Latest / The Love Drive with Shaun Galanos / A smarter way to date with Jennie Young

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A smarter way to date with Jennie Young · The Love Drive with Shaun Galanos

• 0:00
  That I just shut the app down or the apps down and be like I'm
• 0:04
  done I'm out. I would rather die alone than do
• 0:07
  this for one more day. Hey friends, welcome to the Love
• 0:26
  Drive Podcast. My name is Sean Gallinos.
• 0:28
  This is the fifth take of this intro.
• 0:34
  I'm struggling. I've had too much coffee.
• 0:36
  I didn't sleep well last night. I I had insomnia.
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  I stayed up till 3:00 in the morning reading a book because I
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  couldn't sleep. But I'm here.
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  So welcome. I was thinking over my coffee
• 0:48
  this morning. What do I call you all friends?
• 0:52
  Cutie pies, listener. Hey, listener, that's fun.
• 0:57
  You know, Dax and Monica of Armchair Expert, they they call
• 1:00
  their listeners arm cherries. That's sweet.
• 1:03
  Someone recommended calling you all love drivers.
• 1:07
  Don't worry, I'm never going to do that.
• 1:09
  That's not going to work for me. So if you have a suggestion,
• 1:11
  send it to me. Leave a comment somewhere on
• 1:14
  Instagram or YouTube or YouTube. YouTube or YouTube or Spotify.
• 1:20
  Yeah, that's my, that's my little how am I doing intro.
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  I'm excited about today's episode because we're talking
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  about dating. And that's like, it's not my
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  favorite subject, but I do enjoy dating.
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  I'm not going to lie. I like dating.
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  I'm good at dating. I have a lot to say about
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  dating. And so I'm excited about today's
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  interview with my guest, Jenny Young, who is a writing and
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  rhetoric professor from the University of Wisconsin in Green
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  Bay and who has used her sort of personal experience combined
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  with academic expertise to develop a method of online
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  dating called the burned haystack dating method.
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  Which you can infer suggests that instead of casting a wide
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  net and hoping for the best and giving a lot of people a chance
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  1st and sometimes second chance, you burn the haystack down to
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  find your needle. We talk about a lot of things.
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  So what do you do if you live in a rural area?
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  There's nobody to date? How filtering for degree status
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  and height is counterproductive. Boundary testing as an early
• 2:31
  indicator of abusive potential. Why conservative men are happy
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  to fuck liberal women but liberal women do not want to
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  fuck conservative men for the most part.
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  A bunch of rules that are outlined in the book like no
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  fighting with men online, no man who can't plan the date right.
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  Stuff like why dinner is a terrible first date, Terrible
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  first date spotting manosphere language in profiles which is
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  horrifying. Horrifying, but good to know how
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  to like find these guys who are pretty much looking for trad
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  wise, but but won't say that they're looking for trad wise.
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  And then Jenny, I want to say, roasts my my field profile, but
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  it's not a roast. She evaluates it and lets me
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  know how I stack up against the burn haystack.
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  Suggestions of an appropriate profile that would pass the
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  test. So this is a really fun episode.
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  I loved talking to Jenny, and at the end, she shares a little bit
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  about her experience finding her partner and what it feels like
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  to find the right person for her.
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  So here we go. Here's a conversation with Jenny
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  Young. My name is Sean Gallinos.
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  This is the Love Drive. Cool.
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  Hey, welcome to the Love Drive podcast.
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  This is Jenny. Jenny, do you want to just
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  introduce yourself really briefly?
• 3:55
  Sure. Hi everybody, I'm Jenny Young.
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  I'm the creator of Burnt haystack dating method and I am
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  a rhetoric professor in Wisconsin.
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  Cool and you have a book coming out soon.
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  I. Do.
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  You pioneered basically a revolutionary way to date
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  online, right? Is that that's?
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  Is that an accurate way of describing it?
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  Yeah, I mean, that's what's ended up happening.
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  My, my initial goal was really just to sort of like use my
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  academic expertise, which is in critical discourse analysis,
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  which I'm sure we'll talk about, but that's like a form of
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  rhetorical analysis. So my my initial goal was just
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  to use like my job to game the dating apps and make them work
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  better, but then it kind of turned into a bunch of other
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  things. This was for you.
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  You wanted to game the dating apps.
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  I did initially, yeah. That was sort of the origin
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  point of the method. I was like a lot of women I had
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  and probably a lot of men too. I had gone through these cycles
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  were like, you know, you download a dating app and you
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  like have like really high hopes, right?
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  And you're, you're excited and there's like all these people.
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  It's a limitless, limitless number of people.
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  And then a week or two and it's just so demoralizing and
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  depressing and annoying and terrifying that I just shut the
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  app down or the app's down and be like, I'm done, I'm out.
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  I would rather die alone than do this for one more day.
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  And sort of just like in AI, don't know moment of
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  desperation. It was late one night.
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  I googled, how do you find a needle in a haystack since it's
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  a everybody's trying to do. And I thought, well, I don't
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  actually know how to do that in real life, right?
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  Like I should. Maybe that'll help.
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  So I googled that and it said the first hit I remember where
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  it was from said you burn the haystack to the ground.
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  And I literally, and I'm not a person who uses phrases like I
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  got chills. I don't use, I don't use that
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  figuratively. It's way too cheesy.
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  And I would laugh and mock that if anybody else said that to me.
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  But I truly did get chills. It was like I realized, no,
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  that's right. And it's opposite from what
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  women are being told to do because what women are being
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  told to do, and I had searched this too, was to basically pick
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  through every single piece of hay, right?
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  Like give everybody a million chances, give everyone the
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  benefit of the doubt. You know, understand that people
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  don't mean to sound the way they sound.
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  And that could take forever and never work.
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  It's also kind of dangerous. Whereas if you just burn the
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  haystack to the ground, the needle, which is what
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  everybody's looking for, will just emerge because metal
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  doesn't burn. So I started like moderating my
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  entire approach to ruling men out instead of finding people to
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  date. Instead of giving everybody a
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  chance, right in the hopes that they are the needle in the
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  haystack. Right.
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  You give almost nobody a chance and assume that whatever's left
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  over, and sometimes that's zero, like you can burn the haystack
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  to the ground. And I have several times.
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  And depending on where you live, especially, right, like if you,
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  if you live in a, a major metro area, that's not going to happen
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  because there's people constantly joining the apps.
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  But in a more rural area you can easily like bring the haystack
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  down to nothing. But that's better.
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  Like it's better to go to 0 than to waste your time with like 15
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  toxic people. OK, there's so many directions
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  that we could. Take.
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  I know. We're going to take it in a
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  whole bunch of different directions.
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  But I guess while we're on the topic of, you know, people
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  living in rural areas, you know, one of the big complaints that I
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  hear is it like, oh, there's, there's nobody out here, you
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  know, and I've, I've, I know everybody who's single or who's
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  available and it's really demoralized.
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  And I have to, if I'm using a dating app, I have to have a
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  wider and wider and wider radius to be able to, you know, bring
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  people onto the app. And then we're looking at like,
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  you know, maybe a long distance relationship.
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  And so, you know, your method is basically, if I understand it
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  correctly, filter as many people out as possible so that you're
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  left with only a few matches. What do people do that live in
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  rural areas where there's there's no matches right And
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  you've experienced having to burn the haystack or haystacks
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  down to 0? What do we do after that?
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  Right, so you have a few options.
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  And I'm going to quote one of the Facebook group members
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  because I, I like to the way she phrased this and she lived in a
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  rural area and she had gotten down to zero.
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  There were no matches. And I remember which app it was.
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  I think it might have been hinged, might have been Bumble,
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  but she got that notification that said you need to expand
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  your filters. So they want you to change
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  something, right? Like I'm OK with a much older
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  person or I I can drive 3 hours or smokers are fine, whatever it
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  is, she said. I did not do that.
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  Instead, I expanded my patience and I just sat with it.
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  And three days later she met her needle.
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  So like in that case, if she had changed her filters, she
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  probably would not have ended up meeting the man she's now
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  partnered with. OK, so that's, that's one
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  option. You can wait it out.
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  There's two changes I tell women to make all the time. 1 is to
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  expand your geography if you can.
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  Because we just have so many community members who've said,
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  you know what, I thought I wasn't open to a long distance
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  relationship, but I met someone amazing who lives four hours
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  away and we both kind of work virtually anyway.
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  And now that we're getting more serious, one of us is going to
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  relook it like the world is more mobile right than it than it was
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  a few years ago. So geography expanded, if you
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  can, the other thing, and I hear the slot and I know like people
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  have really strong feelings on this.
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  A lot of women I know filter for degree status.
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  They want a man who has, you know, at least a bachelor's
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  degree, preferably a master's or some kind of advanced degree.
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  So here's what I think is the problem with that.
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  And I, you know, I have a PhD, like everybody I work with has a
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  PhD. So I think this is like not as
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  romanticized to me because I know there's no correlation
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  there to intelligence. Like some of the smartest people
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  I've ever known and ever dated don't have any degrees at all.
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  So like, I care about people being informed and, you know,
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  literate and, you know, willing to like expand horizons and
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  stuff. I just personally don't equate
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  that to degree status. And I think people are
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  unintentionally ruling out a lot of great people by holding to
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  that. And then height is the other
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  one. Like don't tell I was.
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  Going to say, let's add height to this.
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  Let's add height to this. I think that's over reported.
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  Like I see a lot of in cells on Instagram screaming about how
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  women won't date men over 6 feet tall.
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  So I actually pulled my community and said, I didn't say
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  would you ever date a man who's 6 who's less than 6 feet tall?
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  Because then you've got all kinds of like self reporting
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  bias. I said, have you ever dated a
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  man who's less than 6 feet tall? And like 99% said yes.
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  So that's not really like the whole thing holding men back.
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  I'm. Interesting.
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  Yeah. So, OK, we're going to try to
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  answer a lot of questions. We're going to go to a lot of
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  different places. This is more for for people at
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  home listening. We're going to talk about, you
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  know, dating apps, not dating apps, what you could do to your
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  profile, what the rules of the burn haystack dating method is.
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  And then I would like to invite you to critique my dating
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  profile and see if, yeah, if I'm going to try to share my phone
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  screen to Riverside to see if we can, you could see my profile to
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  see if I pass the test. I think I might not.
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  So, So that's things that we're going to try to address in this
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  hour. We're also going to talk about
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  politics and how important that is in terms of like when you're
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  screening in and out. But interesting.
