Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 369. I want to burn my life down and start again... again (Head Noise)

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369. I want to burn my life down and start again... again (Head Noise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful people, and welcome to Do You Fucking Mind?
0:17
Speaker 1: The podcast where we talk about all kinds of shit
0:20
Speaker 1: And when I say we, I'm talking about me talking
0:22
Speaker 1: to you. And in this episode, we're doing a head
0:26
Speaker 1: no noise episode. In this episode, I am answering your questions.
0:29
Speaker 1: If you are new to the podcast, you can send
0:32
Speaker 1: in your questions either by a voice note or by email.
0:36
Speaker 1: You can submit it on the website or you could
0:38
Speaker 1: write to info at dyfempod dot com at submit your questions.
0:43
Speaker 1: So in today's episode, I will be reading out the
0:46
Speaker 1: questions that have been submitted. I'm trying to make sure
0:48
Speaker 1: that I do it evenly between the voice messages that
0:51
Speaker 1: get sent in and the ones that are written, just
0:53
Speaker 1: because I know that some people would probably love to
0:56
Speaker 1: send a voice message in but maybe you don't feel
0:57
Speaker 1: comfortable or maybe it doesn't fit in the time limit
1:00
Speaker 1: the voice message. So we are going through the emails
1:05
Speaker 1: that I have received. Now, I receive so many, and
1:09
Speaker 1: there's I don't think I'll ever get through to all
1:11
Speaker 1: of them. So hopefully, if this is one of yours,
1:14
Speaker 1: I really hope that yeah, you're listening and you hear
1:16
Speaker 1: it and you get some kind of benefit from it.
1:20
Speaker 1: We're talking about this kind of like in laws. One
1:25
Speaker 1: of them's a great title it is, I want to
1:27
Speaker 1: burn my life down and start again again. So there's
1:32
Speaker 1: a lot going on, and hopefully, even if this is
1:34
Speaker 1: not your story, hopefully you can listen to this and
1:36
Speaker 1: be like, yeah, wow, I can totally relate or wow,
1:39
Speaker 1: like I could apply that to my life, even if
1:42
Speaker 1: it's not specifically what you're going through. Okay, So without
1:46
Speaker 1: further ado, let's get straight into it. I want to
1:51
Speaker 1: start with that one. Let's do it. I want to
1:53
Speaker 1: burn my life down and start again dot dot again.
1:57
Speaker 1: So obviously this has happened before. Hi, Alexis and shan
2:00
Speaker 1: love the hello to Shanaiah, she would be thrilled. I'm
2:03
Speaker 1: going to try and keep this succinct, but it warrants
2:05
Speaker 1: the context. Why am I unhappy in the perfect relationship?
2:10
Speaker 1: I'm twenty seven. I've been in my relationship for three
2:12
Speaker 1: years now. It's my first proper relationship. I absolutely adore
2:16
Speaker 1: my partner. He makes me so happy, his attentive, funny,
2:20
Speaker 1: endlessly caring. He puts in so much effort to make
2:23
Speaker 1: me laugh and create a cheerful day for us when
2:25
Speaker 1: we have conflict. He listens and soothes the situation, even
2:28
Speaker 1: if it's been stressful and upsetting. I've never been good
2:32
Speaker 1: with conflict or difficult conversations, but I'm realizing with him
2:35
Speaker 1: it's okay, and I'm learning to feel safe with conflict.
2:39
Speaker 1: I recently listened to Tyrone's episode on the pod, and
2:41
Speaker 1: my partner talks about me the same way Tyrone talks
2:44
Speaker 1: about you. So I know I have something incredibly special
2:47
Speaker 1: that's so beautiful. I moved around a lot, and looking
2:50
Speaker 1: back on all my moves, I realize I've been running.
2:54
Speaker 1: Oh this is getting juicy. I will live in a
2:57
Speaker 1: city for two to three years and then essentially burn
2:59
Speaker 1: my life down and reinvent myself in a new city, career,
3:03
Speaker 1: change it all. It's brought me such a beautiful sense
3:06
Speaker 1: of independence, adventure and makes me feel strong and unstoppable.
3:09
Speaker 1: I fucking feel you because I've done that a few
3:11
Speaker 1: times myself. I realized it's an unhealthy way to cope.
3:15
Speaker 1: It's what I've always done, and I'm learning it's and
3:19
Speaker 1: I'm learning it's informing my perspective on commitment. About eighteen
3:23
Speaker 1: months ago, I experienced so much grief. Within a few
3:26
Speaker 1: short months, two big deaths on the same day, one
3:28
Speaker 1: in my family, one in my partner's family that hit
3:31
Speaker 1: him incredibly hard. Burn out, a failing business, financial hardship,
3:35
Speaker 1: my parents had a scary and messy separation. In my
3:38
Speaker 1: past life, this would have been more than enough for
3:41
Speaker 1: me to pack up and leave again start over somewhere new.
3:44
Speaker 1: But this time, the life I have with my partner
3:46
Speaker 1: feels like too much to sacrifice. I definitely had the urge.
3:50
Speaker 1: It felt unnatural to stay and deal with all the
3:51
Speaker 1: pain then and there, but I did it. I stayed,
3:54
Speaker 1: and I worked through so much of the grief and
3:56
Speaker 1: suppressed a whole lot of it too. I went to
3:59
Speaker 1: therapy my partner and was the most supportive of this,
4:01
Speaker 1: quit my job and focused on healing. But that feeling
4:04
Speaker 1: has not gone completely away. My long distance best friend
4:07
Speaker 1: has recently moved across the world on her own. I
4:10
Speaker 1: am so inspired by it, and it's something I really
4:12
Speaker 1: wish I was in the position to do. Since we
4:15
Speaker 1: were teenagers, we haven't lived in the same city, so
4:17
Speaker 1: all our visits happen when plane, with plane flights and
4:20
Speaker 1: long drives involved. We only get to see each other
4:23
Speaker 1: for a few days every second year. It seems we've
4:25
Speaker 1: always dreamt of living in the same place again and
4:28
Speaker 1: having a normal best friendship where it's easy to grab
4:30
Speaker 1: a coffee and go for a walk or make dinner
4:32
Speaker 1: on a random weeknight together. I barely have a social
4:35
Speaker 1: life outside of her, partly by choice. I really struggle
4:39
Speaker 1: with the energy to maintain friendships, and I feel like
4:42
Speaker 1: my friendship with her satisfied most of my social needs.
