Latest / I Do, Part 2 / The Secret To Happiness, How To Make The Right Decisions In Life From Romantic Partners To What You Eat For Breakfast

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The Secret To Happiness, How To Make The Right Decisions In Life From Romantic Partners To What You Eat For Breakfast · I Do, Part 2

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey there, folks.
• 0:02
  Speaker 2: It is Saturday, May sixteenth, and the secret to happiness
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: has been found and it boils down to this, are
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: you a maximizer or a satisfiser? And with that, welcome
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: to this episode of Amy and TJ.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Robes.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: The secret to happeness has been discovered. I am one
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: hundred percent of believer in what they have figured out, Robes.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: I love this. I'm not over selling. I think this
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: is it wow.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: And I actually full disclosure here.
• 0:36
  Speaker 3: You asked me not to read the article because you
• 0:39
  Speaker 3: wanted to have a little fun with this, and I'll
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: be learning along with all of you listeners what the
• 0:45
  Speaker 3: secret to happiness is and what those words were that
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: he just said, what they mean maximiser and meister.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: Yes, well what was it? And it can't even repeat
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: what you said?
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: A maximizer, a maximizer or a satusfeiser?
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: Okay, is peiser? That's where I got, meister, because there
• 1:02
  Speaker 3: is speiser.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: So satis spicer is a combination of these two words
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: satisfy and suffice, a sadus peisser. We will get into
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: and explain. But this came to us. It has come
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: from Sam as well, our producer.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: Uh No, I found this actually just this week.
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: I actually saw a headline that said secret to Happiness,
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: and I thought, hmm, this could be good. So I just,
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: you know, you just copy and paste and stored this
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: article away, but I didn't actually read it. I saved
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: it for a rainy day. You actually clicked on it.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: I did. I went so deep into a dive on
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: this thing, because you do see a lot of stuff
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: that's clickbait. Secret of Happiness, secrete, Keita living Longer has
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: been discovered, all kinds of stuff, and you click and
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: it's just some BS. Correct, this was not BS. So
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: the article you found it was from the New York
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: Times and it was titled the Nobel winning Psychologist who
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: believed he found the Secret to Success. It was written
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: by an author by the name of David Epstein who
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: was doing a guest essay. Before we get into it all,
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: let me give you this bottom line, robes to Secret
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: to Happiness. You are spoiling everything, every relationship, every experience,
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: and every moment by wondering if something better is out
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: there than the decision you've made.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: Wow, the grass is greener? Does that make sense?
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: We drive ourselves crazy with comparison. Is the thief of
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: joy is what people say. It sounds a little bit
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: like that where you're always comparing or imagining a better life,
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: a better partner, a better job, a better house, a
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: better vacation, a better car, yes, a better life, and
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: you're thinking someone else has it and you want it.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: This is the we've heard generally, and you and I
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: have even studied some things along the way. We hear
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: ideas of this put different ways of the way. You
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: just put it. This is the best I've ever heard
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: it put. This comes to us from a pioneering social
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: scientist by the name of Herbert Simon, and the idea
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: basically here is stop searching for the best when you're
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: making a decision. Did you say that's a tendency we
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: all have? All right, I need to go get a
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: new computer. What's the best thing available?
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: All right?
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: I'm picking out fruit at the grocery store. Which one
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: is the best orange? Let me pick it up and
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: put it. Would you say, that's just generally what we do.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: Absolutely we all do it.
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: Yes, Okay, something as simple as a restaurant. Would you say, man,
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: I'm looking for the particular thing, the best thing, and
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: certainly dating would you say, that's a mind set that
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: people generally have. I'm looking for what is it the best?
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: Just okay, I'm looking for this. I'm looking for what.
• 3:31
  Speaker 3: No, you want the best, and then if you feel
• 3:34
  Speaker 3: like you don't have it, or you feel like someone
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: else has it, you imagine what it would how much
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: better your life would be if you could have that.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: I think that's a big part of it.
• 3:42
  Speaker 3: But yes, when you're dating and you're looking for your partner,
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: I think that's the biggest decision we all make. It's
• 3:46
  Speaker 3: the biggest decision you make that has the biggest impact
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: on your happiness.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: For sure.
