Latest / Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast / Everyone Acts in a Way that Makes Sense to Them

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Everyone Acts in a Way that Makes Sense to Them · Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast

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Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
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What do you do when your boss or friend or spouse
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or one of your kids says or does something that
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doesn't make any sense? I mean, it makes you
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crazy. You get angry. You find yourself waking
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up in the middle of the night and you say to
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yourself, why did they do that? Why did they
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say that? Today, we're going to learn one simple
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principle that can change all that. Stay with
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me. I'm Dave Drewy, and this is Living on the
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Edge. Today, Chip Ingram continues his series,
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Caring Enough to Connect, building bridges to
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those we love with two personal stories from
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Chip's own life. One from the early months of
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his marriage and one from a painful misunderstanding
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with a fellow ministry leader, both showing how
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a single shift in perspective can completely
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change your most difficult relationships. If
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someone in your life has ever left you shaking
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your head, today's message may change how you
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see them. Here's Chip Ingram with today's message
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titled, Everyone Acts in a Way That Makes Sense
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to Them. I'm talking about basically life lessons
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in terms of building a great family and just
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great friendships. Principles that have to do
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with marriage, parenting, friendships, your boss.
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And so let me do a quick review. Principle number
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one, the biggest lesson I learned was it all
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begins with God. I come from a family background.
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There's a multi -billion dollar self -help industry.
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There's TV shows. There's books. There's movies
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that all tell you this is how to do relationships.
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My biggest lesson is God created relationships.
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And his word gives direction on how to have great
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ones by his intent. And so the passage was Proverbs
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9, 10. It says, the fear of the Lord is the beginning
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of wisdom and the knowledge of the Holy One is
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understanding. Saying, God, the wisdom, the skill
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to do relationships, you have it. And then the
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practice was make God's word your handbook for
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relational guidelines. In other words, if God
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says, look, this is how to do marriage, do it
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his way. If he says this is how to raise your
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kids, do it his way. If he says this is how to
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respond to your parents, do it his way. If he
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says, look, here's how you do business relationships,
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friendships, do it his way. The second principle
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was that every, recognize that everyone is desperately
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insecure. We looked at the very beginning of
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time and Adam and Eve and that once sin entered
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the world, we're all, varying degrees, we're
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just desperately insecure people. That since
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that time, we're fear -based. And because we're
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afraid of what other people will think about
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us, we hide. And so we pretend. And we image
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cast. And we perform. And we manipulate. And
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we so fear rejection. It's in all of us. That
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we want to figure out what other people will
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like and accept. And then we project that. Or
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we perform for that. Or we'll look that way.
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Or maybe if I'm good in music or athletics or
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art. Or if I can make a lot of money. Or if I
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can live over here. Or if I can drive this. All
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these things. And we create these relational
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holograms. that are, you know, three feet away
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from who we really are so that people will like
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us. Unfortunately, even if they like the hologram,
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it doesn't touch the depth of our heart. And
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so we said the passage was Genesis chapter 3,
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and then our practice was take off your mask.
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Authenticity builds genuine relational intimacy,
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and hypocrisy destroys it. That great truth that
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people are not looking for perfect people. But
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people like you and me are really looking for
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authentic, real people. Principle number three
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is everyone behaves in a way that makes sense
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to them. Everyone you meet, every behavior you
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encounter, whether it's from your dad, your mom,
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your mate, your friend, your boss, an employee,
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everyone behaves in a way that makes sense to
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them. When people act in immature, inappropriate,
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or even have patterns that appear absolutely
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dysfunctional and damaging. They're doing it
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for reasons that at least inside their head and
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from their experience, it makes sense. I mean,
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most people don't say to themselves, I know what
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I could do that would just wreck my marriage.
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I think I'll do this and really alienate everyone
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that I know. That is not how people think. Now,
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they act in ways that do that, don't we? But
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they think in ways that actually make sense.
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To them. Everyone behaves. And you say, well,
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that seems kind of simple. I got to tell you,
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when you get your arms around that, it'll revolutionize
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how you interpret what happens. Because sometimes
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it's not even wrong. Sometimes people are very,
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very different. And so they respond in ways that
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make sense to them that are completely foreign
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to you, but it causes conflict. Let me give you
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my... First example where I begin to learn about
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this. Teresa and I come from very different families.