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  So geography might not matter as much as as we think it does if
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  we are looking for the needle. Yeah, right.
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  Yeah, The other thing is presence of kids, like I've had,
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  I've talked to a couple women recently who said I really
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  didn't want, like I'm child free by choice.
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  I did not want to meet a man who had kids, but they ended up
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  meeting men who had children. And now they're like, I love his
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  kids. They're great.
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  Like this has been an addition to my life.
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  Yeah, right. So interesting in in a way
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  you're saying we got to filter down, but in another way you're
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  saying here are certain areas in which we might want to open up a
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  little bit. Right.
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  Because what do you want to trade on?
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  Right. Like, I would much rather trade
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  on 30 more minutes of driving than on how someone treats me or
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  sees me as a human being. And those are the compromises
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  women are making all the time. Like, that's a waste of time,
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  right. Yeah. 100% yeah 100% The height
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  thing is interesting. The advanced degree is
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  interesting. Like I think a lot of people
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  would say, oh, Sean's smart. He's a smart guy.
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  You know, he's emotionally intelligent.
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  I'm talking about myself, my Sean, me.
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  He is, you know, able to make conversation about a whole bunch
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  of different topics. He's not a dumb dumb.
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  I don't have an advanced degree, so there.
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  You go. That's a great example.
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  And I also graduated with a 2.4 GPA.
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  Like for me, school was hard. It was.
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  I wasn't, I didn't add here well to an academic environment.
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  Yeah. And not everybody does.
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  And it has nothing to do with intelligence.
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  And this is so widely known in education, it's kind of ironic
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  because it's people outside of education who are holding formal
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  education up on this pedestal where it absolutely does not
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  belong, not in America. In America, it's a lot more like
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  education level is a lot more closely tied to family
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  socioeconomic status than it is to intelligence.
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  OK. I'm also kind of amazed that,
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  you know, you're a professor of rhetoric.
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  Yeah. And and now you're you're not a
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  dating expert, but you are now like you've fallen into this,
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  into this line of work. And you you've mentioned this
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  Facebook group several times. And so I think it's important
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  that we do, we talk about the fact that you are the moderator
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  and the creator of a Facebook group that has nearly a quarter
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  million women and non binary folks using the burn haystack
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  dating method. Yeah.
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  A little over that now I think is it is.
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  It a little OK, so we're at 200. And 53,000, that's incredible.
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  So you're getting a lot of data. Yeah.
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  Like it's not just you and your experience, it's you, your
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  experience and the experience of a quarter million people who are
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  sharing actively. You know how it's going for
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  them. Right.
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  And I mean, honestly, it was very little of my experience
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  until really recently because the group took off so quickly
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  that I took myself out of the dating market for years.
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  And then I kind of made a deal that I would give it another
• 15:08
  shot after I finished writing my book manuscript.
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  And so I like for years I was out and I gave it another shot
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  this summer and it worked for me.
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  Thank God. Yeah.
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  So we. Were going to touch on, we were
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  going to touch on your personal experience.
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  Yeah. Can you tell us a little bit
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  more about like what you did? I mean, did you follow your
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  method to AT and then after that we'll talk about what the method
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  entails? Sure.
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  Yeah, no, I definitely followed my method to AT because like as
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  much as I wanted to find love and cared about all of that, I'm
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  always a rhetorician first. And like I I was definitely
• 15:46
  prioritizing like my method over my personal goals or happiness.
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  Like I really wanted to test the method.
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  So it was a really strict application of burnt a stack.
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  Yeah, OK. Were there things that you
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  personally speaking filters that you kind of loosened and
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  tightened to to find this person so?
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  Interestingly, my partner does live 2 hours away from me, which
• 16:09
  which I wouldn't have chosen. We were talking about this the
• 16:13
  other night and neither one of us, we don't think either one of
• 16:17
  us set our filters quite that far and it was we met on Hinge.
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  We're thinking Hinge maybe took a little license, which I'm
• 16:24
  constantly bitching about how the apps don't like abide by
• 16:26
  people's boundaries, expanded my boundaries.
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  In this case, maybe I don't know.
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  I I'd have to, we both, you know, had delete our accounts so
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  I can't go back and check, but I feel like I put maybe like an
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  hour and a half and ended up meeting someone two hours, but I
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  I really don't know other than that I didn't and have to flex
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  on anything other than that. OK.
• 16:45
  Well, unhinge which? Which?
• 16:47
  I've recently stopped using but there is you set your distance
• 16:50
  or you set your age preference and then there's a button that
• 16:53
  says this is a deal breaker which.
• 16:54
  You're not supposed to use. Did.
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  You know that. They don't want you to use it
• 16:59
  because that means they're going to serve you less people.
• 17:02
  They don't want you to use it, but it it works against you to
• 17:06
  use it because the way, and this is, I think this is specific to
• 17:09
  Hinge, but let's say you and I are both on a dating app, OK?
• 17:13
  And we're both non-smokers and we don't want to meet any
• 17:17
  smokers, cigarette smokers, OK. If.
• 17:21
  You say non-smoker and make that a deal breaker for you and I am
• 17:27
  a non-smoker but I just don't choose it as a deal breaker.
• 17:31
  It won't connect the two of us. Yeah, you had to have had
• 17:34
  selected it as well, and you would.
• 17:36
  Right, strict. About that, yeah.
• 17:38
  So I know I didn't select deal breaker for anything, so that
• 17:41
  might explain that. Yeah, well that.
• 17:42
  That is, that would explain it, because if you say I only 50
• 17:45
  miles, that's a deal breaker. They're, they're not supposed to
• 17:47
  show you people outside of 50 miles, right?
• 17:50
  Right, right. And so, so that's probably
• 17:51
  right. So a little.
• 17:52
  Bit of flexibility I guess, yeah.
• 17:54
  But we're we're not OK with violating our boundaries.
• 17:56
  No, we're. Not yeah and.
• 17:58
  We're not OK with anybody violating our boundaries.
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  And I think that might be one of the I guess that's that is one
• 18:04
  of the the rules. Is it one of the rules?
• 18:08
  I actually don't know all of the rules should.
• 18:09
  We talk about, yeah, I don't have it stated that way, but
• 18:13
  boundary protection is definitely sort of at the
• 18:17
  foundation layer bird haystack method, yeah.
• 18:20
  Anybody who tests your boundaries in like a dating
• 18:23
  message or in any of the dates, that's a red flag because.
• 18:28
  Boundary testing is like an early indicator of abusive
• 18:32
  potential. Again, it always starts at such
• 18:35
  a low key register that you don't notice it right until it
• 18:40
  like gradually worsens over time and then you're kind of like
• 18:44
  locked in on something and then you.
• 18:46
  Go, oh, you know, I go back and I go back and go, OK, the signs
• 18:51
  were there, right? And.
• 18:52
  We've all done that, right? Like I've definitely done that.
• 18:55
  I've definitely done that, yeah. Who hasn't ignore?
• 18:58
  Ignored some red flags, right? Yeah, because because I'm
• 19:01
  hopeful of love or I'm falling for someone and.
• 19:05
  Right. OK, so let's talk about some
• 19:07
  rules. There are three rules for
• 19:08
  creating a profile, so I've kind.
• 19:11
  Of ditched those okay no. More No more profile rules.
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  Yeah, because one thing, things keep changing so rapidly with
• 19:18
  the apps anyway, what you can do, what you can't do.
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  And and I've seen now so many vastly different approaches that
• 19:24
  work. I've stopped talking about that,
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  at least in like a rule governed way.
• 19:30
  The book does have a chapter on like profiles that worked and
• 19:33
  why, like we analyzed the ones that led to needles and long
• 19:38
  term partnerships. Well, let's.
• 19:40
  Talk about that. Let's talk about guidelines or
• 19:42
  instead of rules. OK, so people are taking a
• 19:46
  variety of approaches. I would say one approach is to
• 19:52
  just be radically, radically honest about who you are, like
• 19:56
  to the point that you're you're going to put off people who you
• 20:01
  know would not be good matches for you.
• 20:02
  And that's, that's what I used to do years ago and, and I met
• 20:06
  decent people that way. The problem liberal women are
• 20:10
  having right now on the dating apps is that men just lie.
• 20:15
  They claim to be liberal until you meet them.
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  And then they're a political or moderate or libertarian, you
• 20:23
  know, something like that. We're really they're just
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  probably Trumpers. But so when I'm at my needle, I
• 20:31
  intentionally crafted my profile to give nothing away.
• 20:36
  I like, I didn't even list myself as a teacher because
• 20:39
  teacher codes liberal in America.
• 20:41
  I so I just put that I was a writer.
• 20:45
  Writer codes liberal too, doesn't it, Writer?
• 20:47
  Probably does code liberal, but I didn't want to totally lie.
• 20:50
  I could be a poli. I could be a concern.
• 20:51
  I could write for Fox News, of course.
• 20:53
  Of course, of course, yeah. So I just decided that that's
• 20:58
  how I wanted to try it. Now that's kind of more work for
• 21:01
  me because at that point I was doing away with Wedding Out.
• 21:06
  Like I was preventing myself from being weeded out right by
• 21:11
  men who knew they wouldn't want to date me.
• 21:12
  They didn't know enough about me to not want to date me.
• 21:15
  I mean, unless they just didn't like the way I looked or
• 21:17
  something. But I intentionally, like there
• 21:20
  wasn't anything in my profile that a man would have been like,
• 21:23
  oh, I'm not into that. But my intention was then they
• 21:26
  don't know what direction to lie in, so they're just going to
• 21:30
  tell the truth. And then I also, and this is the
• 21:34
  real superpower, I think I wrote opening move questions that were
• 21:39
  intended to give me rhetorical information that people didn't
• 21:44
  realize they were revealing. And that that's what critical,
• 21:48
  what critical discourse does, which is my like favorite
• 21:50
  analytical method is that it teaches you to see what people
• 21:56
  are revealing when they don't intend to 'cause that's the like
• 22:00
  anybody can curate A persona, right?
• 22:03
  Like in in how whatever way they want to make themselves more
• 22:07
  appealing, that information isn't really useful because you
• 22:10
  don't know if it's honest. What you want is to be able to
• 22:12
  effectively parse words and images and even like objects.
• 22:17
  You know, like if you had a Confederate flag behind you
• 22:20
  right now, that's material rhetoric, right?
• 22:22
  That's important. So you want to be able to parse
• 22:24
  all these things and glean the information that people don't
• 22:28
  want you to have. That's the superpower of
• 22:30
  critical discourse analysis on the dating apps.
