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Why Your ADHD Child Lies (And What to Do Instead of Punishing It) · Raising ADHD: Real Talk For Parents & Educators

• 0:00
  Apryl: If you've ever looked at your child and thought, why are you lying to me right now?
• 0:04
  Apryl: This episode is for you because when ADHD kids lie, it doesn't mean what we've been taught it means.
• 0:09
  Apryl: And if we treat it like a character flaw, we actually make the problem worse.
• 0:14
  Apryl: Welcome to Raising ADHD, the podcast for parents and teachers raising ADHD kids.
• 0:20
  Apryl: If you've ever felt frustrated, overwhelmed, or just unsure what to do next, you're not alone.
• 0:26
  Apryl: I'm April Bradford, a former teacher and ADHD mom, and alongside my husband, Dr.
• 0:32
  Apryl: Brian Bradford, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, we're here to give you the clarity, strategies, and support you've been looking for.
• 0:39
  Apryl: Every week we break down the misconceptions, answer your biggest questions, and share real tools you can use right away at home and in the classroom.
• 0:48
  Apryl: So if you're ready to feel more confident and less overwhelmed, you're in the right place.
• 0:53
  Apryl: Hey there, welcome back to Raising ADHD.
• 0:56
  Apryl: My name is April Bradford, former teacher, mom and wife to ADHDers, and we are here to date with Dr.
• 1:06
  Apryl: Brian Bradford.
• 1:07
  Apryl: Hello, Brian.
• 1:09
  Brian: Hey April.
• 1:10
  Apryl: Okay, today we are talking about lying, why kids with ADHD do it, what the research actually says, and what helps instead of escalating shame and power struggles.
• 1:23
  Apryl: So, Brian, I have seen this so often recently in Facebook groups.
• 1:30
  Apryl: Parents are really scared when lying shows up, and they worry it means that their kids are trying to manipulate them, they're dishonest, or it's something deeper, like something's morally wrong with their child.
• 1:42
  Apryl: So, from a clinical and research standpoint, what does lying usually represent in kids with ADHD?
• 1:48
  Brian: Right.
• 1:49
  Brian: So with this, so the research is fairly consistent here.
• 1:51
  Brian: And this is a lot of behaviors, not just lying.
• 1:54
  Brian: But anytime a child with ADHD lies, the vast majority of the time, this is a coping strategy.
• 2:01
  Brian: They're they're coping or adapting to their environment.
• 2:04
  Brian: They're not, this is not a moral failing.
• 2:07
  Brian: This is not a you're just an evil child.
• 2:09
  Brian: So kids with ADHD don't lie because they're dishonest.
• 2:13
  Brian: They lie because their brains are trying to manage situations.
• 2:17
  Brian: And so they get into this, it's like, wait, I'm now overwhelmed, I'm threatened, I need to do a quick analysis.
• 2:24
  Brian: It's worth it to lie right here to get out of this than it is to face the consequences.
• 2:30
  Apryl: Okay, so Brian, can you help parents understand what's happening neurologically in these moments?
• 2:36
  Brian: Sure.
• 2:37
  Brian: So ADHD involves differences in the brain systems that are responsible for things like impulse control and planning and emotional regulation, especially in the prefrontal cortex.
• 2:50
  Brian: So also dopamine levels are lower.
• 2:52
  Brian: And so this affects the brain's ability to pause or to evaluate consequences and to choose a better response.
• 3:01
  Brian: So when a child with ADHD is confronted, the brain doesn't slow things down in time and it and it's instead it's in panic mode and it's what needs to come out.
• 3:11
  Brian: Oftentimes that's a lie.
• 3:14
  Brian: So the child maybe has to be a process if this is true or not.
• 3:18
  Brian: It's this is what gets me the result I need right at this very second.
• 3:23
  Brian: This isn't about values, this is about navigating their environment.
• 3:27
  Apryl: Yeah, it's literally like their brain can't like break for a moment and think about everything that's going on.
• 3:34
  Apryl: So that explains why when parents say it was just like it just came out of their mouth, they didn't even think about it.
• 3:41
  Apryl: Like, literally, that's what happened.