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I came from a family of school teachers that
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really believed in education and thought that
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the way you learn is around the supper table.
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And so we would eat dinner and then literally
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push the plates to the middle. You couldn't even
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clean them up. And then this is why I like coffee.
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I think my parents would get a cup of coffee.
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I didn't like milk. But if I would drink half
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my milk, they would put a little coffee in it
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and a little sugar. Seriously, from about four
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years old on. And we would talk for 45 minutes
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around the table. And that question like, so
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what did you learn in school today? If you went
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all nothing, that was like, that does not work
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in this family. And so what I learned is a dynamic
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occurred in our family that the way to even be
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heard is you have to interrupt somebody. So my
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family, when you talk, you have to track because
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they interrupt. And everyone's talking all the
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time. Well, Teresa came from a family that was
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just the opposite. And people were very polite
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and very cordial, but not overly communicative.
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Not good, not bad. Neither of us right, neither
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of us wrong. But it must have been about two,
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maybe three months after we're married. And we're
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going to drive up, I think, and visit her sister.
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It's a two and a half hour drive or so. And we
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have a little conversation in the car. And it's
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these beautiful winding roads. And there's lots
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of trees and a blue sky and puffy clouds, all
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of which I didn't notice at the time. And so
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we talk a little bit, and I notice that I'm way
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more talkative in this new marriage relationship
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than my wife. And so, like men do, we count things,
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probably not very wisely at times. So I decide
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that I'm going to run an experiment, and I'm
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not going to say anything and see how long it
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takes her to initiate the conversation and talk
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to me. Now, you've got to remember, all of us
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are desperately insecure. my experience tells
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me and my family, if you don't talk to me, you're
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rejecting me. Because that's how I grew up, but
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that's the way we punished each other. I mean,
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when you're fighting for airtime, the way you
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tell someone that, boy, I don't like you is you
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don't talk. So we drive, and I'm going to run
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this experiment. Ten minutes goes by. Kind of
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looks over and smiles at the car. We keep going.
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Looking out the window, who knows what's out
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there. Twenty minutes goes by. Now I'm starting
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to go. We're married like three months. Is this
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how you, you know, what's the deal? And 30 minutes
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goes by, 32 minutes goes by, 35 minutes, 37 .5,
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and I'm just going, what is, man, what is going
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on here? I thought we had a good marriage. I
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thought I married the right person. What's going
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on? She won't even talk to me. I mean, we must
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have a big problem. I mean, I'm, you know, in
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my mind, it's building and building and building.
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We hit the 45 -minute mark, and I decide that's
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it. And so she's looking out the window. seems
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to actually be enjoying things, at times looks
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over at me and smiles, which is ridiculous. 45
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minutes you haven't talked to me. Then I turn
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to her, what's wrong with you anyway? I can't
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believe you. 45 minutes we've been in this car,
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you haven't said a word. And I mean, I attacked
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her. And after, you know, we realized we had
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little differences and I got clothed in my right
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mind emotionally and mentally and we worked it
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all out. everyone behaves in a way that makes
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sense to them. When Teresa's family drove in
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the car, people didn't talk a lot. My wife loves
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nature. My wife was sitting there, actually revealed
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she had good thoughts about me. And she was seeing
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how beautiful nature was and looked at me and
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said, oh yeah, I was having a wonderful time.
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I thought, how wonderful it is that... to be
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in the same car, enjoy all this beauty, to be
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newly married, and know that even without words,
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we can be close. All right? I'm thinking, without
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words, this marriage is on the rocks, and we've
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only been here two months, you know? Do you understand
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the difference? If you understand people behave
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in a way that makes sense to her. If you don't
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understand that, you'll assume that they behave
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in a way that should make sense to you. And when
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you place that demand on people, because a lot
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of times that wasn't moral. Her family wasn't
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right and my wrong or vice versa. But it produced
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tremendous conflict. Proverbs 14, 12 says, there
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is a way which seems right to a man. First part
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of that, there is a way that seems right to a
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person. There's a way that seems right to a man.
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There's a way to talk. There's a way to do business.
