Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1133 - Did We Embrace Our Words of the Year?

Transcript

#1133 - Did We Embrace Our Words of the Year? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: wants answers.
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  Speaker 1: Now, it feels ridiculous to say this, but December next week,
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  Speaker 1: I don't know whether the year has gone Hello, and
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  Speaker 1: welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. Is doctor Justin Coleson.
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  Speaker 1: I'm here with my wife and mom to our six daughters.
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  Speaker 1: Misshappy Families, Kylie. Every Friday, it's older about it. Tomorrow,
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  Speaker 1: we'll we reflect on the week that was. We talk
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  Speaker 1: about what we've done right or what we've done wrong,
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  Speaker 1: and how we can be better because we want to
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  Speaker 1: be intentional parents and all that jazz. And today I've
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  Speaker 1: decided that we're going to do our last word of
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  Speaker 1: the year review as well. Remember at the start of
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  Speaker 1: the year, we thought it'd be a great idea to
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  Speaker 1: do what so many people do when it comes to
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  Speaker 1: setting goals and trying to create habits. We said, let's
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  Speaker 1: let's develop a word for the year, and let's live
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  Speaker 1: by that word and see how we go at the
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  Speaker 1: end of the year. So we need to wrap that
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  Speaker 1: up as well. This will be the last conversation we
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  Speaker 1: have about words of the year, and I'd love for
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  Speaker 1: you to go First, what was your word of the year.
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  Speaker 1: I've forgot now, I've genuinely forgotten embrace. Oh embrace? Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: how have you gone this year? And let's just talk
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  Speaker 1: about how you've gone this last week?
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  Speaker 2: Well, we've been away this last week. So I did
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  Speaker 2: embrace before he downtime and book reading and maybe a
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  Speaker 2: few days spa treatments.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, and the kids.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know where they were.
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  Speaker 1: We had a week away without the kids. First time
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  Speaker 1: that we've ever done something that I was I was
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  Speaker 1: going to say gregarious. It's not the right word. Gregarious
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  Speaker 1: is like big and personal. I don't know, like that
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  Speaker 1: is that extravagant. Our kids are getting older now. Anyone
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  Speaker 1: who's got young kids right now is just going, oh,
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  Speaker 1: imagine that. But we've dreamed of this for years, and
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  Speaker 1: we finally I missed them, you did, I really missed them?
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  Speaker 1: Like I was, like, we should call the kids.
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  Speaker 2: We should just you must be a better parent than you.
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  Speaker 1: That's so bad, all right? So, in terms of parenting,
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  Speaker 1: how has the word embrace gone for you this year?
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  Speaker 2: Embrace is a really big word, and this year has
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  Speaker 2: been in so many ways such a fast paced year
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  Speaker 2: for us. There has been so many moving parts, so
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  Speaker 2: many changes to each of our children's lives.
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  Speaker 1: I would say too fast and too many.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, So in lots of ways, when I think
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  Speaker 2: of the word embrace, it actually feels like slowing down,
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  Speaker 2: because you're able to really take in that moment, a
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  Speaker 2: nice deep breath, when you give somebody a hug, and
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  Speaker 2: you just are in that moment. And because our lives
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  Speaker 2: have been so fast paced, you could almost suggest that
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  Speaker 2: there hasn't been an element of embrace. But because there's
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  Speaker 2: been so many changing parts and moving parts within our home,
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  Speaker 2: I've had to embrace those as we've gone. I've done well.
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  Speaker 2: Sometimes I haven't done so well in other things, but
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  Speaker 2: I think overall it's been a great year. It's been
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  Speaker 2: a really good year.
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  Speaker 1: Ask me about mine.
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  Speaker 2: Yours was presence?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, how did you go? I think the whole word
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  Speaker 1: of the year things stupid, and I don't know why
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  Speaker 1: we bother with it. It's just another stick to beat
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  Speaker 1: ourselves with. I've given up. We're not doing another word
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  Speaker 1: of the year. That's well, sorry, I can't say we,
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  Speaker 1: I'm not doing another word of the year. I try
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  Speaker 1: to be present, I try to do a great job.
