Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #20: The Art of Raising Kids Who Want to Hang Out With You | Parenting Advice That Builds the Deepest Parent-Child Connection

Transcript

#20: The Art of Raising Kids Who Want to Hang Out With You | Parenting Advice That Builds the Deepest Parent-Child Connection · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jones, author, educator, and co-parenting consultant, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to launch.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_02: Hey mom, we have spent a lot of time together.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_02: I'd say pretty much my entire life.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_02: Just insane the amount of memories we've shared.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_02: And it's been such an incredible life having you as my mom.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_02: Because you have always been my biggest fan, my my primary support system, someone I can talk to and laugh with and share incredible life-lasting memories with.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: And honestly, I could not imagine living in this world without you.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_02: You are my everything.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm so lucky to have you as my mom.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_02: I wholeheartedly believe you are the greatest mom on the planet.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: And Andy and I are so lucky to have you as our mom.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: You are so freaking cool.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna say it one more time.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_02: You are so freaking cool.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_02: You always can continue to inspire both Andy and I.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_02: You're always looking to push yourself and grow and learn and develop.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_02: And it's just it inspires us and motivates us.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that's what makes you so great as a mom.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_02: I love you so much.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_02: You are the best.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_02: And I hope that you and I can stay close for the next 20, 30, 40, 60 years.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: I can't even express to you how much I love you and how grateful I am to have such an incredible schmadre in my life.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: You're someone that I think of as my best friend, which you know, but maybe you don't know, but I also see you as my role model, my biggest source of inspiration, my teacher, someone who I can rely on for support and guidance, and someone who I just know will always be there for me, which is one of the most incredible gifts I feel like you've given me in my life.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know that I call you incessantly.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: For everyone else who might be listening, I call this woman constantly and she picks up eight out of ten times.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: If she doesn't pick up, then I just call back a hundred.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm kidding.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: I I love that I feel like I can call you and talk about absolutely nothing until one of us says, okay, you know, I do have things going on today.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: I do have a life to lead.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: So you know I love you so much, and I feel the utmost gratitude for you.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is launch.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is very close to my heart because if I had to pick one thing I'm most proud of, not just as a parent, but in my life, it's this.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: My kids actually enjoy being with me.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't take that for granted for a minute.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's one thing for your kids to love you because you're their parent, but it's entirely different when they like you as a person, respect your opinion, confide in you, and just love hanging out with you.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's a real flex.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: For me, it is at least.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: My two children are adults now.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: My daughter's 24 and my son is 30.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: They both live on their own, but that's not why we're close.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: We've always been.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Not that every stage of parenting them has been easy, but we've always had great communication, honesty, respect, and lots of fun.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Although we don't see each other every day, obviously, we talk a lot, and not just about what's going on in the world, but what's happening in our lives.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And they care as much about mine as I do about theirs.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: When we get together, we do things like real friends do.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: We run errands, try out new restaurants, work out, walk, play tennis, go to markets, see a good movie, go for a bike ride, and when our schedules permit, we plan trips together.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: This is how it's been since they were little.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: I have always loved hanging out with my kids, and it's pretty cool now that as adults, they love spending time with me.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: So in today's episode, I'll be talking about something I believe many parents want to know or maybe can relate to, and that is how to raise kids who love hanging out with you.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, for me, this has been very intentional.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: I brought my children into the world not just because I wanted to be a mother, I wasn't just raising kids, I was building lifelong friendships.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: But I knew for that to happen, I had to earn that privilege because a close relationship between a parent and adult child is not guaranteed.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want to know what it takes, I'll give you my suggestions.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And if you feel like dropping a comment or sharing your own wisdom, I'm always happy to hear your thoughts.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: So let's start with the most obvious question, which is not how you do it, although I'll get into that momentarily, but when does this happen?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: The transition from being their parent to becoming one of their best friends.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think a lot of parents try to do it too soon.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: And when you do that, you blur the lines.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not judging anyone here, but I'll say this.