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Transcript

Why You Should Stop Checking Your Abusive Ex's Social Media · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:01
  So you told yourself you were done.
• 0:04
  You promised your family and friends that you're not going to
• 0:07
  reach out to them again like you promised them.
• 0:10
  You said that you told them the words.
• 0:12
  But guess what? Here you are, 2:30 in the
• 0:15
  morning, looking at their social media from a burner account,
• 0:19
  peeking at their Instagram from a burner account.
• 0:21
  You're not healing, you're pain shopping.
• 0:25
  And as a diagnosed narcissist, I'm going to give you the
• 0:28
  straight truth right here. Y'all, one of the most dangerous
• 0:30
  things that you can do as a survivor or a thriver that's
• 0:33
  trying to heal from a narcissist, one of the worst
• 0:35
  things you can do in the healing process is to keep looking at
• 0:38
  their social media. It brings you no peace.
• 0:42
  Like you think, you might think that you're gathering evidence,
• 0:45
  but what you're actually doing is re traumatizing yourself.
• 0:48
  You're making your you're doing this to yourself again.
• 0:50
  You're hurting yourself. You're going paint shopping,
• 0:52
  looking for something that's going to hurt you.
• 0:56
  We breaking it down today, y'all, We break it down why your
• 0:59
  brain is addicted to the hurt and why how we use how US as
• 1:03
  narcissists use our social media to keep you trapped in this pain
• 1:07
  shopping mode to keep you coming back to the pain store to pain
• 1:12
  Walmart right and what's going on beautiful people.
• 1:16
  If you don't know me, I'm Lee Hammock.
• 1:17
  I'm a diagnosed narcissist here to help you understand the mind
• 1:20
  of a narcissist and welcome to another episode of the
• 1:23
  narcissist code. Y'all seriously man, let's pop
• 1:26
  right into it man. Pain shopping, looking at their
• 1:30
  stuff, looking at the social media for what?
• 1:33
  Why ask her something question right here, y'all, Why did you
• 1:37
  do it? I thought you type it in the
• 1:38
  comment section right now. Why are you paying shopping?
• 1:41
  Why are you peeking at their social media?
• 1:43
  Go you back. OK cool, cool, cool.
• 1:49
  Most people are doing it because the relationship ended without
• 1:52
  closure, right? It didn't end how you thought it
• 1:55
  would end. Like you have hoes in the story,
• 1:58
  your story, their story and you think that their Facebook, their
• 2:01
  Instagram, their TikTok, their Snapchat, their Reddit, their
• 2:04
  LinkedIn, their Zoosk, their whatever social media.
• 2:09
  You think that social media will provide you some answers that it
• 2:12
  will help you find the find the final missing puzzle piece.
• 2:16
  But that's not how it goes, y'all.
• 2:20
  Typically when people are going paint shopping, they're looking
• 2:23
  for one or two things. The first thing they're looking
• 2:26
  for is proof that the person that left you or hurt you is
• 2:30
  miserable. And and by by by by looking for
• 2:36
  that, what you're really looking for is the fact that you
• 2:40
  mattered. Everybody wants to matter.
• 2:41
  Let's get that out the way right now.
• 2:43
  Everybody wants to matter. Everybody wants to know that
• 2:47
  they mattered, right? You don't want this person to
• 2:50
  get away and just move on and just forget about you like you
• 2:53
  were nothing. You want to mean something to
• 2:55
  someone and that's OK. You're a human being.
• 2:58
  Why wouldn't you want to mean something to someone?
• 3:01
  Why wouldn't you want to do that?
• 3:03
  You're a human you of course you want to mean something to
• 3:06
  someone. Why wouldn't you?
• 3:08
  You know what I'm saying? That's understandable.
• 3:10
  This second thing that people are typically typically looking
• 3:13
  for on their social media when they're going paint shopping is
• 3:17
  you looking for proof that they are happy, like to validate your
• 3:21
  fear that you were the problem. That's crazy, ain't it?
• 3:25
  You looking for proof that they were happy to validate your own
• 3:28
  fear that you were their problem.
