Latest / Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha / Rabbi Moshe Haber Orchot Yashar: The Gift of Discipline: Balancing Toughness and Love 3.22.26

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Rabbi Moshe Haber Orchot Yashar: The Gift of Discipline: Balancing Toughness and Love 3.22.26 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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  As we, like we said, we weren't using our Heinkansky siphon,
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  where has a list of different aspects of life that help a
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  person become a whole complete person.
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  And he goes by letters in alphabet to make olive bed to
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  make it easier. So he came to, he knew.
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  And last week he brought this angle, which we mentioned a
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  little bit yesterday in the Breakfast by the Kedush, which
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  is the need for discipline and the role at discipline plays,
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  especially in children in this world.
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  And we explained last week that means, you know, the lions,
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  spare the pursuit, spare the ride, spare the rod, hate the
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  child. We know modern day, it's not
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  really rod, we'll call it, you know, spare the corner, hate the
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  child. Whatever version you have.
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  I don't think it's sort of the slipper anymore.
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  But that the theme overall is, is that discipline is a very
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  effective tool to help a child grow.
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  And we explain and there's many pursuing to back this up.
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  Now this is even true even if the kids a good kid, a great
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  kid. In fact, even if the kid did
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  nothing wrong. It goes so far because the idea
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  is a person should know that there are barriers.
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  A person you get accustomed to things I can't do and things I
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  might slip up on. And if you get used to, excuse
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  me, if you get used to that, you're far better off.
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  Because even if right now you make 0 mistakes, they will come
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  a time in different situations and mistakes will start
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  happening. And he take a guy who his whole
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  life thought he was a Sadiq, he never did anything wrong.
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  And now all of a sudden he finds out that people don't approve
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  what he's doing. I mean, the most classic example
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  that comes to my mind always all the time is he kind of person
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  who went through elementary school, high school and beyond.
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  He lived in a dorm all right? So he thinks in his mind that he
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  really experienced everything. He got along fine with his
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  friends, he got along with his roommates fine.
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  He never got bothered by the fact that they came in at 2:30
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  in the morning and they blasted music.
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  He never got angry when someone woke him up.
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  He never got frustrated or something happened.
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  And yet somehow this person gets married.
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  And I witnessed this first hand multiple times.
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  This person gets married and he has no clue what to do and he
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  can't get along. What do you mean?
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  He got along with people fine. You know, when we're friends,
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  fine, roommates fine. What's the difference?
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  His wife is just a roommate. I is living with people, he's
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  living with people. What's the difference?
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  And somehow, some way, everything bothers him.
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  The reality is life keeps changing and you have to be
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  ready to look at yourself and say there are barriers I need to
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  develop. I need to continue having
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  control. I need to always realize I can
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  make mistakes, as you mentioned yesterday, and this is a thing
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  that makes you stronger. So discipline is an ability for
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  a child to say, hey, I don't know everything yet.
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  I might not be perfect yet. There are there are things that
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  my parents know that I don't know, my rappers, I don't know.
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  And when you have that kind of mindset, it makes you more
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  guided, it makes you more focused and it makes you
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  stronger. There's a beauty and a major
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  outcome to discipline. That's the idea.
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  That's fair. The wrong hate the child.
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  That means the kid can be a great kid.
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  He still needs to know he did something wrong.
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  In fact, I once heard this in a class, I don't know, 20
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  something years ago and they said that I think it was I've
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  been a child. Maybe it was Adonia.
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  I'm not sure which one. Who his whole life was a good
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  kid and later on in life he just he kind of also rebelled, not as
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  famous as Shalom, but he also rebuilt against Avi and the
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  Madras said the problem was that he never got rebuked.
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  But they said on the same time he never as a child deserved to
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  get reviewed. Even so, the lack of discipline
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  made them live a life without barriers.
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  And then when time came, life changes, right?
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  You tell her to give an example. Children, you know, they don't
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  really have so many tests of honesty, a real honesty test.
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  They get a small test, but not major ones.
