Latest / The Dept. w/ Omar El-Takrori / Why EVERY CEO Needs a therapist ft. Angie Richey Ph.D. | The Dept. #108

Transcript

Why EVERY CEO Needs a therapist ft. Angie Richey Ph.D. | The Dept. #108 · The Dept. w/ Omar El-Takrori

• 0:00
  [SPEAKER_03]: Welcome to the department.
• 0:01
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm so excited to be joined with my wife after over a hundred episodes She was on the first episode back as one of my things if you're gonna start a podcast Should shoulder tap the people closest to you and then turn on some cameras and turn on some mics
• 0:15
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I'm so honored to be joined, I feel like this is a conversation I've wanted to have because you were one of the most fascinating human beings I've ever witnessed and observed through friend and Dan Fernand and Dr. Angie Richie, you've been doing marriage and family therapy for over 15 years.
• 0:35
  [SPEAKER_03]: You're the president of life-specific university and you also are a professor.
• 0:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 0:41
  [SPEAKER_03]: So why would you say it's so important for ACEO or business owner to have some sort of therapy going on?
• 0:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: because you are absolutely the cap on your business, your marriage, your life.
• 0:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: So therapy is about self-awareness, healing, those limiting beliefs that all start in childhood, by the way, and if you don't do that, you are the cap, you are stuck at your development.
• 1:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: And let's be honest, most of our development, our developmental age is usually adolescents.
• 1:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: So if we don't get that therapy, that self-care, that professional development, we will be stuck.
• 1:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: We will never accomplish what we were meant to accomplish.
• 1:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I do believe we all have a destiny.
• 1:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know about you, but I want mine.
• 1:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want everything God has for me.
• 1:29
  [SPEAKER_03]: Amen.
• 1:29
  [SPEAKER_03]: Amen.
• 1:31
  [SPEAKER_03]: would there be some caution like because I don't want somebody to be all right, cool, I'm gonna take the box like what's like some red flags or how do you find a good therapist?
• 1:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh my goodness, this is hard.
• 1:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is why I am a president because I wanted to build a master's program that could develop the kind of therapist that I know will make a difference.
• 1:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Listen, you have to ask yourself, if you've been going to therapy for three years and there's not a lot of movement, you better, it's like next, next.
• 2:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: So are you making progress?
• 2:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Are you changing?
• 2:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love talk therapy, but if talk therapy doesn't get you moving and changing, I like action and the only way we change is massive action.
• 2:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: So a therapy session, a good one, has to be one where you make some connections awareness, but then what are you going to do different?
• 2:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because what got you in the chair,
• 2:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you don't change, it's going to keep you in the chair.
• 2:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it's all about change, but you need someone to challenge you.
• 2:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think what is a challenge was modern therapies is we so align with our clients and there's so much positive regard that we don't challenge our clients to think differently.
• 2:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's so much acceptance and awareness and feel what you want to feel, but maybe our role is to be the change agent.
• 2:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: to actually produce some challenge, to help them do self-challenge and opposite action, because what got you here will not get you there.
• 3:01
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm a coach.
• 3:02
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
• 3:02
  [SPEAKER_03]: What's the difference between, and I'm also a pastor?
• 3:05
  [SPEAKER_03]: What's the difference between those three roles, a therapist, a pastor, and a coach?
• 3:11
  [SPEAKER_03]: And as a human, how do you discern inviting these relationships?
• 3:16
  [SPEAKER_03]: And what do you let a pastor know that you don't let a therapist know?
• 3:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I look at pastors are, they're, they're, they're pastors are hard, right?
• 3:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're about the soul, the spirit.
• 3:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so they have a scope, it's spiritual, care, spiritual disciplines, spiritual discipleship, the word, support showing up at the hospitals.
• 3:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's so important.
• 3:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're not necessarily going to be your coach.
• 3:37
  [SPEAKER_03]: The hospital, if I break my leg.
• 3:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, I'm not, yes, I will forgive you.
• 3:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I would say for a coach is someone that's going to think about a coach is baseline or above.
• 3:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: It is, it is, you're pretty much okay, and we want to get you to your goals.
• 3:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, they're above the water line.
• 3:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: A therapist usually deals with everything below the water line, okay?
• 3:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so a therapist is going to help you get to baseline where you can then start.
• 4:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: self-actualization, let's think about dreams, let's think about goals, let's self-improvement, but so many things what stops us from our goals in from achieving are the things under the waterline, unconscious thoughts, unconscious motivations, traumas, memories, limiting beliefs.
• 4:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's the mattress we tell ourselves in listen, if you don't have someone challenging you, you aren't a lot of pilot.
• 4:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: So that's what I would say.
• 4:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, I love to work in this space of both therapy, but I love coaching.
• 4:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: So my PhD, I have a specialization in life coaching because I love, let's get to meaning making.
• 4:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's get to our dreams.
• 4:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: But often people are stuck because they don't understand what's holding them back.
• 4:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 4:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's childhood.
• 4:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Are the ideas, the beliefs, the things people spoke over them, that they are still living out every day, kind of break those cycles.
• 4:52
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's crazy.
• 4:53
  [SPEAKER_03]: No, I, you know, so many just come to the surface since, you know, the business has done well.
• 4:59
  [SPEAKER_03]: One being, I love learning as an adult and I didn't like learning as a young person and I remember feeling dumb because I couldn't pass the ACT or the SAT to get into UNOV.
• 5:14
  [SPEAKER_03]: And so I had to go to the community college and like I felt like there was something wrong with me and it's weird that people think I'm smart now when I just started to find something I enjoyed learning and then the other thing is in business I feel like in many cases it's money what you know like what are your traumas and it limiting beliefs around money around relationships and then around activity or like what you should there's a reason why you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing right.
• 5:43
  [SPEAKER_03]: I found when it came to money, I had a friend, and she noticed that I had something wrong with how I charged.
• 5:54
  [SPEAKER_03]: Like, I was afraid to tell people my price.
• 5:57
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I can talk back and forth, give you some insight on what you could be doing.
• 6:01
  [SPEAKER_03]: And it's like, all right, how much is going to cost?
• 6:03
  [SPEAKER_03]: Let's go, let's do something, and I leave the conversation.
• 6:05
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I would ask this friend to mine.
• 6:07
  [SPEAKER_03]: I was like, can you just call them and let them know it's this much?
• 6:10
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I asked her to do that a couple of times and she said, oh, Mar, and she's like kind of coach therapist too.
• 6:15
  [SPEAKER_03]: She's she's she's been doing great stuff for women.
• 6:18
  [SPEAKER_03]: And she said, I feel like I found your schema and I was like, was a schema and she's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 6:24
  [SPEAKER_03]: I was like, okay, this is what I do.
• 6:25
  [SPEAKER_03]: I take complex things and it makes them simple.
• 6:27
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I found that a schema is simply a,
• 6:30
  [SPEAKER_03]: equation in on my mind that's not true, so if I tell people my price, they're going to think it's too expensive or if I tell people my price, they're going to want to discount.
• 6:40
  [SPEAKER_03]: If I tell people my price, they might not want to work together and I'm like some money's better than no money.
• 6:48
  [SPEAKER_03]: But then she helped me reframe some things and as she's talking,
• 6:52
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's like the Holy Spirit started bringing up these occurrences as to why I have a money problem.
• 6:57
  [SPEAKER_03]: And it was like so clear as she's talking, I'm like boom, I had a conversation with my friend Sean Cano.
• 7:04
  [SPEAKER_03]: Before we started working together, he's like how much is gonna, you're gonna, you know, to work together.
• 7:08
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I was like, I don't know, $35 an hour and he's like, let's do $20 an hour.
• 7:12
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm like $30 an hour and he's like $25 an hour and we settled on a price he chose.
• 7:17
  [SPEAKER_03]: And then, um, and that's all good, right?
• 7:19
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm getting a job.
• 7:20
  [SPEAKER_03]: So my limiting beliefs and business were actually built on good things.
• 7:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
• 7:24
  [SPEAKER_03]: And that's why they became a cap.
• 7:26
  [SPEAKER_03]: The second occurrence was I did a photo shoot for a family, and I used to charge like 25275, and she gave me like $475.
• 7:34
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I was like, Rachel, no, no, no, no.
• 7:36
  [SPEAKER_03]: She's like, no, Mar, this is what you're worth.
• 7:38
  [SPEAKER_03]: So she's telling me my worth.
• 7:40
  [SPEAKER_03]: Even if it's cool, she almost paid double the price.
• 7:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 7:43
  [SPEAKER_03]: And then the third occurrence is I had a client who always raised the how much they paid us.
• 7:49
  [SPEAKER_03]: And it was so good.
