Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 150: Should I Stay or Should I Go? Identifying Red & Green Flags in Relationship

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150: Should I Stay or Should I Go? Identifying Red & Green Flags in Relationship · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:21
  My name is MaryAnn Walker.
• 0:23
  I'm the life coach for the helpers, healers people pleasers.
• 0:25
  And today I am the life coach for the people that are highly accommodating of other people and they're very aware about how they're showing up and the level the other people are able to accept them, but they may also be a little bit unclear around what it is that they are looking for.
• 0:40
  So they find themselves feeling unfulfilled in relationships.
• 0:43
  So today we're going to be talking about how to identify.
• 0:47
  Your personal red and green flags in relationships.
• 0:50
  When you are at recovering people pleaser, it can be really easy to overlook vital information about other people.
• 0:57
  Essentially, we do this because we have been accustomed to accommodating other people.
• 1:02
  So this means that oftentimes we are more concerned about if the other person likes us, we're more consumed with that.
• 1:08
  And we don't actually take the time to question if we actually like the other person, right.
• 1:13
  We assume we should like everyone and everyone should like us.
• 1:18
  But that kind of presents a challenge when you're trying to seek out true compatibility in relationship.
• 1:23
  So to kind of illustrate this point, then let's talk a little bit about heartsick, Hannah.
• 1:28
  Okay.
• 1:28
  Heartsick, Hannah went on a first date with honest Henry and the two had such a great time on their date, but at the end of the date, then Henry let Hannah know that.
• 1:38
  Hey, while I had a really great time, I don't actually picture the two of us having a longterm relationship, but thank you for the date.
• 1:45
  I really enjoyed myself.
• 1:46
  Now it was at this point that Heartsick Hannah became, well, heartsick.
• 1:52
  She became so concerned with why Henry didn't pick her, that she never actually stopped to think about if she actually liked him.
• 2:00
  And of course, if I were heartsick Hannah's coach, then I would help her to sit for a minute and process the pain and process those rejection wounds, because those are real.
• 2:10
  And also eventually I would hope to get her to a place where she could realize that wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with her is probably a red flag, regardless of why it is that Henry decided he didn't want something longterm, that maybe it's not in her best interest to pursue someone who has said that, nope, I don't see this going anywhere.
• 2:31
  Okay.
• 2:32
  So rather than appreciating Henry's honesty, then Hannah made it mean that she wasn't good enough.
• 2:38
  She wasn't lovable enough.
• 2:39
  She wasn't pretty enough.
• 2:40
  She wasn't desirable enough.
• 2:41
  She made it mean a lot of negative things about her.
• 2:44
  Rather than just simply, I guess we're not compatible in this way.
• 2:49
  But ultimately she is enough.
• 2:52
  And so are you.
• 2:54
  And once you stop investing into people that aren't interested in you, then you can really start making space for the people that are willing to invest into you and the people that do see the value that you add into this world.
• 3:05
  And you can make room for the people that do see something long-term with you.
• 3:10
  If we're unclear about what it is that we are looking for in relationship, then it's more likely that we're ultimately going to settle.
• 3:17
  Now I want to emphasize that red flags and green flags, are not just for romantic relationships.
• 3:23
  They apply it to your friendships as well.
• 3:25
  And to any influential person in your life.
• 3:28
  Another reason why these red flags and these green flags are so important is because we are the sum of the five people that we allowed to have the most influence over us.
• 3:36
  And so if you want to be your best self, spend time with people that bring out the best in you.
• 3:42
  And help you to feel like your best and most authentic self.
• 3:46
  So now let's talk for a minute about what red flags are.
• 3:50
  Red flags are they behaviors, patterns, or attitudes that signal potential toxicity or emotional harm, or maybe even physical harm or some kind of misalignment of your values in relationship.
• 4:03
  There are some red flags that are universal red flags.
• 4:06
  For example, if someone is abusive or toxic, everyone would agree that yeah, that's a red flag.
• 4:11
  Stay away from that person.
• 4:12
  But there are also personal red flags.
• 4:15
  For example, maybe for you personally, it is a non-negotiable that you choose to spend your holidays with family.
• 4:22
  So when you find yourself in relationship with somebody who doesn't want that, then you can better identify that.
• 4:27
  Oh, if I choose to pursue a relationship with this person, when they do not want to spend the holidays with family, but would rather spend it alone, I am essentially choosing into a relationship where I may find myself feeling resentful towards them.
• 4:42
  We might find ourselves experiencing a fight around the holidays every single year, because we want different things.
• 4:48
  Okay.
• 4:49
  So it's kind of just revealing that when I'm really honest about what it is that I want.
