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As Was Previously Mentioned · The Lesbian Loudmouth Podcast

• 0:00
  Hello, friends. So good to see you guys again.
• 0:04
  You know, hypothetically, I'm in a parking lot. Okay.
• 0:08
  Bright side is you won't hear any of my tinkers or windshield wipers or anything
• 0:13
  like that or the heater, for that matter.
• 0:16
  It's pretty quiet. But I got to tell you, I think the guy next to me is also
• 0:20
  recording a podcast. So this might get a little bit awkward.
• 0:23
  I'm already uncomfortable. Why am I here? I don't know. Happy Christmas.
• 0:27
  Merry Festivus. Whatever the fuck you got going over there.
• 0:31
  Thank God it's over. The Valentine's Day candy is in the stores.
• 0:35
  And that's all I need to know. Spring is on the way. Any second now, guys.
• 0:39
  Any motherfucking cocksucking second from now, it's gonna happen.
• 0:44
  Right, why did I decide to do this? I don't even remember. Okay,
• 0:47
  oh, I've got one story. It's pretty dumb.
• 0:49
  And I've only got nine minutes, so it's probably the perfect amount of time
• 0:53
  for me to tell this one dumb story.
• 0:55
  Listen, I've got a heel spur, okay, and it didn't start bothering me till about four months ago.
• 1:01
  And every time I walk, my right foot feels like I'm stepping on a nail with
• 1:06
  every fucking step I take.
• 1:08
  And I take a lot of steps, you know, 30,000, 35,000 steps a day is not uncommon for me.
• 1:16
  And if you divide that by half, like 15,000 of those steps are extremely painful, right?
• 1:21
  And I go see a doctor. We have this beautiful clinic here in a nice little neighborhood.
• 1:25
  And I don't, I just have terrible fucking luck with people most of the time.
• 1:30
  I just am always looking for what they're going to fuck up.
• 1:34
  And this time I let my guard down, man.
• 1:36
  Went to go see this doctor. I walk in there. I'm like, listen, I'm in a lot of pain.
• 1:41
  Like I'm trying to out stubborn this, but I can't stand it anymore.
• 1:46
  And he's like, okay, well, let's see what you got going here.
• 1:48
  And then I had to take my sock off. And like, I don't fucking like feet, dude.
• 1:52
  I don't like my feet. I sure as fuck don't like your feet. And I hate men's feet.
• 1:56
  I think there should be a blanket rule where men always have to wear socks.
• 2:01
  And no one, no one has to see men's feet. Ever. Like, ever.
• 2:07
  Oh, every time. You know, I look down a lot, especially in elevators and in Mexico.
• 2:12
  Like, the audacity. I know that's what the kids are saying right now, the audacity.
• 2:16
  But seriously, I would love to have the confidence of these old white men.
• 2:23
  We're talking yellow toenails, thick as can be.
• 2:27
  They're not even trimmed. Their feet are covered in hair.
• 2:31
  And I just think someone... You have a wife, right?
• 2:35
  I bet you're still that generation where women will tolerate that kind of shit
• 2:38
  and not like put a pillow over your face when you're sleeping.
• 2:41
  But yeah, you know, yeah. Okay.
• 2:44
  Anyway, I don't like feet. And I also wanted to get the fuck out of there.
• 2:47
  And I waited 15 or 20 minutes.
• 2:50
  So I thought I'm going to be really quick here. So I was like,
• 2:52
  Oh, what's the matter? I'm like, my foot fucking hurts.
• 2:54
  I had an x-ray a couple years ago for an unrelated issue.
• 2:57
  And there's this heel spur and now now it like really hurts.
• 3:00
  And he's like, Okay, well, let me just see. Oh, yeah, I can see it.
• 3:03
  Yeah, you have a heel spur.
• 3:04
  And I'm just like, Okay, what the fuck? Did I not just say like,
• 3:08
  Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I do. Okay. Well, you know, you need some orthotics and take some Tylenol.
• 3:16
  Okay. And I, I wanted to leave. Like I wasn't going to, in hindsight,
• 3:20
  I should have been like, Hey, like, you know, this x-ray is like super fucking
• 3:23
  old. Like, what do you think? Should we re?
• 3:25
  No, I didn't. I just left. I just left. He was like, okay.
• 3:28
  And then he gives me a prescription for one singular orthotic,
• 3:32
  which is where this whole story is going to really wrap up real quick care.
• 3:36
  One fucking orthotic. Like, they come in pairs. I have two feet.