4:45
Speaker 1: I also live in a small town and struggle to
4:47
Speaker 1: find people with similar goals and aspirations as most people
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Speaker 1: move away to achieve them. My partner has a deep
4:53
Speaker 1: abandonment wound. It's been a cause of conflict for us
4:56
Speaker 1: in the past. For example, when I went to visit
4:58
Speaker 1: my best friend for a few days, I was not
5:00
Speaker 1: good with my communication and I left him feeling neglected
5:02
Speaker 1: and forgotten about. It caused him an anxiety spiral that
5:06
Speaker 1: I was lying about where I was not even with
5:08
Speaker 1: my friend because he hadn't seen photos. He told me
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Speaker 1: he was worried my friend was trying to sabotage us
5:13
Speaker 1: and telling me to break up with him. We had
5:15
Speaker 1: a fight while I was away, and then spoke about
5:17
Speaker 1: it much more civilly when I returned. The next time
5:20
Speaker 1: I went away to visit my friend about two years later,
5:23
Speaker 1: our slash my communication was a lot better, and it
5:25
Speaker 1: made everything much more relaxed. Similar things have happened when
5:28
Speaker 1: I've been away for work, but we've also worked through that.
5:31
Speaker 1: On the contrary, I am very avoidant. That's why I
5:34
Speaker 1: move all over the place. I would much rather just
5:36
Speaker 1: avoid a conflict. I keep so much to myself and
5:38
Speaker 1: avoid being vulnerable. I feel like I lived so much
5:40
Speaker 1: of my life in my head. I would rather work
5:43
Speaker 1: through something alone and silently than fumble through something trying
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Speaker 1: to articulate my thoughts to someone who I fear won't
5:49
Speaker 1: understand or will be hurt by what I tried to share.
5:53
Speaker 1: I've been doing so much reflecting, and I've realized that
5:56
Speaker 1: there's no reason why I can't have this sense of
5:58
Speaker 1: adventure and independence while also maintaining a relationship. I could
6:02
Speaker 1: go on solo trips, etc. But at the same time,
6:04
Speaker 1: I don't want to treat my relationship like it's something
6:06
Speaker 1: I can just put on pause whenever I want to
6:09
Speaker 1: go off and have a solo adventure or experience. That's
6:11
Speaker 1: not fair, and my partner's abandonment wound worries me too.
6:15
Speaker 1: What will he think if I want to go overseas
6:17
Speaker 1: for a few weeks alone, just for fun and for
6:19
Speaker 1: no particular reason. Am I just bored by the stability
6:22
Speaker 1: and craving a big life choice spontaneity. The final point
6:26
Speaker 1: to all of this is how deeply I'm intertwined with
6:28
Speaker 1: his family. I've been living with him and his parents
6:31
Speaker 1: for a few years. They have become like my parents.
6:33
Speaker 1: His grandmother is the same, and his sister is one
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Speaker 1: of my closest friends, maybe the only non long distance
6:38
Speaker 1: friend I have. His family adore me. I've helped my
6:41
Speaker 1: partner become more grounded and helped his mental health a lot.
6:44
Speaker 1: He previously had quite a volatile mental health and has
6:46
Speaker 1: self diagnosed bi polar, which does manifest as outbursts. It
6:51
Speaker 1: still happens, but it has become much less frequent since
6:54
Speaker 1: I've been around. His family is so grateful and show
6:56
Speaker 1: their appreciation for my presence very often. I feel so
6:59
Speaker 1: incredibly loved them, and this is the first time I
7:01
Speaker 1: feel like I've had a proper supportive family who loved me.
7:04
Speaker 1: So my question is, what the hell do I do.
7:07
Speaker 1: I'm terrified of any decision I make to stay or leave,
7:09
Speaker 1: and I feel that to leave would be to cause
7:12
Speaker 1: so much pain, perhaps irreparable to him and his family.
7:15
Speaker 1: I really worry for his mental health. I also don't
7:18
Speaker 1: want to give up someone I love so deeply for
7:20
Speaker 1: a feeling that will probably be fleeting anyway. I feel
7:22
Speaker 1: so lost and I have no idea what to do.
7:25
Speaker 1: I feel very detached from a lot of what I
7:26
Speaker 1: used to identify by. I don't really know who I am.
7:30
Speaker 1: I have no passions to follow, and my intuition is quiet.
7:33
Speaker 1: Where in the past it's been so easy to know
7:35
Speaker 1: what I want. I have no goals and nowhere to go.
7:38
Speaker 1: I feel like all of this is because of the
7:40
Speaker 1: grief and not because of the relationship. I'm scared of
7:42
Speaker 1: both outcomes being the wrong choice. I feel disconnected from
7:45
Speaker 1: everything and spend most of my time feeling very numb
7:48
Speaker 1: to the good and the bad. All the suppressed grief
7:51
Speaker 1: is really taking a toll. I also feel like in
7:53
Speaker 1: some ways I'm addicted to sadness and stress and look
7:55
Speaker 1: for things to fall apart to give me an excuse
7:58
Speaker 1: to reattach to that misery. I'm hoping you can be
8:00
Speaker 1: my crystal ball and guide me because I'm unbelievably lost.
