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Why Do We Need to Be in Control? Fear, Safety & Letting Go · The Inspired Speaker Network

• 0:00
  You are listening to The Awakening Woman on the Rise. If you are a woman who is seeking to live
• 0:07
  a more authentic life but are feeling not enough to step out fully just yet, you are in the right
• 0:14
  place. If you are a woman who is looking to live your personal truth and make the impact you truly
• 0:21
  desire, you are in the right place. I'm your host, Wendy Yitbossi. Let's step out in this together.
• 0:30
  So welcome to session two and I have a wonderful surprise for you and that is that I am joined by
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  a very good friend and colleague, Danielle Benzon, and we are discussing day-to-day topics
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  that not only come up for us but I bet they come up for you too. So I invite you to listen to each
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  episode, see what sparks for you, and take it from there. Welcome everybody to Wisdom Wednesdays
• 1:00
  with Wendy and Danielle and today we are going to talk about control. I'm really excited about this.
• 1:05
  We're going to control the situation. Wendy, thank you for being here today with me as always.
• 1:12
  Yes, thank you so much, Danielle. I always look forward to it. We play so well together.
• 1:18
  We do. It's almost like that's all we're doing,
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  which is the opposite of control, I feel like. Control's great.
• 1:25
  Play and control are kind of, well, I don't know. Are those opposites? What do you think?
• 1:31
  Play and control, yes, I do think they're opposites.
• 1:35
  Yeah, because it has to be an element of like chaos and surprise with play.
• 1:42
  Yes, exactly. And that's the thing, is to know am I really in play or am I controlling play?
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  That reminds me of one time, one time, one time, that reminds me of a friend of mine I had who
• 2:00
  he was in control of the schedule at the theater and he would schedule fun time and we just all
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  thought that was just hilarious. Like, there's a scheduled fun time where I have fun right now.
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  We all thought that was really funny. Part of the schedule is like,
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  I will control this play. We will play now and we will work later.
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  And actually, that might be another topic, is play. Not today, because we're controlling today.
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  But it is important to make time for play, which can feel like control, but it's not.
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  It's just prioritizing. But that's not what we're talking about today.
• 2:37
  No, no, it's not.
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  We're going to control the topic.
• 2:41
  It is so attractive. It's play is so attractive because it's allowing, which control is not allowing.
• 2:50
  So when I think of control, I think of like rigid boundaries. I think of a limit.
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  I think of limits when I think of control. I think of this is what we're not doing.
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  It's a very kind of rigid, kind of limited structure.
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  And where does control show up? Because obviously control is a big thing.
• 3:15
  In what context would you like to discuss control?
• 3:19
  Well, I'd like to discuss it in various ways, because I agree with you absolutely, Danielle.
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  And one of the things that comes up for me about controlling is actually fear,
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  which leads to the limiting, which leads to, because I mean, think about it.
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  If and when you discount yourself, or if and when I discount myself, I do it because I want to
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  control possible loss. I want to control possible embarrassment. I want to control
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  some kind of possible negativity that's running. Because why else would I control?
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  So you're talking about controlling your environment and other people,
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  which is actually impossible. It's an illusion.
• 4:21
  Because this idea that we can control the outcome of something, or that we can control how someone
• 4:27
  else feels or what someone else thinks about us is garbage. This is not true. We can pretend.
• 4:36
  We pretend. And we pretend very well that we're in control of what other people think of us.
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  If I present myself a certain way, they will think this thing.
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  You honestly, we actually have so little control over other people, over our environments,
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  a little bit more over our environments, depending on how technically you want to get,
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  we can build buildings and things. But we don't have any control over the weather,
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  we don't have any control over whether or not someone else is late. We don't have any,
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  none of it is under our control. And I think this is where superstitions and things come from.
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  And why we get kind of committed to negative thoughts sometimes, because it becomes like
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  a superstition. Well, if I nag this person, then they will do this thing. Or if I think of it this
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  way, if I worry about all of the outcomes, then I can control the outcome more. It's like I'm
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  putting effort in and my effort equals something. But when it's that kind of effort, that's just,
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  it's a lie. It's just a lie. Well, it is. And I think that it's our own
• 5:48
  rationalization that we, whatever I can feel comfortable with, right? And when I feel
• 5:55
  comfortable, I feel safe. And when I feel safe, then I feel in control. And you know, you're,
• 6:04
  yeah, you're absolutely right. So when you feel safe, you feel in control,
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  not when you feel in control, you feel safe. Because I thought I would have flipped those.
