Latest / How Hard Can It Be? with Diana Maria Riva / Judy Reyes on Finding Your Voice, Sitting in Your Power and Ignoring the Clock

Transcript

Judy Reyes on Finding Your Voice, Sitting in Your Power and Ignoring the Clock · How Hard Can It Be? with Diana Maria Riva

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: In midlife. There's the glorious mindset of giving less shits,
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: and then there's ignoring the red flags. My next guest
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: and I will explore this along with surrendering your power,
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: there's no crying after the party and taking your dreams
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: into your own hands. Honestly, how hard can It be?
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Welcome to this episode of How Hard Can It Be?
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: A podcast for gen X women navigating midlife's most fantastic bullshit.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, Diana Maria Riva, and I cannot wait
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: to introduce to you my friend, my girl, and a
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: person that you have fallen in love with from the
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: original Scrubs Claws, the Scrubs Revival, and most recently High Potential.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: It is the lovely, my curly girl, Judy rey Ye.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: What is of my sister? How are you? I am?
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: I'm good, I'm excited. I'm happy you're here. I'm happy
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: to be here. You are always a joy to come to.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: If I run into you on a carpet, or at
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: a work event, or just when the Latinas get together, whatever,
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: You're always just a peaceful, joyful presence. Really you are
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: in actuality, I'm quite the cunt. Okay, and I'm sure
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: we are kindred spirits and that's why. That's what my
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: husband says sometimes when we have a fight, You're like,
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: you're welcome. I was like, yeah, I know that's you right,
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: But you know what you're You're an under the radar
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: cut you know, like your stealth, you put it in
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: other places, you learn how to use it. I mean
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: that's the magic of age and wisdom. Yes, I love this,
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: you know. I like to do an icebreaker, and I
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: think you know, cunts can usually have there's lives very
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: much in control. But I want to ask you. I
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: want to ask you. Botbo's blushing over there, like gods
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: cutting it cut. You know when you own your word honest,
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: like you know, you know how you mean it. Yeah,
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: and if it makes people uncomfortable, then you know they Yeah,
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: you do need to worry. Hang out. We'll teach you
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: a few things. My icebreaker is that, oh shit, is
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: this midlife moment? Did you have one? Yes? I did.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: I'm fifty eight. Is forty one considered midlife? I think
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: because I think that was my moment because I had
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: already I'd been through a divorce, a a tumultuous relationship,
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: very successful career. The entire time my love life was fucked.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: And then when I finally broke up with my boyfriend George,
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: who is now my husband, I got pregnant and I
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: was forty okay, and I just decided, you know, I'm
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: gonna be fine. I'm single, everything's good. I wasn't attached
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: the idea of being a mother. But then I got
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: pregnant and I had already had two abortions, one in
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: my twenties and then one when I got very involved
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: with some horrible person. I just knew when I took
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: that test that I was like, I'm going to have
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: this child. And in my entire relationship with George, however
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: tore it, it was and a lot of times I
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: always knew he wanted to be a parent desperately, I
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: didn't trust that I was going to be a good parent.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: I needed somebody. I was like, okay, so we can
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: co parent and it'll be fine. But I knew that
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: that was the moment that I made just this life
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: changing decision that affected every single thing around me consciously
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: and kind of was completely at peace with it. Is
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: that what midlife means? I think it. I think it
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: did well. First of all, there's no definition and there's
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: no formula. And I do think it's that thing that
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: it can be a quiet shift or something you know,
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: magnanimous that just rocks your world. And I've had things
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: rock my world in a very quiet shift, you know
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: way where the one thing I mentioned this before in
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: this podcast where a friend of mine who was a
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: mentor to me, would always say like, you'll know when
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: you know. I'm like, that doesn't help me, that you
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: know when you know I need to know that, that
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: doesn't help me. But it's true. It's when something comes
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: together and makes quiet sense, and it can be something
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: that makes quite sense, but it's going to now change.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: Do you ever deny that you know what you know? Oh? Yeah,
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: because that's the crux of it. Yes, when you get
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: to that place where you are so infinitely clear that
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: nothing's going to fuck with it, where as before you
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: have been that clear, but you either talk yourself out
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: of it, out of it, you get talked into something.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: But when you actually answer that, like it's this literal
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: feeling in your stomach and my stomach speaking for myself, yes,
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: I said, okay, got ahoea a way, I said, aha,
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: I'm like, what is wrong with this? What is wrong
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: with this? Trying to talk myself into something I know
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: I don't want, not that I shouldn't do, but I
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: don't want yes, And it's so hard to get like
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: a like a breakup, like I don't want to break
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: up with this person, but I don't want to be
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: with them that kind of shit. But the second you
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: get it done, you're like, it's horrible, You're crying. All