8:04
Speaker 1: I adore you and your podcast. You are true and
8:06
Speaker 1: truly God's give to us all. Thank you, Alexis. I'm
8:08
Speaker 1: so grateful for you. PS. I'm just starting how to
8:11
Speaker 1: chance change great. Okay, So this is this is a great, great,
8:15
Speaker 1: great question, and I know you gave a lot of context,
8:17
Speaker 1: but I think that's important for me to be able
8:20
Speaker 1: to like answer the position that you're in. So I
8:24
Speaker 1: there's a lot of things in your life that actually
8:26
Speaker 1: are quite similar to mine, and being one hundred percent
8:30
Speaker 1: dead honest, if I wasn't in a relationship with Tyrone,
8:35
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have gotten a dog. And there is a
8:38
Speaker 1: very big chance that right now I would be living overseas,
8:41
Speaker 1: not because I don't enjoy living in Australia. I love
8:43
Speaker 1: Australia and ultimately it's where I always see myself living
8:47
Speaker 1: long term, Like this is where I've always thought I'm
8:50
Speaker 1: going to be here long term. However, I have constantly
8:53
Speaker 1: got an urge to want to live overseas. So I
8:57
Speaker 1: feel you, now, how does that of play out that
9:00
Speaker 1: I'm in a relationship this is the first time I've
9:03
Speaker 1: ever felt like I've like set, like grounded myself, and
9:06
Speaker 1: I've got roots in a place, and I've actually purchased
9:09
Speaker 1: furniture that's not just like some secondhand thing that I
9:12
Speaker 1: can quickly just sell again. And I have possessions that's
9:14
Speaker 1: more just than just one suitcase. And you know, I'm
9:17
Speaker 1: with my partner, we have a home, we have a dog.
9:20
Speaker 1: So for me, what I do, and I'm going to
9:23
Speaker 1: address your partner in a second, is that I fulfill
9:27
Speaker 1: a lot of my desires by doing shorter trips. So
9:33
Speaker 1: last year I was away for one month to the
9:35
Speaker 1: US and I went with my cousin and one of
9:37
Speaker 1: my best friends, Tyrone, couldn't come, he was too busy
9:40
Speaker 1: with work. This year, I went to Well, I did
9:43
Speaker 1: go to Europe with Tyrone, but prior to that, I
9:45
Speaker 1: went to London, and then I spent three weeks in Paris,
9:47
Speaker 1: which is where I used to live. And I can,
9:50
Speaker 1: hand on my heart say that it really does feed
9:55
Speaker 1: that side of me that I crave so much, And
10:00
Speaker 1: I say to Tyrone all the time, I really want
10:02
Speaker 1: the two of us to be able to do a
10:04
Speaker 1: stinch overseas, whether it's six months and it doesn't have
10:07
Speaker 1: to be right now, but it's something that I really want,
10:09
Speaker 1: and he's fully on board. He's like, we need to
10:10
Speaker 1: have that enough future. I know how important it is
10:12
Speaker 1: to you. Traveling with you made me realize how much
10:14
Speaker 1: I would want that too. So it's something that we
10:16
Speaker 1: can align on definitely and something that we will have
10:19
Speaker 1: in our future. But what I'm saying to you is
10:22
Speaker 1: putting aside this abandonment things. I'm going to address that
10:25
Speaker 1: in a second. I think that you could actually not
10:28
Speaker 1: only get a lot of fulfillment from doing like even
10:31
Speaker 1: go and spend one month with your best friend. Don't
10:34
Speaker 1: travel to a million places, Just go to where your
10:36
Speaker 1: best friend is, be there for a month, and really
10:40
Speaker 1: get into a routine. Go grocery shopping together, cook together,
10:42
Speaker 1: watch movies together, go to like walks or fitness classes together.
10:46
Speaker 1: Just get into like a nice routine together and do
10:49
Speaker 1: that more regularly. Obviously, if your resources can afford you that,
10:54
Speaker 1: And I think that one of the major major things
10:56
Speaker 1: that's crucial is to get to a place where you
10:59
Speaker 1: can both do that for each other. When you are
11:03
Speaker 1: able to do these things that fulfilled you, you will
11:06
Speaker 1: start to discover passions, hobbies, you will start to that
11:10
Speaker 1: fire inside you will begin to light up again. You've
11:12
Speaker 1: gone through really hard eighteen months. You've gone through a
11:15
Speaker 1: lot of grief, and that is going to blunt a
11:18
Speaker 1: lot of life excitement for a lot of people. When
11:20
Speaker 1: you are suffering through a lot of emotional pain, it
11:23
Speaker 1: blunts your ability to be passionate or spontaneous or excited
11:28
Speaker 1: about a lot of things for a lot of people.
11:30
Speaker 1: Not everyone, but for a lot of people. And that
11:32
Speaker 1: will get better. But something like this, where traveling is
11:36
Speaker 1: such a major part of you, will make you feel
11:38
Speaker 1: like you are finding your spark, your flair again. Now,
11:43
Speaker 1: the important thing here is to be addressing how you
11:46
Speaker 1: can navigate this with your partner, because and I don't
11:50
Speaker 1: want to say what I'm about to say be interpreted
11:54
Speaker 1: the wrong way, but you always ultimately have to put
12:01
Speaker 1: your long, long, long term happiness, not just the happiness
12:04
Speaker 1: of right now, because I think the happiness of right
12:06
Speaker 1: now can be fleeting, but you got to think overall
12:08
Speaker 1: what's going to make for a satisfied life. I want
12:11
Speaker 1: to know that I am fulfilling my dreams. I want
12:13
Speaker 1: to know that I am really doing what I'm doing
12:15
Speaker 1: because if I don't, and if the reason I don't
12:18
Speaker 1: is because I don't want to upset my partner, and
12:23
Speaker 1: upsetting my partner, he's getting upset. And if we look
12:25
Speaker 1: at it coldly over something that's not rational. It's not
12:29
Speaker 1: rational because he was thinking that you were doing all
12:31
Speaker 1: these wrong things when you absolutely weren't. So it's an
12:33
Speaker 1: irrational fear that your partner has over you just existing
12:38
Speaker 1: and living your life and doing something that is really fulfilling.