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  Now they go into the business world, right?
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  And you know what? I know in the business world,
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  there are a lot of ways you can cut corners.
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  How does the child know to be honest?
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  The only way to be honest is if the parents told them to be
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  honest and if they took the opportunity when he gave a white
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  lie to discipline him for saying that white lie.
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  And now when he grows up and it's a much stronger amount of
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  money as a much more significant thing and it's something that's
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  really dangerous and really bad for his family and himself.
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  He knows we don't lie. Case closed.
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  That's what this one does, right?
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  So he says at the same time, and after you have this concept, he
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  uses these words of the rod. He says concept, however, is
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  don't hit. Excuse me, Don't hit too hard.
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  What does that mean? Don't hit too hard.
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  In the modern day, we don't hit anyhow what it means, and this
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  is a major point. And that is as much discipline
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  as you did in any role that you play, whether it be you're the
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  boss of a company, you're the father of a family, a
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  grandparents or a rabbi, whatever it may be.
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  In any role that you play, don't hit too hard means do not allow
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  the emotions to play any role into the picture. 0 It is very
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  difficult to attain. It is much harder said than
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  done. But this he says is fundamental
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  to be an effective disciplinarian and that is take
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  your emotions out of the picture.
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  Take your own ego out of the picture.
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  But he's often times parents get upset at their children and it's
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  possible because you insulted me, whether or rather I say it
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  or not, but you're insulting me or maybe you made me look bad so
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  that you know, they're by the in laws and the kid makes them look
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  bad and they go to the side and they yell at the kid.
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  Are they really so upset at the child?
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  Maybe not. Would they have done this in
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  their own home? Maybe not, but it's only because
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  the kid is embarrassing them. Now, the problem with that type
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  of discipline in is not coming for the right place.
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  And this is fundamental discipline needs to come
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  straight from your understanding.
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  You have an understanding of what's right and wrong.
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  It can't come from another place.
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  And if it comes for a parent being embarrassed, the child,
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  imagine the kid comes off from school and you hear there was
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  some sort of crazy incident in school and you have a way you're
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  going to you would address it. But because you know that your
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  child is only foolish and the other people talking about it,
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  you're going to go at them. What is the problem with that
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  story? The problem is you know right
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  from wrong and you know the right way to address it.
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  But now your heart and your emotion is guiding your
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  decision. And that's not discipline.
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  This one is providing the barriers.
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  Hashem made you a borderline that's called Navi, which means
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  God gave you a gift for the people on the and that gift is
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  you know what to tell them as a parent, as a grandparent, as a
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  teacher, you need to believe and you have some tools to know what
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  tell your children you. You can't think that you lost.
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  You believe you know, but your mind knows your Torah, your
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  upbringing, those, but your heart doesn't know, your emotion
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  does not know. So if now, if I get insulted, I
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  get embarrassed because my son ran through his shul and he made
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  me look bad. And I after the after the shul,
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  I get home and I, you know, give him a piece of my mind.
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  Big mistake because I don't really believe he deserves a
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  piece of my mind. I don't think he knows what he
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  did in the middle of the speech. I don't think he realizes how
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  how he's a kid. He's a kid and a kid is a kid
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  and they're children. Or do I think you need to know?
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  Maybe you need to know the respect of issue.
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  You don't need to know the respect of your father.
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  That's a different conversation. That's not for now.
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  Don't say because Daddy was speaking and you embarrassed
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  Daddy. That's a problem.
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  That's a misapplication of discipline.
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  And not only is it not effective, it backfires because
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  if discipline comes from the wrong place, understand
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  discipline is strong. Someone is hard, it's barriers.
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  If you misplace the barriers, you have a negative effect
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  because the reality is children have a gift.
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  I know where this gift came from.
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  They have a gift they can see right through emit and shake it.
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  If they see emit, they respond properly.
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  If they see shake it, they respond the wrong way.
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  So if you misapply the discipline coming from your
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  emotion, it's false and it's in effect.