• 3:51
  Speaker 3: Who you end up with absolutely is the biggest part
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: of what your life looks like or how you feel
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: about your life.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: And a part of this I'll mention now at the bottom,
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: they do give a dating strategy. Strategy that's a matter
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: of probability when it comes to decision making that you
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: have to hear to believe. But yes, what you describe
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: robes this doctor Herbert Simon, this social scientist, said that
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: is the absolute wrong strategy, and that's what's making you unhappy.
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: Your tendency to search for the best in decisions that
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: you're making that this guy actually died in two thousand
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: and one. Roads he did win a Nobel Prize in
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: Economic sciences wow in never nineteen seventy eight. Now, his
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: daughter was interviewed as a part of this, but she
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: said he didn't just study this, he lived it. The
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: man wore one brand of socks his entire adult life.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: He lived in the same house for forty six years.
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: He had the same exact breakfast every single morning. They said,
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: by taking out all these mundane decisions they're already been made,
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: your mind is freed up for things that actually matter.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: I just got chills.
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: Never ever considered that ever, because we're so busy trying
• 5:11
  Speaker 3: to find what would be the best thing that we
• 5:13
  Speaker 3: miss out on just being able to use our minds
• 5:16
  Speaker 3: and our hearts for something better. You know what this
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: reminds me of, though, It's funny, like I think about
• 5:23
  Speaker 3: some of the things my parents instilled in me, and
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: one of the things my mom used to get crazy
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: when she would see You're sitting in a restaurant, right
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: and you see parents bringing their young kids to a restaurant,
• 5:33
  Speaker 3: which we really never got to go to.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: But as an adult, we've witnessed this and the kid,
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: They're like, what do you want? Do you want this? Now?
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: Do you want the chicken nut?
• 5:42
  Speaker 3: No?
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: Do you want the pizza?
• 5:43
  Speaker 3: No?
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: And we can sit there and listen, and my mom
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: is like, too many choices? This is driving me hard.
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: Parents are why are they giving their kids twelve choices?
• 5:52
  Speaker 3: You tell them is the chicken nuggets or the pizza?
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: Pick?
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: And you don't give them the menu. And so when
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: they're at a certain age. So we used to drive
• 5:58
  Speaker 3: my mom and dad crazy. And I would hear them
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: and I think I tried to do the same thing,
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: like you give people too many choices, they get overwhelmed.
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: But they were only talking about kids. Apparently it's for
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: all of us.
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: Okay, you're not looking at my rundown I put together here.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: You are taking.
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: You are transistioning me exactly into the next thing. This
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: is a key finding. You're unhappy because your mind can't
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: really evaluate all the information necessary with your options to
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: make a good decision. Anyway, we can't.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: Compute ropes so much. Is that you want to go
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: buy a new TV?
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: What do you wanna do? You want to go with LG,
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: you want to go with Samsong, You want to go
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: with sixty five inch, you want to go with fifty
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: five inch. You want to get the one that has
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: the built in monitor.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: It's plasma screen, the whatever.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: Yes, there are too many options. You cannot take in
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: all the info. This is what they say. Try instead,
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: find a good option, look at a few alternatives, make
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: a choice, move on with your life.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: You know what is so funny.
• 6:57
  Speaker 3: I do a lot of things wrong, but I will
• 6:58
  Speaker 3: tell you, and I've always thought maybe this was a
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: bad this is something I do that isn't good.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: I make quick decisions I make.
• 7:07
  Speaker 3: I make gut instincts like I and a lot of
• 7:09
  Speaker 3: the like because I know not about life big time
• 7:13
  Speaker 3: things I'm saying like a car, an outfit, a pair
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: of shoes. I tend to just say, you know what,
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: it's good enough. I do, And then sometimes I look.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: Then I regret, like I should. I should have planned more,
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: I should have looked more. I should have considered more options.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: I should. But I do make quick decisions.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: You're taking me actually into another thing. We're going to
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: hit on good enough, good enough and settling end up
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: getting mixed up. And this is why people have a problem. Damn,
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: you are taking me right through this thing.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: One more thing on your guy, look at the computer
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: screen again.