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: the things you hurt them, they hate you, whatever, Yeah,
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: you know, not whatever, but all of those things happen.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: But the second you get it done, you're like, Okay,
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: I did the right thing. Yeah. Yeah. And you know
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: I've been saying for the last few years because my
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: children are young adults. One's going to be in college
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: for a minute and the other one is graduated. Now
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: I'm working adult. The sooner you learn how not to
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: ignore red flags and listened to your voice in life,
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: the better, because it's definitely took me too long. One
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: of the biggest things that I beat myself up about
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: was after my divorce when I started dating someone. One
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: time I learned I knew going into dating this person
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: that this person was like so not the right person
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: for me, and I knew, I saw the red flags,
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: and I knew that when they started behaving badly, that
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: this was just a ticket to nowhere, And yet I
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: stayed in it. I convinced myself out of it. And
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: when they left the relationship, not even me. I'm like,
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: how dare you like, well, now you had the weapon, yes, right,
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: the weapon to blames him. Yeah. Not yes, sick responsibility
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: for the fact that you knew. I knew they should
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: have left a long time ago, and by the way,
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: I shouldn't even ated it. But by the way I
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: did propel me to a place of asking myself this
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: hard question of like, what am I not listening to
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: with me? I think it's it took me too long too.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: It's interesting that you say that, But I think do
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: we all feel that way? I like, there's anything about
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: it about that moment, you know, me having choosing to
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: have my child, like no matter what's like, I'm going
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: to be good, I want this, this I'm going to do.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: But that I was forty one and I got very ill,
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: like two weeks I needed I got an emergency C
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: section afterwards, So it was just like it was shifting. Yeah,
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean. I don't know. I just
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: jumped in there and said that. No, but it's you know,
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: it's a big one. It's a big one, and it's
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: it's impactful. It's impactful. And I think that this for
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: me is a constant lesson of learning how to not
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: ignore my voice. And I think now in midlife, which
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: is at the beginning of more great things. I joke
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: when I say fantastic, bullshit is because some it's fantastic
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: and sometimes it's bullshit. You know, I don't, but I
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: come at it with that attitude because I want to
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: continue learning more and I don't want to ignore that voice. Agreed, right, Agreed,
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: you you are. And I want to focus on Judy.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: But this was kind of parallel and kind of amazing.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: I turn on the episode of Scrubs the other day,
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: which has been so fun to watch this revival come,
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: and I see that the storyline is Nurse Carla going
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: through menopause, and I just want to know a couple
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: of details. First of all, your idea or their idea.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: I think it was their idea, But I was going
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: around being menopausal on set. You know, I'm menopauzal. There
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: I'm menopausal and high potential. I have, like, you know,
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: fans in different parts of the set, you know, and
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: I'm just like, okay, I'm sweating. Hold on a second,
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: because you get the glow and the drip even, you know,
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: so your face is dry, but your neck is like
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: pouring and it's gross. You don't want to see this.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: I can't. I can't take hormones because I have a
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: stense because of that emergency se section that I told
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: you that I had, So I have to like cope,
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: you know, and hope I've learned a lot, you know
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: what I mean. But the other thing is just like
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna stand here and say it's fucking hot in
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: here when it's freezing. It's just I'm just having a
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: hot flash. So it's just part of our daily existence,
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: you know. Halle Berry was very inspirational when she came
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: out with her menopausal story. I was like, you're a
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: little late, but you know, you're gorgeous, and I get
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: it and I own it because I mean, who am
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: I kidding? I mean, you know so. But what Scrubs
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: has always done is use whatever's going on in your
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: life and your story. Yeah, I think they asked, but
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: I didn't mind either way. But I was actually very
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: honored by the whole thing. I'm proud to do it.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: I am proud of it. I am so proud for
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: you and of you that that you would be able
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: to represent in that way, because not only did they
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: do it in a very classic Scrubs comical way, but
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: when the two of you are sitting on what is
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: it like an exam table or something like that, and
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: you're and he brought you ice cream? Yes, I like,
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: I got a little emotional. I'm like, yeah, but it's
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: all about that. You know, you're going through the emotional
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: ride of just not feeling the same. You know that
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: that wonderful scene that I had with Donald Faison, who
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: was doing wonderful work about you know, let me be
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: there for you now. And it's a very female thing
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: to like give up control. Yes, yeah, how do you
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: do that? How do you how do you not be