• 22:34
  I think, I guess maybe we need to back up and tell people what
• 22:38
  is burn haystack? Like how do you how do you apply
• 22:41
  it? And then we can kind of dive
• 22:43
  back into this. So like, OK.
• 22:45
  Do you want to go through the rules?
• 22:47
  Well, basically it's at its at its purest form.
• 22:51
  It's it's just finding or wedding people out to to very
• 22:56
  few matches that might be a good fit.
• 22:58
  Initially, yeah. And then we have some rules that
• 23:01
  govern sort of like how you decide to either keep messaging
• 23:06
  or abandoned. So like at every point it's it's
• 23:09
  like a yes or a no, right? Like yes, I'm going to keep
• 23:11
  going. No, I'm not.
• 23:12
  The first one is that initial swipe through and then the rules
• 23:16
  start getting applied to early messages, stuff like that.
• 23:19
  OK. Before we go, we do that.
• 23:21
  Sorry, you're saying like it's important to be very specific
• 23:24
  your profile, but then you were telling people that you were a
• 23:27
  liberal feminist. I have.
• 23:29
  Set up profiles where I told people I'm a liberal feminist
• 23:32
  and that that can be very effective.
• 23:34
  Like, I think it depends on who's reading it.
• 23:36
  Like you're, you're never going to like write a profile that's,
• 23:41
  you know, perfectly rhetorically effective because you don't have
• 23:45
  control over who's reading it. So I've done that in the past
• 23:48
  and identified as a liberal feminist.
• 23:52
  I think I even at one point said something about being obsessed
• 23:56
  with applied rhetoric which did not pull the men in oddly.
• 24:01
  Maybe a? Teacher or two?
• 24:02
  Yeah. And attorneys.
• 24:04
  Attorneys. Liked me, but I don't like them.
• 24:07
  I decided no more. Wait, what?
• 24:09
  What's wrong with attorneys? Well.
• 24:10
  Well, OK, I know some very wonderful people who are
• 24:13
  attorneys. I've not had great experiences
• 24:17
  with them on the dating apps Like I don't, I haven't done
• 24:19
  this study, but I'm, I, I would like to see the Venn diagram of
• 24:23
  like narcissism and being an attorney.
• 24:25
  I mean I. Never.
• 24:26
  I never love talking to an attorney because he means I've
• 24:28
  had to pay them $500.00 for 30 minutes of their time and I'm
• 24:31
  just like trying to milk as much Intel out of them.
• 24:34
  That's beautiful. It's a fraught experience from
• 24:38
  the from the get go, yeah. So you can give away a lot, or
• 24:42
  you can give away nothing, or you can do something in between.
• 24:44
  This last time I I chose to give away nothing and that's what
• 24:48
  ended up working for me. And I.
• 24:51
  Wrote my magic questions OK. Which is.
• 24:55
  So one of them said, if you could change one thing about
• 25:00
  America right now, what would it be?
• 25:04
  That reveals political orientation immediately.
• 25:07
  Brilliant. Like 100.
• 25:08
  Percent of the time, brilliant. Yeah.
• 25:11
  But they don't know what you're looking for, right?
• 25:13
  So that's. Good.
• 25:14
  I would say new administration. A lot of them said new
• 25:17
  administration. So that's, that's liberal,
• 25:20
  right? And then I got a lot of like,
• 25:22
  I'd bring the pledge back into the schools, which like, first
• 25:25
  of all, it never left but right. I remember being being a young
• 25:29
  boy who moved from Canada to Texas and then having to do the
• 25:33
  Pledge of Allegiance and like, not doing the Pledge of
• 25:36
  Allegiance, yeah. That must have been a difficult
• 25:39
  transition. It was a.
• 25:40
  Weird one. Yeah, I was in Austin, which I
• 25:43
  guess is fine, but. I definitely.
• 25:45
  Got beat up for being different and talking weird.
• 25:48
  Yeah, I. Bet OK.
• 25:50
  What were the other questions? The other.
• 25:51
  One that worked really well and I, I wrote this one specifically
• 25:56
  to root out the men who were going to go to sex right off the
• 25:59
  bat because that's like, that's an auto block to burn.
• 26:03
  And I can talk about why because it's a little bit
• 26:05
  counterintuitive. So I said in this question, if
• 26:10
  the AI apocalypse really does come to pass, what special
• 26:15
  skills do you bring to the table?
• 26:18
  And I got some horrifying answers to that question, but I
• 26:21
  also got a lot of really good answers.
• 26:23
  Like that was actually the question that my my now partner
• 26:26
  ended up answering. And I liked his answer a lot.
• 26:29
  What was? His answer?
• 26:30
  So he's a. Math teacher, first of all, and
• 26:32
  I didn't know that at the time, but he said, he said, I'll have
• 26:35
  to say algebra. We don't, we won't need it, just
• 26:38
  like we don't need it now, but at some point someone might want
• 26:41
  it and I'll be there. And I liked that because to me
• 26:44
  that showed like humility, humor, self deprecation, but
• 26:49
  also like a willingness to help a, a lack of like, I'm not going
• 26:52
  to push algebra on you. I know we don't even need it.
• 26:55
  Like that to me is like A to be able to call bullshit on your
• 26:58
  own discipline, which I do daily.
• 27:00
  I I think like, I like that that appeals to me.
• 27:03
  Y'all are. Perfect for each other.
• 27:05
  Thank you. Also, I I've seen the like the
• 27:08
  post apocalyptic, you know, shows and movies where they have
• 27:12
  to build a community, you know, and.
• 27:14
  There's. There's a math nerd and they
• 27:16
  need him to build the, the catapult or the whatever to, you
• 27:21
  know, it's like we're the electrical engineer.
• 27:23
  It's like, oh, we have to fix this radio.
• 27:24
  So, so that's good. That's a good skill.
• 27:27
  So that I have three. I can't remember what the third
• 27:30
  one was, but those were the two that proved most useful.
• 27:34
  And this is more to just figure out whether where they stand
• 27:37
  politically without having to ask them where they stand
• 27:39
  politically, right, the. First one is to root out, yeah,
• 27:41
  political orientation. And the second one was to give
• 27:46
  men like an irresistible opportunity to make it sexual
• 27:50
  immediately. And then I'd like to burn them,
• 27:53
  OK? And so really quickly block to
• 27:55
  burn is just when something's off, you block And and we, we
• 27:59
  don't even X out or swipe pass. We block so that we're never
• 28:02
  shown that person ever again. Because that's what the dating
• 28:05
  apps do when you run out of people, they just recycle.
• 28:08
  And then your brain. I've done this before.
• 28:10
  I ran out of people and then I start seeing the same people
• 28:12
  again. I go, you know what?
• 28:14
  I will give her a chance. Yeah, right.
• 28:16
  Because you I'm not that. Attracted to her but she's got a
• 28:19
  cool thing in her profile. Might be whatever.
• 28:21
  Or I think she's cute but her profile's a little weird.
• 28:24
  But who knows, might be awesome or like.
• 28:26
  Is it a sign from the universe that I said no and now she's
• 28:29
  back, right? Like I'm susceptible to those
• 28:33
  kind of thought pattern. I'm not it's.
• 28:35
  Definitely not aside from the universe.
• 28:37
  OK, good, good someone. Comes back on a dating app
• 28:42
  that's hilarious and so OK so the the the AI apocalypse
• 28:48
  question so if you were to turn that sexual it's like what oh
• 28:53
  repopulating the species or something no it.
• 28:55
  Was far worse than that. The first guy who responded just
• 28:58
  said I could definitely go down and I was like, right, we're
• 29:02
  done here. Oh, stuff like.
• 29:04
  That. OK, so what's the the why are we
• 29:09
  wanting to filter out sexually forward?
• 29:13
  As someone. Who is sexually forward?
• 29:15
  Why do we want and? There's no.
• 29:17
  So all right, so I need to back up and talk about what Bern
• 29:20
  Haystack is, is trying to accomplish because it's
• 29:24
  specifically geared toward women who want long term monogamous
• 29:28
  partnerships. So we're talking mainstream
• 29:31
  dating apps where that's not an expectation.
• 29:34
  Like it's not an expectation on Bumble that you're talking about
• 29:39
  sex with someone that you haven't met yet.
• 29:41
  Sure. And it's a that's a consent
• 29:43
  issue, right? Like if you're in a kink app or
• 29:46
  something like that, then then that's sort of like within that
• 29:49
  what we would call the discourse norm.
• 29:50
  That's a discourse community in which that's an acceptable
• 29:54
  discourse norm. It's not acceptable in like
• 29:57
  Bumble. So then it's a boundary
• 29:58
  violation and it's a lack of consent, OK.
• 30:01
  Yeah, well, my SO my apps on or my dating profile is on field,
• 30:04
  so it's not going to be so that'll.
• 30:05
  Be a different, right? Yeah.
• 30:08
  But we can still, we can still look at it.
• 30:09
  Yeah, no problematic. And I've heard.
• 30:12
  Good things about field for for people who are specifically
• 30:16
  looking for Poly relationships or kink relationships, yeah.
• 30:19
  Kink, Poly sex positive, more casual, but also you can you can
• 30:23
  meet your anchor partner or your primary partner for sure yeah,
• 30:26
  or even there. I mean I've met people who are
• 30:27
  monogamous on field. They just say I'm I'm
• 30:29
  monogamous, but I'm, you know, I'm kink forward or whatever, or
• 30:32
  I'm curious, I'm kink curious or but I I also really appreciate
• 30:38
  you saying, hey, this is for traditional monogamous
• 30:40
  relationships. And actually this method is for
• 30:43
  like women who date men pretty much or non binary folks who
• 30:47
  date men like this is although. Women are using it with women
• 30:50
  quite a bit in bird haystack too.
• 30:53
  And we're going to talk about how maybe I could use it, yeah,
• 30:56
  as a man, Sure. And how we can maybe use it for
• 30:59
  like you? You mentioned work and friend
• 31:01
  and. Like life.
• 31:02
  You know, right? Right.
• 31:05
  So we're filtering men who go very sexual from the get go
• 31:10
  because that shows that they're most likely not a viable partner
• 31:17
  for like a long term monogamous relationship.
• 31:19
  They're probably just looking for sex if they're leading with
• 31:22
  sex. Right.
• 31:23
  And I also think that like to lead that way on an app like
• 31:27
  Bumbler Hinge is sort of inherently objectifying.
