Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #69 Parenting Adults

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#69 Parenting Adults · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: It's a Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coilson, where
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  Speaker 1: Luke and Susie parents of three little boys, and this
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  Speaker 1: is the podcast for those of us who are time
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  Speaker 1: poor parents, but just one answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now Tracy has written a question through Luke Yes. She says,
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  Speaker 2: parenting adults. We have a large family with five children,
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  Speaker 2: and I always thought the toddler slash preschool years were
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  Speaker 2: the most challenging. Now most are adults. We're finding this
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  Speaker 2: time much more stressful. Tracy, don't tell you that we
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  Speaker 2: get tried advice to make them move out and two have,
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  Speaker 2: but that's not helpful when you want to help them succeed.
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  Speaker 2: How can we help them without driving us around the twists.
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  Speaker 1: It's wonderful because I think it's the first time we've
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  Speaker 1: ever addressed a question to the show that's used the
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  Speaker 1: word trite. So I cannot wait to explore that.
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  Speaker 2: Our parenting expert, doctor Justin Coilson, is joining us in
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  Speaker 2: studio as we address parenting adults. Don't I think probably
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  Speaker 2: most of your advice would be parents with young children,
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  Speaker 2: but parenting adults seems to be from our audience questions
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  Speaker 2: that come through a common issue trying to navigate this world.
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  Speaker 2: So Tracey's question, how can we help our adult children
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  Speaker 2: without them driving us around the twist?
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  Speaker 3: It's funny, you know, little kids, little problems, Big kids,
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  Speaker 3: big problems, adult kids, adult problems.
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  Speaker 4: Actually, I got a.
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  Speaker 3: Message yesterday from a mum who was having similar kinds
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  Speaker 3: of issues, and she just said, I have young adults
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  Speaker 3: who have been out of the home and are actually
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  Speaker 3: transitioning back into our home right And she said, our
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  Speaker 3: boundaries are having to be readjusted. I need some help
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  Speaker 3: doing this. For example, I want my children to be
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  Speaker 3: in bed even though they're adults.
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  Speaker 4: Between ten and ten thirty pm.
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  Speaker 5: But sometimes their friends rock up with a current ten
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  Speaker 5: pm and they're gone most of the night, crawling back
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  Speaker 5: from a night club at five am.
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  Speaker 4: And she's sort of saying, this.
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  Speaker 5: Is not this is not how we want our family.
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  Speaker 5: You know, there's younger kids in the house. We don't
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  Speaker 5: want them seeing this example. I mean, there's so many
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  Speaker 5: challenges and I'm raising my own adult now. We sat
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  Speaker 5: down with our young adult daughter and when you turned eighteen,
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  Speaker 5: and we've told all of our kids.
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  Speaker 3: You know, once you turn eighteen, if you choose to
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  Speaker 3: live in a home, there's still certain guidelines that matter.
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  Speaker 3: We no longer have a financial responsibility to you, though.
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  Speaker 3: You're living your life and we're not going to tell
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  Speaker 3: you what to do, but we're going to ask that
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  Speaker 3: you respect our home. So I guess the short answer
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  Speaker 3: is the trite answer is just move out of home,
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  Speaker 3: tell the kids to go. I couldn't help saying that
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  Speaker 3: because in the email she obviously said that's the trit answer,
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  Speaker 3: and it's not helpful, is it really? Because we don't
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  Speaker 3: want to kick our kids out. We certainly don't want
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  Speaker 3: them to leave under a sense of oh, mom and
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  Speaker 3: dad don't love me.
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  Speaker 4: They're sending me away because you know, grumbling and granny.
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  Speaker 3: We want them to be leaving because they're embarking on
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  Speaker 3: the adventure of life and they're ready to go. They're
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  Speaker 3: excited about going. Kicking them out just doesn't feel good. Instead,
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  Speaker 3: we need to have some really challenging, mature conversations with
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  Speaker 3: them because they're adults, where we talk through how life
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  Speaker 3: needs to work as adults living together in the same home.
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  Speaker 4: The one thing that I'll say.
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  Speaker 3: Really clearly is that it's very, very very hard to
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  Speaker 3: try the whole my house, my rules approach once they're
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  Speaker 3: in fact, once they're teenagers. Once you're about thirteen or fourteen,
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  Speaker 3: you start to have to let go of control and
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  Speaker 3: move towards influence. But once they're eighteen nineteen twenty twenty one,
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  Speaker 3: even influence starts to step back and it becomes more
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  Speaker 3: of a well, it should become more of a give
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  Speaker 3: and take relationship where we work together to find solutions.