• 3:30
  Their happiness does not mean that you were the problem They
• 3:35
  bought like, yeah, it's it really is their happiness does
• 3:39
  not mean that you the problem. I want you to say that to
• 3:41
  yourself right now or type it in the comment section.
• 3:43
  Drop it. Drop an emoji in the comment
• 3:45
  section. The little praying hands that
• 3:47
  you type the word Amen, AM EN and the praying hands will come
• 3:51
  up. Drop it in the comment section
• 3:52
  right now. Dropping the conversation
• 3:54
  because their happiness is not does not mean that you are the
• 3:57
  problem. Yeah, you got to think about it
• 4:01
  all like if it were me in this situation, as as most
• 4:05
  narcissists do, we live our lives on social media like our
• 4:10
  exes are watching We do. So if you find out that if you
• 4:16
  looking like no matter what were you looking at their social
• 4:19
  media, you lose. If they look sad, you end up
• 4:23
  wanting to rescue them. If they're unhappy, you want to
• 4:26
  help them heal. You want to make them feel
• 4:28
  better because you care. You haven't stopped carrying you
• 4:30
  an impact, right? You're highly empathetic person.
• 4:33
  You care you you love them. You might not look, your
• 4:36
  feelings are have not been turned off, right?
• 4:38
  Your feelings have not been turned off.
• 4:39
  There's not a little light switch you can turn your
• 4:41
  feelings off with, right? You got to think about like
• 4:43
  that. If they're sad, you want to
• 4:45
  rescue them. If they're happy, you feel
• 4:48
  worthless. That's wild.
• 4:50
  You're shopping for a feeling, but you're buy what you're
• 4:53
  buying is more time in the trauma bond buyer buyer.
• 5:04
  That's true. That's real.
• 5:05
  Well, tell me that ain't real though.
• 5:06
  You're shopping. Look, you're buying if you're
• 5:08
  you're going shopping for y'all. I tell you this all the time,
• 5:12
  y'all really realistically, it's all lies.
• 5:17
  Social media, the narcissistic type of the toxic stuff that's
• 5:20
  going on, it's all lies. It's curated, y'all.
• 5:24
  I live my life like you're watching.
• 5:27
  Even if you're not, even if you look.
• 5:29
  This is what I'm telling myself in the head, in my head, in my,
• 5:32
  in the mind of a narcissist. I'm telling myself that I was
• 5:34
  the best you're ever going to get.
• 5:36
  I'm telling myself that you're watching my social media.
• 5:39
  So guess what? I'm going to put on a show.
• 5:42
  I'm going to put on a happy show or sad show depending on who you
• 5:46
  are. It's not always faking
• 5:47
  happiness. I could fake sadness too to get
• 5:50
  you to reach out. Oh my.
• 5:51
  Goodness, I never thought this pain was.
• 5:53
  I never thought I'd feel a pain like this.
• 5:55
  Before guess what? Ring, ring.
• 5:57
  It's you. I'm right here smiling.
• 6:03
  That's a crazy space with it. But that's what Yeah, that
• 6:05
  really. It really is how the mind of a
• 6:09
  narcissistic person works right there.
• 6:11
  You have to think about it, take it in stride like the the
• 6:16
  narcissist social media, I'm going to use a word there's I'm
• 6:19
  going to use the word there's big in today's society
• 6:22
  propaganda because that's what the narcissist show social media
• 6:24
  is. It's propaganda.
• 6:26
  It's narcissistic propaganda. If I post a photo with a New
• 6:30
  Girl or I post a photo with a new boy or whatever, I'm a
• 6:33
  narcissist, right Within two weeks after we broke up is not
• 6:37
  because I'm in love. I think you're watching me.
• 6:41
  I'm using this new person to hurt you.
• 6:43
  So guess what? You did matter.
• 6:45
  It's crazy, but you did matter. You matter so much.
• 6:48
  I got to post my new love. Take that for what it is block
• 6:53
  them after that. Y'all know there's so many
• 6:56
  people. This is this kind of crazy.
• 6:58
  This used to be one of my main topics in my my support group,
• 7:02
  the mental healers, right? One of my main topics was
• 7:06
  literally paint shopping because we had some some people that are
• 7:10
  who just like I look today and I'm hurt.