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  It goes, it backfires, it doesn't have a good.
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  So they, although you need the rod, the mounted day version of
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  the rod, you need discipline, you need those barriers, you
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  need to know where it has to come from.
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  It needs to come from your mind, it needs to come from your love
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  and it's come from the right place.
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  That's the reality. Now I'll tell you one more
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  detail that he tells us and then we'll give you a little story.
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  The detail that he tells you is this, he says, and you should
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  know that cause no niche rights. The most damaging thing is these
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  words I read in the court of English.
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  One of the most fundamentally damaging situation is when a
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  person who's a public educator or a parent who had have an
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  imperfect character. When a principal, a teacher, a
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  rabbi, Rabbi, Everett synagogue, you name a parent, a
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  grandparent, display a bad character on their truth and get
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  angry. They get frustrated, they get
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  mad, they let out their feelings and they claim, hey, the
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  children need to know, they have to learn.
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  I got to tell them, right? Someone told me that you can
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  tell when some people even speak.
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  You can tell when they have a bad feeling about something and
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  they're getting out through the speech and they find the toda to
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  get their point across such a thing.
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  And parents are the same way. They talk about certain subjects
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  because they happen to hate those subjects and they apply to
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  their children. And what's the problem with
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  that? The problem with that is, he
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  says, is it the children copy. So not only are you having a bad
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  display of discipline, you're also having the children learn
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  from the bad characters. So now the child goes up and he
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  acts, acts angry. And he said, where do you get
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  his anger from? He got the anger from the
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  moments that his parents discipline him.
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  One second. Discipline was supposed to be an
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  effective tool. The pursuit says that discipline
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  is necessary and mandatory for the sake of your children.
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  How did the child develop bad character from his parents or
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  rabbis doing a good thing? The answer is very clear.
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  When those people in that position do that thing the wrong
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  way, the child just picks up on the bad nature of it.
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  So all they pick up on is we're allowed to get angry.
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  Daddy gets angry, I get angry. Daddy gets fresher.
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  I get fresher. Daddy gets mad, I get mad, Daddy
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  yells, I yells. It's an unbelievable thing,
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  acting from emotions. That's it.
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  If you yell for the right reason.
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  Here's a wild thing there's at this point, if you yell for the
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  right reason, he pick and choose you yell because something that
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  deserves to be yelled about. Crazy thing when the child grows
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  up, he won't become a yeller. One second yell once a week at
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  the children yells once a week for a good reason.
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  He grows up. It's almost like it's a perfect
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  shot and he will not pick up on any of the bad aspects.
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  He'll just pick up on the guidance.
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  So you yell once a week, let's say, for whatever reason, for a
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  good reason. It's not like the kid is going
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  to be turned to a yeller. No, he's going to turn to a good
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  kid. But if you yell because of
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  frustration, because of anger, now, according to Kazanisha's
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  point, the child will become a yeller because he ends up
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  absorbing the character of that leader.
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  He doesn't pick up on the mission, he just picks up on the
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  bad character. That's how it works.
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  If it's a perfect shot, which means a child, doesn't he wrong?
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  You call him into the room and you yell at him, and it's been
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  done before, right? Great parents and great rabbis
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  have done this. Yell them, then you can rest
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  assured they're going to get the guidance and not the negative
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  effects. If do the opposite, if you yell
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  for the wrong reason, then they're going to get the
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  negative effects and not the guidance.
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  That's our real, this concept is God gave us the right.
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  You know, we like softness, we love warmth.
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  I said yes, sitting in the breakfast clothes nowadays it's
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  a cozy world. I said, I went for a meeting and
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  deal and in the beginning of the meeting, and I mean, the guy
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  gave me a hug. I said, since when do people
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  give hugs? Our meetings, that's a new
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  thing. It's a cozy, fuzzy, warm world.
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  All true. And this idea of discipline is
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  against the movements of the modern day.
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  The modern day is getting more conscious of the mind, more
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  sensitive to the mental health, more scared of people's
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  emotions. All that discipline is hard.
