Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S5 Ep19: Tomboy Swagger, Adult Humor 🤣

Transcript

S5 Ep19: Tomboy Swagger, Adult Humor 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of people don't know where I get my confidence from.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, how does this fat bitch do it, right?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, easy, Dad, it's my birthday.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Calm it down.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's not always about you.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like any good comedian, I did have a rough childhood growing up, you know?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I'm so good at this.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Trauma making fun.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: I did a crazy first.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: I had a crazy dad growing up, and for whatever reason, whenever I tell people I had a crazy dad, they always want to tell me about their dad, and their dad's never that crazy, you know?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, oh yeah, my dad's crazy.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: He drinks soda with no ice.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like he's crazy.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: But my dad was like, crazy, you know, like my dad came at me with a sledgehammer, tried to build a bomb to blow me and my mom up.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: I was raised by wily fucking coyote, okay?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like my first words were meep.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: It was very exciting in the Morales household.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't want you guys to feel bad.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: Don't tighten up, don't feel bad, because I figured out a way to thwart my dad.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: What I would do is I would paint a tunnel on the wall, run through it, and then he would get hit by a train.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: It was hilarious.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: You know, well-adjusted families play catch.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: We play catch the train.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Same shit.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: When you're raised by crazy, you get some of it.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: I call it trickle-down crazy nomics.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta scosh, sure.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Some kids get trust funds, baby.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: I just got the issues.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: But they are trust fund size.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: Know that I could build generational wealth with the amount of uh trust I don't have in any of you people.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm also abroad.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: If you didn't pick up on it yet, um a chick, she, her, whatever word you want to use.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm very bad at it, obviously, because I just referred to myself as a broad.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: Not a lot of chicks doing that.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: But I am a chick.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm very bad at it.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: I've been trying to fem it up, you know, like I started washing my hair, I stopped wearing cleats, I'm working on it, you know?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Just always been this way.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's what a grown-up tomboy looks like, you know?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: And uh for what some reason I always thought that there was something wrong with me.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I always thought that there was like something that didn't feel right, and it turns out there is.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: I got this stuff called the polycystic ovarian syndrome.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Please don't fall asleep.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Very boring stuff.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: But all it means is that my body just naturally makes way too much estrogen, the female hormone, right?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: And then it compensates with testosterone.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm such a chick, I'm a fucking dude, dude.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm OD on that gender right now, bruh.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm all of you put together, and to be honest, it's a lot.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: It is.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's like an ongoing Twitter feed.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Both sides are yelling, one just in a wig, but they're both Michael Rappaport for some reason, you know?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what the hell am I getting yelled at for?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: I've never even been to Long Island.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: She said alone to herself in a grocery store bathroom, it's a lot.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's almost like my body decided to start chemically transitioning and didn't let a bitch know.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm idling right at about 25% guy, right?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: Which is just enough.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: Just enough to give you some sweet sideburns.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, dude, I could connect if I want to.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Sweet sideburns.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: Sweet sideburns and no boyfriend, baby, because I don't know if you guys know this, but straight guys don't like banging other guys.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the vibe mama gives off, you know, that high tea makes you go about it the wrong way.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like I thought I was supposed to nutcheck you until you fell in love with me.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I thought.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I thought I was supposed to be doing.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, just bullying the love of my life, you know?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Just nuggying my way into your heart.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like, when are you gonna marry me, you fucking nerd?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, turns out guys like it when you're nice to them.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Bunch of pussies.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: I had no idea.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Sack up, bro.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: Just trying to make out.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: Quit crying, dude.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: Damn.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: I like to look at the audience when I perform, and I do feel like some of you are having a good time.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: But we got a lot of Indica motherfuckers in here, too.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: You guys need to.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: But I do, I like to look at people in the face.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: That was one thing I got tired of getting asked.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: What'd you learn about yourself after everything we've been through?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what'd you learn about you?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what'd you learn about yourself?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: And all I learned is that this is it for me, kids.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's all I learned.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: I learned that I am the celloist on this Titanic baby.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: And no, it was a pleasure playing for all of you, and I will be playing my symphony of dick jokes till we're all fucking dead.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I learned.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: So I love to look at people in the face when I perform.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: I love seeing you happy, smiling, having a good time.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: It makes me feel good, you know?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: We're we're jerking each other off here.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's nice.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: But for some reason, there's a certain kind of dude that refuses to enjoy me, and I don't know why.