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: hot anymore? In that way? You know? How do the
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: fuck do you do that? Yes? Yeah? And I think
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: that the giving of control is something that is again
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: I do think it's very generational as well. I also
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: think it's cultural. I think like we are just doers
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: and doers. Women are doers. Gen X women are doers
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: and doers and doers. Mothers are doers. We don't stop
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: the treadmill. The hamster will keeps going, and if you
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: pull that plug, we'll keep running. And then we trip
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: all over ourselves and we're like scarred from head to toe.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: But there is something, there are other curveballs that come
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: in in this journey, and I think it's a lot
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: of it's emotional for sure. What's been your biggest surprise
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: about the emotional journey in this time? During this time,
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: I mean, well, there's an enormous I don't give a
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: fuck about it, but there's an enormous sense of forgiveness,
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: you know, like all these like sibling things that I've
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: held on for years just to be right about why
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: my sister's a bitch. I'm like, I don't care anymore,
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. I'm like fifty eight and I want
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: to hang out with my family. I want to help.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: It's like something's going on now. It's not just because
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: you know, we're against each other. It's like, what's going
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: on with you? You know? Is she okay? We talk to
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: each other about whether or not the other one's okay,
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: and it's you know, it's our love language. But we're
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: talking now, we're talking more and taking care of my
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: mom more, you know, being better even though from all
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: the way the fuck over here. You know, it's been
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: healthy for me, I think, emotionally to be far from
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: my family, but not being sorry for don't give a fuck,
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: like I'll get there when I get there, and I
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: get there a lot, you know, but I'll get I'm
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: doing other things, not caring about holding on to relationships
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: because you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings, right, you know,
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: just being sitting in your strength and your power, letting
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: go of that humility and sitting in your awesomeness, you know,
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: because that gives you more power. Yeah, you know. It's
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: a reflection, right, so that you use each other to
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: go other places. Yeah, you know, and sweating the entire time.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: I consider my power power right in front of you,
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: eyelashes coming down to here. But I'm in my power.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: I had a tsue. It's so true, and I do
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: think that's a delicate balance. There will be days where
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: I'm in my power and there will be days where
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: that balance is so upset and it must be hormonal.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: I don't know, there's no you know, something will happen
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: to me emotionally, and that power has been toppled. And
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: I'm now crying over I don't know what. I had
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: a successful event the other day that when I walked
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: into it. First of all, I had it all organized
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: and it was I produced it, it was ready, and
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: my partner in crime, Lisa Daud, we had it all
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: mapped out, ready to go, and we get to the
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: event at ten am. We have five caravans full of
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: women and items and everybody knows what they're going to
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: do when we get there, and ten volunteers because we
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: had an hour and fifteen minutes to set this up,
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: to give us forty five minutes to cool down and
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: then be party host ready. We get there to this
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: hotel at ten am and they are having a full
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: on breakfast in the space that we were supposed to
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: be setting up, and they're like, don't worry, breakfast ends
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: at eleven. I'm like, I'm sorry, you shut the kitchen
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: down at eleven. My balance and my power at that
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: moment are negotiable because I because if I let out
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: my anger and my rage, of which I was rightful
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: to feel it'd be too much. It'd be too much
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: in that moment, and I have something to accomplish and
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: I have to do it, and I have to stay focused,
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: I have to stay aline. But you know, and I
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: also have all these other women that came and to
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: volunteer their time. They don't need to be I wouldn't
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: take it out on them ever, but they would need
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: to be nice. How did you use just you do this,
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: you do this, you do this, you do this. I'm
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: going to do this and want to just get it done,
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: get it done, get it and so but the next day,
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: here's where I'm getting at. The next day, I cried
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: the whole day. I don't know why. I don't know
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: it because you held it in. I were so upset
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: you had it planned. They're having a full on fucking
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: breakfast because it's disrespectful and because you're you're and I
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: might cry because your love for all those people that
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: you're working with for the event and for everything you're
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: doing did not allow for that to get in the way.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: So you had to cry your ass off the next day.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: That's what I did. And I needed to hear that
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: because that I feel is goes back to the reminding
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: myself that it's renegotiable. Now, I had to renegotiate that
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: balance of power and that surrendering its power, right, And
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: how how hard or easy do you find letting go?
