Latest / CrossCurrent Podcasts / Christian Parent, Crazy World - Has Culture Hijacked the Purpose of Our Parenting? (w/ Candace Nassar) - Ep. 193

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Christian Parent, Crazy World - Has Culture Hijacked the Purpose of Our Parenting? (w/ Candace Nassar) - Ep. 193 · CrossCurrent Podcasts

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Welcome, everybody, to Christian Parent Crazy World, a podcast that
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: tackles tough topics to help you be a godly parent
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: in an ungodly world. I am your host, Katherine Seegers,
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: and today we are going to tackle a really important question.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: What is the.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: Purpose of our parenting? Have you ever stopped to think
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: about that question? It's a simple one. but it's an
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: important one for every parent to consider because sometimes we
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: skip right over the purpose and jump straight to what
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: we hope to accomplish in our parenting to raise responsible kids,
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: successful kids, happy kids, or as Christian parents, kids who
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: love and follow Jesus. But what if we have the
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: wrong purpose from the start? Even when we have the
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: best intentions, we can end up striving toward outcomes that
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: were never ours to control in the first place. So
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: today we are going to step back and examine the
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: foundation underneath our parenting and ask whether the way we're
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: approaching this calling is actually aligned with what God intended.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: That's the plan for this episode of Christian Parent Crazy World.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: You know, I've been thinking a lot about how easy
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: it is to get caught up in all the things
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  Speaker 1: we're supposed to be doing as parents. Are we teaching
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: them the right things? Are we setting the right boundaries?
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  Speaker 1: Are we preparing them for their future? Are we doing enough?
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  Speaker 1: But underneath all of those questions is a more important question.
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  Speaker 1: Do we really understand what our job as parents is?
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  Speaker 1: Because the way we think about our job shapes the
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  Speaker 1: way we parent. And if we get the foundation wrong,
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  Speaker 1: Even the things we're doing with the best of intentions
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: can lead us in the wrong direction. That's why I
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: love this conversation with Candice Nassar. She introduces a distinction
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  Speaker 1: between ownership parenting and ambassador parenting that can really transform
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  Speaker 1: the way we think about our role as a parent.
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  Speaker 1: What do we believe our job is? What are we
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  Speaker 1: responsible for? And what ultimately is belongs to God. We
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  Speaker 1: are going to unpack all of that in our conversation today.
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  Speaker 1: Candice Nassar is the founder and executive director of MomQ,
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  Speaker 1: which is a mentor-led discipleship ministry that equips Christian mothers
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  Speaker 1: with biblical wisdom and helps them to grow in their faith,
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  Speaker 1: to strengthen their marriages, and to build a Christ-centered home.
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  Speaker 1: You're going to hear all about Candice and her ministry
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: in this podcast, but most of all, Candice has a
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: deep desire to equip parents, especially moms, with the right
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: foundation for parenting to help us understand our calling and
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: learn to parent our children in a way that reflects
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  Speaker 1: the heart of God. So with that said, I will
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  Speaker 1: take you to my conversation with Candice Nassar. Candice, it's
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  Speaker 1: so awesome to have you here on Christian Parent Crazy World.
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  Speaker 2: Welcome. Thank you so much. I'm so excited and honored
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  Speaker 2: to be here, Katherine.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, we just had a really rich, wonderful conversation on
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  Speaker 1: your show. I will make sure that my listeners hear
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: about that, those who subscribe on my website. But definitely
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: check out your podcast. We're going to hear all about
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: that today. But before we get to the question at hand,
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  Speaker 1: I love this question, what is the purpose of our parenting?
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  Speaker 1: Why don't you tell us a little bit more about you,
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  Speaker 1: who you are, what does your family look like today,
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  Speaker 1: and what led you to start Mom Q. That's three
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: questions right there. Can you keep up with them if
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: you need me to refer back to them?
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  Speaker 2: I will. Oh, good. No, I got it. I got it.
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  Speaker 2: Thank you. Okay, so I have been married 35 years.
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  Speaker 2: I have three adult children. One is married. And I
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: have a granddaughter who's 15 months. And that's the greatest
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  Speaker 2: privilege that I've had in a long time. And my
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  Speaker 2: oldest is a daughter. She lives in New York City.
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: And then my youngest is engaged and he's moving to
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  Speaker 2: New York City. So you had talked to me earlier
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  Speaker 2: about your performance on Broadway. Well, my kids, they're not performers,
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: but they do love New York City. And I love
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  Speaker 2: it too. So I'll be visiting a lot.
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  Speaker 1: Let me clarify there for my listeners. My performance on
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  Speaker 1: Broadway was actually on the street. I nearly got hit
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  Speaker 1: by a cab. I didn't actually perform in a theater there,
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  Speaker 1: although that was my aspiration. Just clarify.
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  Speaker 2: Hilarious story of that. So yeah. So and then you
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  Speaker 2: asked me what led me to MomQ. And to answer that,
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  Speaker 2: I have to go back into what led me to Jesus.
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  Speaker 2: And basically, I did not grow up in a Christian home.
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  Speaker 2: In fact, my home was unhealthy and I had no
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  Speaker 2: idea how to be a wife or a mother. And
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  Speaker 2: I found myself, I had an 18 month old and
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  Speaker 2: I had just moved to Dallas, Texas and was lonely
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  Speaker 2: and struggling. My marriage was a little bit on the
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  Speaker 2: rocks and I didn't know where to turn. And then
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  Speaker 2: I happened to see a newsletter that our neighborhood had.
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  Speaker 2: They advertised a Bible study for moms and child care
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  Speaker 2: was provided. And that's all I needed to see, right?
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  Speaker 2: And I immediately said, you know, I am kind of curious.
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  Speaker 2: I've never read the Bible. Let me just check it out.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe I'll meet some people and see what happens. So
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  Speaker 2: I went and they happened to be studying the book
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  Speaker 2: of John. And as you know, probably that is just
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  Speaker 2: such a foundational book for someone who doesn't know who
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  Speaker 2: Jesus is. And I found out that he died for me.
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  Speaker 2: for my sins. And I honestly didn't even believe that
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  Speaker 2: I was a sinner because my concept of sin was
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  Speaker 2: someone who murdered or committed adultery or, you know, big
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  Speaker 2: things like that. And I knew I hadn't done that. And,
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  Speaker 2: and so I actually went to a lunch with one
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  Speaker 2: of the leaders and asked her all these questions. And
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  Speaker 2: one of my questions was, well, what is sin? Like
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  Speaker 2: I'm not a sinner. And she was so precious to
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  Speaker 2: sit there and answer all my questions. And And she explained, well,
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  Speaker 2: do you yell at your husband? Are you selfish? Do
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  Speaker 2: you covet? She even had to explain what that meant.
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  Speaker 2: But all the things that I didn't realize were sin.