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: The one more thing on our guy. Herbert Simon is
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: I told you ate the same breakfast, same house, saying
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: brand of socks his daughter, and speaking on this article
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: in New York Times, said he actually only had three
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: sets of clothes, as what he believed at least three
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: of clothes, the one you're wearing, the one in the hamper,
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: and the one hanging up in the closet ready to go.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: That's all you need. It's a sent Well, most people
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: can't live that way.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: I was trying to imagine.
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: No, no, no, there's no way, but there is. Even
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: if you can't go with that, it doesn't seem reasonable.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: It is quite frankly understandable. Why do you need more
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: than that? How many more decisions are you trying to make?
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: I understand people want to look, But it's just the
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: point that he was making, You know.
• 8:28
  Speaker 3: What brings me to I remember thinking there was so
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: much peace in my house with my two daughters because
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: through eighth grade they went to this little Catholic school
• 8:37
  Speaker 3: here in Manhattan, and they had uniforms.
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: Every day they had to wear.
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: The same thing, and it was the same thing as
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: everyone else, and life was simple when when and then
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: Annelie's had she had.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: A uniform all the way through high school. But when
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: Ava got to high school, she went to public high
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: school and just to what do I wear?
• 8:56
  Speaker 3: The stress of what she was wearing and how it
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: would be com heard to others, and it was a
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: completely different scenario versus a uniform. It made things simple,
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: easy and peaceful.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: Rope.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: I gave a couple of scenarios earlier. I won't come
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: up with one better than what you just described. How
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: was the mourning for analyse versus the morning for Ava?
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: How was the how was getting to school and meeting
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: up with friends in the morning ib for Ava eyeballing
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: what everybody else was wearing and anat least not having
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: that stress she was Analyst was freed up for other things.
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: Ava's mind is still caught up in. That is a
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: perfect example exactly what they're talking about. And you saw
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: it in your own house.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: I did.
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: With a decision that had to be made every day
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: versus one that was already made.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: That's kind of amazing.
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: Okay, So the status feisser versus the maximizer. So the
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: guy coined the phrame's satisficing to be satisfied and have
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: it suffice. Satisficer versus A maximizer is the person who
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: thinks you can find the best if we look hard
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: enough and long enough.
• 10:04
  Speaker 3: You know what. I look at this with verbos too,
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: You and I going back and forth trying to pick
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: where we're going to stay when.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: We go on vacation. It's true.
• 10:12
  Speaker 3: If you just can be a satisficer, you get your
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: decision made much quicker.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: It's not stressful.
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah, there might be a better house somewhere for a
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: better value, but you know what, the amount of time
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: it is going to take to find it makes you
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: so annoyed and frustrated.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: That it's not worth it.
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: Which one are you?
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: Oh, I'm a satisficer?
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: Thanks? So really?
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: I do? I do think I am?
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: I Actually I lean more towards saying it's good enough,
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: and I'd rather protect my piece.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: Maximizers tend to be less satisfied with their decisions and
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: with their lives.
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: Wow, because they always think they could have done better,
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: or they could find better.
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: And you know what's not helping is social media because
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: you are seeing a perfectly put together image of somebody
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: else's life, you know what yours is, So you always,
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: no matter what you have, you always think and you
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: can pick up your phone and see that somebody has better, more,
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: or whatever it may be. And you're never ever going
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: to be satisfied as a maximizer.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think we all do that.
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: Like I'm not saying that I don't do that, and
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: I haven't been there, and I don't find myself there.
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: I think now hearing something like this, you can recognize
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: it and stop and say I'm going to stop. I'm
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: going to be a satisficer right now, and it's going
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: to be good enough and I'm going to be happy.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: So this is the pushback you get from maximizers often
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: because we hate the idea of settling, like I'm settling
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: for something, right. We hear that in relationships all the time.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to settle no matter what I've settled,
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: damn it. Yes, but you can.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: Apply it to damn near everything. So folks hate the idea. Nope,
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: this sounds like you're settling. Why shouldn't I go out
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: there and get the best, And why shouldn't I go
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: out there and fight and make sure I have the
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: best here's the problem, Ropes. There's a difference between settling
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: and also accepting what's good enough for you. There's a
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: standard you can set of I want the best, or
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: your standard could be this is acceptable for me, and
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: when you find that thing, stop fucking looking. Yeah, stop
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: right there, And that's the key to being happy in life.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: Which one are you?