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: It's so hard? Yeah, it's hard, But I think that
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: I do the same thing. I I'm always trying to
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: protect people from my real feelings or from each other's experience,
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: you know. So if you're having a problem with this person,
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to explain him to you and you to
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: him instead of letting you guys have your own problem.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean, there's your problem, stay out
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: of the way, you know, Or I mean I do
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: a lot less of that now, that's okay. But it
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: does come from feeling a sense of duty, yeah, and
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: a sense of power of strength, knowing where I stand
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: in my choices, in my morality. And I hate to
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: use the terms because it always it's not always. It
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: often feels alienating, but it's the only truth that there is.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: Once you are okay with who you are, you find
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: easier what to say. Yes, you know, yeah, it's your truth. Yeah, allies,
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: you know, and your truth and you stand for something, right, yeah,
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: I think that's that's where those peaceful moments comes, like
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: when you know something another thing that was said to
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: me once in those moments, because yes, i'd meddle, because
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I can articulate really quickly what it is
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: that the two of you are not getting with each other.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: Like I watched my mom and my two sisters having
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: a discussion once, and as the discussion went on and
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: on and on, I sat here in the middle and
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: watched them, and it was getting more and more heightened.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: But I could also hear that I could see that
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: none of them were quite listening. And because of that,
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: because they were committed to their feeling and I get
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: that they were missing out on keywords with each other,
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: that they were misinterpreting what the other person was saying.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: And it got to a point finally where my sister
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: where one sister was so angry. My mom looked at me,
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: and she's a very strong woman, but she looked at
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: me and said, I don't understand what's happening, and like
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: I could see her confusion and knowing, and of course,
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: like I was like, okay, well, what Sarah saying and
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: what Alicia is saying saying saying, and like, you guys
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: are not saying blah blah blah. But I know I
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: have my own podcast. Oh my god. Yeah, my sisters
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: were like, did you they somebody said to me, once
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: you asked yourself two questions. Before you say something, you
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: get involved in saying something or clarifying something or metaling,
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: does it need to be said you're like you guys
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: don't understand each other. Yes, it does need to be said. Okay,
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: that's question one. Then before you say anything, you ask
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: does it need to be said by me? Okay, because
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: that can take you out of the game. No, this
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: bitch needs to know this, and this asshole needs to
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: know that. But it's not my responsibility to involve myself
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: in that. I can say, stay in my power, right
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: because at some point and then I'm involving. Now it
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: becomes about me too. Yes, you don't need that. Now,
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: you don't need that. But in meddling, I think I
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: can stop the whole thing. It's okay, it's okay, No,
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: don't do that. I don't do that. And I'm also
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: protecting people from what I really think. If I'm upset, No,
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: I'm fine, I'm fine. You know, the high pitch line voice.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: Are you all right? Now? Get to a point where
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: only DAWs can hear me, but say no, I am.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: I'm actually pissed, you know. And the things that you
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: pretended not to be pissed about, you actually give yourself
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: permission to be pissed about. Yes, And the people who
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: experience that are so confused. Yeah, you know, and you're
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: telling that I've always spoken to you this way, and
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: I've always hated it, so please stop life. I've never
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: said anything. I'm saying it now and you don't understand that.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: They don't understand. I know, I know I never said anything,
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: but it's really annoying. I'm sorry, I said to my
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: mom once because my mom will come in and say
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: something and thinks I don't understand what she's trying to
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: get at. And I was like, Mom, stop coming in
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: through the back door and acting like we can't hear you.
