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The Transformation of Tim Lodgen: A Story of Survival and Advocacy · Surviving-ISH Podcast

0:00
Speaker 1: Hello everybody, my name is David Keck and this is Surviving Abuse Podcast.
0:05
Speaker 1: You took what I thought I could never get back.
0:35
Speaker 1: I'll clean all the onto the air.
0:37
Speaker 1: I'll roll down just to begin again.
0:43
Speaker 2: I'll never be any longer.
0:44
Speaker 2: I'm back, I can't look good.
0:49
Speaker 2: Kiss in the back, goodbye, now I'm back and I'll pray for you.
0:58
Speaker 2: I'm done hurting.
0:59
Speaker 2: I'll do the anger.
1:02
Speaker 2: Won't let you win any longer.
1:03
Speaker 2: Then we begin again.
1:06
Speaker 2: Now I'm back and I'll pray for you.
1:13
Speaker 2: I'm done hurting.
1:15
Speaker 2: I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to come on and share my story with your audience and I look forward to our meeting.
1:47
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, me too.
1:48
Speaker 1: Me too, you know, I am an open game man that went through a hate crime, and that's how I started this podcast, because I go to sexual assault group therapy every Thursday.
2:02
Speaker 1: And then, of course, covid happened and everything was put on hold and I didn't realize how much I needed that therapy because, thank God, no one in my life has went through such trauma.
2:13
Speaker 1: They were all supportive of it, but no one could really relate to it, and so I was like you know what?
2:20
Speaker 1: I want to start a podcast and see if I can get people to reach out, especially men, because men don't seem to be as open about it.
2:28
Speaker 1: And so when you reached out, especially with your what military background and you are a straight man.
2:38
Speaker 1: Yes, yep.
2:39
Speaker 1: Yeah.
2:40
Speaker 1: So you know, with you being a straight man to you, don't find people that are that open about things, so I'm so glad that you are and that you're going to share this with us.
2:50
Speaker 1: So so let's start.
2:52
Speaker 1: What?
2:52
Speaker 1: So?
2:53
Speaker 1: When?
2:53
Speaker 1: When did these forms of abuse start for you, and what forms do you want to talk about today?
2:59
Speaker 2: Well, I'm an open book brother.
3:01
Speaker 2: I honestly I found it to be so much easier just to tell the truth and be completely honest with your entire story, not to hold anything back, and that's funny that you said that.
3:13
Speaker 2: You know I get told all the time.
3:15
Speaker 2: You know somebody else in the Marine Corps.
3:17
Speaker 2: I was a junior Olympic boxer, golden Glove boxer, mixed martial arts fighter.
3:22
Speaker 2: I'm not competing for a bodybuilding competition somebody that would stereotypically be called an alpha male, so easily accessible and open to share their story.
3:33
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I truly believe that.
3:36
Speaker 2: You know being brave is doing something when you're, when you're scared of it, but doing it anyway.
3:43
Speaker 2: It's not fight.
3:48
Speaker 2: I mean it is fighting in a war.
3:50
Speaker 2: It's it's, you know, rising to the challenges.
3:53
Speaker 2: But men in generally, when they're when they're raised or when they're when they grow up, they're told hold your emotions, don't show fear, be brave, no matter what many of them circumstances.
4:06
Speaker 2: They're not supposed to cry.
4:08
Speaker 2: You know it's all these stereotypical things that came from like the 40s and 50s.
4:13
Speaker 2: I mean like when my parents grew up and my dad and mom.
4:18
Speaker 2: They never shared any of their emotions, any of their feelings.
4:20
Speaker 2: My father was a police officer for 37 years.
4:23
Speaker 2: He was in the army before that.
4:25
Speaker 2: So a very straightforward guy that if you have a problem you just solve it and move on, don't worry about it, you know just didn't share any of his emotions or feelings and I grew up kind of like that.
4:37
Speaker 2: I mean, my father left me and my mother and my oldest brother when I was six years old, my brother's 10 years older than me, so my brother was 16, turning 17.
4:49
Speaker 2: I was maybe turning, I was in first grade, so six or seven, and as a small young child, my father leaving, I thought it was my fault.
5:00
Speaker 2: I said what did I do to make my dad leave?
5:04
Speaker 2: Because he stuck around with my brother until he was in 11th grade in high school.
5:08
Speaker 2: Here I am in first grade.
5:10
Speaker 2: Why doesn't, why doesn't he want to stick around and raise me?
5:13
Speaker 2: What's wrong with me?
5:14
Speaker 2: You know?
5:15
Speaker 2: Did I not listen?
5:16
Speaker 2: Did I not clean my room?
5:18
Speaker 2: Did I not get good enough grades?
5:20
Speaker 2: And I held on to that for 30 plus years and I used that in some occasions to use drugs and to drink, because I thought it was my fault, because it was never explained to me that I had nothing to do with it, until I got into my 40s and I started to do a downward spiral and my mom noticed the things were getting out of control.
5:48
Speaker 2: This was right before I went to rehab and she said what's going on?
5:52
Speaker 2: And I said one of the biggest issues, mom, is, you know, dad left when I was, you know, six or seven, and I thought it was my fault and she just like she couldn't believe that I've been holding on to that.
6:05
Speaker 2: She's like, son, you had nothing to do with your dad leaving.
6:09
Speaker 2: He was running around with me with other women and I couldn't take it anymore.
6:14
Speaker 2: So I kicked him out and my first response was well, I wish you would have told me that when I was like seven or eight or nine, so I didn't have to hold on to that for 30 plus years.
6:24
Speaker 2: Right, but that's just that generation.
6:29
Speaker 2: They didn't.
6:29
Speaker 2: They didn't talk to their kids now.
6:31
Speaker 2: That's why I am so open with my girls.
6:34
Speaker 2: I have three, three daughters 23, 14 and 11.
6:38
Speaker 2: Wow, and my 24 year old has seen the best and the worst of her father.
6:47
Speaker 2: I've been using drugs and drinking for 27 years, since the ages of 18.
6:51
Speaker 2: I didn't go to rehab till I was 44 years old and my daughter saw the worst of her dad and thank God I was never physically abusive, but I sure as shit was verbally abusive.
7:07
Speaker 2: I said the nastiest things to the people that I love the most and I can never take back those words because I don't care what anybody says.
7:14
Speaker 2: That whole, that old sticks and stones may break my bones.
7:17
Speaker 2: My words will never hurt me.
7:18
Speaker 2: Bullshit Words never leave.
7:22
Speaker 2: You remember that stuff for the rest of your life.
7:25
Speaker 2: You can repair a broken bone and you can get stitches, but those words cut deeper than any physical pain that can happen to you.
7:35
Speaker 2: You remember that, especially when your parents are saying it to you and it really affects your children.
7:42
Speaker 2: So since getting sober at 44, I sat my girls down and I went through my story of life and told them where I was coming from, how I got there and where I want to be now in life as a man, as a husband, as a father, as a son, and I believe that really kind of at first it blew their mind that I was being so honest and open with them.
8:08
Speaker 2: But I just need you guys to know that life is going to come at you from all different directions and I would rather you know how to deal with it than seclude yourself, not share what's going on, not ask for help, not reach out.
8:26
Speaker 2: And if you just need somebody to listen, if you do need to go see a doctor and talk to a doctor, like, whatever's going on, let's take care of it so you don't hold on to it for 30 plus years, yeah, and potentially ruin your life or ruin opportunities in your life because of this one small thing that could completely be taken care of when it first happens.
8:49
Speaker 2: So you know, growing up my mom she worked three jobs.
8:54
Speaker 2: She took care of me and my brother.
8:56
Speaker 2: She actually, the year after my father left, she became a bodybuilder and was a professional bodybuilder for 10 years.
9:03
Speaker 2: There was no drug and alcohol in my house.
9:07
Speaker 2: It wasn't around.
9:08
Speaker 2: I didn't have to look at it or deal with it.
9:11
Speaker 2: My mother is 70, she'll be 73.
9:13
Speaker 2: Oh damn, she just turned 73.
9:14
Speaker 2: Wow, she's 73 years old and I've seen her drink five beers in my entire life, wow.
9:21
Speaker 2: So it's not like she didn't even drink at parties.
9:25
Speaker 2: It just wasn't her thing.
9:26
Speaker 2: And I'd go to my family's parties and my aunts and uncles would have beers and tie one on and stuff like that, but it wasn't all the time so I didn't go up around it and she had me in sports.
9:37
Speaker 2: I played baseball for eight years, football for three or four years.
9:41
Speaker 2: I almost was a professional skateboarder at one point here in Baltimore.
9:46
Speaker 2: I grew up with Brandon Novak from Viva LaBam and Jackass oh yeah.
9:52
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and Bucky Lasik, who's one of the top professional skateboarders in the world.
9:56
Speaker 2: We all grew up here together in Baltimore, so that's funny she said Jackass, because Johnny Knox grew up where I live.
10:05
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, yeah, and he's a very, he's such an ally for the gay community.
10:12
Speaker 1: And I went to a gay bar one time like when I was first coming out you know my teenage years I was like gosh, that guy's really good looking and we were sitting outside and he offered me a hit off his joint.