• 7:51
  [SPEAKER_03]: I mean, I got to a point where I was making 10 or 15K a month, working a couple days a month.
• 7:57
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I was cool with it, but they kept telling me, hey, we're gonna pay this, hey, we're gonna pay this, hey, we're gonna pay this, and so it built in me that a weirdness when it came to me saying my price.
• 8:07
  [SPEAKER_03]: And so I had to reframe that when I got go to a conversation, and it was time for the price to say your price and be quiet, and just know if it's a note, it's a not yet.
• 8:17
  [SPEAKER_03]: No, it's like it's not you, you're nothing wrong with you, and if they're not ready, then you move on.
• 8:23
  [SPEAKER_03]: And then that following week,
• 8:26
  [SPEAKER_03]: two conversations.
• 8:27
  [SPEAKER_03]: I made a hundred grand.
• 8:28
  [SPEAKER_03]: Because you asked because I just said the price.
• 8:31
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
• 8:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is it.
• 8:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is my price.
• 8:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 8:33
  [SPEAKER_03]: And then I just love it.
• 8:34
  [SPEAKER_03]: And then I get the text.
• 8:36
  [SPEAKER_03]: Let's do it.
• 8:37
  [SPEAKER_03]: And then I another guy called he's like, Dang, that's expensive.
• 8:40
  [SPEAKER_03]: I know.
• 8:42
  [SPEAKER_03]: Let's do it.
• 8:43
  [SPEAKER_03]: I was like, and it started breaking, and it's like these little, I realized, but as I'm talking, I imagine that the Holy Spirit or whatever you believe is working, and it's bringing up like, what is it about the relationship or the leadership or the something, you know?
• 8:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, well, you had money shame.
• 9:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: There was some kind of shame in somewhere along the line, you're probably your little brain
• 9:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: a certain price, or asking, wasn't okay.
• 9:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it shaped how you viewed yourself, and not only was there shame attached, but also worthiness.
• 9:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like why wouldn't you be worth the $100,000?
• 9:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Right.
• 9:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: And but what's interesting to me is why did you what happened what flipped the switch where you you did said a hundred thousand and you stepped away.
• 9:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: What made you change because a lot of people have a hard time.
• 9:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 9:38
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
• 9:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Changing.
• 9:39
  [SPEAKER_03]: This is why I love sales because sales is such a self-discovery process.
• 9:45
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
• 9:46
  [SPEAKER_03]: And it was just removing myself from outcomes.
• 9:50
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I know means on to the next.
• 9:57
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I found that most successful people, they've just gotten more nose than the S's, but they're okay with the nose.
• 10:04
  [SPEAKER_03]: So it was just being okay.
• 10:06
  [SPEAKER_03]: Number one, number two, it was finding a biblical principle around the concept of selling, and that selling is serving not taking.
• 10:15
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I found like business in it inherently is built on service or greed and if I had an issue with selling because I thought I was doing that was taking somebody's money Then you find that there's principles and what your treasure is there your heart is also.
• 10:29
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yes I give people an opportunity to care about what I'm offering them just because of price like and then just knowing that the transaction itself.
• 10:39
  [SPEAKER_03]: These are all things Yeah over time that I had to find truth around the lie I believed
• 10:45
  [SPEAKER_03]: And that I actually now on the flip side, I feel like I was robbing people from valuing my gift.
• 10:52
  [SPEAKER_03]: That's right.
• 10:53
  [SPEAKER_03]: For what they needed my gift for.
• 10:55
  [SPEAKER_03]: That's right.
• 10:56
  [SPEAKER_03]: And that's why I love business.
• 10:59
  [SPEAKER_03]: I love business because it's a fast track of personal development and just knowing yourself and any frustration I have, I realize it's just a level of ignorance or a immaturity.
• 11:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it's the great exposure when you put yourself in high pressure environments which I always encourage everyone to do.
• 11:19
  [SPEAKER_03]: How do you do that if you don't have a business?
• 11:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: You have, it doesn't have to be business.
• 11:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would say be underwater no matter what you're doing.
• 11:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you are asked to do something that you don't know how to do it, say yes anyways, you have to.
• 11:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's no other way to level up.
• 11:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: You will not be able to nurture, coach yourself, self-talk yourself into wanting to do
• 11:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I say do it everything I've ever done I do afraid a hundred percent and if not me who and what I would say is this People say no because they think someone else is better and then that someone else who does it is not better They just said yes and watch their life.
• 11:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, excel So for you You've learned healthy detachment.
• 12:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: You've also Learn to just do it anyway
• 12:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that great exposure can we sit with that this comfort, that's that's the question, but I would say if you want to literally fulfill your dreams, if you want what someone else's has has, we want to do what they did to get it.
• 12:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: See people want your outcomes, they don't want the process.
• 12:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I say let's get uncomfortable right away.
• 12:26
  [SPEAKER_03]: I like to tell people do it for the data.
• 12:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 12:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, you'll learn something.
• 12:31
  [SPEAKER_03]: Not necessarily for the outcome, but for what you're going to learn.
• 12:34
  [SPEAKER_03]: We, that's what we say to stay doing.
• 12:36
  [SPEAKER_03]: That's why I just told you, what are you so excited about this year?
• 12:39
  [SPEAKER_03]: I was like, honestly, I feel like, I don't know.
• 12:41
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm not winging businesses here.
• 12:43
  [SPEAKER_03]: I feel acquired so much data by failing and succeeding and then failing again and trying something new and raising the price and raising the price and raising the price and it's like nothing, it's just, um, and every time I do have to tell myself,
• 12:57
  [SPEAKER_03]: Like, and the team, I don't care what happens.
• 13:01
  [SPEAKER_03]: Like, as long as we figure something out, maybe see something that is broken, so that the next time we do it, and then it's like, you're actually compensated for that.
• 13:10
  [SPEAKER_03]: Like, the future you is compensated because you were willing to just go and figure this thing out.
• 13:15
  [SPEAKER_03]: And now you have something you could present, your clients, customers, or what have you.
• 13:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: So even failing isn't that when?
• 13:22
  [SPEAKER_03]: 100%.
• 13:23
  [SPEAKER_03]: 100%.
• 13:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 13:25
  [SPEAKER_03]: Now, when it comes to marriage and business, I'm now going to use this as free therapy.
• 13:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm here for it.
• 13:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, I love it so much.
• 13:35
  [SPEAKER_03]: Where do you send me wiring information?
• 13:39
  [SPEAKER_03]: You don't.
• 13:40
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I don't say this, it to sound better.
• 13:43
  [SPEAKER_03]: However, I'm the best out of the two.
• 13:48
  [SPEAKER_03]: Not this good.
• 13:49
  [SPEAKER_03]: No, you know, I've become very growth-minded.
• 13:53
  [SPEAKER_03]: I don't really consume entertainment content.
• 13:57
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm usually just constantly learning.
• 13:58
  [SPEAKER_03]: Even if it's like YouTube TV, even if it has nothing to do with business.
• 14:01
  [SPEAKER_03]: It could just be cars.
• 14:03
  [SPEAKER_03]: Watch is whatever I just love like finding out how things function worth or whatever and in many cases a mana isn't that And there's something wrong with that.
• 14:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: Why do I Like just the opposite.
• 14:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: I love TV.
• 14:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: I love cooking shows.
• 14:18
  [SPEAKER_03]: I guess you learn from the cooking shows Yeah, reading reading fiction books.
• 14:23
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm like why don't you read something that will I actually help not the same now?
• 14:29
  [SPEAKER_03]: I think this is
• 14:30
  [SPEAKER_03]: I might even call it a problem.
• 14:32
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a dynamic that I imagine that very, uh, it's very common in the, in the marriage of a high performer and someone who maybe stays at home takes care of, like,
• 14:46
  [SPEAKER_03]: I think the the question I have is how do I walk in this dynamic and wisdom because I don't want to ever feel better than her because I'm working on myself in this capacity and there's a very clear return on my investment of working on myself and then whereas with hers it's different and I just want to be good.
• 15:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 15:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so few thoughts here.
• 15:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: The goal is that the reason you are together is that you are a team, you are a partnership, you are a really a world building enterprise.
• 15:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's never been anything like you two together and you need each other now.
• 15:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: where you're going to have to pay attention as you have to continually grow together.
• 15:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because if you're not careful, we can outgrow each other.
• 15:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if you outgrow each other and you stop being interested in interesting, it's not just being interested, we have to remain interesting.
• 15:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: because that's where the chemistry comes.
• 15:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is that psychological that psychological in intellectual curiosity is actually what creates passion?
• 15:53
  [SPEAKER_03]: Wow.
• 15:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Not just togetherness, touchy-feely, it's about you're interesting.
• 15:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm interested, I'm interested, you're interesting, that dynamic.