• 4:53
  I'm can be more honest with myself about what it is I would be choosing into if I chose into that relationship.
• 5:00
  As you identify, what is a green flag for you then it also makes it a lot easier to identify what you are red flags are.
• 5:06
  Okay.
• 5:06
  I'm somebody that totally believes in focusing on the positive, right.
• 5:10
  So in my coaching calls, that's what we might talk about is what are your green flags, because that will reveal the red flags.
• 5:16
  So it will let you know what your non-negotiables are.
• 5:18
  So, for example, if it is a green flag for you to be on the same page as your partner spiritually, then that also means that it would be a red flag if the two of you were not on the same page spiritually.
• 5:30
  If it is a green flag for the other person to enjoy hiking and camping and spending time outdoors, then that also means that it would be a red flag if the other person, they just hate dirt and bugs and they don't even want to have a picnic outside.
• 5:43
  Right.
• 5:43
  It helps to bring that clarity.
• 5:45
  If it is a green flag for you to be in relationship with somebody who prioritizes personal development and they're always reading self-help books, then it may be a red flag for you if you meet somebody that doesn't read books and they never challenged their own thinking, they just always assume that they're right.
• 6:01
  Without ever challenging their thinking.
• 6:03
  Right.
• 6:04
  So many people choose to stay in relationships, even when they see red flags out of hope that the other person will change or maybe they stay because they're just really attracted to them physically.
• 6:13
  So they think, oh, I can just ignore that because they're hot.
• 6:16
  Right.
• 6:17
  Or maybe they're choosing to remain in relationship out of fear or loneliness or simply a lack of clarity around what it is that they really want.
• 6:26
  But this isn't kind to themselves and it's also not kind to the other person.
• 6:32
  In fact, if you are remaining in relationship with another person, hoping that they will change, you're not actually loving them.
• 6:39
  Instead you're actually resenting them and hoping that they will change.
• 6:44
  So that's the definition of not loving them.
• 6:46
  We're actually in love with their potential, but that's not who they are.
• 6:50
  Right.
• 6:50
  They're showing us who they are and we're choosing that, no, I'll love you when you have changed.
• 6:56
  We're not in relationship with them.
• 6:58
  And that is not a kindness, right?
• 7:00
  It is actually a kindness to both of you to get clear on what your personal red and green flags are.
• 7:07
  Ignoring the red flags and thinking the other person will eventually change, it leads to emotional fatigue, right?
• 7:12
  Because we're just pulling our hair out thinking, well, why aren't they changing?
• 7:16
  It's also wasting both of your time, and it consistently leaves you feeling out of alignment with your own value system.
• 7:24
  So here are a few common red flags.
• 7:25
  These may apply to your romantic relationship or also to friendships, but here's some very common ones.
• 7:31
  Okay.
• 7:31
  So a lack of respect for boundaries.
• 7:34
  So this might mean that they're pressuring you into doing something that you don't feel comfortable doing, or they're dismissing their feelings.
• 7:40
  Maybe they're inconsistent and unreliable, they're saying one thing, but they're doing another.
• 7:46
  Maybe they are excessively negative, or maybe you've noticed a victim mentality that keeps coming up for them.
• 7:52
  They're always blaming other people and they're never actually taking responsibility for themselves.
• 7:57
  Or maybe you've noticed that they're jealous and possessive.
• 8:00
  And this might manifest as controlling behaviors, masked as caring too much, right?
• 8:04
  So they're taking away your freedom and personal autonomy under the guise of caring too much.
• 8:10
  They just don't want you to spend time with other people.
• 8:12
  Or maybe they're gossiping about others constantly.
• 8:15
  And just remember if they're doing that to other people, they'll do it to you too.
• 8:20
  Maybe you're noticing a lack of accountability.
• 8:22
  They never apologize or they don't learn from their mistakes.
• 8:26
  They just keep making mistakes and expect you to just forgive them.
• 8:29
  But they're not actually making those changes.
• 8:32
  Maybe you've noticed that it's a one-sided relationship where they are always taking and rarely giving.
• 8:38
  Maybe they're disrespecting your time, your energy or your values.
• 8:42
  So just kind of notice if these are a few of the red flags that are coming up for you in relationship.
• 8:46
  Sometimes we tend to minimize these because we feel like the green flags outweigh the red flags.
• 8:52
  I mean, let's be honest, everybody that we're in relationship there is going to be some things that are just kinda okay.
• 8:57
  Well, that might be a little bit annoying.
• 8:58
  That's not what we're talking about here.
• 9:00
  Okay.
• 9:00
  We're talking about the things where we're making it clear how it is that we want to be treated.
