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Jennie's Journal...Moving The Boulder Inside · I Choose Me with Jennie Garth

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello, friends,
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: welcome to I Choose Me. I'm really happy to be
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: here with you. Thanks for tuning in. Okay, I believe
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: in journaling. I've talked about it. You may already know that.
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  Speaker 1: Sometimes I do it just to empty my ramp at mine.
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  Speaker 1: Sometimes I do it to get the feelings out of
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  Speaker 1: my body and it helps me see things more clearly
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  Speaker 1: and my body just feels lighter. I need that sometimes.
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  Speaker 1: The other day I sat down with a stack of
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  Speaker 1: old journals I found in a drawer and I ended
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  Speaker 1: up getting super sucked in. They were all kinds of
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  Speaker 1: ramblings on those pages. There was a lot of blah
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  Speaker 1: blah blah stuff. There was some big ideas for my
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  Speaker 1: future pages and pages of notes that I take from
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  Speaker 1: my Buddhist teachings class, which I can tell you guys,
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  Speaker 1: if you want me to. But there was also a
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  Speaker 1: lot of pain and loneliness and heartbreak, because yeah, that's
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  Speaker 1: pretty much what journals are for. So I thought I
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  Speaker 1: would share another journal entry with you. Who knows, maybe
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  Speaker 1: some of these crazy words will resonate with you on
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  Speaker 1: some level. This is what we are calling Jenny's journals.
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  Speaker 1: Here is one from see here. Oh, this is a
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  Speaker 1: good one. You know what. I'm sorry In advance there
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  Speaker 1: might be a couple of f words, just saying May
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  Speaker 1: twenty fifth, twenty nineteen. Oof, Am I stuck? I feel
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  Speaker 1: this energy literally stuck inside me. I can actually close
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  Speaker 1: my eyes and visualize it. I can see a giant
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  Speaker 1: boulder wedged in a crevice. I can also see beautiful
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  Speaker 1: nature all around as far as the eye can see
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  Speaker 1: a lake, a waterfall, a deer sipping from a creek. Oh.
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  Speaker 1: I just painted such a lovely picture anyway, But this
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  Speaker 1: rock is stuck. Nothing I do seems to affect it.
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  Speaker 1: I exercise, I spend time in nature. I have a
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  Speaker 1: healthy family and a loving husband. We're still in our
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  Speaker 1: honeymoon phase. I think, Ah, yes, this was twenty nineteen.
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  Speaker 1: Even all that good stuff isn't dislodging it. I am
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  Speaker 1: doing every single thing I have learned that's supposed to
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  Speaker 1: help me out of a dip. That's what I call
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  Speaker 1: a depression. They can kind of come and go for me.
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  Speaker 1: I've returned to my Buddha classes. I'm trying to eat less,
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  Speaker 1: sugar less, drinking, connect more with my family, trying to
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  Speaker 1: stay focused on what brings others joy, trying to be
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  Speaker 1: more gentle and kind with myself. This feeling of being
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  Speaker 1: stuck isn't new. I've wandered so many times what is
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  Speaker 1: wrong with me? I feel pretty sure that the problem
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  Speaker 1: is all me and my brain. I've turned so far
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  Speaker 1: inward that I'm isolating and keeping everyone from loving me. Earlier,
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  Speaker 1: my daughter told me I was a narcissist. Oh and
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  Speaker 1: h is that true? Or was she just trying to
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  Speaker 1: hurt me? Because she's hurting. As I'm writing this, I
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  Speaker 1: can actually feel a weird rumbling inside me. The rumbling
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  Speaker 1: is moving the boulder ever so gently. I feel sad. Stella,
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  Speaker 1: this is the healer that I was working with at
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  Speaker 1: the time. Stella told me this would happen, that grief
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  Speaker 1: would start bubbling up in me and play a big
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  Speaker 1: part in this excavation process, the excavation of this rock
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  Speaker 1: inside me. This morning, it was my dad's death. I
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  Speaker 1: was thrust right into reliving it in my mind, reliving
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  Speaker 1: all of those horrible visuals and memories. Tears streamed down
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  Speaker 1: my face. Out of nowhere and now here I am.
