Latest / An ASMR Practice / Am I a plant that’s rooted or am I bird that wants to fly?

Transcript

Am I a plant that’s rooted or am I bird that wants to fly? · An ASMR Practice

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm honestly glad that I got distracted this morning. Because,
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: you know, I was like, my government programmed brain, I
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: don't know if I should be saying that. My capitalism brain,
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: my consumerism brain is saying like, I got to get
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: a job as soon as possible. And I'm realizing the
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: longer that I'm like actually not looking or looking at
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: the jobs and I'm not making a resume. Oh, let
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: me check the audio. I'm wearing headphones. Okay. The audio
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: sounds fine to me. Yeah, there's, there's a wiring in me.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: I hate to use that term. I was literally just
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: in my last recording saying that this is not.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: I don't.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: Like when people talk about their brain being wired some
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: kind of way. I do believe in dispositions. I do
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: believe in inclinations. And what was I going to say
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: about that? Does anybody know? I think I'm just not
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: really worried about it. Something in me is saying don't
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: worry about it. In me, beyond me, around me, I
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: don't know. I gotta be the change I want to see.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: I really do. That's what my heart's calling for. We
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: don't need to just hop to the next job right away.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: There can be some rest, there can be some rest
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: and something's going to happen. I still just, I don't
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: know what I want. And so that's really kind of
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: like my biggest inhibition is like, I'm like scrolling the
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: job boards and I'm like, yeah, I could do this.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: I could. And the advice I'm receiving is mainly like,
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: just apply, just apply to everything. But I feel like
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: this is sort of a desperate kind of mentality to have.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: And I don't, there are ways in which I feel
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: desperate and this is not one of them. Ew, this
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: stuff is stinky. That's unfortunate. Ugh, nobody tell... Nobody tell
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: anybody that I did that. I left. I left. I
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: had to go with my friend. It rotted. Ah! I'm... Yeah, I'm, like,
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: not in a rush.
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: I'm not in a rush.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: Sue me! It's gonna work out. It always does. This
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: is the mentality you gotta have, people. It always works out.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: But I do think it's not true for everyone. Unfortunately. Like,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: the machine is quite loud. We seriously need, like, a
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: better one, but we're... The agreement is that we're not
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: asking for help. We're just simply not asking for help.
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: I'm not allowed to ask for help on his behalf,
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: and my side doesn't really have the means to help. So, guys,
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: if anybody, you're going to have to make an offer.
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: You're going to have to make it to me, okay,
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: because he's not accepting help. But, you know, everybody's busy.
• 4:16
  Speaker 4: They're not listening.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: They're not listening to this. And I'm really concerned for
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: my partner. I'm really concerned. And, like, I know what
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: my female friends are saying about this. And not even
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: just my friends, but my family. They're like, be nicer
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: to him. Like, essentially, this is the message I'm receiving is, well.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: I mean, there's different schools of thought here. There's different
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: schools of thought. I got one friend who's like, well,
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: try being a little sexier. Maybe put on something a
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: little sexy for him. Okay. Heard. And then I got
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: another school of thought that's like... Boss him around. dominate
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: him tell him exactly what you want and demand it
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: and don't even give him a choice and I'm like
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: and I think I think he might want that in
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: a way and it doesn't align with me that doesn't
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: sound like me I'm not a boss I'm a lover
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: I want like, I can see what I want in
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: my head perfectly. And I am not getting it. And
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: I think men don't want it. I think men want,
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: I think my aunt might have been wrong. I think
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: my aunt seriously might have been wrong or she might
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: have just had a unicorn of a husband. She said
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: men don't want a mother, they want to love her.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: And maybe that was a different era in time when
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: maybe men used to be mothered better. And so maybe
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: they had like their mother box checked. And I don't
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: know if like maybe now they're just not getting that
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: or if I have like a special case on my hands.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: I don't really know. I don't know what to do
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: about it. I feel restored. I think talking to my
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: friends and just witnessing my friends and their relationships, I
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: see the appeal. I see the appeal of, oh, this
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: guy is your subordinate. Oh, you're walking this boy like
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: a dog I see. It's not me. It's really not me.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: This is not who I am. I have no judgment
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: whatsoever towards these ladies. I think if that's what you want.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: And then I have another perspective that comes from a
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: family member. And she's like, She's like, my husband always
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: says I'm cute. She told me what she was wearing.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: And I said, not really thinking about it, I was like,
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: sounds hot. It sounds hot. It sounds like the kind
