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I’m don’t identify as a competitive person · An ASMR Practice

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Okay, okay, okay. If anybody's following along, I sort of
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: freaking doubt it, but if anybody's following along, I'm feeling good.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling warmed up. I just spoke to God. I
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: just prayed for, like, a long time. I woke up,
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: and my brain was like, time to be productive!
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: Time to be productive!
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: And I was like, yes! Energy!
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: Yes!
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: And then, and then I.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: I was reading a text, a kind of concerning text
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: from a friend, and I was like, oh boy. I
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: was like, oh boy. It kind of just put me
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: on pause a little bit. I was like, okay, people
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: in the world are hurting and stressing. I was like, okay, okay.
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: So then I had to talk to God.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: I was like, God, I'm kind of making this about
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: myself a little bit.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: I was.
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: Like, I don't know.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: I was blaming myself.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: I was literally blaming myself because this is like my
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: first instinct every single time. It's like, you know, my
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: friend is going through something and I'm like, dang. Because
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: I sort of confessed something. I confessed something to my friend.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: And then my understanding is they were up all night
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: thinking about it. And I was like, frick, frick, frick.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: Gosh darn it. And now my posters are falling off
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: the wall. Like, this is just not even right.
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: Ugh.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: There's so much laundry to fold.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: Um.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: So, I felt bad.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: I was like, dang, they were up all night. And
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: especially because I sort of, like, I sort of, you know,
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: we talked, and then I felt better. I literally felt better.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: And I think it was important that I told them
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: this because it was like relevant to them. And this
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: person is not listening to my advice. This person is
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: definitely not listening to my advice at all.
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: And so as.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: I was getting my feelings and my assumptions out of
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: the way, I was seeing, I was like, You know, I.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: I.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: Have a pretty decent.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: Or, I have a sense of.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: I have a sense of an intuition. It's highly symbolic,
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: the freaking drawing that fell off the wall. And really
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: what it means is I need better sticky stuff. Anyways,
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: I don't want to put this person's drama on blast.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: And ultimately.
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: That's not.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: The relevant.
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: Topic anyways.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, I think I need to cook something.
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: I'm kind of like starving.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: Kind of starving. I bet there's no freaking eggs. Okay.
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: We got a few eggs.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: Perfect. Okay, so what I was thinking about is the
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: whole evolution thing. And, you know, I was complaining about...
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: The other day I was complaining about this video that
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: I shared with somebody. And I shared it with them
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: sort of hoping that they would be like, oh, this
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: is stupid. Like, that they would agree with me that
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: it was stupid. Right? It was about intrasexual competition, which
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: is like this sort of like evolutionary idea that like...
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I would say look it up if
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: you care. I would say I don't personally care. Something
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: about women competing with each other and like... And then
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: I think I found the video and I saw the
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: title and it was like women's competition tactics are... Are vile,
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: you know?
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: Something like that. It was, like, really, like, just making
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: women seem, like, really quite bad. And I just remember
• 4:36
  Speaker 3: watching the video.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: It's talking about this, like, intersexual competition.
• 4:38
  Speaker 3: With women, how women compete with each other.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: And I just remember thinking, I.
• 4:42
  Speaker 3: Don't relate to this.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: This is not... I don't think I'm competing. I'm really...
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: I don't consider myself a competitive person. And I shared
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: it with my friend because it bothered me.
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: And I was, like, hoping they'd be like, yeah, this
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: is stupid.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: But instead, they actually got quite hyped up about it,
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: and they were like, this explains everything! This explains everything
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: about my psyche! And I was like, whoa. Whoa. And
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: so I was speaking to God, I was praying, and
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: I think I just realized....
• 5:21
  Speaker 3: See, I had a little bit of a mental episode, and.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: I took a sharpie to some of the, like, pantry
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: staples in the cabinet. I don't know if I was
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: trying to make myself laugh or what, but I'm just
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: gonna have to turn that bottle around because it's looking
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: a little, it's looking a little spooky. Yeah, yeah, I,
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: I just, it's the same thing as when someone's, like,
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: not taking accountability for their actions in the sense of
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: they're like, I have this kind of attachment style, and
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: so I can't help this way I behave. I'm not
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: claiming any of that.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: Y'all are the.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: Ones telling me what kind of attachment style I have.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: I'm not claiming any of that. I think if I fit,
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: I sit, and if I'm not feeling good about the situation,
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: I'm running away. That's what it is. Call it what
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: you want.