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  Speaker 2: And at that moment, I was like, oh, well, then
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  Speaker 2: that changes everything. And I just began to pray. And
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  Speaker 2: within a few months, I laid it all out and
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  Speaker 2: trusted the Lord as my Savior. And that just completely
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  Speaker 2: changed everything. Eventually, a couple years later, my husband came
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  Speaker 2: to the Lord. Of course, we raised all our children
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  Speaker 2: in the church, and they all walk with Jesus to
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: this day. And now we have a granddaughter being raised
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: in a Christian home. So generational impact from that group
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  Speaker 2: has always influenced me. And then five years ago, I
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: was teaching high school, actually, one of the many hats
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: that God has had me wear throughout my life. I
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  Speaker 2: was teaching high school, and I was talking to moms,
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  Speaker 2: this was right after COVID, that had some, their kids
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: were struggling and they were calling because they didn't understand
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  Speaker 2: how to help them. And I wanted to help these
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  Speaker 2: moms in a ministry way and wasn't able to in
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  Speaker 2: my capacity as a teacher. And so I just went
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  Speaker 2: to my church and I said, you know, I really
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  Speaker 2: want to start a mom's group. What would that look like?
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  Speaker 2: And I started looking for curriculum and I couldn't find
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  Speaker 2: anything that fit the vision, fit what God had shown
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  Speaker 2: me in that time was, here's what I want you
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  Speaker 2: to do. I want you to do what was done
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  Speaker 2: for you. mentor-led discipleship that's deep, that really goes into
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: what it looks like to lay behind your past and
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: let Jesus transform you. And so I had created a
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  Speaker 2: curriculum for my school district. And as I began to
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  Speaker 2: pray about it, God showed me clearly, you can create this,
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  Speaker 2: you can do it. And so that's how MomQ was born.
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  Speaker 2: And God just has continued to bring People to me,
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  Speaker 2: I now have, I've for a few years had a
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  Speaker 2: curriculum director who is a graduate of Dallas Theological Seminary.
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  Speaker 2: She took the things that I wrote and elevated it.
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  Speaker 2: And we now have four video series produced professionally on
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  Speaker 2: video with all the curriculum, all the things that go
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  Speaker 2: with it, small group questions. We train our mentors and
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  Speaker 2: we have chapters around the country. So it's been an
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  Speaker 2: incredible blessing to watch what God has done with my
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  Speaker 2: shaky yes.
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  Speaker 1: I love that. You just brought up such memories for
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  Speaker 1: me when I had my very first young child trying
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  Speaker 1: to get in a Bible study and the childcare, that
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  Speaker 1: was huge.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, it's critical.
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  Speaker 1: That was it. Like you can't do it without the childcare.
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  Speaker 1: And I can remember some of them had childcare that
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: was very reasonable, like five bucks a week or something
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  Speaker 1: like that. And some, and even then I can remember, okay, honey,
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  Speaker 1: we're going to have a $ 20 childcare. to our budget
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: this month because we were like, you know, really tight
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  Speaker 1: when you're young with kids, but especially ones that might
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: have a free childcare or something very reasonable. That was everything.
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  Speaker 1: And I can remember... I remember signing up for a
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  Speaker 1: Bible study, and then I was so excited, and I
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  Speaker 1: got the call. I'm sorry. We don't have enough kids
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  Speaker 1: signed up, and we're not going to be able to
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  Speaker 1: offer child care. It was like a dagger to the
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  Speaker 1: heart because, I mean, we had to have it in
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: order to go. So props to all of the ministries
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  Speaker 1: and churches out there that are providing child care with
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  Speaker 1: their Bible study. Just think of all of this. I'm
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  Speaker 1: looking at you with the beautiful mom cue sign. I
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  Speaker 1: was telling you my studio, I don't have my podcasting
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  Speaker 1: area set up yet, but all of that flowed out
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  Speaker 1: of Bible study that offered childcare. It's the truth. It's awesome.
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  Speaker 1: And then you studied what is my favorite gospel, the
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  Speaker 1: book of John. I love that. the book of John,
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  Speaker 1: all of the I am statements. It's just so powerful.
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  Speaker 1: If you're looking for a good place to start in
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: a Bible study, you can't go wrong with John. Love
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  Speaker 1: all the Gospels, but it's very unique amongst the Gospels.
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  Speaker 1: So I saw in your testimony and some of the
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  Speaker 1: things I was researching with MomQ that you actually experienced
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  Speaker 1: some very significant tension between your identity as a professional
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  Speaker 1: and your identity as a mother. which that is something
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  Speaker 1: I've definitely walked through. And I would love for you
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  Speaker 1: to take us into that season and tell us what
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  Speaker 1: God began teaching you about where your value really comes from.
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  Speaker 1: Because you're coming out of a very secular mindset, right?
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
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  Speaker 1: Let me just... How encouraging is it? Because you weren't
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: raised in a Christian home.
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  Speaker 2: Nope.
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  Speaker 1: And God still found you. So those of us who
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: have children who are raised in Christian homes and they're
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: out there struggling, God can bring them back. But praise
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: God that he rescued you and you weren't even raised
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  Speaker 1: in a Christian home. But tell us about that season
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  Speaker 1: where God began really teaching you about where your value
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  Speaker 1: really comes from.
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  Speaker 2: So important. I love to share this. So I was
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: always a striver. That was something ingrained in me from
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: actually probably growing up. And then I started working early
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: and by the time I was 24, I had my
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: master's in business. I was going for it. I saw
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: myself as a future CEO. I have a strong leadership
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: personality and I was going for it. Well, soon after
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  Speaker 2: I had my daughter, my husband and I realized this
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: is complicated and child care and all of that sort
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: of thing. And he asked, he said, would you consider
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: staying home? And I thought about it. I did not
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: want to. It was not at all the plans that
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: I had. To be honest, I was worried about losing
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: the income and I was definitely worried about losing my
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: mind because I like to have a very busy mind
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: and I needed to keep it occupied, you know. But
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: I agreed to try it for about a few months
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: and see how it went. Well, six months in, I
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: was bored. I was not a believer. I did not
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: have my identity was totally caught up in achievement and approval.
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: And it wasn't long before I was ready to just
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: go back to work. And so I put her in
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: a children's mom's day out type of situation that was
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: every day, but it wasn't a long, full day. And
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: I started a consulting business working from home long before
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: people were working from home. And then we moved to
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: Dallas and that's where I became a believer. I had
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: another baby. And as I started to be discipled by
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: the women that poured into me from that Bible study,
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: God started working on me and changing my priorities. And
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: as I studied his word, I wanted more time. I wanted,
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: as I started to get to know him and who
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: he was, I realized that This is what I have
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: always been longing for. And I wanted more time with him.
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: I wanted more time to serve him. And I wanted
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: more time with my kids, honestly. But I was afraid
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: of being bored again. And I didn't think we could
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: do it financially. And so I didn't stay home yet.
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  Speaker 2: I still kept my foot in there and was doing
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  Speaker 2: all the things and trying to be everything for everybody
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: and burning out and stressing out. And then, don't you know,
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: we moved again. My husband was in the corporate world
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: and he got a big promotion to move to the Northeast.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: And so we got up and left and went to
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: the Northeast. I continued my business. I had another baby.