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  It's strong, it's tough, right? So this one tough.
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  So the nature of peoples, I think that tough means bad.
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  No misplaced tough as bad. Good.
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  Tough is great good. Tough is guidance good.
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  Tough is barriers, and it makes the person better off.
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  And the reality is you can have a child who grew up with a
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  teacher or a parent who at times displayed toughness, and the
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  child will be the best, most caring person around.
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  How does that make sense? Because the toughness came from
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  a good place and who wasn't bad character on display, It was
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  rather guardians in this way. This is a little bit of a
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  miracle, this concept, it's a little bit of a miracle, but
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  Hashem made the world that way. That toughness is now picked up
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  the wrong way if it's coming for the right reason, and then it's
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  picked up the wrong way if it's coming for the wrong reason.
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  This is how a real the world works.
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  The greatest rabbis and the greatest people have been tough
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  and their students were unbelievably nice.
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  And you know what? For their students, they were
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  also tough because from the right place, toughness is key.
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  From the wrong place, toughness and strength is terrible.
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  Is this clear? Got here so.
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  A lot of funds, it could be it's coming from the right place, but
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  the emotion exacerbates it. No good thanks.
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  No good. The way he says it is, the way
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  they bring the sources are that on bomb rights, that a person
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  when they're getting tough on their children, they should fake
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  the anger. You have to be in a situation
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  that you're not. Ingrid, you literally calm down.
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  You're not angry. I'm telling you, easier said
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  than done, I'm aware. But you have to be in a
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  situation that you're not angry, and now you're trying to drum up
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  the anger in order to make the child seem so feel somewhat
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  scared, unaware that you made a mistake.
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  You need to be in that position. In other words, it has to be
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  coming fully from your interests and the child succeeding fully
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  not, and this is so important today because this is the, the
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  reality is it's not this way, not from my own embarrassment,
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  not because a child made me look great.
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  I'll give you an example of a child who's four years old gets
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  a stain on his white outfit, right, Two minutes into the
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  holiday. OK.
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  And the mother, you know, it's upset.
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  Why does she get upset? And she got upset because a
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  child didn't behave properly. She's four years old.
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  There's grape juice all over the table.
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  What do you think is going to happen?
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  No, it's always she gets upset. She gets upset because I went to
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  the store I got, the more I spent the money I prepared, I
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  made sure the office are ready. I dress you to a tee.
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  I did the hair, I put it in the bow.
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  Everything matches. You match your sister's
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  perfectly. And now we walk into the parents
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  house with all the cousins and you have purple over your shirt.
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  I nothing do it. No, no, not sad the kid at all.
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  But I'm angry. Huh.
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  Style have some color. Exactly.
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  Yeah, they stand out right. But the mother gets them sick
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  and you can't blame her. But you know what?
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  If she has that emotion, she's entitled.
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  But if the child feels that emotion has a miss place gardens
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  and you're wasting a bullet. Not only wasting a shot, it's
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  worse than that. You're having a negative effect.
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  So now the child thinks Mommy cares about clothes.
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  She doesn't really care about things that.
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  Yeah, but only if it's only because the child misbehaved.
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  The child. Think of the great show at the
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  table. She was told not to.
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  You didn't listen to Mommy. That makes sense, right?
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  You didn't do something that's proper.
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  That's fair. And I again, I'm not the woman
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  who cares about the kids clothing.
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  I'm the father. So I really can't be so honest
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  and and so real about this concept.
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  But the truth is that gives me a good perspective and that is
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  when I see that scene. What do you see if the mother
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  told her don't pick up the cup, She picked it up anyhow.
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  You don't listen to mom. That's the problem.
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  You know what, the child to deserve the same discipline
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  whether she spilled or didn't spill because the mother told
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  him not to and she didn't listen.
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  Need to find where is the bad activity, not where is the part
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  that makes you upset, that makes you angry, makes you
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  embarrassed, makes you frustrated.