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  I would have said like, I control things in order to feel safe. Because I don't feel safe in the
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  chaos of the universe, in the uncertainty of life. And I used to be the type of person who scheduled
• 6:26
  my life a whole year in advance, and I tried to control everything. And then COVID came.
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  And I, and I learned, and it was wonderful for me, because I have anxiety. So I do,
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  I try to control everything in order to lower my anxiety. And something happened,
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  I just kind of surrendered to the chaos of the universe. And I went, you know what,
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  I'm going to live a week at a time. And then now I live like three months at a time. But I don't
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  live more than three months at a time now. And I love it. But I would 10 years ago, if you told
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  me that I would have been not a chance in hell, I need to control everything. But now I'm that
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  surrender, like I can control my emotions. Well, I don't control my emotions. I'm in relationship
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  with my emotions. I can control my actions. And that's enough. And I quite like that.
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  Like bringing it down to the absolutely personal. Yeah, exactly. I think that that is a good point
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  that the only thing we can control is how, how we respond or react or, or whatever it is,
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  you know, you mentioned about control and safety and safety and control.
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  I don't think they're separate. Ah, I think that, however, we function,
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  I know that for me, safety has been a really important motivator in my life. I was just
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  reading something this morning in A Course in Miracles about how, when there's something that
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  we really want, and actually a part of us feels quite vulnerable about it, we will
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  um, diminish it by not calling it what it is, like how I really feel what I really want,
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  because that feels unsafe. That feels because when I feel unsafe, I don't feel in control,
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  I feel vulnerable. And that is why I will try to control by maybe saying, Oh, it's not really that
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  important if it happens, okay, if it doesn't, okay, which is a great, you know, kind of thing,
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  you know, to help us maybe move through something. But the truth is, you know what,
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  this freaking really matters to me, I don't have to give all my power away to it. But what if I
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  can just acknowledge that it's important to be and not have to control it in such a way is that if
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  the worst happens, I'm done. You know, it's, yeah, maybe there's a different
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  resilience that can be developed through not controlling, but through just calling it what
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  it is being honest about it. And so, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like radical acceptance. Yeah. So from what
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  I'm hearing, it's interesting, because I have very different relationship with these words than you.
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  And so what I'm hearing from you is that you use control to stop yourself from being hurt,
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  to keep yourself and that so I don't use the word safe in that I feel very safe. And if I'm I can be
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  safe and in pain. You know, like, I know, it's weird, right? I have a different relationship
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  with the word safety. For me. So it's so interesting. You know, a lot of the times,
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  I think a lot of us conflate that safety with not being hurt. Safety with not being vulnerable safety
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  with with being with feeling okay. And that's so interesting, because, for me, my feelings and my
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  safety are different. They're separate. I often don't feel okay. When I am safe. And I often
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  Yeah, I often don't feel okay when I am physically safe. But also I can be the other way. You know,
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  I can feel okay when I'm not safe. I don't know. Like, it's a very weird for me,
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  my emotions are completely different thing. So I just find that so interesting.
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  That we spend so much energy. And I think this is true of our society.
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  We spend so much energy just avoiding pain. Like I will do anything to avoid feeling hurt
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  or ashamed or embarrassed in any way. And I think that's very limiting.
