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Transcript

Transforming Holiday Heartache: Navigating Divorce with Grace and Support · Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Is there a major life transition benching you?
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: I know you may be asking what's next?
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: What's my purpose?
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: What if?
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Because I've asked those too.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Start your Comeback Podcast.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I'm Toni Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: You are listening to episode 6 of the Start your Comeback podcast.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Today I want to talk about the holidays.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: As we're nearing the holidays, I mean, can you believe we are a week away from Thanksgiving?
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Then it just snowballs into Christmas.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: The holidays are particularly rough for those of us in transition, especially if you're walking through a divorce and are still trying to figure out the schedule so your kids are not left to wonder where they will be on Thanksgiving and or Christmas.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: So today I want to talk about the transition of divorce.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: I'm not exactly sure where you find yourself this holiday season.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: This may find you newly divorced, 10 years out from divorce, contemplating it a right smack dab in the middle of it.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: I just remembered that there was a certain amount of dread that first holiday.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: My sons were older but still wanted the traditions of the holidays, the grief and pain of that transition acted as an adrenaline rush to propel me through.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: I spent Thanksgiving with my mom and sister and her family.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: That year the holidays took on a whole new look for us.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: We had to adjust to other schedules and days and, honestly, it was hard, because you want what is familiar to you and it will never be that way again, I know.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: For me it felt like total chaos because we were actually separated that first Christmas and, in an attempt to keep it normal, we decided to have Christmas all together at the house I left.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: This was particularly hard for me because I had made the decision a week before Christmas to file for divorce.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: It was so difficult to try to act normal.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: The following year, when I was on my own, living in an apartment, trying to make ends meet, I was once again faced with dread.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: How was I going to buy Christmas presents?
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: How was I going to feed these kids?
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: My kids showed up with diminished expectations because they knew, but they showed up eager for food games because they knew, but they showed up eager for food games and the few presents we had.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: I worked hard to make it special on a shoestring budget.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: It was a wonderful Christmas that year and my kids loved it and so did I.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: It was different, but it was kind of nice for it to be different.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: Those first few years were hard, but we made it through and life has showed us some tremendous grace.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: I've learned some things these past 10 years.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: Be flexible.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: You may have to be anyway, but I've noticed it's an attitude rather than a decree.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: The decree may require it, but your attitude will save more.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: As long as you get time with your kids, family and whoever you want to be included, the date and time are always last.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: Don't fight this.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: Just be flexible.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: Even if you are mad that you have to be, it will be okay.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: Number two encourage your kids to love their time with their other parent.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: The other parent may be more extravagant than you, so don't get caught up in the amount of money spent or not spent.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: Remember the other parent is trying to make up for the cost of divorce or they are not healthy in their mind, so they may not do much of anything to celebrate.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: What matters is the time and the memories you make.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: Number three do not spend any of these days alone.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: Fortunately, I now spend every Thanksgiving with my mom, sister, brother-in-law and their family.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: I'm always home the day after and spend the evening with my kids for Thanksgiving.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: It has worked out just great.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: As far as Christmas is concerned, I'm always invited to join my close friends' families for Christmas Eve.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: Not one time have I been alone.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: My kids usually show up at noon on Christmas Day and we spend the day together, and it has been a great compromise for all of us.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: Just don't go it.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: If you can hang out with some friends on any of these days, I recognize that it isn't your family and I also know that you're going to.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: I recognize that it isn't your family and I also know that you're going to feel like an imposition to your friends, but I'm telling you right now they are part of a chosen family that keeps you from being lonely during the holidays, and that is a big deal.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: I have learned to ask my friends and they ask me as well hey, what are your plans?
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: You know you're always welcome here and it's something that I will always be so grateful for.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: Number four do not pick a fight or be tempted to join a fight during this time with your parent, other parent, with your parents.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: Just don't do it.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: It will always turn out bad.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: Avoid this at all costs and be kind.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: This is over the top difficult, but it will allow you some peace.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: Please know this.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: Be kind, kind, kind.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: Your kids will be so grateful for it.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: These are so hard to do, but this will benefit your kids, and they are the most important people right now.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: They will see that you don't bad mouth the other parent and what they did for Christmas or didn't do for that matter.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: They will see your consistent kindness and flexibility.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: It may take years, but I promise you they will see it and it will bring some healing.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: Number five make a budget, if you need one.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: I know I had to.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: I saved and bought presents way before it was time so I could spread out my spending.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: If you don't have to do this, that's great, but it was not something that I could swing.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: I still do this sometimes, especially if I find something they love.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: Make a plan to go eat with your inner circle during the holidays, because this will be the time that you can share any of your struggles.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: You can cry, you can vent and you can ask for advice.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: This is not the time for your kids to see you struggling with anger.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: At this time.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: Use your inner circle.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: Finally, the last thing Take care of you.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: Get plenty of sleep, take some walks to clear your head, take a bath and make sure you have some downtime.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: You're going to need it.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: The amount of energy it takes to make it through will surprise you.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: Do not neglect yourself in the process.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: You are important.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: There is nothing easy about the first holidays.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: They are hard mentally and emotionally and no one can really explain what you walk through or feel.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: Until you do it.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: You may cry yourself to sleep every night.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: That's okay.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: Cry and grieve and walk through it Literally.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: When you send your kids back from Christmas break, you will heave a sigh of relief and say I've survived this first holiday season.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: Take the time to process all that went really great and the things that might need to do over.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: Plan differently for next year.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: I promise it gets easier as time moves on.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: It will be different, but it will be a bright light for you and you will be so thankful for all you've learned and your kids will love it.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: Thanks for listening.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: I know you may be dreading this holiday season and if so, I'm going to leave you with this action step.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: Today.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: I want you to DM me on Instagram, especially on Thanksgiving day, and let's have a conversation.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: I would love to walk with you through this difficult time.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: Hey, thanks for listening.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: I don't take it for granted that you're here.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: You didn't listen by mistake.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: If you want to reach out, you can DM me on Instagram at Tony Thrash Until next week.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: Remember, there's still time left on the clock.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: Let's get you off the bench to start your comeback.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: I want to give a special shout out to Country Club for the original music.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: You can find them on Instagram at Country Club.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: You.