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  All those emotions. That's for you on your own, for
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  your children. I'm telling you, this is true
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  for a rabbi as well. It's so true for a rabbi.
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  Sometimes you get frustrated and then you realize, ain't there
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  anything wrong? It's just something that bothers
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  you. I don't know.
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  They missed three weeks in their own truth, let's say right.
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  It didn't do anything wrong. They're entitled.
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  Instead of family, they have things to go to.
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  I thought you have no right to complain.
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  But you know what? That seat looks empty and they
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  didn't show up. And now the class is different.
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  Whatever the example is, that is you involving your own personal
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  ego and success into their lives.
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  They don't need that. You need it.
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  Deal with it on your own. When it comes to discipline,
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  it's guiding them on the right road.
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  And this is the concept. So we're telling you, strength
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  is important in the world. In the modern day world,
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  strength is very important. Do not absorb the world of
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  softness. I'll give you complete honesty.
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  When I first got married, OK, So my father, Shalom, you can
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  imagine, he never really got upset one day in his life.
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  Definitely as a child, never once.
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  I never remember him yelling once, ever.
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  And my mother was a strong one can imagine she threatened the
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  slipper and the belt and these things should never hit.
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  But she threatened and we had told you this, you got to have
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  contraptions and to have ways to avoid the lights seem like it's
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  on. And we had to have all sorts of
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  tricks to get by this fear, which was my mother.
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  That was the reality. My father wasn't tough.
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  My mother was. So I got married.
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  I know my children. I was in the beginning zero
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  level of toughness. 0 I'm talking about.
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  They never deserved to yell. They never deserved anything and
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  it was not the proper way. I learned the hard way.
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  It wasn't the proper way because in my mind I thought, OK, the
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  father doesn't get involved. He doesn't do that much.
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  He just so, you know, a warm, loving existence.
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  Nice figure. That's a done.
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  And the mother is a tough one. That was for my parents.
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  That's not for my children. Was Australia tough?
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  Yeah, She has a degree of toughness inside.
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  My English have a toughness, that's for sure, but I did not.
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  And I thought you ought to be tough.
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  And I thought I'm being Mr. Nice Guy.
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  I was being Mr. Meme Guy. If I am not tough, it was the
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  wrong approach and I learned the hard way.
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  So I thought that I would mirror my parents.
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  You know what the reality is? And this is a big mistake that
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  we all make. I grew up in deal call it on the
• 19:44
  plantation. I grew up in a different world
• 19:46
  did today in Brooklyn, NY with the rumble tumble of Brooklyn NY
• 19:50
  is not a deal all right and the children today my kids
• 19:54
  personally have a stronger gene than I did and they need more
• 19:59
  you know gardens. You know what that might take
• 20:01
  each other makes take take some further than I went.
• 20:03
  That's the way it is and you can't say you know what I was
• 20:06
  really using. I'll be honest with you.
• 20:07
  I was using my own ego because I was saying my parents did this.
• 20:10
  Are awake. I think they did a good job.
• 20:12
  I'm going to do it the same way. That's your ego.
• 20:15
  No, no, take that. Leave it by the door.
• 20:18
  Do you love your children? Yes.
• 20:20
  Do you want the best for your children?
• 20:22
  Yes. So you give them what's best for
• 20:24
  them, which means a level of toughness and a level of warmth.
• 20:28
  I will say two more points. 1 is at the same time.
• 20:33
  It's significant. At the same time, you never want
• 20:37
  fear, trepidation, intimidation, because as much as you display
• 20:42
  toughness, as much as this constant is a real constant not
• 20:45
  spoken about today enough. If they're intimidated and you
• 20:49
  run a whole risk and that risk is something happens in their
• 20:52
  life, they won't come, something goes wrong, they won't show up,
• 20:56
  they're embarrassed. That's going to tell you about a
• 20:58
  bad test. That's going to tell you when
• 21:01
  something goes wrong with school.
• 21:02
  And that right there is an all right disaster.
• 21:06
  So as much as you're tough, you need to be a guided level, warm
• 21:10
  and tough so that they know you are their safe place.