• 9:04
  Okay.
• 9:05
  People, they learn how to treat us through the behaviors that we are and are not willing to tolerate.
• 9:10
  So if you're tolerating certain behaviors, you're telling them that that's okay, you don't need to change.
• 9:17
  I will change to accommodate you.
• 9:19
  You don't need to change.
• 9:20
  So then we're giving them mixed messaging, right?
• 9:22
  Because on one hand, we're telling them, Hey, you don't need to change.
• 9:26
  I'm just going to keep accommodating you.
• 9:28
  I'm going to keep forgiving you.
• 9:30
  It's fine.
• 9:31
  But on the other side, we keep hoping that they're going to change and they're going to feel that.
• 9:35
  So we're giving out this mixed messaging because we're not being super clear on what our red flags are and how it's impacting us.
• 9:41
  So now let's talk a bit about green flags.
• 9:44
  Now green flags are the positive qualities, the indicate emotional health, integrity, and strong relationship skills.
• 9:51
  And while it's good to know what your red flags are, it is also vitally important to know what it is that you're looking for.
• 9:58
  For some people, then they are able to identify a few red flags and then they think, well, therefore we should be compatible because they don't have the red flags, but they aren't looking for the green flags.
• 10:10
  So for example, they might say, oh, well, you know, they don't hit me.
• 10:13
  So it's fine.
• 10:15
  Okay, well, that's really setting the bar pretty low, right?
• 10:18
  And while it's great that this person doesn't hit you, it's not exactly putting the bar high enough for you to find true compatibility and true connection.
• 10:27
  K.
• 10:27
  So the green flags are going to let us know the ways that we are compatible.
• 10:30
  It's not just saying, well, they don't have any red flags.
• 10:33
  It's saying no, what are the green flags that are going to let me know that we are truly compatible.
• 10:37
  So identifying the green flags is what creates that meaningful connection.
• 10:41
  The connection that can only go so deep when you're only seeking somebody that for example, they're free of debt and they don't hurt you.
• 10:48
  So sure you may be physically and financially safe.
• 10:51
  But that's not actually a gauge for true compatibility.
• 10:54
  When we identify our green flags, then that's when we're going to find this genuine connecting compatibility.
• 11:01
  Okay.
• 11:02
  So now let's talk about a few key green flags for both romantic relationships and friendships.
• 11:06
  Consistency.
• 11:07
  You're going to notice a lot of these are kind of the inverse of what we just talked about for the red flags.
• 11:11
  Right.
• 11:12
  So they're consistent.
• 11:13
  Their actions and their words match up.
• 11:17
  This means that they're reliable and they're trustworthy.
• 11:20
  They respect your boundaries.
• 11:22
  They honor your space, your time and your values.
• 11:26
  They're not going to keep pushing you to be different.
• 11:29
  Okay.
• 11:29
  So just as sometimes when we're not really clear on our red and green flags, we might be pressuring somebody else thinking, well, you should change to make me more comfortable.
• 11:37
  Notice that if it's happening on the other direction, right.
• 11:40
  If they're saying, well, no, like that, shouldn't be your boundary.
• 11:42
  You should accommodate me in this way.
• 11:44
  That's actually a red flag in relationship.
• 11:48
  Another green flag is they have supporting and uplifting energy.
• 11:52
  They're genuinely able to celebrate your success.
• 11:54
  They're genuinely able to encourage your growth and that's a beautiful thing.
• 11:59
  Another green flag is emotional intelligence and self-awareness, they're capable of apologizing when they've done something wrong.
• 12:07
  They take accountability.
• 12:09
  And they handle conflicts maturely.
• 12:11
  They're not doing the blame game.
• 12:12
  They're not trying to shift responsibility.
• 12:14
  They're taking ownership.
• 12:16
  That is a huge green flag.
• 12:18
  Another green flag, mutual effort and reciprocity.
• 12:22
  This relationship is not one sided, but both people are investing into the relationship.
• 12:27
  And yeah, sometimes, you know, it's rarely 50 50.
• 12:30
  Sometimes we talk about it being 50 50 and, and being exactly equal.
• 12:35
  The balance kind of shifts and changes as needs changed.
• 12:38
  So maybe it's sometimes 60, 40 in one direction and then sometimes 60, 40 in the other direction.
• 12:43
  But overall, you're going to experience that balance there and that reciprocity.
• 12:47
  They encourage your independence.
• 12:49
  They want you to thrive.
• 12:51
  They don't want to control you.
• 12:53
  They're going to be encouraging you to go out into the world to try new things, to spend time with friends and other people.
• 12:59
  They value personal growth.
• 13:02
  They're somebody that is constantly working on themselves and they see the value in that.
