Latest / The Humanistic Leader Podcast- Dr. Craig Nathanson / The Invisible Ordinary: Learning to Notice

Transcript

The Invisible Ordinary: Learning to Notice · The Humanistic Leader Podcast- Dr. Craig Nathanson

• 0:00
  Welcome back to From the Park Bench. I've been thinking lately about something very simple.
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  How much of our lives do we stop noticing?
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  Not because it isn't important, not because we don't care, but simply because it's there every day.
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  We drive down the same street. We walk into the same grocery store.
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  We pass the same houses. We see the same people.
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  We sit across the same person at breakfast. And after a while,
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  so much of it becomes part of the background It's interesting When something is new,
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  we notice everything Think about the first time you visit a new city You notice
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  the buildings, you notice the people, you notice the sounds You notice the little
• 0:47
  coffee shop on the corner,
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  You might even notice the way the light hits a building in the late afternoon,
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  But live there long enough And eventually you're just trying to get through traffic For me,
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  I walk near my house every day There's a countryside, a beautiful countryside
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  And sometimes I'm too busy in my own head I don't even notice it And I grew
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  up in a big city And so I really appreciate looking out at farmland,
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  And it's a reminder to me every single day To get out of my own head and just look around,
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  For you, there's probably things right outside your homes That you barely see anymore A tree,
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  a neighbor walking a dog Someone tending a garden The person delivering the
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  mail A house we've passed hundreds of times.
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  Sometimes I wonder what would happen If we walked through our own neighborhood
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  As though we'd never been there before What would we notice?
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  And it's not just the places, you know, it's people Think about the people we
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  encounter During an ordinary week,
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  For example, the person behind the counter At the grocery store The person making
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  our coffee The person cleaning the building where we work Perhaps someone sitting alone At a restaurant.
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  Maybe the person who holds the door open for us. You know, most of these people
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  enter our lives for only a few seconds.
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  And then they're gone.
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  But they have entire lives. They're worried about something.
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  They're just like you. They're excited about something.
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  Maybe they're waiting for a phone call. Maybe somebody they love isn't doing well.
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  Maybe they've just had the best morning they've had in months.
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  You know, we just don't know. Usually we don't even, you know,
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  think about it. But the other day, I ran into a stranger at the grocery store.
• 2:34
  We started chatting, and he just kind of volunteered that he had just gotten
• 2:37
  laid off, and he was pretty upset.
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  Normally, in the olden days, I would have put on my coaching hat and got right into it.
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  Well, that's too bad, you know, but, you know, once a door closes, another one will open.
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  You know, what do you want to do next? And so on and so on and so on.
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  But now, I don't do that anymore.
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  I just listened He acknowledged And I said That must be so difficult And he
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  continued to talk And talk and talk And I just listened And I just gave him
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  space And then he went on his way.
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  And then there are people that, you know, we do know, unlike the stranger I met.
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  I think this is where it maybe gets more uncomfortable because sometimes the
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  people we stop noticing the most are the people closest to us.
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  Our spouse, our children, our friends, you know, the colleague we've worked with for years.
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  You know, we know they're there. We love them in many cases.
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  I mean, the family, of course.
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  But familiarity has an interesting way of making people almost invisible.
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  We stop noticing the little things that they do The cup of coffee someone makes
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  for us Or the question they always ask Or the way someone laughs The text message
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  checking to make sure, you know, we got home okay,
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  The person who listens to the same story we've probably told six times Those
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  things don't usually make it onto anybody's list of, you know,
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  major life events But maybe those are our lives,
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  For example, after work, my wife always invites me to go on the porch and, you know, have tea,
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  and sit quietly And I usually protest, I have other things to do,
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  I'm not finished with work yet, and so on And then I always go,
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  and she's always right, because I always,
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  relax, get out of my head, watch people walk by And, you know,
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  sometimes we talk and sometimes we just, you know, notice the world outside
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  our house And I always feel better after.
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  I've also been thinking lately About the things happening around us That don't
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  get much attention We live in a world where.
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  Somebody is always constantly deciding What deserves our attention,
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  There's breaking news There's the big story of the day There's whatever everyone
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  is arguing about online And some of those things,
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  Really are important But while we're looking at the things Everybody tells us