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  Speaker 1: If I'm as a manager, I can have an adult
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  Speaker 1: conversation with a staff member who's maybe not doing the
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  Speaker 1: right thing, and I sit down and we can talk
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  Speaker 1: like grown ups through some of the issues, and then
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  Speaker 1: we can create a plan to overcome some of the issues,
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  Speaker 1: and we can see to either eye. If we don't
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  Speaker 1: end up seeing either eye, someone gets to make a
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  Speaker 1: decision that means that we no longer have to deal
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  Speaker 1: with those adult conversations. The problem in this scenario and
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  Speaker 1: in family.
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  Speaker 4: You can't buy your kids.
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  Speaker 1: There's no out, and if you try and claim the out,
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  Speaker 1: they called your bluff then and then even if you
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  Speaker 1: follow through, you feel horrible and it's not the outcome
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  Speaker 1: that anybody wins.
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  Speaker 3: These power differentials never feel good in long term relationships.
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  Speaker 3: In a work environment, where people are being paid to
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  Speaker 3: be there. It's a different situation at home. What I
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  Speaker 3: think we need, and I've talked about this a number
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  Speaker 3: of times on the show. It still seems to me
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  Speaker 3: to be the best strategy in pretty much any relational context.
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  Speaker 3: We need the three e's, the three's of effective discipline.
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  Speaker 1: Every time we've spoken about the three e's on this show,
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  Speaker 1: I've pictured six year olds. I've never pictured twenty three
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  Speaker 1: year old hypothetically.
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  Speaker 4: Or twenty eight or thirty four. You know, move back
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  Speaker 4: in with three kids because family separated.
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  Speaker 1: You've just given every adult every period of adult children
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  Speaker 1: a twitch and a little bit of a e If
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  Speaker 1: they're moving back at twenty eight and thirty four, Okay.
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  Speaker 2: It happens, right, Okay, I want my boys to leave.
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  Speaker 1: I've got a friend who thinks very very differently. As
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  Speaker 1: five children, he made them all share one single bedroom
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  Speaker 1: as they were growing up because he said it that way.
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  Speaker 1: If they're uncomfortable, they're going to move out quickly.
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  Speaker 4: That's one way to say as well.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so we're sitting now with our adult children where
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  Speaker 1: we've got conflict when they're not doing and living in
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  Speaker 1: our house like we think they should. We're going to
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  Speaker 1: sit down with them.
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  Speaker 3: But we need to get the context right first. So
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  Speaker 3: timing is everything. We want to set it up so
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  Speaker 3: that we're having a day, we're having some fun. I
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  Speaker 3: think that it's a really nice thing if your circumstances
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  Speaker 3: will permit. And this is what I encourage many couples
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  Speaker 3: to do with their adult kids. Say to them, it's
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  Speaker 3: been a long time since we've spent really good quality
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  Speaker 3: time with you. How do you feel about if we
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  Speaker 3: get a hotel room or maybe a you know, a
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  Speaker 3: self contained unit or something. So we've got multiple bedrooms,
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  Speaker 3: Let's have a couple of days away. Let's just make
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  Speaker 3: it a long weekend. Let's go and do something. And
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  Speaker 3: by the way, we are doing this with an agenda.
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  Speaker 3: There's a few and wortant conversations that we need to
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  Speaker 3: have and we don't feel like having them around the
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  Speaker 3: house is going to work. Now, that won't suit everybody's circumstances.
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  Speaker 3: I acknowledge that immediately, but I think it's the best
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  Speaker 3: context in which to do it because you're in a
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  Speaker 3: new environment, there's no external pressures.
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  Speaker 4: You actually feel like you're on.
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  Speaker 3: Holidays, and you've set it up ahead of time so
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  Speaker 3: that they know that there's going to be some hard conversations.
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  Speaker 1: So in a replacement, to take that principle to go,
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  Speaker 1: let's go down to the beach for the day. Let's
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  Speaker 1: go fishing all those sharp objects during these conversations, but
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  Speaker 1: substitute the principle a place where you can relax and
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  Speaker 1: be comfortable.
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  Speaker 4: With each other, change the scenery and time.
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  Speaker 3: You really want to make sure if there's younger kids,
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  Speaker 3: get a babysitter for the day, whatever it takes, but
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  Speaker 3: you really want to make sure that you've got time,
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  Speaker 3: and you want to set it up so that your child,
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  Speaker 3: your adult child, knows we're going to be talking about
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  Speaker 3: some of the stuff, the awkward stuff, that had stuff.
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  Speaker 3: Then you simply have the explained, explore and power conversation.
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  Speaker 3: But i'd recommend I mean a lot of parents just
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  Speaker 3: go with the explode conversation, yep.
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  Speaker 4: But I think.
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  Speaker 3: Explaining an exploring is much more effective. I probably wouldn't
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  Speaker 3: start with explain when you're talking to an adult child. Rather,
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  Speaker 3: I would say, let's talk about your life. Let's talk
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  Speaker 3: about how we can support you. It's not tell me
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  Speaker 3: what you're doing with your life, what direction you're taking
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  Speaker 3: you're getting older, and you need to get on with things. Rather,
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  Speaker 3: it's how can we support you to achieve your goals?