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: of thing that I would see and I'd go, that's hot.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: On a woman. It sounds like the kind of thing
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: that I would want to wear if I was trying
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: to feel hot. I didn't mean it in any kind
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: of weird way. And she sort of kind of corrected
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: me in a way, where she was like, oh, it's more, like, cute.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: And I was like... And then I was like, oh, sorry,
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: I didn't mean to, like, objectify you. I wasn't trying to, like,
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: call you sexy or anything. Like, you're obviously, like, we're related.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: I do think she's pretty, but... you know, that's besides
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: the point. That's neither here nor there. And then she
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: just continued to explain. She's like, no, like, you know,
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: my husband doesn't really use the word, like, hot to
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: describe me. She's like, I kind of wish he did.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: She's like, I showed him my outfit. He said I
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: was cute. And she's like, She's like, I want him
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: to be obsessed with me. I want him to like
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: think I'm hot. And I'm like, yeah, girl, I know.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: I know this feeling well, girl. And then I think
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: about like, you know, I spent a holiday with One
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: of my girlfriends and her boyfriend. And I had never
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: seen her dress like this. I had never seen her
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: dress like this. She's normally like an athlete. baddie okay
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: and like she's like wearing like trad wife attire she's
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: wearing trad wife attire and i was like what's going
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: on here i mean i probably didn't say anything i
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: was just kind of shocked i didn't i didn't know
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: what to make of this And, you know, my understanding
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: is her man is pretty complicit to whatever. And, you know,
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: I'm happy for them. I'm happy for them. If that's
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: what you like, and that's what works for you, then
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: I'm happy for you.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: And.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: I don't know about all this. I don't know about
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: all this. For me. And... I think... There will be people...
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: You know, because I'm a little concerned for my partner. Like... Something...
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: Something has dulled. his diet and it's like I would
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: love to cook for him but it's just it's just
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: tricky I mean I guess we probably just need to
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: talk some more about what we're doing I would love
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: to be a trad wife. I would love to be just...
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: I'll cook. I'll cook everything. I'm a really good cook.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: And it seems like he doesn't... There's... There's not a
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: willingness to give me much control. And so my means
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: in order to help him are pretty limited. Unless I
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: get a job and then I use my means to
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: help him. And he has certainly used his means to
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: help me in a way. But when I think about
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: like genuine care. Yeah. I think he's sort of thrown
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: money at problems. Like when Trump unpaused the COVID pause
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: on the loans, I had just a little bit left
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: to pay off. And I wasn't really making any payments
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: on it because it was paused. But it started accumulating interest.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: And he was like, this is bad. Interest is bad.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: He's like, Let's throw money at this problem. And I
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: was like, sick. But then it's like, this is the
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: very thing that.
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: He refuses to accept this kind of support from other people.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: I will accept this kind of support. If I meet
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: someone and they're like, baby girl... Hang out with me
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: consistently and I'll pay off your car. I will do it.
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: I don't care what you look like. I don't care
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: who you are. I will do it. I will do
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: whatever it takes to pay off my freaking car. Whatever
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: it takes. If that's the agreement, that's not a crime.
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: That's literally not a crime. That's mutual aid. Okay? Okay?
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: And essentially that's what I'm doing here. That's what I'm
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: doing with my partner. I've just been spending hours doing
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: the dishes. I get home, there's like three loads of
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: laundry that haven't been folded. And I'm like, I got
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: three loads of laundry in my gosh darn car right now.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: So now I'm working on the laundry. I have folded
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: three loads of laundry and now I need to actually
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: move it over so that I can do another load
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: of laundry and then fold it and put it up
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: and this is what I'm doing and and it's just
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: a little concerning like what has he been doing? What
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: has he been doing? And so now I have a
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: series of questions to ask, and I'm going to do
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: my very best to be extremely calm about it.
• 15:04
  Speaker 5: Of like, is this, did I leave a bunch of laundry?
• 15:10
  Speaker 5: Because I know one time he left town, and he
• 15:13
  Speaker 5: left a bunch of dishes for me. And then I
• 15:16
  Speaker 5: was like behind on the dishes all freaking week. And
• 15:20
  Speaker 5: eventually I did get caught up because I didn't want
• 15:22
  Speaker 5: him to come home to all this. That seemed kind
• 15:26
  Speaker 5: of rude. So I did do it.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: And it's like. You know. I'm working. Freaking. How many hours?
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: At the time? Too many gosh darn hours. And I'm still.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: You know. I'm making time to do my freaking passions.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: Because if I don't. I'll explode. I'll literally freaking explode.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: And so. Um. So part of me, but then part
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: of me is like, I don't even want to offer that.