12:40
Speaker 1: If you were to not do those things, I can
12:43
Speaker 1: guarantee you almost one hundred percent that you will resent
12:49
Speaker 1: him and your relationship in the future. Because relationships are
12:53
Speaker 1: not about who can I find to fit into my
12:56
Speaker 1: life that's going to mold, No, it's not a success.
13:00
Speaker 1: Relationship is where two people can really shine the most
13:04
Speaker 1: as individuals together and you can work together on things,
13:09
Speaker 1: but you're still an individual. You should never lose your
13:12
Speaker 1: sense of self and a huge part of you, Yes,
13:14
Speaker 1: you said you were running away whatever, but a huge
13:16
Speaker 1: part of you still crave is that adventure and the
13:18
Speaker 1: travel that's never going to go. I can tell you
13:21
Speaker 1: it's never going to fucking go. That's like a desire
13:24
Speaker 1: of yours to explore and to experience all these things,
13:27
Speaker 1: and that's amazing. That's such a nice thing to want
13:30
Speaker 1: and such a nice thing to have. So my main priority,
13:32
Speaker 1: if I were you, would be to get to the
13:34
Speaker 1: bottom of what's going on with you and your partner.
13:38
Speaker 1: I would say, this is something that we cannot avoid.
13:41
Speaker 1: I'm an avoid you are anxiously attached. We need to
13:45
Speaker 1: figure out how we can both come to the table
13:48
Speaker 1: and make this thing work. Because if they're I need
13:50
Speaker 1: to communicate better, that's for sure. I need to learn
13:53
Speaker 1: how we're going to do that. We need to come
13:54
Speaker 1: up with a strategy when I'm away of how I
13:56
Speaker 1: can communicate in a way that works for both of us.
13:59
Speaker 1: But you also need to be doing certain things, whether
14:02
Speaker 1: that be therapy, whether that be reading up on it,
14:05
Speaker 1: learning about what it is that you're experiencing. Because I
14:07
Speaker 1: can't not experience these big experiences in my life because
14:11
Speaker 1: you are anxiously attached. That is not fair and that
14:14
Speaker 1: is indirectly controlling me. And now I also don't want
14:18
Speaker 1: to feel like I now have a huge sense of
14:20
Speaker 1: guilt when I'm not doing anything wrong. Okay, So if
14:24
Speaker 1: my partner was extremely anxiously attached. I would be doing
14:28
Speaker 1: everything under the sun to be like, we're going to
14:30
Speaker 1: work this out because I'm not not going to travel,
14:32
Speaker 1: because then all that's gonna achieve is me being pissed
14:35
Speaker 1: off that I haven't traveled and resenting you, so we
14:38
Speaker 1: still don't win. I've got a good friend of mine
14:40
Speaker 1: who she was literally on the cusp of ending her relationship.
14:46
Speaker 1: Not because she didn't love her partner. She adored her partner,
14:48
Speaker 1: but she was like that where she's like, I have
14:50
Speaker 1: to move to another city. I have to experience this thing.
14:53
Speaker 1: If I don't experience it, I just I don't think
14:55
Speaker 1: I'll be happy. I have to do it. It's this knowing,
14:58
Speaker 1: and he kind of saw that in her, and he
15:01
Speaker 1: said to her, you know what, I can't move right
15:03
Speaker 1: now work workwise, So I think you should go because
15:07
Speaker 1: I think that if you stay, he said, I think
15:10
Speaker 1: if you go, we might survive as a relationship long
15:14
Speaker 1: distance and then see what happens after that. We might not,
15:17
Speaker 1: but if you stay, then we will not survive and
15:21
Speaker 1: we will end up breaking up, and then you're still
15:23
Speaker 1: going to end up going. So he kind of saw
15:25
Speaker 1: that this was a major need for her. So he
15:27
Speaker 1: was like, you need to go and do this thing
15:28
Speaker 1: because I know how much it matters to your happiness.
15:31
Speaker 1: So she moved and six months later and he was
15:34
Speaker 1: coming to visit her. It was in the same country.
15:36
Speaker 1: He was coming to visit her all the time. Whatever.
15:38
Speaker 1: And then he was like, I see, I see it,
15:41
Speaker 1: I see it. You're thriving here. You fucking love it.
15:43
Speaker 1: I'm going to apply for a job here. And and
15:45
Speaker 1: now they're the most successful couple you've ever seen. They're thriving.
15:48
Speaker 1: So every single couple has its own rules. I think
15:52
Speaker 1: it's really important to So for example, my mother in
15:56
Speaker 1: law or future mother in law said to me the
15:57
Speaker 1: other day, she was like, do you think there's many
15:59
Speaker 1: men that would be so like relaxed with you going
16:02
Speaker 1: on these one month trips all the time. And she says,
16:04
Speaker 1: and I don't mean this in disrespect you, because I
16:05
Speaker 1: love that you do it, But how do you think
16:07
Speaker 1: And I said, no, I know that a lot of
16:09
Speaker 1: people would not find that easy. And that's one of
16:12
Speaker 1: the things that I really value the most in our
16:14
Speaker 1: relationship that we can do that. And if Tyrone ever
16:17
Speaker 1: needed to go somewhere away for a month. I would wholeheartedly.
