Latest / Adventures in Adversity: an inspirational podcast / Ep. 59: Radically rooted - Adoptee Coach Julie Brumley, MA on adoption, trauma, & coming home to self

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Ep. 59: Radically rooted - Adoptee Coach Julie Brumley, MA on adoption, trauma, & coming home to self · Adventures in Adversity: an inspirational podcast

0:01
OK, see that this is a great start.
0:03
We're both laughing. I love it.
0:05
I'm not cutting this out, by the way.
0:06
Go. Go.
0:07
This is going to be the theme is like a lot of energy.
0:11
Seriously. So welcome back episode 59.
0:16
Yes, and I'm so like every single guest I meet, I just keep
0:21
thanking God. And we just talked about God,
0:23
Julie, before we hit record. And we're going to talk about
0:26
God now as well. So let me start this intro
0:29
episode 59 Adventures and Adversity.
0:32
This is an inspirational podcast for those of you who have
0:35
watched before. Thanks for coming back.
0:38
And for those of you who are new, you may or may not know
0:41
Julie. I am going to know her even
0:43
better in the next hour as you are as well.
0:46
Julie is a trauma informed adoptee coach, which we are
0:51
totally gonna unpack and talk about.
0:53
And first of all, Julie, I just wanted to say thank you for
0:56
joining. Thank you for having me.
0:58
I'm so glad I found you. I Let's do a shout out to Jim
1:01
Serrano because she's my. You know what episode 54 I've
1:07
talked about Jim, I think in the last four episodes, episode 54,
1:10
Jim Serrano Oh, episode 54 because Jim is also an adoptee.
1:15
Yes, Yep. And not only Jim.
1:19
You, you guys know each other because you've met at in person
1:22
adoptee events, right? Yes.
1:24
OK, amazing. So that I think the community,
1:29
the connection to gym, the being an adoptee, I just want to give
1:33
you the floor to introduce yourself and I think you are a
1:37
beautiful addition as a guest because in the last let's see
1:41
maybe six weeks, I have been warmly welcomed into the world
1:46
of adoptees. No, I'm serious adoptees
1:50
organization that help adoptees, people that our adoptees, people
1:55
that now coach adoptees like you, people that have written
1:58
books, people that are writing books.
1:59
So please, Julie, introduce yourself.
2:03
And again, I'm just gonna thank you 100 times for opening your
2:06
heart and coming on the podcast. Oh, gosh, of course.
2:09
Yeah. Quite honestly, it's
2:11
interesting. Even as we talked at the
2:13
beginning, I was saying how you should have all adoptees on this
2:16
podcast because we all have many adventures and adversity in our
2:20
lives. What's really interesting is I
2:23
didn't realize how much adoption as a concept, fact, whatever
2:30
impacted my life until really until about 5 years ago.
2:34
Now. It started coming out probably
2:39
in 2010. And that's because this story
2:42
I've told a couple of times, but it still gets me every time.
2:44
So I was getting my master's in counseling and part of that was
2:48
because I was raised by what I believe was an alcoholic father.
2:54
There's things that I have people to question that.
2:57
But he, he liked, he liked to drink.
3:00
And so he died when I was 15. So that was really the first
3:05
adversity that I knew of and experienced that was really,
3:08
really difficult. Thank you very much.
3:11
And I, I remember that and then marrying a husband who had
3:18
addiction problems that I think this is where I want to go.
3:23
I think this is the the direction that I want to go.
3:26
So that's why I got my master's was this heart help.
3:29
And my mom even told me when she adopted me, she said, I held you
3:33
and I knew you were going to change the world.
3:35
She was so sweet. I mean, she still is.
3:36
She's alive, the one that raised me.
3:39
That's literally this. I got chills through my body.
3:41
That's so sweet. The mother's love, right?
3:44
Oh my gosh. And what's interesting about it
3:46
is she owns me as her own. It's a little, you know, it's,
3:50
it's a little eerie sometimes. I'm like, OK, I got it.
3:53
You love me. You're like, mom, I have to go
3:56
now. I love you so much, but I have
3:58
to go. Yeah, yeah, it's so cute.
4:01
But all of that to say, I just, I knew that it was my passion
4:08
calling whatever to help. It's just what I was created to
4:11
do. So anyway, I'm at this intensive
4:16
class at Liberty University. That's where I got my degree, my
4:20
master's when I'm in this intensive class.
4:23
And somehow adoption came up. I have no memory because this
4:25
was back in 2010. So we're talking 15 years ago.
4:28
And is that right? Yeah, 15 years ago.
4:31
And I, I'm with this professor. She pulls me aside and she says
4:36
I'm a foster parent, which is interesting of what we just
4:39
talked about your friend that has the foundation or whatever.
4:42
Yeah. And yeah, she said literally to
4:45
my face, you need to deal with your adoption.
4:48
You have skeletons in your closet and you are going to harm
4:51
people if you don't. And I was like, huh, Literally,
4:54
I felt like my face had been physically slapped.
4:57
I didn't know how to respond to that.
4:58
I'm like, my adoption has not impacted me.
5:00
What are you even talking about that?
5:02
Did she know you were adopted? She did, yeah.
5:04
It came up. So that came up.
5:06
She pulled me aside. OK.
5:08
And but you were like, what are you talking about in account?
5:11
I'm earning my master, I'm good. I'm fine.
5:14
What do you even mean? OK, totally.
5:16
And she's a foster. Parent got, it got.
5:18
Her foster parent and had watched all of she saw trauma
5:21
come through her house. Oh.
5:22
That's exactly what, yes. OK.
5:25
But of course, at the time I had no idea, and this phrase bothers
5:31
people, but I had no idea that adoption was trauma.
5:34
I didn't know I didn't experience that.
5:36
But every time I say that, I get pushback from the societal
5:41
norms. Sure, right.
5:43
Well. What I say to that is, listen,
5:47
my adoption, me being adopted and the family that I lived
5:51
with, they were great. They loved me, you know.
5:54
Yeah, sure. As all families have stuff.
5:57
Of course they love me. They took care of me.
5:59
That's not the point that I'm making.
6:02
The point that I'm making when I say that adoption is trauma and
6:06
the reason why I felt so-called to do what I do is because I had
6:15
seven weeks of my life where I have 4 different caregivers, the
6:19
first seven weeks of my life. So I went from my mom's womb, my
6:23
birth mother's womb, where, and this is a big one, OK, where
6:27
she, you know this, I told you this, where she attempted to
6:30
abort me twice between weeks 12 and 16.
6:33
And the, the crazy thing about this is this was 1973.
6:37
So if you know any of the laws in our country, Roe V Wade
6:42
passed for the first time in January of 1973.
6:46
Three months later she attempted to abort me twice.
6:49
So you know. Yeah, no.
6:52
And and I'm so sorry that that that that is something that you
6:56
had to experience in having that.
7:00
I'm just sorry for that. You know what?
7:02
I. Mean.
7:02
I appreciate that it, but I think what I've learned is I
7:07
remember doing a listening prayer session before I that's
7:11
what it was called even before I understood what semantics was
7:16
like what the body was. This was years ago.
7:19
And I actually it wasn't that long ago.
7:22
It was probably in 2018. And I remember sitting there and
7:27
she asked me, where do you think Jesus was when you were being
7:31
aborted? And you know when when that was
7:34
being attempted? And I was like, Oh my gosh, I've
7:36
never even. Yeah.
7:37
And so I kind of, that was the beginning of me going there.
7:41
And I think he was there, but I don't really know.
7:46
And I had to. It was difficult for me to
7:48
actually allow that to materialize.
7:52
But he was there. Yeah.