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to hang out with your kids and their friends or party with them for you to have the type of friendship I'm talking about.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: When parents do that because they want their kids to think they're cool and to like them, it often backfires.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, kids aren't stupid.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you want them to know the type of person you are, you should just be yourself.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: But with the understanding that you are still their parent, your priority is always to keep them safe and to teach them how to become responsible adults.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now you might not agree with me, but taking your kid out on the road to learn how to drive or have a drink with them before they're legally allowed to is not being responsible.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: You will always be parent first and then friend later on.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that brings me to another point.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's so important that our children get to know us, our values, our morals, how we were raised, and anything that gives our children insight into our character.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: But there will always be aspects of ourselves that I believe our children don't have to know about, because we are, to a very large extent, their role models well into adulthood.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't think we should ever be that friend who shares everything with them.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: This is not to say that you should come off as a person who's never made a bad choice.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: I believe that kids can learn a lot from their parents' mistakes.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: My mother, for example, never had a university or college education.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: She got married after high school and never worked, except later on in her 60s when she had to.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it was her brother who hired her.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: She couldn't have gotten a job otherwise.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: But it was my mother's lack of education, lack of skills, and to be perfectly honest, her pathetic reliance on every man in her life that drove me to becoming educated and financially independent.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And in terms of crossing the lines as a parent, because my father left when I was three years old and moved to another country, I was only able to get to know him when I was in my teens.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, at the time, I thought it was pretty cool that he was this free-spirited, laid-back, unconventional parent who loved to party.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: But in hindsight, his parenting style was far from ideal.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Getting high with your kids and talking about your intimate relationships with your daughter is something I would never do with my children.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Even though I love my dad, he never earned my respect as a person.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently, he didn't get the memo on boundaries.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a very big distinction that we as parents need to make.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Loving a parent is not hard for a child, as long as you don't hurt them, because unconditional love is natural for them.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: But I wanted more with my kids, something really meaningful and long-lasting.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Unlike how I felt about my parents, I wanted my children to respect me and be proud of me.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: I also wanted them to know with 100% certainty that I am their person, the one who will always have their back, no judgment, just someone who truly listens and offers sound advice, mostly when asked.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: I also wanted them to love hanging out with me.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: And just so we're clear, I've never pretended to be a perfect person.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's just way too much pressure on your kids, and it's bullshit anyway, because no one is perfect.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I have shared a lot with them because it's how I became who I am.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Plus, the lessons that I've learned from my experiences have taught my kids that shit is gonna happen, whether it's divorce, some business failures, or just making poor choices, and that we can bounce back and become better people because of it.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really like a balancing act.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Always ask yourself which of my life lessons can my children benefit from, learn what not to do in the same situation?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: And will that experience help them to know me better so that they feel comfortable enough to share their truths with me?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: The boundary between being their parent and becoming their friend is important, especially when it comes to how much we share about our own experiences.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: When we open up thoughtfully, not just to be relatable, but show them that we're human too, we can build a strong and respectful friendship.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: But there's another reason why we need to do this.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: That is the transition from parent to friend as they become adults.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Our roles have to change.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: As our children mature, they don't like being told what to do.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it's critical for their development into adulthood that we stop over-parenting and over-controlling and micromanaging every aspect of their lives.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Pulling back from that type of early stage parenting doesn't mean you're going to lose connection with them.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's why parents are so afraid of this.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's about changing our purpose in their life, going from hands-on coaching to becoming an advisor to guiding them without interfering.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: This process is essential for them to become confident, resilient, and independent.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, I'll be diving deeper into this in the next episode, where my guest and I will talk about shifting from coach to advisor in the way we communicate and connect with our kids.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I won't elaborate on it now, but just know that it is a necessary part of helping them grow.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now, at this point, I want to share with you the how.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: How do we get there with our adult children?