• 31:31
  And I think that that, you know, is definitely a red flag for
• 31:37
  anybody who's looking for long term monogamy.
• 31:40
  I. Will even say that unless even
• 31:43
  on field yeah, unless the profile says tell me what you
• 31:46
  want to do to me leading with sex is not a good strategy
• 31:50
  either. I've.
• 31:51
  Heard people say that about field.
• 31:53
  Yeah, I mean, interestingly, it's a lot of people who are
• 31:57
  very much in the Polly kink communities have been the
• 32:01
  loudest voices coming forward and saying no, that like we
• 32:05
  don't want that either. It's not about, it's actually
• 32:08
  not about sex. And that's that's what I have to
• 32:10
  keep saying over and over again. This is not about sex.
• 32:12
  It's not about being sex positive.
• 32:14
  It's about getting rhetorical information and applying it in a
• 32:19
  way to sort of stack the deck in your favor based on probability.
• 32:23
  It's not a hard science, you know, It's a theoretical.
• 32:26
  It's like grounded theory. It's a there's, there's some,
• 32:30
  there's room for creative expression.
• 32:33
  Yeah, right. Because there's different types
• 32:35
  of profiles, or different types of approaches or different types
• 32:38
  of opening messages that might work for.
• 32:40
  Sure. And the other thing so burnt
• 32:43
  haystack is a strict method and I frequently, you know, get
• 32:46
  people sending me ranty emails and they're like, well, I don't
• 32:48
  want to do it that way. I'm like, well then don't like
• 32:51
  it's not right. It's a Facebook group.
• 32:54
  It's free. I just, you don't even, you
• 32:57
  don't have to read it. You're not paying.
• 32:58
  For this, you're not paying for this I So should we just talk
• 33:02
  about a few of the rules? I don't think we need to go
• 33:04
  through all of them because people can buy your book that
• 33:05
  comes out in April and they can get all the rules.
• 33:08
  Yeah, that's. True, all the rules are in
• 33:09
  there. So just like a.
• 33:10
  Few of them that so we can sort of start sending people, you
• 33:13
  know, and also there is show notes for the Facebook group,
• 33:17
  your Instagram, where to pre buy the book, all that stuff.
• 33:20
  You know, if you want more. But, like, for now, let's just
• 33:22
  chat on a couple of the rules, yeah?
• 33:24
  So I mean, probably the most popular one is number rule
• 33:26
  number 4, which is black to burn.
• 33:28
  We already talked about that one.
• 33:30
  Another one of the ones that's really hard, but I think really
• 33:32
  important. I don't remember what number.
• 33:34
  No fighting with men. They might deserve it.
• 33:37
  You might find it fun. It's a waste of your time.
• 33:40
  Like don't fight with strangers on the Internet.
• 33:42
  If unless that's your goal. If your goal is to fight with
• 33:45
  strangers because you think that's fun, then fine.
• 33:47
  But like, you are very possibly missing a really great match
• 33:52
  because you're arguing with this moron that you have no intention
• 33:56
  of meeting, right? So just don't do that.
• 33:59
  People should be on their best behavior.
• 34:01
  Yeah, like early on, I mean, they should be on their best
• 34:03
  behavior all the time. But eventually like as you get
• 34:05
  to know somebody. Right, of course your little.
• 34:07
  Inner child comes, comes out to play and to fight.
• 34:10
  But at the beginning, like we are, we're literally trying to
• 34:12
  be on our best behavior. So if you're having to like,
• 34:14
  fight and argue or convince or control some stranger to act a
• 34:19
  certain way, you know you're wasting your time.
• 34:22
  You're wasting your energy, right?
• 34:25
  Another rule that I take a lot of like critique for is rule #9,
• 34:30
  which is no men who can't plan the date.
• 34:33
  Because on its face, that sounds very traditional, almost
• 34:36
  conservative. And I'm not.
• 34:39
  I'm definitely not saying you have to sit back and do whatever
• 34:42
  he wants. That's not the intention right
• 34:44
  now. I believe that we still in
• 34:46
  America have an imbalance of domestic and emotional labor in
• 34:50
  which women are doing the majority of it.
• 34:53
  Now, this changes regionally and like all these, you know,
• 34:57
  generationally all that, but overall, women are doing more
• 35:00
  domestic and emotional labor than men.
• 35:02
  And what happens, or at least what happened to me all the time
• 35:05
  on the apps is some guy would message me and be like, you
• 35:08
  know, I've enjoyed talking, would you want to meet?
• 35:11
  And I'd be like, yeah, that sounds great.
• 35:13
  And he'd be like, OK, great. And then like that'd be it.
• 35:16
  And I was like, am I supposed to do everything now?
• 35:18
  Or he'd be like, great, let me know what you want to do.
• 35:20
  And then it was kind of like, it's sort of like this, like now
• 35:23
  you're in secretary mode. It's not like doesn't need to be
• 35:26
  like either or 100% or 0% zero sum game sort of scenario, but
• 35:31
  just that there should be like a Co creation and a sharing of
• 35:34
  that form of Labor from the the beginning because that bodes
• 35:37
  well for what the relationship will look like down the road.
• 35:41
  Yeah, I think I saw somewhere you saying there could be, you
• 35:46
  know, we could, we could ask, hey, what do you want to do on
• 35:49
  the first date or, or like how do you, how do you what I think
• 35:52
  it was like what kind of first date do you usually enjoy
• 35:55
  something along those? Lines, right, That's great,
• 35:58
  right. That's asking for information
• 35:59
  that makes sense. Yeah, because sometimes.
• 36:01
  It's a restaurant. Sometimes, you know, it's like,
• 36:04
  oh, I like to have a meal. I like to go for a walk.
• 36:06
  I like to go for a bike ride. I like to go for coffee.
• 36:08
  I like to do something short, sweet, short and sweet just in
• 36:12
  case it's a dud. And then I can sort of bow out.
• 36:15
  Yeah. Like, I love coffee dates.
• 36:17
  I know there's like a bunch of Instagram dating coaches who are
• 36:20
  like, you should never go on a coffee date.
• 36:23
  He's a low stakes loser. That's low effort, matches
• 36:27
  energy. Yeah, my, my.
• 36:29
  Favorite is when a when a profile from a woman says I love
• 36:34
  AI, love a coffee date as a first date.
• 36:36
  Let's make it easy. And I'm just like, yes, you
• 36:38
  know, like. Yeah.
• 36:38
  Because I the first date is kind of a vibe check.
• 36:40
  It's not it. Totally is.
• 36:42
  It's, it's more like a business meeting, like you should treat
• 36:46
  the first date. Yeah, in a sort of practical
• 36:49
  detached manner. Interesting.
• 36:53
  Yeah, OK. First dates. 1st.
• 36:56
  Dates can be simple, but also if you're the type of person who
• 36:58
  wants like a more elaborate first date, you could say like,
• 37:00
  oh, I'm not really into coffee first dates.
• 37:02
  Like I like something a little bit more interesting.
• 37:05
  Which honestly, I don't know. Tell me how you feel about this.
• 37:09
  I feel like if I were a man, this maybe this is misogynistic.
• 37:12
  This is me being toxic. Let's go, let's go.
• 37:15
  If I were a man and a woman said that to me, I'd be like, yeah,
• 37:19
  this is not going to work. Like that seems fussy and
• 37:22
  demanding to me. It is kind.
• 37:23
  Of fussy and demanding. It's just also like high stakes,
• 37:25
  like why are we putting? Why?
• 37:27
  We don't know each other. We don't know.
• 37:28
  Each other. Why are we putting so much
• 37:30
  effort and time and resources? Right.
• 37:32
  I'd rather end up for like, I think, I think I, I said
• 37:36
  somewhere like, oh, what about an ice cream cone in a wok?
• 37:38
  And a lot of women are like, that's cute.
• 37:40
  I would do an ice cream cone in a wok, you know, and that can
• 37:43
  turn into food. Right.
• 37:45
  Exactly. Then you've like built in some
• 37:47
  flexibility for yourself and you haven't like you haven't
• 37:51
  committed to it. Then you're trapped.
• 37:54
  I have to, I have to, I have to share this.
• 37:57
  I told I have to share this. One of the better, more quirky
• 38:04
  first dates that I went on recently was going to the DMV
• 38:07
  with somebody. Wow.
• 38:09
  Now that's a great test of people's leg tolerance for
• 38:12
  frustration. And it was really, I mean, we
• 38:15
  met. We met up for coffee first.
• 38:17
  I mean, the DMV has changed since COVID.
• 38:19
  At least where I live it has. Not where I live, just you can.
• 38:23
  You can get in line online. And you can see where.
• 38:28
  You are in line and then they tell you hey, you're like 4
• 38:32
  away. Start heading to the entrance
• 38:35
  that's. Pretty high speed.
• 38:37
  Yeah, so so there was so it was cool.
• 38:40
  We like got coffee, we hung out, we kept on checking where we
• 38:43
  were in line. We were both doing some DMV
• 38:45
  related stuff. Then we went for a walk and it
• 38:47
  was like, oh, and then and then I don't usually talk about my
• 38:52
  dates, but this is like a really good one.
• 38:54
  She was like, I have to go. I was like, what are you doing?
• 38:56
  She goes, I have to buy. I'm like buying a Jean jacket on
• 38:59
  Facebook Marketplace and I go, cool, it's in nearby.
• 39:02
  She goes, yeah, it's like right down the street.
• 39:03
  I go, should we go? She goes, yeah, let's go.
• 39:05
  And so then we went and got the jacket and then we walked some
• 39:07
  more. And that's awesome.
• 39:09
  Plus. It's safer because she had you
• 39:11
  with her to go get her so she didn't get murdered from the
• 39:14
  Facebook marketplace people she. Didn't get murdered?
• 39:18
  Yeah. She didn't get murdered by me or
• 39:20
  by the Facebook marketplace, yes.
• 39:22
  Statistically, you were the bigger risk there that one. 100
• 39:24
  percent, 100% that she was buying from a woman.
• 39:29
  Oh, OK. But then we could.
• 39:30
  Also, we were like, Oh yeah, it does look cute.
• 39:32
  Oh, it's the perfect size. Like, you know, so, so it can
• 39:35
  look different. It doesn't have to be right to
• 39:37
  be so rigid in what we're doing when we meet up with somebody
• 39:42
  totally. Agree.
• 39:43
  Yeah, I mean, most of life is going to the DMV and buying
• 39:48
  jeans, jackets at Facebook Marketplace, right?