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  Speaker 2: But at this point, my husband was a believer. We
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: were in a very, very godly, just theologically sound church
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: that was teaching us. And we were growing fast in
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: the Lord and understanding what he wanted from us as
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: parents and as I started surrendering my goals and my
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: plans to the Lord, He began to show me that
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: my identity was in the wrong thing, that I had
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: these false gods, these lies that I was believing that
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: my worth was tied up in what I accomplished. And
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: that this motherhood job that just seems so lowly and
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: sacrificial was really the most beautiful thing that I could do.
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  Speaker 2: And that, you know, my identity is never going to
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: be in what I can achieve and perform for him.
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  Speaker 2: I learned from my home family, my family of origin
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  Speaker 2: to perform for love and approval. And that's what I wanted.
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: I thought God wanted for me. And so when he
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: showed me, no, your identity is grounded in being created
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: by me and redeemed by Christ. Well, that was just
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: it was just life changing, life giving. And so. It
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: was through a series of circumstances that he clearly showed
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: me and revealed that I needed to step out in faith.
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  Speaker 2: I needed to close my business and completely switch gears.
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  Speaker 2: Not only did I become a stay at home mom,
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: but I started homeschooling. So I jumped right in to
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: the whole thing. The deep end. The deep end. That's
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: how I do things. But honestly, the point was that
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: I had a divided heart. I couldn't follow God. He
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: was calling me. He was clearly calling me to stay
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: at home and homeschool and prioritize my kids and my family.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: And as long as I was ignoring that, I was
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: not going to be in a place of blessing with Him. Now,
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: I'm not saying that He calls everyone to that, but
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: He definitely called me. And so if I didn't obey,
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: it would not have been good. And so I did.
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: And I jumped in and It was a process. I'm
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: not saying that it was easy, but throughout, you know,
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: just being around the community of homeschooling moms and all
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: the Bible studies and things I was doing, he just
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: continued to mold me and shape me until, yeah, it was,
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: I understood the beauty and the ministry and the mission
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: of motherhood.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: It is a mission. That is so beautiful. I love
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: your testimony. That is incredible because the season's not forever.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: That little sacred, quiet, seemingly insignificant season because God is
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: doing so much underneath the surface in that season that
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: he is planting seeds that he will use for your
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: good and his glory. And incredible things later on in
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: your life. All the ministry you're doing now was birthed
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: in that season. The ministry I'm doing now was birthed
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: in the season when we weren't doing anything else. We
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: were wiping bottoms. We had snotty rags on us. And
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: it looked so lowly and humble and insignificant by the
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: world's standards. But God does not judge us by those standards.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: he judges us by a very different standard. And when
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: we're faithful there, man, he will open doors and use
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: our gifts and fulfill our calling and much bigger arenas.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: And I shared on your show, like you said, it
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: wasn't easy. And not that God is calling everyone to
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: have that same exact season that we did, but my
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: background was in theater. And I told you how I
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: was doing Shakespearean monologues for my dogs in the basement
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: because I missed it. I missed it. It's not that
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: there isn't a heartache and letting go of some of
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: those things. But there is a beauty in the simplicity
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: of those early, that early season of motherhood, and you're
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: never going to get it back. So soak it up.
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: I mean, the time that I got with them was precious.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: And I know that, I mean, and I'm thinking about
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: you performing in your basement or whatever. I, I turned
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: to homeschooling because I'm a kind of a project manager, planner,
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: all these things. And I, I tried to put all
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: that into homeschooling, right? And just have my kids sit
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: down and, okay, we're going to do this and this
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: and this. And quickly I learned, okay, that's not how
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: it goes either. But the beauty of the time that
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: I got with them and it has replayed, it's been
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: a hundredfold reward for that. So great, great investment.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: Well, your testimony leads perfectly into this question. So I
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: was listening to some of your teaching and I'm like,
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: this question is Man, we need to be starting with
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: this question. And too often we get really far down
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: the road before we actually consider what is the purpose
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: of our parenting. If we're parents, we really ought to
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: go 101 on this one. And too often we skip
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: over that question. And sometimes we're actually answering that question
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: in a way that perhaps isn't biblical. And we're parenting
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: in a way that perhaps isn't. doesn't have God's heart
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: in his mind. So why do you think that so
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: many of us never really stopped to ask that question?
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: Well, you know, I think just in our society, we
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: want to raise kids to perform and be independent. I
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: shouldn't say perform, but just to be successful, be independent
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: and kind of live vicariously through them. Yes. I think
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: one of the reasons we just kind of fall into
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: parenthood because it's the next step. It's an expectation from
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: our family or whatever. And we don't even... And of course,
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: we know they don't come with a manual. And so
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: we just... hit it without really processing what is, why
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: God gave us children. What is the purpose? What is
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: the point? And the fundamental thing is that our children
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: don't belong to us. And yet we totally parent like
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: they do. And so that is, I think, when, you know,
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: in our culture, parents are stressed out. It has gotten
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: to the point where the Surgeon General issued a public
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: health advisory in 2024 on parental stress. And I mean,
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: that's big. He cited research on how social media comparison
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: culture fuels burnout, anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy in parenting.
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: And most of us don't even realize it. We don't
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: consciously choose why we become parents. We are just parenting
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: the way culture has taught us, right? And I love
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: the title of your podcast, Christian Parenting Crazy World. I mean,
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: the culture that we are in quietly drives all our
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: decisions and how we invest our resources as parents. And
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: that is to raise happy, successful, independent kids. But is
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: that what God wants? where is God in that picture?
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: As Christians, we are called to be different from the
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: world and not form our values from our culture. And
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: yet so much of how we parent is formed from
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: our culture. So it's just, we have to go back
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: to the fundamentals of why God established the institution of family.
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: And what if parenting is a calling from God? And
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: we've already said it's a calling, but if it is,
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: then how does that affect what we do every day?
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: That is so good. It is a ministry and a
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: calling from God. And too often we see our kids
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: as mini-me's. They're little reflections of us. They're little report
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: cards in parenting. And then when something goes awry, we're like, okay, well,
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: I screwed up. And I think that is, if you've
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: ever felt that way as a parent, that's a flag
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: right there that may be your perspective today. you haven't
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: answered this question correctly. Your perspective on parenting may not
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: be the right perspective.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: I just have to tell this little joke. I was,
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: I was, I can't remember exactly what this other mother said,
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: but she was always like, you have that one friend
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: that's always crazy honest about everything. So you asked, I
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: asked her how her kid was doing. And she said
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: something to the effect that, well, she's living in a
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: deliverance shack out in a field in Mississippi. And I'm like, what? Like,
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: you know, that movie deliverance. And I'm like, and I'm like,
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: How refreshing it is that she didn't play the game,
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: the cultural game, and actually look at her child as
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: a reflection. Her child was struggling. She was living in
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: a place she didn't like. We were just all sitting
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: around eating chips and sauce at a Mexican restaurant. And
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I laughed out loud. But at the same time,
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: I'm like, how refreshing is it that, okay, she's not bad. Obviously,
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: she's not happy with where her daughter is, but at
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: the same time, she's not feeling judged by it. She's
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: not playing the cultural game that my child is a
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: reflection of me and a report card of me. Obviously,
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: I have a responsibility as a parent, and this is
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: concerning to me. So I love this idea. Let's get
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: back to what is the purpose of our parenting, because
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: if we've got that wrong purpose in mind, we're always
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: going to feel like any decision they make that's not great,
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: like living in a shack out in a prairie or
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: field or something like that. That's not, that's obviously not
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: how we raise them. We raise them with all of
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: these ideas and we sowed these certain seeds and we're
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: not getting that out. That's a key sign that maybe
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: we've got the wrong perspective on parenting. So we're not
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: answering the question correctly. And just now you described this,
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: the mission of parent, it's a ministry. Parenting is a
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: ministry of and a calling from God. So when we
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: realize that, how does that change the way we think
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: about the job we have been given as parents?
