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Questions From Our Listeners Vol 2 · Relationship Coaching Group Podcast

• 0:10
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome to Relationship Coaching Group Podcast.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_02: Whether this is your first visit or you've been following us, don't forget to download this podcast to reference later, because here we keep it real with scenarios, tips, and suggestions, everything relationship-centered.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_02: Hello, I'm Roxanne, your relationship coach and host, along with my co-host, the professor.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_02: And together we've been coaching couples and singles for over 20 years, and now we're here to work with you.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_02: So get ready for today's podcast because we're going to be answering questions from our listeners.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_02: But before we begin, let's welcome the professor.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, professor.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Hello.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Uh this is we get a lot of questions and we do not want to not answer questions.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: So even though we send out responses, so when you send an email or have a question for us, we personally will respond to you, but we will also put it on out on the show just so that we can help somebody else.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_02: No names.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_02: No names.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_02: No, we we try to keep the information limited, but the questions clear.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_02: So are you ready for the first question, Professor?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: I'm ready.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_02: Here's uh thanks for the coffee, by the way.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, you're quite welcome.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: My pleasure.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_02: Just today.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_02: We're not making this an everyday thing, Professor.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_02: So the first question is I've been married for 13 years.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_02: We love each other.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_02: We just don't talk too much.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_02: I think we're boring each other.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_02: How do we put the spark back in our relationship?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_02: You want to start that off, Professor?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: There's there could be several things here.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: First is complacency.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: People get complacent in a relia in a in a marriage over time and they're they get comfortable.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_02: But they're act that and I think a lot of that's going on, but how how could they put the spark back in the relationship if there's complacency?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_02: If she said it it or I I'm not even sure if it um the wife or the husband or the male or female, but they're just saying that they think that they're boring each other.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_02: They don't talk a lot.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_02: And they've been married for 13 years.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Plan dates.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Make time for each other.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's relationships where one goes to the den, the other one's in the sewing room or wherever it is, and they don't talk.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, having someone, so we're gonna have for dinner and we watch couples and they don't say one word to each other.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Both on their phones.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Uh well, either on their phones or they just sit there and they just two bumps on the log.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: You have to keep a relationship fresh and exciting.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_02: Plan spur the moment dates or or or ice cream dates, movie dates, yeah, picnic.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_02: Just do something that's that hasn't been done.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_02: Try something different.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_02: If what's going on, you you neither one of you making an effort.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_02: You have to make an effort.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_02: Marriage is work.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_02: And you'd have to keep the work going.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_02: What what brought you together should continue on in the in the marriage.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And and you know, you can always put on a raincoat and have a nice sexy outfit underneath and then go down to his dens, rip it off, and say, You ready?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that would hey.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be afraid to to just let it loose and have fun.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Don't don't make it that it's it's a drag.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I gotta do, we gotta plan this.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Just spontaneously.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Just do it.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Have fun.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: You've been married 13 years.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: You should be having fun.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: You should be enjoying each other's time.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_02: So I think that that kind of sums it up.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_02: Just do something different.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_02: Try try something new.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Do something different.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Eat different foods because it creates conversations when you go out.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of couples will go to the same.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: We know couples that go to um, I don't know if I can mention the no, no, we won't we won't mention that they go to the same restaurant.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: But it's a chill, and they go to this chill all the time.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_02: And order the same thing.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: And they order the same thing.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_02: Go somewhere different.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because it creates conversation.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, this was good.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, this was oh, I love this.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: It creates conversation.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Always try something new.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Stop going to the same place.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: Just you and and have a talk about we we need to start doing.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_02: Have that conversation.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_02: Listen, I think we're boring each other.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: I think we need to start doing such and such art.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna just start picking you up and taking you somewhere different.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_02: Once a once a week.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_02: Gotta keep it fresh.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: We had I actually had a a lady.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: She cracked me up.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'd suggested do fun things and everything.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And she said every the relationship was doing so much better.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: I reached out maybe eight months later just to check on them and see how they're doing.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, Do you know what we did?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: I said, What?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: She said, We did it in the car.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, okay.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's different.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Have fun.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: Have fun.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_02: And just just remember what you guys were doing before the marriage.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_02: That's it.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_02: And bring it back into the marriage.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_02: There you go.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_02: Here's the number the next question that someone sent in.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_02: I've been dating this person for two months, shy of well, I've been dating this person for two months, shy of two years.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: Every time I try to have a meaningful conversation about children, neither one of us has neither one of us has any.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_02: We're in our mid-20s.