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: When you open the door, we hear you, and we
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: see you coming with your point. And she's like she
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: literally says like you do, but I'm like, yes, I do.
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: I hear you coming with your point. That she makes
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: like maybe my children she tries a Jedi mind trick.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: I think we all do. And and I was like,
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: we hear you and see you coming. We have all entire,
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: entire lives and it's it's one of those. So I
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: told her about that doesn't need to be said by me,
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: like when she's having discord with one of my sisters,
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: and so, Mom, it may need to be said, but
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: it does not need to be said by you. She's
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: this age, she's forty something, she's fifty something. This isn't
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: your area anymore. This is her needing to find out
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: in that life. And I'm sure the same has happened
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: in reverse. My sisters have told her the same thing
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: about me, the same thing, same thing. But I mean
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: we also we grew I grew up in an environment
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: where we all know everything, so there's never anything to learn, right,
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: So to be able to listen now, because that's how
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: we talk to each other. We're always, you know, declaring
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: everything you know instead of actually having a conversation. And
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: it's a hard place to move on from, you know,
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: when you're all together, and to get each other to
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: listen sometimes, and I think our case, somebody from the
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: outside has to help, you know, to help get the
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: point across because there's so much pride. And my mom
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: weaponized love. But when she didn't hit us, she weaponized it.
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: So you know, if I did something wrong, you know,
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: it was kind of like I don't love you anymore,
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: won't talk to me like over, like I'd be afraid
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: to drop glasses and shit, you know, because it I
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: don't know if I was going to get hit or
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: ignored for I'm sorry, I'm sorry, making a mistake, that
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: kind of stuff. So that's the kind of that thing
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: that perpetuates all that behavior, you know, of not listening
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: and fearing being wrong. You're never wrong. You don't make
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: a mistake because you don't know what's going to happen.
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: You either gonna get hit or somebody's not gonna love
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: you anymore. When you're a little kid, yeah you know, Yeah,
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: but you turn into would you say, you turn into
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: a fix it adult? Anyone wants to fix it? Oh
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: my god, immediately fix it? Can what can we do?
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: I know, I fucked up, I'm sorry. How can I
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: fix it? Yeah? Just literally? What can we do? You know?
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: That's what's turning me into a producer. See that's what
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: And I love this though, because you you haven't, and
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: you have brought in this element of producing now here
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: in this chapter, in this chapter of life, you've created
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: something new. You have extended and nurtured another side of
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: your talent, and you have produced one of the greatest
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: things that you've produced, because I know you've produced documentaries
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: and shorts, but one of the greatest things that you've
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: produced is freestyle a love story, which is a wonderful
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: what would you call it, stage performance, stage three? It's
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: a theatrical experience. Yes, it is a love story about
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: two people who met that when they were nineteen at
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: a freestyle show and reconnect at a reunion concert. And
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: the freestyle music is the soundtrack of their lives and
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: very gen x. Yes, it is by Latinos for Latinos,
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: with Latinos. The entire movement of freestyle music was pioneered
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: by Puerto Ricans from the Bronx. Lasted about nine years
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: and then it kind of gentrified with Lisa. Lisa and
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: the Latinos never got their due, but you hear the
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: music and all the music to this day, like you know,
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: Madonna's crossed it over and then it just became part
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: of a lot of people's soundtrack and the latinos were
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: left behind. So it's our love letter to the soundtrack
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: of our lives and it's all about the music, audience, participation,
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: singing along, and then a party afterwards. Yes, I can
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: be driving in my car and I hear a Judy
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: Torres come on or Sweet Sensation or an Expose song
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: and I am like sis, it's Jay like I will
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: just it's a karaoke moment. It is just that it
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: was there, and we more people know than they realize
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: that there's more, absolutely absolutely in your head. You know,
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: there's who you were dating when that song came out.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: Oh my god. I remember I was dating Headcom and
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: that song came up and we was making up and
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: my mother caught me. Oh my god. I love seeing
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: that women like Judy and Lisa, Lisa and Betty d
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: and the ladies of Expose, that they're in this chapter
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: of life and they're still doing it. They're still bringing
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: us this much joy but getting to your point and
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: you feel like you're getting into it too late. Why though,
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: why do we feel that way. You're having your moment here,
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: I'm having my moment. We're using our moment. Judy's having
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: her moment, my other girlfriend, all of us postmenopause or perimenopause,
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: and this is our moment. Why is it too late?