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: It changes everything, Catherine. It really does. I mean, I
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: know when I had this insight and God showed me
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: all of this, it changes how we spend our time
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: and our resources. As a family, it changes what we do.
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: It changes our rhythms, our activities, our academic focus. It
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: changes our daily conversation. I mean, it literally changes everything
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: because we invite God in, in a way that we
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: probably hadn't thought of doing before. And again, we have
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: to understand that our kids don't belong to us, that
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: in fact, we are stewarding them on his behalf. They've
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: been given to us for a time. And yes, we
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: are the one that he gave them to because he
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: knows we can do what he has for them as,
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: as mothers, but they're given to us for a time
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: and then we give them back. And that is such
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: a hard thing. And I know I've gone through it.
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: I mean, having adult children, but we, we don't get
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: to keep them. And, and so it's to have the
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: mindset from the beginning that they're his and not ours
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: changes everything.
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: When you just mentioned giving them back, I had the
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: image of Hannah in the Old Testament, you know, when
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: she brought Samuel. And I think most people think he
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: was probably quite young, you know, because he had to
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: have been weaned. But she had him for a little while,
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: but she gave him back much younger than most of
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: us do. But at some point, we all come to
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: that little place, that place of, you know, of giving
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: the child back to God, that my primary work here
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: is done. I am now going to be a counselor
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: in their lives, which is what we talked about on
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: your show a little bit, offering advice when asked and
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: prompted by the Holy Spirit. We're not giving lectures and
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: coaching them anymore all the time. We're staying in our
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: lane as parents. And that is is hard, if not
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: impossible to do if we don't have the right perspective
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: on parenting. And you lean into a lot of the
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: teaching of Paul David Tripp on this, who talks about
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: the difference between ownership parenting and ambassador parenting. I love
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: this terminology. I think it's really awesome. So let's talk
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: about ownership a little bit. What does ownership parenting look
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: like in everyday life? And mind you, this is the
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: kind of parenting that the perspective that many of us have,
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: but it's not biblical. So what does that look like
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: in everyday life?
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: Well, of course it is how our culture parents, and
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: we've already kind of talked about how our culture parents.
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: So ownership parenting is where it's motivated by what we
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: want from our kids and for our kids.
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: Tripp says it may, it seems right, it feels right,
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: but it is foundationally misguided. And it looks responsible and
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: loving on the outside, but underneath, we're trying to manage
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: them toward an outcome that we've decided on rather than
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: stewarding them toward who God made them to be. When
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: I saw that and read that, I was like, that's it.
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: That's exactly it. What we're doing in our culture is
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: we are trying, it's about what we want from and
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: for our kids. And it's also part of our comparison
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: culture that we want our kids, you said it earlier,
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: a reflection of us. We judge how good of parents
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: we are based on how our children succeed, what college
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: they go to, what job they have, how they conduct themselves.
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: I mean, it's not, but we got to ask, who
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: does God want them to be? Because we don't want
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: to live vicariously through our kids. That's a good recipe
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: to have a broken relationship as an adult. Some parents
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: just throw God into the mix and it's really, he's
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: got to be the priority. And I taught high school
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: is one of the many things that I've done and
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: hats that I've worn. And I saw the result of
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: this ownership parenting every single day because kids were so
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: stressed out. And just depressed even because their performance, their, this,
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: this pressure to perform and achieve what their parents want
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: them to. And the fear that they're going to fail
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: puts them into this, this really high pressure situation. And
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: it's not good. It's not healthy. And so even if
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: we don't mean to, our kids feel that. And so
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: they need to know, we need to tell them constantly
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: that that we love them regardless of what they do
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: and how they perform. And that we just want to
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: help them be kingdom minded and be right. And we
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: want to raise them for the kingdom to follow the Lord.
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: And so I think that ownership parenting is just, it's a,
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: it's a mindset that our parenting is about us really, honestly. Yeah.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: They're just wonderful. extensions of us and at its core
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: it's manipulative and no one wants to be manipulated and
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: at some point usually a person will mature to the
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: point where they liberate themselves from manipulation and from relationships
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: that manipulate them and that's why there can be it's
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: not the sole reason you may have a broken relationship
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: with a child but parents who operate from this place
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: tend to have either completely broken relationships with their children
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: or not healthy ones. It's definitely not healthy. And it's
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: not what God intended. That is what is most important.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: I love that you say at the heart of ownership parenting,
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: it's actually a trust problem. You have a line that
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: I love. You say, control is what I tend to
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: when I'm struggling to trust. That's across the board, whether
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: it's parenting or marriage or work or home, you name it.
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: Control is what I tend to when I am struggling
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: to trust. So why is control such a natural response
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: for parents? And how does it show up in ways
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: we might not even recognize? I've created for parents walking
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: that tough prodigal road. You'll also get my free e-book,
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: Beyond the Lies, uncovering five myths the culture spreads to mothers. Plus,
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: powerful scripture lists to pray over your kids and even
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: scripture songs to help your family hide God's word in
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: your heart without even trying. And of course, I'll keep
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: you encouraged with my weekly newsletter full of faith-filled pep
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: talks and outlines of what we're tackling each week on
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: the show. So don't miss out. Head over to katherinseegers.com.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: That's katherinseegers.com And subscribe today because Christian parenting may be crazy,
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: but you don't have to do it alone.
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: Oh my goodness. Well, first of all, we know as
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: women that we tend towards control anyway. It's just part
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: of the curse that control is just something that we
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: desperately want. And yet it is so unhealthy for us.
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: And we have to remember over and over every day
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: We don't own our children. We can't control their choices. Honestly,
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: control is an illusion. We really don't have control. It's
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: something we drive ourselves crazy trying to convince ourselves and
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: the people around us that we can control, but it
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: really is not realistic. We can't control our children's choices
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: any more than we can control the rotation of the earth.
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: And yet... We try to manage all these outcomes and
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: it's exhausting. It's absolutely exhausting. We want to know why
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: are we so tired as parents? Why are we so
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: tired as mothers? Because we're trying to control things that
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: are not meant for us to control. And so it
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: is a trust problem. If we are devastated when our
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: children don't get the grade that we think they should
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: get or they don't get on the team, then that's
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: a sign. That is a sign that that we're not
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: having the right perspective. And if we try to intervene
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: and fix it for them, that's even a harder issue.