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_02: Or if I give my opinion about something, they bring up about repairs that we need in our apartment.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_02: They've moved in with me about six months ago.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_02: They go to an into a rage.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_02: How can I prevent our conversations from turning into an argument?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_02: So it seems though every time this person mentions doing something, repairs of the apartment, you know, just general stuff.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_02: Repairs in the apartment, uh talk about children.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_02: So it's it doesn't seem like they're on the same page.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: And they moved in with uh they moved in six months together six months ago.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: You saw the signs before you moved in, I'm pretty sure.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Almost two years of dating.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: You've seen you've seen the signs, but you keep holding on for something that's not there.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_02: And I think we had a our our last podcast was about s relationship and situations.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_02: Situationship.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_02: Listen to go back and listen to that podcast.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_02: Because it if you can't have a conversation about moving forward in the relationship, then why are you together?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_02: If one doesn't want to help out with chores around the apartment that you they moved into, it might be what what time is it, Professor?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_02: What time is it to close the door?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_02: And take a walk.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, we mean you take a walk.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Close the door and run.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: Especially if they go into a rage when you try to have meaningful conversations.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: When when you look at what you moving in with someone, and we've said this in our financial uh podcast we did, go back and listen to those things.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because we we spell it out for you.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Take notes.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Take yeah, take notes because you've seen all the signs.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people will bypass the signs because they think, oh, this is the person I'm supposed to be with.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um do you remember um we did a a couple and then they we recommended that they they should not be together.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: They were together 18 years.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And one wanted to stay in it because, well, we put 18 years in it.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: We should make it work.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, right, right, right.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it just because you've got timing into it doesn't mean it's gonna keep it's gonna work.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_02: Especially if there was no commitment in 18 years.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_02: And just like this one, how can the question the down the bottom line of the question is how can I prevent our conversations from turning into an argument?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_02: If you're not getting what you want, if you can't speak to that person that you brought into your your space without them c going into a rage, then maybe it's not a relationship.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe it's what, professor?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_02: Situationship.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_02: A situationship.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_02: And if it's not what you want, then and you're not getting what you want, close the door, take a hike.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Run.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Run.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing, is you knew this prior to moving in together.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: You should have seen some signs.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: You saw some they saw signs.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_02: And but sometimes, you know, Professor, sometimes people can hide their true feeling until they get what they want, until it's comfortable.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: So that person just moved in to the other one's apartment six months ago.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: So now they got comfortable, they've been there in there for six months, and they're getting what they want, but you're not.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, a lot of time what that is, is that you you've moved in to the next level of moving in together, and the true colors are showing, but there was no discussion before that.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: There was no discussion on you just moved in together.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Did you have a discussion that said, so these are what I'm looking for?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_02: The the line has to be drawn.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_02: Where you have your expectations.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_02: Once you're bringing somebody into your space, these are my expectations.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_02: And if they if you let them in after you've explained it, all that, and you had that that discussion, that conversation, and they're in, and they're everything falls to the wayside about you uh what you were expecting, then you know that you're just a comfortable place.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: You were just a warm bed and a hot cup of coffee.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_02: And then and a cozy invite.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, here's the next question.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_02: I'm 39 years old, divorced with two children.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_02: I'm dating, but we we're not living together.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_02: My partner who's never been married has three children.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_02: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_02: Go back.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, it says My hair my headphones cut out.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_02: I'm 39 years old, divorced with two children.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_02: I'm dating, but not living together with my partner who's never been married, with three children, who's 45 years old.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_02: The problem I have is that they question everything, such as why I took so long to answer his call.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_02: We both work.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_02: Why can't we see each other more?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_02: When I go see my family with my kids, they want to know when I'm leaving and when I'm coming back.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_02: So here's my question.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_02: Do I set boundaries?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_02: Or is this the way of showing me that they love me and care about my well-being?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_02: What's your take first?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: This could be, I don't want to make this a negative thing.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: So this could be somebody who's um over the top with their feelings.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: They just want to know where you are, are you okay?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm leaning more to more the control side.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: You are a single mom, you have kids, work, all that stuff going on.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Full plate.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Full plate.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: So now you have to uh and then you're taking your kids again.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you going?
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: How long you're gonna be?
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I mean, it it also depends on the tone.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: If it's um, hey, uh, you know, when you're going, uh, when you're coming back, you know, just if it's that, then it's more that they're they're you know, want to know what's going on in your life.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_02: But, Professor, two of the questions that she gave us was that he asked, why she took so long to answer his call, and why can't we see each other more?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_02: Those to me, and again, you you mentioned she is a single mom, her plate's full.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_02: She's working, two kids to take care of in a household.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_02: So to me, that I I think that weigh for in my opinion, it weighs on the controlling side.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: I agree with you.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: I agree.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: You agree?
