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How can I communicate with my partner about our grief? · Wellbeing Solutions - Ask A Counsellor

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: How can I communicate with my partner about her grief?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: After a devastating loss of a baby, it can be hard to know how to communicate with your partner about what you're feeling.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Although it is a joint loss, the grieving processes for both of you can feel very different.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: One partner may carry on as normal, one may cry all the time and the other hardly at all.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: One or both of you can experience anger, shock and numbness, which can lead to withdrawal and sometimes from each other.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: If one of you needs space, it is not a rejection.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: It can be that they do not know what to do with seeing you so distressed.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: So a lot of this comes from their experiences of previous loss, their resilience levels, and the window of tolerance.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: It can be difficult to express your emotions at such a difficult time.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: So this is where tension can come into the relationship.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Not talking about it can be misunderstood as the other person not caring.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: So please be mindful of that.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: The principles I can offer you for communicating after a baby loss are so try to understand your partner's perspective.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Keeping lines of communication open is so important, so you can try to understand how the other is experiencing this, and this involves listening and hearing.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Explain how talking about your loss is helpful to you, what it does for you, how it helps you to feel.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Go slowly, find a pace that meets your partner's pace, especially if they find it difficult to talk about what they're feeling.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And use I statements starting with I feel.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: So this is you taking responsibility or feelings and not blaming the other for making you feel a certain way.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them what you need.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Is it space or is it support?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: It is okay to not get everything we need from our partners in this situation.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: For this reason I would recommend that you both seek individual support from a professional so you can come together without trying to hold each other's grief.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And also avoid assumptions about who should be the supporting one.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: The non-birthing partner may not have to process physical loss, but they could also feel pressure to be the strong one.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: So in that process, their own grief gets pushed into the background.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: There are many organisations who can support you both, and I'll give you the main national ones to look for, and they are Tommy's Midwife Helpline, which is a free non-urgent line open between 9 and 5 on Monday to Friday, and the number is 0800-0147800.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Their website is www.tommy's.org and Sands they have a helpline number which is 0808 164 3332.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: So please look after yourself.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I hope this information has been useful.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Take care.