• 13:06
  So that means that they are open to learning.
• 13:08
  And also they're going to be encouraging those same qualities in you.
• 13:12
  They're honest and have integrity.
• 13:14
  They're transparent in their communication.
• 13:17
  There's no manipulation.
• 13:18
  There's no deceit.
• 13:19
  You know that when they're making a request that you can trust their words that, oh, this is what it is that they want from me.
• 13:25
  They're not trying to manipulate me.
• 13:26
  I don't have to try to read between the lines they're being clear and honest in their communication, and I can trust their words.
• 13:33
  That's a big deal.
• 13:34
  And these are very basic green flags and these are ones that kind of apply to all relationships in general.
• 13:40
  But I want you to also get really clear about what your personal green flags are.
• 13:44
  This is where you're going to gauge the compatibility So, for example, do you want somebody who is of the same faith as you?
• 13:51
  Do you want someone who shares the same diet?
• 13:54
  It might be a conflict of interest if you're a vegan, for example, and you're dating someone who is on the carnivore diet.
• 13:59
  Okay.
• 13:59
  That might present a conflict for you, but get very clear with yourself on that.
• 14:04
  Is it important for you to be in a relationship with someone who enjoys the same hobbies, the same sports, the same kind of outings.
• 14:09
  What about family relationships and parenting styles?
• 14:12
  What do you want those to look like?
• 14:14
  Are you a cat person and they're allergic to cats.
• 14:17
  What's the deal breaker for you?
• 14:19
  Is that something that you want to consider or is it a non-issue?
• 14:22
  Would you like a partner who can trade off on the cooking and the shopping?
• 14:26
  What about political views?
• 14:28
  Do you want to be on the same page there?
• 14:29
  What are your non-negotiables?
• 14:32
  And yes, when you narrow down the field, it can feel scary because what if we don't find somebody that checks all those boxes?
• 14:41
  And also what good does it do to invest into others who don't check those boxes?
• 14:47
  That's going to just make it a lot harder for you to open yourself up to the possibility of finding someone who does check those boxes, because now you've committed yourself elsewhere.
• 14:55
  With the bar really low.
• 14:57
  Right.
• 14:58
  Now as a reminders are talking about these.
• 15:00
  Yes.
• 15:00
  The bulk of this is going to be applying it to your romantic relationships, but it's also good to assess your friendships from time to time.
• 15:07
  Especially if you are a recovering people, pleaser.
• 15:10
  Sometimes we remain in friendship with people just because we've been friends for a long time.
• 15:15
  And it feels easier to just keep somebody around, even when they're a bit of a drain, than it does to start something new.
• 15:21
  And I totally get it.
• 15:22
  And I'm not saying that you have to cut off your friends.
• 15:25
  Okay.
• 15:25
  I'm not telling anybody they have to cut off your lifelong friends.
• 15:28
  And also it's okay to acknowledge what is for you.
• 15:32
  So for example, you might be thinking, well, yes, we were really close in high school.
• 15:36
  And after 20, 30 years of life experience, we're really different people and we just kind of clash more than we connect these days.
• 15:44
  Okay.
• 15:44
  Give yourself permission to broaden your circle.
• 15:48
  Additionally, I just want to also touch on toxic and narcissistic relationships because sometimes, especially if you're listening here, the highly sensitive people, the impasse, the people pleasers.
• 15:58
  Many of us are going to find ourselves in narcissistic or toxic relationships and these relationships, they might seem to serve us in the beginning, right.
• 16:07
  In the love bombing stage.
• 16:08
  It's like, oh yeah, this is amazing.
• 16:10
  This is beautiful.
• 16:11
  I love it.
• 16:12
  But then later we might find ourselves feeling depleted and stuck.
• 16:16
  And it's confusing and disorienting because since we were loved bombed, then we know that they're capable of showing up well, And because of that, we hold on to it, hoping to get our partner back or hoping to get our bestie back that, no they're going to come back.
• 16:30
  I know they will, there just must be something wrong.
• 16:32
  And once it's been resolved, then they'll come back.
• 16:34
  And the love me and the ways that they did in the beginning.
• 16:37
  Take some time to just be really honest with yourself and assess the current situation.
• 16:42
  Get super clear on how people are currently showing up or not showing up for you.
• 16:47
  Okay.
• 16:48
  It's really easy to be your best self in the early stages of relationship.
• 16:52
  But over time when you start to see how maybe how they're responding to conflict.
• 16:56
  Or maybe when you see more clearly how they do and do not show up in relationship, it's okay to reassess your relationships.
• 17:03
  In fact, it's highly encouraged to just do a little bit of a relationship audit.