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: But I agree.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, wow.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I agree.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: But as I said, I don't want to make this a just a negative thing, because it could be that maybe that person is um a overconcerning per person.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: But I do agree, it does sound more controlling than anything.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not standing up for the dude.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just saying, because yeah, I gotta be a little objective here, because we don't know the full dynamic.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: But yes, it does sound, but the other side to this is too, as a single mom and you have your plate full, juggling dating is very difficult.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: And we've seen where single moms will put their kids on the back burner to date.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, and it doesn't sound like it doesn't sound she's that's doing that.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: But if she's getting that type of feedback from that person, then maybe she needs to re-evaluate the relationship.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's time for her to say, at this time, yes, I I got a lot on my plate.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_02: I have to I'm raising my kids and I can't just willingly drop them just to be with you, or be call you to or answer your call every time you call because it may it may be inconvenient, or call you right back because I'm I'm I'm a mom.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_02: So yeah.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_02: So there's some serious uh issues going on and conversation needs to take place.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: And don't be afraid to have the conversation.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um your kids come first.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: We never want to bring a man into your life, and a lot of men and women do this.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: They will bring a partner in, and it causes more dysfunction because the kids are like, who's this?
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Especially if they're older kids, it it creates problems.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, you you have to be careful about dating.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there are some men and women out there who do not date, or if they do, it's away from home.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: They go out for dinner, once in a while, it's a casual dating thing.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: But it seems like in her situation, I would have that conversation and uh close that door.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, that uh is especially if it's not working for you.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_02: And we always say that if it isn't working for you, learn how to walk away.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_02: Learn how to just let them know this this is not working.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Walk, close that door and run.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Baby girl put them shoes on and run.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, here's the next one.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_02: Why do I feel anxious and insecure in my relationship?
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_02: We've been together for seven years.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_02: He wanted a family with me.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_02: We have two children under five, and I'm pregnant with number three.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_02: And we're both in our mid-40s.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_02: So it's a relationship.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_02: It's not even it's not a marriage.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_02: But you feel anxious and insecure in your relationship.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_02: Well, not that anxious if you're on number three, not that insecure if you're on if you're in going on number three.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm a little off with that one because it's like, well, there's more to this story here, this question.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because why are you having kids?
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now, are you having kids to keep them?
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: Is that what it is?
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: Hoping for more.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Hoping for more.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: There's more to this.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we will we'll have to because we sent her an email, we haven't heard back from her yet, I don't think.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: We'll have to check with our our department and see.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, um, I definitely think there's more to this.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: But you if you're having kids for constantly if you're in a relationship and you don't feel secure, you feel apprehensions, you don't feel right, then why are you having more kids?
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because that could be a sign that maybe maybe your instincts are telling you something's off.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: So why are you having more kids?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because if that person leaves, then you're left holding the bag.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_02: It's gonna it's your responsibility.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: And uh And not being married?
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_02: So we see why the the anxiety and insecurities come in from because you you're going on three kids with with this person and no marriage, no it doesn't sound like uh futures in of marriage is in place.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_02: After the first one, okay, that's that's a given, but that's when you discuss about the relationship to see if this is something that's yeah that's gonna be that's gonna lead to marriage.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, or go see, you know, uh a relationship coach or whatever to to figure out what's going on.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes you both are caught in this place where you both can't figure it out.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's where somebody, you know, like us uh can be the outside voice that helps you to put it in perspective.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly, exactly.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_02: That's when you get some help.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_02: All right, here's here's another one.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_02: Why do I Okay, this one I just read.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_02: You just read.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, this You need a bigger pack.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, this is a this is a a long one, Professor.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_02: So pay attention.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, go ahead.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_02: All right, my spouse of twelve years seems to have lost interest in me.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_02: We have a 10-year-old and he wants me to have another child.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_02: I'm hesitant because we seem to have drifted apart.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_02: We don't go out like we used to.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_02: He picks up over time when financially we're good.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_02: Let's just say we both have a good paying job and we're not hurting financially.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_02: When he comes home, he showers and spends about an hour with our 10-year-old and then goes straight to bed.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_02: We don't really talk, just in passing.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_02: How do I find out if he's cheating or are we on the way out?
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_02: How do I talk to him when he really doesn't want to talk?