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: I think I'm one hundred percent satisfy, sir. I'm You've
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: been around me plenty, and Ropes, you see me be
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: very thorough. And but once I'm thorough, I'm not worried
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: about because I know what I want. We did this week.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: We bought a truck not too long ago. I knew
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: exactly that's true. We want it, sure, But you handed
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: that thing off to me and said, TJ, you got
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: a different standard for what we're going to do.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: Because whatever was good enough for you.
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: Whatever. Yes, I had a standard, Ropes. As soon as
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: we found what I said was good enough, done deal Yep,
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: it was done.
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: That's true. But you have to come to that decision
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: and then operate from that place.
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: Because I wasn't trying to find the best truck that
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: was out there. I was trying to find the one
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: that meet the standard that was okay for us, and
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: as soon as we find it, we didn't go, oh, okay,
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: well maybe we look around at this other thing. Well,
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: maybe we can find one that has an extra this. Nope,
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: move forward, straight ahead. So that's a satisfy sir. Here's
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: the key. If you set a standard of what's good
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: enough for you and stick to it, you'll be satisfied
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: with your choices. If your standing is the best out there,
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: you'll never be satisfied with whatever choice you make, because
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: the best is the enemy of the good.
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: Wow, the best is the enemy of the good. That
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: is a powerful statement that I have never heard put
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: that way before.
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: Okay, Robes, I swear I'm not twenty years old standing
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: in the control room at UATV, my senior year. Bob Steele,
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: the news director at KATV at ABC. There for journalism days.
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: They bring in all these professionals to mingle with the
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: kids who are going to be graduating. Maybe you'll find
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: a job. He was looking at my resume tape and
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: looking at a peace of mine, and he was talking
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: to me and then hearing my voice sound different in
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: the piece, and he said, why are you doing like that?
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: You're trying to pronounce and see it to be very perfectly.
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: He said, never let perfect get in the way of good.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: I was twenty years old. That has been with me
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: my entire life.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: You say it all the time, and I never thought
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: about it. But that is this theory.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: And when you came in this mind, I said, Rose,
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: we got dog. I'm losing my mind.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: Validation. I was losing my mind. It makes perfect sense.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: But we get into this where did we get it?
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: Rose? That everything has to be perfect, or that you're
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: settling if you're not getting the absolute best thing out
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: there or the best person out there. You're always looking
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: for something better when what's right in front of you
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: actually what you wanted and is damn good.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: Why do we do that? I don't know, that's the answer.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: I know that my mom used to tell me this,
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: and she had a lot I look back down and
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: I think, wow, I should have followed that advice a
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: little bit more. But she used to always say, stop
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: looking around the room for someone better. There's always going
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: and even when you think about yourself and how you
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: regard yourself, there is always going to be someone in
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: the room who's prettier, who's smarter, who's richer, who's friendlier,
• 15:26
  Speaker 3: who's funnier? Like that's always going to be, So just
• 15:30
  Speaker 3: accept who you are, stop comparing.
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: Oh that is amazing, And Robes, you're going to take
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: me right into this break because Robes has teed me
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: up perfectly for how I have chosen to end this episode.
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: And it comes with two things. One, you've liked a
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: lot of the quotes I've used so far in here, Robes.
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: The next one is going to top it all and
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: bring it all home, I assure you. And then the
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: other there is a mathematical equation that they say will
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: increase your chances of finding the person you're going to
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: be with, should be with, and going to be happy
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: with Robes. You ain't gonna believe this one's they here
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: all right? We continue here on this maximizer versus satisficer
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: episode of Amy and TJ or is that we just
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: said in the break there to each other, this is
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: the simplest stuff, and we just can't adhere to it.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: So often.
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: It's exciting though, because sometimes it takes an article like
• 16:37
  Speaker 3: this we get into folks who spend their lives studying happiness,
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: joy peace.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: And I know a lot of people get to a
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: place in.
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: Their lives where you start reading these self help books
• 16:46
  Speaker 3: and you're trying to figure out why you're unhappy, or
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: why you're not settled, or why you're just you're still
• 16:52
  Speaker 3: craving something that you can't figure out. And so I
• 16:55
  Speaker 3: get excited when you hear something that makes perfect sense,
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: but you hadn't about it that way, where you didn't
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: have this is It gives you a framework with which
• 17:05
  Speaker 3: to build your daily routine and your mental routine. And
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: I do love getting this kind of guidance because it
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: is simple and it's so easy to put in practice
• 17:17
  Speaker 3: if you just make it a part of your daily practice.