16:20
Speaker 1: Not only would I want to support that, but I
16:22
Speaker 1: would need to support that because he's been like that
16:24
Speaker 1: with me. So basically, yeah, really, it just comes down
16:29
Speaker 1: to identifying what your need is, and that is to
16:32
Speaker 1: go on adventures and to travel. You need to do it.
16:34
Speaker 1: You fucking need to do it. And now you're looking
16:36
Speaker 1: at how do we make this work for our relationship?
16:38
Speaker 1: Because everyone's got their own rules. You can make it work,
16:40
Speaker 1: all right. It doesn't have to mean that you need
16:42
Speaker 1: to end the relationship. Absolutely not. That's what I would do.
16:46
Speaker 1: Hopefully that helped. Next question boyfriend help, sister in law
17:21
Speaker 1: problems and strategies. I'm loving these these titles. Hi Alexis
17:28
Speaker 1: and the DYFM team, I need your opinion and help.
17:31
Speaker 1: Long story short, I've been with my partner for over
17:33
Speaker 1: a year now. We have known each other for around
17:35
Speaker 1: four years. This year has been hard. I've had a
17:37
Speaker 1: falling out with my partner's twin brother's girlfriend and this
17:41
Speaker 1: has led to the brother also not liking me. I've
17:44
Speaker 1: tried countless times to fix this situation. I've tried apologizing
17:47
Speaker 1: in person. She didn't have a bar offit. I apologized
17:50
Speaker 1: of a messenger. Her response was honestly, so hopeful and unkind.
17:53
Speaker 1: I blocked her because I was so upset about how
17:56
Speaker 1: nasty her message was. We go to family and friend
17:58
Speaker 1: events where we just totally ignore each other. This is
18:01
Speaker 1: so out of character for me, but her reactions and
18:04
Speaker 1: how she treats me when I do try to talk
18:06
Speaker 1: to her just give me so much anxiety. It's better
18:09
Speaker 1: to just not talk. A few weeks ago, for the
18:11
Speaker 1: Grand Final of the NRL, we were all together at
18:14
Speaker 1: a pub with friends, and again we ignored each other.
18:16
Speaker 1: It's gotten to a point where I've had enough. I
18:19
Speaker 1: had I have sent her a message on Facebook again
18:22
Speaker 1: to try and put this behind us, and that I'm
18:24
Speaker 1: going to be making an effort to talk to her.
18:26
Speaker 1: She hasn't replied. This is an issue on its own,
18:29
Speaker 1: but it's causing not only my self stress but my partner.
18:32
Speaker 1: We're both constantly thinking about it. He has been so
18:35
Speaker 1: upset by this that it's turning into anger and frustration.
18:38
Speaker 1: To be honest with you, I don't know exactly why
18:41
Speaker 1: she has such an issue with me. It has stemmed
18:43
Speaker 1: from me telling her boyfriend, my partner's twin, to do
18:47
Speaker 1: his own washing and calling the bathroom small, which I
18:50
Speaker 1: honestly don't remember. I'm not sure what that means. I'm
18:53
Speaker 1: not a mean person, and I definitely and I'm definitely
18:56
Speaker 1: blunt and straight to the point, but I'm very kind
18:57
Speaker 1: and fair. My partner doesn't know how to fix it
19:00
Speaker 1: and is upset with his brother. Their relationship has taken
19:04
Speaker 1: a hit, and it's also affecting us, but I don't
19:06
Speaker 1: think he wants to admit it. So any points to
19:09
Speaker 1: help dealing with her and the brother and trying to
19:11
Speaker 1: mend the relationship in ours because it's really taken a hit.
19:14
Speaker 1: The next thing is that my partner and his family
19:16
Speaker 1: aren't great at communicating. It's not like my family. The
19:20
Speaker 1: stress has been internalized for my partner, and he's also
19:22
Speaker 1: had a stressful job with time frames, and he's building
19:24
Speaker 1: a house that's been so hard, such hard work that
19:27
Speaker 1: it's insane. The company is so horrible. My partner struggles
19:30
Speaker 1: with communication. He's gotten a lot better since we've been together,
19:33
Speaker 1: but he still struggles. It's to the point that his
19:35
Speaker 1: bucket is filling with issues that he can't solve, and
19:39
Speaker 1: then he just explodes. Any tips on how to help
19:41
Speaker 1: him become better at communicating on things that help him
19:44
Speaker 1: open up and help with internal stress. The last thing
19:47
Speaker 1: is to do with me. I put a lot of
19:49
Speaker 1: pressure on my boyfriend. I know I'm very demanding and intense,
19:52
Speaker 1: which I'm aware of and going to try and be
19:54
Speaker 1: more considerate. I've come from a past long term relationship
19:56
Speaker 1: where i wasn't treated the best, and I've had a
19:59
Speaker 1: lot of anxiety that have Eventually my current partner is
20:01
Speaker 1: going to do the same and treat me so bad
20:03
Speaker 1: that it pushes me away and I leave. I've spoken
20:05
Speaker 1: to my current partner about the future to have and
20:08
Speaker 1: to have conversations, but he struggles to make plans for
20:11
Speaker 1: the future. He says he wants to get married and
20:13
Speaker 1: have kids with me, but when I talk to him
20:14
Speaker 1: about a ring or moving in together, he says it
20:17
Speaker 1: freaks him out. To me, this makes me feel like
20:19
Speaker 1: he's unsure, and I'm struggling to understand how this freaks
20:22
Speaker 1: him out. I'm worried that he's going to turn around
20:25
Speaker 1: and break up with me because of this unsurreness that
20:28
Speaker 1: he has. I feel like you should know if you
20:30
Speaker 1: want to spend the rest of your life with someone
20:32
Speaker 1: and if you are unsure, then you should let them
20:35
Speaker 1: go and not dangle them until you're ready. I'm so
20:38
Speaker 1: sure of him, I knew he was the one. Being
20:40
Speaker 1: together for two weeks. The thought of breaking up kills me.