10:23
Speaker 1: But I've just never liked this one.
10:25
Speaker 2: I think it should be legal.
10:26
Speaker 1: I've just never liked it.
10:27
Speaker 1: And then it took me a minute I was like holy shit, that's Johnny Knox.
10:31
Speaker 1: Like I almost wanted to take a hit off of it just because it was Johnny Knox.
10:34
Speaker 1: So that's funny that you mentioned Jackass.
10:37
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:38
Speaker 2: No, brandon, I've no brainless.
10:40
Speaker 2: He's fifth grade.
10:40
Speaker 2: We grew up together, we skated together.
10:42
Speaker 2: He's actually the one that facilitated me getting into rehab.
10:46
Speaker 1: Oh, wow.
10:47
Speaker 2: Yeah so, but I was skateboarding.
10:49
Speaker 2: I was in a box for three or four years and then my senior year of high school came around and I was like man, my grades aren't good enough to go into college, half of my friends are starting to do really bad and I didn't want to be around.
11:03
Speaker 2: So the summer before senior year, I signed up for the US Marine Corps.
11:08
Speaker 2: So I knew exactly what I was doing once I graduated high school.
11:12
Speaker 2: I had had to summer off and come September I was going into boot camp and I was going into Marines.
11:17
Speaker 2: So I was like you know what I have one year left to have some fun.
11:21
Speaker 2: I'm going to start going to some parties.
11:23
Speaker 2: I'm going to start having some fun.
11:25
Speaker 2: So I started going to parties.
11:27
Speaker 2: In my senior year I started drinking, and I look back on it now.
11:32
Speaker 2: I drank just because I was at these parties.
11:34
Speaker 2: I didn't necessarily drink because I actually wanted to or liked the taste of it whatsoever, and I wasn't even trying to fit in.
11:43
Speaker 2: I was a very, very popular guy in high school.
11:46
Speaker 2: I was voted best looking in senior year high school.
11:50
Speaker 2: I was.
11:51
Speaker 2: I came in second place for the homecoming king.
11:53
Speaker 2: I was very popular in high school, so I didn't need everybody liking it.
11:58
Speaker 2: I just I was one of those very likable people, but I just wanted to have some fun because I figured the end of the year shit's going to hit the fan and it's going to get serious.
12:08
Speaker 2: So let me get this out of my way and they have some fun.
12:11
Speaker 2: So I started drinking and then drinking led to what else is at the party.
12:16
Speaker 2: Oh, you got some pot, I'll try some pot.
12:18
Speaker 2: That's probably no big deal.
12:19
Speaker 2: They start snuggling some pot.
12:21
Speaker 2: Oh, you got some LSD.
12:23
Speaker 2: I've never done that before.
12:24
Speaker 2: I'll try some of that.
12:26
Speaker 2: Oh, you got some mushrooms.
12:28
Speaker 2: I'll try some mushrooms.
12:29
Speaker 2: Oh, what's this coming around?
12:31
Speaker 2: Oh, that's PCP.
12:32
Speaker 2: Oh, fuck it, I'll take it.
12:33
Speaker 2: Give me some.
12:34
Speaker 2: I tried some of that.
12:35
Speaker 2: Oh, what are those pills?
12:37
Speaker 2: Pain killers, percocets?
12:40
Speaker 2: Okay, give me some of that.
12:41
Speaker 2: But it all stemmed with alcohol.
12:44
Speaker 2: Once I got alcohol in my system, it was a fair game to whatever was at the party I was doing.
12:48
Speaker 2: Now, luckily, my senior year, heroin and cocaine were not really that big where I lived, so it wasn't accessible and I thank God because I probably would have done it and who knows where my story would have led off of that.
13:03
Speaker 2: But I did everything else that was available that I could get my hands on.
13:06
Speaker 2: I did it.
13:07
Speaker 1: So do you think you have like an addictive personality?
13:10
Speaker 1: Absolutely.
13:12
Speaker 2: Yeah, 100%.
13:13
Speaker 2: And I look back and it stemmed.
13:16
Speaker 2: Even in athletics, when I did something, I had to make sure I was the best.
13:22
Speaker 2: When I did baseball, I had to make sure I was the all star pitcher on the team to make the all star team.
13:28
Speaker 2: When I was in football, I had to be the best running back on our football team boxing.
13:34
Speaker 2: I couldn't just box locally.
13:35
Speaker 2: I had to make the Junior Olympics.
13:36
Speaker 2: If I didn't, I wasn't good enough.
13:39
Speaker 2: Skateboarding I had to get sponsored.
13:41
Speaker 2: I had to be in videos.
13:42
Speaker 2: I had to hang out with the guys in professional skateboarders that were going to make a living off of this stuff.
13:46
Speaker 2: I always had to be the best or whatever I did.
13:50
Speaker 2: And even in the Marines I graduated top four in my class.
13:54
Speaker 2: I graduated as the company guide, which is the guy who's in charge of all three platoons, and there's 80 plus people in each platoon.
14:04
Speaker 2: So I was the guy that graduated holding the flag next to the captain, you know, on the parade deck and for all the videos.
14:10
Speaker 2: Like I had to make sure I was just the best of the best.
14:16
Speaker 2: Even now, when I work any job I do I find myself not taking a break during the day.
14:24
Speaker 2: I just go, go, go.
14:25
Speaker 2: I have to get it done on time, if not before time.
14:29
Speaker 2: I have to make sure each.
14:31
Speaker 2: I'm a carpenter so I got to make sure each cut is perfect, every line is square, and that comes from my my bipolar disorder as well.
14:44
Speaker 2: So senior year I graduate, I go into Marines and the drugs stop.
14:53
Speaker 2: So the drugs completely stop, but my alcoholism shot through the roof like 10 times.
14:59
Speaker 2: And when you're stationed at a military base, when you leave the base, there's nothing but bars, strip clubs, tattoo joints all around the bases.
15:06
Speaker 2: And the bar motto is if you're old enough to take a bullet for the country, you're old enough to have a cold beer.
15:13
Speaker 2: So at the age of 18, 19, 20 years old, underage, they still serve you.
15:18
Speaker 2: If you're in the military, you just can't stand there in the bar with the alcohol in your hand in case the authorities walk in.
15:25
Speaker 2: But they would serve you.
15:26
Speaker 2: You could take a drink and sit it down at the table, pick it up, drink it.
15:29
Speaker 2: As long as you were drinking it you could have it in your hand.
15:31
Speaker 2: If not, you had to set it down.
15:32
Speaker 2: But they did not deter any type of underage drinking if you were in the military.
15:37
Speaker 2: I mean, our sergeants were at these bars.
15:41
Speaker 2: These are men who are in their 30s, late 20s.
15:44
Speaker 2: We're 18, 19, 20, and we're looking up to these guys and they just be like have a good time, don't get in trouble, make sure you're up at four o'clock in the morning at formation, don't be late.
15:54
Speaker 2: So they didn't try to deter it anyway at all.
15:58
Speaker 2: In 1995, we got deployed to Somalia for Operation United Shield.
16:02
Speaker 2: So we did six months overseas.
16:04
Speaker 2: When I came back I had like four or five months left.
16:08
Speaker 2: I had four or five months left.
16:12
Speaker 2: I got discharged and came home at the age of 21.
16:16
Speaker 2: The first month was great.
16:19
Speaker 2: I was like, man, I'm out of the military, I can sleep in, I don't have to shave, I don't have to wear a certain uniform Like it was awesome.
16:25
Speaker 2: The second month came and I was like, oh shit, I got to get a job, I got to get a vehicle, I got to start paying rent.
16:31
Speaker 2: I moved back into my mom's house, I got to start helping her and I was like what am I gonna do with my life?
16:37
Speaker 2: The third month came and I got severely depressed.
16:41
Speaker 2: I stopped showering, I stopped shaving, I didn't want to leave my bedroom.
16:44
Speaker 2: I was drinking every single day and I started smoking pot again because now I wasn't being drug tested and taking pain pills whatever I could get my hands on at that time.
16:53
Speaker 2: And I found myself one day completely like what's my purpose in life?
17:00
Speaker 2: What am I supposed to be doing now?
17:02
Speaker 2: And I went into my stepfather's on-wall, I grabbed his gun and I sat it on my lap and I sat there and looked at it for about 10, 15 minutes and I called my girlfriend.
17:11
Speaker 2: At the time I said, hey, something's not right.
17:14
Speaker 2: I'm really depressed.
17:15
Speaker 2: I had my stepfather's gun in my lap and I don't know what I'm gonna do.
17:19
Speaker 2: She was at my house like five minutes.
17:21
Speaker 2: She came over, she took the gun from me, put it away.
17:24
Speaker 2: When my mom came home from work I told her.
17:27
Speaker 2: I said, hey, something's wrong.
17:29
Speaker 2: I'm really, really depressed.
17:31
Speaker 2: I did not tell her I just had my stepfather's gun in my lap.
17:34
Speaker 2: She would have freaked out, had me committed and all kind of stuff.
17:37
Speaker 2: But I told her something's wrong.
17:40
Speaker 2: I'm very, very depressed.
17:41
Speaker 2: I gotta see somebody.