• 17:06
  See what relationships are serving you.
• 17:08
  See what relationships are not serving you and change those boundaries accordingly.
• 17:14
  I have created a journal to help you do this very thing.
• 17:17
  I know firsthand how hard it can be to see things clearly when you're really stuck in the thick of it.
• 17:23
  And so in the show notes, you can find a link to my, should I stay or should I go journal.
• 17:27
  Right now the price on that is super low.
• 17:29
  I want to get it out to as many people as possible.
• 17:31
  And if you want to write me a review for it, I would love to have that.
• 17:34
  Um, so the price probably won't be staying at where it is right now.
• 17:37
  So come and get a copy if you're interested in that.
• 17:40
  But one thing I really want to remind you of it before we go, is that we really, truly are the sum of the five people that we choose to have the most influence over us.
• 17:48
  And so when we choose to remain in relationship with people who do not align with our value system, then we ourselves are now out of alignment with our value system.
• 17:58
  I know that there are many people who were in toxic relationships and they feel really guilty about who they were in that relationship.
• 18:06
  They recognize I wasn't showing up in my own integrity.
• 18:09
  I tolerated a lot of behaviors and I actually started behaving in a lot of ways that I'm just not proud of.
• 18:15
  So if this is you.
• 18:17
  Please forgive yourself.
• 18:19
  You were doing the best that you could with the tools that you had at the time.
• 18:22
  And now is the time to add more tools to your tool belt.
• 18:26
  The people around us help to shape our mindset, our habits, our emotional health.
• 18:31
  So choose these people wisely.
• 18:34
  You are on track to find that balance between love, loyalty and discernment, you are a highly sensitive person.
• 18:41
  You do have that discernment and maybe sometimes you've neglected that discernment.
• 18:45
  Right.
• 18:46
  You've decided to put it on the shelf when you've noticed the red flags, because you just so wanted to be loved and accepted.
• 18:51
  Love that part of you too.
• 18:53
  And tap back into that discernment, tap back into seeing those red and green flags more clearly.
• 18:59
  Not every red flag means that you need to cut somebody off immediately.
• 19:02
  Some people are still growing and also that doesn't mean that you have to be deeply entangled in their journey.
• 19:08
  Nor does it mean that it is your responsibility to fix them?
• 19:12
  They are responsible for them and you are responsible for you.
• 19:16
  So even if it is just a season where they're acting out of alignment and then you kind of notice that you're acting out of alignment, it's okay to even just assess for that season, that for this season, I can see that this isn't healthy.
• 19:29
  For this season, I can see that they need to work through that if we're going to continue.
• 19:34
  Okay.
• 19:34
  It's okay to acknowledge that it's a season.
• 19:37
  And maybe they will change and maybe they won't, but be really honest about where it is that you're currently at.
• 19:43
  Knowing what you want it helps you to not only avoid settling, but also to create balanced, thriving relationships.
• 19:50
  You deserve relationships that bring value.
• 19:53
  Not just relationships that fill the space.
• 19:56
  So this week, I really want you to think about who are the five people who are currently having the most influence on you.
• 20:02
  And are they adding or subtracting from your life?
• 20:08
  Make a list of your non-negotiables, your green flags, your red flags.
• 20:11
  I make an honest list about it and reflect on your relationships and see where it is that you might need to make some changes where you might need is place a boundary where you might need to kind of mix things up a little bit, shift your level of investment.
• 20:22
  Be really honest about that.
• 20:25
  Additionally, if you have discovered from listening to this, that, oh, I might be in a red flag relationship and you're in need of support, come and work with me.
• 20:33
  If you're single and you're wanting some support gaining clarity around your specific green flags, maybe you've been accommodating other people so much that you don't even know what it is that you're looking for anymore.
• 20:42
  Come and work with me.
• 20:44
  If you're in a position where you're reassessing the relationships that you're currently in, come and work with me, I would love to work with you.
• 20:51
  And if you're wanting a journal to help you to gain some clarity around your relationships, common snag, a copy of my, should I stay or should I go journal.
• 20:58
  The link is in the show notes.
• 20:59
  So come and check it out again.
• 21:01
  It might not stay that price for very.
• 21:02
  The long, so grab it while you can.
• 21:04
  And Hey, if you enjoyed this episode, will you please leave me a review?
• 21:07
  It really does help me to reach more people.
• 21:09
  So thank you so much for being here.
• 21:11
  Here's to healthy, balanced relationships.
• 21:14
  All right.
• 21:14
  I love you guys.
• 21:15
  Hope you have a great week.
• 21:16
  Let's talk soon.
• 21:16
  Bye now.