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_02: He just tells me I'm making a big deal out of nothing.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_02: So this this kind of sounds like it's time for again we were talking about counseling and what have you.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: I think this sounds like Oh, it's it's overdue.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_02: It sounds like it sounds like both of them need to visit a relationship coach or counselor.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's overdue.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_02: But let's see if we can give them some tips and suggestions.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: I think what's happened is, and then I'm just going by what the question is.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: I think over the years they have got comfortable in their dynamics.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it's easy to lose uh interest in each other.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're just going with the flow.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're married, you're together, it is what it is.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: And that can create uncertainty, especially in a in a woman, that may feel like, you know, he doesn't look at me, he doesn't really talk to me, he just eats, and then that's it.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, there could be something going on, but if he's coming home from work and then being at home, then you know, I doubt it.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if he's not coming home regular or he's out all the time, then maybe.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_02: But Professor, he said uh she said that he's taking a lot.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_02: Of overtime when they're financially secure.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_02: They d and they don't talk.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, yeah.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_02: Then then that could be something going on.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: So it sounds like she's thinking that maybe he's cheating or that the Or maybe he's just taking overtime because he doesn't want to come home.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: Come home.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I I gotta play both sides of the fence here because we don't know.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: So it could be anything there, but at this point, they really need to see somebody.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't want to put too much out there on it and make her feel insecure that maybe something's gone on because maybe there isn't.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: But they're definitely they may have not had communication skills to begin with.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_02: But married 12 years and they have one kid, but he wants another, and they're not they're not talking.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_02: They're not even doesn't sound like they're really on the same page and he's not there a lot because he's taken overtime.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe she's kind of thinking that the kid will bring them closer together.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_02: Or if he's doing overtime, maybe co-worker.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you just had to go there.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe this I'm trying to help.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to help you, bro.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: You're not helping me here.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_02: I I don't know what type of job he he has, but it could be anything on this one.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_02: And they do need to see help.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_02: They need help, they need uh relationship coach.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna have to our team reach out and and and you could as we said we answer all these e make sure all these emails were answered.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: But you if you're not communicating, and I don't know how long this has been going on, the no communication thing.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: It could be a new thing or or been going on for six years, who knows?
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, it yeah, she didn't say how long or when when this started, but uh it's to the point.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_02: But why bring another child in if you're having issues right now?
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_02: Get your issues straightened out with counseling to see if this is something that uh that that's gonna benefit the relationship in the marriage, and uh iron out some of these issues that you're having of not non-communicating and I just want to say this.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes what happens is that you have a child and all the focus is on the child, and you've pulled away from in intimacy with your your husband.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then what happens is is that the husband pulls away.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: So that that's a common thread we see, and maybe that's something that's happened.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_02: Or maybe he feels that if she gets pregnant, she'll have something else to take her mind off of whatever is going on in the relationship.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_02: It could be a a lot of things, but um I I wouldn't suggest bringing another child until you until you don't want to bring another child until the the issues have been resolved.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_02: So um yeah, it it and and then he tells her that when she tries to talk to him that he's telling her that she's making a big deal out of it.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I I I I have cl clients that I was that I've been working with, and that's one of the situations where they can't the communication is not there.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_02: Communication isn't there, you can't fix anything.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you just gotta end it because it's gone too far.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes a relationship can fizzle out to a point where it can't be fixed.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's so much resentment there now.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: We've seen that where you can tell within a couple of sessions whether this is gonna go any further or not, because one will be maybe interesting, the other one is just shut completely down, they're not interested, they're done.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_02: So and this and this this question is really deep.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, Professor, a lot of relationships deal with situations like that.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_02: They've been married for several years, and everything just stops.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_02: Communication stops.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, the the everything that made the relationship stops, whether it's going out, whether it's uh visiting with family together, and having maybe having family over or friends over, everything just stops.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_02: And then one person's gonna feel totally isolated.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_02: And want to be happy because they're able to continue their life on the outside, which whichever it is, to um maybe hang out with friends and not with not with the partner, not with the spouse.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_02: Doing their thing on the outside, enjoying their job.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_02: And you mentioned earlier, not coming home because they use their job as an excuse to be be away.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_02: So when it gets to that point, you really need counseling.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_02: And if one doesn't want counseling, then that's a that's a sign that they're not into the relationship.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's um, yeah, that's the sad part about relationships, is that communication has to keep be it has to be ongoing.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: You start with communication and you have to keep doing it throughout the relationship.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you don't have that communication, a lot of people start off good, but then life gets in the way and it doesn't come out as communication, it comes out as bickering.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: Bitching, complaining.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_02: And then they say, Don't make you're making a big deal out of it.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_02: Just like he did.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_02: You're making a big deal.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_02: Well, here's our our final say.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_02: If you're having, and listeners, I want you to listen.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_02: If you're having issues with your partner, spouse, significant other, that is, that's escalating or has gone on for a long time, it may be time for you or both of you, if you're both willing, to seek help from a relationship coach, whether here or elsewhere, or a counselor, wherever it is, get help for yourself and your relationship.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_02: Professor, any any final words?