17:43
Speaker 2: So she made appointments, got into the doctors and they went through a whole bunch of different tests and they diagnosed me with bipolar one disorder, manic depression.
17:53
Speaker 2: Now they didn't diagnose me with PTSD because we're talking this is 96 now and 1996 PTSD was not well known as it is now.
18:05
Speaker 2: I'm sure they had to have had some idea about it, but it wasn't a treatment or a treatment process for post-traumatic stress disorder, because that wasn't even a made up word at that time.
18:16
Speaker 2: So with the doctors, like every doctor, let's get you on some medicine, let's try to balance you out or something, because you have imbalance in your brain chemicals.
18:28
Speaker 2: So they start putting me on medicine.
18:30
Speaker 2: And I've gotta tell you, if you're listening to this and you are on some type of prescribed medicine, be completely honest with your doctors, because if you're not honest, the medicines that they're putting you on, unless you are completely honest, telling them, hey, I'm drinking, I'm using alcohol, I'm doing drugs, they will not work.
18:50
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're not designed to work with alcohol and drugs in your system and they won't work.
18:56
Speaker 2: And that's what I found myself.
18:58
Speaker 2: For 20 plus years I was on and off so many medicines.
19:04
Speaker 2: I couldn't even tell you the amount of medicines I was on, but they never could find the right milligram, they never could find the right cocktail of what medicines would work for me and they never could pinpoint why.
19:16
Speaker 2: And the truth of the matter is is because I was drinking and drugging and I wasn't being honest with them, telling them.
19:22
Speaker 2: I'm drinking a sixth of Paul Pack beer a day, I'm smoking pot, I'm taking pain medicine, I'm doing LSD when I get a chance.
19:29
Speaker 2: I'm doing pretty much everything I can that anybody has around, and the medicines that you're gonna give me are not gonna work anyway, and I never said that.
19:39
Speaker 2: So from my 20s all the way up until I went into rehab, that was my life for 20 plus years, on and off medicines.
19:47
Speaker 2: I take them for three, four months.
19:48
Speaker 2: I get frustrated.
19:50
Speaker 2: This shit isn't working, I'm not taking it, throw it down the toilet, be fine for two or three months and then go on a downward spiral.
19:56
Speaker 2: I better get back to the doctors, get some back on some medicine, get back on medicine, feel good for two or three, four or five months, whatever the span would be, and then you know what I'm feeling.
20:07
Speaker 2: Good, I don't need this stuff again.
20:09
Speaker 2: I'd take it, I'd stop taking it or I would stay on.
20:12
Speaker 2: I think the longest time I was on medicine was like for two years, and that was in my late 20s and it was like a low milligram of Lexapro and I think the Razapam which was for anxiety, and I felt kind of okay and after two years I was like man, I really don't need this stuff anymore and I just completely stopped taking it.
20:37
Speaker 1: Which is dangerous within itself.
20:39
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, you're not just supposed to stop taking your psych medicines absolutely which I know now at 46 years old but I had to learn that I've always been one of these people that you can't tell me, that you can't put your hand on that hot stove because it's gonna burn you.
20:59
Speaker 2: My ass has to go over and touch the hot stove and be like, oh, you were right, I shouldn't have done that.
21:04
Speaker 2: That's just how I always have been.
21:07
Speaker 2: Unfortunately, I have to find out for myself the hard way.
21:10
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah.
21:13
Speaker 2: I'm kind of glad that's what happened to me with addiction and mental illness, because I wouldn't have taken it so seriously if I was taking advice from somebody else.
21:23
Speaker 2: I had to experience the total depths of hell to be able to be grateful for what I've been given now in Sprite and recovery.
21:33
Speaker 2: So in my 30s I had lost another job, and that's all through my bipolar and alcoholism.
21:41
Speaker 2: From the age of 21 up until like 34 or 35 years old, I had lost like 35 jobs, something around those.
21:49
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've had since being out of the Marine Corps I've had 46 jobs, 46 appointments, and that's all due to my mental health and my drug and alcohol addiction.
22:01
Speaker 1: And this was also during the time that I guess that your first daughter was coming into creation.
22:07
Speaker 1: Yes, yes.
22:09
Speaker 2: So when I first got home from the Marines I met my wife, who I actually went to middle school and high school with.
22:13
Speaker 2: We were never boyfriend and girlfriend, we just grew up in the same county and a year after I met her I was able to buy a home from saving money from the Marine Corps.
22:24
Speaker 2: We moved into our home Two years later we had my daughter at the age of 23.
22:27
Speaker 2: And for the first couple of years I was able to successfully maintain my mental health and my alcoholism.
22:36
Speaker 2: I kept a job for four years.
22:38
Speaker 2: We paid bills, I had a vehicle, like we were doing pretty good and then I lost that job.
22:44
Speaker 2: And then from that point on it was I'd have a job for three months, six months, eight months, two months, one month, and that was a complete cycle up until my late 30s.
22:56
Speaker 2: It really was.
22:57
Speaker 2: It was just I couldn't keep a job over a year to save my life.
23:01
Speaker 1: Did your wife know that alcohol was playing such a huge factor into your destruction, or were you able to function enough to hide that from her?
23:15
Speaker 2: Actually.
23:15
Speaker 2: So a little bit of both, okay.
23:17
Speaker 2: So I was able to definitely hide it.
23:18
Speaker 2: You gotta remember we were early 20s, going in our 30s, we were living our life, we were both having some fun.
23:26
Speaker 2: My wife has no problem with drinking.
23:27
Speaker 2: She has a bottle of wine in the refrigerator for the last two months and to me that's insane.
23:32
Speaker 2: I'm like that's still there.
23:36
Speaker 2: I would have drank it the night.
23:37
Speaker 2: I bought it from the liquor store, like I don't understand that.
23:40
Speaker 2: But she doesn't have a disease of prediction, right, and she smells pot.
23:46
Speaker 2: In high school she it didn't affect her.
23:51
Speaker 2: She was a quote unquote normal person able to be able to stop whatever and whenever, however she needed to do it.
24:00
Speaker 2: So but in her 20s we'd have parties and we drank smoked pot and have fun.
24:06
Speaker 2: And I definitely was able to hide it because I still went to work.
24:10
Speaker 2: I still got up in the morning, I still went to work, still paid our bills.
24:15
Speaker 2: So for me that wasn't a problem because I was still taking care of the responsibilities needed to take care of my family.
24:24
Speaker 2: So it wasn't a problem that I thought at that time.
24:28
Speaker 2: It wasn't until looking back now that I realized that was the start of all of my problems and I justified it as a young man, as a young, yeah, as a young man in my 20s.
24:39
Speaker 2: That you know.
24:39
Speaker 2: I'm in my 20s, I'm having fun, I got paying the bills going to work.
24:42
Speaker 2: I enjoy a cold beer after work.
24:45
Speaker 2: I bust my ass.
24:46
Speaker 2: That was my reward.
24:47
Speaker 2: But that enjoying a cold beer after work was five days a week.
24:52
Speaker 2: You know, friday night, saturday night.
24:55
Speaker 2: I would take a Sunday off to feel better, because Monday's coming and I gotta get up to go to work.
25:00
Speaker 1: Well, we say like a cold beer, but it's a case of cold beer.
25:06
Speaker 1: You know that there's no, which I mean luckily, like I've never had, knock on wood, never had addiction problems, but so many people in my life have.
25:15
Speaker 1: You know, I can relate a lot to what you were saying about.
25:18
Speaker 1: You know, bipolar.
25:19
Speaker 1: My mother was extreme bipolar and for 10 years she was asleep on the couch.
25:27
Speaker 1: You know, I didn't have a mom for 10 years but I felt like I had to take care of her and make sure that she was alive and okay and then get out immediately to escape.
25:38
Speaker 1: You know.
25:40
Speaker 1: So, because when you do have these mental illnesses, such as bipolar, absolutely they can be maintained, you know, if you do it correctly.
25:49
Speaker 1: And now, luckily, just like you, my mom, she goes her doctor's woman, she takes her medication, she does great and I have my mom back, you know, but it took a while.
25:59
Speaker 1: And one thing that I do wanna make a comment on is and I know this is backtracking a little bit, but when you said that you set your kids down and was so honest with them and that they saw the highs and lows I'm, as a child, being with someone, you know that, having a mother that suffered from addiction and bipolar disorder and when you have to think of where we were as a society with mental illness at that time too, then you know I witnessing that and her being so honest and bare-naked truth kept me from kinda going down the same path.
26:38
Speaker 1: I was able to learn from her mistakes and it kinda broke that generational abuse.
26:47
Speaker 2: Right right.
26:47
Speaker 2: You know it's very important.
26:49
Speaker 2: I speak with honesty and integrity to my kids.
26:55
Speaker 2: I don't believe there should be a parent child like barrier there where you shouldn't know things about your mom or dad.
27:06
Speaker 2: I really believe that it helps them become a better person.
27:11
Speaker 2: I think that's what I'm talking about all the way around, because then they'll understand that, they'll know that, they'll remember that and they can pass on to their children as well.
27:22
Speaker 2: You're completely right.
27:23
Speaker 2: You know the way I grew up.