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  Speaker 1: I snuck out of bed trying not to wake anyone,
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  Speaker 1: especially the dogs. They would attack me thinking I was
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  Speaker 1: an intruder and wake up everybody. So yeah, here I
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  Speaker 1: am on the green couch in my living room, just writing.
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  Speaker 1: Is this a journal or a diary? I don't even
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  Speaker 1: know whatever it is. I feel closer to this pen
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  Speaker 1: and paper than I do anyone on this earth right now,
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  Speaker 1: not including horses or dogs, or cats or any cute
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  Speaker 1: little animals. Really sorry, snakes, I just can't love you.
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  Speaker 1: You know what. I probably could if I tried, but
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to. Okay, let's stay on topic. As
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  Speaker 1: I'm sitting here on this couch writing what my daughter
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  Speaker 1: said about me, I'm feeling the rock shifting as I
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  Speaker 1: wrote that down here on these pages a minute ago.
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  Speaker 1: I'm feeling a torrent of pain come over me. There
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  Speaker 1: is no fighting it off. But you know what, that's okay.
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  Speaker 1: I need to feel this stuff. I rush and worry
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  Speaker 1: and work and provide for my family all damn day.
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  Speaker 1: I try to be available to everyone, anyone who needs me.
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  Speaker 1: I'm not making any time for myself. It's these kinds
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  Speaker 1: of eruptions that I've been feeling over the past two
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  Speaker 1: weeks since I met with Stella eruptions of feeling my
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  Speaker 1: feelings and allowing myself to acknowledge them and actually sit
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  Speaker 1: with them. It feels like they're just hurting me all
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  Speaker 1: over again. This is hard. I am learning to be
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  Speaker 1: gentle on myself. The little girl Jenny that lives inside me.
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  Speaker 1: She's feeling so scared and afraid right now. Ooh, that's
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  Speaker 1: a heavy one, you guys. But that's what journaling is for.
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  Speaker 1: You're supposed to take those moments when there are no
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  Speaker 1: words and you don't want to talk to anyone, you
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  Speaker 1: don't want anyone else to know what you're really going through,
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  Speaker 1: and you're supposed to write it down and get it
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  Speaker 1: out so you can maybe feel better. So that was
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  Speaker 1: a journal entry from twenty nineteen, and that was clearly
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  Speaker 1: a rough period for me. Leaving through those old journals
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  Speaker 1: has got me feeling them all over a little bit again,
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  Speaker 1: so that doesn't feel very good. It also made me
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  Speaker 1: feel grateful, though, for all the ups and the downs
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  Speaker 1: that I've been through, because every one of them has
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  Speaker 1: made me stronger and more resilient. Growth is painful. Change
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  Speaker 1: is hard, but it's actually not as painful as feeling stuck,
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  Speaker 1: feeling loaded down, like there's a giant rock inside of you.
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  Speaker 1: I want to say this to you, don't give up.
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  Speaker 1: Everything happens for a reason in our lives, even if
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  Speaker 1: it doesn't make sense right now. You never know what
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  Speaker 1: you're going to learn along the way. You have to
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  Speaker 1: be ready for. You have to tackle it head on
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  Speaker 1: and be relentless in your desire to be the best
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  Speaker 1: version of yourselves. I don't remember this day. I do
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  Speaker 1: remember sneaking out to the green couch, but I don't
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  Speaker 1: remember writing all this, and I don't remember my daughter
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  Speaker 1: calling me that. But that's probably a good thing, and
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  Speaker 1: it's kind of weird to not remember these things, you know,
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  Speaker 1: I don't know. I think my brain has selective memory.