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_02: Because we do say that, that if it's getting out of control, we always say that.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_02: If if your relationship is getting out of control, get help.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: The quicker you do it, the better your relationship has a chance of surviving.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: The longer you wait, the harder it will be.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_02: Or, Professor, it may be time to shut the door, as you say, take a walk.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_02: If it's not gonna help the relationship, one way it it should help one way or the other.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_02: Either for you to know that it's okay, we're gonna work at it and try new things, or if you have one hard-headed, or both going opposite directions, then it may be time to end the end the relationship.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: We're we're we're we're in the belief that if we see the relationship is not going to work, we're gonna tell you this is not gonna go anywhere.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because there has to be we've met couples who have been married for six months to six years to sixty years, don't make it because that uh energy that was there has just died away.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there is we just spoke with someone uh the other day, and the lady is how old is she?
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: See, um I think eighty, and she's still having intimate relationships.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_02: Well, yeah, she's been yeah, she's married.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, she's eighty-seven.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: Eighty-seven.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: And yes.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: That she's is still intimate with her with her husband, they l love life together, they they keep the energy alive.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_02: 87.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_02: And she was gonna have a procedure, and she wanted to make sure that that procedure did not hinder her from having sex with her husband.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_02: And she told the doctor flat off that was it.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: That was it.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because the the intimacy and those things is what work for them and keeps their their marriage, their life alive.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_02: And actually, I know a a couple personally several years several years ago, knew them.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_02: They were married 50 some odd years.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_02: Divorce.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_02: After fifty years, they're both seniors.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_02: I um I was floored when I ran into the into the husband and he told me that they'd had a divorce.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_02: Because after 50 something because one of them's just had enough.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_02: You would think after 50 years, uh we can put up with a few more years together.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, sometimes they just have enough.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, because it could be that you know that one person just sits on the couch and does nothing.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: They just watch General Hospital.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_02: And after 50 years, they just got tired of it.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: They just got tired of it, you know.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I mean, you you gotta keep the relationship alive.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta travel, you gotta do things and try new things, keep it alive.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_02: Keep the relationship alive.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_02: And on that note, Professor, you want to thank our listeners?
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: We have some super awesome listeners.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: They are thank you guys.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: You you make us want to do this.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and we thank you.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I gotta give a shout out.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: Gonna mention the name.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: They're okay with it.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: I asked their permission.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: Big shout out to Jerry and Samantha.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they we were uh uh flying and they recognized us and um came over and introduced themselves and and uh I did ask their permission, they said it was okay to give them a shout-out.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to thank them for their support.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: And uh and thank you because we're in the airport and they bought us a cup of coffee.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for the coffee, thank you for great conversation.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: And um they've been married seven years and they travel together, they live life together, and honestly, everything that they're doing is what we tell you to do.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: Enjoy life, enjoy life together, spend time together, and even they say that sometimes they get on each other's nerves, they go take a break, they go for a walk, or they go have coffee by themselves.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have to be on top of each other all the time, but they love spending time together, and they've been perfecting their relationship, and it was so good to hear that.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you guys.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: Awesome to meet you.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for the coffee.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, and we want to thank you, listeners, for being a part of the Relationship Coaching Group community.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_02: You are part of this community.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_02: We thank you.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_02: And if today's conversation resonated with you, remember that strong relationships don't just happen.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_02: They're built with awareness, communication, and the courage to grow together.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_02: And if you've enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow the podcast so you don't miss future conversations about dating, relationships, emotional growth, and building deeper connection.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_02: And if you know someone who might benefit from today's topic, share this episode with them.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_02: And you can find us at Relationship Coaching Group.com where you'll be able to email us, contact us, the contact information is on there.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_02: We'd love to hear from you.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_02: If you have any tips or suggestions, please feel free.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_02: And until the next time, speak your needs clearly, listen without interrupting, and remember, you're not alone.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_02: Together, we got this.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_02: We got ya.