27:25
Speaker 2: You weren't supposed to talk about your feelings.
27:27
Speaker 2: You weren't supposed so.
27:28
Speaker 2: That's how I grew up and that's what I thought it was supposed to be like.
27:31
Speaker 2: So I had all the stuff going on alcoholism, drug addiction, bipolar and I never talked to anybody about it and I would dwell in my own head.
27:39
Speaker 2: Why was I born like this?
27:42
Speaker 2: Why can't I be normal like my friends?
27:45
Speaker 2: You know why do I have to suffer with this disease?
27:48
Speaker 2: You know why was I chosen to have to live my life through all of this pain and sorrow and suffering?
27:55
Speaker 2: And I never wanted to speak about it.
27:58
Speaker 2: Speaking about it made me uncomfortable.
28:01
Speaker 2: Sure, it really did.
28:04
Speaker 2: What's against?
28:04
Speaker 1: everything you were saying is against everything you were taught.
28:06
Speaker 1: You know you're an alpha male, you're not supposed to do that.
28:12
Speaker 2: You're supposed to rip off your certain kind of tree down, not cry over a hurt feeling you know, yeah, and speaking to a stranger, because they have a psychological degree, I'm like man, have they judged me?
28:25
Speaker 2: How many more crazy people do they see a day?
28:27
Speaker 2: Am I the craziest one that they see?
28:29
Speaker 2: You know, what are they jotting down in that damn book?
28:31
Speaker 2: You know, like it just didn't work for me, sure, but you know.
28:36
Speaker 2: Back to my story.
28:40
Speaker 2: In my 30s I lost another job and my wife was like Tim, what's going on?
28:46
Speaker 2: She's like you keep losing these jobs.
28:48
Speaker 2: I said I don't know.
28:49
Speaker 2: You know I just I'm lost.
28:51
Speaker 2: I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.
28:53
Speaker 2: I can't keep a damn job Drinking a lot.
28:55
Speaker 2: I'm so occupied every day.
28:58
Speaker 2: And she was like what are you going to do?
29:01
Speaker 2: And I said you know I just I miss sports, I miss getting out there and doing something with myself.
29:07
Speaker 2: You know, I haven't been to the gym in years.
29:09
Speaker 2: Like I was feeling really self-conscious about myself.
29:13
Speaker 2: And this was when Mixed Martial Arts was getting really huge and UFC was getting big and I was like I think I would like to go and go train again and just get back into the gym.
29:22
Speaker 2: So my wife said OK, she said I'll give you a year.
29:25
Speaker 2: She said the bills are paid.
29:27
Speaker 2: I have a steady job.
29:28
Speaker 2: She's like go do it.
29:30
Speaker 2: If that's going to make you better and that's going to help you out, go do it.
29:33
Speaker 2: So she gave me a year to go and train and see if I could get fights.
29:38
Speaker 2: And I did.
29:38
Speaker 2: I trained, I got a bunch of fights.
29:41
Speaker 2: I fought at Harris Casino in Philadelphia, atlantic City.
29:45
Speaker 2: I fought on TV.
29:45
Speaker 2: I wasn't making a lot of money $1,500 to $2,000 a fight every three, four months.
29:52
Speaker 2: It wasn't a lot of money, but it was paying for my training, it was paying for my traveling, it was self-sustaining itself and it was making me happy.
30:00
Speaker 2: And my last fight came and three years have gone by now.
30:05
Speaker 2: So now I'm 35, 36.
30:06
Speaker 2: And my last fight at Harris Casino.
30:11
Speaker 2: It's a big deal and I tear my rotator cuff at the end of the first round and I get back to the locker room and I go to put my shirt on and I can't lift my right arm.
30:23
Speaker 2: I just can't lift it above my breast area and my trainer helps put my shirt on and I go out and all my friends and family were like 30.
30:32
Speaker 2: I've been there supporting me and my wife comes up and hands me a beer and I grab it with my left hand.
30:37
Speaker 2: And usually, even though I'm left-handed, I write and draw with my left hand.
30:41
Speaker 2: I do everything else with my right hand and I grab it with my left hand.
30:45
Speaker 2: She's like why didn't you?
30:47
Speaker 2: That's weird.
30:48
Speaker 2: You usually hold things with your right hand and I'm like, yeah, so I can't lift my arm up.
30:52
Speaker 2: And she's like what do you mean?
30:54
Speaker 2: I said I did something.
30:55
Speaker 2: She's like oh, my god, ok, so we got to go to the doctor.
30:58
Speaker 2: So I go to the doctor.
30:59
Speaker 2: I tore it in three places, had that major surgery on a rotator cuff, reconstruction surgery, and that started a four-year addiction to prescribed pain medicines.
31:11
Speaker 2: And 10 years ago, at the age of 36, they did not have in place what they do now, which is great.
31:22
Speaker 2: They would just give you pain medicine and keep refilling your prescription over and over and over.
31:29
Speaker 2: Now they've actually changed that, which is awesome, and I hope they continue to change it even more and make it harder for people to get it.
31:36
Speaker 2: But 10 years ago I would simply just go to my doctor every 30 days and he'd say how are you feeling?
31:42
Speaker 2: Well, the percocets, they seem to do the job, but they mess my stomach up.
31:48
Speaker 2: They make my stomach upset.
31:49
Speaker 2: Ok, well, let's switch you to hydrocodone.
31:52
Speaker 2: Go back to next month.
31:54
Speaker 2: How are you doing?
31:55
Speaker 2: Well, my stomach's better, but it doesn't take care of the pain.
31:58
Speaker 2: It just doesn't do what the percocets do.
32:01
Speaker 2: Ok, well, I got something really good for you.
32:04
Speaker 2: Let's put you on oxycodones.
32:06
Speaker 2: They're not bad on your stomach and they do stuff like take care of it, just like percocets.
32:11
Speaker 2: So they put no oxycodones and after that I would go in every 30, 60 days.
32:18
Speaker 2: Ok, well, 10 milligrams aren't working.
32:20
Speaker 2: I need to up it up.
32:21
Speaker 2: Ok, we'll give you 20 milligrams.
32:24
Speaker 2: And that's where I was for four years 20 milligram oxycodones and, like every good addiction mental person that has problems, I wouldn't take one every four hours, I would take two or three every four hours, go through my script in two weeks rather than a month, have to go and get it refilled early, and all the while I'm drinking six to 12 beers a day on top of taking eight to 10, 20 milligram oxycodones.
32:51
Speaker 2: And it got to a point where I got scared.
32:55
Speaker 2: I legitimately got scared.
32:57
Speaker 2: One day I remember thinking, man, I'm going to die like this and like people take these pain medicines and drink alcohol and they go to sleep and they never wake up.
33:07
Speaker 2: And is this what's going to happen to me?
33:09
Speaker 2: And I'm sitting on edge of my bed one day and I'm like you know what?
33:14
Speaker 2: I can't do this anymore.
33:16
Speaker 2: I'm an addict.
33:18
Speaker 2: I'm in so much pain and I don't know how to deal with this.
33:22
Speaker 2: I just want this to end.
33:24
Speaker 2: And I've reached up on my dresser and I opened my pain bottle and I counted them.
33:28
Speaker 2: I had 18 oxycodons in my bottle.
33:31
Speaker 2: I took all 18 of them and I went and I drank a 12 pack of beer within like an hour and a half.
33:38
Speaker 2: And I go back to my bedroom and I lay on the.
33:41
Speaker 2: I lay on my bed and I say, god, please don't let me wake up, because I don't know how to stop and I just want the pain to leave.
33:51
Speaker 2: And I woke up that next day and I remember waking up, thinking, oh my God, I'm alive.
33:59
Speaker 2: I go into the bathroom where my refill of 30 was on the countertop in the bathroom and I open up the top of the bottle and I dump all 30 of them down the toilet.
34:09
Speaker 2: And I look in the mirror and I remember looking at myself and I look like crap.
34:15
Speaker 2: I'm crying, my face is bloated and I just looked at myself and said remember how you feel today.
34:22
Speaker 2: You don't ever want to feel like this ever again.
34:25
Speaker 2: We're never taking pain medicine again.
34:27
Speaker 2: And for the next 10 days I was the sickest I think I've ever been in my entire life and insomnia, the jitters, the sweats, the racing thoughts, throwing off to go into the bathroom, the whole deal.
34:41
Speaker 2: But every morning when I woke up I looked myself in the mirror and said don't forget how this made you feel.
34:48
Speaker 2: We're never doing this again.
34:49
Speaker 2: I was able to stop taking pain medicines from that experience of waking up after not trying to wake up ever again.
34:59
Speaker 2: After those 10 days, I'm sitting in my house and I'm like I need to get out of my house.
35:03
Speaker 2: I got to go for a ride, like I just wanted to go decompress, and I get in my truck and I go driving down the stairs.
35:10
Speaker 2: We have a really beautiful reservoir that people go hiking and biking and they do picnics and walk their dogs.
35:15
Speaker 2: It's really beautiful and I'm driving through it and I'm banging on my steering wheel and I'm crying.
35:21
Speaker 2: I'm like why am I an addict?