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  Speaker 1: I'm trying to write a book. Right now, I'm trying
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  Speaker 1: to run a business. We've got so much going on,
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  Speaker 1: and I chose the word presence because I know that
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  Speaker 1: that's what I need to work on. But the reality
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  Speaker 1: is having the word hasn't changed a thing. And I
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  Speaker 1: don't know if that's been the same for you, having
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  Speaker 1: this word embraced that you've reflected on regularly and talked about.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know if it makes you more conscious of
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  Speaker 1: it or not. For me, doesn't make me more conscious.
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  Speaker 1: Every now and again, I just feel like I'm beating
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  Speaker 1: myself up because I've got this word of the year
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  Speaker 1: and I know that all of the New Age gurus
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  Speaker 1: and all of the goal setters and that sort of thing,
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  Speaker 1: they say, let's create the new identity by building the
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  Speaker 1: word into our daily lives, and nah, just.
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  Speaker 2: Not buying in.
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  Speaker 1: I'm not buying in. I try to be present. I
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  Speaker 1: think I do an okay job, but sometimes I've got
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  Speaker 1: other stuff to do and I can't be present for
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  Speaker 1: the kids. And I think that that's okay. There's some
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  Speaker 1: theoretical stuff that's out there with very limited research to
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  Speaker 1: support it, from a guy called Winnicott who basically said
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  Speaker 1: that we should shoot for not being perfect parents and
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  Speaker 1: not even being the best parents, but rather being quote
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  Speaker 1: unquote good enough parents. And the good enough parent is
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  Speaker 1: available most of the time, but not all the time
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  Speaker 1: because there's other stuff to do.
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  Speaker 2: But you could apply that to your word of the year.
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  Speaker 2: It's not about perfection. It's not about saying I nailed it.
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  Speaker 2: The reality is, as I look at my year, I
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  Speaker 2: haven't embraced lots of things, but there are definitely moments
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  Speaker 2: where I feel like I could have gone the other
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  Speaker 2: way and I chose not to, and I chose to
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  Speaker 2: embrace those moments, and I think that that's what life
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  Speaker 2: is about.
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  Speaker 1: I guess my point is whether we had the Word
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  Speaker 1: of the Year or not, we probably would have made
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  Speaker 1: the same decisions. I feel like it's a bit of
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  Speaker 1: a gimmicky thing, and anyone who's got a Word of
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  Speaker 1: the year it might be hating me right now and
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  Speaker 1: saying no, it's changed my life. But for me, I
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  Speaker 1: don't think it's really changed anything. It's been just something
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  Speaker 1: for me to feel a little bit guilty about. Once
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  Speaker 1: a month on the podcast where we talk about how
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  Speaker 1: we're going with our word of the year, I still
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  Speaker 1: want to be present. It's part of who I am.
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  Speaker 1: You want to still embrace it's part of who you are.
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  Speaker 1: So I don't know. Either we choose some out lambish
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  Speaker 1: crazy words of the year they are going to change
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  Speaker 1: our identity next year, or we don't do it. That's
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  Speaker 1: my that's my two cents worth. What do you think?
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  Speaker 2: Well, watch this space. I'm twenty twenty five. Will there
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  Speaker 2: be words of the year or not?
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  Speaker 1: If you insist on it, I'm going to have holiday
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  Speaker 1: as my word of the year. Well I was thinking
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  Speaker 1: something along those lines, all right, So I'll do that
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  Speaker 1: it tomorrow. That's the main purpose of our conversation today.
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  Speaker 1: We're going to move through this fairly quickly because it's
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  Speaker 1: almost the weekend and we just want to focus on
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  Speaker 1: the good stuff. My one's really simple, Kylie. This week,
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  Speaker 1: since we got back from our time away, three or
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  Speaker 1: four times the kids have said to me, Dad, come
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  Speaker 1: swim in the pool, and it's been inconvenient. I have
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  Speaker 1: been trying to write a book, or record a podcast,
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  Speaker 1: or do any number of other things that are really
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  Speaker 1: important that need to be done, you know, the important stuff.