20:43
Speaker 1: Any thoughts and opinions, please and thank you. All right,
20:46
Speaker 1: one thing I'm going to address the most the last one. First.
20:50
Speaker 1: The thing is that you're saying, if you're so sure,
20:52
Speaker 1: if you're not sure, you should let them go. But
20:55
Speaker 1: that would require a certainty. Right to let someone go
20:57
Speaker 1: require certainty. So you're the one who's sure. And if
21:02
Speaker 1: you are so sure that he's the one, and you're
21:04
Speaker 1: sure that he should be letting you go, then that's
21:07
Speaker 1: maybe a sign for you to walk away. But obviously
21:09
Speaker 1: you're not going to do that. But I'm just saying
21:11
Speaker 1: that you can't be saying, well, if you're unsure you
21:13
Speaker 1: should be doing this. You've got to take the reins.
21:15
Speaker 1: You've got to be in control. This is your relationship,
21:17
Speaker 1: this is your future. If you think that someone's stringing
21:20
Speaker 1: you along, wasting your fucking time, good for now, but
21:23
Speaker 1: not good for the future. That kind of vibe you
21:26
Speaker 1: can't be like, well, when are you gonna dup me,
21:27
Speaker 1: then where are you gonna dup me? Take the reins
21:29
Speaker 1: and walk the fuck away If that's actually how you
21:31
Speaker 1: feel is going on with the future. Now, when someone
21:33
Speaker 1: says that they freak out, that isn't necessarily an indicator
21:39
Speaker 1: that they don't want to have that future. I don't
21:43
Speaker 1: know how many times I've said to Tyrone that the
21:45
Speaker 1: thought of children fucking terrifies me. That doesn't mean that
21:49
Speaker 1: it's not something that we would want. But it's me
21:53
Speaker 1: being honest with him. It's me being really transparent, transparent
21:57
Speaker 1: because I want him to know how I would feel
22:00
Speaker 1: about what parenting would look like, what the dynamic would
22:03
Speaker 1: be between us, what I feel like. It's really important
22:05
Speaker 1: to talk about what this is like. If it's not
22:11
Speaker 1: children aside, if it's committing to you that freaks him out,
22:15
Speaker 1: then you've got to ask, is there a version of
22:17
Speaker 1: your life that you are waiting for or thought that
22:21
Speaker 1: you would have and it's not it and you're kind
22:23
Speaker 1: of coming to terms with maybe your life is going
22:25
Speaker 1: in a different way. Is that why you're freaking out?
22:27
Speaker 1: Because a lot of people will be stuck on a
22:30
Speaker 1: certain version of their life that they think they should
22:32
Speaker 1: have had and it's not necessarily a stab at their partner,
22:35
Speaker 1: but it's like they had this vision for themselves and
22:37
Speaker 1: they feel like time is passing them by. And I'm
22:40
Speaker 1: not saying this is just your partner, but what happens
22:43
Speaker 1: is that they then put everything on hold. They put
22:45
Speaker 1: their relationship on hold, they put potentially starting a family,
22:49
Speaker 1: potentially you know, getting married or whatever, because they're like,
22:52
Speaker 1: this is this what my life is now? Or would
22:55
Speaker 1: it go in this other way? They're kind of unsure
22:56
Speaker 1: with the trajectory of their life. Now. When someone is
22:59
Speaker 1: in that position, it's very difficult to make a decision.
23:02
Speaker 1: So the decision is going to be on you. You're the
23:04
Speaker 1: one that has to make the call. And I know
23:06
Speaker 1: it's hard because you said you're so sure. You've been
23:08
Speaker 1: sure since you know, basically day one, and the thought
23:11
Speaker 1: of breaking up kills you. But you've got to be
23:13
Speaker 1: very very very very very clear on what it is
23:15
Speaker 1: that you want for your life and are you going
23:17
Speaker 1: to get it out of this relationship. Okay, Now, the
23:20
Speaker 1: thing about communicating, You've got to understand that you can't
23:25
Speaker 1: control other people. We're talking about not just him, but
23:28
Speaker 1: his entire family and all the issues that are arising
23:30
Speaker 1: out of that. Okay, if there's an issue with communicating,
23:34
Speaker 1: it's not only going to be hard for them to
23:37
Speaker 1: resolve issues within the family, but it's going to be
23:39
Speaker 1: difficult for you to be resolving issues within the family
23:42
Speaker 1: as well. And then you're bringing in in laws as well.
23:45
Speaker 1: So his brother's girlfriend, you know, has an issue. If
23:49
Speaker 1: I was in that position and I had already tried
23:52
Speaker 1: to rectify it with the girlfriend, and I had already
23:55
Speaker 1: tried to do my best with that, then genuinely what
23:58
Speaker 1: I would do is I would say to my partner,
24:00
Speaker 1: I am done, you know, contributing to this conflict between
24:07
Speaker 1: you and your brother. I don't want this to form
24:09
Speaker 1: any kind of divide between you and your brother. I've apologized,
24:12
Speaker 1: I've literally done everything under the sun, And if they
24:13
Speaker 1: don't want to come to the table, then that's perfectly fine.
24:16
Speaker 1: But from now on, I'm going to not go to
24:19
Speaker 1: every single family event. I'll go to the main ones
24:22
Speaker 1: where it's you know, like with the family and whatever.