• 3:42
  Two of them. I have two feet. Anyway, this whole thing has come about,
• 3:46
  okay, so I have to email my insurance provider because, yes,
• 3:50
  Canada has free health care, but things like this, like, you need insurance.
• 3:54
  And I have great insurance through work, or so I thought.
• 3:56
  And, yeah, these orthotics, though, were a cash grab for some time.
• 4:02
  Chiropractors were giving them to everybody because it's like quick,
• 4:04
  easy money for them, right?
• 4:05
  Like you stand up, they give you a shoe box with like foam in it,
• 4:08
  you stand up, they send it away, they charge you like, I don't know,
• 4:11
  two, three hundred dollars, and off you go. And they've made a lot of money for really nothing.
• 4:15
  These insurance companies got wise to that and they're like, I don't think so.
• 4:20
  Chiropractors can't do this anymore. Physios, you neither. And it gets complicated, right?
• 4:24
  Because now I have to find a podiatrist and I'm like, okay, and then they're
• 4:27
  just charging hundreds and hundreds of dollars more than just a regular physio.
• 4:30
  This is the most boring story I've ever told.
• 4:32
  I'm going to get to it. I'm going to get to it. I promise you guys.
• 4:34
  I don't have a lot of time, but I will get to it.
• 4:36
  It's not clear. The language that the insurance company uses about who can make
• 4:43
  my orthotic for me is not clear.
• 4:45
  They're like, well, get an estimate, bring,
• 4:49
  have this, print out this paperwork and get a physiotherapist to work for 15
• 4:55
  minutes for free to fill out this form with an estimate, what,
• 4:59
  how they're going to cast it, all of this stupid shit.
• 5:01
  And I'm like, well, that, you know, that doesn't make sense.
• 5:04
  So I email and then they just regurgitate to me what was in the written description that I saw.
• 5:10
  And I got frustrated. I'm like, okay. I'm like, because one of my questions
• 5:13
  was like, I only got prescribed one.
• 5:16
  Is that enough? Can I get a pair? Do I have to go to another doctor?
• 5:19
  Oh, no, you don't have to. But they only answered the one question. And I had three.
• 5:23
  Okay. And the second one was, can I get this made at a physio clinic?
• 5:27
  Because the physio was $200 cheaper than the podiatrist.
• 5:30
  And the podiatrist also wanted to examine my foot and charge another $150.
• 5:35
  Do you see what I'm saying here? But my problem is, if I get the physio to do it, it's $350.
• 5:40
  But if they don't cover it because a physio has made it.
• 5:43
  Now I'm out $350, right? This is getting intense. I know you guys are on the
• 5:46
  edge of your fucking seat. Okay, send another email.
• 5:50
  This is the third email, okay? Right? So I get Olivia.
• 5:56
  I'm just, I'm just trying like, okay, I get Olivia and she regurgitates all
• 6:03
  the other stuff that the other two girls regurgitated that is available on the website.
• 6:07
  And the language isn't clear on who, oh, just take this paper.
• 6:12
  And as was mentioned to you previously, okay, what, what the fuck did you,
• 6:19
  what the fuck are you saying to me?
• 6:21
  Son of a bitch, what are you fucking going to say to me? listen i
• 6:25
  just that's like as per my last email
• 6:28
  like olivia how fucking dare you okay do you know do you know who i am do you
• 6:36
  know that i have a terrible podcast that almost no one listens to i am gonna
• 6:41
  give you a once-over that no one will hear i just.
• 6:47
  I'm blinking so hard right now because it took, like, this is growth,
• 6:51
  okay? You want to talk about growth? Here's some growth for you. I got five more minutes.
• 6:56
  I didn't drive to the Canada Life building and put a bella clava on and run
• 7:04
  through it screaming, Olivia!
• 7:06
  Olivia! I'm going to fucking kill you! I didn't do that because that's not who I am anymore.
• 7:12
  And I also didn't right back to Olivia with rage in my heart.
• 7:18
  I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I thought, you know what, Olivia?
• 7:21
  First of all, your name's Olivia, and that's punishment enough because your
• 7:24
  parents didn't love you, okay?
• 7:26
  Second of all, something really terrible is going to fucking happen to you.
• 7:31
  And I don't get the feeling that Olivia just has did this just once just to
• 7:35
  me, as was mentioned previously to you, okay?
• 7:40
  Like, that's not something she just did willy-nilly. Like, did she put that into AI?
• 7:44
  Like, how can I tell this dumb old bitch to fucking read what I sent?
