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Transcript

Breaking The Invisibility Cycle After 50: Be Seen. Be Heard · Create The Best Me

• 0:00
  I wanna describe a moment and I want you to tell me if you have been there.
• 0:06
  You are standing at the counter waiting for service.
• 0:09
  You've been there for about five minutes.
• 0:11
  You are holding your wallet.
• 0:14
  You're ready.
• 0:15
  A young woman walks up next to you.
• 0:17
  She hasn't been waiting.
• 0:18
  She just got there.
• 0:20
  The clerk looks up, looks right past you, smiles at her and says, can I help you?
• 0:27
  And in that split second, you feel it.
• 0:30
  It's not just annoyance, it's a shock.
• 0:33
  You wanna wave your hands and scream, hello, I'm standing right here.
• 0:38
  Am I a ghost?
• 0:40
  Do I not exist?
• 0:42
  Welcome to the "Invisibility Cloak." Somewhere around 45 or 50 many of us feel like society hands us this cloak without asking.
• 0:54
  One day we are seen, admired, and me catcalled and the next day you became part of the furniture.
• 1:03
  It hurts.
• 1:04
  And the worst part is we feel guilty for admitting that it hurts.
• 1:10
  We tell ourselves I shouldn't care about attention.
• 1:13
  That's vanity.
• 1:15
  I'm a grown woman.
• 1:17
  But today I am giving you permission to care.
• 1:20
  Because feeling invisible isn't about vanity.
• 1:23
  It's about relevance.
• 1:24
  It's about connection.
• 1:26
  It is about respect.
• 1:28
  Did you know that on this show we talk about the reality of midlife, not the Hallmark version.
• 1:35
  In this episode, we are going to rip off that invisibility cloak.
• 1:39
  I'm going to explain exactly why this happens and it's not in your head, and I'm going to give you my three step invisibility toolkit to make sure you'll never feel like a ghost in your life again.
• 1:54
  First, let's do a reality check.
• 1:56
  You are not imagining this psychologists and sociologists actually have a term for this.
• 2:03
  It is called Gendered Ageism.
• 2:05
  Here's the brutal truth about how our culture operates.
• 2:09
  For men, aging is often seen as an upgrade.
• 2:13
  They are distinguished.
• 2:14
  They get "silver fox" status.
• 2:17
  Their wrinkles are seen as signs of wisdom and authority.
• 2:21
  When a man walks into a boardroom at 60, people assume he is the boss.
• 2:28
  For a woman, our culture values have historically been tied to two things, fertility and beauty.
• 2:35
  When we are young, society stares at us.
• 2:38
  We are marketed to.
• 2:40
  We are the main character.
• 2:43
  But biology changes, menopause hits.
• 2:46
  We can no longer have children and our skin changes.
• 2:50
  And because our shallow culture doesn't know what to do with a woman who isn't a mother or a maiden, it simply looks away.
• 3:01
  If you watched movies or TV shows, look at the background extras.
• 3:06
  You'll see young women everywhere.
• 3:09
  You'll see older men, but women over the age of 50, unless they're playing a grumpy grandma or a witch, they're missing.
• 3:20
  So when you feel ignored by that clerk or being overlooked in a meeting, it is not because you're boring.
• 3:29
  It is not because you aren't worthy.
• 3:31
  It is because you are living in a culture that literally has a blind spot for the most powerful demographic on earth: The Wise Women.
• 3:41
  I need you to hear this: Their blindness is not your defect.
• 3:46
  I need you to hear this: Just because they don't see you doesn't mean you aren't there.
• 3:50
  I need you to hear this: But... and This is the hard part.
• 3:53
  I need you to hear this: We sometimes help them ignore us.
• 3:57
  I need you to hear this: There is an external reason society, but there is also an internal reason, and this is the one we can control.
• 4:06
  I need you to hear this: I call this The Shrinkage Habit.
• 4:09
  I need you to hear this: Think about the last 20, 30 years of your life.
• 4:13
  I need you to hear this: If you were raising kids or climbing the corporate ladder or managing a household, you were probably trained to be the peacemaker.
• 4:22
  I need you to hear this: You learn to make sure everyone else is fed before you sit down.
• 4:27
  I need you to hear this: Quiet your voice so that you don't seem bossy.
• 4:31
  I need you to hear this: Make yourself small so you don't take up too much space in the room.
• 4:36
  I need you to hear this: We've spent decades putting everyone else in the spotlight.
• 4:40
  I need you to hear this: " Look at my kid!" "Look at my husband's promotion!" "Look at this meal I made!" We've got so good at being the stage crew that we forgot how to be the leading actor.
• 4:53
  I need you to hear this: Now in our fifties, the kids might be gone, the job might be changing.
• 4:58
  I need you to hear this: The spotlight is available, but we are still standing in the shadows out of habit.
• 5:08
  I need you to hear this: We dressed to hide the belly.
• 5:11
  I need you to hear this: I talked about belly fat a few episodes back, and I will make sure to include a link for you.
• 5:17
  I need you to hear this: We stop wearing bright colors because it's too much.
• 5:21
  I need you to hear this: We stop speaking up in meetings because young people know more about technology.
• 5:28
  I need you to hear this: We are collaborating with our own invisibility, and that needs to stop today.
• 5:36
  I need you to hear this: Hmm, something feels a little different.
• 5:41
  I need you to hear this: Did you notice something different?
• 5:44
  I need you to hear this: Well, I just changed.
• 5:46
  I need you to hear this: I put on a bright red shirt.
• 5:50
  I need you to hear this: Put some lipstick on, or lip stain.
• 5:52
  I need you to hear this: I put a little bit of mascara.
• 5:55
  I need you to hear this: Why?
• 5:55
  I need you to hear this: Because I wanted to interrupt your patterns.