35:23
Speaker 2: Why do I have mental problems?
35:25
Speaker 2: What's my purpose in life?
35:27
Speaker 2: Please send me a sign that I'm not alone, because I have no idea why I'm supposed to be here.
35:33
Speaker 2: What am I doing?
35:36
Speaker 2: And I get around to the bend and my senior year of high school, my best friend unfortunately lost control of his car and hit the tree in the reservoir and lost his life at the age of 18.
35:46
Speaker 2: And at this tree his parents set up.
35:50
Speaker 2: They've got a picture of him on the tree and there's a memorial book you can write to him and you can put flowers on the tree.
35:56
Speaker 2: And I get around to the bend and I stop at the tree and I get out of my truck and I go up to the tree and I'm like Bill I need help.
36:07
Speaker 2: Man, I don't know why I'm here, I'm lost, I'm alone.
36:10
Speaker 2: I just need to know that there's something else out there besides me, because I don't know why I'm here, I don't know my purpose.
36:19
Speaker 2: Please just let me know that I'm not alone.
36:22
Speaker 2: And I get in my truck and I go to leave the park and as I'm leaving the park, I'm crying.
36:28
Speaker 2: I can't barely drive.
36:29
Speaker 2: So I pull over.
36:31
Speaker 2: Instead of pulling over on the right hand side, like driving was going, I pull over on the left hand side, facing oncoming traffic, and I sit there for about 10 minutes and this car pulls up and I see the man getting out of his car and he opens the back door and he's got his dog.
36:48
Speaker 2: He's about to get walk over by the water and I look up at him on my windshield and I look at the man and I get out of my car and I look at him and I said Mr Bill, it was my best friend who died in 1996.
37:02
Speaker 2: It was his father.
37:03
Speaker 2: I hadn't seen him since 1996, the day of my friend's funeral.
37:08
Speaker 2: This is March 16, 2017, 21 years later.
37:13
Speaker 2: And I get out and I said, mr Bill, and he looks at me and he said Timmy, is that you and I fall to the ground and I'm crying.
37:21
Speaker 2: And he walks over to me and he says what's wrong?
37:23
Speaker 2: I said I'm an addict.
37:24
Speaker 2: I have bipolar disorder.
37:26
Speaker 2: I don't know why I'm here.
37:27
Speaker 2: I just stopped at Bill's tree and asked him to send me a sign.
37:30
Speaker 2: And he walks over to me and puts his hand on my shoulder and he says Timmy, I'm not supposed to be here this morning.
37:39
Speaker 2: I'm supposed to be in South Carolina at a family reunion trip.
37:43
Speaker 2: I was supposed to leave 6 am this morning.
37:46
Speaker 2: My wife came to me a dream last night and told me to come here at 10 am this morning to walk the doll.
37:53
Speaker 2: I truly believe I was sent here to see you this morning and we hugged and we talked for like 15 minutes.
38:01
Speaker 2: And I get in my truck and for about 10 minutes I feel as if everything is going to be okay.
38:08
Speaker 2: I'm being watched, nothing's going to happen to me, I'm going to be fine.
38:15
Speaker 2: And then my addictive personality kicks in and says yeah, you are going to be fine, nothing's going to happen to you, so you don't have to stop drinking because you're going to be okay.
38:27
Speaker 2: So for the next four years I drank the most alcohol I've ever drank in my entire life.
38:32
Speaker 2: The beer wasn't doing it for me enough.
38:35
Speaker 2: I was now drinking 12 to 18 beers.
38:38
Speaker 2: Regular beer wasn't doing it.
38:40
Speaker 2: The IPAs, the loggers, they weren't doing it.
38:43
Speaker 2: So I switched over to whiskey fireball whiskey.
38:46
Speaker 2: I figured you know what, if I'm going to drink, I'm going to drink and I want the effects immediately.
38:51
Speaker 2: I don't want to have to go through six to 12 beers to feel the effects.
38:54
Speaker 2: So I started drinking whiskey every day and again my my alcoholic and addictive brain steps in says don't buy a big bottle of whiskey because then you'll know exactly how much you're drinking every day.
39:08
Speaker 2: Buy the little miniatures because you can drink them and throw them out and you won't really have a calculation on how much you're drinking per day.
39:15
Speaker 2: So I'd stop at the liquor store and I get 10, which is called a sleeve.
39:20
Speaker 2: So you get a sleeve of fireball.
39:21
Speaker 2: I get 10 of them.
39:23
Speaker 2: I drink all 10 of those before one o'clock in the afternoon.
39:26
Speaker 2: I'd get off work at 3.30 and go right to the liquor store and get 10 more.
39:31
Speaker 2: I drink all 10 of them.
39:33
Speaker 2: Sometimes I go back to the liquor store and get another 10.
39:35
Speaker 2: This went on for the next two years.
39:38
Speaker 2: I was drinking 25 to 30 fireball miniatures per day every single day.
39:45
Speaker 2: One fireball miniature is two and a half shots.
39:49
Speaker 2: So two and a half times 25 to 30.
39:52
Speaker 2: I was drinking upwards of 55 to 70 shots of fireball whiskey every single day for almost two years.
40:01
Speaker 2: And I get a new truck and I'm leaving the liquor store my truck's like two months old and I hit something and I pull into the driveway and I knew I hit something.
40:12
Speaker 2: I didn't know what I hit.
40:13
Speaker 2: I walk in the house and my wife's sitting down like I'm going to bed.
40:16
Speaker 2: I just freaking hit something.
40:18
Speaker 2: I'm going to bed.
40:19
Speaker 2: And I go to bed and I wake up the next morning like every good alcoholic Good morning babe.
40:24
Speaker 2: I'm gonna go to the store.
40:26
Speaker 2: We need some milk to water.
40:27
Speaker 2: And she looks at me and she's like how are you going to do that?
40:30
Speaker 2: I was like am I trucking the driveway?
40:32
Speaker 2: She's like Tim, go outside and look at your truck.
40:34
Speaker 2: I go outside, my right front passenger tires hanging off the rim.
40:39
Speaker 2: I don't even know how I drove it.
40:40
Speaker 2: Home Side mirror's completely gone.
40:43
Speaker 2: It's not even on the truck anymore, it's missing.
40:46
Speaker 2: And I'm looking at my vehicle.
40:48
Speaker 2: I'm like what in the hell happened last night?
40:50
Speaker 2: And she pops her head out and she says you had no idea what you hit last night, do you?
40:56
Speaker 2: I said no, I don't remember anything.
40:58
Speaker 2: She said, tim, this has to stop.
41:01
Speaker 2: She said you could have killed yourself or somebody else last night.
41:04
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, but I don't want you here now.
41:07
Speaker 2: She said you gotta go out.
41:09
Speaker 2: You can't be here.
41:10
Speaker 2: Go somewhere else for a couple of days.
41:13
Speaker 2: You can't be here anymore with the kids and me.
41:15
Speaker 2: I don't want you here.
41:16
Speaker 2: So I go in the house, I call my buddy, I pack some stuff up.
41:20
Speaker 2: I'm like, hey, man, wife wants me out of the house for a couple of days.
41:23
Speaker 2: I can come over to your house and hang out, let things cool over.
41:26
Speaker 2: She'll let me back in in a couple of days.
41:28
Speaker 2: So he's like, yeah, I call AAA, they can wherever put my spare on my tire and off.
41:33
Speaker 2: I go to my buddy's house.
41:34
Speaker 2: And I get to his house and he's like, well, babe, your wife just kicked you out.
41:39
Speaker 2: Man, we might as well go to the bar.
41:41
Speaker 2: And I'm like you know what?
41:43
Speaker 2: Yeah, because now I have an actual reason to go to the bar and drink because my wife just kicked me out.
41:49
Speaker 2: So we go to the bar, sit there, we get shit-faced and this is less than this is like probably 16 hours later, if that.
41:57
Speaker 2: We're leaving the bar and I rear end somebody at the red light and I get out and luckily the guy had a tow hitch on the back of his truck.
42:07
Speaker 2: His truck was absolutely fine, there was no scratch on his vehicle, the front of my bumper was all veered in.
42:13
Speaker 2: Now and I get out, I'm like, are you okay, man?
42:16
Speaker 2: He's like, yeah, I'm okay.
42:17
Speaker 2: I said, well, your truck's okay, you're okay, I'm out of here.
42:21
Speaker 2: And I slapped him on his back and jumped in my truck and I took off because I knew I was doing the jail.
42:27
Speaker 2: I get to my buddy's house.
42:28
Speaker 2: I'm like dude, I gotta be by myself.
42:30
Speaker 2: Man, I can't stay here, I gotta go.
42:32
Speaker 2: So I get in my truck and I leave, stop at the liquor store, get 10 more of the miniatures and I go and I sit in a parking ride where people park their cars and then catch a train to go to the work for the day and I sit there for the next 48 hours I turn my phone off.
42:49
Speaker 2: I didn't wanna talk to nobody, I didn't wanna hear nobody, I didn't wanna be bothered.
42:53
Speaker 2: I just wanted to sit in the backseat of my truck and drink and piss out, listen to saddest music and do the whole.
43:01
Speaker 2: Well is me, I'm a piece of shit.