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: I don't even want to offer that as an explanation.
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: I don't.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: What? Hold on. I folded it. This is not my clothes.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: This is not my clothes. This is primarily his clothes.
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: So this is not my fault. See, this is me.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: This is me blaming myself again. Because I was going
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: to be like, because I just remember when he left
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: the dishes and then he freaking left to go to
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: the freaking desert. And I was behind all week. And
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: I couldn't even cook for myself because I didn't have
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: enough dishes because he's like, we can't have too many dishes.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: So I'm just like starving, working 70 hours a week.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: And then I also have to do all the dishes.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: I didn't have to, but I did. I chose to.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: I was like, I'm going to be a good roommate
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: and I'm going to do the freaking dishes. Before he
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: gets home. Because I would hate to come home from
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: vacation and see this. And then I come home from
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: vacation and what do I see? Three freaking piles of
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: laundry that need to be folded. Wrinkled. Absolutely wrinkled. Oh
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: my god. And so I've offered. I'm like, let me
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: be a stay-at-home wife. Let me be a stay-at-home roommate.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: Whatever you want to call it, baby boy. I don't care.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: I'll do all the laundry. I'll do all the dishes.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: If I don't have to freaking get a job. I
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: don't know how people are doing both. I don't think
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: they are. I think if you have two incomes, you
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: probably have a freaking housekeeper. And so it's like... I'm
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: not really trying to capitalism max this. I'm really not.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: I think if something falls into my lap... Perhaps... I
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: don't know how many job applications I'm willing to do. Like,
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: I don't think I'm going to apply to something that
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: doesn't like absolutely appeal to me and like my heart
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: and soul, you know, I don't think I can do it. And,
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: you know, he said something, he was like, he was like,
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: I don't want to sell my soul to the corporation.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, now I'm thinking, like, what are you
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: selling your soul to now, though? Like, he just, he
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: doesn't seem happy. The part of my brain that's, like,
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: there's two parts of my brain. There's two parts of
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: my brain right now. Okay, one of them is saying...
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: One of them is saying this always happens. I have
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: to leave. I have to fly away from this situation.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: Or else I'm going to ruin this person. I'm the
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: problem that this person has. This is one side of
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: my brain. The other side of my brain is saying...
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: I might be the only person who can help them.
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: I might be the only person who can.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: So it's either like.
• 19:17
  Speaker 4: The way I help this person is by leaving or
• 19:20
  Speaker 4: the way I help this person is by staying. And
• 19:23
  Speaker 4: I can hear every freaking person who loves to like
• 19:26
  Speaker 4: pretend like they're super smart and like they know everything.
• 19:30
  Speaker 4: And they're saying, well, these are not the only two options. Well,
• 19:34
  Speaker 4: these are not the only two options.
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: Okay. What? What's the other option? I mean, yeah. Yeah.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: I could not care. Right? Wait, how did that get there?
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: That's kind of freaky. Maybe it's not. Maybe I just
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: don't know what I'm talking about. That's not the only
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: two options. That's what people love to say to me.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: Oh my god. Yeah, okay, so let's waste some more time.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: Let's waste some more time freaking thinking of secret third options, guys.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: Come on. Do I stay or do I go? And
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: it's like, I can hear the addict recovery people. The
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: addict recovery people are speaking to me and they're saying,
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: this person is not your responsibility anymore. This person is
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: beyond your control. Accept the things you can't control and
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: let go of the things you can't. Whatever. This is
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: what they say. We got a Creole Christmas spray. Ooh.
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: That's so good. No idea what's in it. Don't ask
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: me that. I forgot to take a picture. Smells good, though.
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: This is the problem with like... It's not a problem.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: It's not a problem. I'm simply choosing to believe it's
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: not a problem. But I do have a lot of
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: different affiliations. Or I have in my life had a
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: lot of affiliations. And so now I'm sort of like...
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: I just... I hear all these different ideas. And I...
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: And then I... image in my brain people within those
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: communities that I deeply trusted and deeply loved and I
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: hear them speaking to me calmly and I feel them
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: caring for me in various ways you know like I
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: remember it it's not like physically present with me but
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: I remember it And then I hear some of their
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: arguments and ideologies and stuff. And fundamentally, I think I've
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: done too much exploring. Or I've explored a lot. And
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: now I'm pretty confused in a big way. And then
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: I hear an old mentor, boss, whatever you want to
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: call it, saying, you just gotta keep moving forward. Just
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: gotta keep moving forward. And part of me is like,
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: this is not true. I don't have to. And what
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: does that mean also in this context? Don't revisit the past.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: Let it all go. Start over. How? How do you
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: do that? And again, there's two sides of my brain here.