7:56
Yeah. I mean, it just was it was just
7:57
really, it was really profound. And I remember thinking, OK, for
8:02
the longest time, that Scripture in Psalm 139, I would laugh at.
8:07
I'm not fearfully and wonderfully made.
8:08
She freaking attempted to abort me.
8:10
Like, that's where I would go. Like I was mad of.
8:13
Course, well, it doesn't feel that way when we're made in the
8:17
image of God and well, then you're kind of like, well, why
8:19
did that almost happen to me then?
8:20
Right. But then I went to this place,
8:23
obviously it was there was 2 both and and you'll notice with
8:26
adoptees, this is this is very true for us.
8:29
We hold two truths all the time that a lot of people don't like.
8:34
I can be grateful for the family that that raised me and still
8:39
grieve what I lost in the family that I didn't get.
8:44
You know, those things can coexist.
8:46
And I think what was really interesting for me in that
8:49
moment was I realized this sucks and God wanted me here.
8:53
There's a reason why I'm here. I don't want to waste what his
8:57
calling is for my life. And so it's really interesting
9:01
because at the time when I was getting my master's, it was to
9:04
help addictive behaviors we talked about early on.
9:07
And I did that for 10 years, loved it, enjoyed it.
9:11
You had, you had lived it, you had lived it and then you also
9:15
got so so you had lived it and then you also got the training
9:19
on how to deal with coach it. So you have the lived
9:22
experience, I have the education, and you have the
9:24
calling to help. Correct.
9:25
Yeah. Amazing.
9:27
Really. And it it was great.
9:29
I had groups that I've facilitated for years.
9:31
I still actually have residual of that.
9:34
But what ended up happening was in April of 23, so 2 1/2 years
9:42
ago, actually in California, which I I'm here now, but I was
9:47
living in Northern Virginia at the time and my ex husband's
9:52
brother's wife's mom. OK, hard to follow that fell and
10:00
she had dementia and the reason why I was even in California was
10:03
because I was helping the mother and the and and Greg, my
10:07
brother-in-law had just been diagnosed with cancer.
10:10
So it was she the wife could not be there for her mother because
10:16
she had to be there for her husband.
10:18
So Matt and I were talking, we were still married at the time
10:21
and he was like, this is something you're so good at.
10:23
Can you go help her? I'm like, yes, I can work from
10:25
wherever I will go. So I went, never really dealt
10:30
with, hung out with a person with dementia for that long.
10:34
It was intense and it's. With being with the child, you
10:37
have to really it's. Really, you have to not take
10:40
things personally. Yeah, yeah.
10:43
And so, but what was interesting is at the time, Matt and I were
10:47
not, we weren't doing well and I knew that.
10:50
And I was staying with my mother-in-law in her condo,
10:55
great relationship with her, still love her.
10:57
And I'm doing yoga in the morning, listening to a podcast.
11:02
And I literally felt this electricity go through my body.
11:07
I don't even know how to describe it other than that.
11:09
And I heard audibly in my head, Bree, this is what freaked me
11:14
out. You need to stop working with
11:17
addiction and start working with adoption.
11:19
And I literally sat up and was like, because I was probably
11:23
doing some breathing or something.
11:24
And I was like, what? I said it out loud because I
11:28
didn't even know. What does that even mean?
11:31
Start working with the doc. So this is 2023.
11:36
So to kind of give you a reason where that even came from.
11:40
Sure, 2020, as we all know the year.
11:43
From now, Yeah, crazy, right? Where everyone's life somehow
11:49
cataclysmically shift. Did.
11:51
I mean, seriously. And what was so interesting
11:53
about that year for me, so I had found my birth mother in 2010
11:56
when everything happened with my professor.
12:00
I went back because like I mentioned to you and you were
12:03
like, what's that? The Enneagram is an assessment
12:07
that you can do that helps you learn how to spiritually grow in
12:11
the way that you were designed to.
12:12
You need to do it I. Have to stop the podcast because
12:15
I'm going to go do it right now I'll.
12:17
Do it right now. I'll send you the links or we
12:19
can even put them in the show notes if you want.
12:22
For me, I'm a one, many gram one.
12:25
There's 9 numbers and I'm a one which is a perfectionist.
12:29
So if somebody tells me to do something, I'm going to
12:33
obediently do it. So I literally went back to I
12:36
was living in Maui, Hawaii at the time.
12:39
Bummer. Definitely in Hawaii.
12:42
And I found her my my ex helped me find her.
12:46
We talked on the phone. It was interesting this I was
12:50
literally in so many ways born out of adversity.
12:54
So. Gosh.
12:58
I every time I tell the story, I'm like, it's crazy so.
13:01
You're just such a bad before I even hear the story, I just want
13:03
to tell you that you're a badass, that's all.
13:06
And then after, I'll tell you again.
13:08
OK, well, I appreciate that. So I'm on the phone with her.
13:11
That's How I Met her. And the reason why this even
13:14
came to be was because that I had just read through paperwork
13:16
that the social worker had sent me from California to prepare
13:20
me. She said you need to read it
13:22
because it's gnarly. And I already explained to you
13:24
why it was gnarly. And so once I read that part of
13:28
the she attempted to abort me twice, I couldn't read anymore.
13:31
Wait, I, I get the chills even thinking about it right now.
13:34
My head felt the only way I can describe it is it fragmented
13:38
into pieces like glass. I felt it and I immediately had
13:42
a headache and I was like, and I actually feel it now, literally
13:46
right here. No, no, no, I appreciate I but
13:50
I'm that was the experience, right?
13:53
And I had to like, what am I going to do with this
13:57
information? No wonder I have felt the way
14:00
that I've felt my it like opened up a can right then that I
14:05
didn't know what to do with. Yes, but you knew to go through
14:10
that as a child, survive that even if you didn't know about
14:17
it, when you actually know about it and then you're it's it's
14:20
almost. Like my body held body.
14:22
Yeah, it absolutely knew. So after I find this out, I'm
14:25
having the conversation with her.
14:26
Obviously I'm not going to say so.
14:27
You attempted to abort me twice, not in my first conversation
14:30
with her, 'cause. That's you you're trying to
14:32
connect in some way maybe. Totally.
14:35
Well, let me tell you this, she wasn't the most healthy person
14:38
to connect with to be honest. And that severing that she did
14:43
early on in the womb, and I know she didn't sever it, but she
14:47
did. There is so much research that
14:50
talks about the cortisol that gets transferred to the baby and
14:53
that, you know, fetal alcohol syndrome and all of that stuff.
14:56
She was more than likely an alcoholic at the time.
14:59
She was more than likely using the 16 when she hitchhiked
15:04
literally from California on semi trucks to Colorado and
15:11
that's where she met my birth father.
15:14
They hooked up that night. He left the next morning to go
15:17
to work. He came back from work that
15:20
night and found her in bed with his two roommates and then
15:24
kicked her out. That's literally how I came to
15:27
be. I am Mamma Mia.
15:29
I need to do a reel about this and I haven't figured out how to
15:32
but literally she slept with three dudes and that's what she
15:34
told me. She goes.
15:35
It was the 70s. I slept with three guys
15:38
literally without missing a beat.
15:39
Would you like to hear about the night?
15:41
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to know how I was
15:44
conceived. No, thanks.
15:47
Not in this way. So yeah, it was, it was
15:51
interesting. And I met her that year.
15:52
My boys met her, my mom met her. I have 1/2 sister from her So.
15:59
But she died in 2020. So Fast forward, that was the
16:04
beginning of all the craziness. So I find out she's dying.