• 16:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: So one is you both have a hundred percent responsibility.
• 16:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 16:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: is one, is you have to keep your heart right and keep wise perspective of, okay, I'm growing, I'm leading this family, I'm taking this, I'm breaking off generational.
• 16:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Chains, I am taking our family to a whole new level, and that's what you're called to do as leader provider, protector, and yet, here you are, you also,
• 16:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: together on this.
• 16:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: So you have to figure out how do I keep pace and how maybe if I am not naturally interested in this, how can I be so interested in him that I'm learning and asking good questions and gleaning from him.
• 16:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: That is going to be absolutely significant.
• 16:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: So one is is to accept your partner for who they are, but never be satisfied with who we are.
• 16:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 16:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Does that make sense?
• 16:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: One hundred.
• 16:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: So because of one, I see this all the time that the pace of growth changes especially because you're in very different environments.
• 17:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're with kids right now.
• 17:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: You are too, but your business is growing.
• 17:11
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm with kids.
• 17:12
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm just kidding.
• 17:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love you.
• 17:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Good luck, Art.
• 17:15
  [SPEAKER_03]: Denzy, turn up.
• 17:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, exactly.
• 17:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I would say you are in a really critical moment that if you do not figure this piece out
• 17:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: be aware, my husband is this and I need to show interest in this.
• 17:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Even if I'm not this in this phase and for you to say show interest where is Amanda right now and how can I show interest in her?
• 17:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you don't do that, you will feel this distance.
• 17:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Have you guys felt that by the way?
• 17:50
  [SPEAKER_03]: I mean, I would say 2025 was so good, like, I mean, and I will say prior to maybe a little bit more difficult because I was for the first time in my life with even just like as a partnership, I was jumping into like masterminds and coaching and investing myself a ton and like I was transforming at such a rapid race.
• 18:15
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I was getting awareness to so many things.
• 18:17
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm like, my goodness, I can't believe.
• 18:20
  [SPEAKER_03]: And then like, yeah, and then it felt like what you say, like, which I want to be cautious about, even to like, I know the phrase is like, you got it.
• 18:27
  [SPEAKER_03]: I don't want her to catch up to me because I'm like,
• 18:30
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's like in the business regard, sure I'm growing, but I never want it to feel like baby better catch up or it's not going to work or whatever, but the reason I say 2025 was so good, because she just kicked in the gear with her health.
• 18:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah, she's in.
• 18:46
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yes, bees, boss, baby, yes, no, but real talk like like complete transformed and like she just told you what she's excited about.
• 18:59
  [SPEAKER_03]: health and fitness, which is, yes, he never played sports.
• 19:03
  [SPEAKER_03]: You're in the your book, not to just start digging.
• 19:06
  [SPEAKER_03]: Go for it, student council, stucco.
• 19:08
  [SPEAKER_03]: Um, and, and I remember growing up in ministry, um, I just saw 40 some things get better with age.
• 19:18
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
• 19:18
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I was like, I've never seen anything like this.
• 19:20
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I want if that's available I would love that and I'm realizing what we're experiencing is that is like you are getting better with age We're you're leveraging the wisdom we've learned up through experience and through foresight But finding something to get good in or yeah He said put yourself in something like for me.
• 19:40
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's like business and golf and then and not and then
• 19:44
  [SPEAKER_03]: and fatherhood in being a husband, but I've just seen, I've actually seen a very, I've seen a handful of couples that I've seen built, not only in our companies together, and like, our no longer together.
• 20:01
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
• 20:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And happens all the time.
• 20:02
  [SPEAKER_03]: One of my friends, he's just said, he said what I presented to you was, you know, I've just being very growth-minded,
• 20:11
  [SPEAKER_03]: And then the person at home, not necessarily like in a transformation vacuum.
• 20:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and I think the challenge will always be to like see each other's strengths.
• 20:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: Because like in my brain, I'm like, I feel like you are the success you are because you're married to me.
• 20:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like because I hold it down because
• 20:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm not like trying to outpace you business wise, you know, like, there's a lot of women that that would be, you know, like, no, I'm going to still work.
• 20:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to still, and I, I've like, gladly homeschooled our, our children.
• 20:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: I gladly stepped into stuff at home.
• 20:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then yeah, like my, my natural learning is just way different.
• 20:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like I love a good.
• 20:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: health podcast and I love a good podcast on vitamins and like that's just what's gotten me excited so it's like no I'm still very much like growing in something it's just different than what you know or even I move out an investment property this year and just a stuff that like has taken the hell on and I'm like hey you're able to do what you do because of me you know and so I that feels very like self serving to say but I'm always like
• 21:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: Do you just need to see what I mean?
• 21:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know what, you are so on point.
• 21:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: One is, first of all, you both are incredibly interesting.
• 21:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think the key is to be continually interested and showing respect for each other's growth and what you just modeled on my words that you just gave her praise and just shouting her out for what she's done with fitness.
• 21:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you can continue to do that, your view of your wife will continue to be high.
• 21:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if you minimize, if you maximize what you do, minimize what she does, you will start diminishing her in your heart.
• 21:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's inappropriate where you began to be that you start to think more highly of you than you should.
• 22:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Whereas, by the way, that you had to exert yourself, I want to say good for you, good for you.
• 22:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: When we begin writing our spouses out of our stories, is it...
• 22:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: is the first day.
• 22:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: It becomes the end.
• 22:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: When I think of like what I've done educationally with my two master's degrees, a PhD, I've been able to advance in my careers and I have amazing children who are serving God and love their they're having babies.
• 22:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, did I do that no way without my husband being who he is, being having a flexible, you know, finance and technology jobs that he's been able, where I'm more helping professions, my kids will not be who they are.
• 22:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Listen, I'm just not that good.
• 22:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I recognize that.
• 22:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: So Amanda, you a hundred percent.
• 22:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to do all he's doing because you.
• 22:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: are crushing the home space.
• 22:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I bet your kids, they're amazing.
• 22:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I know you.
• 22:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so you have constantly have to give credit.
• 22:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: I will say I was guilty of not giving credit.
• 23:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And my husband being so brilliant and so kind, but bad day himself would have to remind me, hey, let me remind you why you can do what you do.
• 23:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I needed those checks.
• 23:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: So keep checking him.
• 23:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, vice versa.
• 23:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's what marriage is about.
• 23:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're a team or a partnership, but listen, if when the ego's get too big, you have to check each other because this does not happen without the system.
• 23:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I watch a lot of couples in therapy and wow, I'm like, wow, you think you're all that.
• 23:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: you only can use that because of that person, totally.
• 23:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: And they'll, you know, if they split up or this or that, but so good for you, for both of you, but you're saying interesting, you guys are both killing it, but I would say this, having kids during the season of children is the most challenging of, of marriage.
• 23:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna tell you,
• 24:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was the most challenging in our marriage and we're good.
• 24:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're golden.
• 24:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have an amazing leader husband.
• 24:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, he's off.
• 24:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's amazing, but he is a servant and he puts up with me.
• 24:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I can only do it.
• 24:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can do because he's, you know, he's really empowered me, but I couldn't, you know, I think now the kids are gone.
• 24:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're loving life.
• 24:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: We are like empty nesters.
• 24:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: We love our life.
• 24:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like imagine so many couples, they don't, they don't get through the hard times and they lose out all the history.
• 24:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're 32 years in.
• 24:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: You guys, you are in the trenches.
• 24:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you're in the trenches and you're growing.
• 24:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's rare, but you're doing it.
• 24:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Good job.
• 24:43
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, we had a pretty gnarly conversation a couple of months ago.
• 24:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, tell me about it.
• 24:48
  [SPEAKER_03]: Uh, it was predicated on the concept that, yeah, she's at home doing this, so I can do this.
• 24:56
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I'm obviously that we're marriages designed for us to serve one another.
• 25:01
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I think for the first time in a long time, I said, what's on your heart to do?
• 25:07
  [SPEAKER_03]: because I threw a couple instances, I felt like I was made aware that being a mom wasn't.
• 25:17
  [SPEAKER_03]: I mean, like here we are with two kids.
• 25:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, we were like my be all end all goal.
• 25:23
  [SPEAKER_03]: And then it opened up.
• 25:26
  [SPEAKER_03]: I don't have to call it a cano worms, but what it opened up was like, oh, there's some resentment toward Ruby because Ruby took away from something she had in mind and we had a really it was such a powerful conversation just about what do you want like now money is not a problem and I I want to
• 25:46
  [SPEAKER_03]: I will, whatever it looks like, do less to pour in more and I got to hear a dream that I don't know I'm never heard.
• 25:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I'm always out like for you when you heard the dream.
• 26:01
  [SPEAKER_03]: Well, number one, I felt convicted that it took that friction to get there.