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  Yeah, well, and there's so many ways that we can do that, too. I mean, probably a lot of people that
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  would be listening to this podcast are people that have either would like to start their own
• 11:25
  business or would like to live a passion or have started whatever that is. And yet,
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  better life. Well, that's right. And what can happen is, and I've experienced this myself,
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  and I've witnessed other people experiencing this on various opportunity calls to invest
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  is that, that in the chat, people are saying, my husband won't let me or I can't because and
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  I said, you know, that that's an interesting thing to see that as a control. The control
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  feature is, is that if my husband or boyfriend or whoever won't let me spend that much money,
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  I'm safe. That's my word. Again, I'm saying, Yeah, I don't have to find a way to make it work. I
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  don't have to go, thank you for your opinion, but I'm doing it. You know, I'm not saying this is
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  an easy decision, believe me, because sometimes the things that we're concerned about doing
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  could be very actually real. But it's interesting how there are so many ways that we can control
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  any possible sense of failure, of loss, of, of scariness. And, yeah,
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  and if we're going to do that, we have in order to feel that kind of safe, and in order to feel that
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  version of safe, we have to stay in the familiar, which means we will never do anything new.
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  Yeah. And that's kind of death to me. That's kind of like, that's like a death sentence. Like,
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  wow, I'm going to be doing this as like, or like, maybe limbo, you know, I'm going to be doing
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  exactly the same thing forever. Because I'm not, I'm not risking anything. But I'm also, I'm,
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  I also committing to feeling stuck, or whatever it is, you know, like, I mean, unless you if you love
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  your life, that's fine. But then you're not, then it's not a safe control thing. Yeah, I'm
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  trying to do this. But also, I wanted to say, it's very interesting what you said about, you know,
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  people are offered an opportunity. And it can kind of, I think, go both ways, you know, when
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  they say like, Oh, well, I can't, I can't, because my boyfriend won't let me or I can't, because
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  whatever. It's so interesting that you're, you're giving up your autonomy. It's not I can't,
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  it's not I don't want to. Yeah, it's so the ownership is gone. I can't because some other
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  external force is stopping me. What if that actually, sometimes that's a, you know, being
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  controlled by someone else. But also, sometimes, that's a way of not wanting to be vulnerable,
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  because I don't want to own that. I don't want to do this thing. Exactly. And that's the difference
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  between blaming it on someone else. Exactly. I can't as opposed to I won't. No, no, thank you.
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  And the thing is, you know, when I think about the term, I won't do such and such owning that
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  there's no control in that there, there's a sense of self ownership, I think, is a sense of honesty.
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  But, but, but somehow, even though there can be a not a confidence that that's not the word I want
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  to use, but in in the owning the the the won't, to me, that opens up a person to,
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  to well, exactly, it's vulnerable. Well, yeah, and it's, it's, oh, my goodness, it's my choice. It's
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  because you're owning the choice. You're acknowledging the choice, which means that it's a
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  choice, which means you can do either. You can change the outcome, which means that you have
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  the power to change the outcome. So for me, I actually think like, that's, that's kind of
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  acknowledging the control that you have over yourself and over the universe, you know, kind
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  of being like, I own this, I am in control. You know, but for some people, I think they would feel
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  less in control, because they feel vulnerable. And as soon as we say something like, this choice is
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  mine. If we aren't comfortable standing up for ourselves, and standing in our power and saying
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  no, when we want to, we open ourselves up to other people feeling like they can manipulate us,
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  or feeling like we can be talked into something, or browbeaten or manipulated. And I think that's
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  why we tend to blame other people for our choices. Because we don't want to own the choice. Because
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  if we own the choice, then we have to own the fact that we made the choice. And it is actually what
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  we want. Yeah, exactly. I would I really want to, but I can't. Yeah, it's a lie.
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  Get out of my head.
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  No, seriously, I, you know, I have compassion, more compassion for others. Another good topic,
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  but I have more compassion for others that, that are in and I can't place than I am with myself.
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  And I don't know, maybe we don't need to go into that a lot right now. But But,
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  but what I do want to say is that when I say, I won't. When I have said I won't what I what I've
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  realized is that in some ways, there's a part of me that needs to trust something else. And and by
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  that, I mean, if I acknowledge that something so won't right now, there's a part of me that says,
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  Okay, so what else is possible? And for me, the spiritual part comes up, because if I believe
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  that there's something greater than me, whatever it's called, whatever I call it,
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  it's, it's also about not control, it's about being receptive to what is possible. And
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  because, you know, I know, just to say that there have been times where I have feared
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  someone else's control. Because growing up, and a good part of my life, I felt I felt controlled,
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  I couldn't, I didn't feel able, I wasn't strong enough inside to make my own decisions. And so
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  in some ways, I projected their control on me, but I was the one that was not yet able to make
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  my own decisions. And so, you know, there was a part of me, again, being transparent here,
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  that I feared that something greater energetically, because I was afraid that if I listened
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  to inspiration, or whatever it is, that I would now be giving it control of my life.