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There's a way to parent. There's a way to respond
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to parents. There's a way to spend money. There's
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a way to prioritize. There is a way that seems
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right to a person. All of us have in our mind,
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there's a way that seems right to us. But it
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says, if it isn't in alignment with God's wisdom,
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it says what? But the end thereof is the way
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of death. If you begin to understand, even when
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people blow up, even when people say things after
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a long time in a relationship, even when a kid
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slams the door, it doesn't mean you condone the
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behavior. But if you assume that it doesn't make
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sense to them, then you'll usually attack the
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wrong issue and the relationship will further
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deteriorate. I'll give you another quick example.
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I had an experience just in the last couple months.
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And there was a Christian organization. We'd
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built a good relationship, and they said, you
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know, we have this ministry to churches and people
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around the world, and we heard a series, and
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we think you have a couple messages that would
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really help them. I said, well, great. We've
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never done an international conference. Would
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you go to Hong Kong, and we'll have a couple
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other teachers go, and we think this would be
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great. And I thought, I've got a great friend
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in Hong Kong. We've mentored a church in Hong
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Kong. I really believe in what they're doing,
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so I go and I do it. And then I came back, and
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they had a couple other conferences they asked
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me to speak at. Had a great relationship, and
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this is the leader of this whole deal. And we
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just, I thought everything was great. I didn't
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really notice that they didn't ask me to speak
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for a year. I didn't notice that they didn't
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ask me to speak another. I was pretty busy anyway.
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And then we had a big project that we had talked
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about earlier, and they said, whenever you get
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ready, let us know about this project. So I call,
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no response. I email, not even a return call.
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Well, they're busy. I understand they're probably
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out of the office. So I wait two months, go through
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the same. No response. And all of a sudden, I'm
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thinking, now, wait a second. I went all across
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the world to these people, gave them a week of
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my life. I've done two major events for them,
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and you can't even get a return phone call? And
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so then I decide, a guy taught me, okay, I'll
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do a phone conference. So I called, and our assistants,
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we set up a phone conference. And on the day
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of it, five minutes before the conference, oh,
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an emergency's come up. So -and -so can't make
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it. So now I'm thinking, now, am I connecting
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these dots and these are all just coincidences
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or is there a problem here? Well, I don't want
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to tell you about the second phone conference
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that was canceled, the time I learned to talk
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to his assistant. And she goes, oh, yeah, he's
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right in the other room. And then after she checks,
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oh, I didn't realize, and her voice tells me,
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you all have been here, right? I need to figure
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out how to cover for my boss without making you
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feel too bad. He doesn't want to talk to you.
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Eventually, I end up talking with a board member
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and had another big meeting that he at the last
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minute dropped out of. Now, here's what I've
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got to tell you. If I don't understand that people
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always behave in a way that makes sense to me,
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I want to tell you some thoughts that casually
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went through my mind. What kind of a jerk is
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this guy? I go all across the world. I do this,
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I do this, I do this. He won't return my phone
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call? Are you kidding? Who does he think he is?
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Is he the most arrogant guy in the whole world?
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Does he just use people? You know what? I thought
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that was a good organization, but you know what?
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I guess I was wrong. They just used me. Not that
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any of those thoughts would ever go through my
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mind, but if my flesh was in control, they could
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have. Of course, all those thoughts and all those
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feelings, and what would have happened? And then
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probably in my flesh, I would have thought of
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very subtle, sophisticated ways to tell other
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Christian leaders about what bums they are. That's
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sort of what sin does, isn't it? And instead,
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by the grace of God, I thought to myself, everyone
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behaves in a way that makes sense to them. And
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I got on a phone call with two of his leaders,
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and I said, I would do this directly, but I can't
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get an audience with your boss. and I just recited
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the things that we had agreed upon and what I've
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done. And I said, would you tell him I have a
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conviction from God that I must have wounded
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him in some way because all the data of his life
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has been he is a good man, he's a godly man,
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you have a great organization, and he won't even
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return my phone call. So I'm assuming there's
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a problem between us. And since one of the relational
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principles is it always begins with God, All
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those feelings and thoughts that were angry and
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bitter and unforgiving came to my mind. But I
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have a verse that says, Matthew 5, 23 and 24,
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if when you come and present your offering to
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the Lord, there at the altar, and remember, your
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brother has something against you, you lay down
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your offering and go to your brother. And so
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I said to these two guys, tell your boss. I will
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be bugging him until he answers my call, and
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I believe in some way. I don't know what I did.