• 21:15
  You are the steady force. You're where they go to when
• 21:20
  they need something. You need to be that person.
• 21:22
  We all have gone through the processes and you can tell me
• 21:24
  more than me, but this is the idea.
• 21:26
  This balance, warmth and tough, but never getting to a point
• 21:30
  where there's an emotional destruction and never getting to
• 21:33
  a point with his intimidation to lose that source of warmth.
• 21:37
  There's a classic story, classic, classic story.
• 21:41
  I know Rabidi put it in his book and I know it's a well known
• 21:44
  story about the Salamis Italian sailor and that was he had a
• 21:48
  mashiach. So Mashiach Rani yeshiva and I
• 21:53
  think it was a Gateshead in England and the system was El U
• 21:57
  la pian. It was a classic bomb was
• 22:00
  unbelievable person and they had a rule.
• 22:04
  Everyone's got to show up to yeshiva.
• 22:05
  The praying on time. It's a big item in the Shiva.
• 22:08
  You got to show up to praying on time, you know, and the regular
• 22:10
  she was. What they have is a guy comes
• 22:12
  around the dorm. If you don't call up on time,
• 22:14
  someone comes around the dorms. And some places they get very
• 22:16
  creative. They even pour water on your
• 22:18
  face. They flip your bed.
• 22:20
  There's been a lot of stuff, all right.
• 22:22
  But you know, some people, they come in and make a lot of noise.
• 22:24
  They do different tricks. This place didn't do that, but
• 22:28
  they required everyone comes on time, otherwise they get
• 22:31
  penalized. So they're all by they used to
• 22:35
  stay and take attendance. I mean, yeah, take attendance at
• 22:39
  middle of the mignon. I believe this other story goes
• 22:41
  he notices that there's a boy sitting there praying at middle
• 22:44
  of the mignon who wasn't there. He didn't think he didn't see
• 22:48
  them in the beginning of the yet.
• 22:50
  How'd you get it? What happened?
• 22:52
  And it turns out, I think the rabbi asked the boy a question
• 22:56
  and the boy gave like a side answer.
• 22:58
  And the rabbi asked him again. And the boy said, I came through
• 23:01
  the window. And Rabbi said first he got red
• 23:07
  in his face, right in his face. He was Burning Man.
• 23:10
  The boy jumped ahead of me. He's got your sister in his
• 23:12
  face. And he calmed down.
• 23:14
  And he says I would OK, in those days, they can still hit.
• 23:19
  I would hit you right now. But you don't know how much I
• 23:22
  love you, and therefore I can't hear you.
• 23:24
  If you knew how much I love you, I would hit you.
• 23:27
  But because you don't know yet how much I love you, I'm not
• 23:32
  going to do this to you. What does that mean?
• 23:33
  That means that means that discipline needs to come from
• 23:37
  love only and that that that discipline at that moment would
• 23:42
  have come from love and the children need to feel the love
• 23:46
  coming through that discipline. That doesn't mean they're going
• 23:48
  to enjoy the corner. It doesn't mean they're going to
• 23:50
  enjoy being going to bed early. It doesn't mean they're going to
• 23:52
  enjoy having the candy taken away.
• 23:53
  That doesn't mean they're going to enjoy being told you can't
• 23:56
  use the car tonight. It doesn't mean that, but it
• 23:58
  means that they're going to still have that same steady
• 24:01
  force. You want to be a steady force.
• 24:03
  You never want to be an overbearing source of anger.
• 24:08
  You don't want to be display a bad card if you're going to be
• 24:10
  this level of steadiness, which is discipline and warmth.
• 24:15
  Overall feeling is love, not love through cozy, always love
• 24:20
  through this this attempt to help develop and build them.
• 24:25
  Ultimately, if you do a right, you build them and we do a
• 24:29
  wrong. The other option is terrible.
• 24:31
  This is the right option. We build them because we guide
• 24:34
  them with discipline and won't. That's the idea.