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: I don't really care. And then there's people who are like.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: I'm depressed. I'm depressed and it's chemical in my brain.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: I take all these pills and they're not working and
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: I'm still depressed. And it's like, okay. Okay. Have you
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: tried something different? And I got in trouble. I got
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: in trouble for saying this in college. They're like, you're
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: insensitive and you're ableist. Okay. Okay. I am insensitive and
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: I don't.
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: Know what to tell you.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: Like, have you tried? And it's just like, I'm trying
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: to offer advice. I'm trying to, this is what works
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: for me. And yeah, it might not work for you.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: I understand.
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: I think, I think things work for me that don't
• 7:07
  Speaker 3: work for other people.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: And so I think this whole like intersexual competition and
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: or any kind of evolutionary biology, I think is very like,
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: it's a similar sort of thing. Where it's like people
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: use it. To justify. Shitty behavior. And.
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: Disclaimer.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: Disclaimer.
• 7:35
  Speaker 3: Disclaimer.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: I don't think I'm a great person. I think I'm
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: like a pretty okay person. I'm not really worried about
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: it anymore. I think I simply spent way too long
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: being worried about it.
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: And.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: At this point, I think I've seen that....
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: I've seen that, like.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: Well, I think there's examples on both sides. I was
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: going to say something that maybe isn't true. Got my
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: pistachios here. These are probably unethical. They're probably unethical stores.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: And I would like to apologize. We are on stolen land,
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: you guys. What are we going to do about it?
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: Does anybody know? I don't know.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: They're really good, though.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: They're really freaking good, though.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: Oh man. That side of the pan is not ready
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: for the egg. Oh boy.
• 9:32
  Speaker 3: All right, we're going outside.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: Gotta put the eggshells in my compost. I got the
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: phone on my shoulder, like a bird. Where did my
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: cat go? It'll be all right. I just don't really know.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: I don't know what they're talking about. The whole, like, competing.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: I don't think, it just, it doesn't really make sense
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: to me. I mean, I understand the concept of a
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: competitive eating disorder. I do understand that. I think in
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: my youth, this was something that I experienced Alright, someone's
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: been making moves in the compost pile. I was out
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: of town, so. And like right before I left, presumably
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: the neighbor had added to my compost pile. Just because
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: it didn't really make sense for my roommate to be
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: doing it. And then I was like, because I never
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: really communicated that there was a compost pile there. And,
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: you know, I try to stir it. I try to
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: keep it nice and good.
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: I try. I try to bury things.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: There's, like, hella leaves around, so I try to, like,
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: you know, you're supposed to, like, put the leaves. So,
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I thought it was kind of hidden.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: And then to find that it seemed like the neighborhood
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: contributed to it, I was like, huh. Are they watching me?
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: I mean, it's fine.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: I don't really care.
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: Fundamentally.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: I think they are watching me.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: I think I am the shady neighbor. I got in
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: some trouble with the landlords. I thought I was- I
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: genuinely thought I was in a dream. I genuinely, like,
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: was doubting reality, and I was extremely sleep-deprived.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: I was being quite silly.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: And the neighbors were not- I mean.
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: Technically it's the landlords.
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: It's the landlords who are not happy with me.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: But ultimately, like, the guy freaked out. And was, you know,
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: being protective of, like, his private property or whatever. And, like, sure, whatever, dude. Whatever, dude.
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: Um, and the lady.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: I feel like I'm not at liberty to say what I.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: Think about her.
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: I mean, I, I, and, like, and then, you know,
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: of course, they, they wake my, my partner up.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: Because they, they, they, I'm a little sleep deprived, and I'm,
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: I'm not exactly feeling remorseful as to.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: What I've done.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Because in my mind, I hadn't done anything bad, and I.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: Still don't think I've done anything bad.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: I think they were just being, like, kind.
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: Of extremely possessive.
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: Um, with peace and love, if you're listening, guys, I think,
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: I think what you're.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: Doing is, like, the normal, okay, I should have, like,
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: cleaned the pan for her to eat. Yikes. I was
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: just like, whatever, I cooked some yummy stuff last night,
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: I was like, I don't care if my eggs taste
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: like this.
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: I hope they're not listening. Surely not. I mean, my
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: understanding is.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: Like, people over the age of, like, 20 don't really
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: know how to use the internet.