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  Speaker 1: So Stella was this world famous woman in La that
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  Speaker 1: was a spiritual healer. I don't remember who told me
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  Speaker 1: about her, and I drove to her house. She lives
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  Speaker 1: in the Hollywood Hills and I was real nervous going
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  Speaker 1: in there. It's always nervous starting with a new therapist
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  Speaker 1: or going to a new person to talk about your deepest,
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  Speaker 1: darkest feelings and insecurities and really hard. But she had
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  Speaker 1: this really hippy, dippy house in the hills, and there
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  Speaker 1: were wind chimes everywhere, and it had a little pretty
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  Speaker 1: view of the canyon, and I started. I sat outside
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  Speaker 1: for a little while before I went in. I sat
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  Speaker 1: outside on her deck and I I just took some
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  Speaker 1: deep breaths and calmed myself down and I started to
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  Speaker 1: feel pretty good. So I went in. She was gorgeous.
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  Speaker 1: When she answered the door. I was like, oh, hello, tall,
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  Speaker 1: beautiful lady. And then I felt a little insecure again,
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  Speaker 1: but I kept going. She brought me in was so kind.
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  Speaker 1: I met her cat. He was nice, and she laid
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  Speaker 1: me down on this mat in her office and told
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  Speaker 1: me to close my eyes and she just did some
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  Speaker 1: like crazy. I don't know what she was doing because
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  Speaker 1: my eyes were closed, but it felt like she was
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  Speaker 1: like scanning over my body with her hands, like trying
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  Speaker 1: to find getting touch with my energy and find my blockages,
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  Speaker 1: I guess. And she just did that for a really
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  Speaker 1: long time and didn't say anything, and at times I
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  Speaker 1: was laying there thinking, is anything happening? Is this helping?
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  Speaker 1: This costs a lot and my game my money's worth.
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  Speaker 1: Then she told me to open my eyes and she
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  Speaker 1: had me go sit on a chair over there and
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  Speaker 1: we just sat there silently for a while, and then
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  Speaker 1: she started telling me what she felt where she felt
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  Speaker 1: the blockages, and it was crazy. It was so accurate
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  Speaker 1: and it was so right where I was, and she
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  Speaker 1: had no idea what I was dealing with when I
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  Speaker 1: went in there, I hadn't told her anything. And I
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  Speaker 1: left there I kind of dazed and confused and feeling
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  Speaker 1: weird in my body, like all the little bits of
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  Speaker 1: me were bubbling up inside of me somehow, like I
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  Speaker 1: was so unsettled. And she had told me that that
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  Speaker 1: would happen, and that I should be gentle with myself
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  Speaker 1: and tolerant and kind to any feelings that come up.
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  Speaker 1: So that's what I did after I saw her, and
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  Speaker 1: I only saw her one other time, I think, And
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  Speaker 1: the results sort of like happened slowly over time as
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  Speaker 1: the work that she had done sort of like integrated
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  Speaker 1: into my body and mind, and then it sort of
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  Speaker 1: started to manifest, and it was really incredible. I don't
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  Speaker 1: know what else to say about it. It was a
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  Speaker 1: really incredible experience. Do you guys want to know about
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  Speaker 1: my Buddha classes. I'm not a Buddhist, I'm not really
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  Speaker 1: any religion. I believe in spirit and energy and silly
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  Speaker 1: maybe to some things like angels, but that's my belief.
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  Speaker 1: And I've still I did a lot of different religions.
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  Speaker 1: I grew up Christian. I converted to Catholicism when I
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  Speaker 1: married Peter out of respect for his family. I'm married
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  Speaker 1: to a half Jewish man right now. And I've studied
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  Speaker 1: Gabala and Buddhism and all the things. I can't remember
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  Speaker 1: the name of it, but I've studied a lot. And
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  Speaker 1: this class that I go to in Hollywood, it's just
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  Speaker 1: as a place where you go and you listen to
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  Speaker 1: a teacher talk to you about the writings of a
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  Speaker 1: Buddhist monk and all the things that I have learned
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  Speaker 1: and heard in that class. I take vigorous notes because
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  Speaker 1: I have not a great memory, so I take notes
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  Speaker 1: the whole entire time someone's talking. And I go back
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  Speaker 1: and look at those notes now, and they every time
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  Speaker 1: I read them, they help me. They make me feel
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  Speaker 1: like I'm gonna be okay and I can handle things.