• 39:51
  That's a better test than a fancy restaurant, I've always
• 39:55
  told people. That I've always told people
• 39:56
  that going to Costco I think would be like a great first
• 40:01
  date, you know, get, you get like a hot dog or you can get
• 40:03
  like whatever. And then we go in and, like,
• 40:06
  there's so many things to talk about, yeah.
• 40:08
  That's true. We could like.
• 40:09
  Look at what's in what's in each other's baskets.
• 40:12
  You could use my membership. Yeah, and probably somebody's
• 40:15
  going to act crazy at that Costco.
• 40:16
  You can kind of analyze that, yeah, 1. 100% Like dinner is
• 40:21
  just, it's a lot of focus. I also don't really do well in
• 40:26
  loud spaces. OK yeah.
• 40:28
  And I feel like if it's going to be dinner, it has to be a pretty
• 40:30
  quiet, chill restaurant. Well, and plus don't like, I, I
• 40:34
  love to eat. Like I love going out to eat,
• 40:36
  but if I'm going to be nervous, it's going to kind of ruin my
• 40:39
  meal anyway. Like I'm not going to enjoy my
• 40:41
  food the same way I would if I were, like with my friends.
• 40:44
  Yeah, so for a first date, like, I don't want to waste the meal,
• 40:48
  you know, like. That's really funny.
• 40:49
  I'd rather go out. For my with my girlfriends for
• 40:52
  that meal, Yeah 1. 100% I was invited to do like an interview,
• 40:56
  like a lunch interview for a podcast network in LA and then
• 41:00
  we all ordered like pokey bowls and then as soon as we started
• 41:03
  eating they started grilling me on stuff so I'm getting grilled
• 41:07
  while trying to eat. Turkey Bowl.
• 41:10
  And it just, the whole thing was off like it was.
• 41:12
  I was insecure. I couldn't enjoy the meal.
• 41:15
  I can imagine that being the same thing for a date.
• 41:18
  Also, if you don't vibe and you're like, you know, as a man
• 41:20
  now I've I've sort of changed my tune.
• 41:22
  I just pay for most dates, which I used to.
• 41:26
  I used to not used to be more about like equality and let's
• 41:29
  like split it. We're strangers, whatever.
• 41:31
  But I've got enough pushback where I'm just like, fuck it.
• 41:34
  I'm, I'm paying for the day, you know, pay tax, whatever.
• 41:38
  We're we're closing the gap. It's just easier that way and I
• 41:43
  just would feel crummy having to pay for a whole meal if I might
• 41:46
  not vibrate with the person at all and we're both not enjoying
• 41:49
  ourselves 100. Percent.
• 41:51
  Yeah, I totally agree. Plus it.
• 41:53
  Cost me 150 bucks or something, you know, Yeah.
• 41:56
  Yeah, and then it's just gone. You don't have anything to show
• 41:59
  for it, all right? Let's see if I can show you my
• 42:01
  profile. I actually never tried this.
• 42:04
  Let's see if this works. OK, there it is.
• 42:07
  Do you? See this.
• 42:08
  Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
• 42:09
  OK, OK. OK.
• 42:11
  So this is your OK? Yeah.
• 42:12
  Talk us through it here. So this is my profile and this
• 42:15
  is what I have written. I have looking for a winter
• 42:18
  lover or the love of my life. OK.
• 42:21
  Back in San Francisco after 10 years away.
• 42:23
  What did I miss? I'll just read the whole thing
• 42:25
  and then we can kind of break it down.
• 42:27
  Yeah. Ideally I'd love to build
• 42:29
  something sustainable, loving and connected.
• 42:31
  I tend towards monogamy, but open to being open.
• 42:33
  I'm into kinky, funny weirdos, artists, people with great
• 42:36
  communication skills, emotional intelligence, bold and
• 42:39
  courageous individuals, and playful intimacy.
• 42:41
  Really into people who value therapy.
• 42:44
  I like to ski, bike and climb and Hot Springs.
• 42:46
  You don't need to enjoy any of these things, but if you did, we
• 42:49
  could do some of them together. Let's see where is let's get
• 42:55
  together and see how we click. And then I wrote 6 feet and then
• 42:58
  French and English are my the languages.
• 43:00
  OK, So that's the what do you think?
• 43:02
  That's the bio, OK. So I'm going to go through again
• 43:06
  now some of these are not going to apply since, you know, like
• 43:11
  or not not that they don't apply, but like it would be a
• 43:14
  different analysis for burn haystack.
• 43:16
  So overall, like the I really like the writing in this
• 43:20
  profile. Like you're very articulate,
• 43:22
  you're creative. It's it's funny, like it sounds
• 43:24
  like there's a personality behind this and it's like
• 43:28
  grammatically perfect, but also doesn't look like Teddy GPT,
• 43:32
  which it's not. No, I.
• 43:33
  Could tell. I mean, I'm, you know, I'm, I'm
• 43:36
  a professor of so right, right, right.
• 43:38
  Well. Everything is ChatGPT now.
• 43:39
  You know, it's like, is this it's remember that TV show?
• 43:41
  Is this cake? Yeah.
• 43:43
  Yeah, right. Every.
• 43:44
  Yeah, that's exactly now. Everything is and it's, so it's
• 43:47
  pretty easy to tell it's like it is.
• 43:49
  Really annoying. Now I know.
• 43:51
  It's a problem. OK, so I don't think for for
• 43:55
  being on field, which is what this is and for people who don't
• 43:59
  know that's you know, an app that's slightly outside of the
• 44:03
  mainstream, although people use it to find traditional Iowa's
• 44:06
  partnerships also, but very king friendly open Poly all these
• 44:10
  they like. It's also like intentionally
• 44:12
  built in to capture that crowd. So in burned haystack, if this
• 44:16
  run a mainstream app, the words kinky, playful, like playful
• 44:22
  intimacy, those would all be black to burn because we'd
• 44:25
  consider that going to sex in the profile.
• 44:28
  But again, that wouldn't apply here.
• 44:30
  What I really like about your profile and like being a liberal
• 44:36
  man, this might be shocking to you, but it's almost rare to
• 44:40
  find a man's profile who that's not in some way yelling at
• 44:46
  women, disciplining women, insulting women like it's it's
• 44:52
  more the norm than not. So you're not using your profile
• 44:56
  to do those things. You're using your profile to
• 44:58
  talk about you, which is what we want and what.
• 45:02
  I'm looking for. I do have I have one one bone to
• 45:05
  pick on the next. Can you go to the next image?
• 45:09
  Oh, that the end. Yeah, the end.
• 45:11
  OK, so, and this is going to seem really picky.
• 45:15
  We love. Picky.
• 45:16
  So one of our red flag rhetorical patterns is called
• 45:21
  disciplinary directive. So it usually manifests like
• 45:25
  this, a man saying you need to be fit, easygoing, not take
• 45:30
  yourself seriously and no drama, right.
• 45:32
  Like that's disciplinary directive there's.
• 45:34
  A drama, by the way, anyone who has no drama there, that that's
• 45:38
  where the drama is coming from totally.
• 45:40
  Yeah, I think what they're saying is no, no drama, because
• 45:43
  like, I got that covered, right? Like, I'm going to bring so much
• 45:46
  baby. Yeah.
• 45:49
  That's how I interpret that anyway.
• 45:51
  So in a very strict grammatical sense, let's LET Apostrophe S is
• 45:56
  directive. And so like a woman employing a
• 46:01
  really, really strict application of Burn Haystack
• 46:04
  might say, I don't know. It violates a pattern.
• 46:07
  I suspect because the profile is so good overall, like everybody
• 46:11
  would be willing to look past this.
• 46:13
  But if you wanted to like, bring it into alignment with Burn
• 46:16
  Haystack for avoiding like disciplinary directive, you can
• 46:20
  just say, yeah, shall we get together and see how, See how we
• 46:24
  click. Yeah, make it into a question or
• 46:26
  you know, if this sounds appealing to you, you, I hope
• 46:30
  you might want to get together. Yeah.
• 46:32
  Yeah. See how we think?
• 46:32
  A little soft super. Yeah, really.
• 46:35
  Slight tweak but this. Is me showing them that like I
• 46:38
  can lead, you know? Right.
• 46:40
  Yeah. I have an alpha.
• 46:41
  I have an alpha, yeah. I like the I like to ski, bike
• 46:45
  and climb and hot spring. You don't need to enjoy any of
• 46:48
  these things, but if you did, we could do some of them together,
• 46:50
  which is I love. That hey.
• 46:52
  Do you like any of these sports? It's actually not important that
• 46:55
  you do, but if you did, we'd have something in common I'd
• 46:58
  say. That's perfectly stated, OK.
• 47:01
  Yeah, cool. And then I like people who are
• 47:03
  into who value therapy. So it's like, OK, we're going to
• 47:05
  work on ourselves. We're going to do some emotional
• 47:07
  intelligence like. I think that's a smart way to
• 47:11
  say that because a lot of men are doing this.
• 47:13
  Like I go to therapy virtue signaling, like I'm waving the
• 47:16
  bag of the banner of therapy right where they're like psycho
• 47:20
  babbling everyone to death. And that like never comes off as
• 47:25
  genuine or legitimate. I don't think the way you're
• 47:28
  saying it, I think it's just right because you're stating it
• 47:31
  as like an individual value and women can take what they want
• 47:34
  from that. And then back in San Francisco
• 47:36
  after 10 years, what did I miss? So maybe like, oh, you missed,
• 47:39
  you know, it's like an opportunity to like connect on
• 47:41
  this and that's. A nice way to invite someone
• 47:45
  into dialogue with you, yeah. They could be like, you missed
• 47:48
  me, I've been here for 10 years, right?
• 47:50
  Yeah, or you missed this awesome new restaurant.
• 47:53
  Do you like Greek food? Right.
• 47:55
  I love. Greek food?
• 47:56
  How'd you know? Well, I'm Greek.
• 47:58
  Are you Greek? I'm Greek.
• 48:00
  My. Mom's maiden name is Castacus.
• 48:05
  You look Greek. I don't look Greek because I
• 48:07
  look like my dad's Indiana farm people, but my mom looks very
• 48:11
  Greek. Yeah, my.
• 48:12
  Dad looks very Greek. My mom's French Canadian.
• 48:14
  My middle name is Constantinos. Oh, OK.
• 48:17
  Yeah. That qualifies.
• 48:18
  It does. Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool.