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: I barely do, so.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: Um, yeah, he was kind of... And I still, honestly, like,
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: for a couple days after the whole interaction, I was
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: still kind of like, I'm not sure that that was real.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: I was extremely sleep-deprived.
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: Like, extremely. And.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: Um... You can... Yeah, you can come in, guy. Yeah,
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: come on. Come here. So, I got in trouble. I did, like,
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: a property violation. I... I still... just I'm having a
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: hard time believing what's going on like in our complex
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: like it just seems like sometimes there's like a lot
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: of vehicles here and but I'm not seeing people I'm
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: just seeing vehicles and so I thought I was being
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: pranked for the longest time just like on or and
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: then part of me was like am I hallucinating this
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: And I think, then I thought it was in a dream. And,
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: you know, I explained the whole thing to the landlords.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: And ultimately, the guy was like, you're crazy. You need
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: to see a doctor. And then I asked to speak
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: to the woman. I was like, can we go privately
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: over there? Because he's talking way too loud and it's
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: hurting my head. And, like, he's not hearing me. He's
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: committed to not hearing me right now. And so we
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: spoke privately.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: And.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: And I just remember, like, they woke my partner up.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: Because they were, like, not wanting to speak to me.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: They were wanting to speak to him. You know, he
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: was the one who, like, nitpicked through the lease. Right?
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: I was like, whatever. I just want to live here.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: I don't care about reading this contract, to be honest. And,
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: you know, he's, like, negotiating the contract and stuff. And ultimately, whatever.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: The whole thing, whatever. And, yeah, you probably should read
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: the lease. I mean, the lease was, like, full of, like, typos.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: The lease was, like, I was not taking it seriously.
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: And it's, like, month to month. Like, what?
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: Why would I take this seriously?
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe I should. Maybe I should. How
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: many terms and conditions have I signed that I didn't
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: even read them? Has anybody seen the cat in the hat?
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: This is not right. This is not right. These contracts
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: they're writing up. Alright, I wish I would have made...
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: Do I have couscous?
• 16:42
  Speaker 4: Oh boy.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: Um, I think I do. I just don't know where
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: right now. Okay, we're just going to eat edge. Whatever.
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: Literally whatever. I forgot. So they wanted to speak to
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: my partner. And I, he was sleeping and he gets
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: pretty like cranky with me when I wake him up
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: from his sleep. So I was honest.
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: I was like, I wouldn't wake him up right now.
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: He has asked me not to wake him up. I'm
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: respecting a boundary. So they woke him up. And then
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: obviously he's like not feeling good about this whole situation.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: And I said to him, I was like, I know
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: it seems bad right now, but I have faith. I
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: have faith. Like these are people of faith. And, yeah, they're, like,
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: they're putting on a show right now to, like, try
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: to convey to me that, oh, the law really is, like,
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: extremely important.
• 17:53
  Speaker 3: And I think the law is, like, pretty important.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'll confess. I'll confess. The law's pretty important.
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: Everybody back up.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: Everybody back up. Okay. I think I... I don't know.
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: I don't understand the intimidation thing. I don't... Like, if someone's...
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: I just think of when I was a kid and, like,
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: the most effective parenting slash authority-ing for me as a kid...
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: If I did something wrong... I think if you want
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: me to feel, like, remorse, like, the most effective way
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: is to be, like, why, like, is to be kind
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: of calm and to be, like, why did you do this? Like,
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: I can't wrap my head around why you did this.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: And because nine times out of ten, I also don't
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: know why I did it.
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: Straight up. I also don't know why I did it.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: I wasn't really thinking about it. I just kind of
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: did it. And it was the same thing in this, like,
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: don't get me wrong I like sort of I thought
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: I was in like a video game or like a
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: dream and that sounds insane and also that's kind of
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: just my truth like I was feeling extremely like essentially
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: like laws don't matter like I felt like I was
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: in a lucid dream and like there were no laws
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: and like I walked around in the forest. This is why.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: I walked around in the forest near my house. for
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: like hours and I was probably on private property and
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: so I think in the very beginning I was like
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: I could get shot you know and I was like
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: a little timid and then the longer it went on
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: And I just, I wasn't seeing anybody. I encountered a
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: dog at a distance that barked at me. And I
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: encountered a cat that kind of approached me. And then
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: stood a little bit at a distance from me. And
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: I think I saw some like water birds at this
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: like little body of water. But I didn't see any people.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: And so the longer it went on, and I'm seeing
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: houses everywhere. And I'm low-key being a little bit nosy,
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: and I'm looking in the windows of the houses like,
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: is anybody home?