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I don't know why, but I don't have relationships
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with Christian leaders like this, and I don't
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put it under the rug, and he and I are going
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to talk, and we're going to get this resolved
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and tell him in advance. I'm not mad at him,
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but this can't go on. I need to hear what I've
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done wrong. So long and the short of it is a
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board member. called me the next day of his organization
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and just in conversation asked a couple questions.
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And I said, brother, I'd like to talk directly.
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I can't get him to talk to me. He said, let me
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see what I can do. And when board members call
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you and you head Christian organizations, it
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has immediate impact. And so I got a call the
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next day, and we set up this thing, and we talked.
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And it was really interesting. We get on the
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phone together, and I tell him kind of my side
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of the story. Here's what my assumption is. He's
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behaving in a way that makes sense to him. And
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I say to him, use his name. All my experience
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is you're a good man. You're a godly man. It's
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a great organization. We've partnered in three
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or four major events. This behavior is totally
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contrary to everything I know about you. But
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I have to assume it makes sense to you. And the
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only explanation I have is that I've wounded
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or offended you in some way. And so will you
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please get that on the table so I could ask you
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to forgive me? And he said, you know, as a matter
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of fact, you did. Remember two years ago when
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he cited it and we agreed that we weren't going
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to bring up one issue in this conference? I said,
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fine, you're the head of it. And then when I
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got up two hours later, the person who was emceeing
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the event asked me two questions about that issue.
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I assumed, I guess he talked with his boss and
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he changed his mind, so I took three minutes
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on it and went on. We didn't talk with his boss.
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He just did that. His perception was, you and
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I talked, we agreed not to address that one issue,
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and then you got up in front of my constituency
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and addressed that issue. And then I said, and
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what part of coming to me and addressing that
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was left out? Why didn't you come to me? And
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then all of a sudden, are you ready for this?
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Two leaders get to talk. And he didn't use these
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words, but basically said, you know something?
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I'm premising. Because I'm desperately insecure
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just like you. You know, all of my leadership
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life, I have not addressed issues with people
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when there's conflict. I hate conflict. And what
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I've done is I've just pushed it down, pushed
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it down, pushed it down. And I didn't really
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even know. I just knew there was something. I
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couldn't put my finger on it. But when the board
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member called, and when I got your email, and
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when the two, my COO and the other vice president
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said, you're going to keep calling until this
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gets resolved, he said, I put my finger on it.
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And you know what's amazing? When you begin to
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treat people and understand, they always, always
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act in a way that makes sense to them. It is
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amazing what healing can occur than assuming
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their motives are bad, they're carnal, they're
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evil, they're trying to hurt you, they're out
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to get you. Doesn't mean you condone the behavior.
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And so here's the practice I want to give you.
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Two things that have been so helpful over the
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years. Number one, become a student of others'
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behavior to learn the why behind the what. Become
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a student. of others' behavior. I literally have,
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and Teresa has with me, we've become students
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of one another's behavior. I've become a student
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of my kids' behavior. I've become a student of
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the people that I work with. A student. I now
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know the why behind the what of her silence and
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her silence now. Of course, she talks a lot more
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now and I shut up more now, so we've both grown.
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But the why behind the what is there isn't a
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problem. I've learned that my wife gets refreshed
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by being alone. I get refreshed by talking and
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verbalizing. And so there's times where she's
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getting refreshed and I know the why behind the
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what so I can give her space and not feel rejected.
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She has now learned that she may not feel like
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talking but I've been through a board meeting
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or this or that or been out of the country and
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we need to go to Starbucks and she's going to
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sit and just ask four or five questions and I'll
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talk for an hour and a half and I feel better
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when I get done. But be a student the why behind
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the what. You know, one of my sons went through
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a real rebellious stage and he butted heads,
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butted heads, butted heads. And I remember near
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the end toward the breakthrough and God did an
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amazing thing. Everything he did, I assumed was
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rebellion against me and challenging my authority
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in God. And I remember I started thinking, you
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know. He's a smart kid. He keeps doing really
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dumb stuff, in my opinion. And it causes all
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this conflict. And we sat down on his bed. He's
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17. He lifted weights, was a big wrestler, was
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huge, big, strong kid. And I remember thinking,
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there's got to be a why behind the what. And
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I pushed and I pushed and I pushed. And I'll
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never forget the strapping, big, muscular guy
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breaks down and balls like a baby in his bedroom.