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: Who said? Who says it's too late? Yes, you know,
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: and I think you know, it's what you were saying earlier.
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: I don't know if we were saying it on the
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: show or not. It's a time. Yeah, it's a time,
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: and you just cannot be denied. No, you know now,
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: But I think, and that's what I am proud of
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: in this show and in for our generation of women
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: that we are coming out. We're ball busting right now
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: with this conversation that we want. We're highlighting it. And
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: it was the reason why I did agree to do
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: this podcast. I was like, Okay, then let's talk about it.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about there's more than just menopause and praimenopause.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: There's all the other things that I'm still relevant. I'm
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: still I'm in the middle of my life, and I
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: have more of my plate now than I've ever had.
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: You know, a lot of women in our age category
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: due they have their kids that are still dependent on them,
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: they're still at home where they are still in college
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: and their dependent and a lot of us have aging
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: parents that were caretaking or keeping an eye on whatever.
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: We're not retired, so we have ourselves this, all of
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: us together. We have lots to do, and yet there's
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: still more for us to experience. Correct And are you
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: giving yourself new experiences? Yes? What are you doing? I mean,
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: I am producing these shows. I'm really really I'm getting
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: into writing and developed ideas with friends. I think that
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: I'm in an incredibly powerful position to actually manifest these
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: things that I really want to do. And I travel,
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: We get on a plane and we go places. We
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: just came back from a wedding in Mexico. All good.
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: I volunteer, I work with my kid, take them to
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: to shows and stuff like that. I'm giving myself permission
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: to be really good to myself exercise, you know, instead
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: of feeling guilty for the place that I am sometimes,
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: you know, but understand that there's a great sense of
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: opportunity here and fearing it less because I'm older, you
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: know what I mean. I don't know that I would
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: have understood that earlier. Less fear or the not being
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: stopped by it, you know, or slowed down by it. Yeah,
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: have you ever experienced this clock letting you are threatening
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: that you are not going to get to do the
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: things that you want to do. Like you just said,
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna go. We just get up and travel. This
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: is one of my most vulnerable areas of my life.
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: I want to. I have not traveled enough, and I've
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: been a hustler since the minute I put stepped out
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: of college and started my career and then had children
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: in my family. I have no regrets, but there's just
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: I said to my mom the other day. I was
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: on the phone with her. It was the day I
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: was crying, and she she says, are you unhappy with
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: how it all turned out? I's like, no, I'm excredibly happy,
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: but I don't want to do this forever. There's other
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: things that I want to do that are fulfilling. And
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: she says, but you're being a service and it's a
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: good thing. It is a good thing. And I'm really
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: proud of what I'm doing with this organization and the
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: event that we had and the lives that are crossing
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: paths with me. It's all beautiful. But there's things that
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: I want to do. What do you want to do?
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: I want to I want to lead a show. I
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: want to lead a series. I want to write a film,
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: and I want to direct, and I want to take
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: this podcast on the road and have round tables with
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: women all over the country, all over the world. I mean,
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: you got you to do then, girl, I know. And
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: that's why I'm like, you're doing it. You're not running
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: out of time. Wherever it is you are doing it. Yeah,
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: you are right there, I mean, and you're you're on
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: your way. I have like no doubt You've already led
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: a show. There's another one on the horizon. Yeah, you know,
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: I have no doubt with that. And I love that
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: you're taking it into your own hands, because that's the
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: other thing. Oh yes, it's the taking it into your
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: own hends. And I think I'm encouraged sometimes. So when
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: are you going to retire? I'm like, I have no
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: interest in retiring for the same reason. I have things
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: to do. I want to produce stories. Yeah, you know,
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: I want to produce a film. I want to be
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: on a show and on stage. You know, there's stuff
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: there on the list that has to do with sorry,
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: the arts, creative, but yes, and then a little traveling
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: and a little self carry between because I can. But
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: I do feel the clock ticking in the sense that
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: I have. I want to be of service with this,
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: you know, and I know that art speaks and it's
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: serious to me, I thought. I was like, I'm so lucky.