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: That's where control has really gone awry because we are
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: telling them ultimately that you can't, you're not capable and
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: you don't have the ability to solve this problem yourself.
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: That's actually a whole nother conversation that we could have
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: about raising resilient kids that I'm very passionate about is
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: just allowing them to fail and struggle. But I, but
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: ultimately control, if we try to control our children, it's
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: really a trust issue wearing a parenting costume.
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: That's good. That is so true. And as you're talking
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: right now, I can recognize even recently, I don't know,
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: maybe even last weekend, where this kind of spirit of
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: control was rearing its head inside of me. We've just
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: moved to a new area. My son had a couple
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: of options for a baseball team and we went with
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: one option. And so it's a brand new team. They're
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: still trying to gel and get their footing, but let's
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: just say that the first tournament was a little ugly
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: in terms of the scoreboard. And then the second one,
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: it improved a little bit, but we actually got to
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: see the other team that he had an option with.
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: And they seem to be a good bit better, or
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: at least performed a good bit better at this tournament.
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: And I can remember this, this feeling of control coming
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: up in me. Well, maybe, maybe we made the wrong decision.
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: We prayed about it all.
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: But maybe we made the wrong decision. And And as
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: if what team he's on when he's 11 years old
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: is really going to determine everything. And I say all
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: of this, look, I get that sports can be way
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: out of control. But this is a kid, I truly
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: do believe God has given him a really supernatural love
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: of a sport and a gift for it. And so
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: we're trying to steward that well. And I had to
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: step back and rest in the fact that That God
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: has this, whatever he wants to do with this kid
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: and this sport, he's completely capable of doing it with
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: the best team or the worst team or no team. Like,
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: who am I trusting? I can't control this anyways. I
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: only think that I can. Like you said, I love
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: that you, it's a facade. I can't control this. So
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: this is just like a little mini example in my life.
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: where I felt control trying to creep its ugly head
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: in here and try to tell me that maybe I
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: made a mistake that's going to affect my child adversely. No, no,
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: God is in this. He can do exactly what he
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: needs wherever you are. I can't control it anyway. So
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: let me rest in his sovereignty. And maybe we have
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: a few more character building games in our future. And
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: that's fine. They do build character when the scoreboard is
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: very lopsided. But I think that what you're talking about,
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: this ownership parenting, it's very seductive. It can actually look
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: like we're being responsible. I need to do the best
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: for my kid. I'm a loving parent. I need to
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: make sure he's on the best team possible, blah, blah, blah.
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: By the way, I just want to say one of
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: the things the Lord convicted us to do, they play
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: a lot of Sunday tournaments. And I'm like, okay, we
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: can play on a Sunday, but you are not skipping church.
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: We do not skip. We'll go to 8 a.m. church,
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: and you may miss the game in the whole day.
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: because if they lose the first game on that day
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: and you know everybody has to weigh that out some
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: people are like no I'm not going to play personally
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: we're trying to really be Sabbath keepers but it doesn't
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: necessarily have to be a Sunday it can be a
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: different day of the week I believe Anyways, the point
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to make is we do have our standards
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: in there and we're trusting the Lord in that. But
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: it can look like we're being loving and involved parents.
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: But underneath all that, with ownership parenting, we are actually
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: feeding a very fleshly desire. And I could feel that
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: fleshly desire, even in this silly little example with my
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: kids baseball. I'm a little ashamed to admit it. But
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: you know what? I squashed that. I'm like, that is
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: my flesh. My God is perfectly capable of doing whatever
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: he needs in the lives of my kids. And I
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: just need to trust him where he has planted me.
• 36:47
  Speaker 2: That's so great.
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: This is where he planted me and I'm trusting him
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: right here. So how do we recognize when our desire
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: to guide our children has crossed over into trying to
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: control their outcomes? Because that was just a... kind of
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: humiliating example of one of my red flags that it
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: creeped up and I squashed it. But how can we
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: recognize that in ourselves?
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: I think that's a great example. It's all those situations. Like,
• 37:16
  Speaker 2: I mean, I talk to moms all the time that
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: are freaked out when their children don't get the teacher
• 37:21
  Speaker 2: that they think is the best teacher. And, you know,
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: Christian moms who go up to the school and make
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: a big deal that, you know, my child needs to
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: be switched to a different class. And, This is not
• 37:32
  Speaker 2: going to be for their best. Well, if you've prayed
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: over that decision, if you, I mean, if you prayed over, Lord,
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: give my child the best teacher for this year, which
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: I know we are, we're praying for everything for our children,
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: then you got to trust that that teacher, even if
• 37:48
  Speaker 2: it's a hard year, even if it is really hard
• 37:52
  Speaker 2: on your kid, that that's something God is doing in
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: their life. And if we get in the way and
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: try to change all of that, then we're getting in
• 37:59
  Speaker 2: the way of his work. And so I think any
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: time if the anxiety spikes and when I lose the
• 38:06
  Speaker 2: ability to manage the outcome, that's the tell. Because when
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: we're guiding, we're leaving room for God to work outside
• 38:16
  Speaker 2: of my plan for them. And controlling doesn't. So ownership
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: parenting is really foundationally controlling. And when we guide them
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: and steward them for God, and we've got to leave
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: room for him to do the work. And we want
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: to rescue our kids and keep them comfortable and make
• 38:36
  Speaker 2: sure everything, we try to manage all the outcomes, that
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: everything in their life is smooth. And that's really, it's
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: not realistic. It's not going to be that way when
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: they get into the real world. And so that's really,
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: I think that's the core of you've got to check
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: your heart. And if the anxiety is real, rearing up,
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: then you probably are in an ownership perspective.
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: That is so good. I think I'm going to put
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: that on an index card and put it on my
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: mirror in my bathroom to remind myself when the anxiety spikes,
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: I'm leaning into control parenting. And wow, I could, going
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: back to my baseball game, my son had it like
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: He had his first pitching experience with this last tournament,
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: and the first inning was a little rough, a little bumpy,
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: and there's no like, there's a lot of anxiety when
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: your kid is on the mound and the whole team
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: is relying on your kid. And it's so, it's like
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: me as a parent, I'm like, oh, I hate this,
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: you know, and he's having a little trouble finding the
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: strike zone, but they kept him in there. He settled down.
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: He had, several really good innings. He pitched up to
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: about 70 pitches and they won the game. And I'm like,
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: they need to work through that.
• 39:53
  Speaker 2: And you can't get to.
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: That place where he learns how to work through it.
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: If you, if you take them out in the first inning, right?
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: Like my mom's heart is like, Oh, you know, and,
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: and we've got, whether it's this, you know, stupid little
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: baseball tournament or whether it's a situation with a teacher that,
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: that isn't what you want it to be. Maybe it's
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: even unfair or something, but your children, your God is
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: going to use all things to work together for your
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: good and for his glory in the lives of your children.