43:03
Speaker 2: Everybody's better off without me.
43:05
Speaker 2: Do that, that whole pity party down to just put myself down.
43:12
Speaker 2: I do it for 48 hours and March 5th 2021, at seven after 10, after 48 hours of having my phone off, I turn my phone on.
43:23
Speaker 2: Two minutes later.
43:25
Speaker 2: This is after two days of not having it on.
43:29
Speaker 2: Two minutes after I turned that phone on the phone rings and I look down and it says Westchester, pa.
43:35
Speaker 2: I'm like who the hell is this?
43:37
Speaker 2: And I pick it up.
43:40
Speaker 2: It's my childhood friend, brandon Novak.
43:42
Speaker 2: He's like lodging what in the fuck are you doing?
43:47
Speaker 2: I said man, I'm at a parking lot, I'm cold, I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm drunk.
43:53
Speaker 2: And he says good, motherfucker, that's what you need.
43:57
Speaker 2: I just got off the phone with your wife and your mom.
44:00
Speaker 2: I have a plane ticket set for you this evening at 8.30 PM.
44:04
Speaker 2: You're gonna go down to Banyan Treatment Center in West Palm Beach, florida, and you're gonna go get help.
44:10
Speaker 2: He said I have one thing to ask y'all Call me when you pass security, because I wanna make sure, after you get dropped off the airport, that you're getting on the plane.
44:20
Speaker 2: You're not gonna catch a cab and leave the airport.
44:23
Speaker 2: And I said okay, man, okay, I'll call you.
44:26
Speaker 2: I'll do it.
44:26
Speaker 2: I'll do it.
44:27
Speaker 2: I hang up the phone.
44:28
Speaker 2: I'm just sitting down with my man.
44:30
Speaker 2: I gotta go rehab.
44:31
Speaker 2: How long am I going Like thinking about all this shit?
44:34
Speaker 2: My wife calls hey, I just got off the phone.
44:37
Speaker 2: Brandon, can you come home and take a shower and pack and try to eat something?
44:44
Speaker 2: Take a little nap, cause I have like four to five hours before the plane left.
44:47
Speaker 2: I was like, okay, I'll come home.
44:49
Speaker 2: And the whole time I'm thinking, am I really doing this?
44:53
Speaker 2: Like, do I really wanna do this?
44:55
Speaker 2: Can I do this?
44:56
Speaker 2: I'm having panic attack, my anxiety is through the roof, my mind's racing.
45:00
Speaker 2: I get home and I take a shower.
45:03
Speaker 2: I couldn't eat.
45:04
Speaker 2: My stomach was so knotted up now because I'd been drinking for two full days I hadn't eaten anything.
45:09
Speaker 2: And now I gotta get on a damn plane to go to rehab.
45:12
Speaker 2: How did I let my life get this bad?
45:15
Speaker 2: Now?
45:16
Speaker 2: Are you serious?
45:17
Speaker 2: This is what's happening to me right now.
45:20
Speaker 2: And I'm sitting on the edge of my bed and the bags are packed and I got like three hours for the plane leaves and this voice pops in my head and says come with me and it was my addiction talking to me.
45:37
Speaker 2: And it grabs me by the hand and it walks me to the basement of my home and it throws a rope around my neck and it steps me up on a bucket and says just end it, just end the pain.
45:52
Speaker 2: And I go down to my basement and I put a rope around my neck and I step up on a bucket and I think about a minute, maybe two, go by and I'm sitting there with the rope around my neck and I'm crying and my wife realizes I'm not in the bed and she comes down the steps and she sees me in the corner of her basement in the dark standing on a bucket with a rope around my neck.
46:15
Speaker 2: She says what are you doing?
46:17
Speaker 2: I said I can't do it, I can't go, I just want the pain to stop and I don't know how to do it.
46:25
Speaker 2: And she says Tim, do you know what this would do to your girls?
46:31
Speaker 2: Please, please, get down.
46:34
Speaker 2: Everything is gonna be okay.
46:37
Speaker 2: Just please get down.
46:40
Speaker 2: I get down and I fall to the floor and I cry for like 10 minutes and then I get up, I go upstairs and I call Brandon.
46:46
Speaker 2: I'm like hey, man, I'm going, I gotta go.
46:50
Speaker 2: If I don't go, this is gonna kill me.
46:53
Speaker 2: And all she says is I'm proud of you, I love you.
46:57
Speaker 2: Call me when you pass security.
46:59
Speaker 2: So my mom comes and picks me up and drives me to the airport Okay, pass security.
47:05
Speaker 2: I call him.
47:06
Speaker 2: I say hey, bud, I got about 30 minutes for plane leaves.
47:08
Speaker 2: Pass security, I'm going.
47:11
Speaker 2: And all he says is I'm proud of you.
47:12
Speaker 2: I love you.
47:14
Speaker 2: You're about to get back everything you've lost times 10.
47:16
Speaker 2: And he hangs up as I go to sit down at that seat, waiting for them to call me to board the plane.
47:25
Speaker 2: As I sit down in the chair, I get this overwhelming feeling of hope that engulfs my entire body.
47:36
Speaker 2: It was a warm, blanket feeling that came over me that I've never felt in my entire life.
47:43
Speaker 2: All my worry went away.
47:46
Speaker 2: My panic, my anxiety, my depression, my racing thoughts, everything immediately just left me.
47:54
Speaker 2: And I hear this voice that I've never heard in my life.
47:59
Speaker 2: It was a calm woman's voice and she says everything is gonna be okay.
48:08
Speaker 2: I knew at that moment, at the age of 44 years old, that I was finally gonna get the help I needed to save my life.
48:16
Speaker 2: I've never had that experience before in my life and if I were not to acknowledge how powerful that experience was, what a waste of life this would have been.
48:28
Speaker 2: I truly believe I had a spiritual awakening that day in the airport and that all of my mental illness and addiction cravings were taken from me that day.
48:40
Speaker 2: I have 17 months sober as of yesterday, after 27 years of continuous drug addiction and alcoholism.
48:49
Speaker 2: I have not thought about drugs or alcohol once, I have not wanted to use it once, I have not craved it once.
48:59
Speaker 2: It is as if it was taken from me, but what it has given to me was something that I took for granted every single day, and that's this gift of life my gratitude of being able to wake up each and every day to experience what the day has in store for us.
49:20
Speaker 2: Now, I was always that class half empty guy.
49:26
Speaker 2: Where the hell is the rest of my drink?
49:28
Speaker 2: Where's the ice cubes?
49:29
Speaker 2: And why isn't it coming over the top of the cup?
49:31
Speaker 2: Now I'm just so thankful that there's something even in the cup, because that's all I need.
49:39
Speaker 2: My life has changed more than anybody could have told me.
49:47
Speaker 2: My buddy.
49:48
Speaker 2: I called him the other day.
49:49
Speaker 2: I said, man, you lied to me.
49:50
Speaker 2: He said what do you mean?
49:52
Speaker 2: I lied to you.
49:52
Speaker 2: I said I didn't get back 10 times everything.
49:55
Speaker 2: I said I've gotten back 100 times.
49:57
Speaker 2: And I said and it keeps on giving back.
49:59
Speaker 2: I said this is truly amazing experience.
50:01
Speaker 2: And I said, and I stopped believing in coincidences.
50:05
Speaker 2: I said cause, there's no way you can't tell me that this stuff hasn't happened to me for a reason Now, and I stopped doing the whole resentment of why did this happen to me?
50:18
Speaker 2: Why, why 27 years?
50:21
Speaker 2: What didn't happen to me?
50:24
Speaker 2: It was happening for me.
50:26
Speaker 2: It was happening for me to understand how truly special this gift of life is.
50:33
Speaker 2: We have one shot at this and I wasted three quarters of my life not knowing who I was, not knowing my purpose, trying to numb the pain, not trying to live the life that we have.
50:50
Speaker 2: My wife should have left me, got a dozen over times and six months in my sobriety.
50:57
Speaker 2: I said can I ask you something?
50:58
Speaker 2: And she said yeah.
50:59
Speaker 2: I said why didn't you leave me?
51:00
Speaker 2: And she looked at me and she says cause I love you and I believe in you, and I believed in you even when you didn't believe in yourself.
51:07
Speaker 2: I knew you could always be the man that I once married, even when you didn't think you could.
51:12
Speaker 2: To have somebody by my side throughout this whole thing is truly a blessing To be able to share this experience with my children and my wife and my mom being able to finally see me sober at 73 years old, after not seeing her son sober since the age of 18, you know she had my one year anniversary of my home group.
51:38
Speaker 2: They actually called my mother up to speak in front of everybody and she said you know, I didn't tell my son this.
51:47
Speaker 2: Every time we hung up the phone together we were arguing, he would yell at me, he would cuss at me, she said, and I'd hang up the phone in tears and I'd cry myself to sleep some night, she said, and all that I ever prayed for was please help my son get sober.
52:01
Speaker 2: She said that's all I've ever asked for.
52:04
Speaker 2: And she said and today he's got one year.
52:06
Speaker 2: She was.
52:07
Speaker 2: My prayers were answered and I was crying, like when we think nobody cares about us.