16:12
Months before that, I find out my father-in-law is dying of
16:15
lung cancer, who has been my dad for 25 years, because clearly my
16:20
dad died when I was 15. Right.
16:23
So this all happened. It felt like a spiral.
16:27
I just I don't even know what to do.
16:28
And then after that, I find out my aunt, my adopted aunt, my
16:31
mom's brother's wife is dying of a disease that is so rare they
16:37
don't know how to. I mean, I just.
16:39
You're just like. It's almost like.
16:41
How do I hold this? How did you hold it?
16:45
Do you remember Was it? By doing, by, by solving, by
16:53
showing up. So with my birth mom, what I
16:56
ended up doing was when I found out she was dying, my sister
16:59
called me to tell me that she was on life support.
17:01
She said, I just wanted you to know, you know, whatever.
17:04
And I hung up the phone and I thought, do I need to go?
17:08
I was in Northern Virginia. She was in Washington state.
17:10
I was already planning the trip to go help my uncle with my
17:14
aunt. He didn't even know I was going
17:15
to be doing it because he wouldn't want me to come during
17:18
COVID. But my mom was in her 70s and
17:20
was like, I can't, but somebody needs to go help him.
17:23
And of course, you're the helper.
17:25
You swoop. And wrap everybody.
17:27
Right. Exactly.
17:28
So I was trying to figure all of that out.
17:31
And so I I, you know, Matt actually said to me in a
17:34
conversation, he said, well, Julie, do you feel like she
17:37
needs you there? And I was like, I really don't
17:39
know. He said, well, why don't you
17:41
call the hospital? Because maybe they'll tell you
17:43
you can't go, you know, because it was code.
17:45
Sure, sure. Right.
17:47
So literally, Bree, I call the hospital and I tell them who I
17:51
am and they go, oh, we know who you are.
17:53
You can totally come. I'm like, what do you mean?
17:56
You know who I am? When I told them my mother, my
18:00
birth mother was Jen, they're like, Oh yeah, we've heard all
18:02
about you. You can absolutely come.
18:03
End of life is totally different.
18:06
OK, so weird. So then I get off the phone from
18:09
that. I'm like, do I go like who?
18:11
I feel I need it. What is your?
18:15
Soul. What is your soul need?
18:16
Yeah. My soul did not need it.
18:18
I had forgiven her at this point.
18:20
She and I had talked about it. We weren't really connected.
18:23
She wasn't the most safe person to be around.
18:25
But what I realized was, and honestly, you know who said this
18:30
was the person at the hospital? She said, well, would she want
18:34
you here? Yeah, she would.
18:37
So I made the trip and I made everything.
18:41
So I went. I was there with her for the 24
18:45
hours before she died. My sister came and was with her
18:48
when she actually died. And then literally, I think I
18:52
was in Seattle for another few days and flew to my aunt to say
18:55
this was me. This is how I dealt with
18:59
adversity. I did stuff.
19:01
There was no being with the emotion.
19:03
Seriously, none. And I think I left.
19:07
I went and quarantined in Hawaii for two weeks before and they
19:11
were crazy. They were militant calling me
19:12
everyday. Are you in your bed?
19:13
I'm like, yes, I'm here, chill out.
19:15
You're. Like I'm having a Mai Tai, just
19:17
give him a break. What am I going to do?
19:20
I can't go outside. Like it's just, it was so crazy.
19:24
So then I'm with my uncle and I realized this is when it all
19:27
the, the, you know what hit the fan?
19:30
I realized my husband and I are fully at an impasse.
19:33
We cannot move past whatever is my block, and I took it on as my
19:38
responsibility. It was all me.
19:39
Let's fix it. Sullivan of.
19:41
Course. So I was talking to a friend and
19:43
she said why don't you call the therapist that you had in
19:46
California who knows your story? And I'm like, well, she doesn't
19:49
know all the new stuff. She doesn't have a couple weeks
19:53
to catch up on it all. Right.
19:55
And actually it's a him. I don't know why I said she.
19:56
So I called him and told him everything and he literally,
20:00
without missing a beat, three he goes.
20:03
Holy crap, Julie, that's a lot you need and not kidding.
20:09
And then he goes, you need blank, blank and blank and in
20:12
that order. And I was like, yes, Sir, wrote
20:14
it down. Look.
20:15
You're obedient. Yeah, it's like wrote, you know,
20:18
and literally within seconds found an EMDR, he said.
20:21
You need to do EMDR again. Find an EMDR therapist that's
20:25
never found, one who was adoption competent, which that's
20:28
unheard of. Wow.
20:30
Just not so. That was a blessing.
20:32
Found her. Then he said you need to do
20:34
parts work. I think he said you need to do
20:36
work and then you need to do parts work.
20:38
He said all of that and I didn't even know.
20:40
I mean, I knew what somatics was because I was trained in the
20:43
fact that it was the body, but we were never trained in that at
20:46
all. So and we were never told that
20:49
adoption is trauma there because nobody knew that that wasn't
20:52
something that was communicated. So anyway, I'm sitting here
20:57
thinking I don't even know what can I've now opened this is a
21:01
whole new one that I'm going to have to step through.
21:04
I even talked to my my husband and at the time I don't know
21:08
what else to do. And he said I don't have
21:10
anything. I don't know what to tell you,
21:12
you know. So I get home and I realize I
21:14
have this unfinished business with my birth mother, do the
21:17
EMDR work. She tries the whole time to get
21:21
me to focus on my body and I can't.
21:24
I literally can't. She's like, where are you
21:25
feeling that your body in like my head?
21:27
She's like, oh, your babies don't feel in their head like
21:30
they where where are you? I couldn't.
21:33
It took me 9 months to basically graduate, which is funny that
21:38
it's nine months and I had a moment where I was able to
21:41
connect with my baby self. The time when I was taken from
21:44
my birth mother and put in the nursery, she told me to get a
21:47
pillow and I didn't know why. She said, trust me, you're going
21:50
to need it. And she moved me through what it
21:53
felt like to be that baby, to be with her.
21:56
I cried. I've never cried before.
21:59
I screamed into that pillow. It was so cathartic and painful
22:07
but so good. And at the end she said, I'm so
22:09
sorry. I said, don't you dare
22:10
apologize. You just did something and I had
22:15
the chills talking about that. I couldn't.
22:17
How could I have done that? First of all, I I still didn't
22:20
know how my body felt, but it was the first step into the fact
22:23
that I realized that baby held a lot and that baby was freaking
22:29
me. And so I knew at that point we
22:34
got a lot of work to do. And So what ended up happening,
22:37
I started having these weird flashbacks off and on during our
22:41
relationship when it came to intimacy.
22:44
One of the core issues for adoptees is their fear of of
22:48
deep love because they're going to leave you.
22:53
And that actually was confirmed for me, but.
22:55
You know what I mean? If I'm not an adoptee, but I
22:59
would think that would be the feeling that if anyone shows me
23:02
love, I don't want to lose it. Yeah, right.
23:05
Yeah. So, so then we will do something
23:08
to walk away first. Usually right, So you don't,
23:10
right? So it's on your terms at least,
23:12
right? Or or.
23:14
We will please and fawn and do whatever they need in order to
23:18
be loved and lose. Ourselves.
23:20
Ding, Ding, Ding. I just have the microphone.
23:23
Oh. My God.
23:25
You just hit me over the head with it.
23:26
I get it. You know, sometimes you need to
23:28
be hit in the head in life with you do.
23:29
You do. There you go.
23:31
Thank you. You're so.
23:32
OK, so the way that I described this, and I think I've talked
23:34
about it a couple of other times, but the way that I
23:36
describe it was let's say we were going to be intimate and
23:38
girl, I'm transparent. And I tell you something.