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  Speaker 1: And I've decided that the important stuff can wait, and
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  Speaker 1: instead I've jumped in the pool with the kids. It's
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  Speaker 1: been annoying. I haven't really wanted to do it, and
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  Speaker 1: we've been playing Marco Polo and we've been playing Tip
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  Speaker 1: because as soon as I taken into the pool, we
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  Speaker 1: play tip. We've got these two games that we play
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  Speaker 1: in the pool and they annoy me so much, and
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  Speaker 1: yet they are so much fun. One of them is
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  Speaker 1: called Ship, Shark Submarine, and it's really simple. The kids
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  Speaker 1: are at one end of the pool and the person
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  Speaker 1: who's in the middle, usually me, has to call out
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  Speaker 1: ship or shark or submarine. If you're a ship, the
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  Speaker 1: kids have to swim on top of the water from
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  Speaker 1: one end of the pool to the other. If you're
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  Speaker 1: a shark, you can be on top or underneath the water,
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  Speaker 1: and if you're a submarine, you've got to be underneath
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  Speaker 1: the water. The person in the middle who's calling out
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  Speaker 1: ship or shark or submarine has to have their eyes
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  Speaker 1: closed no cheating, and they've got to try and tag
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  Speaker 1: the people as they go past them. It's kind of
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  Speaker 1: like bullrush, where your eyes closed and you select whether
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  Speaker 1: you're on top of the water or underneath the water
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  Speaker 1: or a combination of the two. The kids love it.
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  Speaker 1: They play ship Shark Submarine for hours on end in
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  Speaker 1: the pool, and I've fallen in love with them as well.
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  Speaker 1: It's a really fun game. The problem is when they
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  Speaker 1: are yelling out ship ship at the top of their voices,
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  Speaker 1: sometimes it sounds like they're saying something else from a
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  Speaker 1: distance through the kitchen window. But we love ship Sharks Submarine.
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  Speaker 1: And the other game that we play is when I've
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  Speaker 1: got to get out of the pool, I'll say to
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  Speaker 1: the kids, all right, I got to go. I've got
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  Speaker 1: to get back to work, or I've got to go
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  Speaker 1: and cook dinner, or I've got to go and do
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  Speaker 1: whatever needs to be done. And at that point the
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  Speaker 1: game of tip commences or tiggy or tag or whatever
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  Speaker 1: you want to call it. So basically it's me against
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  Speaker 1: the rest, and if I tag one of the kids,
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  Speaker 1: they're it, but that means they're all it. And I've
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  Speaker 1: got to be able to tag a child and then
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  Speaker 1: get out of the pool and get to the pool
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  Speaker 1: fence and open the gate and step through the gate
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  Speaker 1: before one of them, any of them tags me again,
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  Speaker 1: if they tag me, the game continues. I've got to
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  Speaker 1: get back into the pool. I've got to try and
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  Speaker 1: tag another child, and so they it's basically beat that
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  Speaker 1: up in tag. And just yesterday we were playing and
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  Speaker 1: I tagged one of them and they're all sort of
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  Speaker 1: swarming around me, and they've worked out the strategy how
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  Speaker 1: to keep that in the pool for the next twenty
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  Speaker 1: minutes because it's one against three or one against four,
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  Speaker 1: which means it's really hard for me to get to
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  Speaker 1: an exit to get out of the pool when they're
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  Speaker 1: all trying to tag me. And so I've tagged one
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  Speaker 1: and I'm laughing so hard that I actually can't move,
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  Speaker 1: like you know when you when you're in absolute stitches,
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  Speaker 1: because it's just so funny. That's why I'll do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 1: It's about saying, whether I've got time for it or not,
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to invest some minutes in playing with my
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  Speaker 1: kids and it just makes you a better person. You
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  Speaker 1: can't help but have fun. It's been an absolute delight.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I got with the other day for two minutes.
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  Speaker 1: Two minutes.
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  Speaker 2: They asked me to come in, but Emily actually had swimming.
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  Speaker 1: Lessons and you had like two minutes.