24:24
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be trying to approach someone. Also, like,
24:27
Speaker 1: if someone doesn't want me approaching them, I'm not going
24:29
Speaker 1: to make their life difficult and approach them. I just
24:30
Speaker 1: don't think that's fair. Whether they're being rational or not,
24:32
Speaker 1: I don't think it's fair for me, Like, hey, I'm
24:34
Speaker 1: still going to try. I'm going to put in the effort. No,
24:36
Speaker 1: if someone's made it clear that they don't want you
24:38
Speaker 1: approaching them, whether it's mean or not, it doesn't matter,
24:41
Speaker 1: get out of their face. Honestly, you're not doing yourself
24:43
Speaker 1: any favors. So I would just less is more in
24:46
Speaker 1: this situation. I've done what I can do from here.
24:48
Speaker 1: I'm going to put in no more effort. And it's
24:51
Speaker 1: not out of like pride or out of spite, it's
24:53
Speaker 1: out of like preservation for the future. And then I
24:56
Speaker 1: would also encourage my partner to hang up with his
25:00
Speaker 1: brother one on one. Okay, if they are close, then
25:04
Speaker 1: they will want to do that, and they will want
25:06
Speaker 1: to nurture that relationship. If they only want to hang
25:08
Speaker 1: out when the whole family is together, then that's an
25:10
Speaker 1: indication that the brothers aren't really that close and they've
25:13
Speaker 1: just got a flawed communication style. And when you are
25:16
Speaker 1: with someone who doesn't know how to communicate, who struggles
25:19
Speaker 1: to communicate, you are going to deal with this for
25:22
Speaker 1: a very for the rest of your life. Okay, he's
25:24
Speaker 1: got to want to change how he communicates, and he's
25:27
Speaker 1: also got to want to change how he deals with
25:31
Speaker 1: drama within the family. Because if he doesn't want to
25:33
Speaker 1: do that, and if he doesn't want to change, then
25:35
Speaker 1: you've got to decide, am I willing to put up
25:37
Speaker 1: with this or not? Okay, but I personally would do less.
25:40
Speaker 1: You're doing too much. I'd pull it right back. I've
25:43
Speaker 1: done what I can do. I'm fucking done. I'm not
25:45
Speaker 1: going to give any more energy to this. She's not
25:47
Speaker 1: even your friend. So it is what it is. That's
25:51
Speaker 1: what I would do. Hi, Alexis, First of all, I
25:55
Speaker 1: just wanted to say that I'm a longtime Lessener. You've
25:57
Speaker 1: got me through some super tricky parts of my life
26:00
Speaker 1: life and that I've experienced and been in absolute rock.
26:02
Speaker 1: I'm listening to your podcast daily. So my question is,
26:06
Speaker 1: I'm finding myself having a lot of anxiety around my
26:08
Speaker 1: career and finding what drives me and my passion. So
26:11
Speaker 1: I went to university and got a degree and now
26:14
Speaker 1: I'm working within that field, and I've had multiple different
26:16
Speaker 1: jobs within that field and currently just feel very unsettled
26:20
Speaker 1: and I'm also finding that I have quite a bit
26:22
Speaker 1: of anxiety and that I'm just taking a lot on
26:25
Speaker 1: board and bringing it home with me. I just have
26:27
Speaker 1: a gut feeling that this job isn't for me, and
26:29
Speaker 1: I haven't even made it to the one year mark
26:31
Speaker 1: and feel super guilty around leaving because the people I
26:34
Speaker 1: work with are awesome, but I rarely see them. I
26:37
Speaker 1: want to leave, but I'm not too sure where to next,
26:41
Speaker 1: whether it's changing careers or trying something different. I want
26:44
Speaker 1: to look after my mental health and my emotional health,
26:47
Speaker 1: and at the moment, I just feel like I have
26:49
Speaker 1: nothing left to give to the people that I love
26:51
Speaker 1: when I get home at the end of my day.
26:53
Speaker 1: My job is emotionally draining. I'm also in my late
26:55
Speaker 1: twenties and just feeling a lot of pressure to figure
26:58
Speaker 1: my shit out. Basically, your advice on navigating this would
27:01
Speaker 1: be greatly appreciated. Thank you for everything that you do.
27:05
Speaker 1: That's a really, really good question, and I think it's
27:07
Speaker 1: something that a lot of people like grapple with or
27:09
Speaker 1: battle with, and it's this idea of I've done the study,
27:14
Speaker 1: I've entered into this career. It's the job that I
27:16
Speaker 1: thought I wanted. There's several aspects that I like, but
27:19
Speaker 1: I'm not happy. And what a lot of people do
27:23
Speaker 1: is they think, well, if I quit now, it would
27:27
Speaker 1: have been a waste, okay. But what we don't, what
27:31
Speaker 1: we don't acknowledge consciously when we're feeling that way, is
27:36
Speaker 1: this sunk cost fallacy, this idea that unless it's a
27:39
Speaker 1: loss for sure, then I haven't realized the loss. So,
27:43
Speaker 1: in other words, until the day I quit, I haven't
27:46
Speaker 1: technically given it up. So it's not a loss yet, right.
27:50
Speaker 1: It's only a realized cost or a realized loss when
27:54
Speaker 1: I've pulled the pin on the thing. So we have
27:57
Speaker 1: this delusion, and we all do it. I'll do everyone
27:59
Speaker 1: does it to an extent some way more than others.
28:03
Speaker 1: That if we just stay in it, whether it's romantically,
28:06
Speaker 1: whether it's in a job, whether it's whatever it is gambling,
28:09
Speaker 1: but you just keep putting money in because until I
28:10
Speaker 1: leave the casino, it's not really a realized loss. Right,
28:14
Speaker 1: So until I really pull the pin, I can sit
28:17
Speaker 1: thinking like, well, maybe maybe not. But what you've got
28:20
Speaker 1: to come to terms with is the loss has happened.
28:24
Speaker 1: The year spent studying is gone, and done. Whether you
28:27
Speaker 1: stay in the career or not, that time is gone.