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: I'm a TV actress and I'm working all the time.
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: I was like, but why are you working all the time? Yeah?
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: Excuse me? Does that make sense? Like? Okay, what do
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: I do with this? Especially in the watch the world
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: freaking doom scrolling? Yeah, world crumble? I was like, how
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: do I become a better part of this world in
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: the face of all this, you know, in the inevitability
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: of our very existence, Yes, being under threat? You exist, yes,
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: and you exist for each other because I think in
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: the divide and conquer a model, you know, we function
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: for somebody else's gaze. But there's all these women, there's
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: all these people of color. We have it for each
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: other here, you know what I mean. So to embrace
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: that is opens that wide open for me. Yeah, you know,
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: and you know feel kind of an obligation. I agree,
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: and you have an obligation to myself. But what you're doing,
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: all of that, you know, and all of that is
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: is relevant to what you're building. Yeah, Yeah, I take
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: from my girlfriends. I look and I see. I'm like, okay,
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: I see Judy diving into producing. I see you know,
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: Tina creating her her own little home spot that she's created.
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: I see you know, this person, this girlfriend making travel
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: about learning more about food. You know, people are making decisions,
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: and I do. I take from that and say, well
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: I can too, and and I am. And and that's
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: I think the key is to recognize when you are
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: taking steps forward. And I think we wait, or a
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: lot of us do, or maybe just you know myself,
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: we wait to pat ourselves or be impressed with ourselves
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: when it's completed, versus the fact that we're making decisions
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: and active steps and we're moving in that direction. That's
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: like crying the day after you do all the work
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: that I could be a guest on your show. You
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: I'm so glad I invited my girlfriend to come and
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: figure my ass out. Don't way no, if you had
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: to choose one thing bringing this to a close that
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: you feel you would like to improve or work on
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: at this stage of your life, like personal, professional, personal,
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: for duty, Oh with grace, it's not a beat up,
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: beat up question. I'm pretty awesome, though, sorry and see
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: no explanation needed, no explanation needed. I think my discipline,
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: my determination, you know what I mean. I get intimidated,
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean. But the bigger the vision,
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: I get reluctant. You know. That's why George is great
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: for me, because he's just like an engine. And I'm like, Okay,
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: what do we do here? What do we do here?
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: What do we do here? But I'm surrendering more to
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: that because I'm understanding that's what it takes to create, right,
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: or to make stuff, or to tell the stories. That's
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: just what it is. That's what it is, and it's
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: a reflection of my entire life. Fair and fair enough,
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: all right. So I'll close this with a little game
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: called how hard can it be? Who handles it better?
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: Lieutenant Soto or Nurse Carla? Okay? Ready, okay, hot flashes, Sodo,
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: night sweats, Sodo, listening to yacht rock? Oh Carla, sign
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: up for online dating? Ooh, I would say, Soto. Okay,
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: buy tickets to a freestyle concert. Oh Carla. Sure that's good.
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: That's good. I thought of those last night. Very good.
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: I appreciate it. You are. I'm proud to call you
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: my girlfriend, and I loved sitting down and having this
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: really in depth, honest conversation with you, and thank you
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: for bringing You're always a genuine honest person. You never
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: bring a conversation that is superficial or disingenuous. You always
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: bring the truth. And I knew that having you on
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: here you would, you would allow us to dive into
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: this conversation as honestly as possible. And I can't thank
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: you enough for it. I love you, and I'm proud
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: of you. You know what, anytime you'll cry, I'm going
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: to cry. I thought about this because you said this
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: to me on the phone the other day, and I said,
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: how many women say that to other women. I'm proud
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: of you. We hear it from our mo like our mothers.
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: But it's a beautiful gift to say that to a friend.
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: It's urgent, it's so necessary. I'm proud of you, So
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: keep it. Thanks. I need you. I need you up
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: in this space. You got me, Okay. I love you, Judy,
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: I love you too. How hard can it be? With
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: the animadi Areva is a hyphen media group production in
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: partnership with Iheartmichultura podcast Network. For more of your favorite shows,
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: Visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: your podcasts.