• 48:21
  Yeah, we I do love Greek food, so I.
• 48:23
  Would be. I would be.
• 48:24
  Into a new restaurant. I'm in San Francisco.
• 48:27
  Should we look at photos real quick?
• 48:28
  Yeah, let's look up. Do you have directives for
• 48:30
  photos too? Some it depends like I think OK
• 48:34
  hold. On we're going to go in order.
• 48:35
  So this is an order. This is the first photo, OK.
• 48:38
  That's great. Love it.
• 48:40
  We. You can't really see my eyes.
• 48:44
  No, but you're laughing and it looks like a genuine laugh.
• 48:47
  It is, yeah. It's a headshot.
• 48:49
  It is a headshot though, or it's like it looks.
• 48:50
  Like a professional headshot. If this were the only shot,
• 48:54
  there's a lot of women who are going to be like, I don't know,
• 48:57
  good looking guy headshot, probably a scammer just because
• 49:01
  that's what the scammers tend to put up.
• 49:02
  But I can tell because you've flipped through, you've got
• 49:05
  other more like candid shots that are going to redeem that
• 49:09
  concerned. I also have gotten banned from
• 49:12
  Tinder because my profile when I used to have one we get flagged
• 49:16
  all the time as catfish or scam account when I'm like it's me
• 49:20
  it's actually me. That happens more than people
• 49:24
  think. I think it's weird.
• 49:26
  Yeah, OK. This is a field, you know,
• 49:29
  appropriate photo. This would be inappropriate on
• 49:32
  Bumble, I think. Yeah.
• 49:33
  It would right agree. OK.
• 49:35
  Just sexy. Yeah.
• 49:38
  But this conveys the right message on field, like, hey, you
• 49:41
  know, we, we might be able to have fun together, right?
• 49:43
  Here's a photo of me without a hat.
• 49:45
  So you know that I'm shave my head, right?
• 49:47
  Which is important because first of all, I think men think women
• 49:51
  care about baldness way more than women care about baldness.
• 49:54
  But if a man has a hat in every picture, then that sort of looks
• 49:58
  like he's hiding something, which is either like A seems not
• 50:04
  transparent, or B that he's signaling.
• 50:06
  Like, I'm insecure about this, right?
• 50:08
  It's better to sort of, yeah, like, this is me.
• 50:12
  I also. Show up to dates.
• 50:13
  If I'm wearing a hat, I take it off because, like, sometimes
• 50:16
  it's chilly. Here's the thing about having a
• 50:18
  bald head. It's chilly.
• 50:19
  Yeah. Right, of course you got to.
• 50:21
  Wear through your. Head, we learned you got to wear
• 50:22
  a hat. But I didn't learn that in I
• 50:25
  didn't learn that in school. Oh, I.
• 50:27
  Did, but I'm a Midwestern child so it was in Canada.
• 50:31
  But we all had, we, we, we knew that in Canada, we didn't have
• 50:34
  to learn it in school. Yeah.
• 50:35
  Exactly. We were born with that sign.
• 50:38
  Yeah, we were born. With tuks for sure I take my hat
• 50:42
  off like I I don't keep my hat on.
• 50:44
  Oh my God. I I, I got a message from
• 50:46
  someone saying or it was like a question from a follower was
• 50:50
  like, my partner won't even take his hat off during sex.
• 50:53
  Oh my. God, yeah, that's a problem.
• 50:56
  That's a. Problem.
• 50:57
  Yeah, I also saw comedians say, like, I don't have a problem
• 50:59
  with bald guys. I got a problem with balding
• 51:02
  guys, like if you're bald. Because they're like in denial
• 51:07
  or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 51:09
  If you're balding, it's like you need to be bald, you need to go
• 51:13
  bald, you know, yeah, yeah. OK.
• 51:15
  So usually on Hinge I'll have a thing like a a prompt with this
• 51:20
  photo saying I I smile more in person just to.
• 51:24
  Let people. Know that I do.
• 51:25
  I smile a lot and it's like this photo doesn't show that I'm
• 51:29
  doing it back. So this is for people at home.
• 51:31
  Also, if you're at home, you need to go and watch this
• 51:34
  episode because I'm showing you all the photos.
• 51:36
  This is me doing a flip into a pool naked at a wedding.
• 51:42
  And it's a great shot. It's an.
• 51:44
  Incredible shot. The photographer really, really
• 51:47
  nailed it. Nailed it.
• 51:48
  Yeah. And I think this shows that I'm
• 51:49
  playful and that I'm, you know, I'm like lean, you know,
• 51:53
  muscular. You can see a lot of, like, back
• 51:54
  muscle. And I have tattoos.
• 51:57
  Right. Well, and that you're a guy
• 51:58
  who's willing to do a naked backflip.
• 52:01
  Like, that's a lot of rhetorical information.
• 52:04
  Yeah. Into a pool, Right.
• 52:05
  Yeah. OK.
• 52:05
  What's the information? This is not someone who's overly
• 52:10
  inhibited, overly like scared of things.
• 52:14
  Like I wouldn't be brave. Like I'd be afraid to jump off a
• 52:17
  diving board like that just because I would think I would
• 52:19
  hurt myself. And you're not right.
• 52:21
  So it's like adventuresome, I think, and.
• 52:23
  Maybe a little like look at me. Maybe, but I mean, you didn't
• 52:29
  take the picture. I didn't.
• 52:30
  Take the picture. No, but we knew the photographer
• 52:32
  was there. For that, right.
• 52:33
  Like you could be like, I did not set this up.
• 52:35
  I was at a wedding. The professional photographer
• 52:37
  took it. Yeah.
• 52:39
  Yes, I. Naked.
• 52:40
  That just happened, yeah. If there's a pool, I'm jumping
• 52:43
  in, that's the sort of thing. Yeah.
• 52:45
  I travel. This is me in the Dolomites
• 52:48
  wearing a nice hat and a nice sweater, and there's, like,
• 52:51
  mountains in the background. Yeah.
• 52:52
  Very nice wedding. Another wedding, actually.
• 52:55
  OK. And then this is the last photo.
• 52:57
  I think I'm licking a big lollipop, Yeah.
• 53:01
  So I think that's fine. We've had a weird amount of
• 53:06
  discussions about like, should we really be seeing people's
• 53:08
  tongues in their dating a profiles like like in any way?
• 53:12
  Like, is there ever a time it's like?
• 53:14
  Feet if feet and tongues may be on a dating profile and kids
• 53:19
  don't do it. Yeah, right.
• 53:20
  Kids all the time. I don't know this.
• 53:23
  Like I feel like you'd you'd probably be fine with this even
• 53:26
  on a mainstream app because this does not actually come across to
• 53:29
  me as overly sexual. Do you see it that way or no?
• 53:31
  Oh no. It's not sexual, it's all just
• 53:33
  playful. Right, Yeah, I'm like a.
• 53:34
  Huge. It's because I'm licking this
• 53:36
  massive lollipop that's bigger than my head and I found it at a
• 53:39
  gas station in Italy and it was like the most ridiculous thing.
• 53:45
  And so this shows like again, playful.
• 53:47
  I think I'm just trying to. I'm trying to signal that like
• 53:49
  we're going to have fun. I'm a fun person.
• 53:52
  Yeah. I.
• 53:52
  Think I think you're accomplishing that in this
• 53:54
  picture. I think it's good there's a.
• 53:56
  Way. Yeah, there was a way in which
• 53:58
  if I was like, had lusty eyes. Right, Right.
• 54:01
  Exactly. Yeah.
• 54:03
  OK, how do we stop? OK, there.
• 54:06
  Hey, that was fun. That was.
• 54:08
  Fun. Yeah.
• 54:09
  Yeah. Thank you.
• 54:09
  Thank you for thank you for playing with me on of.
• 54:12
  Course, yeah, I love doing this. I do.
• 54:14
  Love, I do love showing off my my dating profile.
• 54:18
  Yeah. OK, So what else should we talk
• 54:20
  about? We've got a few more minutes.
• 54:22
  We talked about your success stories.
• 54:24
  Should we talk about like the rising manosphere and toxic
• 54:29
  masculinity or applications of the method beyond dating?
• 54:32
  What are what sort of juicier for you?
• 54:36
  I mean, honestly, I don't know that my take on the problems
• 54:39
  associated with the manosphere is going to be radically
• 54:42
  different than anybody else's, except that I think it's higher
• 54:45
  stakes in the dating realm, right?
• 54:48
  Like, like, it's more dangerous to date a manosphere guy than
• 54:51
  to, like, work down the hall from one.
• 54:53
  It's just going to mess your life up way more.
• 54:55
  Well, maybe we can. Touch on like how would we
• 54:58
  identify using your method a profile that maybe indicates
• 55:02
  that someone's kind of going down that that path, I mean?
• 55:05
  There's there's all the like red pill language, right?
• 55:08
  Like, like the men who are looking for a peaceful woman or
• 55:12
  more overtly A Proverbs 31 woman.
• 55:15
  I don't even know what they put that.
• 55:17
  They use that all the time. I can't even remember what the
• 55:19
  scripture is, but it it's has something to do with being a
• 55:22
  queen to his king. Yeah.
• 55:25
  We. Let we kind of like, you know,
• 55:28
  there there's a there's some like neo Tantra talk, though,
• 55:31
  where it's like you're you're my queen, I'm your king, you know,
• 55:34
  like that. There's we, we, we are loyal to
• 55:37
  each other. We Revere each other.
• 55:38
  Like there there is some of that that's actually kind of sweet
• 55:43
  and tender. There is and, and in certain
• 55:47
  honestly quite marginalized groups, those terms are, are
• 55:52
  used in ways that are like acceptable and understood
• 55:57
  within, you know, that discourse community.
• 56:00
  The white guy living at a cul-de-sac driving the monster
• 56:04
  truck with the Confederate flag. If he's talking about being the
• 56:07
  queen to his king, he is not referring to what you're talking
• 56:10
  about. You know what I mean?
• 56:12
  So we have to look at some of the photos we do.
• 56:14
  We have to figure out yeah, yeah, yeah, what kind of sports
• 56:17
  they're into. Exactly if he's in the.
• 56:19
  Capoeira. It might be the other kind if
• 56:22
  he's into going to the shooting range or the driving range.
• 56:27
  It might be. The other kind, right, Any sort
• 56:29
  of range, if you're going to a range, it's yeah.
• 56:32
  Yeah, forgot. Yeah, for sure.