23:41
I'm I'm laying there and I freeze, literally paralyze and I
23:47
don't even know why, but I'm frozen.
23:50
Yeah. And he's like, what's going on?
23:52
And I'm like, I don't, I don't know.
23:54
I don't know. And it felt almost despair.
23:57
I have no words for you right now.
23:59
And what I I was not flash. There was no flashback to an
24:02
event. Yeah.
24:04
I don't have any events how I'm a seven week old baby.
24:08
I mean it. So that's where I went.
24:10
If I give myself to you this way, you're just going to leave
24:15
like everybody else did. I didn't know that's what was
24:19
happening you. Didn't know at the time.
24:21
That's why your body's freezing. Correct, but that's my whole
24:24
point of it was there the whole time and so it was my body
24:31
trying to communicate with me. You got to do something,
24:34
girlfriend there. There's something going on here
24:36
and it took a little bit of time.
24:38
So that was probably around 2021-2022 and Matt's dad died in
24:43
the end of 2020. 23andMe for Christmas because I wanted, not
24:48
because I was trying to find my dad.
24:50
At this point I didn't even know.
24:52
She told me he was dead. She didn't.
24:54
She slept with three freaking guys and she didn't even know
24:56
which one it was, so how would she know?
24:58
But I believed her because you know.
25:00
So I get the 23andMe results in January of 21 and it says I'm
25:06
52% Italian. What?
25:08
Which makes sense. You see me talking with Nancy.
25:11
I like, that's Irish and Italian too, you know?
25:13
Right. It was hilarious.
25:15
My husband was like, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
25:17
Yep, Yep, you. Know So what are you talking
25:22
about exactly and I found out that I had a sister and that
25:26
sister is who I connected with and basically, you know
25:29
initially her her husband was like Oh my gosh, she's probably
25:32
a gold digger I mean I don't know what he said and because
25:34
that's what people think about us like we're just seeking money
25:37
No, no, we're seeking connection to our biology we're seeking our
25:40
culture you're seeking to. Understand your story and like
25:45
that's I I hate that that people I'll think that that's awful.
25:48
Oh, it's so, so don't take anything from it.
25:51
I don't want to take anything from you.
25:52
I just listen, trust me I don't want anything, I just need some.
25:55
I just want you to know, first of all, I just want you to know
25:57
that I'm OK. I want you to know that I'm
26:00
healthy, but I also need to know what my medical history is
26:03
because I'm moving into life here and all I know is from 73
26:06
and before. That's ridiculous.
26:08
I have no access to any records beyond that.
26:12
It's just stupid so. Well, anyone who thinks that is
26:16
stupid, so I'm. Sorry I agree with you so.
26:19
So anyway she shows her husband to picture me my sister and he
26:23
goes oh holy crap call your dad like immediately Resemblance.
26:29
Yep, I look exactly like my 16 1/2 years younger sister.
26:33
Exactly. Face her.
26:36
Saying that must, that must. That's so cool, right?
26:38
You're like, yes, you know, it's I, I can imagine that must be
26:45
some link to something clicks. In some way there was A and then
26:49
OK, so the fragments that I mentioned that felt like glass.
26:53
Have you ever heard of Kitsugi? Not.
26:55
Kitsugi. KINTSUGI.
26:59
It's a Japanese art where they take beautiful vases things and
27:05
put them back together with gold.
27:07
Metal glue, yes, I've seen it with.
27:11
OK, Yeah, that's what was happening.
27:14
That's what it felt like. I felt like everything, the
27:16
puzzle pieces came together. My soul felt settled.
27:20
Cause for the first time, I actually, besides my children
27:23
obviously, I looked at my son and I knew he was mine.
27:25
I mean, they're not, of course, but that's different than having
27:29
a dad and sisters and brothers. I mean, my brother looks just
27:34
like my son and but I never and my son didn't look like the
27:38
Brumley family. One of them, the other one did,
27:41
right. So there was this as soon as we
27:44
met my dad, there was this at the end of it, Cole was my
27:47
oldest was so shocked. He was like, I'm going to have
27:50
hair because the Brumley family bald.
27:53
And then he goes and I think I've just seen myself in 40
27:57
years. It was I didn't realize.
28:00
I get the chills talking your. Sons are amazing.
28:03
They like. Gosh, are and they were so
28:05
unbelievably supported. They owned that Italian
28:08
heritage. They both have Italian flags in
28:10
their rooms now. It's hilarious.
28:11
Yeah, they're. Are they?
28:13
Are they? They must.
28:15
I'm getting the feeling that during this process your 20
28:18
something year old sons were almost helping their mom
28:22
through. They were.
28:23
They were guiding. You through.
28:25
Without even realizing that that's what they were doing.
28:28
You know what's really funny? Your dog just did something.
28:30
My dog is doing something right now and it's driving me nuts.
28:32
He's like licking everything. He does that.
28:35
His mind's barking. I think they're they're feeling
28:37
the. Oh my gosh, dogs are amazing.
28:39
My therapist had a therapy dog and that dog would feel my
28:43
emotion and would come up to the screen.
28:44
It was amazing. I mean I'm just like wow.
28:48
OK, so I'm trying to keep the story.
28:50
OK, so basically we're sitting there talking, it ends.
28:55
And at the time this was in 2021.
28:57
So Sutton was 17 or 18, my youngest and my oldest was 19.
29:04
Well, no, if it was 2021, then he was 20, who's 20.
29:08
And so it was, it was amazing. And what we realized was they
29:13
are half adopted, duh. They are half adopted half of
29:17
their lives. They don't know.
29:19
And so me finding this helped them find parts of themselves
29:24
too. And that's the reason why it
29:27
felt so like connecting for us. And my ex was unbelievably
29:32
supportive that year. That year was a really cool year
29:37
for me, but it was also a year where he began to detach.
29:40
And and here's the reason why is because I think he saw me
29:45
connecting in a way that I'd never connected before and he
29:50
felt that was meant for him. He didn't understand which
29:55
honestly, looking back, I can get why he felt that way, but at
29:59
this point isn't about him. And I think that well correct,
30:04
you know, but it's common. That is very common happened
30:08
adoptees in reunion and I felt I had no words to be able to
30:13
explain to him what I was experiencing because it was all
30:15
pre verbal. So what was happening to me
30:17
should have happened when I was a baby, but it all came and none
30:23
of us have been able to. I haven't heard anybody be able
30:25
to explain it well, because the way that it feels as if your
30:29
whole body is energetically charged when you're with these
30:33
people because you never held that space before.
30:37
So it is like you have a new boyfriend.
30:41
That's the only way. And it wasn't just with my dad,
30:43
it was with whenever my sisters protect me.
30:46
But that gets so excited I and I'm getting the chills talking
30:50
about it now. I had never experienced that
30:51
before. But then you have to think of
30:54
the other side of the coin. They hadn't.
30:55
They didn't know what to do. My dad didn't even know I
30:57
freaking existed. So to find out you have a
31:01
daughter who's older than all of your children, I mean, yeah, I'm
31:05
a year and a half older than the oldest sister.
31:09
It was definitely a shocker. And it took him, understandably,
31:13
24 hours to remember that night. And he called 23andMe and was
31:17
like, I just want to check on, not because he didn't want to
31:21
accept me, but he was just so floored.
31:23
Which wouldn't you be? But it sounds like after that 24
31:28
hours, it sounds like you guys have.
31:31
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We connected.
31:32
So that was the end of January of 2021.
31:34
We talked on the phone. He told Mariah, my sister, He
31:38
said this is a blessing. Let's welcome her into our
31:40
family. Now.
31:41
One of the things I would say that I would.