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  Speaker 2: Before had two minutes, so I jumped in you did.
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  Speaker 1: I was very very impressed. That's high quality painting right there.
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  Speaker 1: All right, Kylie, what's your I'll do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 2: I've been doing a lot of introspective thinking over the
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  Speaker 2: last little while in relation to our children's education and
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  Speaker 2: what that looks like and what's important and what's not.
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  Speaker 2: And as we've gone through this year of homeschooling with
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  Speaker 2: baby number five and six. At the beginning of the year,
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  Speaker 2: I was a real stickula for ticking every box and
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  Speaker 2: going through the motions of making sure that we didn't
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  Speaker 2: miss any gaps in their learning.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, or you weren't going through the motions, you were
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  Speaker 1: going through the process in detail.
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  Speaker 2: And as the years progress, we've kind of got behind
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  Speaker 2: with holidays and things like that, and got towards the
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  Speaker 2: end of the year, and as I was putting their
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  Speaker 2: report cards together, it occurred to me that there is
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  Speaker 2: so much infrastructure put in place that's unnecessary and in
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: so many ways not even needful. I've looked at the
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  Speaker 2: way our year's gone and the things that have worked
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  Speaker 2: really well and the things that have and where the
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  Speaker 2: stress points have been and things like that, and I've
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  Speaker 2: just i feel like I'm not even going to suggest
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  Speaker 2: I've got to handle on things. Yet I don't feel
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  Speaker 2: like I still have a handle on things. But it's
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  Speaker 2: really occurred to me that the things that are important
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  Speaker 2: are the things where I can really engage my children
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  Speaker 2: in their learning, and as they're engaged in it, the
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  Speaker 2: other things actually fall into place a lot easier. I've loved,
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: I've loved watching Emily find a passion point and then
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  Speaker 2: seeing her creativity expand and grow and her desire to
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  Speaker 2: learn more grow as a result of finding that point.
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  Speaker 2: And so often in our kids' education we never get
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  Speaker 2: the chance to explore those passion points with them. And
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  Speaker 2: so as I've looked at that, and I've looked at
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  Speaker 2: you know, we've got a daughter now going into grade
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  Speaker 2: ten who will actually do that from home. Being able
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  Speaker 2: to to tap into her passion points, the things that
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  Speaker 2: really light her up makes for a much richer education
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  Speaker 2: than anything she would receive in school. And I think
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  Speaker 2: my realization is it's okay to recognize that the things
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  Speaker 2: we've always held close and we've always believed may not
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  Speaker 2: actually be what's important. Now.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I really love that. Adam Grant wrote a fabulous
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: book a couple of years ago called rethinking, And I
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  Speaker 1: love the concept that you can hold something really really
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  Speaker 1: close and then as you rethink it, recognized that maybe
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: it's not as important as your thought. But I also
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: love the idea that you can rethink something and end
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: up even more strongly supportive of that because yeah, because
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  Speaker 1: you've rethought it and none of this really does matter.
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  Speaker 1: Just the concept of rethinking, I think we need to
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  Speaker 1: do that regularly in our parenting.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, the importance of being open, open to new ideas
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  Speaker 2: with the understanding that you may still keep your old ideas,
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: but you've at least.
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  Speaker 1: Explored Yeah, exactly, exactly. Take our messages, be present, don't
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  Speaker 1: have a word of the year, embrace, but be willing
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  Speaker 1: to rethink the things that you think matter and make
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  Speaker 1: sure that you're still aligned with where your values are
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  Speaker 1: and the things that are going to be best supportive
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: of your children. Hopefully there's some inspo there, Hopefully that
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: builds your family for the weekend, makes makes things smoother,
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: makes things make sense a little bit more when it
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: comes to puzzling through this whole parenting maze. The Happy
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: Family's podcast is produced by Justin Rulock from Bridge Media.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: If you would like more information about making your family happy,
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: visit happy families dot com dot you. Oh, by the way,
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: Black Friday sales, so many going on right now. I'm
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: not fifty percent off. Just go to the website. You'll
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: see everything that you need to see Happy families dot com,
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: dot you