• 56:34
  And even like the, the, there's a lot of men out there demanding
• 56:37
  loyalty from women, like what women they haven't met.
• 56:42
  That's a problem, right? Yeah.
• 56:44
  And, you know, it's, it's frequently tied into
• 56:46
  conservative Christianity, but not always.
• 56:49
  But you're, you're looking for like evidence of this, like
• 56:51
  hierarchy, this perceived hierarchy where they're like,
• 56:54
  and I, I'm, I'm, I'm ready to lead a household, you know,
• 56:58
  like, I want to meet the woman who will be led by me, which is
• 57:02
  like, there's a lot of that right now.
• 57:04
  Yeah, interesting. It's so weird because I don't I
• 57:07
  I think I need to like hang out with one of my gal pals and look
• 57:11
  at their their app because I don't have access.
• 57:15
  Right, well and region. Matters.
• 57:17
  A lot too. Right, like.
• 57:21
  In Wisconsin, it's pretty rough. It's pretty rough, yeah.
• 57:23
  I mean, I'm I'm either in like Montreal or California.
• 57:27
  So those are liberal spaces, very.
• 57:30
  Yeah. And in the most, I mean, I like
• 57:33
  LA or San Francisco, like the most liberal spaces.
• 57:36
  It's different if you're in Bakersfield or if you're in, you
• 57:39
  know, some, some parts of of California are are can be very
• 57:42
  conservative. Yeah.
• 57:44
  OK. So we're looking for code words,
• 57:46
  we're looking for subtle language that's denoting some
• 57:50
  sort of hierarchy where the the man is placed at the top of the
• 57:53
  the pyramid and then I guess in images.
• 57:58
  Yeah. What do you think?
• 57:59
  Fishing, can we? We can't.
• 58:01
  There's some liberal fish Fisher there.
• 58:02
  Are. Yeah.
• 58:03
  And in Wisconsin, they all fish. So, like, there's no going.
• 58:07
  I think you should watch out for the guys who take their pictures
• 58:09
  like this with this angle. And they're, like, glaring down
• 58:12
  at it. Your gal pals will show you
• 58:14
  this. It's a real problem.
• 58:16
  They're like me. They're like looking really
• 58:18
  mean. Down.
• 58:19
  Yeah. Yeah, it was nice to you.
• 58:21
  Now show me your boobs. Yeah.
• 58:22
  Yeah, it's weird. Like, I don't know, those
• 58:25
  pictures aren't even flattering. Like how do they, if I look at
• 58:27
  that and think like, yeah, this is what she wants?
• 58:31
  I don't know. I don't know.
• 58:32
  What the the like thought process is behind people?
• 58:36
  Oh, I heard you on a podcast and you said if you're not willing
• 58:41
  to put some effort into your profile, you're probably not
• 58:43
  going to You're not probably not going to put some effort into
• 58:45
  your dating life as well or other.
• 58:47
  Areas of your life so take. This like it's funny because I,
• 58:50
  I was going to say take this seriously, whereas I don't
• 58:54
  generally take my profile too seriously.
• 58:57
  Like I frequently delete the app completely and start over like
• 59:00
  some people will be like, I've been curating my profile for
• 59:03
  four years. It's like the best it's ever
• 59:05
  been. I'm like, no, no, I use it for
• 59:06
  two weeks, delete it and I start over with fresh photos.
• 59:10
  I'm more like. He I was more like you.
• 59:13
  It's. It's not that serious, but then
• 59:14
  also A, it's not that serious. B, you do need to be intentional
• 59:18
  about it. And I think I have actually
• 59:20
  curated kind of, you know, a bio section that is accurate and
• 59:24
  like identifies what I'm looking for and like shows that I'm
• 59:29
  serious about. Well, and.
• 59:30
  You can be intentional and thoughtful and still fun.
• 59:35
  Like that's possible and funny, right?
• 59:38
  Like it serious doesn't mean somber.
• 59:41
  It's so funny that playful is like a code word for sexual.
• 59:47
  Yeah, and and I'm sure there's times it's not.
• 59:51
  That's not how I'm I'm not putting playful because I want
• 59:53
  to have sex. Like I'll just say like into
• 59:56
  like. Like I said, looking for a
• 59:57
  winner lover is pretty clear. That's.
• 1:00:00
  Sexual playful is like, can we can we tease each other in a
• 1:00:04
  loving way, not in a, you know, a mean.
• 1:00:06
  Spirited way. But like can can we see life in
• 1:00:09
  a playful way? Like, I have AI have a bestie
• 1:00:12
  that just found her, her needle, and it's really, really sweet
• 1:00:16
  how they met. And she's just like her and I,
• 1:00:18
  when we're together, all we do is laugh.
• 1:00:20
  It's just it's jokes, it's bits. It's playful.
• 1:00:24
  We can still be tender. We can still be honest and
• 1:00:26
  vulnerable. But like, we approach life from
• 1:00:28
  a very playful place. And so for me, that's always
• 1:00:31
  been, you know, a part of my personality that isn't, has
• 1:00:35
  nothing to do with sexuality. Yeah.
• 1:00:37
  And I mean, definitely that's, that's a connotation, right?
• 1:00:41
  There's different connotations. And context does matter.
• 1:00:44
  I mean, we talk a lot about text, subtext, context in terms
• 1:00:48
  of analyzing language. And I go into this quite a bit
• 1:00:51
  in my book where the context can frequently like moderate the
• 1:00:56
  text itself. Yeah.
• 1:00:58
  Or mediate, I guess. Maybe it's a better word.
• 1:01:00
  Yeah. OK, so we've got a lot of tips
• 1:01:04
  for people out there. There's you have a Facebook
• 1:01:07
  group that's free to join. Yep.
• 1:01:09
  Yep. It's got over 250,000 people as
• 1:01:12
  of February 2026 and it's only going to grow is.
• 1:01:15
  Free too, like if if you like. I prefer to get things in my
• 1:01:19
  inbox in a more controlled way. I don't want the chaos of
• 1:01:22
  Facebook. Substac is a great alternative.
• 1:01:27
  Thank you. For saying that, because
• 1:01:28
  Facebook can be very chaotic and a lot there's a lot of people
• 1:01:32
  pushing back on, you know, on Meta.
• 1:01:34
  Deservedly so. Deservedly so, yeah.
• 1:01:37
  So, OK, so there's a sub stack we're going to link to all of
• 1:01:40
  these. There's a book that comes out in
• 1:01:41
  April if if you're even. You want it analog, even more
• 1:01:45
  so. Analog, you want it in your
• 1:01:47
  hands. Yeah.
• 1:01:48
  OK. So there's a lot of ways that
• 1:01:50
  people can interact with your work.
• 1:01:52
  And again, all of this is optional.
• 1:01:54
  The strategies are optional. Using dating apps is optional,
• 1:01:58
  totally. Optional and the book has a
• 1:02:00
  whole chapter on how you can apply Burned Haystack to dating
• 1:02:05
  not using the dating apps. Right, because the dating apps
• 1:02:09
  is a tool. Yeah, it's.
• 1:02:10
  One tool to get you. To the date, right?
• 1:02:12
  Exactly right. No matter how you meet someone,
• 1:02:15
  you're going to be like interacting with them, messaging
• 1:02:17
  with them, seeing them in real life, viewing, you know, the
• 1:02:21
  objects and items that surround them.
• 1:02:23
  So all these things translate to real life too.
• 1:02:27
  Yeah. Is there anything that your
• 1:02:30
  method can speak to about? Like how you feel when you're
• 1:02:34
  with somebody? Oh, that's a great question.
• 1:02:37
  Like the? Feeling that you get when you're
• 1:02:39
  with someone that's aligned. So one thing I end up talking
• 1:02:43
  about a lot, but I I feel like I've taken this idea because I'm
• 1:02:47
  not a therapist or a psychologist.
• 1:02:49
  Do you, are you familiar with Logan Yuri's book How to Not Die
• 1:02:53
  Alone? Yeah.
• 1:02:54
  OK. SO11 And she's like of some kind
• 1:02:57
  of behavioral scientist, data scientist.
• 1:03:00
  And one of the things she says is, and she has like a like the
• 1:03:04
  post date 8 or something, like 8 questions you're supposed to ask
• 1:03:07
  yourself. And she's encouraging people get
• 1:03:10
  off the whole like, does he like me?
• 1:03:11
  Does she like me? You know, are they hot?
• 1:03:13
  Do I feel chemistry? And ask yourself, did I feel
• 1:03:16
  calm? Did I feel good about myself?
• 1:03:19
  Did I feel attracted or did I feel attractive?
• 1:03:22
  Like it's more like, how do you feel about yourself?
• 1:03:25
  I when I think back to my first date with my now partner, it was
• 1:03:31
  not immediate chemistry. I wouldn't have even said, you
• 1:03:34
  know, that I knew for sure there would be a second date.
• 1:03:37
  I remember driving away feeling happy and I didn't even think it
• 1:03:41
  was about him. I remember thinking like, I must
• 1:03:43
  just be in a good mood someday, Like, and I didn't connect it to
• 1:03:47
  him until I started thinking, yeah, I keep leaving all these
• 1:03:51
  dates in a really good mood, right?
• 1:03:53
  But I just thought it was more about me until like, I really
• 1:03:55
  saw this pattern. So but I I didn't feel anxious
• 1:03:58
  and hyped up and crazy and like, Oh my God, what if we never see
• 1:04:01
  each other again? It wasn't any of that.
• 1:04:03
  It was this much calmer, sort of like comfortable presence that
• 1:04:07
  then overtime grew into chemistry.
• 1:04:10
  I like. That yeah, that's sweet.
• 1:04:13
  It's. More sustainable because over
• 1:04:16
  the course of your life, like chemistry doesn't maintain, like
• 1:04:21
  initial chemistry never maintains anyway.
• 1:04:24
  So it's not a good metric, not not on its own to use to meet
• 1:04:28
  someone, I don't think. I mean, unless if you want to
• 1:04:30
  meet them for one night, then it might be great, right?
• 1:04:33
  But again, if what you're looking for is is a long term
• 1:04:36
  partnership, it's not as useful and it could work against you.
• 1:04:39
  Yeah. It's also interesting and
• 1:04:41
  important to highlight like, oh, how does my nervous system feel
• 1:04:43
  around this So. Important, I think it was.
• 1:04:45
  Was calm and like a little uplifted, right?
• 1:04:48
  Right, exactly that sounds. Sustainable.
