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Transcript

S3 Ep6: No Wingman Needed 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: This is how dumb I am.
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: The other day I was looking at my phone on the sidewalk here in New York and a bird shit on my phone, like a big ploppy bird shit, and I was like, that sucks.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: That's kind of funny.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: And then I tried to screenshot the bird shit.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: I took a screenshot thinking there'd be a photo of the bird shit.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's the level of IQ I'm dealing with.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: If you're not following, you can't screenshot something on top of your phone.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: But I feel like technology's ruining us.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like, do you ever try to like zoom in on something that's not actually a screen?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're reading a book and you're like, why isn't this like a menu?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: I did to my wife's vagina the other day.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to see the peehole.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know where women urinate from, so I kind of she was like, ow! The point is I'm dumb.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: I I thought Picasso was Italian.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Did you guys think that?
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: The painter?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Sounds Italian, right?
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Picasso! Yeah, you're nodding.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: You guys are a very supportive section.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Picasso! Fucking hey! I hear oh, I think Italian.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: Spaghetti O's.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: Picasso.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: He's Spanish.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: You guys knew that?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: Have you guys heard of Picasso?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: He's a painter.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: He's from Spain, evidently.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: I found out because I went to an art museum.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not a big art guy, obviously.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: I thought Picasso was Italian, so I don't know that much about art.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: I thought all painters were Italian, by the way.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: Every painter I know, Michelangelo, Da Vinci, Joe Pesci's mother, and Goodfellas.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: I went to the museum.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: They had a Picasso painting in the art museum, and I was like, ooh, he's good.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: I know enough to know that Picasso's good.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: He's top ten, in my opinion.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: I walked up and there was a Picasso painting, and underneath there was a plaque, it said Picasso, Spain.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I was so confident, I didn't even think I was wrong.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, that's a big fuck up right there.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, they got the wrong country for Picasso.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: I reported it.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: I went to the front desk.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, hey, just a heads up, you got the wrong country for Picasso.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: He's he's Italian.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: I think everybody knows that.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: The lady said, Pablo.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, you know what?
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: That does sound Spanish.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Now that I hear it out loud, his name's Pablo Picasso.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: He's from Spain.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: And it turns out there's a lot of O's in Spanish, also.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: There's um taco and queso, burrito, all the foods, really.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: Dos Camino.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's the restaurant downstairs.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: For the folks at home, downstairs, there's a it's a tough crowd.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: I thought that was a good line, and I thought some of mine deserve more.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: If you and I, even working together, we're not doing as well as we'd like.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: But dos caminos, which ends in an S, by the way, but you're still trying.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: There are O's involved.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: Either way, I appreciate it.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Anyways, yeah.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: I knew nothing about Picasso, by the way.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know how much you know about Picasso.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: I felt stupid, so I read his Wikipedia page and I was blown away.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Did you guys know this?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: Pablo Picasso, you know when he died?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: He died in 1973.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Did you know that?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: I thought he died in 1380.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: I almost shit.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: 1973?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: Picasso had a car.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Is that unbelievable?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Pablo Picasso was driving around Spain in like a Honda Civic listening to Black Sabbath on the radio.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Ozzy Osborne and Pablo Picasso were working at the same time.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: He saw six Super Bowls.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: I thought he lived next to a blacksmith.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: The guy's like at home watching the Green Bay Packers and the Kansas City Chiefs on a colored television set drinking Mountain Dew.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: And some of you might be like, Mountain Dew, that wasn't out in 1970.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: It was.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know when it came out?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: I thought like maybe 1975, 76, 1940, Mountain Dew came out.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Hitler was jacked up on Mountain Dew.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: He was like in a bunker, like, ah, do the dew! Or when I can't do impressions, but.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Anyways, I read Picasso's whole Wikipedia.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Horrible guy, Picasso.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Did you know this?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Not as bad as Hitler, but bad.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: Hated women.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Terrible misogynist.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you knew that, right?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: I read that and I was like, well, he's a little Italian.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: He's got some Italian in him.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: I was close.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: Just kidding.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: He was born in 1881, died in 1973.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Long life.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Tough lifespan if you hate women.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like 1881 to 1980.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's a lot of progress for women during his life.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: He must have been furious.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: The poor guy, you know, just his whole life.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh they're voting?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like when he was 20, he's like, I hate women.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone's like, we all do, Bob.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: Relax.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: They're not going anywhere.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Then one day they're voting.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: Died in 73.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's the year Roe v.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: Wade got passed.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like he was like, that's enough of this shit.