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: There's a binary here. Part of my brain is saying... Like... Go.
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: Just get a job. Get a job with housing anywhere.
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: And just leave. I think I could do it. And
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: then there's like... You know, I had a moment... a
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: week ago or something where I started looking at school
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: programs again so now I'm getting all these emails from
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: schools and they want to like talk to me and
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: I'm like I could go back to school and then
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: part of me is like but my entire family is
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: here And I think it was extremely scary to be
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: in a bad situation and to not have my family around.
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: You know, there's only so much you can do over
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: a phone call. And don't get me wrong, phone calls
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: have really helped me a lot. But, you know, I
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: got a whole network of people. Here. And in other
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: parts of the world as well. But, I mean, the
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: thing is, I think the thing that, okay, so this
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: is where I go back and forth. Where I go
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: back and like, I should just leave. I should just
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: get out of here. Is where I'm like, but everybody's busy.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: Everybody's extremely busy. All right. I know what I need
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: to do. And see, this is where I go back
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: and forth. This is where I go back and forth.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: I was like, okay, I'm going to settle here and
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: I'm going to get a job here. Or like a
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: remote something. And I'm just going to become extremely busy
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: as well. If you can't beat them, join them. I'm
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: going to be extremely busy too. But I don't really
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: want to do that. So then I go back to, okay,
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: can I procure other means somewhere else? I'm just going
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: back and forth on this. I'm attached, I'm not attached.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: I'm attached, I'm not attached. I'm attached, I'm not attached.
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: Am I a plant who's rooted? Or am I a bird?
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: Am I a bird who wants to freaking fly? I
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: don't know. Is there a secret third option? Is there
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: a secret third option? I'm having fun. I'm having fun.
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: That's all that matters. I... I... I want to share
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: what I prayed for today, but I don't know if I'm, like,
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: supposed to... I don't know if I'm gonna, like, null
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: my request to God if... If I share it. But, okay,
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: I'll give an update, okay? Because... Lately, I've been praying...
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: I get very specific with God, where, like, I pray
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: for an answer to a certain thing, and then I
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: tell him where I'm going to be looking. Him, them, they, whoever.
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: I tell God that I'm speaking to that I'm going
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: to be searching for the answer in these things. And so, like,
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: I had been searching for a certain answer in plants. Like,
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: ground plants. children, and animals. And I received a lot
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: of messages, okay? I received an abundance of messages, and
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: I have updated my request. I said I'm ready to
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: interact with adults. Adult-bodied people. And I asked a question,
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: and we're going to see what the adult-bodied people have
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: to say. I just have a feeling I have a
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: feeling like adult body people are sort of like impenetrable
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: to divine or magical forces. And so I have faith
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: that now that I have a question that I'm working
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: on that I'm going to find some answers. And, you know,
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: also the good thing about having a question is now
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: I can. I can ask these questions, people, but I
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: fear I'm not going to like the answer. I fear
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to like the answer. I fear I'm alone.
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: In this, what I want. But I don't know that.
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: I really, really don't know that. So, faith over fear, guys.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: This is the motto. Faith over fear. Faith over fear.
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: Faith over fear. And you know, something just came to me.
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: Something just popped into my brain. This might be way
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: more simpler than I'm making it out to be. It's
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: conflicting boundaries. There's conflicting boundaries. I am a confidant. I'm
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: a confidant whether I like it or not. And so
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: now I know things about a bunch of different sides
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: of the same issue. And now there's conflicting boundaries. And
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: so whose boundaries... This is what... This is... I think
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: this is maybe a pattern in my life, actually. This
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: is what kind of makes me a sort of passive person. Or, like, inactive.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: A little bit. This is what makes me kind of
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: let Jesus take the wheel. Or whatever. Like, makes me
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: just put my hands up. Like, I don't know. I
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: don't know. I have concepts of a plan. I don't know. Is...
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: I'm a confidant. I'm a confidant. I know all the
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: sides pretty freaking well. I didn't even ask for this
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: situation to unfold. I know all the sides pretty well
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: and there are conflicting boundaries. There are conflicting desires and
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: conflicting boundaries. Whose boundaries am I willing to break? Am
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: I willing to break anybody's? Sometimes I do break people's boundaries.
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: There's one notable example and I felt really bad. And
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure I meditated on it a lot and
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure I prayed about it and I was
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: pretty conflicted and it was driving me absolutely freaking crazy
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: because there was conflicting boundaries. One person said one thing.