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: There are a lot of books out there, roes are
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: plenty on the shelf right here behind us, right This
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: is one article that just gives one tool if you're
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: just mindful about it. This is one of the best
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: things I have seen. Rose. There's a lot of self help,
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: a lot of stuff, a lot of clickbaiting.
• 17:35
  Speaker 3: This was a small little op ed in the New
• 17:37
  Speaker 3: York Times is like midweek, So this is so cool.
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: I want to give him credit one more time. His
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: name is David Epstein, he's an author, but it was
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: a guest essay in the New York Times. The Nobel
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: winning psychologist who believed he found the secret to happiness Ropes.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: He quoted another psychologist in this article that put it
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: this way, and this is the one you can really
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: take with you quote. By investing in the choice you
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: made instead of focusing on what better option might come later,
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: A great deal of energy gets freed up for living
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: instead of being spent on wondering how to live.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, can you say that one more time?
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: Bro the ant? A great deal of energy gets freed
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: up for living instead of being spent on wondering how
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: to live?
• 18:24
  Speaker 3: You know what, God, I just got chills because something
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: that has always stuck with me. And I find myself
• 18:30
  Speaker 3: doing this as I think we all do, and I
• 18:32
  Speaker 3: remind myself stop saying what if, should have, could have?
• 18:37
  Speaker 3: If only those phrases in whatever form they take, will
• 18:42
  Speaker 3: cause you more harm than anything else, because it's silly.
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: You can't what good comes of that nothing. But somehow
• 18:51
  Speaker 3: we all ruminate and we start trying to see what
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: we could have done, what we should have done, And
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: it just makes you crazy. We are our own worst
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: enemies period.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: Hear me say that all the time when something goes
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: until I said, well I could I that could have,
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: would have, should have automia didn't, didn't.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: Let's move on, won't stop. Just just move.
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: On and let this go. But you were talking about
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: the dating and another good example, Robes, I just thought of.
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: But consider the dating apps. You swipe, Oh my gosh,
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: oh that guy looks great. I should check you know what,
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: Let me swipe might be something better. You keep swiping,
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: and you keep swiping. He's good, but next guy might
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: be better. Next guy might be better. You keep swiping,
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: You keep swiping, and keep swiping. So I will leave
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: you with this. In the article, they did quote the
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: sky a mathematician of all things named John Alan Paulos,
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: and he had an equation. He had a mathematical equation
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: for how you should date. And this Robes is going.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: It goes in line with what we've been talking about.
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: But he said, this is your best chance of finding
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: love and happiness. One estimate how many people you could
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: date in your lifetime. Now, if you think about that
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: as an adult, what would you just say? In general,
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: you're starting your adult dating at twenty one throughout until
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: I don't know, forty or or the next ten years.
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: You're no people you're going to actually date.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: So you're not you're not coupled ups. Like from like, how.
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: Many people do you think you generally would date throughout
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: your adult life.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: Without being in a serious relationship? Yeah, okay, Oh.
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: It could be a few months, it could be whatever
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: it is. But just somebody you're legitiminely dating.
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: I mean I would say, you know, an adult it does.
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: Okay, let's go with that number a doesn't you know
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: what that's a good number. Let's go with a dozen,
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: all right, So he says, find that number first, take
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: that number. Let's go at twelve. A third of that
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: would be what four people?
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: All right?
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: So now they say date a third of that number
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: with no intention of committing. So four people you're gonna
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: date and your door like, just date them, have no
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: intention of having a good time with the idea that
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: all you're doing is getting an idea of what you
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: like and what you don't like.
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: Wow, like to have no intention.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: Don't don't put that string you say it all the time, expectations.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: Right, oh yes, so don't put that on it.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: The goal at the end, I am just gonna date
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: these four people to see what I like and they
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: don't like. Now, after you get through that third, commit
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: to the very next person you like better than anyone
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: else you've dated. Wow, the very next person after those
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: first four that you date, And it could be two
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: down the road, five down the road, it could you
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: don't know. The very next person you date better than
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: everybody else you've dated, that's your one.
