Latest / New Teacher Talk / Ep 218: Staying Calm and Staying Firm

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Ep 218: Staying Calm and Staying Firm · New Teacher Talk

Welcome to New Teacher Talk.
It's just the two of us today, Anna and Beth,
and we wanted to talk about a moment every new teacher hit.
So here it goes.
A student pushes,
the room goes quiet and everyone waits to see what you are
going to do.
It's a test and how you respond sets the tone for a lot of
what comes next.
So today we're being honest about staying calm when you
want to react and staying firm when it would be so much
easier just to let it slide.
We'll share what works for us, what hasn't,
and what we wish someone had told us in our first year of
teaching.
No guest this time, just the two of us and you.
Okay, let's talk about it.
Here's the thing I wish someone had said to me in year one,
when a student tests you,
it almost never means what it feels like in the moment.
It feels personal.
That usually is not what the student is really asking.
What kind of a person are you?
Are you safe?
Are you steady?
And do you mean what you say?
Right,
and that question looks completely different depending on
who is sitting in front of you.
For example,
a 4-year-old testing you and a 16-year-old testing you are
not the same event,
even though your stomach does the same flip both times.
So let's actually walk the grades because a brand new pre-k
teacher and a brand new high school teacher are both
listening right now and they need different things from us.
I agree.
So let's start at the very beginning.
Pre-K and kindergarten.
Picture it.
You ask a student to come to the carpet and they look you
dead in the eye,
cross their arms and announce you're not the boss of me.
And every other four-year-old stops to watch.
It's like it's a Disney movie.
And your instinct is to win that.
At that age,
the test is about safety and about big feelings they can't
name yet.
So you get low, you get calm,
and you offer a small choice instead of a command.
You can walk to the carpet on your feet,
or you can hop through like a bunny.
You pick.
You've kept the expectation and you've handed them a little
bit of control.
And you have not turned it into a showdown in front of the
room,
which is the part that really matters right little ones are
not plotting against you,
they are flooded your calm is literally teaching their
nervous system what calm looks like.
Mm hmm.
And now let's move up to first and second grade.
Now the test gets wordier.
This is the blurting that that's not fair.
The negotiating over every single direction you give
Agree.
My favorite is the child who has suddenly become a tiny
courtroom lawyer about why the rule should not apply today.
And you can feel yourself getting pulled right into that
debate, right?
Right, but go against your nature.
Do not debate.
This is where you learn the beauty of the short, warm,
broken record.
You state the expectation, you thank them,
and you move on.
We're lining up quietly.
Thank you.
They push again.
You repeat the same exact words and the same exact calm
tone.
We're lining up quietly.
Thank you, and you keep walking.
You're not being cold.
You're just not available for the argument.
Great example.
Third through fifth grade is where it starts to sting a
little bit more because now they can be sharp.
The eye rolls start showing up.
They say things like, this is so boring.
Just said loud enough for everybody to hear or the comment
under the breath that they are hoping you heard.
And this is the age where you start naming it privately
instead of publicly.
You do not take the bait in front of the class.
You give a quiet look, you keep teaching,
and you catch that student at the door or at their desk a
few minutes later.
Hey, that comment earlier landed rough.
What's going on with you today?
You would be amazed how often the answer has nothing to do
with you.
Mm hmm.
That is the move that saves you literally years of grief.
Address it privately,
protect their dignity and you keep the relationship
intact.
If you correct a 10 year old in front of their friends,
you have just bought yourself a much harder week.
Mm-hmm.
So okay, middle school.
Say something here to the middle school teachers, Beth,
because this is approaching your happy place.
love teaching middle school students.
And here is the truth about working with students at that
age level.
The test is almost always for an audience.
A sixth, seventh, or eighth grader who says,
you can't make me is very often performing for the 20 other
kids in the room.
Their social survival feels like it's on the line.
Which means the worst thing you can do is add them a public
stage to lose on.
If you go head to head in front of everyone,
one of you has to lose face and those students will pick
you every time.
So you lower the temperature and you lower your voice.
You step toward them, you keep it quiet,
and you give them an off-ramp.
You know what?
We can absolutely talk about this.
Give me two minutes and let's step into the hall.
You have taken the audience away and you have signaled you
are not the enemy by doing that.
You defer the power struggle.
You do not have to resolve it that very second.
I hear you.
Let's park it.
See me right after class.
Half of winning at that age is simply refusing to fight on
their schedule.
Right,
and then you actually follow up because middle schoolers,
they are tracking whether you meant it or not.
So consistency is the whole game.
Calm without follow through just reads as a pushover to a
13 year old.
And 13-year-olds are looking for authenticity around them
in everything.
So now, high school,
this one surprises new teachers because the test usually
gets quieter.
It's not the loud defiance anymore that you met in middle
school.
It's the head on the desk, the phone that will not go away,
the flat, why do we have to even do this?
The student who will just not pick up the pencil.
And the trap here is reading that as disrespect and meeting
it with force with older students force almost always
backfires.
They will match your escalation and raise it Or they shut
down completely.
And now you have lost them for the whole unit for that day
for that week.
It's not good.
Sometimes forever.
Mm-hmm.
So you treat them like the young adults they're becoming.
You get curious, not controlling.
You catch them one on one.
I noticed you checked out today.
That's not like you, talk to me.
You lead with respect and you'd be shocked how much of the
wall comes down.
And with the phone or the refusal, just make it a calm,
private,
take it or leave it choice with a clear consequence,
and then you let them own it.
You could say something like, I need the phone put away,
or we follow the class policy, your call.
No lecture, no audience, no big emotion.
You've handed them the decision and the responsibility that
comes with it.
Exactly.
So, across all of it, Pre-K to senior year.
Do you hear the through line, Beth?
Mm hmm.
I do.
Regulate yourself first.
You cannot hand out calm you do not have.
So the breath, the pause,
the half step back before you say a single word.
That is not a weakness.
That's the whole skill.
Take the audience out of it,
because almost nothing good happens in a public power
struggle at any age.
Quiet, close, and private is what wins.
Mm hmm.
Give them a way to save face and all friends is not letting
them off the hook.
It is letting them comply without being humiliated.
And that is the only kind of compliance that actually
lasts.
And, be boringly consistent.
Calm is only powerful when it's predictable.
If you are warm and firm on Monday and blow up on Friday,
your students can't trust either version of you.
And one more,
because we promised you honesty in this episode,
you are going to lose your cool sometimes.
We all have done it.
You will.
And when you do it, you repair.
You can walk back to a student and say,
I raised my voice earlier, and I'm sorry, let's reset.
That does not cost you authority.
It builds it.
It really does.
The goal was never to be a teacher who never gets tested.
That would be too easy.
Every good teacher gets tested.
The goal is to be the steady thing in the room when it
happens.
Stay calm, stay firm, and stay human.
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And, we'll see you next time on New Teacher Talk.