• 26:08
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, to get there.
• 26:08
  [SPEAKER_03]: But because I'm inherently a coach, it was through those instances where I realized something like, thing, it's like you rubies your boss.
• 26:20
  [SPEAKER_03]: Like Ruby had a birthday, and Ruby answered, yeah, no facts, but it's because Ruby robbed her in this case from what she had in mind.
• 26:33
  [SPEAKER_03]: And so now she submits to Ruby.
• 26:35
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I just was like, and then it was like, what do you want to do?
• 26:38
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, and then but I felt I felt convicted because I want I want to catch those sooner and I always like band-aid fix But then also I felt also peace because And we have something to look forward to another thing to look forward to another dream like let's maybe invest in a commercial property and start a co-op
• 26:59
  [SPEAKER_03]: and the city needs it.
• 27:01
  [SPEAKER_03]: She started to co-op with a friend last year.
• 27:04
  [SPEAKER_03]: There was three kids in it.
• 27:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: Two kids last year.
• 27:06
  [SPEAKER_03]: Two kids last year.
• 27:06
  [SPEAKER_03]: Fifteen kids this year without even marketing.
• 27:09
  [SPEAKER_03]: Nothing.
• 27:10
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's like, wow.
• 27:10
  [SPEAKER_03]: And there's a grace on it.
• 27:11
  [SPEAKER_03]: And yeah, and I've seen great couples where I've seen the husband,
• 27:16
  [SPEAKER_03]: Just put on the wife's mastermind and let the wife shine and I was like, you know, I was also in a room with John Bavier where he talked about their dynamic on how they make each other shine.
• 27:33
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I don't know, Western, maybe we're just like the man's the man, he goes and provides us, and it's like, no, I've found women need not, I don't want to minimize what I'm saying.
• 27:44
  [SPEAKER_03]: Women need a problem to solve, and if it's not significant, it'll be an insignificant problem they solve, like target run.
• 27:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: And it's on return.
• 27:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: And it's on return.
• 27:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I need to check a box off in my day.
• 27:57
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
• 27:58
  [SPEAKER_03]: But yeah, that's, I guess, that's how it is.
• 27:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Did it make you, how did it make you view your wife from an emotional intimate way when she began to kind of open up about a dream?
• 28:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Did that change how you thought of her psychologically?
• 28:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: 100.
• 28:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: And emotionally.
• 28:17
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
• 28:19
  [SPEAKER_03]: Because I just want to be the reason why she can do that.
• 28:22
  [SPEAKER_03]: You know.
• 28:25
  [SPEAKER_03]: But yeah, I kind of going back, it's like, but I felt bad that she never felt comfortable to say it.
• 28:33
  [SPEAKER_03]: And it was because she's probably holding the fork to make it Ruby happy, making me happy.
• 28:40
  [SPEAKER_03]: And there is something there too that I would like to unpack and not to make this just about me.
• 28:46
  [SPEAKER_03]: No, is that like, Amanda is someone who says sorry about everything.
• 28:50
  [SPEAKER_03]: And so like she feels bad for anything.
• 28:54
  [SPEAKER_03]: She's sick.
• 28:55
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm so sorry.
• 28:56
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm sick.
• 28:57
  [SPEAKER_03]: The story would jabin on this.
• 29:00
  [SPEAKER_03]: She calls her and was like, I'm so sorry.
• 29:01
  [SPEAKER_03]: She's like, no, I'm sorry.
• 29:02
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm like, no, jabin, except his apology.
• 29:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's right.
• 29:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: So so a couple of observations.
• 29:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: One is is conflict is.
• 29:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: is really good for you to happen.
• 29:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so the conflict that you had was really an opportunity, but also want it drew you closer together and gave you that, oh, she's human.
• 29:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And there's something that I could, a problem I can help her also, I can help her with her dream.
• 29:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: You got to know her more, but also for you, you're being exposed of like some of your childhood patterns.
• 29:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: and an adult who apologizes a lot that people pleasing that was learned and your job Omar is to help her unlearn it and you almost have to go with a like a 30-day fast
• 29:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 29:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: That in fact, you have to check her for apologizing.
• 29:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: It has to be an everyday interruption because she has a neural pathway that is apologizes.
• 30:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's autopilot.
• 30:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's nothing.
• 30:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: She's not consciously even doing it.
• 30:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: It is just part of who she is.
• 30:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: So this part of this development, this growth mindset, this is where you can up absolutely start unlearning that.
• 30:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: But you can be a part of it.
• 30:17
  [SPEAKER_03]: What's the process you take people through to help them arrive to those moments that created a seed of what would be trauma?
• 30:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Once the first time you ever felt like you had to apologize.
• 30:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: Um, I, you know, it's funny.
• 30:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's like me and a girlfriend have been talking about that, like whatever the like memory therapy and a EDM, E, and yeah EMDR because we're like, I feel like I've blocked out so much on my childhood and not that, I mean, my parents cut the voice, they were, they were fighters like yellows and just never conflict just yell and so like I definitely feel like I'm like I, I, I, I, I, I
• 31:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: check rooms.
• 31:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: I feel how people feel you know like because that's what I did when I was little like are we mad today?
• 31:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: Are we gonna fight is there gonna be an outburst and my dad had mental illness?
• 31:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: So I don't I don't know the first time but I definitely feel like because there was just always
• 31:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: that it was like, oh my, okay, I'm not gonna add to this.
• 31:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm for sure not gonna be to add field of this fire.
• 31:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: So I'll excuse myself for, I don't need anything.
• 31:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: I don't need anything from YouTube because clearly there's so much going on here.
• 31:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then yeah, like I was like an only child for nine years until my sister was born and then with that age gap, she was like, you know, my baby.
• 31:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: It wasn't like a sibling relationship.
• 31:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: It was more like I cared for her
• 31:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: protected her for what was happening, but I don't know if I know the first time.
• 31:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, Amanda, you were raised in a high conflict home, high volatility, and most children raised in high conflict homes, they are notorious people, please, that's just what you learned.
• 32:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: You learned it unconsciously at the earliest age, you have to wake up.
• 32:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: You were literally raised to be independent.
• 32:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: to, like, look at your parents, how do we feel today?
• 32:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's what could happen in this.
• 32:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: That you don't, your happiness is based on what does everyone feel.
• 32:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that is how you function in your day.
• 32:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: And still.
• 32:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: And still, well, and I would say this is the great gift that you, your marriage brings you.
• 32:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Omar is a gift to you to help in your job is to help her heal from this.
• 32:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: And to help challenge her and to,
• 32:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Create experiences where she has to reframe from codependency, from you.
• 32:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Do I dare say, I don't know your marriage, but I'm just going to call it out.
• 32:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is we have to have this wake up moment, and it has to start with you Amanda.
• 32:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is autopilot.
• 33:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: You are not exempt from responsibility here, because you are an adult now, and once you know better, you do better, you have to.
• 33:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: which is opposite action.
• 33:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's opposite action.
• 33:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's like, if you want to go right, I'm sorry you're going left.
• 33:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 33:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: When next time, J.B.N.
• 33:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: does this to you?
• 33:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: You say, you're like, I can't give a rip.
• 33:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you're going to feel guilty for two to three days.
• 33:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: But your therapy is opposite action.
• 33:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: No apology.
• 33:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: it's funny we were late somewhere and I was like walking up I was like don't say sorry don't say sorry I was like thanks for waiting I was like but I had to like tell myself what you're going to say you've been like when somebody is like I don't know you run into somebody's cart my first is I'm sorry or don't move around it's like no excuse me
• 33:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: Excuse me.
• 33:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm getting out of the way.
• 33:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 33:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: What are you?
• 33:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: Are walking down an aisle?
• 34:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: But it is like it's such a, it's a habit.
• 34:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: It has to be.
• 34:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's a habit.
• 34:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's a habit.
• 34:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's a habit.
• 34:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's a habit.
• 34:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's a habit.
• 34:06
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:07
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:07
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:08
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:08
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:08
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:09
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:09
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:10
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:10
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:10
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:10
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:11
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:11
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:11
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:12
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's a habit.
• 34:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's a habit.
• 34:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's a habit.
• 34:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's a habit.
• 34:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's a habit.
• 34:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's a habit.
• 34:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's a habit.
• 34:14
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:14
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:15
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:15
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:15
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:16
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:16
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a habit.
• 34:17
  [UNKNOWN]: It's
• 34:17
  [SPEAKER_03]: I wanted you, but I bet you you felt bad.
• 34:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: I did, because he felt so bad.
• 34:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: I was like, it's okay.
• 34:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: We're okay.
• 34:24
  [SPEAKER_03]: No, because I wasn't around.
• 34:26
  [SPEAKER_03]: I was like, just around the area and I walked in.