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  Speaker 1: And it's just the verbiage, the way the words are
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  Speaker 1: put together. They really resonated in my brain and made
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  Speaker 1: that sort of comprehension easier for me, and I was
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  Speaker 1: able to incorporate them into my everyday life and I
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  Speaker 1: love it. So if you're ever in La hit me up,
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  Speaker 1: I'll tell you about where to go. I was referencing
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  Speaker 1: a boulder in that entry. During other times of anxiousness
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  Speaker 1: in my life, I felt like there was an elephant
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  Speaker 1: sitting on my chest, like a big, fatty elephant, and
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  Speaker 1: he was just sitting there. She he, I don't know,
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  Speaker 1: just sitting there. And I kind of feel it right
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  Speaker 1: now when I'm talking about it, like just a pressure
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  Speaker 1: in the middle of my chest, and it makes it
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  Speaker 1: a little bit hard to breathe the more you focus
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  Speaker 1: on it. And for some reason, this entry was about
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  Speaker 1: a rock that I had felt inside of me was
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  Speaker 1: stifling me from speaking and communicating and expressing my feelings.
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  Speaker 1: And I really didn't like that feeling of that boulder
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  Speaker 1: sitting in me, so I knew I had to do
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  Speaker 1: work to get it out. And I think you have
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  Speaker 1: to be really brave to tackle these things. Sometimes you
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  Speaker 1: have to be brave to talk about that elephant or
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  Speaker 1: that boulder with someone, and you have to be courageous
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  Speaker 1: to take the steps to make the changes so you'll
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  Speaker 1: feel better. I also mentioned in that journal entry that
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  Speaker 1: in twenty nineteen, it was weird Dave and I were
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  Speaker 1: still in our honeymoon phase. That's what they call it,
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  Speaker 1: right that, like a year after you get married. I
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  Speaker 1: think that's over. I'm not trying to be funny, but
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  Speaker 1: I do. I think that's past, as it does for everyone,
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  Speaker 1: probably in some way, at some level. But our love
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  Speaker 1: has evolved into a different phase. And that's what it's
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  Speaker 1: supposed to do, you know, because relationships are always growing
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  Speaker 1: and changing, and if they're not, then I think I
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  Speaker 1: would become bored. I would become complacent. And it's really
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  Speaker 1: important to me and hopefully woever I'm with that it
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  Speaker 1: keeps changing. Challenges keep coming up, and we keep facing
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  Speaker 1: them head on, and we work through them and reach
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  Speaker 1: another level in our relationship and another level and another level.
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  Speaker 1: And I think that feels good to me because I
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  Speaker 1: want to grow and I want my partner to grow,
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  Speaker 1: and I want our love to grow. I know I
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  Speaker 1: brought up my father's passing in this. He died in
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  Speaker 1: two thousand and eight and it's twenty twenty four. I
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  Speaker 1: don't do math, so I don't know how many years
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  Speaker 1: that is. But those feelings sometimes still come up, and
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  Speaker 1: they're always going to feel awful, and you know, you've
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  Speaker 1: got to learn because they're always going to be inside
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  Speaker 1: of you. That I remember Hodell talked about on a
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  Speaker 1: podcast that rock that we keep in our pocket. That
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  Speaker 1: is the grief rock. It's always with us, and we
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  Speaker 1: have to learn to just kind of put it gently
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  Speaker 1: back in that pocket, go ahead and be okay with
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  Speaker 1: carrying it around with us, but also know that we
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  Speaker 1: get used to having that rock and we learn to
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  Speaker 1: live with it in different ways. And for me personally,
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  Speaker 1: I'm comforted by that rock. I'm comforted by all the
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  Speaker 1: rocks of the people that I've lost. That might sound weird,
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  Speaker 1: but that's how I feel. I also wrote about working
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  Speaker 1: really hard in that entry, working to provide for my family. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I work to provide for my family. I don't work
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  Speaker 1: to buy Birken bags and Gucci belts, you know. I
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  Speaker 1: work to be able to continue providing for my family,
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  Speaker 1: taking them on trips, being able to travel places to
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  Speaker 1: visit my family in other cities. That's never going to
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  Speaker 1: change for me. That work ethic that I have and
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  Speaker 1: my priorities when it comes to spending. But a lot
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  Speaker 1: has changed since twenty nineteen. For me, I was out
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  Speaker 1: of work. I was just juggling, you know, trying to
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  Speaker 1: figure out what was next, and like throwing all the
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  Speaker 1: things on the wall and trying to figure out what
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  Speaker 1: was going to stick. But yeah, so much has changed.