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if it's because I come off a little too assertive on stage, you know, maybe instinctually.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: They just know if we shared a jail cell, mama gets the bottom bunk, bitch.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe that's what it is.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe that's what it is.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: But they always watch me perform the same way.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: They always got their arms crossed, furrowed brow.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: They won't laugh, they grumble at me, you know?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: You know what it is?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: They watch me perform like I'm suspicious.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what am I up to, dude?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: This is silly shit.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: What are you talking about?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: But it's always, they look at me the same way.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: They're always like, hmm, she looks like one of those equality bitches.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like that kind of that kind of look, that kind of I don't know.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: She looks like she rapes back.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know about this bitch.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: You're not entirely wrong, but I think it's the high T, baby.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's not me.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: When you're raised by crazy, you get some of it.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: You also attract it, too.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Lucky for me, I'm attracted to crazy, so that's nice.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's true.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like uh, you know, everybody's got their category.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: Some people like feet, some people like to dress up like chickens.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody's got their thing, you know?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: My thing is a sad dude.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: I love a sad dude.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I love living in Los Angeles, baby.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, how those dreams working out, baby, huh?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: No, you're not a barista, you're a screenwriter.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, you are.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, you are.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, come cry on these soft titties.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Everything's gonna be okay.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: What, you guys don't hang outside of NA meetings?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you look like you got no place to go, but down, baby.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: What's up?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: I just wanna be their ock dear rock bottom.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: They like me back too.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's because my milkshag brings the sad boys to the yard, and they're like, I just can't do this today, I just can't do it.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: Just gonna watch the office for four days straight and not shower.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh, yeah, you are.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: Give me that Paxel dick! That's my favorite laugh out of the whole joke.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because the people that laughed have scissored a grown man.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I'm talking about.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Some of you seem confused.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: And the antidepressants make their dick not work, sir.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: So you just gotta rub it on there.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like, give it to me!
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't give a shit.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Rub it on there.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Rub it on there, look at me in the eyes, you look at me on the eyes.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: You wanna make them feel wanted.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of saddies in here, really soaking it in.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Hey.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: You make about 200 bucks an hour.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: I worked about eight hours last year, so it's a give and take, you know, a lot of ups and downs, baby.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of swings, just like poker, real fun and unpredictable.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: I cry a lot, you know.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: There's perks to it, that's probably my favorite, you know, uh perks.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Because uh my favorite perk's probably traveling, because I just get to go places and uh fuck strangers, and then leave.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's amazing, especially for a chick with commitment issues like I got, you know what I mean?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because I just come into town, be charming and fun, pleasurable company will ensue.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, all right, later I gotta go back to LA.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, wait, no, don't leave.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, you don't want me to chase my dreams?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: And then they're the assholes.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: See how nice?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's a pretty sweet setup.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: True.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think uh the other reason I I think I have uh so much confidence is this is speculative, uh, but I'll share this.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I think the reason that I have so much confidence is at this point I am one of seven women that don't have HPV.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's what it is.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: I do.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: And by the way, if you got it, I'm not knocking ya.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: If anything, I feel left out at this point because everybody's got it, and they always got a fun story about how it happened.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: I was hanging out with a group of friends, and two of my friends were going back and forth about how they got it.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like one of them made it cooler than the other.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what it was like.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like an adorable little slut off was happening.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, what, bitch?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: No, I fucked a white guy with dreads 2016 Coachella.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: I am disgusting, okay?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, whatever whore, you think that's bad.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: I fucked my assistant manager in the freezer of a little Caesars, okay?
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Screw you.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just there, like, guys, I I I fucked you.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: I just fuck nerds.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: You know, they're safer.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: Statistically, because the numbers lower just fucking singing calculated risk, you know?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: But I think it's like an energy thing.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know some people have big dick energy or whatever.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: I think I just got that clean pussy confidence.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's all it is.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm just walking around knowing what I'm slinging.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's all.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it sucks because I have AIDS, but I feel like that's different.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's different.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's an immune system thing.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: My immune system's dirty, my pussy's really clean.