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm out of here.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: No way.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: Women had it hard.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: I did a lot of research for this.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: Women got the right to vote in 1933 in Spain.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: And uh yeah, women, you guys really had it tough.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Did you know that?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Did you girls know you had a hard time?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just kidding.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm mansplaining women's suffrage.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: I thought it'd be funny.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: You look bummed out.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just kidding.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: No, it was hard.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Women couldn't vote.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Women couldn't work.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was reading that.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Women had to fight for the right to work.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's confusing, misogyny.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Men hated women so much they were like, no jobs.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Bitches or whatever.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, working, don't you wouldn't you?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I have a wife, she has a job, I'm thrilled.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's like it's it's it's more money.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's like double the it's not double, but it's some more money.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's like a few more dollars, you know, to put on my pile.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: It's kind of cool.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Folks, these are jokes.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just kidding.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like some of you, some of you are laughing, and some of you are like, what the hell?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just kidding.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: My wife's uh the best.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: I love my wife.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm uh I love I love women.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: I have a uh wife who's a woman, and I have a I have a friend who's a woman, I'm an ally, you know?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: I have a friend who's a woman, she's very attractive, and she's single.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: And one time recently we were at a party together, and there was a guy there, and she goes, uh, this there's many guys there, but there was one in particular in this joke, and she said, That guy over there, I really want to have sex with him, I need you to be my wingman.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Okay.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: A wingman for a woman?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know whether like I'll just tell the guy you want to fuck him.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: I don't understand.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Like, do women think they need wingmen?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Ladies, if you want to have sex with a guy, let him know.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: He'll do it.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: Even if he's married with children, he'll be like, uh, yeah.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um I'll text my wife in the morning.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'll figure something out.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm touched.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: Hard yes, thank you.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so touched.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: I walked over the guy and I was like, would you want to have sex with her?
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, definitely.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, yeah, great.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: There you go.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she's she's in.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: And then they had sex.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: This is true.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: They had sex.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: The next day she was like, What did you say to him?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Don't worry about it.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: I know how to talk to men.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: I got my own secret recipe.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: If any of you women want to have sex with someone in this room, let me know.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: I will be the middleman.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'll talk to him.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: I can get it done.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: My wife and I, we have sex, and uh no, we do.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why you're laughing.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's very sweet.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: We have sex all the time.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm very grateful for my wife.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because like I know a lot of people they get married and they stop having sex, or some people never got to have sex at all, or whatever, but we do, and I'm not I don't want to complain, but I have one complaint.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: This is how we have sex.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm always like a hey, you want to have sex?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, yeah, alright.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, she's never like, fuck yeah, fill me up, you dork! You know what I mean?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like, she's always just kind of like, ah, sure, we'll have sex.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, she's never vocally horny, that's my issue.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: She's never like pound me, you bitch, or whatever.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't even know women got horny until like three years ago.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: I was at a party and this woman was like, I've been so horny lately.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I wasn't even talking to her.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: I was my buddy over here.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, hold on, what did you say?
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: Horny?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: I Googled what makes women horny, and Google was like, Come on, bro, you're better than this.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, No, I know.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: I just there was an article that said, pregnant women get horny.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I could try that.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: You know.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: At first, I asked my friend, I have another friend who's a woman.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: I have many female friends, really, hero.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: And she had two kids, and uh, one is uh she had two kids, and I asked her, I was like, Were you horny when you were pregnant?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: And she said, I wasn't the first time, but I was the second time.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, now I have to have two kids to get my wife horny.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: This is expensive.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: And then she goes, Well, the second one, the first one was a girl, the second one was a boy, so maybe that's why.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, What do you mean?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, boys are hornier than girls, right?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I'm sorry, you think you're saying the baby dictates the horniness?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you think your baby's inside?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: You like, ma! Get some dick in here, let's go! I'm horny.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think that's how it works.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Also, boys might be hornier than girls, but not for their dad's dick, right?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: I've been really horny.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: I've never been like, Dad, take your dick out real quick.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Let me just thank you.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: All better.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Put it away.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: All right, I gotta go.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: You guys are awesome.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you guys so much.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: That was fun.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.