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: He's going to use all things, the bad teacher, the
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: rough inning, the Bad news bear team. They're not on
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: a bad news bear team. It's getting together. But, you know,
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: he's going to use all things together. So I, like
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: I said, that's going on an index card. When the
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: anxiety rises. I'm probably leaning into controlling parenting, but we
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: need to get to the good stuff. We need to
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: get to the ambassador parenting. So if ownership parenting says
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: these are my kids and I need to make sure
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: that they turn out right, manage all of these outcomes,
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: and I can look really good and have something to
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: brag about at my next reunion, which by the way,
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: I love bragging about my kids. But I want to
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: just and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: And that's one of the greatest things about becoming a grandparent.
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: You do that. But I'm giving God the glory for it.
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: Not myself. Hopefully not. You know, I think it's wonderful
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: to get together and share with your friends and at
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: the reunion what your kids are doing. That's a wonderful thing.
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: You know, try not to let that dip into the pride.
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: But anyways, what does ambassador parenting say instead of all that?
• 41:30
  Speaker 2: So Tripp says it best. He says, as ambassador parents,
• 41:34
  Speaker 2: we represent the message, methods, and character of Christ to
• 41:40
  Speaker 2: our children. And that is such a tall order. But
• 41:45
  Speaker 2: when we're ambassador parents, we're becoming conduits of God's grace
• 41:50
  Speaker 2: instead of trying to be the source of it. We
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: still have hopes and dreams for our kids. That's okay.
• 41:57
  Speaker 2: But we want to hold them with open hands. Because
• 42:01
  Speaker 2: God already knows how he's going to work their choices
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: into his sovereign plan. And we're responsible and accountable for
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: our role. You alluded to that earlier. We have responsibilities
• 42:13
  Speaker 2: as parents. But ultimately, who our children become is up
• 42:18
  Speaker 2: to God and not us. And that's what ambassador parenting is.
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: It's a release, right? It's representation. It's a conduit of grace.
• 42:30
  Speaker 2: So it's quite the opposite.
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: Right. And I love that. I think that would be
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: a good reflection question at the end of every day
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: to have is like, Lord, was I a conduit of
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: your grace today with my children? Some days I may
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: get not a passing grade there, you know, was like
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: a conduit of your grace. But that's also a really
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: great prayer to start your day with. Lord, help me.
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: Help me to be a conduit. of your grace to
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: my children and to represent you to my children because
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: God is far more graceful with me sometimes than I
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: am with my children. Man, motherhood, fatherhood, it's high and
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: holy work. It's very sanctifying and he will give us
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: opportunities to grow in grace and patience. With our kids.
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: So what does this actually look like on a Monday
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: afternoon when everybody is tired and somebody is melting down?
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: And I picked Monday because our homeschool co-op day is Monday.
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: So those days are long and hot and hard. So
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: what does ambassador parenting actually look like on your hardest day?
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: Well, I think we have to start with the gospel.
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: What is Christ's message? Because we're, as ambassador parents, we're
• 43:54
  Speaker 2: giving his message, reflecting his character, and using his methods.
• 43:58
  Speaker 2: So what is the message? It's grace and redemption. And
• 44:03
  Speaker 2: so if we think of it that way, try and
• 44:07
  Speaker 2: reframe everything that we're doing under redemption and grace. Am
• 44:11
  Speaker 2: I parenting through redemption and grace? His methods were relational.
• 44:17
  Speaker 2: He modeled before explaining. He met people where they were,
• 44:23
  Speaker 2: and he was patient when they were slow to understand.
• 44:26
  Speaker 2: So all of those are just beautiful things to weave
• 44:30
  Speaker 2: into our parenting. He spoke the truth in love. He
• 44:35
  Speaker 2: invited confession and repentance, but he he is ultimately about restoration, right?
• 44:42
  Speaker 2: He restores the brokenhearted and he sets the captives free.
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: So he points out our sin, but he doesn't condemn
• 44:51
  Speaker 2: us in it, right? He has compassion for us. And
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: so that really is what we need to be doing.
• 45:00
  Speaker 2: I think of Matthew 11, 28 through 30. Come to me,
• 45:06
  Speaker 2: all who labor and are wearied. and I will give
• 45:09
  Speaker 2: you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
• 45:14
  Speaker 2: because I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you
• 45:18
  Speaker 2: will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy,
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: and my burden is light. So if we are having
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: that posture, that God is gentle and lowly, and we
• 45:28
  Speaker 2: are reflecting the heart of Christ to our kids, then
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: we're going to be gentle and humble as well. And
• 45:35
  Speaker 2: so in everyday parenting, that means Gentleness, not harshness. And
• 45:42
  Speaker 2: we're still going to have boundaries and guardrails because God
• 45:46
  Speaker 2: gives us those because he knows what's best for us
• 45:48
  Speaker 2: and we know what's best for our kids. But we're
• 45:52
  Speaker 2: going to reject harsh authoritarianism and passive permissiveness because neither
• 45:58
  Speaker 2: reflect the heart of Christ. Harshness may produce outward compliance,
• 46:04
  Speaker 2: but it crushes the spirit. And permissiveness may seem loving,
• 46:10
  Speaker 2: but leaves children unanchored, insecure, and unprepared for the authority
• 46:15
  Speaker 2: that's actually going to come into their life at some point.
• 46:18
  Speaker 2: We all have to live up under authority. And so
• 46:21
  Speaker 2: permissiveness is one end of the spectrum. It's just a
• 46:26
  Speaker 2: different side of harshness, right? But both are not reflecting Christ.
• 46:31
  Speaker 2: And so instead, we want to parent with gentle firmness.
• 46:35
  Speaker 2: compassion and out of a servant's heart. So we're, we're
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: reflecting Jesus speaking truth and loving and grace.
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: Gentle firmness, you know, gentle can be passive, but if
• 46:50
  Speaker 1: you couple that with the firmness, that's a really good
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: key phrase to take with you to judge your, you know,
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: to kind of govern your conduct during the day was
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: I gentle, but firm, gentle, but firm. A lot of
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: times I would err on the side. I think some
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: people could err on gentle but passive. I would err
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: on the side of harsh but firm and firm. So
• 47:14
  Speaker 1: I need to get rid of that because most of
• 47:16
  Speaker 1: my listeners know I'm a little passionate. So I can
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: be a little passionate, a little harsh and firm. So
• 47:22
  Speaker 1: I need to couple that with gentleness in order to
• 47:25
  Speaker 1: parent more in this ambassador parenting because ultimately I'm a
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: representation of Christ in my parenting. I love this passage
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: that you lean into from Deuteronomy 6. There's a mirroring
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: passage in Deuteronomy 11. It pretty much says the same
• 47:40
  Speaker 1: thing almost verbatim in Deuteronomy 11 verses 18 through 21.
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: And it's a passage that I've committed to memory. I
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: love this passage. It's this beautiful picture about talking about
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: God throughout the ordinary rhythms of life. You know, we
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: think of Christians and church life and we go and
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: we listen to people on, you know, behind pulpits and
• 48:00
  Speaker 1: singing with microphones. But the real work of Christianity is
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: passed on legacy from family to family. And it's this
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: ordinary life as we sit down, as we walk along
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: the road, as we lie down, as we get up
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: to write it on the doorframes of your houses. And
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: that actually prompted me to get I put Psalm 91
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: over the doorframe of my house and It's one of
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: my favorite psalms, and we memorized it together with my kids.