• 7:12
  I look today I'm hurt, I'm sad. I'm like, you got to stop
• 7:15
  looking. You have to find a reason this
• 7:18
  validates you outside this relationship to stop looking.
• 7:21
  You mattered, right? You did.
• 7:24
  So that's what I'm saying like they know how to trigger you.
• 7:26
  A narcissist knows what sets you off.
• 7:28
  They study you right? They know everything about you.
• 7:30
  So it's not just pictures and videos.
• 7:32
  Sometimes they'll make sub tweets they'll use like subtle,
• 7:36
  they'll they, they'll kind of back.
• 7:37
  It's kind of like a backhanded thing to get you, right?
• 7:40
  They'll drop subtle compliments or subtle videos or subtle posts
• 7:43
  or subtle memes, subtle song lyrics, and you know that
• 7:47
  they're targeted towards you, right?
• 7:49
  Stuff that only you would understand.
• 7:51
  It's like dog whistling, but on social media.
• 7:54
  It's like things that I know you're looking for.
• 7:56
  If I'm assuming that you're watching me, I'm thinking that
• 7:58
  you're going to see this. So I'm trying to set you off.
• 8:01
  I really AM. And guess what?
• 8:03
  That keeps you hooked, That keeps you in this zone right
• 8:07
  here, right that keeps you in the zone, because think about it
• 8:10
  right here, y'all. How do I say this sounded crazy
• 8:17
  in the in our actuality, Don't please y'all y'all know y'all
• 8:20
  know I carry y'all know I love y'all, not trying to hurt your
• 8:22
  feelings right here, but paint shopping could be considered a
• 8:25
  form of digital self harm, right?
• 8:28
  It really could be because checking that page, checking
• 8:32
  that, checking that TikTok, their Instagram, their Twitter,
• 8:35
  whatever it is, checking that page gives you a massive spike
• 8:38
  of adrenaline and cortisol, right?
• 8:40
  It spikes your adrenaline and cortisol because it's stress.
• 8:44
  You feel something and you get stressed.
• 8:45
  Your brain has become addicted to the high stress rush of the
• 8:49
  narcissist. So looking over there gives you
• 8:52
  something. You get a hit of something.
• 8:53
  You get to feel something you wouldn't.
• 8:54
  Let's just say you I understand paint shopping y'all.
• 8:57
  Let's say I used to paint shop with my my ex narcissistic woman
• 9:00
  broke over me. Guess what I used to paint shop
• 9:02
  like hell. I've been looking for something.
• 9:05
  I usually I, I was addicted to looking.
• 9:07
  It's kind of like I wanted to hurt myself sometimes, right?
• 9:09
  It's just like I want to feel something.
• 9:11
  I'm hurt, I'm lost. I don't feel anything.
• 9:13
  I'm in a I'm in a dark place. I need to feel something.
• 9:17
  So sometimes I will go look at her social media because I knew
• 9:20
  something was going to hurt me and that made me feel alive.
• 9:23
  Could that be what's going on with you right here?
• 9:25
  Could this be something that you're facing that you're
• 9:27
  fighting right now? Could you could you be feeling
• 9:29
  alive? You know what I'm saying?
• 9:31
  That's the mentality right there.
• 9:32
  Y'all that really is So paint shopping is a form of digital,
• 9:36
  digital self harm. And like even sometimes even if
• 9:40
  it hurts, it feels familiar. Like peace feels boring to you
• 9:44
  right now because your nervous system is out of whack.
• 9:46
  It's your nervous system is fried.
• 9:48
  So peace feels boring. Silence is boring.
• 9:51
  When you get silent, you're in a dark room by yourself at night.
• 9:55
  You start hearing voices. Facebook, who said that?
• 10:00
  Instagram what Chad who said that OK, I'm going to sleep Ted
• 10:09
  Taco Oh my God, your *** Guess what you you pulling out TikTok.
• 10:15
  You see how that works right there man, it really is a wild
• 10:18
  bicep, but that's what ends up happening right there.
• 10:21
  Y'all You keep opening the wound over and over because in A twist
• 10:24
  away, the pain is the only thing keeping you connected to that
• 10:26
  narcissist sometimes, so it's time to disconnect.
