context.
19:52
If I'm anxiously attached, how can I soothe myself if I get
19:57
triggered? So I'm not immediately bringing
19:59
all of that anxiety and all of that anger or all that energy
20:05
even. To my partner in a way that
20:08
raises their defenses. How can I self soothe in a way
20:13
that maybe maybe I don't even need to take it to my partner
20:17
because I can work it through myself?
20:20
What happens if I get triggered and and immediately my brain
20:25
goes to a past wound and I start thinking OK my partner's doing
20:29
this and they're doing this and they're doing this.
20:31
Now I've got 0 evidence at this point that they're doing
20:34
anything wrong. All I know is the text they sent
20:37
triggered me and now my brain is going to the worst case scenario
20:42
and I'm skewing the entire perspective of what's happening
20:45
here. I'm not making this up.
20:47
These are real scenarios that happen all the time.
20:51
I see them. If in fact, I'm able to comfort
20:54
myself, soothe myself, if I'm able to listen to some soothing
20:59
music, if I can pull out some old letters of my partner saying
21:03
how much they love me and care for me, I can.
21:06
I can have compassion for that wound that got triggered in the
21:10
moment. It might be possible, and this
21:13
is the real transformation I'm talking about.
21:15
It might be possible for me then to not even have to take this to
21:19
my partner for that. For me to be able to comfort and
21:23
soothe myself through it, that I know my partner's not doing
21:26
anything wrong and I don't have to go create a cycle.
21:29
Rather, I can comfort and soothe myself and regulate myself and
21:34
show up for myself in ways that other people in my past didn't
21:39
show up for me, or in ways even maybe my partner in our past
21:44
history of the relationship didn't show up for me.
21:48
And so that is a real transformation.
21:51
And we could say the same thing from the more avoidant style, if
21:54
the more avoidance style partner, when they get triggered
21:58
by their partner asking them questions or or wanting to have
22:02
a, an emotional conversation, they begin to feel a little bit
22:06
overwhelmed. If in the moment they can begin
22:08
to regulate themselves, stay in the window of tolerance, ask
22:13
their partner, can we slow this down just a little bit?
22:16
Because I'm starting to get triggered, but I want to stay
22:19
engaged. I want to hear what you're
22:20
saying. I don't want to have to leave
22:22
this conversation. Let's just slow this down just a
22:25
hair. Even the sheer fact of saying
22:28
that is huge transformational change in, in the life of the of
22:33
the partner as well as the relationship.
22:35
So these are the kinds of things I'm talking about when I talk
22:39
about real transformational change, especially beginning to
22:43
heal those attachment wounds, the fear of abandonment or
22:46
rejection or those core beliefs of I'm not good enough, I'll
22:50
never measure up, It'll never be enough.
22:53
I'm too much for others, those unconscious sort of attachment
22:58
wounds that we've held onto because of of past relationships
23:03
that were not, that were not that the creator, those wounds
23:08
in the 1st place. And then of course, if we begin
23:11
to work on our protective strategies, that's real
23:14
transformational change as well-being able to restructure,
23:18
shut down so I don't turn off my emotions and go to my head.
23:22
I can stay present and in the moment and emotionally available
23:26
to my partner and it, you know, I can soothe my anxiety and I
23:31
can get clear on my fears in that moment.
23:34
So I can communicate my fears to my partner, not my criticisms or
23:39
complaints. And so these are the types of
23:43
things that that come along with second order change.
23:46
And I, I understand those are more difficult.
23:50
Those are harder sometimes to get to because first we've got
23:55
to make sure that we really learn how to deescalate our
23:58
cycles in order to get to these more fundamental drivers of, of,
24:05
of what's happening in the relationship.
24:07
That's not easy work to do. It takes time and it takes
24:12
patience and it takes effort and it takes intentionality on both
24:17
partners part. But when that happens, then you
24:21
can start to create real, sustained transformational
24:26
change in the relationship.