• 3:43
  Brian: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
• 3:45
  Brian: So impulsivity is one of the strongest predictors of lying behavior in kids with ADHD.
• 3:51
  Brian: So when we do the research, it shows that impulsivity is linked to short-term thinking.
• 3:56
  Brian: The child's trying to escape the immediate discomfort.
• 3:59
  Brian: This is very uncomfortable.
• 4:00
  Brian: And the only thing that matters in life is that this ends.
• 4:04
  Brian: It doesn't matter what the long-term consequences are.
• 4:06
  Brian: And so if a lie gets me out of this immediate discomfort, great, we'll deal with it later.
• 4:13
  Brian: And so another thing that happens with ADHD, once the lie's out, the kid now feels trapped.
• 4:18
  Brian: So now they're managing the original mistake and the fear of being in trouble for lying.
• 4:22
  Brian: So I mean it's it's compounding on top of each other, but the brain moved way too fast to think about this beforehand.
• 4:29
  Apryl: Yeah, so it's like this spiral of, oh crap, I did something wrong.
• 4:34
  Apryl: I'm gonna lie about it.
• 4:35
  Apryl: Well crap, now I've lied about it.
• 4:36
  Apryl: Now I gotta lie about the lie.
• 4:38
  Apryl: Like it's just, I'm sure you've seen this very.
• 4:41
  Apryl: Yes, exactly.
• 4:43
  Apryl: So um another interesting thing is uh this is actually talked about in Attitude magazine, is magical thinking.
• 4:51
  Apryl: And it's this idea that if they say it didn't happen, that maybe it didn't.
• 4:56
  Apryl: Why does magical thinking last longer?
• 4:59
  Apryl: Um, for example, like age-wise last longer for kids with ADHD?
• 5:04
  Brian: Sure.
• 5:05
  Brian: So with with the ADHD kids, they're behind, like their emotional development is behind the chronological age.
• 5:12
  Brian: And so a lot of things like magical thinking or just wishing that if I think something, it'll just kind of go away, that can persist longer than it will in like a neurotypical kid.
• 5:24
  Brian: So after an impulsive action, they immediately regret it.
• 5:28
  Brian: And denying it allows the child to imagine that the mistake disappears.
• 5:32
  Brian: So instead of being manipulation, it's if I say it didn't happen, maybe things will just kind of magically go away.
• 5:38
  Brian: It's really just like it's immature emotional processing, is really what it is.
• 5:42
  Apryl: Okay, so I want parents to hear that again.
• 5:46
  Apryl: It's not your child trying to manipulate you, it's them, like literally the impulse control, the lack of being able to break and think about what's happening, and then this magical thinking, the emotional development delay, they're immature in this.
• 6:06
  Apryl: So next time your kid lies, like stop and think about that instead of being like, oh my gosh, they always lie and they're trying to manipulate me.
• 6:14
  Brian: Um so to go along with that, you have to we have this thought of like, well, no, my child's different.
• 6:20
  Brian: Like, my child's a psychopath.
• 6:21
  Brian: My child actually does lie.
• 6:23
  Brian: Like, like you should see how good my child is at lying.
• 6:27
  Brian: But that again is a coping strategy.
• 6:30
  Brian: So they've lied to like get out of that immediate thing, and then they've built up like coping ways to cope with that lie.
• 6:39
  Brian: And so that comes off as no, they're like, they're well planned out.
• 6:43
  Brian: They are they're like serial killer liars.
• 6:45
  Brian: No, they are not, they are not like that.
• 6:47
  Brian: All that that is that that's another skill they've learned to deal with the lies, and the lie initially came out as impulsivity.
• 6:54
  Brian: Like the these are all like explained by ADHD symptoms.
• 6:58
  Brian: I now have impulsivity.
• 6:59
  Brian: The impulsivity got me lying more and more and more, and now that I'm lying more and more, I've dealt up ways to deal with it, which is deception and other things.
• 7:10
  Apryl: So with that, then it sounds like lying as the kids age, it more becomes just a habit of okay, when they were little it was the impulse control, but now it's kind of the habit of doing it.
• 7:30
  Apryl: Would you agree or disagree with that?
• 7:32
  Brian: Oh, I don't know if I'd use the word habit as much as like uh like the strategies that they've used to to cope with the world.
