Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Divorce Is Not The End of the World - A Reflect Client Story

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Divorce Is Not The End of the World - A Reflect Client Story · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Today on the podcast, I'm going to share with you two client stories.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Two stories about clients I've worked with and how things have shifted and changed for them.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: The first one we're going to call Samantha.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when Sam's marriage fell apart, she felt like her whole world was crashing down.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: She was lost, she was in pain, she was hurting, overwhelmed, uncertain, and really had no idea how to move forward.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when she connected with me as her coach.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: She was working part-time, caring for her two young children who were seven and five.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Her husband was the main income earner, and she'd been part-time since the birth of her eldest child.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: So not only had the lower income, she also had less super and that dreaded gap in her employment history.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: So she was really concerned about her financial future, the sort of immediate financial future of okay, how am I going to do this on a single income?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: How am I going to run a household, support two kids, and also longer term?
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: She was also really worried about the impact on her kids, telling them about the separation, the impact of them needing to move between two households, if that was where you know where it was going to end up.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And for her, really upset, really torn, really devastated by not having a hundred percent care of them or seeing them and their and they her every single day.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: That was really loaded for her, and it filled her with dread and grief and also really deep, deep sadness.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: So she was spinning.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when we connected, she was so overwhelmed she did not know where to start or what to do first.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: So the one of the first things we did with my help, Sam refocused.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: We worked out what was important right now.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I shared with her how to be here, be here now, and focus on what she needed to focus on right now, what needed her attention now, rather than future tripping and spinning off into all the what ifs and the all the fear and the unknown, but being clear on right here.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: So not also being dragged back into the past and pondering all the if-onies and what ifs, and if I'd done this or if I hadn't done that.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: So to be really clear on what was and was not in her capacity to control what was important, what needed her attention, her focus, her energy, and what she could, even what she needed to let go of.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: We mapped that out.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: So she became really clear on what was important, what could be parked, what could be completely let go of, and where she was headed.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: She learned to, she learned how to really listen to herself and take care of herself on a deep level so that she could then show up for, show up for and be present with her kids as well as at work.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that also enabled her to create a manageable to-do list of all the things.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: So caring for herself, tending to herself, making sure that she was okay first so she could show up and be present for her kids, show up and be present at work, and also show up and be present for what needed to be done because there was a lot.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: We worked really hard on her learning to listen to herself or really relearning to listen to herself, digging underneath all the stories, dialing down all the noise, and dialing down her inner critic and her tendency to silence herself.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: She had done that throughout the last few years of her marriage, really dialing down that inner voice, ignoring it, pushing it away, silencing herself.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: So we worked really hard on reinstating that the positive parts of that, and learning to tap into her inner knowing, her inner voice, and also to discern what was an inner critic, what was coming up to keep her small, to keep her safe.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: So really learning to listen to herself well.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And then we also worked, of course, on her finding her voice, on accessing it and using it, learning to speak out, to speak up, to speak her truth.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Communication was one of the reasons, and you know, it's one of the reasons most relationships break down.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: So communication was one of the reasons that Sam's marriage had become unworkable.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: She had found it hard to speak up, and so we worked on having hard conversations in healthy ways.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Learning to stay present in the conversation when it became difficult to stay present in the conflict and commit to moving through it in healthy ways and resolving it and coming to a point where if it wasn't agreement, then at least an agreement to come back and revisit the conversation.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: We also worked on how to set and hold healthy boundaries, which was very new to her and uncomfortable.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: But her mantra became I get to choose my discomfort.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: I get to choose my discomfort.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because staying silent, not voicing her needs, not being clear on her boundaries, she came to understand that that would mean she would stay uncomfortable.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas asserting herself, staying present in difficult conversations and not silencing herself was uncomfortable for only a short time and would lead her forward to the life she most wanted to be living.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: I guided and supported Sam to tap into and reclaim her inner strength, her self-belief, her trust in herself that she could do hard things.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: We looked for evidence where she'd already done the hard things in her life, in her work, in her relationship, even in her parenting.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: We looked for evidence where she'd already done hard things.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so she began to believe that what she most hoped for was actually possible.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: She could do hard things, she could move through the hard things, and while she knew the marriage was over, and she wanted to navigate the divorce as amicably as possible without feeling she was being walked all over.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: She knew she wanted to reclaim her voice and reclaim her power, and that did not mean that she wanted to squash down her ex-husband or punish or serve up retribution.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: It was just about her accessing her voice, her strength, reclaiming all of that, reclaiming her power, and then stepping forward.