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  Interesting. I'm just sharing, I, you know,
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  no, that's, yeah, I think, I think, I think a lot of us go through life.
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  And and we don't necessarily think of it this way. But think about how many people feel obligated to
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  do certain things, like obligated to your spouse, obligated to your family, obligated to work.
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  And you do feel, and this is where resentment comes from. When, you know, we feel like we're
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  not free to make our own choices. We're not. But I think most of us actually live in that state
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  without realizing it. You know, it's, it's not like that this is this crazy thing, like,
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  we're other people controlling us all the time. We, and they're not, we are, but we are, we are
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  kind of controlling ourselves on their behalf. So there's, there's so much of that going on.
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  And like you were saying, like, and it's a pattern that we learn. So, you know, when you
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  were younger, maybe you didn't have autonomy, because, you know, legal rights and all that
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  kind of stuff. But then that becomes a pattern that you take on. And then you, you live, you
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  live with that. So you take other people's, you know, a loved one's disappointment or anger,
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  as something that controls you. And you take someone else's expectations as something
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  that you have to follow. Now, that's not actually, not necessarily true. Most of the time,
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  it's not actually true. I mean, radically, it's not true. Even if someone is holding a gun to your
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  head, you don't have to do what they say. You just might have to live with the consequences,
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  or not live with the consequences, as it may be. But, you know, you have radical self-control.
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  We all do. We have radical self-control. But we don't feel like we do, because of physics and
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  consequences. And, you know, I know that if I do a certain thing, this person is going to get angry,
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  and that they're going to do whatever. And then that's not okay. That's not something that I want.
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  And so I'm going to choose this other thing. So we don't always acknowledge all these little
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  micro choices that are happening. And we feel like someone else is in control of us,
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  because we don't acknowledge that we are navigating an existing pattern that we see,
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  whether or not it's actually true, that can be debated. But we're navigating this kind of obstacle
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  course of other people's expectations, and emotions, and, you know, the consequences of,
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  well, if I do this, then this is going to happen. And I don't want that to happen,
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  so I'm not going to do this. But I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter.
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  I do. We're really talking about free will, kind of, in a way. It's just interesting.
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  Because that's not where I thought this conversation was going to go.
• 21:54
  Yeah, exactly. So, Danielle, I'm feeling really excited about something that you just said a
• 22:01
  moment ago, which I will paraphrase in my words, which are that I used to think that control
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  is power. But really, control is a pattern. And a pattern can be changed.
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  Did I say that? Did I say that?
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  Well, no, but you did. I don't know what you said, but it inspired that thought in me, because
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  we have been kind of saying, in a way, that we think that we control. And so, if we think we
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  control, we must think it has power. But it's not actually power, because we can't control.
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  But it is a pattern that feels powerful, or feels like power. And it's not like
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  we can't change, or move forward in what we think we control, how we think we control,
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  do we want to really control? I love this. I do. I think we conflate control and power.
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  But when I think of being empowered, I don't think of being in control of myself.
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  I think of being... There's something more fluid to it. Because controlling feels restricting.
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  If I'm thinking of like, even if I say, I'm in control, I don't feel like...
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  Control feels quite restricting. Whereas if I'm like, well, it's my choice to do whatever,
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  that doesn't feel control in the same... The word doesn't resonate the same way for me.
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  That feels more like a choice. It feels more powerful. It feels more conscious and intentional.
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  Whereas control feels always from the outside, for me. Which is weird, because you talk about
• 24:07
  being in control. That's definitely from the inside. So that's just a personal little thing
• 24:10
  I have. For me, control always comes from the outside for some reason. Which obviously is just
• 24:17
  a personal quirk. Yeah, which I just want to say, it's so fantastic that we're viewing control from
• 24:28
  different aspects. It makes me excited to think what others that would be listening... What is
• 24:35
  their control? Not focus as in what it looks like in the outer world, but what initiates
• 24:45
  that sense of control? Is it internal? Or is it external? Or is it both? It doesn't have to be
• 24:51
  either or. But as you say, and I really agree, that control, it really is limiting our experience.