• 34:29
  [SPEAKER_03]: I was like, where's his dad?
• 34:30
  [SPEAKER_03]: You know, I'm pretty even a beat up this kid bro.
• 34:33
  [SPEAKER_03]: No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
• 34:58
  [SPEAKER_03]: like how do people like everything's happening to me and like I'm a product of my the environment that I can't control and you'll never grow.
• 35:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: In fact, Tony Robinson's opposite.
• 35:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's not happening to you, it's happening for you.
• 35:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: And what if we every day that no matter what came our way, it was for me, it was for my good, it was for my growth, it was for the benefit of the future.
• 35:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: We could flip the script and you think about spiritually, we're flipping the script on the devil.
• 35:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, the enemy always wants us to be the victim, but there is no empowerment in victimhood.
• 35:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know about I just can't live in victimhood because I am very interlocal as a control because I don't want to be controlled and I don't want anyone to turn in my outcome because I can't deal with a pain of that.
• 35:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: The grief of there's nothing more that other people are holding the cards of my own life and so but you know what I'm just going to be honest with you.
• 35:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: A lot of people love victimhood.
• 35:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh yeah.
• 36:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's it's cozy.
• 36:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's like a day off.
• 36:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to
• 36:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: So there's always a person benefit.
• 36:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: So people that are victims, I just have to believe they choose it.
• 36:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: They love it.
• 36:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I feel like the like 20, 26 version of victimhood is like, I'm protecting my piece.
• 36:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like I'm just going to protect because nobody's going to hurt me.
• 36:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like I, and it's funny because I feel like we can protect our piece so far that we like don't have friends.
• 36:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: And we don't know nobody knows.
• 36:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: Because like you're not going to get here.
• 36:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, and it.
• 36:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's the whole thing.
• 36:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I'm sorry.
• 36:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have boundaries now.
• 36:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Listen, are they boundaries?
• 36:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Are they, is it avoidance for a hard conversation?
• 36:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we're not capacity building.
• 36:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're boundarying up and we're not growing.
• 36:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're not using both mindset.
• 36:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're not challenging ourselves.
• 36:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're comfort over courage.
• 36:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so, but it's mass behind virtue of boundaries, like, let's be real, like, that's on a boundary, that is, that is you being, you know, the field, yeah, filled with fear and avoidance.
• 37:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so that's why you're seeing like a lot of,
• 37:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: people are kind of parents right now or are they leaving jobs without even saying the word it's because they don't want to do hard things and I'm going to tell you we got to challenge each other to do hard things do the right thing stretch your shelf challenge yourself grow there's no other way but through so anything that you're facing no matter who's listening if if it's a challenge if there is a competition if there's a pattern in your life I would say opposite action
• 37:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: The opposite action.
• 37:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's easy to remember, but it's harder to do.
• 37:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if you're a team, listen, you as a marriage, you can grow exponentially farther together.
• 37:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: People always say, you know, I, I'll grow my partner, whatever.
• 37:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Listen, we have to be responsible to grow together.
• 37:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: You want to look good on your spouse.
• 37:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: I always say that, like being just seeing show up, look good, challenge yourself, look on your partner.
• 37:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if your partner is struggling, you have to ask yourself, what am I contributing this relationship that is causing my partner not to thrive?
• 38:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: 100% responsibility.
• 38:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Again, it takes the victimhood out of the equation and says, okay, I'm a participant.
• 38:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I love it.
• 38:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's empowering.
• 38:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's growing.
• 38:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: But Amanda, you're going to do great things this year.
• 38:22
  [SPEAKER_03]: see.
• 38:24
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm just kidding.
• 38:25
  [SPEAKER_03]: What are you seeing?
• 38:27
  [SPEAKER_03]: It becomes a little girl.
• 38:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, it is an emotional age, right?
• 38:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 38:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's going back into childhood.
• 38:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: We do it all the time.
• 38:36
  [SPEAKER_03]: Why do we avoid difficult conversations?
• 38:40
  [SPEAKER_03]: Why do we resist it?
• 38:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, many reasons one is, is, is what, let's just take Amanda like, um, she was raised an environment that, that there was no space for communication.
• 38:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's just be real.
• 38:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Amanda did not have, there was no emotional space for Amanda.
• 38:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: So Amanda, by nature, makes herself small and significant does not want to put any pressure or any,
• 39:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: wait on any situation to take away because her parents filled the room emotionally, there's no breathing room.
• 39:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: So she's used to holding a breath.
• 39:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so one it's by nature of habit, but two I think it's lack of skill.
• 39:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's really good.
• 39:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I want to have a conversation with my boss.
• 39:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want to have a conversation with my partner.
• 39:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want to have a conversation with my child.
• 39:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: But it's just easier not to because I don't even know where to begin.
• 39:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 39:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: Or where is it going to go?
• 39:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: Where's it going to go?
• 39:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: Right.
• 39:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: Right.
• 39:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 39:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I don't know what I'm going to say back.
• 39:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not smart enough for that.
• 39:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I will crumble under the pressure so let's just avoid it.
• 39:41
  [SPEAKER_03]: So let's just throw it into chat.
• 39:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
• 39:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
• 39:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
• 39:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
• 39:47
  [SPEAKER_03]: Copy-paste, then.
• 39:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, basic communication skills, how to ask for what you need, how to learn distressed tolerance skills, so how do I handle my own emotions and then make something really scary, really hard.
• 40:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're all human.
• 40:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Who's teaching us these things, you guys?
• 40:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: No one.
• 40:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hopefully a good therapist, a good coach, chat.
• 40:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Man, there's so many great resources out there.
• 40:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I help people in therapy, how to Garner skills and resources so that they can have a great
• 40:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: In effective conversation, maybe with her ex, maybe there's kids at stake, right?
• 40:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, you have to learn a communicate because you're a coparenting.
• 40:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: But people don't know how to talk.
• 40:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: They don't know, the parents didn't teach them, and obviously the parents, like yours, did not know how to communicate.
• 40:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: totally.
• 40:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: And we'll now have two kids and I'm like, okay, well, they're not, they're not being raised in a conflict house or crazy house, but I'm like, I don't want Ruby to be sitting on the podcast in 20 years being like, because my mom did this.
• 40:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: So I just wonder, like, you have adult kids now, like, I do.
• 40:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: What are things that we're good to put in them foundationally, rather than trauma?
• 41:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh my goodness.
• 41:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, one, this is such a way to question, but don't we always, all we're so afraid that our kids are going to go to therapy and talk about us?
• 41:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Our kids go to counseling.
• 41:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, what do you talk about?
• 41:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Whatever you I did.
• 41:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm so sorry.
• 41:19
  [SPEAKER_03]: I have a friend who had a great father who like Lavin left an inheritance and there's still stuff.
• 41:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, there's still stuff.
• 41:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're always is we're not perfect and they'll have that journey.
• 41:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well listen do the best you can with what you have and learn the skills.
• 41:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think always have an open door for communication with your kids.
• 41:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't give them to me choices.
• 41:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't make them in the center of the universe.
• 41:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's a really
• 41:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if you want a narcissist child, give them to me choices.
• 41:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, they're a part of the whole we work together as a team.
• 41:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: They don't need that many choices, this is what's for dinner, this is wet, but if you could help me with the table, help me with this, so don't give them too many choices, but also show them their value of how they contribute, what they're doing, how it makes a difference, how they are important for their family, but keep that communication and I would also say,
• 42:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you don't feel like you have done your best, they probably don't even notice.
• 42:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 42:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 42:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: We often project on our kids what we experience as children.
• 42:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't do that.
• 42:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would apologize over apologize to my kids.
• 42:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I would be like, I think you feel this way about me and they're like, mom, we actually think you're great.
• 42:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, what do you think?
• 42:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: What are you doing?
• 42:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, I am taking my own feelings from my childhood onto them.
• 42:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, and children are so forgiving.
• 42:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: So just a humble say mommy's learning to, but just put your hope in God, he fills in the gaps.
• 42:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: But let me tell you, if you're too good and you are modeling good communication, you're loving each other well.
• 43:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Omar, you are respecting your wife, loving her well, you're respecting your husband.
• 43:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: you're kissing in front of them, you're showing them effect, you're showing each other affection that brings so much stability and security.
• 43:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's huge.
• 43:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's so good.
• 43:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: Russell loves like a family hug.
• 43:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: He loves to hug both of us together.
• 43:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
• 43:23
  [SPEAKER_03]: Okay.
• 43:24
  [SPEAKER_03]: So let's go.
• 43:26
  [SPEAKER_03]: I never saw my parents be affectionate, so it's not my natural thing to like grab a man as a hand while we're at the mall or to be a physically affectionate.
• 43:38
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
• 43:39
  [SPEAKER_03]: Grab a button when we hug.