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: And just have that on the doorframes of your house
• 48:32
  Speaker 1: and on your gate so that your days may be
• 48:34
  Speaker 1: long in the land the Lord thy God has given thee.
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: I love these verses out of Deuteronomy. So what does
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: it look like for mom today to make discipleship part
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: of everyday life without making it feel forced? Or like
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: one more thing on her to-do list, which her to-do
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: list is already too long, but to rather ingrain it
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: in the rhythm of ordinary life.
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: You know, it actually makes it so much easier than
• 49:00
  Speaker 2: trying to create a checklist. I've never been good with,
• 49:03
  Speaker 2: I get so distracted. I mean, you talk about you
• 49:05
  Speaker 2: have ADD. I probably am on the borderline. I'm so easily,
• 49:09
  Speaker 2: you know, whatever's happening, I can just go off in
• 49:12
  Speaker 2: that direction. But it's For me, I think the key
• 49:16
  Speaker 2: is conversations. It's just the conversations. that I have with
• 49:20
  Speaker 2: my children or had with my children, we want them
• 49:23
  Speaker 2: to be intentional. And so we can start, I mean,
• 49:27
  Speaker 2: just to talk along, as we walk along the road,
• 49:30
  Speaker 2: lie down and get up, you get up in the
• 49:32
  Speaker 2: morning and you pray before you walk out the door
• 49:35
  Speaker 2: or you pray in the car as you're driving them.
• 49:37
  Speaker 2: You have those conversations to point out, wow, you know,
• 49:41
  Speaker 2: I'm looking outside my window right now and it's pouring
• 49:43
  Speaker 2: down rain in Austin, Texas. We desperately need this. God
• 49:47
  Speaker 2: brought us this amazing rain. We're going to get rain
• 49:50
  Speaker 2: for the next three days and we need this so badly.
• 49:54
  Speaker 2: Isn't God so good to provide exactly what we need
• 49:57
  Speaker 2: when we need it? And just those types of conversations.
• 50:01
  Speaker 2: And then you're sitting at the dinner table. And if
• 50:03
  Speaker 2: your kids are of the age where they can answer
• 50:05
  Speaker 2: this question, we used to always ask, what did God
• 50:08
  Speaker 2: show you today? How did he reveal himself to you?
• 50:13
  Speaker 2: That simple question just can spark so much conversation. And
• 50:18
  Speaker 2: so these are what I'm, you know, it's just to me,
• 50:21
  Speaker 2: it's just how you're living your life and you're weaving
• 50:23
  Speaker 2: him into the ordinary moments, pointing out the God moments,
• 50:27
  Speaker 2: pointing out how God worked in your day, praying over
• 50:31
  Speaker 2: a friend if they come home and they have a
• 50:34
  Speaker 2: struggle with a friendship or somebody that they're concerned about,
• 50:37
  Speaker 2: let's stop right now and let's pray over that. And
• 50:40
  Speaker 2: it's just that posture of saying, I, the priority is
• 50:44
  Speaker 2: teaching and living who God is to my kids and
• 50:48
  Speaker 2: everything else can wait.
• 50:49
  Speaker 1: Hmm. That is awesome. First off, can we borrow some
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: of that rain? Because we are in a major drought here.
• 50:56
  Speaker 1: We just moved into this house and I'm trying to,
• 50:59
  Speaker 1: there's a lot of trees on the property. My brother
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: came over the other day. I took him out in
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: the backyard and he's like, ah, I think your hydrangeas
• 51:04
  Speaker 1: are dead. I'm like, oh no, I'm gonna have to
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: go up and water them. I wish we had rain. Lord,
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: bring us some rain. But I love how you ask
• 51:12
  Speaker 1: that question at the dinner table. How did God reveal
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: himself to you today? And when we get rain, that
• 51:17
  Speaker 1: will be one way. God revealed himself to us through
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: the rain, but how is he revealing himself to us
• 51:24
  Speaker 1: in nature around us? How is he revealing himself to
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: us through that history lesson? How is he revealing himself
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: to us in our relationships with others? I think that's
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: such a great reflective question to weave in. And then
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: I love stopping. Okay. We have a need. We don't
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: have to wait until bedtime prayer. We can, let's pray
• 51:44
  Speaker 1: right now. Let's, Let's bring this to our Heavenly Father
• 51:49
  Speaker 1: right now. I absolutely love, love that. Let's bring this
• 51:54
  Speaker 1: full circle then. If a mom is listening right now
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: and she realizes I've been trying to control my child's
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: outcome because I'm afraid of what's going to happen if
• 52:02
  Speaker 1: I don't, what would you want her to remember? How
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: can she begin moving from ownership to ambassador parenting?
• 52:13
  Speaker 2: Well, I think the first thing that we do is
• 52:15
  Speaker 2: we go to the Lord. And we ask him, show
• 52:18
  Speaker 2: me how I'm doing this parenting. Am I doing it
• 52:22
  Speaker 2: the way you want me to do it? Am I
• 52:24
  Speaker 2: showing ownership tendencies or am I showing stewardship tendencies? And
• 52:31
  Speaker 2: then ask him to just start changing your heart because
• 52:34
  Speaker 2: he will, he transforms. That's what he's in the business of.
• 52:37
  Speaker 2: And so never, never, never feel like God can't work miracles.
• 52:43
  Speaker 2: And Even if you, I mean, I can honestly say
• 52:46
  Speaker 2: I'm a reforming, reformed, being reformed control freak. And so
• 52:53
  Speaker 2: every day it's what do I need to lay at
• 52:56
  Speaker 2: your feet, Lord? And a lot of times it's our children.
• 52:59
  Speaker 2: You know, we get an idol with our children. And
• 53:03
  Speaker 2: really anything that we place above the Lord in our
• 53:07
  Speaker 2: life is what God would call an idol. And so
• 53:11
  Speaker 2: if our children's success or grades or outcomes become that
• 53:16
  Speaker 2: idol to us, we've got to lay that at his feet.
• 53:18
  Speaker 2: And that's going to take a while to overcome. And
• 53:21
  Speaker 2: it might always be a battle, but he can transform.
• 53:26
  Speaker 2: And so I just encourage the mom to start there
• 53:28
  Speaker 2: with asking God for wisdom, to show her what it
• 53:31
  Speaker 2: is that she needs to change, and then for him
• 53:35
  Speaker 2: to help her change it. And For me, you talk
• 53:39
  Speaker 2: about verses. I have all these verses that are about
• 53:43
  Speaker 2: trusting the Lord and how He just over and over
• 53:46
  Speaker 2: in the Psalms and all throughout the Word, really, where
• 53:49
  Speaker 2: He's teaching us to trust Him and that He has
• 53:53
  Speaker 2: everything in His control for our good. And so we
• 53:57
  Speaker 2: can ponder those verses. We can memorize them. We can
• 54:00
  Speaker 2: pray over them that God is trustworthy, right? If we
• 54:05
  Speaker 2: can Because again, we had said earlier, if we are
• 54:09
  Speaker 2: trying to control the outcomes, we're not trusting God. And
• 54:13
  Speaker 2: so if we can just tell ourselves over and over,
• 54:16
  Speaker 2: God is trustworthy. And remember and reflect on those times
• 54:20
  Speaker 2: he's been trustworthy in your life and in your kids' lives.