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And the why behind the what was not as much rebellion
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as it was fear. And it was scared to death at
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not measuring up. And you know, as a parent,
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don't you as a parent deal differently with a
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child who's afraid than a child who rebels? Become
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a student of the why behind the what of people's
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behavior. Second, choose to ask this question.
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What is the most generous explanation for their
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behavior? When your mate or friend does something
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that really bugs you, ask yourself, what's the
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most generous explanation? And really what that
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means is, you're saying, they're behaving in
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a way that makes sense to them. I don't understand
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it, and it may have hurt me, but what's the most
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generous explanation? See, the harshest explanation
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from a friend who's a Christian leader was he's
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arrogant, he's a jerk, he used me, he's insensitive.
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And he is unwilling to address hard issues, which
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tells me he has lack of integrity. That's my
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harsh assessment. The most generous assessment
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is, why would a good, godly leader of a great
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organization act in a way that is so contrary
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to everything that I know of him? Do you see
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the difference? The approach is completely different.
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So ask yourself when, with one of your kids or
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with your mom or dad or with a business associate
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or even with a neighbor, ask yourself in relationships,
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hmm, you know what, I don't know what's going
21:19
on here, but this makes sense to them. You're
21:24
listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram
21:26
and a message titled Everyone Acts in a Way That
21:29
Makes Sense to Them. And in case you ever miss
21:32
one of these daily messages, let me remind you
21:35
that you can always catch up online at livingontheedge
21:38
.org. And if you'd like to hear these messages
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while you're out on the go or simply get them
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downloaded automatically to make sure you never
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miss a message, be sure to subscribe to the Living
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on the Edge podcast wherever you listen. Aaron
21:52
Pierce wrote his book titled Not Beyond Reach
21:55
out of years spent building friendships with
21:58
secular young people who'd already written off
22:00
the church. His book walks you through a simple
22:03
three -part framework, building genuine friendship,
22:07
having honest spiritual conversations, and finally
22:10
sharing the gospel itself. So you're never guessing
22:13
what to say or when to say it. So get your copy
22:16
of the book, Not Beyond Reach, at a special price
22:18
today at livingontheedge .org slash offers. None
22:24
of this reaches anyone without listeners like
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you standing behind it. Every time this teaching
22:29
lands in a car, a kitchen, or a break room, right
22:32
when someone needs it, it's because someone chose
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Just go to livingontheedge .org or call our team
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at 888 -333 -6003. Or you can send your gift
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by mail to Living on the Edge, P .O. Box 3007,
22:53
Suwannee, Georgia 30024. Well, now here's Chip
22:57
Ingram. As we close today's teaching. I want
23:00
you to really pause right this moment. I don't
23:02
care if you're driving in the car, you're on
23:04
the treadmill, whatever's going on right now.
23:07
I want you to think about what relationship,
23:10
what person in your life is just a perpetual
23:14
relationship challenge, right? I mean, they just
23:18
keep doing things or saying things that just
23:22
frustrate you. Is it your mate? Is it one of
23:25
your kids? Is it one of your parents? Is it a
23:27
coworker? Is it someone at church? I mean, you
23:30
know, you just keep finding yourself frustrated
23:33
with this person. And instead of blaming, instead
23:37
of accusing, instead of having sleepless nights,
23:40
let's just kind of play a little game. What's
23:44
the most generous explanation that you could
23:47
have of their behavior? Why? Because they're
23:50
actually acting in a way that makes sense to
23:53
them. And so often what happens is we experience
23:56
people's behavior and it literally makes no sense.
23:59
And we do get mad and we do react. And often
24:02
how we react escalates the problem instead of
24:05
making it better. And if you could learn this
24:08
little principle, and by the way, it takes discipline.
24:11
You sort of have to pause. And then you sort
24:14
of play a little game where you say, okay, if
24:16
I had to make up an explanation or two, For why
24:20
this person would keep saying this when they
24:22
know it makes me nuts, what would it be? And
24:26
when you do that, you'll be amazed how it will
24:30
change your thinking and then change how you
24:32
relate to someone. My point is, we all act in
24:36
a way that makes sense to us. And if you get
24:38
behind that, understand the person. It is the
24:41
first step toward resolving some really big problem
24:45
relationships. That's Chip Ingram and the end
24:48
of today's program. Join us next time as we continue
24:51
our series, Caring Enough to Connect, here on
24:53
Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced
24:59
and sponsored by Living on the Edge.