• 43:40
  [SPEAKER_03]: That's about it.
• 43:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: But do you think you have attachment issues in regards to attachment connecting and bonding with people?
• 43:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's a good question because he's a very, he's very relational.
• 43:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like he's the one that just like hangs and wants to have people around, but I wonder like attachment.
• 44:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Intimacy.
• 44:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Do you struggle with, again, if you... Arthur Brooks, I just watched him on a podcast.
• 44:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: He said, couples need to be always be touching.
• 44:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: So the fact that you aren't affectionate, one is it, you modeled it, I mean, you are modeled that.
• 44:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: But number two, I wonder if there is some disconnection, if you were, it had a lot of affection for it now.
• 44:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if not, you have no frame of reference for it.
• 44:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And in fact, you don't value it, but let me just tell you this right now, you really need it.
• 44:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't know how much you need affection.
• 44:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: But because you don't think you do, you don't give it.
• 44:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you probably don't ask for it too much.
• 44:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I'm going to just give you some homework.
• 44:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Ready?
• 44:50
  [SPEAKER_03]: Opposite.
• 44:51
  [SPEAKER_03]: Opposite action.
• 44:54
  [SPEAKER_03]: Going to be dry.
• 44:55
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm going to make it.
• 44:56
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm just kidding.
• 44:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: But really not for real.
• 44:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: But it's everything.
• 45:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's also non-sexual touch.
• 45:04
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
• 45:05
  [SPEAKER_03]: I would say I'm more affectionate with the kids.
• 45:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: For sure.
• 45:09
  [SPEAKER_03]: And you guys.
• 45:11
  [SPEAKER_03]: No, but with our kids, more affectionate, just because I know how important it is to them, but for some reason I skip Amanda in that.
• 45:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 45:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, and do you complain about that?
• 45:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: I don't completely buy anything.
• 45:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, but that to me as a major red flag, I assume that you would say no, you don't demand it.
• 45:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 45:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Amanda, you don't really ask for anything.
• 45:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your bar is really low, which is not good for you.
• 45:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's not good for Omar.
• 45:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: You need to raise your standards a little bit.
• 45:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: You need to raise the bar because you're not challenging him enough.
• 45:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 45:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: In that area, which is, you need to challenge him in an area that actually, you really, he really needs it.
• 45:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 45:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: You need it for you.
• 45:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, this isn't about Amanda's needs being met.
• 45:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is, this is about God knows that what you need, you both can give, but you are at least likely to give it, which means God is really more, he's more interested in how to heal you both and how to make you holy and how to make you whole in every way.
• 46:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you guys are really deficient in affection.
• 46:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: but you don't understand how little oxytocin is happening between you on the daily.
• 46:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: So you're getting all your dopamine in your oxytocin here on the pod, in what you're doing in the sales transactions, your knees are being met from the kiddos, you too.
• 46:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's why women, after they have babies, they ignore their spouses, not because they don't love them, but they're getting all their emotional physical needs from their babies.
• 46:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so at the end of the night, it's like, don't touch me.
• 46:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm filled up.
• 46:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: But let me tell you, God has so much more for you, emotionally, spiritually and touch is very important.
• 46:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like you might, do you need to do some therapeutic touch?
• 46:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not joking.
• 46:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like we're going to let's hold hands tonight for like three minutes straight.
• 47:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Super awkward, super uncomfortable.
• 47:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know what I'm saying?
• 47:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 47:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe we need to give each other three minutes like backroats.
• 47:15
  [SPEAKER_03]: You know, I'll take a thing in the background.
• 47:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, but I just think I get, but listen, I say that because I get you.
• 47:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't hug, I didn't touch.
• 47:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was super like, avoid it, right?
• 47:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I thought, wow, not only am I deprived, I'm so unconsciously aware of my needs, but I'm also depriving my spouse who has secure attachment really good attachment.
• 47:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: We need to do your attachment assessment.
• 47:43
  [SPEAKER_03]: They'll take an attachment assessment, bringing it back to business.
• 47:50
  [SPEAKER_03]: No, because I want to know why I function the way I function.
• 47:53
  [SPEAKER_03]: And you know, everyone that I want to work for me, I want to have a relationship with
• 48:00
  [SPEAKER_03]: outside of work environment.
• 48:04
  [SPEAKER_03]: So like I have my sister and a man as younger sister works for me.
• 48:07
  [SPEAKER_03]: Art who I've known since he was 10.
• 48:09
  [SPEAKER_03]: He was in.
• 48:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Look at you.
• 48:11
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, I was a little disciple.
• 48:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Love this.
• 48:15
  [SPEAKER_03]: Anyone who I bring on, I've never, I've never wanted to go out there to find.
• 48:20
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I, I always communicate to them is because I feel like I need a safe place.
• 48:24
  [SPEAKER_03]: to not have to put on.
• 48:26
  [SPEAKER_03]: I don't like want to be CEO.
• 48:28
  [SPEAKER_03]: Like I don't.
• 48:29
  [SPEAKER_03]: I don't want to have to feel like I need to, you know, sometimes could actually be a negative effect for them because they're getting the most honest version of me and sometimes it gets misinterpreted as a lack of professionalism or even just.
• 48:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes they just want to boss.
• 48:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 48:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I need to boss.
• 48:47
  [SPEAKER_03]: But I don't know why I'm that way.
• 48:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: So to me and immediately I go right well, you know what I'm You know, I love this thank you you guys you you are so so great you're giving a gift to so many people right now Just your vulnerability We got to take it back to childhood I need to know your family of origin.
• 49:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want to know what how you showed love how you showed affection and what you talked about And there is some innate Need for you to feel safe with safe people
• 49:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's why you are recreating some need or some family of origin experience in the present, which is a little inappropriate.
• 49:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: For those that are working with you, it's the motive is good.
• 49:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: But the outcome may not produce what you've hoped us.
• 49:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: And as you heal, figure out why do I need this safe space
• 49:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: is probably because you need it for yourself, but you think that they need it, too.
• 49:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Have you projected that onto everyone around you?
• 49:55
  [SPEAKER_03]: That they need it.
• 49:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: That they're going to love this little community.
• 49:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: 100%.
• 49:58
  [SPEAKER_03]: One of the values of the business is the family business.
• 50:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so because that's what Omar values.
• 50:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 50:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: But is it good for a business?
• 50:07
  [SPEAKER_03]: No, I mean, I'm learning it, not always.
• 50:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: But this is what the beauty is.
• 50:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: We bring ourselves to everything we do, right?
• 50:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like you bring yourself to your marriage, you bring yourself to your parenting, you bring yourself to your business.
• 50:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's why, which you recently spoke on one of your episodes was investing in you.
• 50:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so what we're even doing now is such a lift.
• 50:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Gonna be such a lift because one, first, it may not have solutions, but it has awareness.
• 50:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: that you are bringing family of origin into this space.
• 50:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's going to become more of your family of origin.
• 50:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your business will look like your family rather than the healthiest business you could ever possibly make.
• 50:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: So you have to figure out, how do I become healthy?
• 50:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: what is what do you want to bring in that's from family and what is it that you say you know what this isn't appropriate or I want to change this I want to heal this yeah and as you heal yourself your business will feel immediately every time I went to therapy
• 51:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: And in therapy, I'm in the therapy saying immediately, I have awareness and now I want to go fix it.
• 51:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I got, what do I need to do?
• 51:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would tell my therapist, what do I need to do?
• 51:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: What do I need to change right now?
• 51:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: What do I need to say to my kids?
• 51:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you know, she said nothing.
• 51:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Do not say anything to your kids.
• 51:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Kill yourself first and watch as you change you.
• 51:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: The whole system changes.
• 51:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: So this is a beautiful beginning of a process for you maybe even in the family of origin space is how and I know you've been doing your work for a long time.
• 51:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: But why are you that way?
• 51:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Why do you want to create a family here?
• 51:47
  [SPEAKER_03]: I think part of it is like, I feel like there's such a blessing in finding the joy and what and work.
• 51:53
  [SPEAKER_03]: And there's such a life work dynamic.
• 51:56
  [SPEAKER_03]: I don't like balance.
• 51:57
  [SPEAKER_03]: I like rhythm.
• 51:59
  [SPEAKER_03]: Like it's Sunday right now.
• 52:02
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I just hit a Bart and I was like, hey, you can shoot a podcast.
• 52:06
  [SPEAKER_03]: You know, he can say, no, uh, if he said no, he doesn't have a job.
• 52:11
  [SPEAKER_03]: No, no, no, I mean, it's just, I think because I feel like family's just down.
• 52:17
  [SPEAKER_03]: like that's what I need.