52:15
Speaker 2: We are so wrong.
52:17
Speaker 2: We are so loved by the friends and family that we have in our life.
52:22
Speaker 2: And don't ever think that your pain is yours alone.
52:25
Speaker 2: Don't ever think that nobody could possibly understand what you're going through.
52:30
Speaker 2: There are so many people out here suffering with the same exact thing that you're suffering with, and or more.
52:37
Speaker 2: We as a community for mental illness and addiction and abuse need to reach out to each other, help each other and help bring that stigma down of not talking and not sharing and not speaking.
52:54
Speaker 2: The more we help, the less people die from this disease of addiction, mental health abuse.
53:02
Speaker 2: The more we help, the more people understand how truly precious they are to this world.
53:10
Speaker 2: The probability that Dave was born, or the probability that Tim was born, is 1 in 400 trillion.
53:17
Speaker 2: We already won the lottery with our lives.
53:21
Speaker 2: We're already unique individuals.
53:23
Speaker 2: There will never be anybody like you.
53:24
Speaker 2: There will never be anybody like me.
53:26
Speaker 2: Let's go find our purpose.
53:29
Speaker 2: Let's help each other and let's keep sharing to help the next person down the line.
53:34
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I agree.
53:37
Speaker 1: One thing that you said that really triggered me is when you said that these things were happening not to you but for you.
53:45
Speaker 1: And I just started 41, so I've been in that Been in that my attack happened seven years ago, so I was 34.
53:56
Speaker 1: I didn't know hate existed until then and I had a good life and everything was just turned upside down and changed.
54:04
Speaker 1: I became hated in my hometown because the media pretty much released gay guy goes to straight bar, takes straight men home for sex and gets beat up.
54:13
Speaker 1: So not what happened?
54:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, so death threats started and people wanting to find me and finish the job started.
54:21
Speaker 1: I kind of became famous in a small town and it really, yeah, I was never a big guy, but I got down to 98 pounds, you know I I lost any bit of want to, you know, and finally having like that moment of realizing that if I end this, if I don't get my shit back, then he won, you know, and it was kind of what got me back to a healthier, better place and I therapy has just saved my life.
55:03
Speaker 1: And now, looking at where I am now, I wouldn't change anything that I went through the past seven years at all, because the people that I'm helping, the awareness that I'm bringing, has just been so incredible.
55:15
Speaker 1: I feel like I found my way, you know, in the world and I feel better than I ever have.
55:23
Speaker 1: And, man, you're, so you're such a good storyteller, like I think of how, like when my spirits are really high right now, you know, and I was thinking like when this ends, I want to get up and go do something you know.
55:40
Speaker 1: So, thank you for that and happy 17 months.
55:46
Speaker 1: That's a big deal, thank you thank you.
55:50
Speaker 2: I can't honestly believe that I have 17 months cleaning and sober from all mine alternating chemicals.
55:56
Speaker 1: Well, and to think too and I'm sure you've already thought about this but to do it at the time of where we were in this world, with COVID and people not knowing from one day to the next if they're getting a paycheck or third job, was going to be able to work from home, and or they were laid off or they were going to get sick, you know.
56:15
Speaker 1: And how do I take care of my 70 year old mother when I can't be around her because of the you know like to do?
56:21
Speaker 1: What you've done in the 17 months of this world is being out of control.
56:28
Speaker 1: Like that is amazing, that is amazing and I'm so glad that your daughters are getting maybe the father that you never had.
56:38
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, and my oldest.
56:41
Speaker 2: She lived with us at the time when I came back from rehab.
56:44
Speaker 2: You know, here I am.
56:46
Speaker 2: I did 32 days of rehab.
56:48
Speaker 2: I walk in the dorm like I'm home.
56:49
Speaker 2: You know, look at me, I'm 32 days clean in my wife.
56:53
Speaker 2: She's like Tim, you gotta show action.
56:56
Speaker 2: She's like we're happy that you're clean and sober.
57:00
Speaker 2: And my daughter wouldn't talk to me, like she would just come in the house and go right upstairs to her bedroom.
57:05
Speaker 2: She wouldn't say nothing to me, wouldn't look at me, wouldn't talk to me.
57:07
Speaker 2: And this went on for months and, like around the four month mark, I'm like is she gonna ever speak to me?
57:14
Speaker 2: She's like Tim, just let it, let it go, let time heal.
57:18
Speaker 2: Keep going to your meetings, keep reading your books, keep working your steps.
57:22
Speaker 2: It will happen when it's supposed to happen.
57:25
Speaker 2: Nine months they took nine months and it was on my nine months, the fifth of the month, the nine months I had to keep clean and sober.
57:34
Speaker 2: I just randomly get a text while I'm at work and it's from my oldest daughter and she says dad, I just want you to know how proud I am of you, thank you for letting me heal, because I knew that you were healing as well and I haven't had.
57:50
Speaker 2: I haven't had.
57:51
Speaker 2: I haven't been able to tell you this, but I love you, I'm proud of you and I'm so happy to have my father back.
57:58
Speaker 2: I think I cried for like a 30 minutes after I read that text message and I screen shot of it and I sent it to my wife and I'm like she just sent me this and she calls me.
58:10
Speaker 2: She didn't text me back.
58:11
Speaker 2: She's like your daughter sent you that.
58:12
Speaker 2: I was like, yes, and she was crying.
58:14
Speaker 2: She's like I'm so happy to him.
58:16
Speaker 2: She's like, see, she's like it's gonna be okay, time heals.
58:19
Speaker 2: And then I finally realized you know, time stands for things I must earn it doesn't happen overnight Things I must earn back.
58:30
Speaker 2: I was in the woods for 27 years.
58:32
Speaker 2: I was lost.
58:34
Speaker 2: I walked in circles, I didn't know my way out.
58:36
Speaker 2: It's not gonna take me 27 years to find my way out, because I know the direct path to getting out, but I know it's gonna take time and I will eventually find my way out.
58:47
Speaker 2: And it just gets brighter and brighter every single day and I get closer and closer to the edge of that darkness and I know what it has in store for me is beyond my wildest dreams.
59:00
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I look forward to the future.
59:05
Speaker 1: That's amazing to hear.
59:07
Speaker 1: One question that I do have for you is did you ever self-evaluate and get in touch with what the core of the problem was that led you to the addiction?
59:18
Speaker 1: Do you think that it was the abandonment issues with your father?
59:22
Speaker 1: Do you think that that was the core?
59:25
Speaker 2: I think that was a majority of it.
59:27
Speaker 2: I honestly do.
59:28
Speaker 2: That's what we talked a lot about in therapy over and over and over again.
59:32
Speaker 2: And the funny thing is once my mom told me that it wasn't the reason and I kind of realized, oh shit, it wasn't the reason.
59:44
Speaker 2: I was so far into my addiction at that point I was already addicted.
59:48
Speaker 2: I was already an alcoholic and addict, so I didn't need any more motivation to drink or drug anymore.
59:57
Speaker 2: I've had 20 plus years of motivation from that one stemmy thing and I've had some things happen to my family in my addiction.
1:00:09
Speaker 2: That one thing I will share is my oldest daughter, at the age of 16, went to a high school party.
1:00:16
Speaker 2: This gentleman in college at the age of 21 drugged and raped my daughter at this party.
1:00:24
Speaker 2: And she comes home and tells us and I immediately feel like a failure as a father, a protector, somebody that should have been there to help her.
1:00:37
Speaker 2: How could I call myself a man if I can't protect my own children over something like this?
1:00:41
Speaker 2: And then it got worse as she was talking to the detectives and the therapists about what happened and we're writing all this stuff down.
1:00:51
Speaker 2: They then asked her has this ever happened to you before and she comes out with yes, my brother had molested my daughter three times and she never told anybody and I felt like a complete failure as a father that I didn't see the signs.
1:01:13
Speaker 2: I didn't see any of it.
1:01:18
Speaker 2: When did it happen?
1:01:19
Speaker 2: Trying to go through the last 20 years of her life like when did this happen and not knowing that she had been suffering that five, 11 and 13 years old.
1:01:31
Speaker 2: This happened to her, that my brother did this.
1:01:33
Speaker 2: This little girl had to hold on to that and it didn't come out into a grown man, raped or at a high school party.
1:01:42
Speaker 2: I used that for a long time to drink and draw it because I wanted to escape the reality of what happened to my daughter.
1:01:55
Speaker 2: I'll share this.
1:01:56
Speaker 2: This is hard because I'm sober now and I'm in recovery, but about five weeks ago my middle daughter came to me and told me that my brother had molested her as well, and my sister and my step brother and my youngest daughter all of them and now in the process with the detectives is going through all that stuff and it's hard for me.
1:02:30
Speaker 2: I'm grateful that I'm sober and that I can mentally adjust and take care of the situation properly and look at it in a different light than when it first happened to my oldest daughter.
1:02:46
Speaker 2: You know, my first reaction was I wanted to kill him, and I just wanted to kill him, sure.
1:02:53
Speaker 2: And now he needs to be put in jail and the proper things need to happen, and me doing anything would just it would take their father away from them again, and I can't have that.