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: I'm looking at the cars.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: It just felt like a post-apocalyptic world. It really did.
• 20:51
  Speaker 3: It was like, nobody's out here. Nobody's in the streets.
• 20:55
  Speaker 3: Everybody's busy.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: Everybody's off. We all have homes that we're air conditioning, and.
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: We're all just not even there.
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: And the longer I was out there, the longer I'm
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: seeing all these houses that are seemingly unoccupied. And just
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: walking through the forest. And it's like, I could get shot.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: I could absolutely get shot. That's completely legal. And I
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: was aware of these risks. And fundamentally, I was like.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: Not that worried about it I mean in the beginning
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: I was a little more worried about it and then
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: the further I went and the longer I went I
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: was like there nobody's here I was like I'm there
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: was this book I read there was this book series
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: I read in the fifth grade called gone and it's
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: like an imaginary situation where all of the adults disappear
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: from the world I read I'm pretty sure I read
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: the whole series I was obsessed At fifth grade, I
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: would go and I would sit, I would go to like,
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: maybe not the farthest end of the field, but I
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: would go enough away that I wasn't hearing the kids.
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: You know, I would get some peace and quiet in
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: the field and I would read this freaking series.
• 22:23
  Speaker 3: And it was very meaningful to me.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: It's like all the adults disappeared. It's like now the
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: kids just got to figure it out. It's sort of
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: like Fahrenheit 451. I think. Is that the one where
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: the boys are just like being, you know, freaking militants
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: to each other?
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: The boys get on the island?
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: I think that's the one.
• 22:46
  Speaker 3: Wait.
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: It might not be. I don't know.
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: I think Fahrenheit 451 might be the one where they're
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: burning all the books. Or something. What's the one where
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: the young boys have to figure out leadership amongst themselves
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: on the island?
• 23:14
  Speaker 3: What's that one called?
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: It's funny that the English teacher who taught me this
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: keeps showing up on my Instagram recommended. I don't think
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: she liked me all that much, though. I mean... I
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: was sort of angsty in that era, and... I probably
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: talked down to her. So apologies if you're listening. You're
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: definitely not. You're probably pretty busy. But this book series,
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: the Gone book series. This I liked. Because they had
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: men and women. And kind of the main girl ends
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: up in charge. So it's sort of like matriarchy kind
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: of vibes.
• 24:07
  Speaker 3: A little bit.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: But ultimately she still has to deal with all these
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: guys who are trying to be in charge. And then
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: eventually they realize that... I want to say they realize
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: that the adults and their parents are still there.
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: They're just kind of locked out.
• 24:30
  Speaker 4: You know?
• 24:31
  Speaker 3: And I think.
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: Eventually they figure out a way to kind of communicate
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: with them. And I think ultimately, like, the main girl,
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: she's like, yeah, we, like, need our parents or something.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: And I think she's, like, kind of spearheading, like, the communication.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: I could be making all this up.
• 24:47
  Speaker 3: I'm not really sure. It was a long time when
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: I read this. Long time ago.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: I was obsessed with it, though. I think part of
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: me was, like, the adults... I recognize at a very
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: young age, I was like, the adults do not have
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: this figured out. They are flying by the seat of
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: their gosh darn pants.
• 25:12
  Speaker 3: They're doing their best.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: And so this is what I keep coming back to
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: when I'm like doing like a forgiveness practice. I'm like,
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I think they're doing their best. I think
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: they're probably doing slightly better than their parents. We gotta
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: speed this up, you guys. I don't know if that's
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: problematic to say. I mean, we don't gotta. I think
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: that's the other side of it, is like, okay, so... Okay,
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: so climate change happens, the world ends. I think it's
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: gonna balance itself back out.
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: I don't think humans are all that important in the
• 25:51
  Speaker 3: grander scheme.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: I hate to say it, I hate to say it, guys.
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: I think we'll probably come back. Okay, so evolution. How
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: did I talk about my landlord for all that time?
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: And ultimately, at first, they were like, you have to
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: move out. They were really mad. They were kicking me out.
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: And then, you know, my partner's, like, freaking out. Like, oh,
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: my God, we're getting kicked out. And I was like, no,
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: I have faith. I was like, they're just, like, feeling
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: a little intensely right now. And it's going to pass. Like,
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: because we've been good. We've been good. I did one
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: tiny mistake. And he's just, I mean, they're just kind
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: of freaking out. The emotion I was seeing, it was
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: obvious that it wasn't, like, proportional to what I did. Truly.