• 52:19
  [SPEAKER_03]: I don't feel like and I will say there I am jaded by the concept of leadership, vision and culture, jaded by it partially because visionary leaders use words to get the people moving and not always is it, you know.
• 52:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you feel manipulative,
• 52:36
  [SPEAKER_03]: Right, right, you know, and then also when it comes to leadership, it's like, I've learned that I've witnessed leadership isn't teaching on leadership leadership is the hard conversation.
• 52:48
  [SPEAKER_03]: Leadership is the thing that you're frustrated about with this person and you need to unpack it, you know, or whatever.
• 52:54
  [SPEAKER_03]: But I think it's because of that, I want a work-life play environment, and then yeah, and then the flip side is a safe place where, again, like, I am, I understand integrity is being the same person in every room, and like, the less there's gaps, the better, the more hold you're becoming.
• 53:24
  [SPEAKER_03]: building this company and not like a family business.
• 53:28
  [SPEAKER_03]: Then I'm going to have to start playing the vision game with people and start being like that.
• 53:36
  [SPEAKER_03]: And that's just what I witnessed growing up in ministry and full-time ministry and being a part of Sadie Light.
• 53:42
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I don't want to use
• 53:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I love that.
• 53:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think your motive is so, is so good and so right.
• 53:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think the concept and your why is actually quite appropriate.
• 54:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think there is a balance.
• 54:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think there's a both and and what you, you have experienced some, I think, leadership trauma.
• 54:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's same things have happened in your life.
• 54:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so what we do when we experience trauma, we reject.
• 54:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Whatever that was, and oftentimes we can throw out, right, the baby with bath water.
• 54:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: So there is some leadership in vision that might be necessary, but I think it can be in balance.
• 54:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: So the pendulum usually shifts, like, right, the pendulum is this way, and maybe the pendulum, but I think you're, what's so beautiful is your team is kind of helping you grow and saying to actually we need more of this.
• 54:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: So maybe the fam doesn't want to come in on a Sunday and do a pod because they actually are a film because they had plants.
• 54:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: So in a lot of in some ways that that approach works, but sometimes it violates other people's rights to a life.
• 54:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: and can be abusive in its own way, because your fam, how could you say no to family?
• 55:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that has its own manipulative factor, even though that's not your heart.
• 55:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: Well, yeah, I think what's interesting is I think we got past the money schema, but I think the current schema is like schedule like if Omar's in the conversation and people are like, let's get on the call.
• 55:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: She's like, oh, like, I don't want to, he doesn't, he has so much freedom.
• 55:24
  [SPEAKER_03]: Time and date and like escalator.
• 55:26
  [SPEAKER_03]: We start talking about putting it on the calendar.
• 55:29
  [SPEAKER_03]: I, the same with like the way it was with money.
• 55:31
  [SPEAKER_03]: I think the conversation.
• 55:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, yeah.
• 55:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's so interesting.
• 55:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: So we'll even talk because of like,
• 55:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: a little thing.
• 55:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm like, what's the time?
• 55:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: He's like, why do you care about the details?
• 55:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm like, that is a very important detail.
• 55:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's not, but I'm not asking what I'm going to wear.
• 55:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm asking what time.
• 55:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 55:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: Um, but there's something like around like, I'm afraid to devil bugs.
• 55:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: I love the freedom that it's also.
• 55:52
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm afraid to let people down.
• 55:53
  [SPEAKER_03]: Totally.
• 55:54
  [SPEAKER_03]: Somebody has to be told no.
• 55:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
• 55:56
  [SPEAKER_03]: Um, I built my, I built.
• 55:59
  [SPEAKER_03]: by the grace of God, we've built this by leveraging opportunity, like being available to say yes to things.
• 56:06
  [SPEAKER_03]: And so I like to keep that open-handed.
• 56:09
  [SPEAKER_03]: But again, it doesn't serve everybody because it comes out of costs of other people's, like, clarity or, I mean, yeah, Sophie, who works for us, like, I'm like, I'll send a screenshot of a midway conversation and just text it to her, but there's something about calendar.
• 56:26
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, that I'm just like,
• 56:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, that's a trigger and that is, there's listen, we're weird for a reason.
• 56:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: We, we, we, we, real life experiences have shaped us.
• 56:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's not, um, we're not a mystery.
• 56:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: The mystery is finding out the why we are, but you have been formed.
• 56:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so what's so beautiful even about what you're saying today is so I think.
• 56:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: calming I think for your team because they're like okay we know what's we know the why there's compassion and then you can work together okay how do we do this how do you to work out the calendaring because he's like I'm out you're like I need to functionally move forward in our lives there's more than just you so there's the bigger picture but this is where healing comes from and we're all on the journey
• 57:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think you guys are having the hard conversations, even what you shared, this is part of that.
• 57:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that is growth.
• 57:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 57:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: It is growth.
• 57:26
  [SPEAKER_03]: Who's like the most perfect person you've ever met?
• 57:29
  [SPEAKER_03]: Like, like, dang dude, you just did the work on yourself, you guys.
• 57:32
  [SPEAKER_03]: You are healthy whole.
• 57:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Do not.
• 57:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 57:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I'm going to say this and, oh man, he's going to make, he's going to
• 57:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love him.
• 57:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hate him all the same time.
• 57:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, why does he have to be so like Christlike.
• 57:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: He makes me so mad.
• 57:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's a mysterious kid.
• 57:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: He grew up on the mystery field.
• 57:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: But he's so smart, brilliant, well-read, intellectual, loving,
• 58:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: all the things.
• 58:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's he's so convicting.
• 58:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: But all of those things I would say is because he has secure attachment.
• 58:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: He had a wonderful parents.
• 58:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: This isn't because he went and did all the like you send me to Tony Robbins send me to Mel Robbins send me to all the things I am here for all of the professional development.
• 58:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that that that changed my life.
• 58:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: All of the things but I wasn't raised the same way.
• 58:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm I always have to say sorry you chose me.
• 58:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: We have very
• 58:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am a beneficiary of his life and like I am a joint heir.
• 58:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like I am now grafted in and I am now a richie and I get to glean and as he imparts to me all the health of his life.
• 58:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now only through his modeling but through I believe a spiritual mystery.
• 58:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: I but do I choose it.
• 58:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Do I choose the way of life and the conviction and the self-pruning that I've had to do of
• 59:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: of how we function and, oh, I've had so much self-pruning.
• 59:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, this is painful.
• 59:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Isn't this painful to have to change?
• 59:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, isn't it painful to have to not apologize?
• 59:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 59:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Good.
• 59:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: It has to hurt.
• 59:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: But then there will be a time when it doesn't hurt.
• 59:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then it will be a time when you don't even realize you're not apologizing for everything.
• 59:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: But so I just have to give shout out to my husband, Jack Ritchie, he is the best, he raised the best kids.
• 59:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he always says, Angie, you did it too, but I honestly, I used to think I was everything that I had to think I was nothing.
• 59:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, I think balance of that, you know what?
• 59:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: I did contribute some good things.
• 59:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: But he's the, and I think you guys, you have such good qualities, and together, you make the whole.
• 59:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so you feel in each other's gaps.
• 59:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I think one, give each other a lot more props, appreciate each other a lot more.
• 1:00:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 1:00:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because you all are more close to perfect than you realize, focus on the positive, not just the negative, but also challenge each other hard core and be hard core accountability.
• 1:00:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: So your triggers, the calendar, sorry, Omar, you're gonna have to calendar.
• 1:00:18
  [SPEAKER_03]: Opposite action.
• 1:00:19
  [SPEAKER_03]: opposite action just baby step call at to be him tomorrow yeah and show up at two yeah it's really good um i like to have people on more than once so uh would like to have you one again i'd love to be on again and i don't know put somebody else in the hot seat instead of me in Amanda
• 1:00:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: You guys went there.
• 1:00:40
  [SPEAKER_03]: I honestly, it's, yes, it's growth.
• 1:00:44
  [SPEAKER_03]: Our growth change, like all that stuff.
• 1:00:45
  [SPEAKER_03]: But I've, I've, my philosophy has become the faster I get to it, the faster I fix, the better I am for the longer fall and, yeah, I mean, the ever pursuit to become more and more like Christ, which is to kind of just remove what's added.
• 1:01:02
  [SPEAKER_03]: Everything we're talking about is just added.
• 1:01:03
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's nothing.
• 1:01:04
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's not who we really are.
• 1:01:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
• 1:01:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're becoming.
• 1:01:08
  [SPEAKER_03]: Just, I mean, I don't like using the phrase as we rap, as I say as we rap, because it tells people that to start mentally checking out.
• 1:01:17
  [SPEAKER_03]: When we could go for another 10 minutes and you don't know that.
• 1:01:21
  [SPEAKER_03]: But you would think the sanctification process of a believer
• 1:01:29
  [SPEAKER_03]: like this happens and God does the work.