• 10:29
  It really is. You have to close.
• 10:31
  You have to stop going shopping. It's time to retire the pain
• 10:35
  shopping cart. It really is.
• 10:37
  You have to stop being a customer to the narcissistic
• 10:40
  pain store, narcissistic Walmart, narcissistic Dollar
• 10:44
  General, dollar narcissist, whatever you want to call it,
• 10:46
  narcissist general. Oh, there it is.
• 10:48
  No, it sucks. It sucks right there down there
• 10:51
  every time. Every time you click that
• 10:55
  profile, you do reset your healing journey, right?
• 10:58
  I know that a lot of people think that you're no contact
• 11:01
  because you haven't talked to them, you haven't seen them, you
• 11:03
  haven't spoke to them in person, but looking at their social
• 11:05
  media is breaking no contact. Y'all, you got to stop looking.
• 11:08
  It really is because you're kind of like technically one of the
• 11:10
  people used to be in my group, she's healed and she left the
• 11:13
  group. That's cool, good for good for
• 11:14
  her, right? One of the people who left my
• 11:17
  group, she literally used to accidentally, accidentally like
• 11:21
  stuff. And that would definitely bring
• 11:23
  no contact because then her ex would reach out to her and it
• 11:25
  was just the whole process over. Hey, y'all want to see more
• 11:28
  about my group, my mental illness, my mental illness
• 11:30
  support group? You can find more about that at
• 11:32
  mentalillness.net. Y'all Scroll down courses,
• 11:35
  coaching and stuff like that. Like seriously, you have to
• 11:40
  determine like before you reach out to that narcissistic
• 11:42
  partner, you know, sidebar y'all, you know, come on in
• 11:44
  here. Before you reach out to them or
• 11:48
  before you check their social media, you have to ask yourself,
• 11:53
  what am I looking for? What is it?
• 11:56
  What exactly am I looking at? What am I peeking at?
• 11:59
  Right? What, what, what, what's the
• 12:01
  goal here? Nothing you see on there is
• 12:04
  going to make you feel better. I promise you it won't.
• 12:07
  Like I said earlier, even if they're hurting, you might feel
• 12:11
  bad. Even if they're doing bad, you
• 12:13
  might feel sad. Even if they're going through
• 12:14
  it. People in my comments, people in
• 12:17
  my group, they used to say, well, I saw their profile
• 12:19
  picture and their profile picture looks sad.
• 12:20
  It makes me want to reach out. Just seeing their profile
• 12:23
  picture made them sad, you know what I'm saying?
• 12:26
  Going paint shopping. They didn't.
• 12:27
  They didn't make to the profile. They said a profile picture in
• 12:30
  in paint shops. You see what I'm saying?
• 12:33
  There's nothing on the social media that's going to make you
• 12:35
  feel good. You feel good from the inside
• 12:36
  out. You feel good by joining groups.
• 12:38
  You don't have to join my group. Join anybody's group.
• 12:40
  Lisa Sunny has a support group. Sinful has a support group.
• 12:46
  How to Love a Battered woman. Me and Renee has a support
• 12:48
  group. Everybody has support group.
• 12:49
  You don't have to join mine. I promise you, I want you to.
• 12:51
  I want you to heal, even if it's not with me, you know what I'm
• 12:54
  saying? I do.
• 12:55
  I truly, truly do. I want you to heal even if it's
• 12:58
  not with me. You can take one of my courses,
• 13:00
  50% off mental illness.net into the code.
• 13:03
  Mothers or fathers get 50% off my courses and whatnot.
• 13:07
  Join the support group y'all. Just ask yourself that question
• 13:09
  right there. What am I looking for?
• 13:10
  It can't be nothing. The answer cannot be nothing.
• 13:13
  You can't say nothing. I'm not looking for anything.
• 13:15
  But you are. You are.
• 13:17
  What are you getting from this? Nothing.
• 13:18
  You can't. You are or you wouldn't be
• 13:20
  looking. You know what I'm saying?
• 13:22
  Image, I've made it this far. Make sure you hit that subscribe
• 13:24
  button and I'm out please.