• 27:08
  Speaker 3: It really, really wasn't.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: And so I understood, like, this is not about me.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: And I think, I think the guy, like, I think,
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: I think the guy really didn't like how level-headed I
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: was being. Like, he didn't like that I wasn't intimidated
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: by him. It's what it seemed like to me. And
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: so he was getting, like, more intimidating. And I wasn't
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: intimidated by him at all. I was like, strangle me, dude.
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: Strangle me. What? I've been.
• 27:49
  Speaker 3: I've seen.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: It all, dude. Like, you're gonna have a hard time
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: living with yourself.
• 27:55
  Speaker 3: Anything you do to me. It ain't got nothing to
• 27:57
  Speaker 3: do with me. So, evolution. I'm at the.
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: Point, and I don't, I've been in, I've performed being
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: a science denier in the past. Mostly because I think
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: it's funny to, like, irritate people a little bit. I
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: think I like to watch people scramble to defend something
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: that they honestly don't know anything about.
• 28:41
  Speaker 3: I think I like to expose people's, like.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: Because I know enough. I know enough about science that...
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: I can make people really question. I can really make
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: people question what they know. I don't know that much.
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: I don't know a lot about chemistry. I don't know
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: too too much about physics. But I know enough buzzwords.
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: To make people question what they know. And you see
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: where I'm from? Where I'm from. In like biology class.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: They had to do like a. A disclaimer at the
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: beginning of AP Biology. They had to do a disclaimer of, like,
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: we are going to teach evolution, and we understand that
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: certain faiths do not, like, operate from the underworld. of
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: evolution and you know they have to do like this
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: almost to like avoid being sued by like fundamentalist christians
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: i assume maybe other faiths also don't acknowledge evolution i'm
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: not really sure And I'm somewhere in the middle.
• 30:06
  Speaker 3: I am somewhere in the middle of all this.
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: Because I think, when I think about the video, and
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: I think about my old friend that got really excited
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: about this video. It's explaining, essentially, evil female manipulation tactics.
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: Explained through evolutionary competition thinking.
• 30:31
  Speaker 3: And I hated it.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: I was like, this is just disgusting. And I don't
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: relate to any of this. Like, what? What? We're competing?
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: I didn't realize we were competing, guys.
• 30:43
  Speaker 3: I thought we were on the same dang team. Like, what?
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: I thought we were on the same freaking team.
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: And then to see my friend, who at the time
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: I thought we had a lot in common. get like
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: really excited. And then she's telling me all this stuff
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: about it. It's like, she's like explaining her childhood through
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: this stuff. And I'm like, oh, yikes. I have opened
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: a can of worms that I don't want to be opened.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: This is not looking good. This is not looking good
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: for our friendship. And some people would say, oh, just, just,
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: it's okay to be friends with people that are different.
• 31:30
  Speaker 3: You just gotta work it out.
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: No.
• 31:33
  Speaker 3: No, no, no, no, no.
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: I don't gotta do nothing.
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: Okay? I don't gotta do nothing.
• 31:41
  Speaker 4: You know, I.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: She's a very easy person to, like, have a parasocial
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: relationship with.
• 31:46
  Speaker 3: Similar to probably me.
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: And, um.
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: Sometimes, sometimes I'll check. I just look at the titles.
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: I just look at the titles and I'm like, immediately no.
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: Immediately no. I'm not engaging with this. This is the
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: absolute worst. This is the absolute butthole of what my
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: college's ideology was. And I'm not a part of this.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: I wrote, I wonder if I could find it. I
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: wrote in a journal. I wrote in a journal something
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: so funny. I was being just like a hater.
• 32:24
  Speaker 3: I was being a certified hater.
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: I mean, I could probably quote it off the top
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: of my head, but I'm kind of just curious if
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: I can happen to find it. Okay, this is too late. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: I'm seeing names that I do not like to see. Oh, boy. Okay. Basically,
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: I wrote... This is, like, the first month or two
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: at my college. And I wrote... I wrote... I was like,
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: one day... I was like, I'm really thinking that one
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: day I'm gonna write a book about how my extremely....
• 33:17
  Speaker 3: How my extremely.
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: Liberal college turned me into a conservative. Because you have
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: to understand. I was the most liberal person in my area.