28:29
Speaker 1: The loss has already happened. Whether you stay or whether
28:34
Speaker 1: you leave, you don't recover that time back. You don't
28:38
Speaker 1: recover the effort, the energy. And that's not a bad thing.
28:42
Speaker 1: I don't think anything's ever an absolute loss or a
28:45
Speaker 1: waste ever. But what I'm saying is that, regardless of
28:48
Speaker 1: your choice, you're not going to recover the past. Now
28:51
Speaker 1: you could look and say, yeah, but Alexis at least
28:53
Speaker 1: those years can be used into my career. Now now
28:55
Speaker 1: I've got to go and study somewhere else. This is
28:57
Speaker 1: where you need to weigh up. What do I value more?
29:00
Speaker 1: Is my job just don't love it that much? But
29:03
Speaker 1: there's something else that I think that I could really
29:05
Speaker 1: be happy doing. And if the answer is yes, and
29:08
Speaker 1: if that thing that you could really be happy doing
29:10
Speaker 1: is within your grasp, then I would one hundred percent
29:13
Speaker 1: recommend you do that, because what's worse than where you're
29:16
Speaker 1: sitting right now is to be sitting where you are
29:18
Speaker 1: right now in five or ten years time, because you
29:23
Speaker 1: I can bet it will be looking back thinking why
29:27
Speaker 1: didn't I quit one year in? Why did I wait
29:30
Speaker 1: five years? Why did I wait ten Not only will
29:32
Speaker 1: you feel like you did waste that time because you
29:35
Speaker 1: knew you wanted to leave back then, but you're also
29:38
Speaker 1: going to feel like you're just even like further back.
29:41
Speaker 1: It's different if you like, loved your career for ten years,
29:44
Speaker 1: and then at the ten year mark, you're like, I've
29:45
Speaker 1: milked that career, I've done what I can do, I've
29:48
Speaker 1: experienced everything that is to experience. I'm ready for something else.
29:51
Speaker 1: Then you never look at it as a waste. But
29:53
Speaker 1: where you are right now, you're at a crossroad of
29:55
Speaker 1: being like, do I want to stay where I'm at
29:58
Speaker 1: because there's some good things in it, but knowing that
30:01
Speaker 1: it's not what I like, knowing it's not my thing,
30:04
Speaker 1: and then get to five or ten years later being like,
30:07
Speaker 1: oh my fucking god, I'd imagine my where I could
30:10
Speaker 1: be now had I pulled the pin when I knew
30:13
Speaker 1: I should be pulling the pin versus doing this now. Now.
30:17
Speaker 1: You might not know where you want to go, but
30:19
Speaker 1: I can guarantee you that the action of quitting and
30:24
Speaker 1: even getting a temporary thing in the meantime is going
30:27
Speaker 1: to really inspire you and push you to try new things.
30:30
Speaker 1: And to get creative and to start brainstorming for your life.
30:33
Speaker 1: I think it's really terrifying to pull the pin, but
30:35
Speaker 1: you could be doing. Look, I don't know what industry
30:37
Speaker 1: you're in, and I don't know what your skill set is,
30:40
Speaker 1: but you could pull the pin on something that's so
30:42
Speaker 1: high stress, get a job that's less stressful in the meantime,
30:46
Speaker 1: or change careers if that's an option for you, and
30:50
Speaker 1: start to see what sticks. Okay, I know, people, I've
30:53
Speaker 1: got one of my best friends. She has changed jobs
30:56
Speaker 1: almost every year for the last I want to say,
31:00
Speaker 1: six years, because she's just not found her right thing,
31:03
Speaker 1: not found her right thing. And she was like, oh
31:04
Speaker 1: my god, I'm such a flake I never hold And
31:06
Speaker 1: I'm like, give it better that than being miserable in
31:08
Speaker 1: a job. Now she's in a position where like it's
31:11
Speaker 1: literally she's in like the best fucking job ever. She's like,
31:14
Speaker 1: I am never leaving. This is so amazing, right, but
31:17
Speaker 1: sometimes it takes a bit of chopping and changing, And
31:19
Speaker 1: do you think she has any regrets? Now? Now she's like,
31:21
Speaker 1: thank fuck, I did what I needed to do to
31:24
Speaker 1: get me to a place where I'm truly fulfilled and happy.
31:27
Speaker 1: Doing what I love, but also in a stress free
31:30
Speaker 1: environment where I have so many freedoms. So I think
31:33
Speaker 1: that my answer, if I were you, I'd pull the
31:37
Speaker 1: fucking pin straight away. There's no If this is affecting
31:41
Speaker 1: your mental health, you know you don't want to be there.
31:44
Speaker 1: The only thing that you said was good about this
31:46
Speaker 1: job with the people in it. You could still see
31:48
Speaker 1: these people outside of the job. If they're good enough
31:51
Speaker 1: to be your friends at work, why can't why not
31:53
Speaker 1: out of work? You know, so I wouldn't be I
31:56
Speaker 1: wouldn't make a decision based on people in your workplace. Ever,
31:59
Speaker 1: it's not. That's not a good enough reason because you
32:01
Speaker 1: can always see those people outside. Hopefully that's helped. Guys.
32:06
Speaker 1: That is all for today. Thank you for listening and
32:11
Speaker 1: keep sending in. There were longer questions, so I only
32:14
Speaker 1: got through three today, but keep sending in your questions
32:17
Speaker 1: info at dyfmpod dot com. I love reading them. I
32:21
Speaker 1: try to get through as many as I can, but
32:23
Speaker 1: obviously sometimes I can't get through all of them, so
32:25
Speaker 1: I still appreciate you sending them through. Love you guys
32:28
Speaker 1: so much. As always, remember be kind to yourself, be
32:30
Speaker 1: kind to your brain. Don't take shit from anyone, and
32:32
Speaker 1: especially don't take shit from yourself. Dun'tk E