31:43
Do which was beautiful. Amazing what I would do.
31:46
Over again was not drink from a fire hose.
31:50
So basically I threw myself into them in so many ways.
31:55
That was not healthy for either of us.
31:57
It just wasn't. We needed to titrate ourselves
32:00
into each other's lives, and we didn't do that in the first year
32:03
because I pushed more than I probably should have, I've
32:06
learned. That is a that's.
32:08
What I would call adoptees. I'm so glad you said that
32:12
because I can imagine and if I'm trying to put myself, I would be
32:16
like I want to talk to you everyday and what vacations and
32:19
tell me everything and I and after you tell me everything,
32:22
tell me more. Let's make up for lost time so
32:25
that it's that can be a little detrimental, is what you're
32:28
saying? Or like hard to kind of.
32:30
Well, think about first of all, my my nervous system was so
32:36
overwhelmed at that point, I didn't know what to do with what
32:39
was happening within me because it I don't First of all, it
32:43
started to to get me clued into what was going on in my body.
32:47
That was the beginning of me going what is happening I
32:50
because I've never experienced those feelings before ever in my
32:53
then I think what it did was it ended up because of all of that
32:58
pushing Matt away, like I said, and 2022 comes around and I've
33:02
been in reunion with them. We spent Christmas together.
33:04
I mean we did every they did little interventions with me
33:07
trying to help me understand their family.
33:09
I mean, it was just it was it was a lot.
33:11
I said fire hose. Yeah, yeah.
33:14
And I had to. I wasn't even in the headspace
33:16
to think about what it was like for them because what I was
33:19
experiencing was just so heady hearty.
33:24
My whole body was freaking out. So now in our conversations, we
33:29
all go, wow, we should have slowed the roll and just taking
33:33
it in bite sized pieces versus that whole first year.
33:38
I saw them probably three times and I was in Northern Virginia
33:41
and they were in Utah. I mean, you know, I yeah, I was.
33:46
And then I, in 2022, I went again because my brothers, my
33:50
brothers, my dad's brother died. And I wanted to be there, you
33:54
know, for them. But that produced some stuff.
33:58
It was just, it was so it was just none of us knew how to
34:01
settle into this new relationship and none of us knew
34:04
how to be honest with each other.
34:05
Because for them there was this feeling of you don't, we don't
34:09
know if we'll ever be enough for you and we can't fix you.
34:13
But of course, I'm over here going, you're everything in so
34:16
many ways, but not in, I mean, God is everything.
34:19
But this is so new to me. But I don't expect you to fix
34:22
me. That's not what this is about.
34:24
It's almost like you both are want the best for each other.
34:27
How to. Yeah.
34:28
And it's so exciting. But then it's also there's so
34:30
much and it I'm sure it was activating the inner child in
34:35
you, the inner child in you. Like adult Julie, little Julie,
34:39
baby Julie, teenage Julie. I didn't know how to connect
34:43
with her yet. The only time I had was that
34:45
2020 period where I cried. That was the first time I'd ever
34:48
done that, so I knew and I was still going through therapy
34:52
during that 2021 time during reunion.
34:55
Then in 2022, I noticed there was a big shift in our
35:00
relationship and I don't know if this was when things were
35:05
happening or not with him and another woman.
35:07
I, I really don't know, but it felt that way and there was a
35:12
huge disconnect. And I had mentioned to him, I
35:15
think you need to get some trauma therapy.
35:17
So what ended up happening, and it's a long story and we don't
35:19
need to get into it, but what ended up happening was my
35:22
therapist ended up firing me in order to help him.
35:25
I mean, it was funny. She was like, you're here and
35:31
he's here. And until he gets here, we can't
35:33
really work on the marriage, right?
35:35
I was like, Oh my gosh. So when 2022 the the end of the
35:40
summer hit, I was a mess. Here I am helping people and I
35:44
don't even know what the hell is going on with me.
35:47
I I was not OK. My relationship with my husband
35:50
was not OK. I felt like a huge
35:51
disappointment. I was literally stuck in a shame
35:54
spiral. Brené Brown became my literal
35:56
best friend. Brene.
35:58
Yeah. Shame.
35:59
I'm serious. Yeah.
36:01
The fear of disconnection, right?
36:03
Yeah. Yep.
36:03
So from August to September full month, I literally listen to
36:09
every single one of her books because I was like, I don't know
36:10
what to do because I get home. It's a long story but I get home
36:14
from a camp where I served and where one of my sons is actually
36:17
working now and he said to me he had no empathy left for me.
36:20
Literally said those words and I was like, if you have no empathy
36:24
left with me, what are we even doing in a marriage?
36:26
I don't know how to move forward with that.
36:28
And so that's what started the spiral.
36:30
So I have to fix myself in order for us to wow.
36:33
So I finally got it in September after beginning parts work.
36:38
First time I ever delved into it.
36:40
So I started parts work and I started somatic work.
36:43
I went through a somatic coaching program that actually
36:46
taught me about the vagus nerve, taught me about the different
36:49
nerve bundles that go up the vagus nerve, what they mean, why
36:52
I was learning a whole new language and I was changing like
36:56
everything about me was becoming different and I was more
37:00
present. I wasn't doing, I was trying to
37:03
be. And so it was a whole new shift
37:07
for me in how I deal with adversity now.
37:11
I don't, I don't do I be. I just allow myself to hold
37:16
space for myself and that was the shift for me.
37:20
So once I was able to do those things and move through it and
37:25
understand he, he just, it was like, it was almost the whole
37:30
idea of one of my mentors says you call him up, you either call
37:34
him up or you call him out. And sadly, I think I ended up
37:37
calling him out. That say that again.
37:41
You either call him up or call him out.
37:44
This is Becky Astais is the coach that I work for and with
37:48
and I actually used to mentor her, but she is now one of my
37:51
somatic helpers that helps me learn.
37:53
And anyway, she's wonderful. We help each other.
37:55
She's one of my best friends. I love that saying.
37:58
Yeah, yeah. And that's I.
37:59
I figured you would be late. Oh my gosh, yeah.
38:03
Because if you. Have an opportunity when when
38:05
you expose a truth or share a truth, the person can rise to
38:09
the occasion of meeting you or working on themselves or you
38:13
call them out and bye. Yep.
38:16
So the reason why I was even bringing all that up was to lead
38:19
you to April of 23, so horrible fall.
38:23
There were horrible things. He he was not nice to me.
38:28
Let's just be honest, not nice to me.
38:29
So we get to 2023. I leave.
38:32
Go help his brother's wife's you're.
38:36
Off to help again. Off to help.
38:37
Mary Poppins is off to her next thing.
38:40
But it was also because I was learning how to be and I felt
38:44
like I need space from this relationship, right?
38:46
Yeah. Totally.
38:47
And that that space is what brought the download you need to
38:53
work with adoption. So that's really where it began
38:56
was in April of 2023, that lightning bolt.
38:59
I came home, I started a coaching program with a mentor
39:03
of mine, Kelly Brock. She's amazing, who helped me.
39:06
It was called Essence and it helped me hone in on what my
39:10
purpose wasn't just her. She also had another coach, Anna
39:13
Marie of Alaska. I want to say her name too,
39:15
because she was amazing, but they helped me hone in on that
39:18
calling and how, the how. But it was literally during the
39:22
separation, during the divorce, it was awful.
39:25
And they held that space for me in a way that allowed me to
39:28
learn how to turn. And I don't like this phrase,
39:31
but it's the truth. Turn my pain into purpose.
39:35
And that's what I ended up doing.