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: You don't understand. My dad was like. Paranoia agenting me
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: so hard. He was like you're going to be on
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: a list. Because I thought. I didn't know anything about
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: Karl Marx at all.
• 33:42
  Speaker 4: And it.
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: When I talked about Karl Marx to my dad, if
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: I even mentioned him, he would really freak out. And
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: I kind of thought it was a little funny that
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: he was freaking out. And I didn't know anything about it.
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: And he wasn't even testing my knowledge. He was just like,
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: don't say Karl Marx.
• 34:00
  Speaker 3: Don't say it.
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: You're going to get put on a list. And I
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: was like, bro, what? Literally, what? and if I'm on
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: a list, I'm pretty sure I'm on a list of
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: protected people, okay, like, because I, come on, like, I'm
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: trying here, I'm trying to get in trouble, and they
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: won't let me, they won't let me, um, I'm like,
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: at this point, jail kind of sounds good, I'm not
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: even gonna lie, like, they want me to apply to,
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: they want me to apply for jobs, they want me
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: to apply for jobs, bro, Oh, it's like the last
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: thing I want to freaking do. I'd rather be at
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: the jail at the gym, like hanging with the girlies.
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: I'll eat some freaking slop. I don't care. They don't
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: want me in jail.
• 34:54
  Speaker 3: They won't let me go to jail.
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: I keep trying. How many laws do I have to break?
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: And it's like, that's the thing. This is a conversation.
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: I don't remember who I was having it with, but
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: They're talking about, like, the difference between boys who go
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: to jail and girls who go to jail. Or men
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: and women. And it's like, men, it would seem, get
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: in trouble for pettier crimes. Sorry, guys. Sorry, guys.
• 35:26
  Speaker 2: Men get in trouble for pettier crimes.
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: Like, smaller offenses. And they go to jail!
• 35:34
  Speaker 3: They go to jail for that stuff!
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: And it's like... Because somebody, I was making this argument
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: to someone and they were like, you don't want to
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: go to female jail. Those are like, these women, they
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: like murdered people and stuff. You know, and Marilyn Manson
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: actually has a really great quote. Y'all aren't going to
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: like this. I'm going to be honest. Y'all aren't going
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: to like this. It really resonated with me though. Marilyn
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: Manson said, an interviewer asked Marilyn Manson. They said, And
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: what would you say to the shooters of Columbine? And
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: Marilyn Manson said, I wouldn't say anything.
• 36:13
  Speaker 4: I would ask, I would ask them, like, how? Like,
• 36:21
  Speaker 4: because clearly nobody did. Nobody checked in with them.
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: This is why they shot up the school. And I
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: thought that was very beautiful. I thought that was, like,
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: the best thing he could, because, you know, you see, like,
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: The AFAB celebrities, you know, they get asked, like, very
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: shallow questions about, like, their body or their appearance or something.
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: And they, you know... And I'm not against this. I'm
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: definitely not against this. But it's just a pattern that
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: I'm noticing. It's like, you know, they're like, why would
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: you ask me that? You know, they're, like, they're getting, like,
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: testy about it. And they're, like, trying to shame the
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: interviewer out of asking questions like this.
• 37:02
  Speaker 4: And....
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: I really appreciated how Marilyn Manson didn't do that. He
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: wasn't getting testy with the interviewer. And, like, that was
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: a kind of objectively insane question to ask. Like, what,
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: you're blaming the school shooter on Marilyn Manson?
• 37:20
  Speaker 3: What the heck? If anything, Marilyn Manson has.
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: Done a lot more to soothe my rage than to...
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: It's an outlet. It's an outlet for releasing it. I
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: was like driving home. I'm like singing this stuff. I'm
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: singing it and I'm smiling. I'm feeling good.
• 37:39
  Speaker 4: Like.
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: And how did I get here? And how did I
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: get here? What was I talking about? Got my family
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: portrait here.
• 37:53
  Speaker 3: From Hawaii.
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: We're so cute. My sister looks extremely displeased in soda.
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: Me and my mom, we're like camera ready as always.
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: My brother, I think he doesn't know how to smile,
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: but he's trying. My dad, I think also doesn't know
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: how to smile, but he's trying. I think my brother
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: and my dad were like maybe insecure about their teeth
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: or something.
• 38:25
  Speaker 3: They didn't like to show their teeth.
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: Or maybe they just thought it was weird. I don't know.