• 25:01
  I want to live an unlimited life. I believe. That's my thought.
• 25:05
  When I think of control, I'm usually thinking of it from a voice coach point of view.
• 25:10
  Most of the time when I'm talking about control, I'm talking about... It often results in tension
• 25:15
  in the body. So I'm trying to control things. I get tense. I'm not free. I'm not open. And my
• 25:21
  expression suffers. My vocal tone suffers. My facial expressions, my body language suffer
• 25:27
  because I'm trying to be in control and control creates tension.
• 25:32
  So that's often how I'm thinking of things. And I know that a lot of people have different ideas.
• 25:36
  I'd love to hear from people, what are your... Because this is the cool thing about language
• 25:41
  is we all have these completely different perspectives on the same words. And I mean,
• 25:47
  I understand dictionaries exist, but language is a living thing. And we all have our own
• 25:50
  personal interpretation of different words. It reminds me of,
• 25:54
  there's a chapter in The Unbearable Lightness of Being. And there's a chapter on internal
• 26:01
  dictionaries and on how different words mean completely different things to different people.
• 26:07
  And we're not in control of how other people interpret what we say even. Because when I say
• 26:15
  something, I mean this, but you have your internal lexicon and your internal references and meanings
• 26:23
  to things. So when I say something, you might see something or interpret it completely differently.
• 26:28
  And this is why it's so funny when we think we're in control in relationships. We think,
• 26:32
  I can control my spouse's feelings or sometimes we take responsibility for someone's, which is
• 26:42
  control, just a different version of control. Like I'm responsible for someone else's happiness,
• 26:49
  which means I'm in control of their happiness, which is of course ridiculous if we think about
• 26:54
  it that way. But we do, we do it all the time. I can't do that, that'll make them unhappy.
• 27:00
  I can't do this or I must do this because it'll make them happy. They're in control of their
• 27:05
  own emotions. I do not get to control their emotions. I may be aware of certain patterns,
• 27:12
  but it's just so fascinating.
• 27:18
  It is fascinating, truly. And I love, I think you've probably alluded to this, Danielle, but
• 27:26
  there's also the control that is choice. Because control can be one of those trigger words
• 27:38
  that control equals bad. I'm just reminded of a couple of people that I've heard speak a while
• 27:50
  ago saying that we call bad those parts of us that are really just trying to protect us. They're not
• 27:59
  bad. Yes, they are, one could say, trying to control for our safety,
• 28:08
  to limit for our safety, for those of us that safety is a big word. But yet, it's not bad.
• 28:23
  Maybe everything is really for us, Danielle.
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  It's just that we get to choose what we want and what we don't. Sometimes something is for us,
• 28:38
  but it hurts us unintentionally. That happens all the time with human beings in general.
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  My instinct might be to keep myself safe and to not make any risks, but that makes me unhappy
• 28:51
  because then I'm living a kind of blah kind of life. It's done for my protection, it's done for
• 28:58
  my safety, but it hurts me in a completely different way. So needing to look at things
• 29:05
  holistically, but also very specifically to get that compassion, I think, that self-compassion.
• 29:12
  Because control is really just, I guess it's just a choice in direction. If we come down to it,
• 29:17
  you think of like, I play a lot of video games, like I've got the controller for the video game,
• 29:24
  and I'm using it to move my little character around and make them turn left and make them
• 29:29
  turn right. It's not any sort of insidious, mean, slave-making thing. It's the way that
• 29:41
  I move my little guy around on the screen. If we think of it like that, it really is
• 29:47
  just creating a movement or not creating a movement. I don't know where I was going with
• 29:57
  that. I lost my train of thought. It's gone. Yeah. I think it's so cool. I love your analogy,
• 30:08
  Danielle. I really do. Because in some ways, if the brain is a computer,
• 30:12
  oh my dear, a whole other topic. But if the brain is a computer, sometimes we're directing,
• 30:23
  and sometimes it appears something else is directing us. If I could have just a final word
• 30:32
  here, and that is control or no control, let's have some compassion with ourself, which doesn't
• 30:40
  mean that we will never change if that's something that we're wanting to do. It doesn't
• 30:45
  mean we'll never transform, which is something we will do in various ways. But to just have
• 30:54
  that self-compassion, because when I have more self-compassion, I tend to open a space of
• 31:02
  creativity. I tend to open a space of actually what is possible. That's where I want to go.