• 7:40
  Brian: Which is a lot of just human behavior in general, is is the strategies we've all developed to cope.
• 7:45
  Apryl: It's a coping mechanism.
• 7:46
  Apryl: Okay.
• 7:47
  Brian: And one of the yeah, they've developed lying.
• 7:49
  Brian: And then deception on top of that, and then just kind of keeps going.
• 7:54
  Apryl: Okay.
• 7:55
  Apryl: And that actually like a lot of kids, the lying isn't about avoiding the consequences, it's about avoiding the shame.
• 8:03
  Apryl: Which we know shame and self-esteem and identity are so big with our ADHD kiddos.
• 8:10
  Apryl: So it's they we know that the kids with ADHD receive more correction, criticism, and negative feedback than their peers.
• 8:18
  Apryl: So over time, lying becomes that coping strategy of a way for them to be able to protect their sense of self.
• 8:24
  Brian: Right.
• 8:25
  Brian: And a lot of a lot of ADHD people build these fragile egos over time because they've been told they're bad so many times that pretty soon that becomes such a vital part of their of their like core, that then they will do anything to protect that.
• 8:42
  Apryl: Yeah, so really they're just trying to preserve their dignity, they're not trying to deceive you or manipulate you.
• 8:49
  Apryl: Here's something that's really important with lying and our ADHD kids.
• 8:53
  Apryl: If you know the answer to something, don't ask the question.
• 8:59
  Apryl: Why does that matter so much, Brian?
• 9:03
  Brian: So yeah, this is this is setting up a trap.
• 9:06
  Brian: And so if you ask, did you finish your homework and your child knows the answer is no, then lying feels like the only way to escape it.
• 9:15
  Brian: And so you can you can state observable facts instead.
• 9:20
  Brian: I see your homework isn't done.
• 9:21
  Brian: What's the next step?
• 9:23
  Brian: And now it isn't I I need to lie to get out of this, it's it's you you've removed that that trap, and now you're just setting up a reality.
• 9:32
  Apryl: Yeah, and this makes it so it doesn't escalate the shame of, well, first I'm shamed because I didn't finish my homework.
• 9:40
  Apryl: Now I said, no, my homework's done.
• 9:42
  Apryl: So again, like we talked about at the beginning, that shame spiral.
• 9:45
  Apryl: Now they're shamed because they're lying, and then you're gonna say, well, you're lying, and it's just that spiral.
• 9:51
  Apryl: So don't ask the question that's going to put them in a trap.
• 9:54
  Apryl: Um, so let's give the parents some language that they can actually use in the moment.
• 9:59
  Apryl: So instead of trying to push for a confession, try, um, do you want to take another try at that answer?
• 10:05
  Apryl: So if they do lie to you, do you want to take another try at that answer?
• 10:09
  Apryl: Or that doesn't quite line up with what I'm seeing, or let's focus on fixing this instead of arguing about it.
• 10:16
  Apryl: These phrases can signal for your kid safety and we're creating that accountability for them instead of just letting them lie and you know, like manipulate and get away with it, we're creating that safe zone for them and then creating accountability for them.
• 10:33
  Brian: Yes, you you can't reward the lie, but you can create a safe spot for it.
• 10:39
  Apryl: And one thing that we should be very clear about here is that not all lies should be treated the same.
• 10:45
  Apryl: And Brian, can you explain that distinction of when should we treat lies differently?
• 10:55
  Brian: So, yeah, so let's imagine like a homework-related lie.
• 10:59
  Brian: This is often driven by things like overwhelm or poor planning, or your medication's wearing off, or now I feel guilt and shame because I didn't do this earlier when all the other kids did what happened there.
• 11:13
  Brian: And so wouldn't we now punish this lie?
• 11:16
  Brian: It's gonna make things worse.
• 11:18
  Brian: So instead, we could focus on okay, my kid tends to lie about their homework.
• 11:23
  Brian: How about we increase supervision, we body double, we add some structure, we have shorter assignments, things they can succeed at.
• 11:33
  Brian: We can make sure there's medication coverage during homework time, we can screen for other like learning disabilities.
• 11:39
  Brian: Is there something that's going on that makes it so they can't do their math assignment?