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  Speaker 1: And I mean, now I have this podcast. I'm so
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  Speaker 1: happy to have this podcast. I have a clothing line
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  Speaker 1: that I do with my family. I have so many
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  Speaker 1: other opportunities because of all that. And I think it's
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  Speaker 1: because of that hard work. I think it's because of
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  Speaker 1: my priorities. And I'm pretty sure that my family knows that,
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  Speaker 1: and they see that and they recognize that. I know
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  Speaker 1: that Lola definitely acknowledges the hard work because she's part
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  Speaker 1: of the hard work. Now I've sucked her and she
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  Speaker 1: knows how hard it is to climb out of the
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: trenches and be successful again and starting to create an
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: income again. So I mean, I think it's important to
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  Speaker 1: let your family in on how hard you work and
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  Speaker 1: why you work so hard and why that's important to you.
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  Speaker 1: I Mean, the roughest part of that entry was when
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  Speaker 1: I'm not going to say who, but one of my
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  Speaker 1: daughters called me a narcissist. Oh, I don't think I'm
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: a narcissist. And she also called me you guys, not
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: as harsh. No mom wants to hear that. Nah huh no,
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: thank you. And in your mind, you're like, after all,
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  Speaker 1: I do you? This is how you appreciate me, like,
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  Speaker 1: you know, the typical conversation. But she was young, and
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  Speaker 1: she was coping with a lot, and there was a
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: lot of outside pressures put on her. And I never
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  Speaker 1: for a minute took that personally. I never for a
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: minute held that against her because I knew she didn't
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  Speaker 1: mean it. I know she loves me. And sometimes kids
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  Speaker 1: got a vent, you know, they need to let stuff
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  Speaker 1: out too, And yeah, I tell I've told all my girls,
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: do you need to start journaling? Don't feel better? Two
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: of them do? Three of them actually do, but not consistently.
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  Speaker 1: And I think you know, I'm always saying, go back
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  Speaker 1: to your journaling. If you're struggling, get it out, because
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: when you walk around with that stuff inside of you festering,
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: it affects your experience throughout your day. It affects how
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: you show up to other people and how you make
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  Speaker 1: other people feel and from my perspective, life is all
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  Speaker 1: about making the people you love or the people you
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: encounter feel better about themselves and feel good. And I
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: didn't come out of the womb knowing that. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: maybe I came out of the womb knowing that, because
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  Speaker 1: you know, we're so innocent, but I certainly lost sight
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  Speaker 1: of that for a long time. And now I'm able
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  Speaker 1: to really see what's so so important in life. And
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  Speaker 1: at the end of the day, it's not what you did,
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  Speaker 1: it's how you made people feel. And I still do
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  Speaker 1: not care for snakes. You guys, no, thank you. So
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: there you have another journal entry from yours. Truly. I
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  Speaker 1: hope you guys liked it. I hope maybe some of
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: the words resonate with you in some way, maybe jostle
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: something up inside of you. Thanks for listening to that
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: Chuesing podcast. I love you. I will be right here
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: next week, and I hope you will choose to be
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: here too,