• 1:01:33
  [SPEAKER_03]: Like can you just be very honest and transparent about the work?
• 1:01:38
  [SPEAKER_03]: God's not actually going to do just supernaturally that it will have to be done through human interaction.
• 1:01:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is all participation.
• 1:01:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Unfortunately, people are
• 1:01:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, manipulate to believe that they just make a decision for Christ and he, again, the oldest gone, the newest come or new creations.
• 1:02:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let me just tell you, you're going to wake up the next day, you're the same person.
• 1:02:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're just, you have the Holy Spirit, you have help, you have you have the blood of Christ over, you know, on you, you are, I mean, when the Father sees you, you are perfect, but let me tell you your partner will not think you're perfect.
• 1:02:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so this is what I would say, you literally have to be born again.
• 1:02:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm telling you, born again means learn how to walk again, talk again, relate again, you have to learn how to think again.
• 1:02:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like we are literally, we are in brokenness.
• 1:02:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to say we're broken because we are whole in Christ, but we have to heal our brokenness.
• 1:02:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: We have to
• 1:02:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: become whole.
• 1:02:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that means doing everything.
• 1:02:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: You have to learn, unlearn everything you learned from, like, probably one years old.
• 1:02:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Probably in the womb, your parents are probably arguing while you are in the womb and you are taking in the energy.
• 1:02:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: We can hear, I think, it just, like, eight to 12 weeks justation.
• 1:02:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can hear outside the womb.
• 1:02:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: So let me just say,
• 1:03:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: it is an unlearning process.
• 1:03:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: We have to be born again.
• 1:03:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wish we could get into the business of being born again.
• 1:03:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's why coaching, pastoral care and therapy are all necessary for human flourishing.
• 1:03:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 1:03:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the body of Christ's community, like you will not be whole without each other.
• 1:03:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry.
• 1:03:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: You may outgrow each other and think peace out.
• 1:03:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let me tell you, you've just lost one of your greatest assets.
• 1:03:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 1:03:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is that person that's going to call you
• 1:03:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: to deeper, higher, all the things.
• 1:03:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I would say, be born again, and this is the work.
• 1:03:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is the work of salvation that the day you become saved is day that you get to work, but thank God for the Holy Spirit, thank God for deliverance.
• 1:03:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Listen, you can do the work also.
• 1:03:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Body Mind Soul, but you also need to break generational curses.
• 1:03:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: You need patterns from your spirits that come
• 1:04:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I don't really do therapy without understanding that because you're dealing with a whole spiritual dynamic.
• 1:04:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we need to participate with a Holy Spirit and heal ourselves with God, with community.
• 1:04:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: And let me tell you, we're running out of time so get to work and you guys have started.
• 1:04:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I don't know if I can flip the
• 1:04:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: This could be true, but I want to ask you what in this time together has to do up the most for each of you?
• 1:04:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: What is going on for you?
• 1:04:32
  [SPEAKER_03]: The first thing is just grab my hand.
• 1:04:35
  [SPEAKER_03]: No, like literally this, like just that's the only thing I care about right now.
• 1:04:38
  [SPEAKER_03]: I guess I just want to be better at that.
• 1:04:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's, you are literally, you were an unconscious incompetence.
• 1:04:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's the learning, the learning cycle.
• 1:04:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: You were an unconscious incompetent that you don't touch.
• 1:04:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're now consciously incompetent.
• 1:04:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's like you, you are consciously aware that you suck.
• 1:04:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Attaching each other.
• 1:04:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And now you are consciously going to be, you need to be consciously incompetent for a long time.
• 1:05:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: You like, until you are, you're going to be consciously competent, meaning tonight.
• 1:05:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're going to start touching.
• 1:05:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're going to start holding hands.
• 1:05:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're going to start walking every time you walk by each other.
• 1:05:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: wrap, wrap their shoulder back of their hand, but I don't even care just touch.
• 1:05:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you are together on a date, you need to touch.
• 1:05:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your kids need to see you touching.
• 1:05:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hugging, through your second hug,
• 1:05:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: six-second kiss, build into that and we'll have it overnight.
• 1:05:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: But you will be consciously incompetent and then you will be consciously competent.
• 1:05:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're going to be aware.
• 1:05:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're doing it, guys.
• 1:05:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: I need you to celebrate yourselves.
• 1:05:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then you will be unconsciously competent.
• 1:05:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: You are going to be like,
• 1:05:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: you don't even realize you're touching your and all of a sudden you're like we're healing our childhoods like you're not just healing the moment.
• 1:05:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Do you understand you're healing probably your life your parents life.
• 1:06:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would venture to say this goes on throughout the bloodline.
• 1:06:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: Do you know like his parents?
• 1:06:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't.
• 1:06:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: So his mom is Filipina.
• 1:06:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: And she came here for college.
• 1:06:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: And she met his dad who came here from Saudi Arabia.
• 1:06:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: Who came here for college?
• 1:06:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Wow.
• 1:06:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: And like, mom has gone back to the Philippines.
• 1:06:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: A lot of pop-up never got to go back home.
• 1:06:24
  [SPEAKER_02]: So like, he came to America.
• 1:06:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: Cut off this was his life.
• 1:06:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 1:06:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: And just, I mean, he was raised.
• 1:06:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: Muslim like what he saw from his parents he had only like I can't imagine there was probably no touching in their house right you know and I think mama's parents were maybe more affectionate but it's their family is like a real case study because
• 1:06:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: Did they touch it?
• 1:06:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: The siblings are so close.
• 1:06:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: They're so, like, you are so close to them, but I don't know where that came from, because it definitely didn't come from your parents.
• 1:06:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: No, I didn't.
• 1:06:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's so interesting.
• 1:06:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's freaking amazing.
• 1:06:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm like, let's go back to that family of words.
• 1:07:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: So this, what you are talking about and how you know each other's family of origin, this is key to your marriage.
• 1:07:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: Totally.
• 1:07:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: and knowing each other, and knowing the why.
• 1:07:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: But it's, and it's so obvious why.
• 1:07:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 1:07:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: So the touching, the hand holding, that's your doing it.
• 1:07:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: And now you have a lot of accountability, and everyone's gonna be on a case.
• 1:07:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Amanda, what about you?
• 1:07:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: What was the most?
• 1:07:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: Just this opposite action.
• 1:07:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: I did a few sessions of therapy before I had wrestle and that was a big thing that she I'm like, oh my god, I didn't really learn the lot because I didn't do it until today But that like every thought whatever I want to do I'm gonna do the opposite because even a lot of times
• 1:07:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'll avoid conflict in just like procrastinating, you know, like I'll not do something hard because I just don't So the I'll just do it do it right now.
• 1:07:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, actually you're phone and do it You it's like you're in the fitness right now You have to understand you have to go into the fitness of the brain Yes, and you have to stay shape yourself with change to behavior.
• 1:08:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Opposite action has to be you have to do it often every day
• 1:08:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: and you're gonna do it.
• 1:08:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, you guys, amazing.
• 1:08:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
• 1:08:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: So much fun.
• 1:08:18
  [SPEAKER_03]: How do people connect with you and give you money?
• 1:08:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I have to raise my rates.
• 1:08:25
  [SPEAKER_03]: All right, cool.
• 1:08:27
  [SPEAKER_03]: We'll put a link in the description.
• 1:08:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, I have a website.
• 1:08:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: But the thing is, it's, I'm so full.
• 1:08:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm so busy.
• 1:08:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, for sure.
• 1:08:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'd love to come back and have more.
• 1:08:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'd like to go deeper with you guys.
• 1:08:36
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, I would be really fun.
• 1:08:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Just fun.
• 1:08:38
  [SPEAKER_03]: Shout out to, if you're still listening or watching, you're welcome.
• 1:08:43
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I just hope that whatever you're building, you're prioritizing this because if not, you're just going to build it off of,
• 1:08:53
  [SPEAKER_03]: Like they say, if you're hurting, you'll just bleed on everybody.
• 1:08:59
  [SPEAKER_03]: That's right.
• 1:09:00
  [SPEAKER_03]: And so you're literally going to build an empire that's just bloody.
• 1:09:04
  [SPEAKER_03]: And that's a terrible image, but it's real.
• 1:09:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
• 1:09:09
  [SPEAKER_03]: It'll be harder to unpack as opposed to getting in front of it.
• 1:09:11
  [SPEAKER_03]: So grateful for you.
• 1:09:13
  [SPEAKER_03]: Thank you for what you do.
• 1:09:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Humble.
• 1:09:14
  [SPEAKER_03]: You're being the most interesting human being on this one.
• 1:09:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, you too.
• 1:09:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: An honor.
• 1:09:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Truly.