39:37
So that's how it began. And then in the end of 2023, I
39:41
started putting together. It was really interesting
39:44
because when all of the somatic stuff, when I learned it, I had
39:48
so much head knowledge 3. Right.
39:51
Yes, same. Yeah.
39:54
So recite the symptoms of depression and the top 10 coping
39:57
tools and where the this and the chemicals and the that and the
40:00
executive function all here though.
40:03
All neck up, all neck up. And this, my throat, my voice
40:08
was paralyzed because I didn't know how.
40:12
You're blowing my mind right now.
40:14
Sorry. Go.
40:15
Like everything you're saying is.
40:17
Yeah, I get it. Go keep going.
40:19
I know you get it. So I start the somatic work in
40:21
2022 and I probably right around the beginning of 2023, I felt
40:25
this. I don't know how to explain it,
40:27
but whoosh into my body where I was like, Oh my gosh, I feel
40:32
like I have all this. It's now here.
40:33
Now what do I do? It was here and I didn't know
40:35
what to do with it. My body began to process all of
40:40
it and that at the end of 2023, I was able to actually
40:43
digestibly put it into a program to be able to help adoptees.
40:48
Because what I had learned is after even those first few years
40:52
with my birth family, I had been expecting belonging to come from
40:55
them, right? If I find them, I will be fine.
41:00
My life good. Well, and it's no, it's no, I
41:05
don't know what it's. I'm not saying bad things about
41:07
them, but I had to realize I was putting way too much on them.
41:11
They can't do. Nobody can do that.
41:13
For you no one. Can except God?
41:15
God, exactly. Exactly.
41:18
And so this question really, really helped me during that
41:21
time. It was if I only belong to
41:23
myself and to God, what would I want for my life?
41:27
When I was going through the separation and divorce and I
41:31
start with that question, it was one of the hardest things I've
41:33
ever had to do. And I tell people to do this and
41:34
they think I'm a crazy person. They're like, I have tried to
41:37
sit for 5 minutes and I can't do it.
41:38
I'm like, girl, you need to practice this.
41:43
Stillness is going to save your freaking life so that you can
41:47
allow yourself to receive from God or your higher power or the
41:51
universe, whatever you call it. It's God for me.
41:53
Just saying. So I did that straight for 10
41:56
days and I actually set a timer for 15 minutes, 20, I increased
42:00
it. And I would sit in stillness so
42:03
stinking hard for me to do with no music, with silence.
42:08
And I would repeat that question, If I only belong to
42:11
myself and to you, God, what would I want for my life?
42:14
And I just listen. And I'm telling you, girl, I
42:16
still have. The journal is sitting right
42:18
next to me. All this stuff.
42:19
Yep, All through my crown came down, I wrote it all down.
42:25
All of it. That's how I feel it through the
42:28
here when I sit. And then you get the yes, and
42:30
then you get the answers. And sometimes they're not the
42:33
ones you might not want to hear. Nope, no.
42:35
Never in a mean way, but it'll be.
42:37
That's not good for you. Yes.
42:41
Sorry, I'm just. I totally know what you're
42:43
saying because this is the thing.
42:44
There's a lot of different ways that we receive messages.
42:47
For me, and it sounds like for you, I am what's called
42:49
clairaudient, I can hear an audible voice in my head.
42:54
It's in. Yeah, it's weird.
42:58
Was that me? Or that was pretty.
42:59
That was a good one. That could have been me, right?
43:01
It can be. So that's what was happening.
43:05
I was receiving from God and that's how I began to realize my
43:09
belonging. I have been searching for so
43:11
long for belonging from other people, from outside myself,
43:15
when really it's been within me all along.
43:18
My worth gives me the chills talking about it again, my worth
43:22
does not come from anyone else, it comes from within me.
43:25
And man, let me just bring in the I.
43:29
It was an adventure and adversity for me to realize.
43:32
Just saying, yeah, that it was inside of me and it was inside
43:36
of me from the time I was freaking in the womb.
43:38
And so all of that to say, that's how I got to where I am.
43:43
That's how I created this seven phase program that I've worked
43:47
through. Didn't even realize that's what
43:49
I was doing. And it's so funny because some
43:50
of my clients will ask me, which I think is hilarious, actually
43:54
use these tools like I created them.
43:57
Yes, I used them. On a like basis you're like,
44:00
Nope, never tried them. How do you What do you think?
44:03
I just thought that was such a funny question.
44:05
Yeah, I wouldn't have been able to offer it if I didn't actually
44:08
know how to do it, you know? You know what?
44:11
You probably got them in the downloads when you were quiet.
44:16
Yes, that is yes, that's when they freaking come.
44:19
It's weird. Well, and what's really
44:22
interesting is I've I've so when I work with adoptees and even
44:26
with myself in situations that are still really gentle because
44:30
currently right now I'm I'm a year and 10 months out of
44:33
divorce and there is a there was a ton of grief that I dealt with
44:37
in the last year and 10 months heavy, heavy 28 years of it that
44:41
I was carrying. I was married to the man for a
44:42
long time and I had to move from a house.
44:45
I had to go through things. He wasn't living there.
44:47
So I had to go through stuff that brought up all these
44:49
memory. I mean, I was, you name it, I'm
44:52
just sobbing on the floor weekend after weekend trying to
44:55
get through all this because I had to, because I was moving and
44:59
I needed to move. I needed to get out of that
45:01
space because it felt oppressive to me.
45:04
Oh yeah. The physical space, man, it's so
45:06
important, right? Yeah.
45:07
Our environment matters and so getting here has freed me up
45:11
more than I have ever been freed to be able to energetically
45:16
receive what I need to. And what I realized this last
45:18
weekend, I had a girls weekend with my friends, which you saw.
45:21
I don't want to be there probably.
45:23
When can you come? Maybe I will.
45:25
Be extra great. At this point, I think we might
45:28
be friends. No, I think we already are.
45:30
No what ended up happening And I know I need to shut up.
45:34
I've been talking. No, you don't at all.
45:35
This is I'm going to cry after the episode, so it's.
45:38
Fine. Oh, you're a sweetheart.
45:41
So I'm sitting in the chair that's over here in this living
45:43
area after my girlfriends are like Julie, you have got to
45:48
realize that you don't have control over what happens in
45:51
your boys lives and this new woman that is in your ex
45:54
husband's life. You really don't.
45:55
If they were two and four or four and six or whatever, you
45:59
would. But they're 22 and 20.
46:01
And I think what I had, this was the one thing I was holding on
46:04
to was I need to have a relationship with her in order
46:09
for me to know how she's in putting into my children.
46:13
Right, that would seem logical. The name is logical, but my
46:16
friends were like Julie. You don't need to have her think
46:19
about it. Yeah, why not?
46:22
Exactly. But it took me and honestly, I
46:25
got pissed at them. I'm like, you don't know what
46:27
you're talking about. You've never been through what
46:29
I've been through. You don't know how painful it
46:31
is. Shut up.
46:31
I mean, I didn't say it that way, but I was like.
46:34
Good friends because they're like, hey, we're just going to
46:36
give it to you real and we're just going to have talk.
46:38
Right. And they did and I needed it and
46:41
it took about 45 minutes for them to get through my fixed
46:44
skull because I'm freaking stubborn for me to realize.
46:47
And how they got through to me was you haven't gotten angry,
46:51
which it's true. I, I've had moments of pockets
46:54
of anger. I mean, my, my oldest says it so
46:57
well. He's like, you are the one that
46:59
was wronged. You are the one that I'm
47:01
defending. I don't care.
47:02
And this is your fault. He just and he feels it and I'm
47:05
just OK, I'll just it's OK, Be compassionate and good.