• 7:49
  And I bet you AI kicked out as was previously mentioned to you.
• 7:53
  But we're good, guys, right? Good. It's okay. Let Olivia have this.
• 7:57
  You know what? I bet Olivia lives in a studio apartment.
• 8:01
  And I don't even know if she's in Winnipeg. She could be in Toronto for all I know.
• 8:04
  And I'm just, I'm just gonna wish death upon Olivia. Like, not really.
• 8:10
  But I mean, yeah, like I've thought about Olivia a few times since she,
• 8:15
  as was previously mentioned to you, me, mentioned me, you, us, her.
• 8:21
  Yeah, I think about it daily since she did that to me.
• 8:25
  And yeah, I don't have anything positive to say. Like, I am a bad person.
• 8:29
  I just I just want her to get hit by a bus. And I don't know what to do with
• 8:32
  those feelings. I don't know how to unpack that. Maybe you do.
• 8:35
  Do you have any suggestions?
• 8:36
  Listen, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you guys. This was like a boring story about nothing,
• 8:39
  but hey, it's something.
• 8:42
  Yeah, sometimes nothing is better than something. No, that's fair. That's fair.
• 8:46
  Okay, maybe you're all Olivia's then. Are you? No, no, you're not Olivia's.
• 8:51
  Yeah, okay. I don't know.
• 8:53
  Oh, sorry. Sorry, I got distracted there. I know you were probably like, oh, yes, it's over.
• 8:58
  No, no. I won the mailman lottery, like not the real lottery.
• 9:03
  But there's this thing that people do. Like, I think in every profession,
• 9:06
  there's like a dumb joke that people say to you.
• 9:09
  And I know I have been guilty of saying those dumb jokes and watching someone
• 9:12
  pretend to laugh, because I pretend to laugh all the time. Like,
• 9:17
  I could win an Oscar, okay?
• 9:18
  Like, for example, my kid had a birthday party at one of these dumb fucking
• 9:21
  trampoline places, and I was like, man, too bad you guys don't serve alcohol.
• 9:25
  And the way this woman laughed at me, she was maybe like, I don't know, 20.
• 9:30
  I looked at her and I'm like, people say that all the time to you, don't they?
• 9:34
  And she's like, she kind of like let her guard down and her shoulders slumped
• 9:38
  and she let out of breath.
• 9:39
  And she's like, yeah, all the time, like three times a day. And I was like, I'm sorry.
• 9:42
  She's like, no, it's okay. I mean, I know you're just joking.
• 9:45
  And I thought, I'm basic.
• 9:47
  Like, that's pretty fucking Olivia of me, I think. Except I was trying to leave
• 9:51
  her better than I found her. And Olivia was trying to take me down a peg. Okay.
• 9:56
  Which is fine. Okay. One last thing.
• 9:59
  I had a point. Olivia, I had a point. God damn it. Olivia's fucking jinxed me here. Hang on.
• 10:06
  Jesus H. Christ. I'm just fucking tired. Anyway, mailman lottery.
• 10:09
  Okay. I'm always laughing at people's dumb shit.
• 10:11
  And there was one day. Okay. One day I was, I've been waiting for this day for
• 10:15
  20 years, 20 plus years now, really, if you're going to get Olivia about it, 20 plus years.
• 10:20
  And this woman comes to her door to greet me and I'm coming up to her house
• 10:25
  and she goes, no bills only checks and then I went.
• 10:33
  And Oscar worthy right and then and then I looked down and I looked through her three letters,
• 10:39
  and I only had checks I didn't have anything else for this woman and I looked
• 10:45
  at her and I said this is the best day of my life and I have two kids and she
• 10:51
  laughed and I gave her the checks and I said there's only checks.
• 10:54
  I only have checks for you. No bills. And it was like this full circle moment.
• 11:00
  I can die now. Okay. Like this, this must have been how Olivia felt when she
• 11:04
  sat at her computer with her gel tips and she tippy tapped out as was mentioned to you previously.
• 11:11
  And I thought, fuck man, I get it. I fucking get it. Right.
• 11:14
  Just these beautiful full circle moments. That's what life's all about, you know?
• 11:19
  And one last thing, I broke my mom's snowblower, and then I fixed it,
• 11:23
  and then I tuned it up, but I'm not going to tell you about it,
• 11:25
  because you deserve happiness, unlike Olivia.
• 11:27
  Okay, I got to go pick up my kid from dance. Okay, I love you so much.
• 11:30
  I love you so, so, so much. All of you will accept Olivia. Okay,
• 11:33
  bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.