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: One person said do not share this. One person said
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: you have to share this with me. And I said,
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: oh gosh. Oh boy. And then another third person said,
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: what's going on? Why is your head so messed up?
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: And this is why I'm not a big boundary person.
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: I don't really have boundaries. You can say whatever. You
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: can do whatever. For the most part, Hit me!
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: Hit me!
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: God damn it! I don't care! Like, what? This is
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: not a big deal. Holy shit. Everybody's just having boundaries.
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: Everybody's having boundaries. They're keeping secrets and they're having boundaries.
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: I need a goddamn lighter. There's incense. It's just incense, guys.
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: Don't worry about it. And I really want to go
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: to the store and I really want to get bath salts.
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: Because I used my last bath bomb. Where are all
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: the lighters? Like, we have a thousand lighters and none
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: of them are present. The angels have stolen my lighters
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: for the last freaking time. Alright, actually I know where
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: my lighters are. I think I probably have like eight
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: in my purse. Yeah, I do. Just in case. I
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: also have like matches around the house. These my partner bought.
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: I really like them. They like cheer for me. I
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: think he bought the wrong kind or something. I want
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: to say that was the story. And they say go fire.
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: I'm a fire sign so I really like this. It
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: says go fire. So I put them all around the house.
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: It says go fire. Go fire. They cheer for me.
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: And they're just, like, some stuff that, like, my partner
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: bought the wrong kind of whatever for camping or whatever.
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: I'm so annoyed. I'm so annoyed. I guess, I mean,
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: it seems like I just have to be a dominatrix, like...
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: I think this is the only... And I don't want to.
• 35:15
  Speaker 2: I don't want to.
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: Everyone's telling me just beat the boy into submission. Just
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: be his literal mother. Punish him. What? They're actually... They're
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: not saying punish him. Some of them are. Some of
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: them are... Most of them are not saying punish him.
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: They're actually saying... What are they saying? They're saying just...
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: be extremely clear about what you weren't and accept the
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: fact that like he's probably just not gonna give it
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: to you because he just hasn't been like I just
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: I don't like the implication that I haven't been extremely
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: clear that's what I don't like that's what I don't
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: like I've been extremely clear I've been so clear that
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: now I'm the problem I'm too clear I asked for
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: consent too clearly. And so, I don't know. I think
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: y'all have cursed me. Somebody has cursed me. It might
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: have been my damn self. I mean, and I guess
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: I just. I know what I need to do, I guess.
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: I try again. I try again. I initiate the conversation
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: once more. And I accept that I'm probably not going
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: to like the answer. I might not like the answer.
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: It's not that I probably won't. Statistics aren't even real.
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: I might not like the answer. and I approach from
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: a place of care and curiosity which is kind of
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: what I tried to do last night maybe I think
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: I only really approached from curiosity and I didn't really
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: have the care it was like my feeling of care
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: got pulled away And I was like, why? Why did
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: this happen? And he gave me an answer and it
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: seemed indicative of escape. And I tried again to be curious,
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: Maybe I didn't. Maybe I didn't. Maybe at that point
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: I was just like, you're such a fucking idiot. I
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: probably didn't say that, but I perhaps was thinking it.
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: It just doesn't make sense to me. The chain of
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: events and what goes on in his head and how
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: we get here And I just get upset Do I
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: save him or do I not save him that's the
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: question do I if I try to save him is
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: this Savior complex I I mean, ultimately, I don't think
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: anything's that wrong with him. I think he's... I don't know,
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: but he's getting worse. He's getting worse. I was going
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: to say he's highly independent, but I think it's getting
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: pretty worse. There were three loads of laundry when I
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: got home. I'm pretty sure he was living out of
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: the laundry pile. Which, I've done it. This is like
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: something that I would do during final season. Are we
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: in final season? I'm happy to do it. I'm gonna
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: have to... I'm happy to do it. But he doesn't
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: want me to be like a stay-at-home wife also, so.
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: Which, if I didn't have my car... Maybe I should
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: go speak to the freaking car people, actually. Oh, but
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: I need a car. I definitely, definitely need a car.
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: Maybe I could trade it in? For something smaller? I
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: don't know. I could at least go talk to them.
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: The problem is I let somebody drive it and they
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: backed it into something. And they offered to pay for it.
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: I don't know how sincere it was and I honestly
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: it kind of feels like karma. I feel like I
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: should just take care of it. I don't know. There's
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: a lot I should do. I should go take care
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: of my car. I should go look into maybe finding
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: a different situation. Yeah. It's not. I don't know. I
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: don't know, guys.