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: Because you've had a sample, you have a general idea
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: of what you like and what you don't like. And
• 21:54
  Speaker 3: so by that theory, they would never suggest that you
• 21:57
  Speaker 3: should just marry the first person you date. Oh no, God, no, see,
• 22:02
  Speaker 3: and that's what I did. I married my first boyfriend.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: They say, date the first four.
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: That is a problem, no matter what that feeling might
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: be on number one, who gives a damn already made
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: the decision. I am just dancing around these first four.
• 22:16
  Speaker 3: That's so interesting. And I do feel like it's like
• 22:19
  Speaker 3: I see younger folks doing this now.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: I think they've seen going around or.
• 22:23
  Speaker 3: Yes, like for instance, my daughter is my oldest is
• 22:26
  Speaker 3: Eve is what twenty three? Now we were both married
• 22:29
  Speaker 3: at twenty three. I married my first boyfriend her father.
• 22:32
  Speaker 3: But she, I think sees this, and I think a
• 22:35
  Speaker 3: lot of young folks see that is a cautionary tale.
• 22:38
  Speaker 3: We're not seeing kids get married. They are seeing what's
• 22:40
  Speaker 3: out there. The problem I worry about is they're always
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: going to be looking for that best or perfect person.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: I knew you were.
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: I knew you were going to take me exactly to
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: where I was gonna wrap up.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's my fear, right, And this.
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: Is the problem this mathematician, this is how he put it.
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: If you go too far past that person, you'll end
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: up with a worse option, or maybe no option at all. Yep,
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: because it's right there there it is.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: And you keep thinking you're going.
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: To get better because you already dated the first third.
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: You actually know what you'rek and you don't like. And
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: now as you continue to date, you find the person
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: that's better than everything else, that has all those things,
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: and you go ooof, maybe there's another.
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: Rum I could do better.
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: So the point I get it now from a mathematical standpoint,
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: you've got a good sample, so you know you've sampled.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: And that's the thing I think.
• 23:30
  Speaker 3: I look back and again, not about regret, but just
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: to learn and understand that's it. I didn't give myself
• 23:35
  Speaker 3: that opportunity or that time, and so I didn't know
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: what I liked, and I didn't know what I didn't like,
• 23:41
  Speaker 3: and I didn't know what I wanted.
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: So plenty of people will explain it that way. From uh,
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: I mean anecdotal evidence, from your friends you talked to,
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: from folks to the bar, from experience, from we understand
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: that this is a guy putting it in mathematical terms,
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: that the law of probability. You have figured out what
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: you like. Now you have enough experience to know the
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: next thing that comes. Oh, this work, you have the
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: confidence in knowing it. The problem is and this is
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: how we put it. Stop searching before you're out of options. Wow,
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: I'm telling you this thing blew my mind. Rose, It's fantastic.
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: What a great, great article. So many, so many applications.
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: Stop searching, and my favorite one robes that takes away
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: And I will leave this one because you know this
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: happens to us all the time. Looking for a movie
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: on Netflix. Looking for a movie not just on Netflix. Oh,
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: we have Amazon, we have HBO Max too, we have
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: Hulu over here as well. We got Stars, We've got
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: Prime video. We're trying to find a movie. How many
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: times do I say it to you?
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: Baby? Just stop? Just pick a movie. Just stop stop looking.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: What's happening. We spend too much time looking at for movies.
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: And it's taking away from the experience of enjoying a
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: movie with my fiance because we always that one looks good,
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: Maybe we could find it better. Ooh, that one looks
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: kind of cool. Maybe and you keep going and all
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: of a sudden, now you know what do you think?
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: Oh man, there's nothing on TV. Man, I'm bored. That's
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: what happens. Make a choice. Once you set a standard
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: for what's good enough for you, when you find it,
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: pick it and stick with it and move on.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: I love love, love love love. Sorry, that is amazing.
• 25:28
  Speaker 3: Well, we certainly hope it helps all of us actually
• 25:31
  Speaker 3: make better decisions, have better relationships, and free up time
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: for fun. Right, that's what it's all about. Enjoy your life,
• 25:40
  Speaker 3: all right? With that, everyone, we always appreciate you listening
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: to us. I made Robock alongside TJ.
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: Holmes. We'll talk to you soon.