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: So, with support, even with sort of practicing and scripting some conversations, we worked on being really aware of her reactivity and of her tendency to shut down or run from, step out of those hard conversations to minimize her wants and needs just to get through the conflict as quickly as she could.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: So Sam then began to actually claim what she wanted for herself to acknowledge and then be able to more clearly, assertively communicate her wants and her needs.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: So we mapped out what she needed to know financially, where the gaps were, what she needed to know, what she didn't yet have full visibility on, including what that looked like going forward as a single woman, as a single income-earning household.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then she started to put the plans into action step by step.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: She worked out with me exactly what a good life looked like for her.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Not the big picture vision that was what they had dreamed together, not her ex-husband or soon-to-be ex-husband's dream for his life.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: What does a good life look like for you?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: We mapped that out for Sam.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: What it cost financially to live her life, what she wanted, what she needed, and not only what she wanted and needed from her divorce settlement, but from her life.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: What she needed to do, what she needed to know, what income she needed to generate, what things she needed to bring into her life, what she needed to let go of, what values she needed to live by, to live her version of a good life.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: She knew then that she'd need to increase her work, increase her income, and opened the hard conversations with her ex-partner, her ex-husband, the father of her kids about how that was going to look for them all.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it maybe that he would need to step up in terms of parenting or there would be financial burdens.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it was a time versus money equation for him, and so that was one part of the conversation.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: It was one of the hard conversations they needed to have.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: How would this new version of their family operate when it came to kids and work?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because there couldn't be just one person sacrificing income earning time anymore.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: They weren't together, so they needed to map out how that was going to look for all of them.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, Sam also had to have the tricky legal financial conversations.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: And with support, I was gonna say she came out on top.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's not right, that's not accurate, but she came out possibly better than she would have without having run things through with me, without me throwing things at her that she may not have considered, without us thinking about creative ways and mapping out some creative ways that they could move forward as a family.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: How would it look financially for her after divorce?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Could she, and was it even a smart thing to keep the family house?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now the short answer to that was for her no, and that was really hard emotionally, but it was a financial reality, and releasing herself from feeling she needed to keep the house because of the kids or for the kids became really powerful, and it made her again look at what was really important, and the stress of fighting for the house, fighting to stay where she was, she realized wasn't worth it.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: That a smaller property, a few suburbs over, um still with still close enough for all the kids' activities, their schools, their school, and for them to have connection with their father, was more aligned with the vision for herself that she'd mapped out.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And letting go of that emotional attachment to the house, it also meant she could again refocus, regain focus, and go into those financial negotiations with clarity, more objective, knowing actually what she wanted and what she needed.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: I also helped her with parenting with her children, about having how to have the hard conversations with them, about supporting them emotionally, about allowing them to show all their big feelings and that it was okay for them to still have a great relationship with their dad, supporting her.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: I supported her so that she could support them to have a connected, deep relationship in an ongoing way with their dad, and then supporting them to move as painlessly as possible between their two homes.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Emotionally, yes, and practically as well.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: I helped Sam map out and develop practical strategies and a framework that supported her as a single parent, the only grown-up in the house.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: So helping her as well as the kids navigate this new version of life and family with grace and resilience and keeping things as calm and as emotionally supportive and nurturing for both of them, for all of them, I should say, as we could.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then to continue the conversations with the children and answer their questions and address their concerns and their fears in really age and stage appropriate ways, you know, allowing them open conversation, allowing them to feel all the feelings, allowing them and acknowledging them and validating them.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then, of course, to support Sam in the times when the children spent time with their dad, moving through her grief and sadness and feeling like she was missing an arm and a leg, and then moving towards reframing that, reclaiming some of that solo time to actually fill her own cup with things she loved, be that you know, cup of cup of tea and a book for an hour in the sun or catching up with friends or long walks, whatever it was, building into that time that the children were not with her, some things that really filled her cup to enable her to be the best parent she could be, but also to find to reclaim that sense of joy in her own life.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: We also worked a lot on dialing down her emotions, her big emotions, because of course, when her marriage fell apart, there were all sorts of big emotions that came up.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: So we needed to work on dialing those down so she could more calmly interact with the children's father without feeling triggered or activated, upset, devastated every time they engaged, and therefore they could go on to have more constructive conversations about their children, about their parenting, without Sam either feeling like she was falling apart, feeling like she was she didn't have a voice, or feeling like she couldn't speak up.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: So, really working on dialing down those big emotions so she could step into interactions with him calmly and in a child-focused way.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Another part of Sam's coaching work with me included me encouraging her and her creating connections with others, new connections and strengthening existing ones.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: She felt lost, isolated, alone.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so we explored the truth of that.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: How true is that?