1:03:09
Speaker 2: So I'm grateful that I'm sober when I heard this news, because I was able to absorb it and take it in and properly deal with it in an adult manner.
1:03:29
Speaker 1: Yeah, the fact that you're able to be that safe place for them now because even though they had the thoughts of it probably every day and probably had their own triggers, that people wasn't even realizing what it was or what it was from.
1:03:45
Speaker 1: But now that it's set out loud, you know, and knowing that you're going to be that safe place for them and make sure that you know and how aware and self-aware you are, is going to be such a blessing to them.
1:04:01
Speaker 1: You know that, that you know if we need a therapist, let's go.
1:04:05
Speaker 1: You know that because there's such stigma, stigmas that come with that.
1:04:09
Speaker 1: And I'm glad that you are where you are when you know now, because if they're coming to you with these things and that just means they trust you and you're doing your job right because you're that safe place.
1:04:23
Speaker 2: Absolutely.
1:04:23
Speaker 2: And what a what a humbling feeling.
1:04:25
Speaker 2: That is Right, that's, that's.
1:04:29
Speaker 2: That's more, that's worth more than winning the lottery.
1:04:32
Speaker 2: You know what I mean?
1:04:32
Speaker 2: That that, that's a feeling that can not be replaced with anything else.
1:04:36
Speaker 2: That is a true, heartfelt feeling that sobriety and recovery has given me.
1:04:41
Speaker 2: I'm able to feel again.
1:04:43
Speaker 2: I'm able to actually feel my emotions, and where I was trying to hide and suppress them, I welcomed them every single day, yeah, yeah.
1:04:54
Speaker 1: Wow, man, thank you for sharing so much with us.
1:04:56
Speaker 1: You know here, like, so my audience is very diverse and I love that.
1:05:03
Speaker 1: Just because I'm a gay man doesn't mean that only gay people are listening.
1:05:07
Speaker 1: And one thing that I found that is really cool and and I'm so excited you know that you, being the, the, the alpha male that you are so open about this is ever since the whole public thing with Johnny Depp has come out.
1:05:25
Speaker 1: So many straight men have mess with me and said you know what, like, I want to tell my story now and I hate that stuff like that happened to him, but to have the platform that he has and to be able to say I was abused, I was going through some shit and I want to talk about it, and it's okay to get help and and it's okay to admit it and I'm not losing my masculinity, you know, and and I think that you are doing such a cool thing and I just I really appreciate you sharing with us the way that that you have.
1:06:00
Speaker 1: Do you see, like any public speaking or motivational speaker kind of jobs in your life?
1:06:08
Speaker 2: I do.
1:06:09
Speaker 2: Actually, it's funny that you said that I'm actually being flown out to California September 22nd through the 25th to speak in front of 300 plus veterans and first responders that mental health and addiction.
1:06:22
Speaker 2: That's my first, like all paid expenses yeah, a vent to go out and speak in front of.
1:06:30
Speaker 2: Next week, the 11th, 12th and 13th, I'm driving down to North Carolina to speak in an event.
1:06:37
Speaker 2: They're paying for the hotel I just got to drive down there and speak, so it's, it's slowly but surely happening.
1:06:45
Speaker 2: I just finished my third interview with a with a magazine and they've recontacted me about doing a, possibly a 30 minute snippet on their TV show about mental health and addiction.
1:06:59
Speaker 2: This is my third podcast this week.
1:07:04
Speaker 2: I have seven more this month.
1:07:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think you said this was your 52nd.
1:07:10
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I have seven more book just this month.
1:07:13
Speaker 2: Wow, I'm in the process.
1:07:17
Speaker 2: I don't like talking about if I'm in the process of writing a book and what I mean by I'm journaling everything I'm doing, what people are telling me to do Get this journal, journal, journal on a book until the whole damn things full and then, when it's full, then you know, go to a publisher and say this is my thoughts, this is what I'm thinking about, what can we do with it?
1:07:35
Speaker 2: But get it all on paper for?
1:07:38
Speaker 2: So I started doing that.
1:07:39
Speaker 2: I've had so many people say you need to put it in a book and because there's a lot of things that I don't share within this hour, sure, I try to get the major meat and potatoes of everything, but there's a lot of things that I could definitely put in that book and you'd be like holy shit, but okay, I needed to hear that.
1:07:59
Speaker 2: So I'm definitely doing that.
1:08:03
Speaker 2: I just became a partner with Rockstar testimony, which is a 5013C nonprofit organization for mental health and addiction, and I'm on their platform.
1:08:16
Speaker 2: Next Thursday I start my my first hosting of a mental health and addiction support group that I'll be leading every Thursday at 8pm.
1:08:29
Speaker 2: It's live and anybody can join and we just go through anything addiction or mental health and how we can overcome it and what the proper steps are and who to speak to and how to get help and any preventative maintenance that we can do.
1:08:43
Speaker 2: Now I'm finally starting to make a little bit of monetary money on the side, just from Instagram because of my following now I'm reached over 100,000.
1:08:54
Speaker 2: So I have I have ability to make money off of my postings and paid partnerships.
1:09:04
Speaker 2: So it's it's slowly surely coming to maybe being able to change my life completely where I don't have to pick up a hammer and drill every day.
1:09:13
Speaker 2: But that's not why I do this.
1:09:16
Speaker 2: I want to share my story because I want to give back what was really given to me, and that's the gift of recovery.
1:09:24
Speaker 2: It makes me feel a certain way inside that no money could ever give me.
1:09:31
Speaker 2: I truly believe my purpose now in life is to share my stories to those still suffering, in hopes that they know that they're not alone, they can recover, the help is out there and they can finally live the life that they've always wanted to live.
1:09:47
Speaker 2: Yeah.
1:09:49
Speaker 1: Hell, yeah, wow, I'm so glad you're doing the thing like it.
1:09:52
Speaker 1: It takes people like like us that isn't afraid to to speak on it and to bring it to light.
1:10:00
Speaker 1: And thank you for being here today.
1:10:02
Speaker 1: Will you keep us posted, like any links that you can send us?
1:10:07
Speaker 1: And then I know that you've seen on my page too, like the week that your episode will come out.
1:10:12
Speaker 1: Always try to like do promo ads for them, okay, that week.
1:10:16
Speaker 1: So send me some pictures that you would mind that I you know, with all of your, with all your information so people can find you.
1:10:23
Speaker 1: Okay, and definitely keep us posted on that book.
1:10:28
Speaker 2: Oh, absolutely.
1:10:28
Speaker 2: I see it happening before the end of the year.
1:10:31
Speaker 2: Yeah Heck, yeah.
1:10:32
Speaker 2: So, and what I plan on doing honestly is, once I get it done, sending it to all the people that have you on their podcasts.
1:10:42
Speaker 2: Oh I would love that you know what I mean.
1:10:44
Speaker 2: So, so we all keep in touch that way and then possibly, you know, after I send everybody on the podcast, we do a retake like, okay, he came out the house things going.
1:10:54
Speaker 2: Now you know, I read the book and he asked you some questions about this.
1:10:58
Speaker 2: You know just an updated version of everything and you know, I'm just so.
1:11:03
Speaker 2: I'm so happy to be alive and healthy and and having this experience that that was given to me.
1:11:13
Speaker 2: It's a miracle that I'm alive, it's a miracle that I'm able to share my story and it's a miracle that finally found my purpose in life.
1:11:23
Speaker 2: I'm not lost anymore and it feels so good.
1:11:27
Speaker 1: Well, after multiple failed attempts of trying to end it yourself, that, I hope, is you know your way of realizing that the world needs you, and those beautiful babies that you have need you, and, and thank you for what you're doing Definitely stay in touch.
1:11:49
Speaker 1: I would love to get your book and read it and have you back on.
1:11:53
Speaker 1: I always tell people that I want to provide an endless amount of resources, because everyone's journey is different.
1:11:59
Speaker 1: You know, right and, and so if you ever come across something like hey, you know these people, somebody might need this, please send it to me, let me post it, let me share it.
1:12:11
Speaker 2: Okay, absolutely.
1:12:12
Speaker 1: Perfect.
1:12:13
Speaker 1: Will you, before we head out, will you tell everybody where they can find you, like your social media and stuff?
1:12:19
Speaker 2: Yeah, but my main page is on Instagram and it's at tea lodging at TLODG and that's why I post all my recovery, my fitness journey, my mental health advocate application and my 5013 partnership with Rockstar testimony and my message box is open to anybody If you need any questions asked, if you need to just tell me something that's on your mind.
1:12:46
Speaker 2: I respond to anybody that messages me, because you never know who that person is and you never know what they're going through at that time that they message you.
1:12:57
Speaker 2: It might just save their life.
1:12:59
Speaker 2: So I get back to every single message that anybody messaged me.
1:13:02
Speaker 2: Feel free to reach out to me if you need any help getting into a rehab or getting into a facility or just getting through that day.
1:13:13
Speaker 2: I'm there for you.
1:13:15
Speaker 2: One hand washes the other and we all help each other and the one more person that we help is one less that could possibly lose their life to this disease.
1:13:45
Speaker 1: And we begin again.
1:13:47
Speaker 1: Thank you.