• 5:58
  I need you to hear this: For the first half of this video, I was blending in.
• 6:02
  I need you to hear this: Now I'm demanding your eyes.
• 6:06
  This is the first rule of visibility: You have to signal that you want to be seen.
• 6:12
  This is the first rule of visibility: You cannot wait for the world to come and find you in the dark.
• 6:17
  This is the first rule of visibility: You have to turn on the light.
• 6:20
  This is the first rule of visibility: Let's get into the practical details.
• 6:22
  This is the first rule of visibility: Here is my visibility toolkit.
• 6:25
  This is the first rule of visibility: Three tiny changes you can make tomorrow to help the world know you are present.
• 6:32
  This is the first rule of visibility: Strategy number one, take up space.
• 6:35
  This is the first rule of visibility: I want you to check your body right now.
• 6:39
  This is the first rule of visibility: If you're watching this, are your legs cross tight?
• 6:44
  This is the first rule of visibility: Are your arms folded together across your chest?
• 6:48
  This is the first rule of visibility: Are your shoulders hunched over?
• 6:51
  This is the first rule of visibility: You are physically shrinking.
• 6:54
  This is the first rule of visibility: Body language experts tells us that when we feel insecure, we protect our vital organs, we curl in.
• 7:03
  This is the first rule of visibility: When you walk into a room or a restaurant or a party, I want you to uncross.
• 7:10
  This is the first rule of visibility: Stand tall.
• 7:12
  This is the first rule of visibility: Put your feet width hip apart.
• 7:15
  This is the first rule of visibility: Put your hands on the table, not on your laps.
• 7:19
  This is the first rule of visibility: When you physically occupy more space, your brain sends a signal to the room: "I belong here." It feels awkward at first.
• 7:30
  This is the first rule of visibility: You will feel like you are manspreading, but do it anyways.
• 7:35
  This is the first rule of visibility: Strategy number two, the apology audit.
• 7:38
  This is the first rule of visibility: We apologize for existing.
• 7:41
  This is the first rule of visibility: Sorry, can I just ask?
• 7:45
  This is the first rule of visibility: Sorry to bother you.
• 7:48
  This is the first rule of visibility: I'm probably wrong but..
• 7:50
  This is the first rule of visibility: Stop it.
• 7:51
  This is the first rule of visibility: Every time you say, sorry you haven't done anything wrong, you are telling the other person, I am less important than you.
• 8:00
  Try this: Instead of "Sorry I'm late," say "Thank you for waiting." Instead of "Sorry to bother you," say, "Do you have a minute?
• 8:12
  Try this: Instead of "Does this make sense?" say, "What are your thoughts on that?" Keep your sentence declarative.
• 8:24
  Try this: Drop the question mark at the end of your statements.
• 8:28
  Try this: Strategy number three, the conversational piece.
• 8:32
  Try this: In our fifties, we often fall into the "Uniform of Invisibility." Beige, black, gray, comfy, safe, invisible.
• 8:41
  Try this: I challenge you to wear one thing every day that invites a comment.
• 8:46
  Try this: It doesn't have to be expensive.
• 8:48
  Try this: It could be a funky pair of glasses, a bright scarf, a vintage broach, a pair of shoes in a color you love.
• 8:57
  Try this: When you wear something distinctive, you give people a hook to engage with you.
• 9:03
  Try this: It gives the clerk something to say, "Oh, I love those glasses!" And suddenly the walls break.
• 9:11
  Try this: You are talking.
• 9:13
  Try this: You are seen.
• 9:14
  Try this: This isn't about looking younger, it is about looking like YOU.
• 9:20
  It's about signaling: I am still creating myself.
• 9:25
  It's about signaling: I am still interesting.
• 9:29
  It's about signaling: I wanna leave you with this final thought?
• 9:32
  It's about signaling: Invisibility feels like a curse, but it can also be a superpower.
• 9:37
  It's about signaling: When you stop being the object of everyone else's gaze, when you stop worrying about being pretty for society.
• 9:47
  It's about signaling: You get to decide who you want to be.
• 9:51
  It's about signaling: You are no longer the painting on the wall.
• 9:55
  It's about signaling: You are the artist holding the brush.
• 9:58
  It's about signaling: The world needs your wisdom.
• 10:01
  It's about signaling: It needs your experience.
• 10:04
  It's about signaling: It needs your voice.
• 10:06
  It's about signaling: Don't deprive us of that hiding in the corner.
• 10:10
  It's about signaling: I see you and I want you to see yourself.
• 10:15
  Challenge for the week: I want you to go outside, "Take Up Space." Walk into a room like you own it.
• 10:23
  Challenge for the week: And then come back in the comments and tell me: How did it feel?
• 10:28
  Challenge for the week: If you enjoyed this, you will love this video here, where I talk to Alison Bruhn about becoming your own personal stylist, it's the perfect next step for your conversation piece.
• 10:41
  Challenge for the week: You can also find the links below in the show notes.
• 10:46
  Challenge for the week: If you would like to learn more about today's topic, please visit createthebestme.com/ep155.
• 10:54
  Challenge for the week: If this episode helped you do me a quick favor.
• 10:58
  Challenge for the week: Like, subscribe and share it with a friend who needs to get rid of their invisibility cloak! Come back next week for another amazing episode, created just for you.
• 11:09
  Challenge for the week: Until then, keep dreaming big.
• 11:11
  Challenge for the week: Take care of yourself, and remember, you are worthy to be seen.
• 11:16
  Challenge for the week: So go out there, take up space, and become the best version of yourself.
• 11:21
  Challenge for the week: Thank you for watching.
• 11:22
  Challenge for the week: Catch you next week.
• 11:24
  Challenge for the week: Bye for now.