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Is it true that you are lost, isolated, and alone?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I encouraged and supported her to create connections with others, to deepen existing connections, you know, tap into friendships and also to explore connections with other single parents, others who are perhaps navigating separation, divorce, some a little bit ahead of her, some a few steps behind, so they could actually support, encourage, and uplift one another.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, you know, yeah, there are a couple of single mums at school or at the gym that I can connect with.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: And those connections, those coffee connections became a really lovely supportive hub around not only Sam, but around one another.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they created a scaffolding around each other because there is such power and healing in community with a group of others who truly get what you're experiencing because they've been there or they are right there, they are right where you are, they know it on a on a deep personal lived experience level.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: They really get it, and when you move through separation, when you divorce, there are some people in your world who can be really close to you and they just don't get it.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: So there is power in connecting with others who do get it.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: So now Sam is through some of the hardest parts, she's through the messy part and you know, out the other side.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: She and her ex-husband have finalised their property settlement, they've did you know they've divided the asset pool, and Sam is sort of taking some time out, breathing out before both of them decide next steps in terms of housing, living arrangements, and what they do with the money, investing or whatever.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, on the advice of the financial advisor, she connected with through the Reflect community.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, she's renting for the next few months, she's taken a 12-month lease, and her settlement settlement money is sitting safely while she decides, as I said, what that next best step for her and her kids is going to be.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: She's strong, she's settled, she knows how to listen to herself, she knows how to recognise wants and needs and meet them for herself.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, through that entire process, she was, I'm gonna say completely, that's not true, she was mostly gracious and she was really courageous, and they were words she used or she chose in our first session together to be part of her guiding principles, her values through divorce, grace and courage, proving that you know, even in the messy parts, even in those really hard life moments, there is light, you know, there is there is something on the other side of the mess.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I was speaking with a new client today, and and he is right in the mess, he's right in the dark, hard stuff, and what we what we chose to focus on, what I tried to get him to focus on, is what's on the other side, what's on the other side of the mess that's pulling you forward, and that's that's the power of coaching, you know, it's getting you through the mess but getting you through with something that's pulling you forward from the other side, because even when you think there's not, even when it is so hard to see, there is always something on the other side, something good, something light, or some light.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and in our last session together, Sam said to me, My life is my own, it's it's like a choose your own adventure and it's all mine, which I absolutely loved.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: So for Sam, for this client, once she had the right support, she realized that while it was sad and it was hard and it was going to be really, really painful, that part wasn't going to be forever.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: And she wasn't going to let it drown or completely overwhelm her or keep her stuck.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: With support, she realized that that wasn't the end point, that she had choice, she had agency, and she could and did reclaim that sense of power and control.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: She released what she no longer wanted, no longer needed, no longer needed to hold, and all of those things that were outside her control.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that, and I say it, I feel like I say it all the time, that you know, divorce, yes, it was an ending for sure.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: It was an ending of one thing, but it was also where things started for her, or at least where they started again.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that was the moment that she got to choose, like really, really choose for herself, with no one else telling her what to do, what to think, what to feel, with no one else in the picture, no one else's story to consider.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: It was all hers, and you know that can be scary and cathartic at all all at the same time, but she had all the choice.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: Some parts of it she didn't choose, she wouldn't choose, she would rather were different, but from this point, she got to choose, it was her choose her own adventure, and that's what I want for all of my clients.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I want for you.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: If any part of Sam's story resonates with you and you would like support to move through the dark parts to what's on the other side, there's a link in the show notes, of course, to connect with me and have a one-on-one free intro call.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: There's also my new group program.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: We're in March 2024.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: We're starting in April of 2024.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: I will put a link to the wait list again in the show notes.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to welcome you into a supportive, nurturing group coaching experience with one-on-one components with me where you have that scaffolding that I encourage Sam to create for herself.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: You have that support of others who are in it with you, they get it on a deep level.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: It will be transformative, educational, empowering.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: It'll take you through some of that dark stuff and step you on the path to the light and loveliness on the other side.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: I know there's a whole lot of things that you could be doing with your time, and I really, really honour you choosing to spend it listening with me.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.