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, there are several important distinctions that you'll need to work on if this type of relationship with your kids is what you want.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I don't think it's ever too late to try, with the exception that if you really did hurt your child, perhaps even traumatize them, they might need therapy before you just assume that they can handle a new type of relationship with you.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm saying is just because you want it now, it doesn't mean they're ready.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: But again, that's only if a lot of damage has been done.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: So let's just assume, for the purpose of this episode, that you currently have a healthy relationship, but you want something more meaningful.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: First, let's talk about what your kids want and need from you.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: You need to respect their boundaries, physically and mentally.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Don't call or text 10 times a day.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Don't make them feel bad when they need space.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Let them say no without you making it all about you.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Don't rely on them to fill your emotional cup.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Don't guilt trip them for living their lives.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Don't put expectations and demands on the relationship.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: I certainly don't subscribe to the I'm the parent and they're the child way of thinking.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: You're both adults.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if you haven't heard from them in a few days, maybe a week, reach out.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: I promise you that when your kid knows that you respect their time, they will think of you and make the effort.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Next, you are not to be judgmental.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: If every conversation turns into a critique or a lecture, they're going to stop calling and talking to you.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: They want to be able to tell you what's going on without you freaking out or shaming them.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: They want you to listen.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: If they ask for your advice, then you offer it.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Adult kids want connection, not correction.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Be the safe space where they can show up flawed and real.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Next, show them that you are a person too, outside of being their parent.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Create a life for yourself with your own passions.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: That way you're interesting to talk to.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Model what it means to be a fulfilled adult.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: They'll be drawn to you because you're living your life with purpose and happiness.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: The confidence and positivity that you exude is attractive to them.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you struggle with this, I strongly urge you to work on yourself, maybe get some therapy.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Parents who spend their last 20 years focused solely on their children find themselves lost and almost depressed at this stage.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: But it can be a very exciting time.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: You just have to remember that you were a person before you were a parent.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: This task is as much for you as it is for them.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: And here's something else your kid needs from you.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Laughter.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Don't underestimate the power of shared humor.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Laughter is very bonding and it's healing.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's connection without pressure.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: If you can be lighthearted and fun, you're creating a space they want to step into.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: My point is this: no matter what's going on in your life, don't always unload on your child.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: They don't need the weight of your stress.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Believe me, they have their own.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Next time you pick up the phone, surprise them with a conversation that's gonna, that's gonna be easy and uplifting.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: So at this point, you're probably thinking, okay, I can do most of that, maybe not all of it, but how do I start?
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Where do I begin?
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, saying that you want a more meaningful relationship is one thing.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Making it happen is a bit harder, especially if you're starting later.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: So here are five actionable steps that will help you to start building this kind of bond.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: One, audit your energy.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, would I want to be around me right now?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: What perception of yourself do you think you're giving your kids?
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Are you coming off judgmental, frantic, and negative?
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you grounded, curious, and warm?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because by now I think you understand what's important to them when you're working on reframing your relationship.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Two, start sharing instead of always lecturing.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Tell more stories about your day, your life, and your experiences.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Skip the unsolicited advice unless, of course, they ask.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: And when they're going through something, say, here's what worked for me, instead of you should be doing this instead.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Three, let them be flawed in front of you.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Stop trying to fix them.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Let them come to you as they are.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: If they know they can, they will.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Truth is, if your kid can't show you their authentic self, they'll find someone else who will let them.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Four, make your time together feel easy.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: Just like a good friend.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Be fun to be around.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: Relax when you're together.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Try to be more carefree.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Take off your parenting hat and lean into this new role.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, say this more often.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: I really like who you're becoming.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Seriously, say it.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: I know a lot of parents think if they say I love you, that's enough.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: But if you can acknowledge the person that your child is becoming, they will feel seen.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that matters more than you think.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the biggest takeaway from all of these actionable steps.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: For you to be someone who your kids want to be around, start by becoming someone you want to be around.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we're pretty much at the end here, and I want to leave you with a few important thoughts.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: As our children mature and move into different stages of their lives, they won't need us.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: Certainly not in the same way they did when they were younger.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: But that independence, as hard as it can be to accept, means you did a really good job.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: And you should feel a sense of pride.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: A grown child that can't leave their parents' side is not a thriving adult.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: I mentioned this earlier, and I think it's worth repeating.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: There isn't anything more rewarding than when your adult children tell you that they love spending time with you.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: And not because you're paying for dinner or taking them on vacation, but because being with you makes them feel heard, understood, and safe.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: Your children will always remember how you made them feel long after you've gone.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: That legacy is the kind of parent I'm hoping to become.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: And if this is important to you, then why not start today?
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you share this episode with someone who needs to hear it.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for listening.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Shari Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.