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  Speaker 3: What are you working towards? And you might discuss the
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  Speaker 3: various areas of your life, of their life that matter,
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  Speaker 3: what financially, relationally, educationally, career, etc.
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  Speaker 4: Spiritually, the things that matter most to you.
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  Speaker 3: Then you simply say, okay, well, now that we understand
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  Speaker 3: what you're all about, we feel that we would like
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  Speaker 3: to explore a little bit about how things are going
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  Speaker 3: at home. Is there anything that you're unhappy with at home? Again,
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  Speaker 3: get them talking, let them know that you really care
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  Speaker 3: about them, and then let them know, explain to them
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  Speaker 3: the things that you're struggling with, and do it gently,
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  Speaker 3: do it sensitively, do it in a way that recognizes
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  Speaker 3: that you know that they're not used to these kinds
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  Speaker 3: of situations.
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  Speaker 4: It's tricky.
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  Speaker 3: And then you empower. So you've explained and you've explored.
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  Speaker 3: Then you empower you say, well, where do we go
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  Speaker 3: from here? What do you think is a viable solution?
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  Speaker 3: Because my twenty five year old son, I'm sorry, but
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  Speaker 3: you're sitting in your room for fourteen hours a day,
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  Speaker 3: four days a week and playing games and then going
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  Speaker 3: and working at nights, and you know, having four days
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  Speaker 3: a week part time down at the local supermarket. That's
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  Speaker 3: not going to cut it in our home. We're not
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  Speaker 3: okay with that.
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  Speaker 4: You don't want to do it in an attacking way,
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  Speaker 4: you want to do it sensitively. But ultimately we're.
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  Speaker 3: Trying to find a solution together. How do we fix this?
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  Speaker 3: What do we do about that. Let's talk about board,
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  Speaker 3: Let's talk about contribution in the home. Let's talk about
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  Speaker 3: what happens if you don't fulfill your end of the deal.
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  Speaker 3: Can we get really clear on that? And as parents,
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  Speaker 3: because we love our kids, we've got to make sure
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  Speaker 3: that they understand clearly our goal is to help, not
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  Speaker 3: to hurt.
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  Speaker 4: We're not interested in having conflict.
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  Speaker 1: We have to end this where over time now. But
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  Speaker 1: when you have that conversation, the fear is that when
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  Speaker 1: you talk about that four days the part time you sitting,
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  Speaker 1: they're playing games, and they go, that's what I want
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  Speaker 1: to do and nothing you can do about it, And
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  Speaker 1: you're at this impass.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, And because they're adults, technically they're right.
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  Speaker 3: And at that point you've got to be willing to
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  Speaker 3: either say all right, well we'll accept that because you're
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  Speaker 3: an adult, but we don't like it, or all right, well,
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  Speaker 3: if that's your decision, we're going to have to do
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  Speaker 3: something that's really hard and we wish we didn't have
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  Speaker 3: to do it, but we're going to have to ask
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  Speaker 3: you to make other plans and then you map out
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  Speaker 3: a time frame. Now I don't like that. I think
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  Speaker 3: it's horrible, but in some circumstances there may be no alternative,
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  Speaker 3: probably not in a gaming sort of alternative, but if
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  Speaker 3: there's problematic gambling or drinking, if there's problematic behaviors that
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  Speaker 3: are leading to issues for younger kids, or issues for
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  Speaker 3: your child. The whole way through, though, your child needs
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  Speaker 3: to know absolutely, unequivocally that you love them and that
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  Speaker 3: you just want to help them. As soon as they
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  Speaker 3: feel like you're not trying to help them, you're trying
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  Speaker 3: to hurt them.
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  Speaker 4: It goes south.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: Listening to the questions that you had at the beginning,
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  Speaker 2: there that to have this conversation, I think that means
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  Speaker 2: that the parents need to implement my three l's, which
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  Speaker 2: is listen, listen, and listen, which is hard to do
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  Speaker 2: that without judgment. Doctor Justin Coulson happy to be your
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: partner with this parenting Expert thing book. Thanks so much
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  Speaker 2: for answering Tracy's question today.
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  Speaker 4: That's a pleasure.
• 10:23
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• 10:25
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• 10:28
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• 10:30
  Speaker 2: find it. And if you're not a subscriber, jump onto
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: Apple Podcasts and subscribe so that you can hear every
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: episode as soon as it is uploaded. For more information
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: on all of doctor Justin Coulson's books, programs, and podcasts,
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: go to Happy Families dot com dot au. Or if
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: you'd like to have doctor Justin Coulson speak at your
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: school or event, go to Justin Coulson dot com.