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Episode 88: Unveiling the Struggles and Triumphs of a Middle-Class Teenager · Voices for Voices®

• 0:00
  Justin Alan Hayes: Chapter 3.
• 0:02
  Justin Alan Hayes: Childhood.
• 0:04
  Justin Alan Hayes: From what I can recall, I had a pretty normal and holistic childhood.
• 0:09
  Justin Alan Hayes: I had braces twice, actually struggled with acne, had a hard time finding my tribe at school.
• 0:17
  Justin Alan Hayes: Just like all the other kids, I liked Mickey Mouse, listening to AM Radio and playing outside in our huge backyard with my sister and neighborhood friends.
• 0:30
  Justin Alan Hayes: We were the quintessential middle-class family, taking yearly beach vacations and perfecting our manners to become polite, good kids.
• 0:40
  Justin Alan Hayes: My parents held normal, steady jobs.
• 0:43
  Justin Alan Hayes: My sister and I attended public school with our peers.
• 0:47
  Justin Alan Hayes: As a family we frequented Cleveland Indians baseball games, always the highlight of the summertime.
• 0:55
  Justin Alan Hayes: Some of the most treasured memories of my youth that replay in my mind are scenes from baseball games surrounded by my family and grandparents.
• 1:04
  Justin Alan Hayes: Others are sunny and sandy memories of Myrtle Beach, splashing in the ocean next to my sister and smiling from ear to ear without a care in the world.
• 1:15
  Justin Alan Hayes: We would even take regular excursions as a family to Chuck E Cheese.
• 1:20
  Justin Alan Hayes: I would save up for months, proud of my heavy bag of quarters and walking in there like I own the place.
• 1:28
  Justin Alan Hayes: No other kids could match my high scores on Ski Ball.
• 1:31
  Justin Alan Hayes: I was that good Growing up.
• 1:35
  Justin Alan Hayes: I spent countless weekends at my grandparents' house, staying overnight to attend church with them.
• 1:41
  Justin Alan Hayes: On Sunday mornings we would raid their pantry late at night because they always had the best snacks too.
• 1:48
  Justin Alan Hayes: My sister and I would snack on big yellow bags of Lay's potato chips, passing the bag between us and swapping schoolyard stories.
• 1:59
  Justin Alan Hayes: In the morning we would dive into gigantic cinnamon rolls with orange frosting.
• 2:04
  Justin Alan Hayes: We lived like royalty at our grandparents' house and we very much enjoyed our time there.
• 2:12
  Justin Alan Hayes: Another bank of memories I hold close are my experiences with sports throughout my life.
• 2:17
  Justin Alan Hayes: Just like any other young boy growing up in the 80s and 90s, sports were my everything.
• 2:23
  Justin Alan Hayes: I loved watching them, playing them, listening to them on the radio.
• 2:28
  Justin Alan Hayes: I soaked up everything baseball, football and basketball for years.
• 2:34
  Justin Alan Hayes: When I began playing middle school soccer, my competitive side really showed, becoming on an extraordinarily strong personality trait for better or for worse.
• 2:45
  Justin Alan Hayes: Later I picked up basketball, where my team made it all the way to the 7th grade tournament championship.
• 2:52
  Justin Alan Hayes: By the time I was playing baseball, my left-handed self felt so special for being able to throw left-handed and bat right-handed.
• 3:02
  Justin Alan Hayes: I felt different.
• 3:04
  Justin Alan Hayes: I felt like I was better than everyone else.
• 3:07
  Justin Alan Hayes: I was the cool kid on the baseball team.
• 3:09
  Justin Alan Hayes: I was the cool kid on any team I played on.
• 3:13
  Justin Alan Hayes: To be truthful, despite my larger-than-life attitude on the field, I really struggled with who I was off the field, outside of sports.
• 3:23
  Justin Alan Hayes: I found it difficult to communicate with others.
• 3:26
  Justin Alan Hayes: I was very shy and painfully introverted.
• 3:30
  Justin Alan Hayes: I was awkward in the lunchroom, feeling left out and lacking the courage to trade snacks or forgetting the words I needed to use to ask if I could join a group.
• 3:41
  Justin Alan Hayes: In the moment I took all that great family time for granted.
• 3:46
  Justin Alan Hayes: I felt different and therefore less than the other kids in my grade.
• 3:51
  Justin Alan Hayes: I was good at spelling, attended church and my mother even worked at the same middle school I attended.
• 3:58
  Justin Alan Hayes: I felt judged like I was the goodie to shoes, no matter which class I was excelling in.
• 4:04
  Justin Alan Hayes: I thought that if I distanced myself from my family publicly, the other kids would accept me more and think I was cool enough for their lunchroom group or pick me for class group assignments.
• 4:17
  Justin Alan Hayes: Home was my safe space.
• 4:18
  Justin Alan Hayes: After dealing with days of stress at school, I found great comfort in my father, but strictly at home where other kids could not see me.
• 4:27
  Justin Alan Hayes: He'd lay with me in bed until I fell asleep most nights, something I would never dare to admit to the few close friends I had.
• 4:36
  Justin Alan Hayes: Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night and toss and turn until morning I started going into my parents' room to sleep on the floor next to his side of the bed.
• 4:47
  Justin Alan Hayes: This behavior continued on and off for many years.
• 4:53
  Justin Alan Hayes: Coming back, all these feelings and dependency on my parents' father were no different than the awkward puberty phase we all go through.
• 5:01
  Justin Alan Hayes: I wanted my family to comfort me, and yet I wanted them to leave me be at the same time, whether playing sports, attending school or just being a kid, a sense of accomplishment, discipline, reward or lack thereof, was reinforced by a combination of my parents, coaches or teachers.
• 5:24
  Justin Alan Hayes: The immediate, positive or negative reinforcement was something I always looked for, because knowing if I had done something wrong or right was validating my actions, my attitude and general feeling of self.
• 5:40
  Justin Alan Hayes: All the while, I craved encouragement and coaching from just about anyone who would give it to me, and yet it felt like the world was closing in on me.
• 5:50
  Justin Alan Hayes: All I could do was recite the prayers I had learned in church, hoping for something to change, for life to be a little easier, to win the next game and do well on the next test, but not too well.
• 6:04
  Justin Alan Hayes: I still had to show my peers I was just like them.
• 6:07
  Justin Alan Hayes: I wanted to be the best on the field, to show everyone I was more than what they saw in class.
• 6:14
  Justin Alan Hayes: I was a winner, a competitive kid who would do anything to win for his team and consistently come out on top.
• 6:23
  Justin Alan Hayes: As the years passed, this immediate feedback became less frequent, even though my reliance upon it was increasing as I matured.
• 6:32
  Justin Alan Hayes: I should have been able to adapt to this change, as so many other kids do as they come into themselves as people.
• 6:41
  Justin Alan Hayes: The weight I put on myself was quickly becoming too much to bear.
• 6:45
  Justin Alan Hayes: The growing pains, heavy and steamrolling every situation.
• 6:50
  Justin Alan Hayes: My attempts to control my feelings had effectively caused me to bury some emotions and feelings.
• 6:57
  Justin Alan Hayes: Looking behind my sports skills as my own way to feel validated, high school was approaching fast and furious.
• 7:07
  Justin Alan Hayes: The roller coaster ride I was not prepared to handle.