47:10
So we're sitting there talking and one of my friends goes I
47:14
think it was actually his sister-in-law is one of my best
47:17
friends. She was here and or his.
47:18
Sister my. Sister-in-law.
47:20
Oh wow. Oh yeah.
47:23
Oh yeah. I mean, they still obviously
47:25
have a relationship, but she's like she.
47:27
Thinks for herself. Obviously she's she does.
47:29
So she said to me, she goes, Julie, do you know every single
47:34
person that your children know? And I was like, no, where are
47:39
you going with this, Gretchen? Damn it.
47:42
And she was like, you have communicated to me, and I've
47:44
heard you say it multiple times, you need to have a relationship
47:48
with her in order for you to know how she.
47:50
And I was like, like, it just dawned on me, I don't need that.
47:54
Why do I feel like I need that? And then I got mad and I
47:58
realized and I started cursing. Yeah, it's fine.
48:01
And I was like, she doesn't deserve a relationship with my
48:06
children. I don't want her to have a
48:08
relationship with my children. What if she's more fun than I
48:10
am? All of this stress started.
48:12
It all had to come out, right? It all had to come out.
48:15
So after they left, it was this whole new layer of grief that
48:19
I'm dealing with right now. It's just a whole new step.
48:21
Like I'm, I've been divorced for 10 months, but now I have to
48:24
grieve a family fracture. The fact that we want, that's
48:28
what bothered me. I'm not, I have to share them
48:31
for freaking holidays now and they're not even married.
48:33
I'm so mad about that. That makes me mad.
48:36
I don't want to do that. If we were still together, which
48:39
I don't think we should be, but if we were, we would be spending
48:43
holidays together. So or we would be going on the
48:45
birthday trip together that they went on, you know, so it's just
48:49
so there's that you're allowed. To be mad.
48:51
Here's the thing. If you were to be I'm not mad,
48:53
I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm I'm not mad.
48:55
I'm actually not mad. I'm fine.
48:56
That that you can be mad. What do you do with that?
49:01
Right, exactly. After you feel it and then it
49:04
calms down, you go, OK, now what?
49:07
Well, and that's kind of what happened on Sunday.
49:08
So after they all left, I allowed the anger to surface.
49:11
I literally, I do this technique called the letting go technique.
49:15
It's by. God, I need it.
49:17
Yeah, really good. But is it Bob Proctor I think is
49:21
who came up with it. I don't know if you've heard of
49:24
him. He does a lot of subconscious
49:26
reprogramming, like NLP stuff, but I don't know if it was NLP,
49:29
started working on it. But the letting go technique is
49:32
basically allow yourself to become aware of the feeling.
49:35
It's very simple, but it's very hard.
49:38
So I sat over there in that chair and allowed it to surface.
49:41
There was anger, there was sadness.
49:43
I held space for my 50 year old self because what I realized was
49:48
that was the self that was feeling so wronged and so hurt
49:52
and so abandoned and so rejected all those things.
49:55
And what's interesting is where I went back to was another girls
49:58
trip for my 50th birthday with all those same people where I
50:02
was sobbing my eyes out about the fact that he had literally
50:06
just left. He walked out of the house with
50:08
a duffel bag and never came back.
50:10
But I didn't even know where he was at this point.
50:13
And so, so I was feeling so much.
50:15
So I went back and I held that space for her.
50:18
I grieved it. She held my hand.
50:20
We were able to, it's going to sound woo woo, but we
50:23
integrated, which I didn't know if that would happen.
50:26
But she decided she wanted to be with me because she wanted me to
50:29
hold that grief so that I can. That layer was now done and I
50:32
could focus on the new one. So that's what I needed to do.
50:36
It took me 3 hours, Bree. Now, I don't say that this will
50:41
happen. It'll take that long for
50:42
everyone because it doesn't. Emotion usually takes about 20
50:45
minutes to move through you, or 90 seconds.
50:48
It's 90 to wow. I've heard that that it can pass
50:50
90 to be processed right? Like correct?
50:53
Yes. Yeah.
50:54
And that's usually specifically, yeah, some people, that's when
50:58
people push it down. That's when you want to kind of
51:00
feel it, right? Yes, that's exactly right.
51:02
So it's the become aware of it, allow it to show up.
51:06
Now the whole thing. You can't do this when you're at
51:07
work and you notice it. Hold on, boss.
51:09
Exactly. I don't want to punch you in the
51:13
face. Hold on.
51:14
Like, metaphorically. When I work with it, I don't
51:16
have to put a pin in it and know that you're going to return.
51:20
You cannot. You cannot bear it and.
51:24
So we'll deal with it later in the afternoon maybe.
51:26
Correct. So that's what happens.
51:28
I knew that night before when they were going at me that this
51:31
is something I have to deal with.
51:33
And so I knew what I had to do. I sat there, I became aware of
51:36
it, let it come up. So one is become aware, 2 is let
51:40
it come up. Let it.
51:43
OK. Because we will do everything in
51:45
our power to be like, I don't want to feel it because it
51:47
freaking hurts. It is so painful.
51:49
The pain that I was feeling was like just what I described with
51:53
my baby self when I was crying. It was.
51:55
Literal like like like like pain in your deep soul.
52:00
Yes. And so it came up.
52:02
Then the third thing is you stay with it.
52:04
You let it do what it needs to do.
52:06
Those waves, they're there are frequencies that live within
52:11
those emotions that if we don't release them, we won't have
52:14
space for anything else. That was my issue.
52:17
I didn't know and I needed to let it go.
52:19
And then the fourth thing is you let it run its course and then
52:22
allow your body to do what it needs to do after.
52:25
Maybe it's get up and stomp. Maybe it's scream into a pillow.
52:29
Maybe it's go for a run. Maybe it's you just need to sit
52:32
there and allow yourself to hug yourself.
52:35
You know the whole somatic containment or or butterfly
52:39
tapping, all that stuff, right? Just.
52:41
Yeah, even just like this, right?
52:43
It's. Just yeah, it's or even on your
52:45
thighs, like especially if there's safety that's been
52:49
threatened, you want to do it below because that's where the
52:53
root is. So you want to do it below the
52:55
root chakra. So anyway.
52:57
Amazing. That's the full circle of what
52:59
where I'm at now, and I'm not saying I've arrived.
53:02
There are days where I'm like, man, I feel like I'm just
53:04
spinning my wheels. I'm working freaking three jobs
53:07
to try and, you know, build this new business that I'm trying to
53:11
create. So it's a lot, but I'm you.
53:14
OK, this is, you're just, yeah, I I agree with what your mom
53:21
said when she held you, that you're honestly, because your
53:25
understanding having been through such adversity from the
53:30
very minute as a baby and then fighting through that and then
53:35
all the life events and then now giving all of that lived
53:40
experience and you're trained professional experience and
53:44
pouring back out. I mean, having a coach, if
53:49
you're an adoptee listening to this, how wonderful is it to not
53:53
have to explain what it feels like to be an adoptee?
53:56
Oh totally, girl, you did it. It drives us bonkers 'cause
54:01
you'll try to explain it to somebody and their eyes roll up
54:03
'cause they don't get it. And you can't get it right
54:06
unless you're adopted. Exactly.
54:08
And you don't want them? I don't want them.
54:11
I don't. Want I really want you to feel
54:13
this feeling that sucks. No, but guess what?
54:16
When someone else I can imagine if I was an adoptee and I even
54:20
if I'm in a cafe and I look across and someone was like,
54:23
hey, I'm an adoptee. I'd be like what's up coffee on
54:27
the like Italy love you. Let's talk.