• 11:43
  Brian: A lot of these things sets them up for success, where instead giving them homework that they are not going to be able to treat or they're not gonna be able to complete, and then catching them afterwards, being like, dude, what did you do?
• 11:56
  Brian: Why didn't you do it?
• 11:57
  Brian: All that does is set up shame and then then it sets up a lie.
• 12:01
  Apryl: Okay, so something like homework, that's what we can do.
• 12:05
  Apryl: We can just look at the situation, okay, how can we make it so they don't have to lie about this situation again?
• 12:10
  Apryl: So what about for those like serious or risky lies?
• 12:14
  Brian: So, yes, when things get like really serious, that's where you want to have a clear and proportional consequence.
• 12:22
  Brian: And so you you still need to be calm, you need to be consistent, and you need to pair this with skill building, but also the consequences for the risky things matter.
• 12:33
  Brian: If if your child's speeding in the car, they they lose the keys to the car.
• 12:38
  Brian: Like I get you're speeding to try and make it to work on time, you you've got to be able to better handle that.
• 12:45
  Brian: You can't speed in the car.
• 12:47
  Apryl: Yeah, and then like pairing that with the skill building of okay, how can we make sure that you're leaving for work on time so you're not speeding in the car to get to work on time and working with them that way.
• 12:59
  Brian: Set an alarm.
• 13:00
  Brian: I mean, it's some things are just as simple as this of what can we do to minimize speeding next time?
• 13:05
  Brian: Set an alarm so you leave on time.
• 13:07
  Apryl: Yeah, and um we have an episode, I'll link it in the show notes.
• 13:12
  Apryl: It actually talks about when like things turn violent, but we do talk about consequences and proportional consequences to the action, and that would be a very helpful episode to listen to with this too.
• 13:27
  Apryl: If you do have a kid who is like they're they have serious lies and risky behavior and lying about it and things like that, um, listen to that episode.
• 13:35
  Apryl: So I'll link that in the show notes.
• 13:38
  Apryl: So when you catch your kiddo in a lie, there's something that you can do that research shows, and that's moving away from forcing a confession.
• 13:50
  Apryl: So instead of demanding honesty immediately, parents can say, I know this isn't quite what happened.
• 13:57
  Apryl: Let's fix it, let's talk about how we fix it.
• 14:00
  Apryl: And this can reduce that defensiveness and, you know, like Brian was saying, that that like need to protect themselves.
• 14:10
  Apryl: By doing that, it can help reduce that, help them feel safe, and then also teaches the responsibility without without the humiliation and the shame.
• 14:20
  Brian: Right.
• 14:21
  Brian: I mean, this is just a good parenting skill to learn is figuring out how to avoid humiliation.
• 14:28
  Brian: You do what you do not want to like shame and humiliate your kids.
• 14:31
  Brian: That that is not an effective parenting strategy.
• 14:34
  Brian: But letting your kids uh get rewarded for things like lying is also not effective.
• 14:40
  Brian: And so making sure that the consequences or the responsibilities remain in place, but also don't humiliate them.
• 14:50
  Apryl: And I think this goes back to our last episode where we talked about um you know how to treat medic or how to treat ADHD without medication and that behavioral parent training, those are skills that you learn in parent training.
• 15:06
  Brian: Yeah.
• 15:06
  Brian: I mean everybody should take behavioral parent training.
• 15:09
  Brian: Like even if it's like, man, things are going pretty good right now, you should you should seek it out.
• 15:14
  Brian: I I think you'd be surprised at how helpful it could be.
• 15:18
  Apryl: And it's gonna save you money in the long run instead of therapy when your kids are older.
• 15:22
  Apryl: You learn this when they're younger.
• 15:27
  Apryl: So um here's here's something that I think is really important and is feels so counterintuitive.
• 15:37
  Apryl: But we can't ask our kids to be honest with us and then punish them for being honest.
• 15:43
  Apryl: When your kid tells the truth, especially when it's something uncomfortable and they're going to, they're already feeling guilty and shame, otherwise they wouldn't lie, right?
• 15:53
  Apryl: Um, but when our child tells the truth, say it out loud.