• 1:04:51
  Yeah, it's great. Highly recommend.
• 1:04:53
  That's not what I went for when I was younger.
• 1:04:56
  Yeah. And those relationships did not
• 1:04:58
  end well, no. Yeah, you know they all end
• 1:05:01
  until they don't, right? Right, right.
• 1:05:03
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, last thing, I get messages
• 1:05:08
  from people saying like, oh, I'm 30 and I haven't found the love
• 1:05:11
  of my life, you know, I guess I'll just be single forever.
• 1:05:16
  Like women are sending that to you, Yeah.
• 1:05:18
  Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, I'm 43 and I'm
• 1:05:20
  single and I'm like, well, if you're going to be single
• 1:05:22
  forever, then I'm single forever.
• 1:05:24
  And I refuse to believe that like that, regardless of what
• 1:05:28
  age you are, right, You have to resign yourself to being single.
• 1:05:32
  No. We have a lot of women in their
• 1:05:34
  70s in Bern Taystak who have ended up partnered.
• 1:05:39
  There we go. Yeah, Thank you so much for
• 1:05:42
  everything. This was really a sweet
• 1:05:44
  conversation. Yeah.
• 1:05:45
  This has been great. Wait.
• 1:05:47
  Hold on, everybody. We we stopped recording and then
• 1:05:49
  we started recording because we're just still gabbing.
• 1:05:52
  And I was telling Jenny that Dan Savage is coming on the podcast.
• 1:05:55
  And then Jenny had a message to Dan Savage.
• 1:05:57
  So yeah, this is this is directly to Dan Savage.
• 1:05:59
  Go ahead. Yes.
• 1:06:00
  OK, so Dan Savage, if you are listening, I would like you and
• 1:06:04
  and the members of my community would like you to know that
• 1:06:08
  there are far too many straight middle-aged Midwestern American
• 1:06:13
  men abusing your GGG acronym good giving and game because we
• 1:06:19
  keep finding out they only mean for that to apply to women.
• 1:06:24
  This is. Crazy.
• 1:06:26
  It's a real problem, Real problem so.
• 1:06:29
  So middle-aged Midwestern American men are putting GGG,
• 1:06:32
  which means good giving and game, which is sort of the
• 1:06:34
  acronym for like the kind of lover that you are.
• 1:06:37
  You're good at making love, you're giving, you like to like
• 1:06:41
  pleasure of the other person in your game.
• 1:06:42
  You're up for anything. These guys are putting GGG in
• 1:06:45
  their profile in the hope. And then?
• 1:06:47
  But that only applies to their female partners being GGGG
• 1:06:50
  towards them and not them being GGG towards their partners.
• 1:06:54
  Exactly because the IT it intersects with our quote
• 1:06:57
  disciplinary directive, rhetorical pattern and they're
• 1:07:01
  laying it out there as a rule for women.
• 1:07:04
  Like if you are GGG, then I'll date you.
• 1:07:08
  I'm. Dying this is wildly
• 1:07:10
  inappropriate and. Wildly, yeah.
• 1:07:13
  Unacceptable for people to be Co opting GGG in this way.
• 1:07:18
  Right. Yeah, it's real bad.
• 1:07:20
  And GGG for more traditional relationships like this is this
• 1:07:26
  is an indicator of like kind of being sexually forward, Yes.
• 1:07:29
  And that's like another one of the of the sort of rules.
• 1:07:32
  Right I. Used to put GGGGG in my profile.
• 1:07:35
  Then I stopped because I was like, I saw it too.
• 1:07:38
  It's like it wasn't unique anymore.
• 1:07:39
  Everybody was putting in their profile.
• 1:07:41
  If everybody, not everybody can be GGG.
• 1:07:44
  No, right. Yeah, it kind of loses its Yeah,
• 1:07:46
  they're not. And they're not, you know,
• 1:07:49
  that's like saying no drama. Yeah, you're the drama.
• 1:07:52
  If you put GGG in, you're not GGG.
• 1:07:55
  Right. The other one that is a problem
• 1:07:57
  with the same contingent of middle-aged Midwestern men.
• 1:08:00
  They do not know what sex positive means.
• 1:08:03
  They think it means that like, yes, I positively want to have
• 1:08:07
  sex with you Greg, right now. Like they think it means that.
• 1:08:13
  So if I'm a dude, let's again, I'm Greg.
• 1:08:15
  I'm 50 years old. I'm from Milwaukee and I'm sex
• 1:08:19
  positive. What I think that means is that
• 1:08:22
  like, yeah, I feel really positive about sex.
• 1:08:24
  Like I really like it. Stop.
• 1:08:25
  It stop. It no, it's so pervasive they
• 1:08:30
  they just don't know what it means at all.
• 1:08:32
  And for everybody who does it, if you're from Milwaukee or
• 1:08:35
  whatever and, and you need to know what sex positive means, it
• 1:08:38
  means that you have a positive attitude towards sex, right?
• 1:08:41
  Right, We're not shaming people for their desires.
• 1:08:44
  Of. Attitude toward it.
• 1:08:46
  It's like sex positive feminism is an arm of feminism, but it's
• 1:08:51
  now being leveraged against women.
• 1:08:53
  Like you didn't want to sleep with me immediately.
• 1:08:54
  Are you not sex positive? I thought.
• 1:08:56
  You were sex positive, I guess you're not sex.
• 1:08:58
  Positive, yeah. Can we just stop, you know,
• 1:09:02
  making women feel bad for everything and like blaming
• 1:09:06
  women And they don't want to have sex with you, Greg, because
• 1:09:09
  you're an asshole. Not because they're not sex
• 1:09:11
  positive. It's because they have
• 1:09:12
  standards. Right, right.
• 1:09:14
  You don't meet. Those standards, yeah.
• 1:09:16
  Amen and you. Can't.
• 1:09:17
  I don't think you can't be sex positive unless you're OK with.
• 1:09:24
  Someone not having sex with you. Well, someone.
• 1:09:26
  Not having sex with you and other people having sex with
• 1:09:29
  whoever the fuck they want, right?
• 1:09:30
  Right, right, right it it. You can't, yeah.
• 1:09:32
  I don't think you could be sex positive and be like homophobic.
• 1:09:36
  I. Agree 100% OK we're.
• 1:09:38
  Going to end on that now you know Milwaukee and it's not just
• 1:09:42
  Milwaukee. Yeah, no, it's not.
• 1:09:43
  I feel bad. I love Milwaukee, for the
• 1:09:45
  record. I was just trying to think of a
• 1:09:47
  big Midwestern city. There's a.
• 1:09:48
  Lot. There's a lot.
• 1:09:49
  And it's not just the Midwest we're throwing.
• 1:09:52
  We're throwing the South, the Northeast, the Pacific
• 1:09:56
  Northwest, everybody. Florida, Texas, Wyoming,
• 1:10:03
  Montana, you're all under the bus, right?
• 1:10:05
  Absolutely. OK.
• 1:10:07
  This is the true end of the episode.
• 1:10:09
  This is a much better ending. Thank you so much for bringing
• 1:10:12
  us back, Jenny. Thank you.
• 1:10:14
  Talk to you. Later.
• 1:10:15
  All right. Bye, everybody.
• 1:10:16
  Oh, everybody, have a beautiful week.
• 1:10:17
  That's how I end the podcast. Nice.
• 1:10:22
  Hey friend, that's it for today's episode.
• 1:10:24
  A huge thank you to Jenny Young for coming on and sharing all of
• 1:10:27
  this and for not roasting my profile too hard.
• 1:10:30
  By the way, if you wanted to see what the profile looks like,
• 1:10:34
  then you have to watch this on either Spotify or YouTube.
• 1:10:37
  OK, the burn haystack dating method Facebook group is free to
• 1:10:41
  join. The sub stack is free and the
• 1:10:42
  book drops in April. Everything is in the show notes,
• 1:10:46
  so if this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend
• 1:10:49
  who's in the trenches right now. And if you've been feeling
• 1:10:53
  burned out on dating, this is a permission slip to stop giving
• 1:10:55
  everyone a chance and start protecting your own time.
• 1:10:59
  OK? If you're watching on YouTube or
• 1:11:01
  listening on Spotify, you can leave a comment.
• 1:11:02
  Tell me what you thought about this episode.
• 1:11:04
  Did anything like ring true for you or did you find anything
• 1:11:07
  surprising? Or do you disagree?
• 1:11:09
  I love the comments. It brings me a lot of joy.
• 1:11:12
  I'm having a good time interacting with people who are
• 1:11:15
  leaving comments on YouTube and on Spotify.
• 1:11:18
  If you're on Apple Podcasts, a review means the world because
• 1:11:21
  you can actually, like, leave a star review and then you could
• 1:11:23
  leave, like, a little testimonial.
• 1:11:25
  I don't think you could do that in other places.
• 1:11:27
  But if you can, please do review, like wherever you
• 1:11:30
  listen. But on Apple, it helps a lot.
• 1:11:32
  And whoever you are, wherever you're listening, share this
• 1:11:34
  with someone who needs to hear it.
• 1:11:36
  What else? OK, yeah.
• 1:11:37
  If you want to Share your story, if you want to ask a question,
• 1:11:39
  or if you want to give feedback, call or text me at 415-494-9559
• 1:11:45
  or e-mail podcast at the Love dr.com.
• 1:11:49
  Finally, I am hosting a retreat in June, June 5th, 6th and 7th.
• 1:11:55
  It's called Love camp. It is an opportunity for you to
• 1:11:58
  bring more play and love to your life.
• 1:12:01
  So if that seems interesting to you, if you want to go deeper on
• 1:12:05
  love connection and all of it, check out Love Camp.
• 1:12:07
  It's in Western Massachusetts. The link for Love Camp is in the
• 1:12:11
  bio. We are halfway sold.
• 1:12:12
  We're sold, half sold. So that's cool and thank you
• 1:12:16
  everybody. Have a beautiful week.
• 1:12:17
  Oh, wait, next week, a little pep talk, a little solo episode
• 1:12:23
  on something that I've been thinking about recently and for
• 1:12:25
  a long time, which is the importance of your relationship
• 1:12:32
  with you and how to pour all of the love that you want to pour
• 1:12:38
  into another, How to pour that into yourself.
• 1:12:41
  I gave myself a little pep talk last night in the mirror.
• 1:12:44
  I might share with you a little bit about that, but that is what
• 1:12:48
  next week's episode is going to be on.
• 1:12:50
  So thank you everybody. Have a beautiful week.