54:30
Maybe we won't hang out, but I want to talk to you now because
54:33
you have a you're my boy. You have a common shared
54:36
experience that Jim was saying or Wilson Wilson was on a
54:42
doorstep in China. Jim moved through orphanages in
54:45
San Jose. I'm like there is AI mean it's
54:51
just I as someone who is getting to know adoptees and your story
54:55
deeply, I feel this calling to help your community of adopt.
55:01
I don't know what it is, but I I feel the authenticity is just so
55:06
awesome and authenticity is everything.
55:08
Yeah, and adoptees, would you say that it's almost like you're
55:12
stripped down. You're so authentic because what
55:15
else you're going to be? You've been through everything,
55:17
right? Yeah, I think.
55:19
And we have to find our authenticity.
55:21
And I think Jim, Jim has gotten to that place where he's found
55:24
it too. But it's, I'm working with
55:26
adoptees right now that are really at the beginning of this
55:28
understanding. And what we call it is the fog,
55:31
fear, obligation and guilt. There's that that we hold and we
55:35
feel we need to keep it there so that everybody else can be
55:38
happy. But what about us?
55:39
We need to remove that veil in order for us to begin to feel
55:43
the loss that we experienced, the rejection, the shame, the
55:46
guilt, the identity struggles that we have.
55:49
And then when I talk about the intimacy stuff, and you know,
55:52
for me, I think the end game and what I try to help adoptees get
55:57
to is surrender, but in a way that's not weak or I don't know
56:03
how to describe it other than go ahead.
56:06
What were you going to? I've heard a term and tell me if
56:09
from Tara Brock called Radical acceptance.
56:11
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Radical self acceptance.
56:13
Yep, Yep, Yep. I love Tara Brock.
56:14
That is one of the. So my phases go through
56:18
self-awareness, self acceptance, self compassion, self
56:24
responsibility, self transformation, self love, then
56:27
self belonging. So you move along that
56:30
continuum. But here's the thing, it's not
56:32
linear. You're constantly in layers,
56:34
almost cycling through those once you uncover there's a new
56:39
one. Correct.
56:40
Yeah. And so part of that is learning
56:43
how you you have to learn how to accept yourself, but you also
56:47
have to learn how to hold the shame.
56:48
Not in a way. And this is what's really
56:50
difficult because we hate shame, right?
56:53
But everybody has that part. Everybody has shame.
56:57
That they need to learn to love. And that's part of the work that
57:02
we do in there. We don't exile our parts.
57:04
We learn how to accept our parts and show them compassion.
57:10
Yeah, and I am, I'm literally everything you say is turning
57:13
into a clip that I'm going to post a clip, clip, clip, clip,
57:15
clip, clip, clip. I'm looking at your your your
57:18
store links just because I want to make sure people know what
57:23
you offer. It looks like you've got
57:26
obviously you're a trauma informed adoptee coach.
57:28
All of this is going to be in the show notes, but I just want
57:30
to brag about you for a second. So you've got reveal the
57:34
noticing, practice where what arises.
57:37
You've got videos you can watch, you've got a free processing
57:40
emotions exercise, You've got the Resilience project.
57:45
Facebook group that's free. Amazing you can have a 30 minute
57:50
consult with you, be seen and heard you you have a coming home
57:54
to self website. I'm not done yet.
57:56
We got let's see the pathway to self belonging for adoptees,
58:00
self discovery for adoptees identity workshop.
58:03
This is Christmas morning for adoptees.
58:07
OK, I'm sorry, but it is and it might just be for anybody who's
58:12
searching for themselves, right? But I feel I want to, if
58:16
someone's listening to this and they're like, wow, I'm an adopt
58:18
D or I didn't, maybe maybe I should look into this.
58:21
There's programs and tools and groups.
58:24
You don't have to do this on your own on the Internet.
58:27
No you don't. And then some of them are
58:30
self-paced because I've found the first two that you describe,
58:32
Revelation the self. Discovery 1 is a self-paced 1
58:35
and Restoring Self is a self-paced one.
58:37
OK, but. Community to connect with.
58:41
Yes. And they they can be a part of
58:43
the resilience project. And then the other thing is with
58:45
both of those they get a session.
58:47
I will work with them with the second one they get to 1 at the
58:51
beginning, one at the end. Now Revolution is the one that's
58:55
a whole other website because or not website that is the seven
58:59
month program that I just mentioned.
59:02
All of them work through the phases, but they build.
59:05
It's that whole idea of we're titrating up that ladder to help
59:09
their nervous system become familiar.
59:12
Yeah, so beautiful, Julie, Seriously, I, I, I know.
59:15
And gosh, I say this every time, like every guest, maybe this one
59:18
will, who knows how this one's going to go.
59:20
And every time I'm like, OK, I need to have you back.
59:22
Oh my gosh. We're, we're coming up on an
59:25
just over an hour here and I never stopped talking.
59:27
So I want to first of all remind you that everything, all the
59:32
resources, Julie, that you offer, I'm going to put in the
59:35
show notes, all your links, all your programs, Instagram,
59:40
Facebook community for any adoptees.
59:43
Now, do you work with a certain age of adoptees?
59:46
Well, right now it's ranging from 1920s.
59:50
I have a couple of young people that I'm working with to all the
59:53
way up to 60s so so. That's so cool.
59:57
Yeah, it just depends on where the Yeah, it depends on where
1:00:01
they're at in their awareness. I'm not going to try and smack
1:00:03
them across the face like. You know, professor, did I try
1:00:07
to help them gently come into awareness of what's?
1:00:09
Yeah, got it. So cool.
1:00:12
You know, I feel you know what might be amazing and this is
1:00:15
coming. This is like OK, I just got a.
1:00:17
Download, download. I got it while I was talking,
1:00:20
though, which usually, you know, God's like with these two, we
1:00:23
just got to download while they're talking.
1:00:25
What if one day you, Wilson, Jim and me, we could do a panel?
1:00:30
I would love it. I do it.
1:00:32
I'm just trying things. I don't know what I'm doing, but
1:00:34
I would love more groups, discussions, talks about
1:00:37
specific topics. We'll all meet in person for my
1:00:40
big dream event one day. I got to put a pin in that and
1:00:43
go back to it. But I just wanted to thank you
1:00:48
first for sharing your story as a human being, as an adoptee, as
1:00:53
a counselor, as now I'm gonna go ahead and call you the leader in
1:00:57
the adoptee community, someone who's helping everybody heal.
1:01:00
Thank you. I want to commend your, your
1:01:03
family who raised you and, and you're a beautiful woman.
1:01:08
And as a fellow believer, you know, I keep getting connected
1:01:13
with people who are no God and I just, I'm just so grateful to
1:01:18
know you that way as well. Me too.
1:01:20
Honored. Really.
1:01:22
Yeah. What a perfect podcast for when
1:01:24
I saw the name. I'm like, Oh my gosh, I need to
1:01:27
connect with this woman. Oh well.
1:01:30
I'm God gave me that name in a download and I was like, what
1:01:34
the hell is this cool? How do I do it?
1:01:37
Oh, and then like 10 times like enemy would be like, you can't
1:01:40
do it, you're dumb. And I'm like, right, I want to
1:01:42
do it though. Yeah.
1:01:44
And you're doing the thing, girl.
1:01:45
You are doing the thing. Hey, we're doing the things and
1:01:49
I can't wait to publish this and thank you so much and I can't
1:01:53
wait to just be connected to you now.
1:01:56
Me too forever. You aren't getting ready.
1:01:59
All right, well, we are going to sign off episode 59 coming to
1:02:04
you from Adventures in Adversity.
1:02:06
All right, we'll, we'll see you soon.
1:02:08
Thank you.