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  to look at There are also thousands of quieter things Happening that don't make
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  the news For more information, visit www.fema.gov.
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  Someone is taking care of an elderly parent. A teacher is staying late to help
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  a student. Someone is starting over after losing a job.
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  A nurse is sitting beside someone who's frightened.
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  Perhaps a neighbor is bringing dinner to another neighbor. Someone is forgiving somebody.
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  Somebody is deciding to try just one more time. So those stories rarely get
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  a headline, but they're happening everywhere.
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  And sometimes I wonder if they tell us more about the world than the stories that do.
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  The other day in one of my classes, this is the first week of school at one
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  of the colleges where I teach, and there was a student who was having problems
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  figuring out how to look whether they were on the wait list or not for my class.
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  And I was busy and distracted, and so the student asked another student if they
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  could help. Actually, another student volunteered to help.
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  And I noticed after the student helped the student that was confused how the
• 6:00
  student felt afterwards.
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  And I could just tell by the expression on her face That she really appreciated
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  this You know, small Small act of kindness.
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  You know, but there's another kind of noticing that may be even harder. Noticing ourselves.
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  How often during the day do we actually notice how we're feeling?
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  Not what about we're doing next.
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  Not about what we have to finish soon. Not about what somebody wants from us.
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  But just how am I doing? Am I tired? Am I worried? Am I happy?
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  Am I carrying something around that I haven't really acknowledged?
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  Do I need to slow down? Do I need to call somebody? Do I need to go outside?
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  Sometimes our thoughts become background noise too. I mean, they're there,
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  but we're so busy moving through the day that we never really listen to them.
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  This happens to me a lot. I wrote in a new book that I'm writing,
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  I wrote something a few weeks ago I came up with.
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  It went like something like this. Think about something in the future that you
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  would give anything to be able to do right now, you know, that you used to do.
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  At the time, I thought it was interesting, but not as profound as when I think about that right now.
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  And so, whenever I'm not appreciating the moment, I think of that.
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  You know, what is it in the future that I'll wish I could have back to do right now?
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  And then that helps me focus on the moment. And maybe that's the reason I like
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  the idea of a park bench so much, a bench doesn't ask you to really,
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  you know, accomplish anything.
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  A bench doesn't care about your job title, doesn't know how much money you make,
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  doesn't know whether you've had a productive week, it doesn't even know whether
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  you remember to answer your email. It's just a place to sit.
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  And when you sit long enough, you start noticing things. A bird,
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  a tree moving through the wind, someone walking slowly, two people having a conversation.
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  Maybe you notice your own breathing. Maybe you notice a thought that has been
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  trying to get your attention all week.
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  And maybe you notice the person sitting beside you. And I think that's what
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  I've been trying to do more of lately.
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  Not necessarily change anything, just notice. Because there's an interesting thing about attention.
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  When we really notice something, it becomes a little harder to take it for granted.
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  A tree becomes a tree again instead of, you know, a part of the scenery.
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  A stranger becomes a person.
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  A routine becomes something we're fortunate to have.
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  And someone we've loved for years becomes someone we can see again,
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  rather than simply someone we expect to always be there.
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  Every day, the person delivering the mail comes at the exact same time.
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  And I don't know, somehow I find comfort in that. It's ordinary.
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  I'm grateful to notice it.
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  So with that in mind, maybe sometime today or sometime this week,
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  Find one thing you stopped noticing.
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  Nothing profound. You don't have to go looking for a life-changing moment.
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  Maybe it's something outside your window. Maybe it's something or someone that you pass every morning.
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  Maybe it's the person sitting across from you.
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  Maybe it's something happening quietly in your community that no one is talking
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  about. Or maybe it's just something inside you, a feeling, a thought,
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  a question, something that's been patiently waiting for you to notice it.
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  You don't have to fix it. You don't have to turn it into a goal.
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  You don't have to post about it.
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  Just notice it. Because sometimes the things that matter most aren't the things
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  demanding our attention.
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  They're the quiet things that have been there all along, Waiting for us to look,
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  Until next time I'll see you on the park bench.