• 15:58
  Apryl: I really appreciate you being honest about that.
• 16:02
  Apryl: That's how honesty becomes safer than lying, when we can not punish them for being honest.
• 16:09
  Apryl: And here's something to give you some hope.
• 16:13
  Apryl: Research shows that as kids with ADHD mature, and we know that it is slower than our non-ADHD kiddos, but they do gain skills and experience more success, then the lying usually decreases.
• 16:29
  Apryl: So, yes, as they're younger, you may see lots of lying, but this isn't permanent.
• 16:34
  Apryl: And it also is an instant where you're just gonna see them just quit lying.
• 16:38
  Apryl: Like it's going to progress and reduce, especially as those stressors, like we've talked about, you know, don't put them in the trap, reward, you know, like thank them for being honest, that kind of stuff.
• 16:52
  Apryl: Then that makes lying feel unnecessary, and we build those skills that are going to replace that.
• 17:00
  Brian: Right.
• 17:00
  Brian: So, I mean, that's kind of one thing with lying is if the lying doesn't get you the reward or doesn't get the outcome you're looking for, eventually it becomes, I mean, it's just a waste of time.
• 17:12
  Brian: Like the kid who brags about, like, oh, guess what?
• 17:16
  Brian: I got something and something.
• 17:17
  Brian: I've got the best Pokemon card, and they brag about it over and over and pretty soon nobody nobody cares.
• 17:22
  Brian: Well then they they stop talking about it and they move on to the next thing.
• 17:24
  Brian: It's the same thing with lies.
• 17:26
  Brian: And there's no when there's no more reward, there's no reason to lie.
• 17:30
  Brian: Like the lie is literally it is a way that they've managed to to cope with their environment.
• 17:36
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 17:37
  Apryl: So putting into action these things that we've talked about are going to help them with that.
• 17:43
  Apryl: So if your child is lying, it does not mean they're dishonest, it does not mean they're uh, you know, not a moral person.
• 17:52
  Apryl: It just means that their brain is overwhelmed and they they're struggling with that impulse control.
• 17:58
  Apryl: It's just like that like automatic response to keep them safe, and their shame is louder than their skills right now.
• 18:08
  Apryl: So the next time you catch a lie, pause and ask what made this feel necessary.
• 18:15
  Apryl: And that question can change everything because then you can talk about it.
• 18:19
  Apryl: You can notice are you putting your kid in a trap?
• 18:23
  Apryl: How can you make it feel safe for them to tell the truth the next time?
• 18:29
  Brian: Right.
• 18:30
  Brian: Honestly, like what made this feel necessary is such a core part of all all behavior.
• 18:36
  Brian: Whenever your kid does something like he threw something against the fridge, whatever.
• 18:41
  Brian: Asking why did he do this will usually get you an answer to to how can you change it.
• 18:48
  Apryl: Yep.
• 18:48
  Apryl: So what made this feel necessary and don't put your kids in a trap.
• 18:53
  Apryl: I think those are the two biggest takeaways here today.
• 18:57
  Apryl: So don't feel bad if your kids lying.
• 19:00
  Apryl: It's just them trying to stay safe and stay out of shame.
• 19:03
  Apryl: All right, we're gonna we will see you guys next week with our very first interview.
• 19:09
  Apryl: And it's a really, really good one.
• 19:11
  Apryl: It's with a psychiatric physician, and we're gonna talk all about medication and a Wall Street Journal article about all the different psychiatric drugs once you use start with ADHD.
• 19:26
  Apryl: So it's a really good one.
• 19:27
  Apryl: So we'll see you here next week.
• 19:30
  Apryl: Same time, same place.
• 19:31
  Brian: Thanks so much for joining us for today's conversation on raising ADHD.
• 19:35
  Brian: Remember, raising ADHD kids doesn't have to feel overwhelming.
• 19:39
  Brian: Small shifts can make a big difference.
• 19:41
  Brian: If you found this episode helpful, it would mean the world if you would hit subscribe, if you would leave a review, or if you shared it with another parent or teacher who needs this support.
• 19:50
  Brian: And don't forget to join us next week for more real talk, practical tips, and encouragement.
• 19:55
  Brian: Until then, you've got this, and we've got your back.