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: Me and my mom are showing teeth in a big way. Oh, jail.
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: Women jails. So someone was trying to talk me out
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: of this. But the women that are in jail, they've
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: committed serious crimes. And I didn't say this because I
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: thought it might reflect excessively poorly on me. But I
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: thought to myself when they said that, I was like,
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: and why do you think they did that? What? Why
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: do you think they did that? Why are they committing
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: these heinous crimes? Do you think maybe they committed a
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: bunch of petty crimes and got away with it? Because like,
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: you know, I don't know. I get away with stuff.
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: And sometimes I'm not sure why. And I'm grateful for it,
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: I think. I think. I'm grateful for it but I'm
• 39:50
  Speaker 1: not because I think it contributes to like the men
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: in my life who haven't gotten that kind of break
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: I think it makes them quite like angry or something
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: maybe not angry but it makes them feel something like
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: that like and I think it makes them kind of
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: hate women you know this whole idea of like women
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: have life on easy mode And I don't know where
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: I stand on that. I think I had a harsh
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: stance before, and now I'm thinking.
• 40:30
  Speaker 3: I'm.
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: Probably somewhere more in the middle. I see... I see what...
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: I kind of see what they mean. Women have life
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: on easy mode. But I also don't in.
• 40:45
  Speaker 3: A big way.
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: Because, like, men are... pretty controlling when it comes to
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: like having a relationship with a woman like i feel
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: like it's usually kind of like an ultimatum it's like
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: have sex with me and only me and like be
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: emotionally intertwined with me and only me or i don't
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: want to know you as a person um and like
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: you are completely disposable to me and i would rather
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: just hang out with my boys I would rather just
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: be immoral with my boys and like kind of just
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: encourage each other to be worse and worse and worse
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: every single day. It's kind of what it seems like.
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: And this is not all men. This is obviously not
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: all men. I think some men are like doing the
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: Lord's work and I think they're trying to like encourage
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: each other to be better. Maybe. I don't know though.
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: I am very fascinated with. The whole. Differences. I mean
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: I don't know how to put it. But like the.
• 42:06
  Speaker 3: Differences.
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: Between men and women. And obviously. Obviously like the whole
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: queer community. I think. I think I'm not. In a
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: position to speak on it. If I'm honest. I've known...
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: I've known genderqueer people. And I would probably say I'm
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: somewhat genderqueer. But I think... That feels like a distraction
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: to me. Like I think the vast majority of people
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: in my area are not that. And... Even the ones
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: that are still... Like, they're not, like, non-binary. You know,
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: the binary is still here with us. The binary is
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: in the room with us. And that's just where I'm from. So, like,
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: I've always kind of felt a little hesitant of the
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: non-binary thing. Like, oh, we're just throwing out the binary? Okay,
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: that seems unpractical, if I'm honest.
• 43:16
  Speaker 3: You do you.
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: I don't know how I'm going to be able to
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: speak to anybody I know if I do that. Um, so,
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: you know, fluid, fluid, fluid on the binary. It's a spectrum, okay? Yeah,
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: I'm not tossing out the binary quite yet. I'm pretty
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: fascinated by it. It's just, it's very different. It's very
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: different for me. I, it feels very different within my
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: body to interact with an ABAP person, assigned male at birth,
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: or an assigned female at birth person. And, like, yeah,
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: the experience is just extremely different. And there's nothing I can,
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: I mean, there's probably, maybe there's something I could do
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: about it. I don't know. Anyways. These are my thoughts.
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: I don't know if I ever even got out my
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: poiled evolution. Ultimately I think I'm somewhere in the middle.
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: I know this is like not super exciting to say. But.
• 44:42
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 44:56
  Speaker 3: I mean, if I learned anything.
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: From, like, Darwin class... And school... It's like... Essentially, the
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: biggest thing I learned is that people really... Mainly, they
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: just misunderstand everything Darwin was saying. And they assign a
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: bunch of stuff that isn't even, like, valid to it. Like,
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: they take one thing, and they run with it. And
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: they just run, and then they've created an imaginary space.
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: Of describing things. And explaining things. That like is not
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: rooted in anything.
• 45:31
  Speaker 2: Like.
• 45:33
  Speaker 3: Observable. They took a word.
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: And they ran with it. And that's what they be doing.
• 45:46
  Speaker 3: So.
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: Whatever. Whatever. Let them. Let them. Bye.