• 54:24
  Speaker 2: And then just continue to pray daily. Because we want
• 54:27
  Speaker 2: to remember that parenting is a ministry. It is hard work.
• 54:34
  Speaker 2: The enemy is going to attack us. Culture is telling
• 54:38
  Speaker 2: us at every turn that we need to be doing this, this,
• 54:41
  Speaker 2: and this to raise good kids. But that's a lie
• 54:44
  Speaker 2: from the enemy. What is God telling us we need
• 54:47
  Speaker 2: to do to raise children for him? It's not about
• 54:51
  Speaker 2: behavior or success. It's about becoming who God wants them
• 54:55
  Speaker 2: to be and finding out who that is and helping them.
• 55:00
  Speaker 2: We are guiding them along the way. and celebrating their
• 55:04
  Speaker 2: strengths and helping them work on their weaknesses. And all
• 55:08
  Speaker 2: of those things, we have to lay at Jesus's feet
• 55:10
  Speaker 2: every day, that posture of openness. And it's not about
• 55:14
  Speaker 2: our image or reputation. That's ownership parenting. It's about giving
• 55:19
  Speaker 2: glory to God. And the purpose of parenting is to
• 55:23
  Speaker 2: grow his kingdom, not to raise successful kids. It's to
• 55:28
  Speaker 2: grow his kingdom. And I mean, honestly, when I look
• 55:31
  Speaker 2: back at raising my three children, I know that I
• 55:35
  Speaker 2: probably did stress success too much. I had some ownership
• 55:39
  Speaker 2: parenting tendencies for sure. My kids will tell us, Mom,
• 55:44
  Speaker 2: you definitely raised us to be successful. You raised us
• 55:46
  Speaker 2: to love the Lord. But if I had to go back,
• 55:50
  Speaker 2: I would de-emphasize some of that and just be much
• 55:54
  Speaker 2: more intentional about teaching them to serve the Lord instead
• 55:59
  Speaker 2: of They're the God of success. And so those are
• 56:02
  Speaker 2: just some things that we can change when we move
• 56:06
  Speaker 2: from ownership to ambassador parenting.
• 56:11
  Speaker 1: I love the way you laid that out because, okay,
• 56:14
  Speaker 1: first let's start by just some honest reflection and saying, Lord,
• 56:19
  Speaker 1: search my heart.
• 56:19
  Speaker 2: Search me.
• 56:21
  Speaker 1: Search me and see if there'll be any ownership parenting
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: in me. added that in there, any wicked way, because
• 56:28
  Speaker 1: it is a wicked way in me. Is there any
• 56:32
  Speaker 1: control or manipulation in my parenting? And I think if
• 56:34
  Speaker 1: we're all honest, I think for almost all of us,
• 56:38
  Speaker 1: there's going to be something that the Lord can highlight
• 56:40
  Speaker 1: and help me then to come over to parent more
• 56:44
  Speaker 1: like you. You're the perfect parent. You're an ambassador parent.
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: You don't force But you exemplify all of these beautiful
• 56:52
  Speaker 1: things that we need to be your ambassador in our kids' lives.
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: And just with gentle firmness, you know, we all had
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: the bracelets. What would Jesus do? How would Jesus parent
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: in this situation? Just really leaning in to the Holy
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: Spirit to see that and asking him. I love that
• 57:11
  Speaker 1: request as well. Change my heart, Lord. Change my heart
• 57:16
  Speaker 1: in this parenting and help me to parent more like you.
• 57:19
  Speaker 1: This has been amazing. Such a rich conversation. Candice, before
• 57:23
  Speaker 1: we go, can you let our listeners know where they
• 57:26
  Speaker 1: can connect with you, listen to MomQ Podcast, and learn
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: more about all that MomQ has to offer, the resources
• 57:32
  Speaker 1: you have for Christian moms?
• 57:34
  Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely. So first of all, momq.org is our website.
• 57:39
  Speaker 2: And on there, there are so many resources. We have blogs.
• 57:42
  Speaker 2: You can find our podcast on there, as well as
• 57:45
  Speaker 2: on anywhere you listen to podcasts. It's just momq.org. biblical
• 57:49
  Speaker 2: wisdom for Christian moms. And then on our website, you
• 57:52
  Speaker 2: can also find all about our curriculum, how to bring
• 57:54
  Speaker 2: a mom Q chapter to your area, what that, what
• 57:57
  Speaker 2: that involves and the just testimonies of moms that have
• 58:02
  Speaker 2: been part of it and how it's just a hundred,
• 58:05
  Speaker 2: actually a hundred percent of our moms report a life
• 58:07
  Speaker 2: change from being part of our community. So moms, we
• 58:10
  Speaker 2: need that support. We need each other. We need that
• 58:14
  Speaker 2: iron sharpening iron and, especially in the younger years, but
• 58:19
  Speaker 2: always really, I mean, teen, teen years get very confusing too.
• 58:23
  Speaker 2: So we need community. We need somebody who's been a
• 58:26
  Speaker 2: step ahead of us that, that has lived it a
• 58:29
  Speaker 2: little bit farther along that can just look at us
• 58:31
  Speaker 2: and say, you've got this, God's got this, you're not
• 58:34
  Speaker 2: alone and you're going to be okay. And so all
• 58:37
  Speaker 2: of that is available. We also have an Instagram mom,
• 58:40
  Speaker 2: Q512 and Facebook. So. Hope to connect and send us
• 58:45
  Speaker 2: an email. I love talking to moms as well. So
• 58:49
  Speaker 2: on our website, you can find that. Awesome.
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Candice. This has been, I think
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: for myself personally, a much needed course correction. I'm going
• 58:58
  Speaker 1: to be looking for those anxiety spikers in my life
• 59:02
  Speaker 1: and asking myself, am I not trusting in this moment?
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: Am I trying to control and asking the Holy Spirit
• 59:09
  Speaker 1: to help me parent? with gentle firmness going forward? Thank
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: you so much.
• 59:13
  Speaker 2: Praise the Lord. Thank you.
• 59:15
  Speaker 1: I hope this conversation encouraged you to step back and
• 59:20
  Speaker 1: to think about your own parenting, not just what you're doing,
• 59:23
  Speaker 1: but the foundation underneath why you're doing it. Are kids
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: are entrusted to us by God. And our calling isn't
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: to control who they become, but to faithfully point them
• 59:36
  Speaker 1: toward the one who created them. And as always, remember,
• 59:41
  Speaker 1: God gave you your kids, your specific kids, for a reason.
• 59:46
  Speaker 1: That's because you hold the key to unlocking who God
• 59:49
  Speaker 1: created them to be. We'll see you next time. Christian
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 1: Parent Crazy World is a production of Life Audio and
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 1: Salem Media.
• 1:00:04
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• 1:00:06
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• 1:00:09
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• 1:00:11
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• 1:00:14
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