• 31:10
  What is possible, and I know that in self-love or in self-compassion,
• 31:16
  I'm more likely to move in that direction than if I'm controlling myself with thoughts that are not
• 31:26
  very helpful. I think whatever people choose, and this is for you, listeners,
• 31:35
  whatever you choose your life to be, just own it. If you can own your choices,
• 31:45
  you don't have to live a crazy, risky life, or there's nothing wrong with living a very safe
• 31:50
  life if that's what you want. If you're happy, that's what's important, and I think
• 31:57
  that can be the danger of giving control to other people is we kind of commit to being unhappy
• 32:04
  because we want to make other people happy or something. I'm not sure. But owning your life
• 32:10
  and letting yourself be whatever it is that gives you the most peace and the most joy and the most
• 32:18
  satisfaction in your life, doing that. It just makes me think of, and I am not in any way
• 32:25
  religious, but it makes me think of that serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the
• 32:30
  things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the
• 32:35
  difference. I think that is so huge because there are things that are very much in my control in my
• 32:41
  life, and there are things that are not, and knowing that difference can, I think, be
• 32:47
  that kind of the key to happiness in a way, accepting what isn't in our control and accepting
• 32:54
  what is in our control and knowing what I'm responsible for, what I'm not responsible for.
• 33:00
  And it's not that I can't affect change. I'm not responsible for the state of the world,
• 33:06
  but I live in the world, and so I would like... But that's different. That's a choice. It's like,
• 33:11
  I would like to affect change, and so I'm going to go out and do these things.
• 33:15
  But I'm not in control. I'm not in control of world peace. I'm not. But I do as much as I can
• 33:23
  in the small ways that I can to bring peace and emotional maturity to the folks around me,
• 33:30
  because I want to live in a world that has those things. You know what I mean?
• 33:37
  Yes, I do. That's beautiful, Danielle. I really appreciate that. I feel uplifted in my heart,
• 33:45
  you know, for our conversation. I really do. You know, and that's the beautiful thing is
• 33:52
  being able to share with others, you know, being willing to listen to others, be willing to
• 33:58
  express. And, you know, we need each other. I really believe that we need connection,
• 34:06
  and that we need to know we're also okay as we move through trying times that appear to want
• 34:14
  to control us, but actually really don't have the power. They just have the pattern,
• 34:20
  and the pattern can be changed. It's not power. It's a pattern,
• 34:25
  and patterns can be changed. I love that. That's so beautiful. And I would like to invite everyone
• 34:29
  who's listening, next time you feel unhappy or trapped or resentful, ask yourself,
• 34:36
  where is the illusion? Where's the illusion of control happening in your life?
• 34:41
  Where are you giving away your power? Where are you making a choice that doesn't feel like a choice?
• 34:47
  Because you are in control of your life. And I'm not saying you're always going to be happy,
• 34:52
  because that's absolutely not true. But you are in control of your life. And I do feel like the more
• 34:59
  we recognize our autonomy, maybe we'll still feel pain. Definitely. We'll definitely still feel pain
• 35:05
  in certain times. But there's a satisfaction that comes from owning your choices,
• 35:11
  feeling like you are in control of your life. That helps. It's kind of a balm on it. So I invite you
• 35:20
  to think about that. Wednesday, it's Wednesday. Oh, have we become the Addams Family?
• 35:30
  Wednesday. Oh, how I would love to be Wednesday. Let's go on a little Tim Burton holiday. Wendy,
• 35:39
  it has been an amazing conversation with you on a Wednesday, as usual. And yeah, just thank you.
• 35:45
  Thank you so much. These are such thought provoking, beautiful, conscious conversations.
• 35:50
  I really appreciate them.